Top 13 Most Unfuckable Men in Dragon Age (according to me, a lesbian)
Honorable Mention: Oghren
I am not including Oghren on the official list for a couple reasons. Firstly, jokes about how gross Oghren is are basically everywhere. I can’t make a remotely original joke on this subject because they have all already been made. Secondly, I don’t want to subject anybody to actually thinking about fucking Oghren. And third, it’s no fun punching down. Nobody likes Oghren except me. And I get it. Oghren is a pretty cool character who was grossly mishandled by writers who think sexual assault, alcoholism and homophobia are hilarious jokes and not serious issues. Sorry about all this, Oghren. Enjoy your free pass from being mocked by a lesbian on the internet.
13. Zevran Arainai
Zevran is the least unfuckable man in Dragon Age because he wouldn’t make it weird. He’d give you a nice lay, do a good job, and then high-5 you afterwards. He’s nice-looking and experienced and would overall be an almost not-unpleasant experience. If there was a gun to my head and someone forcing me to pick a Dragon Age man to fuck, it would be Zevran.
12. RDP Sten
I say Realistic DAO Project Sten and not regular Sten because frankly RDP Sten is the true Sten. Honestly, look at this man. Assuming you didn’t die during intercourse, he’d make you breakfast the next morning, then reshackle your roof and do your taxes. RDP Sten would take care of you. RDP Sten would treat you right.
…as long as he gave Anders’ body a bath first, because wow he sure is a guy who lives in a sewer. Justice is a friendly Fade spirit curious about the mortal world and its many wonders. Fucking Justice would be a nice opportunity to show an otherworldly being a good time. Not to mention the novelty. Think of the puns you could make afterwards. “It was a spiritual experience.” “It was truly righteous.” “Justice isn’t easy–no, Justice is hard.”
10. Varric Tethras
Varric would be the ideal sugar daddy. He’d indulge you, buy you nice things, tell you stories, and when it’s time to go to bed, you’d just have to put up with him bringing his crossbow with him. Honestly, he probably wouldn’t even get to the sex. You’d have half your clothes off and then he’d start telling a story and three hours later he’s cried a little about his ex and fallen asleep cuddled up to his crossbow. Meanwhile, you are free to go back to your house with your money and jewelry. Ideal.
Alistair is inexperienced, but a nice boy. You could show him a good time, and then pat him on the head and give him a cookie afterwards. He’s funny and nice and if you aren’t his first lay, it’ll probably be Morrigan and she would probably turn into a spider halfway through just to fuck with him. I’m willing to fuck him just to spare him that being his first time. Alistair might make it weird and try to give you a flower or something, but he’s young and easily dissuaded. Fucking Alistair would be acceptable and satisfying in some ways.
8. Iron Bull
He ugly, but otoh, monster dong, if you’re into that. Iron Bull wouldn’t make it weird emotionally, but he would definitely make it weird sexually. Assuming you survived, you would have a hell of a story. I would bring that up at every cocktail party I went to for the rest of my life. “I fucked a minotaur man,” I’d say, sipping my martini. “He had an eyepatch, and a dong the size of your forearm. I’m lucky to have survived.” The party guests gasp and fan themselves at the scandal.
7. Nathaniel Howe
I have no feelings either way about fucking Nathaniel Howe. I would show up, do the deed, and leave. Maybe give him a thumbs up, to be polite. My entire soul doesn’t rebel against the concept, but neither can I think of any benefits to fucking Nathaniel Howe.
6. Sebastian Vael
I wouldn’t hate to fuck Sebastian, and he seems nice, I guess. He’d be on par with Nate, except for the fact that he’s a devout fantasy Catholic. I’m morally opposed to fucking Catholics, because I don’t like Catholicism, and because I don’t want to deal with their ensuing guilt. I would tolerate fucking Sebastian.
Fenris is objectively one of the best-looking men in Dragon Age, but oh lord, the canon romance path is so much. I’d do it just so I could touch his pretty hair, but I’d feel real bad about it. I like fenris. I don’t wanna cause him troubles. On the other hand, Isabela seems to manage it without much emotional fallout, so perhaps it would be alright. Fucking Fenris might be perfectly fine, but it might end terribly for all involved. As a lesbian I’m not gonna risk it.
