it was me i pooped the duck

Tribute to my best friend. You were always there for me, through sunshine and rain. When my dysfunctional family was crumbling down, when I was bullied in school, when the entire world seemed so bleak, you wagged your tail and smiled at me. And suddenly everything was going to be okay.

We dug giant holes in the backyard, filled it with water, jumped in and covered ourselves in mud. The best days were when we got to go to your favorite lake. You really loved to roll in duck poop and dead fish. I held you in my lap even when you smelled like rotten fish. I had to shampoo you twice and it was all so much fun.

With each divorce and remarriage, we had to move and give you away when the new place didn’t allow dogs. But somehow you always made it back to me. When emotional trauma gave me amnesia for one year, I couldn’t remember the people in my life but I remember you. If my mom had gone through with the suicide, I would have been okay because I had you.

I grew up and you grew old. Now I’m old enough to be okay on my own, and it was thanks to you. I’ll always miss you. Thank you for the 17 years of unconditional love.

anonymous asked:

do you hate anons...

only if they’re

  • i play flute and my crush plays violin will it work out???
    • (do you really think i can tell you based on that information)
  • i’m playing [difficult piece] and it’s hard
    • (cool. is there a question)
  • what about e flat minor?
    • (you might wonder why i hate this question. it’s because i get it all the time. e flat minor is nice to listen to and bad to play. now sh)
  • what do you think about fried duck poops with legs shaped like apache helicopters
    • (random does not equal funny. it’s 2017. stop)
  • anything that can be answered just by looking at my blog
    • (just look at my fucking blog)
  • why do you hate canon in D?
    • (i’ve answered this more often than a cello in canon in D has to play D-A-B-F#-G-D-G-A. just google you-had-me-at-e-flat-major pachelbel)

other than that no

Motherduckers: Chapter 2

Fic by: Jdragon122

Art by: @dragonpressgraphics ( :D Thank you again for the lovely art!)

Fic Summary: Dean’s gone through hell, been to purgatory, stopped the apocalypse, but never could he hope to say no to the combined force of Castiel and Sam Winchester. When it came to pets, Dean had always had a strict rule. But for whatever reason, now had to be the time he broke that rule… and thanks to Cas, it seemed the Winchesters first pets would be a group of tiny, fluffy ducklings.

Chapter Summary: Two weeks later and the ducks are still as cute and chipper as ever - although they are starting to get a bit smelly. Time for them to have a bath.

Dean heard the now familiar cheeping coming down the hall as he bit into his bacon breakfast burrito. He turned his head as Cas sat down in the chair next to him, his hair ruffled and trench coat wrinkled.

Dean looked behind him, and on queue, five little ducklings waddled up to the angel’s feet, practically sitting on the toes of his shoes. Cas looked down with a fond smile and sighed. He reached down with delicate hands and one by one placed them in his lap.

Dean kept staring until a piece of bacon fell out of his burrito and onto his plate. He looked down and picked it up, tossing it in his mouth with the rest of his food.

“Good morning, Dean,” Cas hummed, reaching out and sipping the cup of coffee Dean always left out for him. Dean watched as the angel stared at him with calm blue eyes, as if there weren’t several small birds currently snuggled in his lap.

“Mornin’ momma bird,” Dean mumbled around a mouthful of burrito. Cas’s lip curled slightly at the nickname. It had become morning routine to see how many bird related names Dean could give him with over the past two weeks. And so far, the most popular ones had become “ What’s up, McDuck ?”, “How you doin’ Daffy doo?”,  and “Hey Rubber Duckie.” All of which made Cas smile and Sam shake his head in shame.

The ducks had grown slightly bigger, but not by much. They still had their fluffy down feathers and could all fit in the palms of the angel’s hands — which they did often. Cas would never let the ducklings out of his sight for less than a second, almost constantly having them either nesting in his hands or a few inches from him.

Castiel had also conveniently placed bowls of water around various parts of the bunker, “So they don’t have to wander too much,” Cas said, “They might get lost.”

“I don’t think that’s possible with you mother henning them,” Dean had hissed in annoyance, when he’d accidentally stumbled into one of the bowls and splattered water across the bunker floor. But Cas had been sure to warn them of the location of these bowls after that, and had made them bright, obnoxious colors, much to Dean’s disgust. But it was better than tripping into them whenever he went to the kitchen for a midnight snack.

Food for the ducklings was a different issue. Dean insisted he wouldn’t help with the ducks — Cas had brought them in, so Cas had to take care of them — but he wasn’t so cold hearted as to say no to helping Cas shop for some food. Cas had spent a whole day googling all that one could possibly want to know about ducks. He had had a particularly extensive read through all entries on “how to raise a duck”. Dean swore he nearly got through half of the almost sixteen thousand search results before finally deciding he was thoroughly educated on the particulars of momma duckhood.

The next day they hopped in the impala (Cas disappointed that Dean wouldn’t let him bring the ducklings this time) and headed off for the nearest pet store. It was not as boring as Dean thought it would be. Watching Cas walk around with a shopping cart, brow wrinkled in concentration and scrutinizing every ingredient in the bird feed was not adorable. Cas also managed to pet every single dog they came across, though more like they all jumped on him like he was the center of their entire universe. Dean wondered if that was an angel thing or just a Cas thing.

Either way, it didn’t stop Dean from sneezing profusely when they passed the cat section,  Cas jumping in alarm when he did. Dean didn’t like that part much, though he nearly snorted when he saw the look on Cas’s face.

Now they were here, ducks humming contentedly as Cas stroked their soft feathers. The angel himself looked happy. Dean could imagine Cas’s own little wings puffing up like the ducklings’. It made him chuckle as he swallowed down the rest of his breakfast.

Dean got up to bring his plate over to the sink and grabbed Cas’s empty mug along the way. He sniffed and frowned as he sat down again, eyeing his friend. He sniffed again and Cas tilted his head and eyed him with a confused expression.

“Is something wrong Dean?” Cas asked, followed by a peep.

Dean glanced him over, observing his haggardness and, of course, the pile of ducks. “Dude, I know you’ve been busy with the little fluff balls over here, but can you at least shower?”

Cas’s frown deepened, “Dean, I know how to take care of myself.” He sounded a bit offended. “And that’s not me, that’s the ducks.”

“What? Really?” Dean stared down at the birds in Cas’s lap, “Stinky little ducks aren’t they?” Dean grinned at what he thought was a witty pun. Cas just gave him a blank stare, then looked down again.

“I actually meant to ask you today where I could bathe them,” Cas scratched one of the ducks under its bill, raising a happy quack. Dean hid his smile with a cough.

“Yeah, I mean there’s the tub or the sink in the bathroom — just don’t let them clog the sink with poop.”

“Dean, I’ve already given them a place to relieve themselves and told them that’s where they have to go.”

“They might not listen. Maybe they wanna piss me off and shit everywhere.”

“Arschhintern,” Cas sighed and shook his head, looking down at the ducklings, “Du würdest das niemals tun, oder?“ He glanced at Dean and back to the ducks, hiding a smirk.

