it was aching so much i love you so much


I’ve never read a book that treated its characters with more tenderness, generosity, and sympathy than Benjamin Sáenz’s Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe. Even when the characters don’t think they deserve it, especially when the characters don’t think they deserve it, the narrative holds out cupped hands full of love and patiently waits for them to take it. It makes my heart ache so much; it’s a book that genuinely makes me aspire to be a kinder person.


You will rise to the occasion. 

we never talk about the painful side of studying in the studyblr community

the part that leaves you at your desk at midnight with a raging headache. the part that leaves you pulling your hair out while trying to finish a topic. the part that leaves your mind aching from having to cram as much material into it. the part that leaves your heart hurting from all the pressure you’re putting on yourself. 

learning is a joy, i love it and i know how blessed i am to receive all these opportunities at such a young age. but god damn i am so exhausted. 






Cold Coffee

Young Sirius Black x Reader
 “if you do young sirius imagines, i would very much like to request a very sassy ravenclaw reader who is very cool and listens to muggle music and manages to still be the top of the class that sirius just drools over and is so in love with please “ by anon
Words: 2158
Notes: I loved writing this, also I thought Ed Sheeran’s song would fit so much on this and added a little bit to the plot, hope you enjoy it!

Originally posted by nellaey

Sirius went to the great hall with his head buzzing. The sound of conversation and laughs during breakfast making his head ache even more. James and Remus looked at him holding laughs, but his eyes looked at his friends like he could murder any of them if they said something. His bad mood getting bigger as long as his hangover makes him more awful.

He sat on the Gryffindor table and ate silently, his eyes focusing nowhere but his plate full of food. James had a smirk on his face, on last night party he had, finally, convinced Lily Evans to go out on a date with him. Remus was still holding his laugh due to Sirius’ state and Peter was very occupied eating his food like he never had ate in his life.

“I know you don’t want to hear it but…” Remus’ voice reached Sirius, he looked at his friend in an attempt to stop him of talking. It only increased his headache.

“Please, don’t.” His voice sounded crispy and raspy and his throat felt weak with him trying to talk.

“I told you not to drink that much.” James finished Moony’s sentence and the two of them laughed while Sirius placed his head into his hands and tried to feel better.

“Oh, look who’s here.” Y/N’s voice reached Sirius and, although he loved hearing your voice, he just wanted to be left alone. “Darling…” Your lips played with one of the nicknames he had given to you, almost tasting it. “You look awful.”

She’s like cold coffee in the morning
I’m drunk off last night’s whiskey and coke

“Thanks, Y/N. I know that. Why don’t you just leave your comments and go away?” He looked to your eyes, the sassiness he loved on you, making him annoyed.

“Someone’s so bitchy today. Are you on your PMS, darling?” You blinked her eyes like a sweet doll but her teasing words tasting like sore in his mouth.

“Why don’t you go back to your ravenclaw friends to babble how much smarter than me you are?” Remus and James looked very pleased by how the conversation was going, even Peter was paying attention now.

“Oh.” You put your hand into your chest, pretending to be hurt. “It’s not the fact that I am ravenclaw that makes me smarter than you. It’s, actually, you. And your stupid attitudes.” You licked your lips for a moment, your eyes shining with how he was getting involved on your teasing. “By the way, nice show last night.” You laughed, his friends accompanied with you, only to stop when they saw Sirius’ dead look. “Have a lovely day, darling.” You winked at him and went away.

“Can you believe her?” Sirius shouted to his friends while they were walking to his class.

“Yes but you love it and you love her.” Sirius looked at Remus like he went insane. “Don’t look at me like that, you love how she doesn’t care about anyone and how funny and teasing she is. Also, she is very beautiful.”

“And by beautiful, you mean hot.” James smirked and Remus rolled his eyes. “Ouch.” He sighed in pain after Sirius kicked his arm. “Don’t need that, mate, Y/N is all yours.”

They laughed and each one sat on their spot for the class to begin. Sirius might have slept through half of it and woke up with Peter’s patting on his shoulder, motioning him to wake up. He’s headache now was tolerable and he could kind of pay attention, but not that much. Until he heard your voice, answering correctly about something the teacher asked. He rolled his eyes while tried to cover his smile.

She’ll make me shiver without warning
And make me laugh as if I’m in on the joke

He could only thought about you and, each time he heard your voice speaking, he would shiver involuntary. The sound of it producing faster beats to his heart and goosebumps down his spine. When you laughed to something or over something someone had said, he would had to hold himself to not let him laugh with you, your laughter so attempting him to enjoy her.

The rest of the day was really fine to Sirius. Of course, moony and prongs would tease him constantly, principally, because of his little show over the hufflepuff’s party, his hangover and Y/N. He was feeling much better now and was walking through the castle when he heard a sob.

He stopped on his tracks and listened to know where the sound was coming off, he came closer to the door from where the sobs were heard. He put his ear on it, carefully, wanting to hear it better until the person who was inside of it, unlocked the door and he fell right in front of it, making the person let a small, but sad, laugh come out of its mouth. He stopped when he heard the sound, he knew it.