Anders is a nasty sewer man who has no particularly attractive physical features to make up for it. He’d probably be an alright lay, but if you fucked him he’d definitely fall in love with you. Possibly he’d have already been in love with you for like three years. Then post-fuck he’d say a lot of weird stuff and ask to move into your house, and you’d be so worried about his eating habits and his stress that you’d be like “sure :)”, and then you’d have to change your name and flee the city to escape. Don’t fuck Anders.
I previously had Blackwall a spot higher, but then when I went to google a picture of him I realized he actually looks okay. Lumberjack aesth. Nice beard. Probably nice chest hair. Good muscles. But he’s also kind of a stinky old man who is kind of like your dad, and he would make his weird guilt issues your problem. I’d rather not, although I grant that if he was a couple decades younger he might be Acceptable.
I would really hate to fuck Cullen. I find him morally repugnant, physically unimpressive, and overall vile. Not to mention that he seems like the kind of sexually inexperienced dude to just try inserting Tab A into Slot B with no foreplay–but then, would you really want foreplay from this guy? At least it would all be over within 5 minutes and then you could make your escape through the window.
Solas is the absolute most unfuckable man in Dragon Age. Not only is he bald, and a genocidal maniac, but he would also get weirdly hung up on you. Then he’d like, haunt your dreams. “Vhenaaaaaaan,” you hear every night forever, to your horror. “You’re not like other girls,” he says, before showing you a picture of his fursona, which is a wolf. I would rather do literally anything else but fuck Solas. I thank G-d every day that Solas is not real, and that I am in no danger of ever fucking him. Solas is the least fuckable man in Dragon Age.
being a witch and living in a tiny dorm or apartment is a hassle… but here’s some (cheap and easy) tips to make your life a lot easier coming from a college witch!
quick note: if you are a student, you can get six months free of amazon prime with a student email account, and from then on out prime is only $50 instead of $100! amazon is a great place for tons of cheaper witchy resources (and really worth it for textbooks).
crystals! whether you’re sharing a room with someone or in a room by yourself, plenty of people collect and use crystals. check for local flea markets or see if there is an occult shop in your area, there’s bound to be some there. great starter crystals are clear quartz (an essential crystal), amethyst, and rose quartz!
📚 the library! your school library will have some sort of resources. also don’t worry about people thinking you’re strange for checking out books on magick… i promise they don’t care!
🕯 candles and incense! when i lived in a dorm, i hated not being able to light candles and burn incense. invest in some battery powered candles! you can get packs at local dollar stores or walmarts. as for aroma related magick, purchase some oils and mix them with some salt water and spray them around your room! oil warmers or wax warmers are also wonderful alternatives.
📖 a grimoire/book of shadows! i highly suggest keeping a personal book. no, you don’t have to get some elaborate leather bound book that came straight out of hocus pocus for it to be legit. you could find a sketchbook somewhere, use a three ring binder, or buy a hardback book at a thrift store and paint over the pages! your book is what you make of it. it is your own novel of personal magical experiences and knowledge, so make it your own!
🌵 plants! invest in cacti and succulents especially if you are a beginner or live in a tight space, they’re easy to manage throughout the rough mishaps and late nights of school work. cacti are great for protection and banishing negativity, where succulents bring love and healing. both plants can represent the ability to survive through conditions others cannot. if you have a balcony, take advantage!
⚗️ jars! now is a great time to collect containers from thrift stores, gather old pickle jars, and look for sales and coupons craft stores may have since most of them will have all sorts of neat jars.
🔮 an altar! if you don’t have a roommate to worry about, great! do your thing. if you do (and the don’t exactly seem cool with the whole witch thing), you can make a subtle altar of candles, crystals, and some plants or flowers. they don’t have to be elaborate. you could keep a small altar in a shoe box or draw one in your bos/grimoire! get creative!
✍️ sigils! use sigils. abuse sigils. put them everywhere. write them in binders or on your skin, write them on sticky notes or ripped paper and put them places you’ll see them or bury them outside. sleep with a protective one under your pillow. there’s so many things to do and its so easy to use them!
get creative! you can make crystals out of salt (another thing you should invest in), learn how to read playing cards if you can’t afford a tarot deck, and never forget you can find the coolest things at thrift stores. paint can be your best friend!