“Dude, are you talking about me in German?” Dean narrowed his eyes as the angel simply faced him and raised an eyebrow.

“No, that was Enochian,” Cas looked at him confused, a spark in his eye.

“Dude, I know a little German — and that definitely sounds German,” Dean said suspiciously. Cas shrugged and started coaxing the ducklings back into his hands, standing once they were all comfortable. “Hey, don’t leave me hanging!” Dean waited as Cas turned and started walking towards the bathroom, blatantly ignoring him. “Cas! Hey!”

“I’ll be washing them, Dean. And I might need your help since I have never done it before myself. I don’t want them falling out of the sink.” Cas disappeared around the corner, leaving Dean alone in the kitchen. He huffed and pulled out his phone. A quick google search should do the trick.

“Arsch-hin-tern,” Dean muttered as he typed the word.

Meanwhile Cas was walking down the hall, a small smile on his face as he continued. He got all the way to the bathroom before he finally heard what he was waiting for.

“Heeeeey!!” Dean yelled from the kitchen. Cas just chuckled as he carefully turned the doorknob and shut the bathroom door.

_________________

The water sloshed around in the sink as the tiny ducklings paddled around happily, diving their heads under the water and showering the droplets unto their wings. Cas let them flap around, cheeping and bobbing up and down in the small bath, which was low enough that they could touch the bottom of the ceramic bowl. But the angel watched with vigilance, standing in front of them, waiting and watching in case one of them decided to hop out and fall onto the floor.

Dean sat on the toilet lid, resting his face in his hands with a frown, his lips puckered in a pout (he was not grumpy about earlier). “Why do I need to be here?” He sighed, “You seem to be handling them just fine.”

Cas shot him an annoyed look and huffed, “Because… They’re going to be here a while. You might as well learn to like them.”

Dean scoffed, “You think I’m gonna fall for the cute and adorableness? They’re here because you want ‘em to be.”

This time, Cas full on glared at him, “Because they would have died , Dean. I thought our job was to save lives.”

Oh, Cas was going to pull that card was he? “They’re ducks, Cas. We specialize in human preservation.” Not that Dean wanted the ducks gone, he just wanted the angel to understand that they couldn’t always do stuff like this.

“That doesn’t mean we have to limit ourselves to that…” Cas kept his gaze on the ducks, who were staring up at them as they spoke. “And you are wrong, you’ve saved more than just humans in the past. You’ve saved many creatures you once called monsters and animals. You’ve saved vampires, werewolves… me.”

Damn the angel for making him feel guilty. Dean dragged a hand over his face, “Okay, hey. All I’m saying is that this is a one time thing. No more pets, Cas. You know we can’t really do that.” Cas’s mouth drooped sadly as he let one of the ducks nibble at his fingertips.

Dean sighed again. Why did Cas have to look so sad? He opened mouth to speak again, but stuttered when Cas turned his gaze in his direction. There was no way Cas hadn’t learned that look from Sam, there was no other explanation for his wide blue puppy eyes. Obliviously he had upset his friend, and now he felt like an asshole.

Dean worried his lip as Cas’s brows rose even higher. It really annoyed Dean sometimes how much Castiel knew how to influence him. But finally, he gave in. He looked away before pushing himself up off the toilet. “Move over,” he muttered, shuffling in beside Cas to stand with him by the sink. Their elbows bumped as they squeezed in, Dean still refusing to look at Cas.

Instead he watched the ducklings, who seemed a bit startled by his closer presence. He stared at them for a while, and they stared back, tilting their heads as they gazed up at him. A twinge of a smile slipped onto his face as they made their way towards him. Dean outstretched his hand, letting it rest over the edge of the sink, into the water. The peeped quietly as they paddled forward, with their little webbed feet brushing the bottom. Dean moved his hand forward slowly, waiting for one to fully approach him. They hovered cautiously, until one particularly small one swam right up to him.

The duck sniffed at his hand, brushing over his knuckles and Dean could feel his smile widening. He turned his hand over, letting the duck waddle right into his palm, the tiny stick legs tickling his skin. A warm feeling sprang to life in his chest, warming him like hot chocolate on a cold day. He breathed a happy laugh as he raised a finger to stroke its wet feathers. “Hello there,” Dean smiled. The duck stared at him for a moment before letting out a loud peep . “Oh are you annoyed at me too now?”

“Peep!”

Dean could feel the happiness radiating off of Castiel. He glanced over to see the angel giving him the fondest look he’d ever seen. The blood rushed to Dean’s cheeks as he caught the angel’s gaze. He’d always found it strange how only Cas could look at him like that. He felt the heat in his face increase and looked back down. “You’re gonna be a loud one, aren’t you?” He said to the duck.

“Peep!”

Dean chuckled softly, and so did Cas, his gravely voice smoothed into sand with the warmth of the sound. When Dean could control the warmth constantly pooling behind his ribcage, he coughed and  looked up at Cas. “Um… so, have you named them yet?”

The angel’s brows pinched in thought, “I have thought about it. But I was unsure if you and Sam wanted to have a part in it as well.”

“Tell me,” Dean said, still cradling the duck in his hand, “What names have you got so far?”

“Well,” Cas raised a hand to stroke one of the ducklings, “This one is Parva; Latin for little because she is small and quiet.” Cas turned to point to the other ducklings, “She’s Clara, because she is always happy and bright ; and he’s Malum… because he has a particularly foul mouth.” The duckling, Malum, cheeped and Cas gave him an annoyed stare. “What have I told you about language?” The duck looked away and gave another quiet peep. Cas just shook his head, then looked back to Dean, “I thought you and Sam could name the other two.”

Dean looked down at the duckling in his hand, now sitting down and resting its head on the pad of his thumb. He felt a sudden protectiveness over the little thing. It was so small, so helpless. He — He wanted to take care of it. But he couldn’t admit that, not yet. Getting attached was never a good idea. They would grow up, and then he would have to let them go… it just wasn’t smart. But yet here he was, watching the small fluffball snooze in the palm of his hand.

He swallowed, and finally decided — fuck it, he was going to name this little guy and damn every doubt his brain was throwing at him. “Fluffball,” He said with confidence, smiling up at Cas.

Cas smiled back, the corners of his lips lifting and forming happy crinkles around his eyes. “How very original of you,” he teased.

“Hey, it’s a good name,” Dean declared, “I mean you mighta gone with personalities but, look at him — it is a him right?” Cas nodded. “He gets all fluffy when his feathers dry… and sleepy apparently.” The duck let out a soft snore, the bubbly sound barely audible above the other’s splashing and cheeping. The angel’s expression grew ever softer, the blue melting into velvet.

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas said.

Dean looked up in surprise, “For what?”

Cas let the soft smile form again, “For trying. I know I should be grateful, I’m sorry.”

Dean huffed, “No problem, Cas… besides, they’re kinda cute.” Cas’s smile widened. “I said kinda,” Dean smirked, “And I’m just being grumpy old me so get used to it.”

