You are a guard in a fantasy world. You notice a man in elegant armor kick a chicken in the streets. In your lawful rage, you manage to kill this man in the name of justice. To your dismay, you realize you just killed The Chosen One. You just doomed the world.
Today I learned that Colonel Sanders of delicious crispy chicken fame was not a military colonel but a Kentucky Colonel
Though way back in the day Kentucky Colonels did have some manner of involvement in military, it basically just became like Kentucky knighthood where the only qualifications are “Kentucky thinks you’re cool”. Kentucky Colonels do not need to be from Kentucky. They don’t need to have lived in Kentucky. They don’t even need to have lived in America.
Other Kentucky Colonels include Muhammad Ali, Winston Churchill, Hunter S. Thompson, and Jeff Foxworthy, which is a failed Bill & Ted script just waiting to happen.
Anyways, Colonel Sanders had a goddamn wild life. Here’s some choice moments from his wiki page and and some other places:
-Faked his birthday to join the army when he was 16 and was honourably discharged a year later
-Worked on trains until he became a lawyer. Stopped being a lawyer after getting into a fistfight with his own client in the courtroom.
-Got a job selling life insurance and got fired for insubordination. After selling more life insurance for a different company, decided to start a ferry company.
-While acting as a minority shareholder and secretary for the ferry company, he became secretary of commerce in the state of Indiana. He quit a few months later because he “wasn’t very good at it”
-Sold his shares in the ferry company to start a company that produced acetylene lamps, which failed due to a competitors cooler electric lamps. Got a job selling tires, and then got laid off when the plant closed. Got a job running a service station, then got laid off when the station closed, because the Great Depression happened.
-Got a job at a different gas station owned by Shell and began selling chicken (!). Became the uncontested king of local chicken after his competitor showed up, tried to shoot him, shot a Shell official instead, and got convicted of murder.
-After his wife took their kids and left him to move back in with her parents, Sanders hid in the forest outside their house planning to kidnap the kids when they came outside. Got bored of waiting for them so he just strolled over to the house and talked it out with his wife and in-laws.
-KFC happened, being a colonel happened, he sold it but continued to be the company’s public image. Proceeded to randomly show up at various KFC franchises and insult them if they made it poorly. Continued to insult KFC’s parent company Heublin forever, including saying their food was gross and suing them for misusing his image. They tried to sue him for libel and were unsuccessful.
-He literally wore nothing but that white suit for the last 20 years of his life and also bleached his facial hair
-“According to a Thought Catalog synopsis of [his autobiography], Colonel Sanders was a servant of God, with a nasty mouth and a willingness to pummel a man with a chair”
-He has a publicly viewable file with the FBI that includes a paragraph that begins with “Colonel Harland D. Sanders has not been the subject of an FBI investigation” immediately followed by a paragraph of redacted text
I’m supposed to be up at 6am tomorrow but here I am reading about the chicken man. I don’t even know if I CAN sleep now
A/N: This is three steps away from being a shitpost
Kakashi’s that friend that seems cool at first but is actually the biggest dork once you get to know em. He’s all suave in front of other people but when it’s only you two that facade just drops.
“Where did your cool and aloof attitude go?”
“Where all the fucks I gave went”
You know that meme that’s like “she slapped my smirk away but luckily I was wearing a second, smaller smirk underneath” or something? That’s his mask. If someone tries to pull his mask off Kakashi has a second, equally-sized mask underneath so you still don’t see anything.
Steals your food tbh. No one knows how he eats it without someone seeing his face, but he does it. You suspect the mask may just be a very elaborate genjutsu
Got drunk and tried to teach Pakkun how to play fetch. Pakkun did fetch–he fetched Kakashi’s dignity from the trash can and then dragged him home
Replaced all the snacks in the jounin lounge with dog biscuits once. Was subsequently thrown out a window.
Reenacted Diogenes and Plato’s interaction in Plato’s Academy with Jiraiya. Jiraiya was Plato. Kakashi had the chicken.
Sculpted an owl’s head out of a banana. Has not done so since then
Would learn to play the accordion if he ever got his hands on one
Once fought off seven rogue nin using a carton of eggs, a plastic spoon, and a bedsheet
He insists the previous point is true to anyone who will listen
•bad new year jokes
•if a dog wore pants would he wear them like this or this
•all these suggestion blogs
•orange soda please
i’ll have the strawberry soda
me too, the strawberry soda
•You fucked up a perfectly good x is what you did. Look at them. They got anxiety.
•kylo ren is shredded
•Jared Leto: *does something*
Director: oh my God…it’s like…is he Jared…or Joker right now?????
•super mario 64 half a press
•this is x. be like x
•the finebros suing something
•secret government agent: *punches me in the face* SAY IT
secret government agent: x
me: *spits blood in their face* fUCK YOU
•bernie or hillary things that have a ridicilous issue and even funnier answers
•jean something, jomething
•ted cruz is the zodiac killer
•the dad from kuzco being like 👌
•everyone who watched zootopia is a furry
•history of japan
•x or y? *insert similiar pictures here, like donald trump and raw chicken*
•get you a man that can do both
•going to papaw’s house for burgers
•no oscar meme is dead meme
•we dem boyz
•i’m you but stronger
•different variations of the hs panel where jade picks up the note
•tumblr’s lizard voting
•everyone’s a dirty homestuck
•lot of those powerpuff selves
•ruining someone’s dream journal
•there’s no way out of it you’ll just have to decapitate me
•autocorrect in verbal conversation
person1: i love you
person2: this is a verbal conversation
•WHAT WE REALLY AREEE
•don’t talk to me or my son ever again
•dark x show me y
•are you x or y person? (tag yourself meme in text format)
•get a man who can do both is getting more popular again
•it’s june where the fuck are halloween memes???
•the vacuum cleaner playing a harmonica
•associating characters/songs/etc. with spongebob screenshots
•(any videogame) go, go outside and x
•a picture of something with text, and more pictures after that, in every one of the pictures the picture starts getting waaay worse, but the text gets really detailed
•judge: how do you plead?
x: *looks at y*
y: *mouths ‘not guilty’*
x: hot milky
y: jc just lock them up
•hitting the blue button
•arthur screenshot where his hand is a fist
•9-1-1 for kids
•RANDY YOUR STICKS
•how (character) are you feeling today? *numbers from 1 to ten with silly pictures of the character*
•the thing with voltron fandom where there’s train tracks and “death in season 2” and two characters and u have to choose which one to kill
•someone: a basic word
me, an intellectual: that word said with synonyms to make it sound weird
•gonna prank dad when he gets home ((he never gets home))
•[song] but it keeps getting faster
•the presidental debate, i can’t believe that there still are people who want to vote trump after that, yikes
•you vs the guy she told you not to worry about
•picture of someone with those math things
•my longest yeah boy ever
•taking a picture of something that requiers two hands in a bathroom
•posting ur favourite vines
•sir, you’ve been in coma
•kermit with a hood on his head
•blurred image that says perfection, after that an image where glasses are being cleaned, and then something u like
•WE ARE NUMBER ONE
• *picture of really basic or bad food with text that’s spelled wrong and the phrase “bon appetit” is spelled even more wrong"
•*dropping something, and it spells send nudes*
•x but every time y happens it gets faster
*bee movie but every time they say bee it gets faster
•several spongebob memes
•i described the meme about bad pictures with detailed text in july, it’s wildly popular now
apparently i missed a few things so, additions:
•a lot of spongebob memes, like the blurry mister crabs
•nebby get in the bag
•harambe happened earlier than it says on the list
•several stranger things memes
•we die like men