☕️ tea and coffee! a keurig is a wonderful investment. whether you like coffee or tea, it gives you boiling water fast without leaving a dorm. enchant your keurig and remind yourself of the properties in your drink to help you learn.
decorating! take advantage of things like twinkle lights and washi tape! if you don’t know about washi tape, its a decorating tape that does not damage walls. create constellations or sigils with washi tape on your walls! amazon also sells many cheap tapestries. give yourself a comfortable and pleasant space to live and work!
⏳ plan! enchant your planners to help you remember due dates, and while you’re at it, keep track of moon phases and other events! many calendars will tell you when full moons are.
meditate! this is something i find very important to stay sane during hard semesters. if you have a roommate, maybe meditate in the morning or late at night laying in bed. you could also meditate when they have classes. its okay if you cant every day, but its important to remember to save time for you.
walks! if you live in a dorm there’s a big chance you’ll be walking to class. enjoy these walks with nature, read outside every now and again, but make sure that you are always safe.
take your time! you do not have to collect all of these things in a week, month, or even year. witchcraft is all about intent and energy. you hold the power, the items are only there to help. manifest your own power, collect at your own pace.
🔎research! always research properties of things. buy cheap dried herbs from grocery stores and work with them, figure out what to put in your coffee to help you with your day, and learn how to enchant crystals to help you feel a little more confident about your studies. most importantly, learn to balance your studies and your witchy research, and don’t let witchcraft get in the way of your schoolwork. school should come first always!
i hope this helped some of you college witches, new and experienced! i am always open to answer questions! happy casting!
So it’s my second time DMing ever and my 8 year old cousin wanted to have a D&D themed birthday party. I’m familiar with 3.5 so I’m glad to do it. So him and his brothers, the oldest of which is 14, and his parents, both in their forties, all play.
I make up an original Island Adventure scenario that’s basically a fetch mission for a magical item they can trade the locals for a boat to go home in.
So they were deep into the jungle of the island and hadn’t fought anything too damaging. But then I set them up against a Giant Constrictor that started to give them a run for their money. They had it down to less than half health when the monk (the 8 year old’s character) was knocked unconscious.
Me: And the Snake manages to grab a tight hold of Gantea. Thora (the mother’s fighter) is up next.
Fighter OOC: Can I shout a battle cry before I hit it with my warhammer?
Me: Sure, that’s a free action to me.
Fighter: RULES OF NATURE!
Me: Ok, roll to confirm the crit.
*Nat 20 True Critical*
Table goes ballistic.
Me, in disbelief: So with the maternal savagery of a mother bear defending her young, you hit this snake so hard not only is its head taken off, but its entire skeleton is knocked clean from the skin. Gantea is no longer being constricted.
Fighter to Monk OOC: Remember this next time I tell you to clean your room.
The extrovert's guide in dealing with introverted personalities
SUBMITTED by Steve
-They can come off as … weird. Very subjective term because really, who’s to say what’s weird and what isn’t. But given that INxJs are arguably the rarest types and usually out of touch with the physical and concrete, it can definitely make the more down-to-earth extroverts out there feel as though they are alien in some way. But don’t be fooled, because behind those ambiguous stares there is a storm-load of activity going on in their minds.
- Their hunches can be incredibly valid. Unlike what the stereotype will have you believe, Dom-Ni is NOT a future-predicting function. For one thing, it’s very personal and subjective to each Dom-Ni user and some of them would probably disagree with each other on their hunches. However, they do have an ability to see things that a lot of us will miss. Not through any kind of mystical gift, but rather well thought out speculation. Even if they’re off, chances are they were still very wise in their assessment of things.
- There are usually your typical law-abiding citizen. (Good advice for everyone, not just extroverts) In complete contrast to the first point, INxJs may be way harder to spot than the stereotypes say. INTJs are not scientists working on a cure for cancer or world domination (depending where their Fi is at) and INFJs are not the next coming of Jesus Christ. A lot of them probably work in everyday jobs and there’s a good chance you’ve mistaken them for their S counterparts. Get to know them personally and you’ll see the difference.
- They are hard to get excited. Inferior Ne can be a bitch sometimes. Throwing fun suggestions at an ISxJ may often result in “Meh…” or “I don’t know…” Of all types, they are usually the hardest to pull out of their comfort zone. If you suggest something to them and they start bombarding you with questions such as ’‘What time? Who will be there? How does it work?” etc. don’t get irritated because that actually means you’ve tickled their interest and now they’re just trying to cover all their bases.
