Terrifying Fanon Characters I've Come Across Scrolling The Homestuck AO3 Tag
JOHN: Cries. At. Everything. Also… clingy. Where is [person] ?!?! I need [person]!!! WhERE. Goes insane if left alone be because he lives for ATTENTION!!!! He will latch onto your leg like a 5 year old. Actually might be a 5 year old. Who knows. He doesn’t have enough character to tell.
ROSE: Weird Old Lady but in a young body. Cryptid. All you see of her is a glimpse across the Taco Bell parking lot at 4:13 am. She moonwalks back into the Taco Bell and orders a single dorito and then stares at you and offers cryptic advice.
DAVE: 100% bad boy stereotype. He smokes heroin behind your school near the dumpster. Everyone tells you stay away, for good reason. People say he’s an asshole. People are right. Also, where did the irony go. Its gone, much like my dignity after reading this certain fic.
JADE: Disgustingly happy or stereotype will-kick-your-ass-in-two-seconds bipolar. No in-between. She invites you to lunch with a heartfelt letter that pours her heart and soul into it, and when you arrive to the restaurant its a biker-gang-bar that she lives at. She punches a guy as you walk in.
JANE: Girl-who-bakes is her name, literally only baking is her game. Where is her character? Who knows. Did she bake it into her cupcakes? No. It’s just gone. Food is good though. Maybe because her character is only food. A good character arc for this Jane is dinner. That’s it.
ROXY: Eyyyyyyyyyyyy~ my man~. I use this~ at the end of evvvvery sentence~ cause im druuuuuuunk~. It gets old fast. Literally falls over other characters or any other person in the vicinity to shove her chest in your face. Has she ever even been sober? No. The answer is no.
DIRK: Suave. Sexy. Strider. Literally perfect, never is awkward, always knows what to say. 100% douche, 2000% of the time. No one mentions the anime shades, taboo subject. Anime is never mentioned once in the entire fic. Always cool, calm and collected. Ummm, no. Have you met the man in canon?
JAKE: Did someone say sport?!? I do sport?!? Watch me do sport?!? Sport!! Where did his ‘razz my berries’ talk go? It is no more. Generic jock. Football is his life, and it’s kinda sad to watch. He wanders around unaware of everything until someone says ‘Jake’ or 'football’ and then he smashes through 3 walls and a door to yell.