Ten honest thoughts on being loved by a skinny boy.
One: I say, “I am fat.” He says, “No, you are beautiful.” I wonder why I cannot be both. He kisses me. Hard.
Two: My college theater professor once told me that, despite my talent, I would never be cast as a romantic lead. We put on shows that involve flying children and singing animals, but apparently no one has enough willing suspension of disbelief to buy anyone loving a fat girl.
Three: On the mornings I do not feel pretty, while he is still asleep, I sit on the floor and check the pockets of his skinny jeans for motive, for a punchline, for other girls’ phone numbers.
Four: When we hold hands in public, I wonder if he notices the stares — like he is handling a parade balloon down a crowded sidewalk. I wonder if he notices how my hands are made of rope.
Five: Dear Cosmo: Fuck you. I will not take your sex tips on how to please a man that you do not think my body will ever be worthy of.
Six: He tells me he loves me with the lights on.
Seven: I can cup his hip bones in palms of my hands, feel his ribs without pressing very hard at all, sip wine from his collarbones. He doesn’t believe me when I tell him he is beautiful. Sometimes I fear the day he does is the day he leaves.
Eight: The cute hipster girl at the coffee shop assumes we are just friends and flirts across the counter. I spend the next two weeks replacing my face with hers in all of our photographs. When I finally admit this, we spend the whole night taking new pictures. He will not let me delete a single one.
Nine: The phrase “Big girls need love, too” can go die in a fire. Fucking me does not require an asterisk. Loving me is not a fetish. Finding me beautiful is not a novelty. I am not a novelty.
Ten: I say, “I am fat.” He says, “No. You are so much more” and kisses me. Hard.
Where Clarke and Lexa decide that their shin dig that approaches into the night is a date and they really like each other. Featuring Clarke loving to cuddle and my Mac (in the first snap) because who can find a picture of a picture of high school musical playing on a laptop or TV.