Another flurry of cheeps directed both of their attentions to the sink. The ducklings were trying to climb out, but ending up sliding back into the water. Cas reached for a towel, cradling it in one arm and picking the chicks up with the other. One by one he placed them in the bundle, letting them situate themselves and get comfortable. Once they had all settled he glanced at Fluffball in Dean’s palm. He calculated for a moment before humming decisively. Cas reached to open the door and stepped out into the hallway.

“Hey, wait. Aren’t you missin’ a chick?” Dean followed him as the angel kept walking, being careful not to disturb his duckling. Cas stared at him again, a spark in his eye.

“I trust you with him. And besides, he’s sleepy and the others seem quite energized right now. He’ll rest better with you.” Dean stared at him dumbly.

“Uh Cas, that’s probably not the best idea.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a horrible caretaker. I wouldn’t trust me with a pet.”

Cas frowned, “I would beg to disagree. You’ve shown yourself to be a great man and  friend — to me, and to Sam. You raised him by yourself. So, I’d say you’re actually the most qualified one here.”

Dean continued to stare, “But —”

“And —” Cas cut him off, “He likes you. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind spending time with you.”

Dean looked down at the duckling again, snuggled up in the cradle of his hands. He gently pet its head, and the snoring grew almost like a purr.

“See,” Cas said, “Just keep him warm and he’ll be just fine.” Then he gave one last nod and headed down the hall.

Dean stood, thrown for a loop as to what to do. His plan had been to take a quick nap before he got to researching. But would that be safe with a duck? He had a feeling it’d be okay, as long as he didn’t roll over. And he only had to keep it warm — how warm exactly?

Dean shook himself and walked towards his room. He opened and closed the door, looking at the bed and back down to his hand. The duckling was still sound asleep. He took a deep breath, “Okay little buddy, you’re gonna have to cooperate here.” He gingerly freed one of his hands and used it to pull his blanket up. He toed off his shoes before sliding under the covers, making sure to not disturb the duck.

He turned on his side so that his right (duck) hand laid across the bed. That should be fine. And the door was closed if the duckling decided to wake up and wonder. Dean tried to get as comfortable as possible without moving his hand, but his shoulder was starting to go numb. Eventually he gave up and closed his eyes.

They weren’t closed for long. A peep woke him and he blinked sleepily. He rubbed at his eyes and then realized all he could see in front of him was a brown blob. He blinked and leaned back to see that the duck was no longer in his hand, but in front of his face. The duckling blinked at Dean and Dean just stared at him confused. “What do you want bird?”

He just peeped. Dean shifted to lay on his back, arms crossed over each other. “Dude, you got your nap — you gonna let me have mine?”

“Peep!” Fluffball shook his little wings and to Dean’s surprise, jumped onto his chest. Dean looked down, nearly going crossed eyed as the duck waddled up to his face.

“Dude,” he muttered, slightly annoyed. The duck tilted his head. Dean waited for him to do something — and he did. The baby bird waddled even closer, walking in a circle before lying to sit right between the crook of Dean’s neck and shoulder. The soft down tickled his soft skin, the bird fidgeting around before finally settling down and tucking its head against his neck. That warm feeling was bubbling up again, seeping into him and screaming cute!

Nu-uh, Dean was not going to call it cute. And animal cuddling was not something he’d expect to ever happen to him.

Dean sighed, trying to crane his neck to look at him, but that just pressed the duckling more snuggling into the pillow beneath his head. “Alright, I get it. You’re a cuddler,” he huffed, “One time, that’s it.” Fluffball just cheeped softly.

