One maladaptive coping mechanism that turns very toxic when you’re
not defending against abuse is to read any uncomfortable situation as a
deliberate personal attack, and sometimes extrapolate one incident into a
whole pattern of malicious intent.
“Hey, I have a headache, could you please lower your voice a little?” - “FINE I guess I just won’t say anything at all!”
“Hey thanks for inviting me, but I’m not feeling well, so I’m sorry but I can’t make it. Maybe (x day) instead?” - “Sorry for asking! I guess I’m just too needy for you!”
(Someone forgets to call you back.) - “Yeah I don’t think we’re friends anymore, she acts like she hates me.”
“Hey, what you just said about me was literally not true. Why did you say that?” - “Right, I’m just a piece of shit who should never talk at all I guess!”
"I don’t really feel like sex tonight.” - “Sorry I’m so repulsive to you!”
“You really hurt my feelings. Why did you do that?” - ”Go ahead and just break up with me, I know you’ve been wanting to.”
This kind of response escalates an interaction from a two-way conversation about a specific problem into a fight about your own self-worth. Instead of reponding to what’s actually happening or interrogating whether an attack was intended, this response immediately changes the conversation into a defensive argument where the only relevant question is if you’re an okay person that people care about.
Like I get feeling this
kind of reaction, I get having a knee-jerk response of fear and shame
and self-loathing. Sometimes when you’re feeling vulnerable it is very,
very difficult not to read super far into anything negative. Sometimes
it just reflects off all your internal fears and amplifies inside of you
until a polite “no” feels like everyone you’ve ever liked is telling
you they hate you.
But it is possible, with some work, to
separate your feelings from your actual knowledge of the situation. It’s
possible to feel one thing in your heart and still recognize with your
mind that the reality is different. You can learn to notice the
difference between someone actually attacking you and something just
feeling like an attack because you’re extra vulnerable.
can also learn not to react based solely on your feelings. You can learn
to take another person’s actual words and actions into account and
respond based on what you think - not just feel - their intent actually was. That work is
as necessary as it is difficult.
People need to be able to tell
you things that aren’t overwhelmingly positive without you making them
feel guilty for saying anything and treating their concerns as an
Otherwise, you wind up in a position where they can’t be honest with you. They can’t say no to you, can’t tell you when something you do hurts or scares them, can’t point out worrying things as
friends do to take care of each other, can’t bring up their own needs without the conversation devolving into comforting you again.
This habit interacts especially badly with
the way many other trauma survivors are terrified of upsetting anyone –
when your reaction to them bringing up problems or saying no is consistently disproportionate, they may
find it easier to just do what you want even against their own will.
It is possible to deal with those awful feelings and get the comfort you need without resorting to lashing out when you feel bad. It’s okay to be honest about the fact your emotions don’t always line up with reality so people know what you’re going through. It’s okay to just ask for the emotional support you need or for confirmation that they mean what they say.
You may even find that when you make a continuous effort not to treat these uncomfortable experiences as crises, they deescalate and you wind up feeling more secure each time.
Look, this coping mechanism, like many forms of manipulation, is a useful survival tool in the context of an abusive relationship where you really are being attacked insidiously, and where you can’t just ask for comfort and expect to get it. But if you are no longer in that kind of situation, it’s time to reevaluate the usefulness/danger ratio and figure out what other strategies might be better for you and the people you love.
HEY EVERYONE who love 19 days and recognize my existence
I change the way I colored this little comic a little bit, especially on the lighting effect. Hope it gives a pleasant feeling while reading it. I drew this on Krita, and the text tool is shitty so I ended up writing the dialog with pen tab :(
I usually included some rant along the fanart I made, and this one is going to be a reaaaaally long rant (okay, maybe not, but still) so I’m putting a tab below to help you skip the rant lol
PS: I hope you’re not scared seeing He Tian’s body *sobs I had hard time configuring the body without references :’(
“average person hates 3 fat taakos a year” factoid actualy just statistical error. average person hates 0 fat taakos per year. tumblr user happy-moon-love, who lives in a cave & hates over 10,000 fat taakos each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted
Can you explain why you think Jake Peralta has ADHD?
I’m actually really glad you asked because oooh boy, let met tell you, Jake Peralta, in my humble opinion as a fellow sufferer, is currently the single most obvious but sadly non confirmed (yet… one can still hope) fictional character with (most likely) undiagnosed ADHD out there. His strengths as well as his flaws all point towards him having the disorder.