- They are experts in their fields. Si-Doms tend to have very few interests in life, but what does interest them, they probably know the insides and outs of it, like no other. They love to study at length what peaks their interest and in this case, their factual knowledge about things is usually second to none. They are the definition of “vested interest”. Also note that they are geeks in disguise, so just like NP types, do not criticize old stuff they have an attachment to. They still like something from the 80’s? Then so shall it be. Telling them it’s stupid for them not to move on is actually much more hurtful than it looks.
- Their loyalty and commitment cannot be doubted. If an ISxJ say they’ll do something, they’ll do it, ‘nuff said. Hell, even if it turns out that it’s actually an inconvenience to them. They just cannot back out of commitment. Of course, stuff can always come up at the last second, in this case, you’ll receive a rain check or heart-felt apology. If an ISxJ actually does flake out, that’s … not okay, but they were probably hesitant about it from the start.
They are blunt. You want an honest and direct opinion? IxTPs will give you that faster than any other type. In many cases, it can actually feel brutally honest, so more sensitive types may wanna steer clear. Of course, if their opinion is splattered with insults and an impatient tone, then you’re dealing with an unhealthy type and that’s not okay.
- They are “dispassionate.” Sounds like a really negative trait but what it really means is they are the embodiment of “objective.” IXTPs very rarely take things too seriously with a burning passion flowing through their veins. As of such, cynicism and sarcasm is very likely. Don’t take it the wrong way though, because underneath that, they can offer the most practical advice or at least see things as they are, with no bias and emotional tones tainting their view. And while that can definitely be off-putting, and it can also be extremely useful.
Don’t try to turn a frog into a prince. I’m sure there is a better way to say this? What I mean is that Inferior Fe, even if healthy and mature, will always find it draining to keep up social appearances. You either appreciate this trait of theirs or keep looking elsewhere. But don’t expect to turn your IXTP love interest into a social butterfly overnight.
- They march to the beat of their own drum. If Dom-Ni can be hard to decode, prepare yourself for Dom-Fi. Like a fire, it is burning, passionate and unpredictable. Sometimes, even IxFPs themselves can’t pin-point the reason they feel so passionate about a given subject. Don’t try to constantly size up a Fi-Dom, you’ll get exhausted. Even their closest friends and family often have a hard time reading what’s going on in their mind. Respect their privacy and their inner world and don’t force them to lay out how they feel on the table.
- Support their causes. If an IxFP feels strongly about something, then this is unwavering to them. They will fight for what they believe in to the bone. You either support it or stay clear but telling them they’re wrong or it’s a waste of time may turn you into an “enemy” in their eyes.
- Do NOT attempt to control them. Offering sound advice? Sure. But any shade of “You should do this…” not only falls on deaf ears but may actually cause them to do the exact opposite out of spite. Dom-Fi is the ultimate free spirit who wants to experience life on its own terms and Inferior Te does NOT want to be told what to do. This can be pretty hard at times though. You see an IXFP loved one acting recklessly (ISFP) or acting on a crazy idea (INFP) it’s only normal for you to want to steer them on a straight path, but in actuality it will be counter-productive. Just stay clear and let them learn from their mistakes, IF it’s actually a mistake to begin with. You’d be surprised how many times acting on one’s own accord can pay off in the long run. There’s many world-renowned musicians and artists who could probably vouch for that.
Alright, for career day, Ruby's uncle, Qrow Branwen will be speaking. He's a huntsman! Everyone say hello to Mr. Branwen!
Hi Mr. Branwen-
HI UNCLE QROW!!!!
Qrow, pulling out a flask:
Alright kids. Do any of you want to be huntsmen or huntresses?
*Raise their hands*
*Hops up in down in her seat as she rockets her hand up*
Alright, the first thing you've got to know about my line of work is that picking your health insurance plan is very important. Now I know that going with the one that just covers combat injuries seems like a good idea, but it's NOT.
*Swigs from flask*
Um, Mr. Branwen, what are you dr-
Anyways, as I was saying. People you know are going to DIE. People you care about are going to LEAVE YOU. And when you eventually turn to alcohol, and you WILL-
*Takes a swig*
-You're going to go too far one night and need to get your stomach pumped, and that shit is EXPENSIVE. And then-
Hold on, lemme finish. And then you're going to be hard on cash and have to crash at an old friend's house while you do wet work for Atlas of all kingdoms in an attempt to scrounge up enough money to get back on your feet. And you'll have to work with WINTER MOTHERFUCKING SCHNEE.