Dean stared at the ceiling, a constant warmth at his neck, so soft it felt like cotton. Sleep began to fall over him again and the snoring of the duckling only made the feeling stronger. He let his eyes close, mumbling one last thing before he let sleep take him. “Sam will never know about this.”

~~~

(to be continued)

ate-wapakels69-deactivated20170  asked:

How would the Us bros react to their S/O being the embodiment of Misfortune? For an example, things falling down on nearby people and the such. Basically, their s/o is literally badluck.

Underswap 

Sans

“Sans! Are you okay?” you exclaim, rushing to his side, careful to not step on the broken vase beside him. 

“FEAR NOT DATEMATE! THE MAGNIFICENT SANS IS UNHARMED!” Blue brushes off the glass shards off his bones and gives you a bright smile in reassurance. 

You chuckle nervously and grab a broom to help him clean up the glass shards. Ever since you started dating the blue skeleton, his home has been wrecked so many times, including multiple lamps breaking, the water facet in the kitchen leaked, and his stove exploded.  Blue reassured you that exploding stoves were commonplace in his house, but you can’t help but feel a little guilty. Maybe it’s time for you to tell him. You don’t want him to get accidentally hurt one day. 

“Uhm, Sans I have something to tell you,” you run your fingers through your hair, anxious about his reaction. You actually care about this relationship, it’ll hurt a lot if this falls apart because of your, uh, curse. 

“WHAT IS IT DATEMATE?!” Blue looks at you innocently, shooting arrows through your heart. 

You must protect this precious bean at all costs. 

“Okay, so you know how weird things have been happening since we started going out?” you ask. 

“WEIRD THINGS LIKE HOW MY SOUL FLUTTERS WHENEVER I’M AROUND YOU?” his blue eyes turns into yellow stars, anime sparkles twinkling beside him. 

Your entire body freezes, your heart clenching like strings wrapping around it, almost ready to burst with cuteness. You have to restrain yourself from screaming into a pillow because your boyfriend is illegally cute. Calming yourself down internally, you explain yourself. 

“No, I mean like, the items in your house breaking, or maybe when we go outside, bad things just happen? It’s because of me. I’m bad luck,” 

Blue tilts his head in confusion, “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT DATEMATE?”

You try to explain again, but he cuts you off. 

“HOW CAN YOU BE BAD LUCK WHEN YOU MAKE ME THE LUCKIEST SKELETON ALIVE?” Blue takes your hands and pulls you down for a skelekiss on the lips, “YOU MAKE ME HAPPY AND I MAKE YOU HAPPY, SO ISN’T THAT ALL THAT MATTERS?” 

Your heart drums loudly and sporadically, a tear of happiness falling down your cheeks. The skeleton looks at you in concern, but you wipe it away, and pull him into a deeper kiss. With him around, everything is going to be alright. 

Papyrus

Stretch laughs wholeheartedly, his entire body shaking in laughter, but seeing your serious expression, he stops, “Wait, you’re not joking? You really think you’re cursed?” 

“I don’t think, so, I know so!” you huff in frustration, “Look at what’s happened since we started dating. You hit your head, your brother fractured his arm during training, and your neighbor’s dog died!” 

Stretch chuckles, amused by your frustration, “Sweetheart, I’m tall and clumsy. I hit my head multiple times a day. Sans always gets an injury when he’s training, that’s how he heals faster. And the neighbor’s dog was like 15 years old. She was going to die soon anyway.” 

You pout, annoyed that he doesn’t believe you. 

“Awh come on, don’t give me that face,” Stretch smirks, “How about we just go outside today okay? Get your mind off of this whole thing?”

“Fine. But if you get killed by a duck, then don’t say I didn’t warn you,” you grab your coat and together, you and your boyfriend find yourselves in a nearby park. 

The endless blue sky looms above you, the green trees rustling in the breeze, and the children playing tag in the background. It’s truly a beautiful day. You notice something falling down the sky, aiming directly at the skeleton, so you react instantly, pushing him away, the bird poop splattering on the ground instead of his head. 

“What did I tell you? Bad luck,” you cross your arms, hoping that he will believe you now. 

Stretch just winks, completely unfazed, “Good luck because you were there to push me out of the way.” 

You stare at him confused, but you keep walking anyway. As you enjoy the breath of fresh air, you notice something in the corner of your vision. On a large tree, you spot a cracking branch, bouncing in the wind until it snaps off the tree, falling straight for a child below it. 

“Kid look out!” you shout. 

Before the branch could collapse on the child, Stretch wraps his magic around it and toss it in another direction, saving the kid from injury. 

He turns to you smugly, “Man, if you haven’t warned me, that kid would’ve been seriously hurt.” 

“It’s because of me that branch fell!” you cry, guilt consuming you, “Stop trying to make me feel better!” 

“Hey, I’m just-”

“Excuse us!” some joggers exclaim, accidentally bumping into your boyfriend, pushing him forward until his teeth met your lips. 

You stumble back in surprise, pulling him down with you until your bodies are intertwined, your faces only mere inches from each other. Your face heats up in a furious blush and so does your boyfriend’s when you both realized that you just had your first kiss. 

“Guess you are bad luck. You made me fall for you,” Stretch chuckles. 

“Papyrus!” 

ASMR (2/2)

Description: Dan starts talking to Phil and they agree to meet up at Phil’s home in Manchester.

Tags: Bottom!Phil; Top!Dan; Riding; Frottage

A/N: *You don’t have to read the parts in order!!*

I - II


Phil nods absently and turns towards the dresser again before dropping his towel.

Fuck, fuck.

I choke down a gasp of surprise while Phil pulls a plaid shirt on.

His skin almost glows in his pale demeanor and his ass is perfect, something I can’t help think about having bent over the nearest object.


Keep reading

track list for upcoming album

POOP TIME
HAND BAGS
BASKETBALL FOR FUCKERS PT 1
U CANT B COLLEGE EDUCATED BC U EAT DOO DOO
POOP STORE
I GO 2 THA FUCK STORE AND GET POO POO LUNCH
FUCK YOU
IM GAY
BITCH
DONALD TRUMP (IM GONNA FUCKING DIE)
FAMILY GUY FUCK FACE
SHIT DUCK
SHIT DICK
YOU SUCK FOREVER
FUCK TRUCK
MY MOM
BUMPER BOY
eat doo doo does not make u smart
A BASKETBALL GAME
FUCK (MCDONALDZ BREAKFAST)
FUCK (BARAK OBABA(
PREZIDENT DONALDE
FUCK
SHIT
SHSJANSHSHHAAJSIEISNjajjsdndn
college poop eat
college is bad facts
facts why u should not go to college
high school tobo
U CAN NOT DIZCOVER ME
ITZ TIME TO PLAY BAZKETBALL
why isn’t it called black lobster pt. 13
RED LOVSTER SELLING BAD ICED TEA IT MIGHT BE POISONED
FUCK BLIZZARD BELL SPENCER
i am not a raceist plz stop calling me that
ANDREW is sucks
bitch
walter white badass
overwatch why is is a lebian
donald
mickey mouse donald duck it might be president
mickey mouse disney president maybe?
him name is donald

Impractical Jokers Themed RP Starters
  • “There was a girl in here earlier. She was so saxy”
  • “I need to apologize. I did a peeps in your shower. Just kidding. It was a poops that I did. In your shower”
  • “I hate getting a dead fish handshake, but I love giving them”
  • “When I was a kid my dad used to beat me at tictactoe with his belt”
  • “We play a game called Guess who’s dead. It’s sort of like Duck Duck Goose meets Simon Says”
  • “I should’ve never mentally dressed you with my eyes. And I’m sorry about that"
  • “Her body looks like a trash bag filled with mango pulp. But like a hot version of that if you can imagine it”
  • “Waffles… I likes thems shits”
  • “Would you buy a baby on the black market IF the price was fair?”
  • “Before you start to blow, let dem titays go”
