it's not on earth

- Agatha Christie, The Mystery of the Blue Train

I love Poirot just walking into the house of a suspect unannounced to interrogate the staff because he knows they’re covering up for him. They’ve lied to Poirot again and again. You don’t mess with Poirot and you don’t want to make him angry. Like he says in the book, there are two Poirots, one is the gentle and calm Poirot, and the other one strikes terror into the hearts of people he interrogates (in this case, those who are trying to deceive him).

The signs as I know them

Aries: a fiercely protective lover, continuing an argument when you know you’re wrong, passionate loyalty, pushing past your comfort zone, fights that turn into sex, standing outside in the rain and screaming. Freedom. impulsive behavior. Loud and intense. Home.

Taurus: comfort food. Staying in bed on a rainy day. Smart but stubborn. Quiet calculations. Staying up all night talking. Outer space. Lazy days.

Gemini: books and coffee. Friendship tattoos. Smart and resilient. Beautiful. Making friends wherever you go. Two types; either wildly successful and organized like Pinterest in real life or a chaotic mess. Prone to addiction. Living art.

Cancer: musically inclined. Long walks downtown. Deep intellectual talks that leave you feeling calm but exhausted. Ambition. Second chances.

Leo: Staying up too late and drinking too much. Laughing until you can’t breathe. Doing your makeup drunk. Irresponsible decisions that make for good stories. Platonic kissing. Being held when you’re sad. Loyal friendships. Loud and exciting. Not talking for months and picking up where you left off.

Virgo: White furniture. Homemade Halloween costumes and holiday crafts. Careful and calculated. Cleaning for fun. Alphabetized book cases. Never saying ‘I told you so’ even when you’re always right. Motherly. Nurturing.

Libra: memes. Vibrant and super friendly. Always smiling. Eager to please and doesn’t like to disappoint. Goal oriented, and unstoppable once they have an idea. Surprise parties. Pretending you aren’t in love when you are.


Scorpio: staying up all night watching horror movies. Secretive and endearing. Will hold a grudge forever. Cemetery dates. Rough sex. The sound of a thunderstorm outside of your window. Feeling warm in a cold room. Extreme emotional intelligence.


Sagittarius: wanderlust. Forgetting to text back for days at a time. Always somewhere far away; unreachable. Feeing alone in a crowded room. Getting stoned and cuddling in bed all day. Japanese art. Staying out past curfew. Singing like nobody’s around. Inconsistent and deeply conflicted. Anime. Saying we’d still be friends.


Capricorn: Pretending to not like people but being really lonely. Cold. Immaculate attention to detail. Ambitious and unyielding. I haven’t met that many Capricorns.

Aquarius: Talking about alchemy and aliens all night. Doing drugs because I felt sad and you’re a good friend. Listening to me cry about a boy you told me was bad for me. Feels a lot more than they pretend to. Fireball whiskey. Marijuana.

Pisces: Knowing things before you’re told. Crystals. Tarot cards. Your life is a wreck but you always know what to say to help others. Die hard loyalty. Organized mess. Daydreaming all day. Boxed wine. Drunken yoga. A warm hug and a feeling of security. Selfless love.

Imagine aliens reacting to human eating habits.

For instance, taste. Like, one day an alien notices the human crew member dumping something bright orange on their midday ration.

Alien: Does your supplement not have the right nutrients/?
Human: No, it just tastes bad.
Alien: ????
Human: Well, not precisely bad, but bland. It’s boring. So I thought I’d spice it up a bit. *waves bottle of bright orange substance*
Alien: You add items to your food that provide no necessary sustenance???
Human: Oh, just wait ‘til you hear about junk food.

‘Cause humans eat stuff that is not good just for the sensation. Like really spicy foods, chewing gum, and all these spices. And the aliens don’t get it. You put that in your body? Doesn’t that mess up your digestive system? What purpose does it serve?

Or human eating rituals. If you eat with one group of humans there are all of these utensils, some of which look extremely similar, but each with it’s own unique purpose. And if you don’t use the right one at the right time it’s a social faux pas. Then another group mostly uses their hands and lick their fingers. Does this not introduce pathogens? And you’ll see the same human doing both behaviors.

