it's not exactly what i was expecting but not in a bad way i guess

for anybody who’s noticed my absence lately

I hate doing this. First, I have to tell you that. 

It’s not like my blog has an Aesthetic™ exactly, but I do feel like asking you guys for money violates any kind of style I’ve tried to impose on it. 

However, things really have gotten that bad, bad enough that I’m collectively asking for help. And it doesn’t matter that when it comes to most of you, we never talk–I’m still here, posting this, asking 862 people I love having as followers and know I might lose now. People who I don’t expect to be able to help me. We’re all broke, right? So consider this me shouting into the void.

I live with my spouse and sister-in-law. I have SSDI income, which pays for some, but not all, of our rent. I can’t bring in extra income–which isn’t usually annoying, since if I could work I wouldn’t be on SSDI. But this month I wish I could, somehow…I wish I could find odd jobs, on the internet or in the 1950s or something, to bring in even a tiny bit of money, because when you’re without food funds, $10-15 is a lifesaver. It’s bread and peanut butter, inexpensive pasta. It’s food.

But the point is, there’s not much I can do to help my family right now. My spouse got laid off, as the only working individual among us (my sister-in-law is epileptic and also can’t work. I know, I know, we’re quite the household), and we’re fighting for all our options, including government assistance. We live in Utah, so we’ll jump through all the hoops and still be unlikely to get it. We’ve been down this road before.

So here are the details: 

  • our rent costs $220 more than what I bring in.
  • our internet is $80
  • our bus passes cost $80 for the two of us, and in order for my spouse to get a new job, we’ll need the internet, and at least one bus pass (we don’t own a car).
  • our power is $80
  • our gas bill is $20
  • and my SIL’s seizure medication is $27. 

This doesn’t include my bipolar medication or pain meds, because they’re necessary for me but not, like, SEIZURE-level of necessary. Or on the same level as food. Which you’ll notice I didn’t list with a dollar amount. Because at this point we have no food budget. None. 

My spouse is actively seeking a new job, but after getting one, there’s that period of time where you wait for the start date, then you wait for the first paycheck, and then there’s three people here who need to eat in the meantime. We’ve used up all the strange leftover ingredients we had sitting around, in order to stretch our food supply further; we’re buying only the cheapest versions of what we eat; I’m deliberately going hungry most of the day so that I can eat one late meal and know that the food I do have will go farther.

It sucks. 

It’s not unusual for me–I grew up poor and am miserably familiar with going hungry–but it still sucks. I don’t have the emotional energy to send out queries for my finished book; I don’t have the physical energy to work on my newest book. I don’t have the fangirl energy to hang out here with you guys and make graphics or return to my fic.

We’ve exhausted our options, including asking my spouse’s family for money (horrible, successful, and still not enough to help with more than the rent). I don’t have family to ask. My spouse and sister-in-law ARE my family. Without adequate food or good health, drastic measures like plasma donation aren’t possible. So here I am, doing this. 

My paypal is deandratb@gmail.com. My spouse’s post about this is here, in case you’d like to see it.

I love you all so, so much. If you can spare anything, even $5, I’d be eternally grateful. If you can’t, and are willing to reblog this, thank you. I seriously really do love you. Even if I don’t know your name, or you don’t remember mine. Especially if I don’t know your name, or you don’t remember mine. I genuinely believe that you’re the best–that’s why I spend all my social time here. :)

Thanks for reading, tumblr. I miss you.

TL;DR If you can help me survive until we have money again, please reblog or send paypal funds to deandratb@gmail.com.