  • “1975 called… That’s it. They just called”
  • “Did your neck just get out of the shower?”
  • “The man at midnight flies with the the eagle”
  • “I’m good at 2 things: taking craps and taking naps. Already did one of those today"
  • “If Ray Ray come lookin’ ‘round these parts, you don’t go droppin’ a dime. Do yous?”
  • “These days I just pimp out deez nuts”
  • “Did Santiago send you?”
  • “I wanna see which nipple is more sensitive.”
  • “SHUT YOUR FACE, GRANDMA”
  • “Why do bitches be trippin’?”
  • “How wasted would you have to be to hit this?”
  • “THOSE ARE MY FAVORITE PANTS.”
  • “Little girl, I will not hesitate to punch you.”
  • “You’re a sexy little fella.”
  • “Put the mop down, my man!”
2p reaction to a baby duck sitting on there foot

Jason J, Jones/ 2p America: “…quack” *duck quacks back* “quack” *duck quacks back* and this will goes on for the next ten minutes.

James Williams/ 2p Canada: *Is used to things like this happening to him*

Louis Boneyfoy/ 2p France: *Lightly pushes duck off and duck just goes back on his foot and he just lets it happen* 

Oliver Kirkland/ 2p England: “OH hello there little thing are you lost…well i have a duck pond in my back yard so looks liek you will come home with me :)” *mama duck attacks his head*

Sergei Braninsky/ 2p Russia: “…uhhhhh” *feeds them sun flower seeds and gose back to reading* 

Yang Wang / 2p china: *le gasp* SOOO CUTE PICTURE TIME!!!”

Siegfried Beilschmidt./ 2p Germany: *takes a picture*

Luciano Vargas/ 2p Italy: “I kinda of want duck soup right now…no not you”

Flavio Vargas/ 2p Romano: “Please don’t poop on my shoes, please don’t poop on my shoes, please don’t poop on my shoes” 

Klaus Beilschmidt./ 2p Prussia: “Gilbird h-how many times have i told you i a-am not G-Gilbert….sighs, Ok have a nice n-nap”

Kuro Honda/ 2p Japan: “you having fun there, on my shoe”

Ryszard Edelstein/ 2p Austria: *tries to pat it head but the duck ran away before he could* “well rude”

Santiago Fernández Carriedo/ 2p Spain: *puts it in his shirt pocket and keeps it as a pet* 

Anastasia Braninsky/ 2p Belarus: “Oh god that is so cute!”

Maryska Braninsky/2p Ukraine: “…how is life duckling” 

You know, I thought that their panel couldn’t get any cuter, especially after the inside jokes and licking the table and basically telling each other, “You smell good.” But oh, how wrong I was. They just defied all expectations.

Misha talked about a dream he had a few nights ago, in which Maison had a ‘poop explosion’ and just would not let him clean her up properly. By the end, there was poop all over their house but “the amazing part” was that he woke up thinking, ‘Oh. I miss her.’

Then Jensen goes, “He did. He shared that with me.” Except he said “He shared me with that” first and got flustered as he corrected himself, while Misha just ducked his head like it was the most adorable thing in the world.

Now all I can think about (besides Misha missing his kids, which… please toss me back in the trash) is Misha getting up in the morning and being all, “Jensen, I had the weirdest/funniest/strangest dream.” And then Jensen might smile and say, “Yeah? Tell me what happened, Mish.” So Misha does, all squinty with his dark, messy bed head, after which they look at pictures of their families and watch a few cat videos before going to breakfast.

Ok, so I was re-watching the new video and thought I'd write some phrases down
  • Phil: And you are my pikachu
  • Dan: Threesome with Professor Oak
  • Phil (to Professor Willow): What a nerd!
  • Dan: That guy is pretty swaggy
  • Phil: He looks like me, basically
  • Dan: I could dress like him if I find some things ( is that a promise, Dan?)
  • Dan: It matches the backstraps! That.. Phil, you know how to fashion. Go you.
  • Dan: Phil, you missed! Oh my God, you pleb!
  • Dan: I'd let you catch me, Willow.
  • Phil: Oh, Willow! No need to flirt with me.
  • Dan (about someone taking AmazingPhil): I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna break your legs.
  • Dan: Anything you say, Willow *wink* (ONLY HERE I'M ON MINUTE 6:47)
  • Dan: Don't put the camera under my crotch!
  • Phil: I'm just saying!
  • *interacting w/a duck*
  • Phil: Climb in my pokeball!!
  • Dan: Get away from my shoes! What's your problem?
  • Dan (trying to touch Phil's screen): Poop! *misses* You do it.
  • Phil: Poop!
  • Phil (writing a name): TrafficHazar... you can't fit the D
  • A boy they ran into: I know who you are!
  • Dan: You know who I am? (his voice is super different when he's talking to kids, WHY?)
  • Dan (talking to a bird): Hands off Phil's Magikarp, you bugger (is that what he says?)
  • Dan: Have a potion, child!
  • Phil: I love wearing shorts!
  • Dan: Oh my God, you... Phil, you are amazing at this game.
  • Dan: You're keeping the world safe, Phil.
  • Dan: No, no, no, no, Phil. There's geese! There's geese! There's geese! Holly.. What a brave man!! Oh my God, Edge Lord!
  • Dan: Let's pop those sweet bubs
  • Phil: Oh my God! Dan and Phil are actually going in the right direction!
  • Dan: Be strong, Clarence. Be strong for mother.
  • Phil: You can be my eyes, Dan, and I'll just look at the phone.
  • Dan (literally the next millisecond): Phil, there's a lamp post, like literally right there. Ok, that actually happened.
  • Phil: That just happened.
  • Phil: Hey, Dan.
  • Dan: mmhm? (idk why I just find it so cute because Dan was just walking, minding his own bussiness and his reaction is so normal/not video-like).
  • Dan: A cheeky frap to fuel us on.
  • Dan: Thanks, Sherly... and Mrs. Hudson.
  • Phil: Stop calling him 'Sherly'.
  • Dan: There you go. In your Johnlock Pokémon!au's. He has a Rattata, cause those are the Baker Street Pokémon. Now you know.
  • Phil: Are you gonna keep wearing that outfit for the next video?
  • Dan: Phil, I'm going to add to this outfit for the next video, ok? I'm gonna buy a black visor, I'm gonna buy coloured shoes (!!!!!). I'm taking this seriously.
  • Phil: I can tell.
  • Phil: That's the first time I've seen a swan in about six months.
  • Phil: We've got more than six Pokémon.
  • Dan (clapping, voice high pitched): That is good, Phil. I'm proud of you. That is a good first day.
The Sass is Back (The Sword of Summer Chapter Title Masterpost)

1. Good Morning! You’re Going to Die
2. The Man with the Metal Bra
3. Don’t Accept Rides from Strange Relatives
4. Seriously, the Dude Cannot Drive
5. I’ve Always Wanted to Destroy a Bridge
6. Make Way for Ducklings, or They Will Smack You Upside the Head
7. You Look Great Without a Nose, Really
8. Mind the Gap, and Also the Hairy Guy with the Ax
9. You Totally Want the Minibar Key
10. My Room Does Not Suck
11. Pleased to Meet You. I Will Now Crush Your Windpipe
12. At Least I’m Not on Goat-Chasing Duty
13. Phil the Potato Meets His Doom
14. Four Million Channels and There’s Still Nothing On Except Valkyrie Vision
15. My Blooper Video Goes Viral
16. Norns. Why Did It Have to Be Norns?
17. I Did Not Ask for Biceps
18. I Do Mighty Combat with Eggs
19. Do Not Call Me Beantown. Like, Ever
20. Come to the Dark Side. We Have Pop-Tarts
21. Gunilla Gets Blowtorched and It’s Not Funny. Okay, It’s a Little Bit Funny
22. My Friends Fall Out of a Tree
23. I Recycle Myself
24. You Had One Job
25. My Funeral Director Dresses Me Funny
26. Hey, I Know You’re Dead, But Call Me Maybe
27. Let’s Play Frisbee with Bladed Weapons!
28. Talk to the Face, ’Cause That’s Pretty Much All He’s Got
29. We Are Falafel-Jacked by an Eagle
30. An Apple a Day Will Get You Killed
31. Go Smelly or Go Home
32. My Years of Playing Bassmasters 2000 Really Pay Off
33. Sam’s Brother Wakes Up Kinda Cranky
34. My Sword Almost Ends Up on eBay
35. Thou Shalt Not Poop on the Head of Art
36. Duck!
37. I Am Trash-Talked by a Squirrel
38. I Break Down in a Volkswagen
39. Freya Is Pretty! She Has Cats!
40. My Friend Evolved from a—Nope. I Can’t Say It
