it's not me it's him

Sincerely, Me

Evan: In an email I received from you two weeks ago I noticed a comma in the middle of a phrase

Evan: It changed the meaning. Did you intend this? One key and you’ve consumed my waking days.

Evan: It says “Dear Evan Hansen,”

Evan: With a comma after dear

Evan: You’ve written “Dear, Evan Hansen”

10

but at least I got you in my head, oh yeah,
at least I got you in my head, in my head…
sleepovers in my bed…

Confession...

Hate me if you want but I wanna talk about it. Or at least get this out.


From 2014 to 2016, I was emotionally and sexually involved with a man who is in a relationship. For the first 6 months, I was completely unaware of it. But after I found out, I didn’t end it. It fucked with me emotionally of course but nevertheless, I stayed. He was everything I wanted…. Correction, he is everything I want. He challenges me mentally. He teaches me. He tells me when I’m wrong. He lifts me when I’m down. He knows about my depression and does not treat me differently. We have intellectual conversations​ on a level that I’ve never had with someone I’ve been connected to. He reminds me of my dad. I see myself in him. I see myself with him. I love his ambition. I love his drive. I love being in his presence. Simply sitting near him gives me the greatest calm I’ve ever experienced. I’ve opened up to him emotionally more than any other person I’ve been involved with. He’s sweet. He’s beautiful. He’s everything.

And he’s engaged to be married…. I didn’t find out until nearly 6 months after…. (This doesn’t excuse what I did at all. I’m just saying it because it breaks my heart.)

Wtf have I done to myself?

I ended things at the beginning of the year because his fiance gave birth to his child. I was not about to be the person who could potentially tear a father away from his son. We have enough of that in our community. I could no longer contribute to the heartbreak and unhappiness of another black woman… I also did it for me. There’s no future in this. If I'ma be in pain emotionally, I’d rather be in pain on my own. I still feel guilty though. I made a decision to stay with a man that was not mine. I made the decision to reduce myself to something that I am not. I made the decision to hurt another black woman. I’ve been hurt that way before… Why tf would I want that to happen to someone else…..

Now I’m doing a LOT of self evaluation. Clearly something has gone awry in me that allowed me to participate in such a situation and I HAVE to correct it. I have to heal myself so that I don’t allow myself to be taken advantage of. So that I don’t give myself lower than what I deserve. So that I don’t treat myself lower than what I am worth. This was all me. And I’m learning that it’s not him I have to forgive. I have to forgive me. I have to stand up and decide not to walk in the footsteps my mother left before me. I’m going to create a new path. I’m going to walk in a direction no woman in my family has ever walked. I will no longer operate beneath who I am….

I stopped knowing what to think about myself the day that you told me that I was the only thing on your mind. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I ever had a real opinion on myself before you. I existed, and that was sort of all there was. I just didn’t have to wonder if this part of me was good enough or if that part of me was pretty enough or if that last part of me was smart enough when I’d been convinced that no one ever noticed me.
—  🖤

I have to admit, I find the discourse about how “equality IS political, what Harry said is ridiculous” to be….a bit confusing. Because if you believe that equality is political, then Harry speaking out in favor of equality is….Harry talking about politics, and so whether or not Harry considers himself to be talking about politics, it still means Harry is talking about politics. Which, I would think, is what people complaining about Harry saying he’s not talking about politics want… 

Plus, there are lots of, in my opinion, well founded and nuanced reasons that Harry could be saying he doesn’t consider equality to be an issue of politics. Here’s one good explanation. Maybe Harry doesn’t have a nuanced view and is just abstracted from the reality of today’s political landscape. But we don’t know that, and I don’t think it’s fair to just assume Harry lacks ability to have nuanced thoughts. Just like he may have nuanced views on his role as a celebrity that may explain his stance on commenting/not commenting on politics, but people are just assuming he… doesn’t. 

And I said this earlier but, Harry also was near-explicitly commenting on the question presented to him (what do you think about Brexit) anyways. It’s pretty clear he does have formed thoughts on that issue. So sure, it wasn’t some grand sweeping political statement, but like, some of you are acting like Harry’s response to the questions was “I’ve never heard of Brexit and I think we live a perfectly equal world!” 

Painted a hurt Fenris and Hawke sneaked in there to kiss him better - went from pure angst to 100% fluff, I do not regret.

Oh my god, in last night’s Bob’s Burgers, Bob takes Gene to a laser light rock show at the planetarium (super important to Bob, because it was his favorite when he was a teenager, and this is the last night before they’re closing the exhibit because it’s old and no one goes anymore, also it’s Bob’s birthday), and Gene has no idea what he’s in for, but he gets pumped for it anyway ‘cause Bob’s so excited about it, and finally they get in there and they’re watching it, and Gene has a sensory overload and kinda starts freaking out ‘cause he can’t handle it, so Bob takes him out and they sit in the car for a bit.  Gene’s angry because Bob didn’t tell him it would be so loud and scary, so Bob offers to play the album for Gene at a normal volume, and Gene starts to enjoy it, so he reclines the seats, takes out the cigarette lighter, tells Gene to pretend it’s a laser, and starts drawing in the air, explaining the plot to him (it’s like a full on Pink Floyd or Rush-esque rock opera about a bunch of robot overlords telling rockers that they can’t play music anymore, and one Rebel rising against them).  Gene gets really into it and decides he wants to see the finale of the laser show (which Bob regards as a life-changing experience), so they sneak back into the planetarium (there’s no re-entry allowed) with a few tricks that parallel the story from the album, and watch the climax of the show together (Bob fashions some earplugs for Gene out of a napkin).  On the way home, Bob’s asking Gene how he liked it, and Gene says “I loved it!”, Bob asks him to speak louder ‘cause his ear’s are shot, and Gene yells, “I LOVED IT, DAD”.  Bob yells back “I love you too, Gene”.

