it was just an experiment

ppl: i love how u draw connor!!!!!!!
me, looking at my design for connor in disgust:

Honestly, I don’t even know why I expect one fandom to be any different than any other.

As “fanfic writer appreciation” day is winding down, I will note I got not one kudos, not one comment, not one ask (anon or otherwise), not one mention.

It was business as usual except in terms of likes and re-blogs (meaning a handful at best…and even that is only after a normal mid-day self re-blog) for any day I haven’t actively posted a new work.

I’ve literally had more concern for my health, after I’ve posted that I wasn’t feeling well earlier tonight.

Originally posted by silentcause

Originally posted by giphy

I just saw Vulpes again for the first time since last December and I honestly, genuinely feel like part of my soul has returned to my body

what bpd feels like
  • being alone in the dark
  • you don’t fit it anywhere. anywhere.
  • you don’t know anymore what your true identity is
  • every time you feel bad, it’s the worst you’ve ever been. there’s no hope.
  • every time you feel good, you don’t get why you ever felt bad. you can do anything.
  • you either speak too little or too much.
  • you’re either too impulsive and wild or too calm and boring.
  • whenever you say something, it always turns out wrong. you never know what’s the right thing to say.
  • if you love someone, you love like crazy. you’d literally die for them, and i’m not kidding.
  • if someone you care about and love says something that feels slightly off or doesn’t respond to your messages for a while, that’s it. they hate you. they never needed you. you’re trash and a waste of space.
  • when you hate someone, you hate hard. you split like crazy and afterwards hate yourself even more for it.
  • you feel like you’re always selfish and manipulative and talk about yourself too much.
  • you barely have control over your emotions. they hit you like a tsunami every time, leaving you drained.
  • you have impulses to self harm or do things that you know are blatantly stupid.
  • every day you want to die.
  • you’re pretty sure your friends are tired of you and your problems.
  • if you don’t let your anger out, it builds up in you and messes up your mind even more.
  • you have hard time making decisions.
  • you feel like you’re not worth shit because of the way you are.
  • you feel like everyone’s just lying to you because they don’t wanna be rude to you, but they all actually secretly hate you.
  • you don’t know yourself anymore. every day you have a different personality. 
  • you’re actually scared of yourself and what you might do.
  • you just want to love others and be loved, but it seems impossible.
  • you hate having bpd.
  • YOU HATE HAVING BPD.
The signs as I know them

Aries: a fiercely protective lover, continuing an argument when you know you’re wrong, passionate loyalty, pushing past your comfort zone, fights that turn into sex, standing outside in the rain and screaming. Freedom. impulsive behavior. Loud and intense. Home.

Taurus: comfort food. Staying in bed on a rainy day. Smart but stubborn. Quiet calculations. Staying up all night talking. Outer space. Lazy days.

Gemini: books and coffee. Friendship tattoos. Smart and resilient. Beautiful. Making friends wherever you go. Two types; either wildly successful and organized like Pinterest in real life or a chaotic mess. Prone to addiction. Living art.

Cancer: musically inclined. Long walks downtown. Deep intellectual talks that leave you feeling calm but exhausted. Ambition. Second chances.

Leo: Staying up too late and drinking too much. Laughing until you can’t breathe. Doing your makeup drunk. Irresponsible decisions that make for good stories. Platonic kissing. Being held when you’re sad. Loyal friendships. Loud and exciting. Not talking for months and picking up where you left off.

Virgo: White furniture. Homemade Halloween costumes and holiday crafts. Careful and calculated. Cleaning for fun. Alphabetized book cases. Never saying ‘I told you so’ even when you’re always right. Motherly. Nurturing.

Libra: memes. Vibrant and super friendly. Always smiling. Eager to please and doesn’t like to disappoint. Goal oriented, and unstoppable once they have an idea. Surprise parties. Pretending you aren’t in love when you are.


Scorpio: staying up all night watching horror movies. Secretive and endearing. Will hold a grudge forever. Cemetery dates. Rough sex. The sound of a thunderstorm outside of your window. Feeling warm in a cold room. Extreme emotional intelligence.


Sagittarius: wanderlust. Forgetting to text back for days at a time. Always somewhere far away; unreachable. Feeing alone in a crowded room. Getting stoned and cuddling in bed all day. Japanese art. Staying out past curfew. Singing like nobody’s around. Inconsistent and deeply conflicted. Anime. Saying we’d still be friends.


Capricorn: Pretending to not like people but being really lonely. Cold. Immaculate attention to detail. Ambitious and unyielding. I haven’t met that many Capricorns.

Aquarius: Talking about alchemy and aliens all night. Doing drugs because I felt sad and you’re a good friend. Listening to me cry about a boy you told me was bad for me. Feels a lot more than they pretend to. Fireball whiskey. Marijuana.

Pisces: Knowing things before you’re told. Crystals. Tarot cards. Your life is a wreck but you always know what to say to help others. Die hard loyalty. Organized mess. Daydreaming all day. Boxed wine. Drunken yoga. A warm hug and a feeling of security. Selfless love.