41. Blitz Makes a Bad Deal
42. We Have a Pre-decapitation Party, with Egg Rolls
43. Let the Crafting of Decorative Metal Waterfowl Begin
44. Junior Wins a Bag of Tears
45. I Get to Know Jack
46. Aboard the Good Ship Toenail
47. I Psychoanalyze a Goat
48. Hearthstone Passes Out Even More than Jason Grace (Though I Have No Idea Who That Is)
49. Well, There’s Your Problem. You’ve Got a Sword Up Your Nose
50. No Spoilers. Thor Is Way Behind on His Shows
51. We Have the Talk-About-Turning-Into-Horseflies Chat
52. I Got the Horse Right Here. His Name Is Stanley
53. How to Kill Giants Politely
54. Why You Should Not Use a Steak Knife as a Diving Board
55. I’m Carried into Battle by the First Dwarven Airborne Division
56. Never Ask a Dwarf to “Go Long”
57. Sam Hits the EJECT Button
58. What the Hel?
59. The Terror That Is Middle School
60. A Lovely Homicidal Sunset Cruise
61. Heather Is My New Least Favorite Flower
62. The Small Bad Wolf
63. I Hate Signing My Own Death Warrant
64. Whose Idea Was It to Make This Wolf Un-killable?
65. I Hate This Part
66. Sacrifices
67. One More, for a Friend
68. Don’t Be a No-bro, Bro
69. Oh…So That’s Who Fenris Smelled in Chapter Sixty-Three
70. We Are Subjected to the PowerPoint of Doom
71. We Burn a Swan Boat, Which I’m Pretty Sure Is Illegal
72. I Lose a Bet

6

Hey you poops I’m finally done being a potato and resting off my Otakon adventure so here’s some lame pics!!!

1st: Linecon 2k14 (okay so not really this is Friday but believe me I heard the mythical tales of the nightmare that was Thursday…i am a lucky duck)

2nd: Me cosplaying a literal meme. People asked me for sO many photos Friday..,,,..

3rd: The Dream Team of 3 greed-lers (L to R Alex, Tessa/Rorakkusu, me). We got stopped for so many photos we didn’t make it to aNY PANELS;;; how bad WE b e…………….

4th: Us onceler buddies trying to capture the majestic mating ritual known as glovecest

5th: swag swag swag swag swag swag swag swag

6th: The Sticky Lump Bunch slaying once again (dOdONT ask questions)

Basically we were a gang of three hella oncelers walking around the con in single file with Alex at the front playing How Bad Can I Be on his literal movie-accurate electric guitar with mini-amp (yeah), me following holding the “How bad me be?” sign, and Tessa in the back probably snapping intimidatingly like a greaser in a musical. You done come to the wrong valley, Mustache.

things my friends have said to me, without context
  • A compilation of strange things my friends have said to me, without the context of the conversation. Have fun with this.
  • **Warning!! Some starters may suggest nsfw themes**
  • ◉ "I can't hear you, I'm too busy playing with dogs."
  • ◉ "This is really confusing and we're off to a real bad start."
  • ◉ "Do me a huge favor? Hold my sandwich."
  • ◉ "I have a huge picture!! ...Problem. I have a huge PROBLEM."
  • ◉ "I love your spicy nugget."
  • ◉ "I SHAT MY PANTS FOR YOU."
  • ◉ "Apparently God can turn that shit on."
  • ◉ "I wish he was dead, but I still ship it."
  • ◉ "He looks like a foot."
  • ◉ "I live, therefore I must pee."
  • ◉ "These are the worst pancakes I've ever made. What the fuck happened?"
  • ◉ "Get that fake bird out of your hair before I shoot it off your head."
  • ◉ [walks in wearing a kilt] "Don't I look pretty?"
  • ◉ "Fuck you, I'm gonna test out this waffle maker."
  • ◉ [walks outside without pants] "IT'S COLD AS FUCK OUTSIDE."
  • ◉ "It's a freakin' ass cold!"
  • ◉ "Do you remember when I told you about that dream I had? Where Ryan Reynolds was gay for me?"
  • ◉ "I'm not straight, but I'd totally bang Neil Patrick Harris."
  • ◉ "WADDUP HO YOU WANNA GO SEE (insert movie here) FOR THE SEVENTH TIME?"
  • ◉ "WHAT? COOL DUDE."
  • ◉ "He's a creepy duck. He's kinda vicious."
  • ◉ "I don't wanna, but I will to prove a point."
  • ◉ "___, go take a poop."
  • ◉ "Why is Mom a slut?"
  • ◉ "What did ___ get mad about this time?"
  • ◉ "HELLO? POLICE? ARREST THESE HOES."
  • ◉ "I didn't study for my midterm because ___'s face is really fucking distracting."
  • ◉ "I love you in the least heterosexual way."
  • ◉ "Next person to say 'Fuck you' throws away the trash."
  • ◉ "Shit. Where did my dick go?"
  • ◉ "That really tickles my pickle."
  • ◉ "I can't believe 'fondue' is a sexual term as well as a tasty edible thing."
  • ◉ "Can I use fondue while I fondue?"
  • ◉ "I had to stuff mini marshmallows in my ears because the fire alarm went off for twenty fucking minutes."
  • ◉ "I don't know what happened to my roommate. She hasn't come back for like three days."
  • ◉ "Please no I don't think I can watch another crack edit video."
  • ◉ "Wait, I muted the group chat, what happened?"
  • ◉ "FUCK THE CAFETERIA FOOD. WHO WANTS PAPA JOHN'S?"
  • ◉ "I'm getting takeout from Buffalo Wild Wings and NO ONE ELSE BUT ___ CAN COME WITH ME."
  • ◉ "Can you PLEASE tell ___ to stop being a fucking slut?"
  • ◉ "The police are coming for you."
  • ◉ "Well, to quote AWOLNation; ......RUN."
  • ◉ "Shut the fuck up, I'm trying to tell this guy I just met about Captain America."
  • ◉ "What's next on ___ Live? Whatever the fuck this shit is."
  • ◉ "I ATE SONIC TWICE."
  • ◉ "DON'T CALL ME A BUTTFUCK, YOU BUTTFUCK."
  • ◉ "My sociology professor flipped us off today. He said he felt like it."
  • ◉ "I can't believe ___ said they'd fuck their math professor for ten bucks and a Klondike bar."
  • ◉ "Well *I* can't believe they called their dick a KlonDICK bar."
  • ◉ "WELL **I** can't believe the cafeteria doesn't sell Klondike bars."
  • ◉ "The fuck is a 'happy ending'? I only read angsty fanfics."
Expected - an Olicity proposal fic

Hi guys, running off to work now, but it’s been hard not to be inspired by the latest spoilers of a certain someone working on a certain proposal to a certain brilliant young woman. 

So, I know there are going to be a wealth of killer fics out there, and I’ve just written this in about ½ hr, so it’s nothing special, but I just wanted to have a little fun. 

This fic kind of follows on from my other Olicity fic, “Unexpected”, in as much as it has duckling Barry in it. If you haven’t read Unexpected, Barry is a duckling that Olicity adopted during their travels. There, you’re all caught up. 

I’ve titled the fic as a little wink and a nod to the previous story, and because, well, this was totally expected, hey, jbuffyangel. ;) 

I may or may not do a follow up. We’ll see if anyone is interested, but this is how I picture the run up to Oliver asking Felicity to marry him… because that is how my brain works… 

EXPECTED

Oliver felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and he stopped walking, pulling it out and giving a half-smile at seeing who it was. “Hey.” 

“Hey,” responded Diggle. “Just ringing to check in where we’re at with the mission.” 

Over the last couple of months he and Diggle had been slowly repairing their relationship. Ever since Oliver had flown out to see him, and then Diggle had sent him that video of Sara walking by way of an olive branch. Having Diggle back in his life was the final color in the happiness rainbow Oliver was currently living under. Oliver continued walking down the street, keeping up with the flow of people around him. “It’s going well. I’m just picking up the ring now.” He stopped in front of the jewelers and looked through the window. 

There was a pause on the other end of the phone. “I thought you’d already picked up the ring?” 

Oliver grimaced. “I did. There was an… incident.” 

“An incident?” 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” 

Keep reading

“–So I’m workin’ with the Fixer in St. Louis an' Captain America tries to stop us! He throws his shield at me an’ I duck– Splits apart this gas canister, filled with what–? Yeah, that’s right, a diarrheic agent – you know what that is, don'tcha? Well, you haven’t lived until you’ve seen Cap leave the scene of a fight ‘cause he’s gotta– and I do mean gotta – find a men’s room…”