I FUCKING!!! CAN’T!!! DEAL!!!! WITH HOW GOOD THIS SHOW IS!!! I know i don’t talk about Bob’s Burgers a lot but this show is flawless and charming and gross and funny all at the same time, the characters are written like people with actual fears and anxieties, and unlike a lot of comparable shows, the comedy doesn’t come from the family being pitted against each other, it’s always the family against the world… I love it, I love it, it’s so pure and refreshing and still somehow manages to be funny without sacrificing it’s heart, and I fuckin’ love it, please watch Bob’s Burgers holy CRAP okay I’m done.

i just really wanted a ham screen lock

it’s as if he is afraid of obtaining happiness.

my dudes

my buddies

my pals

Let’s be real for a second in terms of like where this show is headed with regards to my favorite character (surprise it’s Lance jk no one is surprised)

Recently this tweet happened:

And some people are taking this really well and other people… not so much. Which makes sense since all of us have been like #thirstin for something more for Lance and have been met with a lotta nothing, but I think this tweet is actually a good thing.

So in this recent interview with Kimberly, Josh, and Jeremy, Jeremy basically says what he’s been saying since day 1 that’s been echoed by a lot of the other cast members and crew.

Basically: Lance will step up to the plate and he’ll become more of a leader and take on more responsibility but at the end of the day…

Lance.

Is.

Lance.

And when people ask for more about Lance in terms of his character, you don’t really hear much beyond this, which is exTRemEly frustrating but just hear me out.

It might not be this deep but I think it’d be cool if there’s a reason for the Voltron team being so adamant in the fact that “Lance is Lance.” And he will always be no matter what. This can go one of two ways.

1. Lance is Lance because he will always only be comic relief. 6 seasons of comic relief. That’s him. He’s Lance. A flirt. Cocky. Goofy. Sure he might have some moments like we’ve seen in S1 and S2 but for the most part he’s there to be the team goofball to make everyone laugh (or groan with frustration and annoyance)

Which is shitty and terrible and I will be so angry if this is what goes down but for now let’s move onto the MUCH BETTER option 2.

2. Lance does become a leader (maybe a co-leader? Right hand man? stays the Blue Paladin and just kinda steps up more? whatever) but no matter how tough things get, no matter how worn down the team is, no matter how hopeless the situation seems, Lance can still be Lance. And I don’t just mean he’s able to crack a joke at a tense time to lighten the mood, though that also is a part of it. I mean that he is able to keep a level head and calmly think things through even in chaotic or near impossible situations

That he is always concerned about the well-being of other and is willing to lay down his life for his friends (AKA PEOPLE HE JUST MET)

That he’s also not afraid to call out these friends when he thinks they are making a mistake (there seems to be a running theme with this one…..)

That he’s also appreciative of his friends and pays attention to their needs/wants and their strengths

And that he will always go down swinging

But maybe most importantly, and this is what I hope the Voltron team is trying to get at, Lance will never lose his joy and excitement and happy go-lucky demeanor. This is what makes him the Blue Paladin (and also why I think he would make a great Black Paladin but anyways….). He’s the glue of the team and this means more than just being the comic relief and making ill-timed jokes.

I really love the Lance that is able to start a weird space spore fight or wants to knit sweaters for Arusians. I love the Lance that enjoys doing a crazy dance while explaining their extremely dangerous plan to defeat Zarkon. I love the Lance that has fun coming up with wild ideas about what else could be locked up in Beta Traz. It’s not that he’s not taking his job as a Paladin seriously but rather that he is trying to take this crazy situation in stride as much as possible. We know that he can be worried, insecure, and lonely, but this never stops him from being who he is. He stumbles, loses confidence, regains it, and stands back up again ready to start swinging at the next asshole who decides to come for him and his friends.

Lance is adaptable just like water. He might come in different forms (serious, competitive, caring, homesick, flirtatious, etc) but at the end of the day it’s all of it is a part of who he is. He might need to get better at figuring out the appropriate timing of being leader Lance or flirty Lance, but it’s not like he has to lose the more immature part of him to become a more well-developed character.

So when people say “Lance will always be Lance,” I’m actually pretty fucking thankful. I’ve read some Langst where Lance becomes more “Keith-like” to cope with his insecurities which……. I’m conflicted about. I don’t think he needs to go as far as NOT be him in order for the team to learn to appreciate him more. So I think this affirmation from the staff that Lance will always be himself no matter what makes me believe that he will be what keeps the team together through the difficult and tumultuous times to come. That even despite his clear self-doubt he will be able to put the team and others first and maintain his role as the glue. That he will still manage to grow and change as a Paladin AND maintain the things that make him Lance.

There will be growing pains, of course, (I’m guessing a lot to do with Keith) but just because he’s insecure doesn’t make him weak. Lance doesn’t have to become more serious or stoic in order to be taken more seriously or be more “mature.” Then he wouldn’t be the Lance we know and love. He can withstand the challenges to come and develop as a character without sacrificing these integral parts of himself. He is capable of SO MUCH and I can’t wait for him to unlock the potential that was always there within him and makes him who he is.

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hey @eightmonkeys , y’know that au where laurens lives??? i can totally dig that :^^)))