2

“stammi vicino”

every time I hear the stammi vicino melody, I start to cry actual tears which is why I refuse to download it on my phone

i just wanna be around people who always wanna experience life n get drunk on beaches n drive around until 4am with the windows down blasting music n sit in forests drinking tea & coffee out of travel mugs n lay under the stars in a fuck tonne of blankets no matter how cold it is bc the earth is BEAUTIFUL

2

widowmaker odette skin redesign with an actual tutu and tights

eta: i forgot to add that someone pointed out before that the tutu actually isn’t very viable since it would clip so much in the game, but the rest of the outfit stands i think (i’ll draw it properly later)

A Killer’s Past & his PTSD

Back again with another analysis; and boy oh boy did this chapter meet and go beyond my expectations. First, let me start off by saying finally. The elusive and highly coveted second floor was finally shown to us viewers - and it was surprisingly mundane (when you compare it to the countless theories we had of bodies being all over the place or weird mommy memorabilia.) The shock of the second floor aside, what really had me Sang-shook - and I think all of us - was Sangwoo’s reaction, because for a while, many of us had debated on whether Sangwoo could feel anything. 

I’d like to explore Sangwoo’s breakdown a little. But please note, all of this is purely speculative, and Koogi’s proven to throw even the most complex theories a curve ball. So let’s get started:

Three words, and a whole world of depth.
“Something’s not right.”

This sentence stuck out to me. This moment burned itself into my mind. Why?Because I feel this was the moment Sangwoo was thrown back into the past, and he no longer just saw Bum on the floor. He saw a familiar picture, a scene in which he’d played a crucial role and was left vulnerable. I feel like this moment was Koogi’s way of mirroring, through Sangwoo’s eyes, what happened to Sangwoo’s mother. 

And I know, it’s a stretch guys. I’m aware that we don’t know what happened. Sangwoo hasn’t told us if he killed his parents, or if something else went down, but I feel this was a hint. I just couldn’t shake the feeling. And I caught a couple of signs before this; the first being Sangwoo’s peculiar way of speaking after he sees Bum’s blood running across the floor. It’s as if he reverts back to a childish state, and I think it carries more depth then being simply in “shock.”

“Make it go back.”

“Let’s get you to bed.”

Sangwoo is not a stranger to blood or guts. He’s killed countless women. He’s tortured and humiliated Bum before, and before this scene he even grabbed his bat to finish Bum off because he was pissed. And that makes sense, after all. Bum did something he could not control, and we all know how much Sangwoo needs his control. He’s not an amateur when it comes to human anatomy. He’s seen Bum bleed. He’s made Bum bleed. Given how he bandages Bum up later, he knows that the way Bum cut himself won’t kill him. So I thought, why the hell would he freak out like this? Why would he waste time trying to push the blood back when he’s clearly been more productive before. 

Instead of taking Bum upstairs immediately to stop the bleeding, he wigs out. The switch is flipped. He cups his hands and brings them together in a futile, almost child like attempt to make Bum stop bleeding, and this really disturbed me.

Then there’s this moment, and it clicked. 

It clicked, because I’ve had this moment.

Without getting too personal, I suffer from PTSD.

I’ve been abused as a child, and I was raped as an adult. It’s something that I battle with everyday, and there were times in my life where something, something so small and seemingly insignificant triggered a memory inside of me that just had me frozen. Just paralyzed with fear.

This frame, right here, took me back to all the times I stared off into the distance during topics of sexual assault, topics of abuse, and for that instant I relived the trauma. And this moment right here is when I think Sangwoo suffers a PTSD related flashback, and relives a moment that’s parallel to his past, which is why he reverts to a childish state. 

Whether it makes you upset or not, the fact of the matter is Oh Sangwoo is victim. He’s a murderer. Yes. A sociopath. Probably. But that doesn’t make the trauma he’s been through any less important or relevant to the person he is today. And while a mental illness isn’t a justification for murder or any of his actions, I think it’s a player.

PTSD: Symptoms may include nightmares or flashbacks

Avoidance of situations that bring back the trauma

Agitation, irritability, hostility, hyper-vigilance, self-destructive behavior. Hyper reactivity to stimuli.

Whether Sangwoo killed his mother, and was reliving that moment, is purely speculative. Whether his father killed his mother is again, purely speculative. But the question he posed to Bum at the end, about whether ‘Bum didn’t love him anymore because he was just like his father… is specific, and definitely mimicking words his own mother told him before. Soon after, he flies into a rage and almost drowns Bum. Perhaps, in the past, after his mother told him he was like his father, Oh Sangwoo flew into a similar fit of rage and killed her on accident… and the scene in the kitchen with the blood is him reliving that moment of fear and regret? Who can say. 

But I’m excited for what’s to come, and I’m even more excited to hear all your theories and thoughts. Bum is definitely someone he can’t leave behind anymore, but whether he loves Bum beyond using him to stave off his nightmares is something I’m dubious about. We’re definitely getting some important information here, and I was impressed with how vividly Koogi captured Sangwoo’s muddled mental state.

This chapter is my favorite thus far, and I’m pumped for what Koogi has in store. Thanks for reading.