–Wade Wilson, Cable and Deadpool #18

Living With the Avatar: Chapter 1

I don’t know how it happened but one second I was asking my best friend for detail advice and the next I got a body of text with a description of a sink. 

AO3

“Stop sulking. Whining has never gotten you anywhere and it wont start now.” The eldest of the air-kids said as calmly as possible. She was sitting on a twin sized bed carefully undoing her hair bun. 

Ikki’s bottom lip protruded in a pout, “We haven’t shared a room in years much less a bed! Not to mention that you have the worst kind of morning breath, and that’s saying a lot since Meelo doesn’t bother brushing his teeth anymore!” 

Jinora breathed in as much air as her lungs could hold before exhaling slowly, “Korra is back now, she needs her room again. Besides, Meelo and Rohan are also sharing a room so why can’t we?”

“Well, because… because you have a boyfriend now. Do you know how scarred I’d be if I were to accidentally come into the room one day.”

“Kai isn’t allowed in my room, anyway.”

“What if you snore?”

“I don’t snore.”

“What if you turn into some spirit thing and try to choke me in my sleep.”

“Ikki.”

“What if one night you have too much egg custard tart and you keep me up with your farting!”

“Ikki!” Tenzin’s voice came from the door. “I must apologize I thought I had taught my children better than this.” 

The Avatar appeared from behind his large figure, “It’s alright, they probably got used to not sharing a room while I was gone.”

“I’m going to help the White Lotus bring in a bed for Ikki. Your room should be ready by tonight, Korra,” Tenzin took a moment to place a reassuring hand on her shoulder before leaving the room.

Ikki turned to Jinora, her mind loaded with possible insults. 

“Don’t even think about it.”

“Korra!” Pema called out from the kitchen, “Asami is leaving now, come say goodbye.”

She was more than relieved for an excuse to leave the young air-benders alone. From what she could see as she retreated Ikki was about to either play music on a phonograph or smash it against Jinora’s head. 

The two women in the kitchen spoke quietly. Pema chuckled at what Asami said not realizing that the tea cup she had placed in the clean section was still dirty. 

It didn’t take long for her presence to be known, the engineer’s eyes had met her own within seconds. 

“Hey, I wanted to see you before I left.” 

“Oh. Are you heading back home?”

“No, at least not that home. I have an apartment back in the city.”

“So much has changed since I left and I feel like I’ve been getting spoon fed all this new information.” 

“You know what needs changing? Rohan’s diaper.” Pena said, already walking toward one of the rooms. “I swear if by the end of this year he’s not potty trained I’m going to have an aneurysm.”

After a wave of laughter Korra hesitantly observed the woman before her, “So why an apartment? Isn’t it a bit lonely? At least back at the mansion you had the staff.”

Asami diverted her eyes, “I would have been lonely anyway. The mansion is too big, too many memories.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“I needed to get away from it is all.”

A blast of wind surged through them, followed by a piercing cry.

“IKKI!” Jinora was engulfed in an advancing air bubble. “Give me back my records!”

The younger girl hovered around in her air-scooter, flinging the records in all directions. “Oooooooooh look at this one! It’s from Kai,” she cleared her throat, causing it to drop a few octaves lower. “Thinking of you. I hope these songs are enough to keep me with you while I’m away.”

Korra was sure a vein in the young air-master’s forehead was about burst. She glanced at Asami who had ducked behind the table, a disc missing her by the width of a hair. 

The sound of broken dishes hitting the floor was enough to alert Pema back into the kitchen with a baby Rohan in mid diaper change. 

“Girls! What do you think you’re doing!”

“Ikki is breaking all my records!”

Meelo, who everyone thought to be asleep, emerged from his room, “Woah! I didn’t know we were training inside today!” A twirl of a hand and bounce later let to another air-scooter dashing through the house. 

The once composed Pema now ran with a broom in hand, the diaper forgotten on the floor. 

She didn’t know when she started laughing but it caused everyone to stop what they were doing. They looked at her as if she had spawned another head. 

Asami stood from behind the table, her eyebrows coming together, “Korra, are you okay?”

“Am I okay? Hahahahaha! I didn’t know how much I missed this.”

“What is the meaning of this!” An angry looking Tenzin dropped the small bed he had been carrying, “Why are there broken dishes everywhere! Why is Rohan walking around naked! Meelo, I just wished you goodnight and kissed you on the forehead!”

It didn’t take long for the kids to dispose of the evidence of air-bending but the damage had been done. 

“It was Ikki! She won’t stop bugging me about my room. Why don’t we just let her sleep at the stables with the bison, I’m sure she’ll fit right in!”

Tenzin began to walk toward Ikki.

Never had a sound of squished poop ever caused a room to go completely silent. Pema brought a hand to her mouth, the distress in her eyes evident. 

Korra didn’t notice when Asami ducked behind the table again but it was probably too late for her to join anyway.

Tenzin’s face was now a shade of red that wasn’t humanly possible. He raised his right foot and examined it as the diaper traveled along with it. Everyone stared as the air-master re-adjusted his cloak and turned on his heel. The squishing sound following him into the bathroom.

“Kids,” Pema said. “If you all help clean up before your father comes back I promise to talk him out of punishments.”

Their downcast faces lit up immediately. They set to work within seconds: picking up the broken glass, gathering what was left of Jinora’s records, and even watering the plants. Pema had even managed to grab a streaking Rohan.

Korra and Asami were left alone again. 

“What was that all about?” the engineer asked.

“The girls aren’t very happy about sharing a room again.”

There was a pause. Korra could tell that Asami was thinking about something. 

“Do you maybe want to come stay with me?” The always confident business woman began to fidget with hem of her jacket. “I mean, only if you want to. It’s a small apartment but there’s enough room for the two of us. And I’m sure Tenzin wouldn’t give you a hard time about it since you’ll be nearby…and—”

Korra chuckled, “I’d love to.”

“Really?”

“Of course! It would certainly make the girls happy if they could have their own room.”

It didn’t take long to convince Tenzin. He was more than willing to allow Korra to stay with Asami as long as she came to him if there were any problems. Asami assured there wouldn’t be. Korra didn’t have much to take with her, her things were back at the Southern Water Tribe and she hadn’t had the time to have them delivered to Air Temple Island.

The ride to Asami’s apartment was full of chatter, as both girls recalled memories of their time in the Ba Sing Se. Korra admired how much Asami tried to keep her up to date with what had been happening while she was gone. She was glad to hear that the White Fall Wolfbats had won the pro-bending championship this year.

They reached a garage under one of the buildings facing Yue Bay. Once they were parked Asami lead them toward the elevator, which ascended up all the way to the top floor. 

Korra wasn’t surprised that Asami not only owned the luxurious penthouse, but the entire sixtieth floor. During their ascension in the bright elevator of opulent gold, rich, red, velvet carpeting, and scattered vintage light fixtures, the taller woman had rambled on about buying all twenty suites on the top floor and converting the area into one big, open space concept home. Small apartment for sure. Korra had tried not to gawk as Asami revealed that she’d sheepishly realized too late that she really didn’t need 20,000 square feet of space. 