So let me start with the good things:
- He’s a quick thinker! He thinks in unconventional ways with his mind taking leaps and turns whenever it feels like it. Often allowing him to solve cases in creative ways. … It also makes for interesting conversations most of the time.
- Using his impulsivity in a good way! When he figures something out, he’s usually the first one to get up AND DO SOMETHING.
- Excitability! Have you seen how his eyes lights up when he feels like he’s doing what he thinks is right? He becomes like a little hyperactive child again. Usually, adults with the disorder, aren’t as much outwardly hyperactive anymore as children are. Instead, this tends to turn into feelings of restlessness and gets internalized. But of course, in a show like this, it makes sense to show him like this.
- Hyperfocus! Die Hard, anyone?! That guy has had the same hyperfixation for years!!! And I bet, he frequently uses his hyperfocus capability to get things done, too. That is, if he’s interested enough, of course.
- His energetic personality! Brings some energy and passion into the work place, don’t you think? And also it’s how many adults with ADHD are perceived if they feel well-integrated and at ease with their surroundings. Always the one coming up with new ideas? That’s us!
Now onto the not so good stuff when you’re the one struggling with it:
- Again, impulsivity. Saying the first thing that comes to your mind, talking… A Lot, acting without thinking and without regard for consequences. As seen on the show, it has not always been the best “decision” for him.
- Mood swings! Unfortunately, many are not aware of this fact but in many cases, ADHD actually comes with fast and frequent mood swings. The smallest things can trigger intense emotional responses. Jake definitely has that as he tends to jump from “Life is meaningless!” to “I’m the greatest!” without a problem. Just solved a case? I’M SO HAPPY!!! Oh no, they got away with it? Why bother anymore…… Yeah, that…
- You know the episodes where he and Captain Holt are undercover as part of the Witness Protection Program and Holt points out how Jake seems depressed lately? Yeah, people with ADHD can way too easily fall into this mindset (mood swings, anyone?). With the absence of regular work to keep his fast-pacing mind occupied, it’s not a surprise that he starts feeling this way.
- Not able to handle boredom! He has always something going. Games, ideas, looking for new cases. He never slows down and seems to keep himself occupied at all times. Classic ADHD!
- The way he handles words and numbers, anyone? How he never reads books? Oh, and then his troubles with finances? His locker and desk looking… like that? Classic signs of troubles with organisation and attention to me.
- Easily discouraged! It can’t be denied that he hasn’t had an easy childhood. Together with the troubles with his father, ADHD could be a way to explain why he now is the way he is.
- Problems with lowself-esteem (*cough* and definitely Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria)! Either he feels like THE BEST COP OUT THERE or he falls into this thinking pattern where you have trouble believing that people actually care about you. Probably something he should talk about in therapy, as he puts it himself.
Together with his tendency to procrastinate when it comes to boring stuff, his inability to express and cope with his feelings sometimes, his forgetfulness and not so ideal time management (for example, being late to work all the time), I strongly believe that Jake Peralta has ADHD and should be written and confirmed as such (hey, it’s never too late!). An episode focusing on him suspecting he has the condition and eventually seeing a specialist? I’d cry. Honestly.
Plus: The fact that so many real people with the disorder relate to him??? Okay, that’s not actually relevant here but definitely something the writers should take into consideration. BUT, don’t feel bad if you don’t! Not everyone’s ADHD is the same! :)
Psst, you won’t believe how many times I sit there thinking “that’s so me!” while watching the episodes. There’s even more “evidence” sprinkled throughout the show. All the small details not listed aboved. It’s marvelous and oh-so-relatable.
And just imagine the many excited faces watching the show when a main character on a immensely popular show like this would be confirmed as being one of them! Just thinking of the tiny, tiny, TINY possibility puts me into happy stimming mode!!! It would also help increase awareness in those who may not know anything about it and help reduce prejudices ‘cause ding dong, ADHD is not a fake disorder and adults can have it, too. Surprise!
shitty argument: “stop complaining about one thing when this other Way Worse thing also happens”
good argument: “pain is relative, people can care about a multitude of issues at the same time, and fighting against microaggressions helps break down the oppressive system rather than getting in the way”
i headcanon kaz has a specific laugh inej pines after too. i always tend to write kaz’s “rare, unrestrained laugh” in my things because he does laugh often. he has a dry, humorless laugh like dead leaves. and there’s at least one instance when he “bursts out laughing” that i imagine sounds quite maniacal. so maybe just maybe inej (and jesper) listen closely to hear the REAL one. and you can’t tell me inej doesn’t get flustered when she hears it