Mr. Branwen, I think it's time for you to-
TELL THEM THE STORY ABOUT THE BLONDE AMPUTEE GIRL!
Oh yeah, that's the other thing about your health insurance. If you're ever going to Atlas, make sure your insurance covers STI's. There was this one time,
Qrow Branwen! These kids are in 6th grade!
6th grade? Ruby, you're almost in middle school! Man, the time sure does fly.
“It is my understanding that you are the most comprehensive member of this agency in the field of extraterrestrial life, is that right?” the agent asks. He’s trying to sound calm, but Louis can tell he’s shaken as well.
“Um, I guess so,” Louis says, glancing over at the man in the blanket again.
Suddenly, Louis’s blood runs cold. There’s something off about the man, something in his gaze, something Louis can’t put his finger on. It’s terribly unsettling, but excitement bubbles in his gut.
Or, Louis is an FBI agent who likes to think himself a paranormal expert, and Harry is alien that somehow ended up in his office.
A/N: This is without a doubt one of the best fics Hayley and I have ever written. Not just as a collab, but amongst our own works as well. We are both so fucking in love with this story and I hope you guys love it as much as we do. Words cannot explain how amazing and beautiful this fic is to me.
If you are the kind of person who enjoys reading bubbly love stories with happy endings than I must advice you now that this story is not one of those. Because I am about to tell you the story of two lovers so addicted to each other and so connected to the other that they cheated death itself — only to be struck by another wave of agonizing tragedy instead.
Y/N Y/L/N and Stiles Stilinski were the two greatest lovers time and the universe have ever witnessed… and that drove them insane. Jealousy taking over both of their features, the universe did everything it could to separate the two until finally time found a vicious way to win. How could they have known a force so much stronger and so much darker than the incredible love they shared had begun to take over?
It didn’t matter how hard they tried to fight back nor how much they begged time for mercy, their destinies were already paved. All they could do was accept its path and believe in the quote life had beautifully taught them:
The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
So there are these two boys in my school, one of them is a punk dude and the other is a complete nerd. these two dudes are best friends and literally everyone ships them. the nerd one happens to be in all my advanced classes and talks to me about the punk one A LOT. I already know the nerd one is gay, but the punk ones sexuality is still unknown. These two boys are so protective over each other its unbelievable. In gym this one dude was joking around with the nerd dude and i guess it got way to aggressive because he punched him REALLY hard and he left a bruise on his arm, The punk guy sees this and gets really mad at the dude and yells at him for punching him to hard. He then goes over to the nerd, makes sure hes ok, and proceeds to look at the arm to make sure he is in fact ok. soMEONE HELP BECAUSE THESE BOYS WILL BE THE NED OF MEE!! will keep story updated
I love how your fans love to speculate about every single syllable, everything you've written like, sweet creature, so i don't know if you saw this but this is my favorite thing. So all over twitter and social, they're sure that it's not about a girl, it's about Louis and that, you know, especially like two hearts in one home, it's hard when we argue, we're both stubborn, they're sure that that's about your relationship with Louis Tomlinson, is it?
I mean.... i think... umm... *makes uncomfortable noises*... i mean... i think everyone... people are always gonna speculate about what songs are about, um, and i don't think i'd ever want to tell someone that they're wrong, um, for feeling how they feel about songs even when they're not necessarily right. I think, you know, i think the fun thing in music is you get to, you get to write a song and that's all that you want to say on it and you don't necessarily have to explain it much more than that. But i think if you really listen to the lyrics i think you can work out whether it's about that or not and i'd lean towards no.
shoutout to nonbinary people loving women who are not sure if they relate to womanhood and feel a connection to women or not
it’s okay not to be sure about your gender identity! it’s okay not to know if you have a connection with womanhood or just share your experiences with women!
it can be especially difficult because nonbinary people loving women are often pressured to identify as sapphic and to relate to womanhood, and it might be hard to tell your own feelings from what it seems you ‘should’ feel
nonbinary people loving women who don’t know if they relate to womanhood or not are wonderful and lovely and will definitely figure it out if they want to!