Asami had laughed, thrown a delicate strand of brunette hair off her shoulder and declared, “So I just made a simple two bedroom apartment and keep the rest of the areas locked up as different storage units for new inventions and unstable experiments.”

When the elevator opened, Korra was greeted by another posh carpet and a set of twin wooden doors with engraved carvings of the Sato family symbol. Korra would have commented on that cocky detail, except Asami had already marched past her in the usual elegant stride, inserted a shiny key into the vintage padlock, and thrown the doors open inward as though revealing her superhero headquarters for the very first time. She kind of was actually…

This time, Korra’s jaw did drop. Even from here, she could see the Kyoshi Bridge perfectly through the wall-to-ceiling windows adorning the right wing of the apartment. She stepped closer, ignoring all furnishings for now. Her feet didn’t stop moving until her nose was practically touching the impeccable glass, eyes wide and drinking in the panoramic city view. The bay seemed to smile at her from below, as the stars reflected on the midnight blue water. She could see boats gently swaying with the waves, their multicolored sails weeping with the wind. She could see tourists and citizens alike, walking through the brightly-lit shopping district below. She could even see the occasional Republic City Police air blimp!

“Do you like it?”

“Asami, this is incredible!”

“Want me to show you around?”

“Definitely.” 

The suite was all space, glass and light. Asami had a minimalistic style that screamed explorer-always-on-the-move. Except for the inviting foyer, the living room, dinning room and kitchen all shared the same space. The wooden flooring had faded chips of amber.

The living room had a modern couch, love seat and two comfortable armchairs in a misty gray that seemed to sparkle under the spotlight lighting. A plush carpet slept below the centered coffee table that served as the main focus of the area. A strange, ingenious plant with pink petals was set at the top, accompanied by tiny electrical devices that had been forgotten during a hasty escape. There were several partially dismembered statutes made of stone in the corners of the room. They appeared to have been dug up from ancient archeological dig sites, and now served as mere display pieces in an insanely priced suite.

The kitchen had three contemporary, pendant lights above the island counter. The backslash behind the sink was a happy yellow that contrasted with the bright vases and plates on display below the translucent, overhead counters. Korra noticed that Asami had  all the appliances that Pema had been pestering Tenzin to buy. Behind the four stools next to the island counter was the dinning room, with its rustic table and six accompanying chairs.

“Cook much?”

“I don’t really have the time for it but since you’ll live here maybe it’ll get some use.”

“You got it! A home cooked meal for the working Sato.”

“Don’t be silly, I could always just swing by a restaurant and grab something to bring home.”

Home. That sounded odd yet it made her feel all warm inside. Sure, the Southern Water Tribe and Air Temple Island had always been her home but she had never felt as if they really were. They were her parents home or Tenzin’s family home. Not her home.

“Hey, don’t look so down. You can cook! I’m looking forward to it. I was only joking about the takeout.”

“Good. I can’t wait to show you my cooking skills.”

They continued their tour with Asami’s room. It was much simpler than Korra had predicted. There was a queen-sized bed with a caramel throw rug at the base. The nightstands at each side of the bed were hovering and fastened to the wall. A small vanity table to the left contained the girl’s designer make-up and perfumes. A standing mirror stood directly next to it, angled so that she could see her reflection from the modern reading chair next to the chrome floor lamp. The overall color palette was a mixture of brown and black. When Korra’s eyes found the dresser, she noticed a neat line of photographs. From one of the frames smiled Team Avatar in front of Asami’s old Sato-Mobile In another, Asami’s parents hugged a younger version of the brilliant inventor as she cuddled into their arms.

The bathroom was directly in-between the two bedrooms. It was spacious, had more than enough counter-space, and contained both a shower and a claw-foot bathtub.

Korra’s room was next. The walls were painted different shades of blue. Like Asami’s bedroom, it contained a queen-sized bed with hovering nightstands. But unlike Asami’s room, there was hardly any kind of decorative pieces, except for a Fire-Ferret poster on the far right wall. The room had black, built-in shelves, a sleek writing table next to the floor-to-ceiling window, and a fuzzy white carpet that petrified Korra – because if she dropped something on it, she would feel horribly guilty for at least a week.

“You get to decorate it if you want.” The engineer began. “We can also go get some sparring equipment later on.”

“It’s perfect. Though I should warn you, it wont remain this clean for long.”

Asami’s eyes began to close into angry slits.

“Alright… alright. Don’t go glaring at me. I promise to keep my room as clean as I can.”

The older woman made her way to the shelves. She tugged one of its drawers and pulled out a bundle of clothes, “these should fit I think. You’ve lost some weight but I can fix it if it’s too loose.”

“These are for me?”

Asami’s cheeks began to redden, “I figured you’d come visit sometime so I had clothe for you just in case.”

“I really don’t know how to thank you.”

“Just having you here is enough.”

Third grade bully

I once tried to bully a girl I disliked by walking in place, in the bathroom. 

I was eight years old and one of my biggest (irrational) fears was having an adult walk into the bathroom while I was pooping and asking what I was doing. I’m not sure why this thought plagued me every time I did my business, but it did. As a result, I conditioned myself to be the fastest pooper, ever.

Anyway, this girl I really didn’t like (I think her name was Megan) made fun of my cowgirl boots. This really ticked me off because I loved my cowgirl boots, loved them so much I wore them even after my socks started poking through the holes worn in near my big toe on each foot. I especially loved them because they had real heels that clicked like grown up shoes like when I walked. 

Megan walked into the bathroom one day while I was washing my hands. I looked down at my cowgirl boots and a sinister plan hatched in my prepubescent brain. After she disappeared into a stall, I tiptoed to the door and pretended to leave. In reality, I’d just ducked into the corner and began walking in place, slowly increasing the force of my footsteps to (in my mind) convincingly simulate an adult’s imminent arrival.

I cackled internally as I imagined how terrified she must be, hearing a grown up approaching while she sat frigid on her porcelain throne. Do I keep pooping? I imagined her wondering. How am I supposed to explain that I’m not done? 

I was still celebrating and walking in place when I noticed she was standing a few feet from me, staring, completely bewildered. The poor thing probably didn’t know how to ask the crazy girl in the corner to get the hell out of the corner so she could open the bathroom door and leave. I just stopped moving altogether and stared back at her for a few seconds before bolting out the door and running as fast as I could to my classroom, heels echoing down the concrete halls.

I never tried to bully anyone, ever again.