The hair on the back of my neck rose but I kept walking. I
was pissed at him from his question to Fermin earlier – as if I could not
handle myself! He never cared to ask me about the details when we were
together, so what would he know about who else there was to send, what it was
that I did? It was embarrassing to be called out like that in a meeting where
everyone could hear. Thankfully, Fermin shut him down before he could completely
voice it, but the message had been clear; I should not participate in the raid.
He blocked my path with his arms crossed. I tried to step to
the side, but he moved back in my way. I grit my teeth, why the hell couldn’t
he just leave me alone? “What the fuck do you want?”
“We need to talk.” I used to love the way that he’d look
when he was being pushy – the way his eyes would narrow and the frown that forms
on his lips – now all I felt was irritation.
“I don’t have shit to say to you, go away,” I spit out but I
knew how stubborn he could be. He wouldn’t move until he felt like we’d talked
about whatever it was that was so important that he had to make a scene like
this. Or until I fought past him. It would probably be the latter that would
“Then listen.” I decided that I should expedite the fighting
process and started to raise my hands, which he caught. “Don’t go to that raid.
They can blow the safe in the lab, it’s not like it needs to be finessed open.”
I jerked my hands down and twisted my wrists to break his
grasp, “Shut up! What are you, my father? I’ve been working on this thing for
months now! I’m going!”
“It’s going to be dangerous. It’s not going to be like the
house – this is supposed to be their main lab, it’ll have a lot of guards.”
“Really?” I asked
sarcastically, “I thought we’d just show up and everyone would be cool with us
being there! You mean they won’t like us setting fire to the building? This is so surprising!”
“Take this seriously, Emilia! You could get hurt! You could
“Oh for fuck’s sake, stop acting like you give a shit. You’ve
got your little family now. A girl that isn’t into this at all. Why don’t you go home and stay there for the raid?
Or,” I felt the bitterness well up, “is family life not agreeing with you after
all? You look exhausted, maybe you want to get shot so you don’t have to deal
He expression grew dark, “That’s not funny. I care about
you, that’s why I’m trying to talk you out of this. If Yulian gave a shit about
you, he’d do the same.”
“How fucking noble. And I don’t even know why you’re
dragging him into this.”
“That’s who you’re with now, isn’t it? Nice panties by the
way, it was nice of him to share that picture with me.”
I laughed mirthlessly, “Still upset about that, are we? He
thought it was only fitting that you get to see them, especially since I bought
them to wear for you. Did it bother you knowing that he got to slide them off
of me before he-“
“Fuck! Stop it, Emilia!”
“No, you stop!” I said, shoving against him. “I’m not asking
for your advice or help or anything! Leave me the fuck alone! You decided to
stay with her after you cheated, I don’t even know why you keep trying to show
up in my face for!”
“Because I knew you weren’t coming back!” he shouted and
seemed surprised that he had said it aloud.
“Then what are you doing right now? Move!” He stepped to the
side and let me past. I raised a finger in a farewell salute.
“Did you ever fucking love me?” he asks and I can hear the
hurt in his voice.
I don’t turn to face him, because his tone alone has made my
resolve waiver. If he had said it any other way, I would have told him ‘no’. And
I think of all that romance bullshit that says that if you love someone, you
want what’s best for them – that it isn’t selfish. But I am a selfish person, I
don’t think I’m capable of doing anything altruistic. But if I didn’t at least
care, I wouldn’t have been so pissed off when I found out about the other
I feel strange. I don’t know how to answer that question.
Had I ever been in love? I felt good with him, I liked being with him, was that
I answer him honestly and I know it’s probably not what he
wants to hear, but it’s the only one I can give:
The childlike drawing on top is a page from a Lil’ Boosh book I am trying to make for the Boosh Art Club. The childlike drawing on the bottom is what my four-year-old drew this morning based on seeing my drawing last night. I’m pretty sure my Vincess is the youngest Booshlr (for now!) and while she’s a bit young for her own account, I think we can agree she’s an important part of this fandom!
FACK i didn’t see this till today! I’m so sorry, bb!
Reiner keeps staring at me in the shower. It makes me super fucking uncomfortable. So I end up hiding behind Bertbert for cover, but then I don’t know whether I’m covered with shower water or his swampy perspiration.