And there’s the whole concept of a meal as a social endeavor. Humans will have a meal with those they are close with as a sign of affection. Humans don’t even spend the entire meal eating, no they use it to talk. Business is done, friends catch up, families share news. All over a meal.

Aliens considering food a necessity not to be discussed in public. Yet here are these humans, who post pictures of their food to social media, share recipes, use food as a social catalyst, and as comfort. Hell, comfort food as a completely human idea that aliens don’t understand.

Anyway, humans are weird.

6

You with me? 
Always.

Okay,,, but think about aliens finding put about how babies are made. Like us humans feed them the stereotypical ‘stork delivers it’ as jokes but they actually belive us. Then a mated human on one of the ships belly starts growing and the aliens are super confused because their technology isn’t built to detect life inside of other life forms and the aliens start stressing. Like 'Human Frankie! You vomited this morning you clearly need rest’ and the human is just like 'Nah it’s morning sickness I can still work hand me a tool’. And it keeps going on like this until the girl has a big belly and the aliens are just like 'omg omg omg our human is dYING’. Until 9 months in and the girl starts actually having contractions. One human calmly start telling the girl to take deep breath while others start prepping the medical room. Hours later a baby is on board and the aliens freak out like 'THE HATCHLING WAS ALIVE WHEN IT CAME’ and 'IT CAME OUT OF WHAT?! And just,,,

Everyday Bread

This is a perfect example of an easy bread that can be made every day. I mean, sure, it would be just as easy (if not easier) to use a sourdough starter, or to bake a large batch for several days in a row*, but if you are a fan of fresh, chewy, crusty bread every dang day than this is the one you want to use. This is the recipe I use whenever I need (or want) fresh bread for dinner. It’s easy. Seriously, it can be done in less than an hour. Plus it’s one of the best breads I’ve ever made, so there’s that too :)

*When one is involved in all the menial tasks to survival that we take for granted, sometimes we forget just what goes into ‘survival’. Peoples of Middle Earth would naturally have to work very hard, since not everyone can go on adventures and have everything taken care of for them. I like this little saying, even if it’s just household chores (leaving out planting, weeding, butchering, harvesting, thrashing, preserving, spinning, weaving, knitting, chopping firewood, etc.) I suppose I’m guilty of romanticizing the ‘olden lifestyle’; it sure sounds fun but if it came down to it I’ll stay in the 21st century, thank you very much.
“Wash on Monday
Iron on Tuesday
Mend on Wednesday
Churn on Thursday
Clean on Friday
Bake on Saturday
Rest on Sunday.”

Everyday Bread (printable)
makes two loaves

Ingredients
2 ½ cups (595 mL) warm water
2 tablespoons yeast
2 tablespoons sugar
1 tablespoon salt
5 ½ cups (660 g) flour
1 tablespoon olive oil

Directions

In a large bowl, mix warm water and yeast until yeast has dissolved.  Next add sugar, salt and flour. Knead ingredients together till it’s a soft uniform dough.

Now place a thin towel over the bowl with the dough in it and let it rise in a warm place for 15-30 minutes.

Preheat oven to 450° (232° C). Separate dough into two, and begin shaping dough into long loaves, and place on a baking sheet.

Make slits with a knife and brush with olive oil. If you are garnishing with herbs or cheese, do so now.

Cover the dough with the towel once more and let rise 5 minutes or so (the longer the better).

Remove towel, and bake for 12-15 minutes or until tops are brown and crusty.

Recipes adapted from Urban Strawberries

Crashed landed on Earth and all I got was this rad shirt from the back of Coran’s minivan.

Honestly imagine how cool it would be if everyone just stopped mowing their lawns.
After a few months we would have meadows and tons of bees and rabbits and toads and stuff. After a few more summers there would be trees, and eventually your neighborhood would become a forest. There would be so much shade. The air would be so fresh. You would see deer on your walk to school, we could save the Earth.