I had a really bad panic attack today leaving work, something I haven’t experienced in months. One of those tight chest, brink of tears kind of feelings that hits out of nowhere and feels completely crippling. I still feel really out of sorts and sad and I don’t like it. One of the things that triggered this bout is now resolved but I’ve still got this dark feeling in my chest that I just can’t shake.
We sublet our office at the moment and one of the guys who works for the other company asked me today if I ever woke up dreading work so much that I would rather die than come in that morning. I may be underpaid, work ridiculously long hours and have no social life but I never don’t want to go to work. I felt really sad for him. He’s barely out of college and already hates his job so much he said he’d rather be an inanimate object than be there. That’s not a life.
I worry a lot about the state of my life (as it’s a weird complicated place where work and myself bleed into one another and I feel very stunted in some places, left out in others, and feeling more and more reclusive every day) but at least I’m not as sad as he is. I don’t think I could handle feeling like that.
Everything is okay. Everything is stressful, hectic, crazy, lonely, loved, under appreciated, overwhelming, smothered, exciting, and nervewracking. But okay.