“What were you doing, Black?” Your voice was angry but there was a hint of sadness, making Sirius want to punch whoever did this to you.

“What happened?” He asked after getting himself up and looking carefully to your face. Your beautiful eyes were red, your eyelashes filled with tears that were rolling down to your pink cheeks.

“It’s none of your business, Sirius.” You tried to clean your face and walk away but he stopped you, put your body on his shoulder and headed with you to Gryffindor’s commom room. Your attempts to make him put yourself on the ground being useless.

“Now…” He spoke after leaving you on the couch of Gryffindor, the warmth of the fireplace invading both of you. “Can you please tell me what’s wrong?”

“There’s nothing wrong.” You looked to anywhere but his face, he kneeled in front of you and he let his hand stay on your knees.

“Do you want me to believe that you are fine after finding you crying late in the night? You can say that I’m dumb but I’m not.” He laughed and you looked angry at his eyes.

“Like you would care.” His features concerned, did you really think he didn’t care about you?

“I do, Y/N. I really do.” You searched for lies, playful tone or anything that showed he was just joking with you. But his eyes only showed you compassion, love and worry.

“I got an A on an exam…” He looked at you, his eyebrows showing he didn’t understand what was the matter. “It can be a normal and, actually, a pretty good grade to you, Black, but it’s not for me. I’m a bloody ravenclaw. My parents will kill me.” You started crying again and Sirius didn’t know what to do.

He sat behind you and, carefully, led your body to lay on his chest. His hands caressed your hair gently and, slowly, you felt the urge of crying going away. His touch being very pleasant and noticeable to you now that you were more calm.

“You are right, it’s normal to me.” He spoke to you, his voice seeming sweet for the first time. “But it’s not like you failed and, if you are not happy with it, make sure to get a better grade next time.” You looked at him and he smiled gently to you. “And you are going to and you know why? Because you’re a bloody ravenclaw!” He exclaimed happily, making you laugh shyly. “See? There it is the smile I love, sweetheart.”

“This one is new…” You spoke, talking about the new nickname he gave to you. “I enjoy this one.” He smiled and you let your head fall on his chest again, letting yourself provide of his warmth and loving touches one more time…

When Sirius woke up, there were sun light hitting his face and you were asleep on his arms. He smiled widely, never on his wildest dreams this could ever happen. He took you gently on his arms and took you to his dorm. The guys looked at him wondering what happened as he pulled your sleeping body on his bed.

“Long story. Tell you later, could you now leave?” The boys looked at each other and then nodded in agreement. “Oh, wait…”

I’ll wake with coffee in the morning
But she prefers two lumps of sugar and tea
Outside the day is up and calling
But I don’t have to be so, please go back to sleep

When your eyes opened, you were  in a dorm you never saw. You looked to your side and saw Sirius smiling at you. You thought for a second and remembered what happened last night and, shyly, smiled at him.

“Good morning, sweetheart.” He took a strand of your hair of your face and you felt your cheeks blush. Why was Sirius Black causing this to you? “Do you want some tea?”

“Good morning, Sirius.” You sat up while he handed you your tea. “With…”

“Two lumps of sugar.” He spoke at the same time as you and now was his time to blush.

“How do you know that?” You furrowed your eyebrows and took a sip of the tea he had just handed you

“I’m good observer.” He winked at you, while he took a sip of his black coffee. You smiled widely and couldn’t stop yourself from teasing.

“Does this mean that Sirius Black, the heartbreaker Sirius Black, observes this mortal ravenclaw?” You put your hand on your chest and made a surprise face, making him laugh.


“What a pleasure.”

“Not more than your presence.” You stopped laughing at his last phrase. Looking deep at his eyes who were now staring you too.

“What’s going on, Black? Why you were so nice and gentle with me tonight and why are you being cheesy and romantic now?”

“You don’t like it?”

“I didn’t say that!” You exclaimed and put your empty mug of tea on his bed table. “I just want to know what’s going on.”

“For someone that is so smart, you are very oblivious.” He laughed painfully.

Cause I love the way you wake me up
For goodness sake will my love not be enough?

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that I fancy you, Y/N. For a long time now.” He reached his hair while standing up and walking through the dorm.

“You do?” You asked, still in disbelief.

“Bloody hell, of course I do. Can you now just go away so I can feel the rejection for the only girl I really liked?”


“Please, Y/N.”


“Go away.”

“Sirius, can you please stop being a cry baby and shut up for two minutes?” You shouted while grabbed his wrist, making him look at you with shut eyes and mouth. “Great. Why do you think I would reject you?”

“Because you tease me, constantly and…”

“And I am the one oblivious? I thought it was pretty sure that this was the way we showed that we liked each other, you dork.” You smirked and he smiled, loving to see you so close and so beautiful.

Tell me if I know, tell me if I do
Tell me how to fall in love the way you want me to

“Do you mean it? Do you really like this? I mean, how we are with each other?” You rolled your eyes and moved closer to him.

“Of course I do, darling.” He laughed at the way you said darling and you smiled. “Could now ask me out or it’s going to take too much?”

“Y/N…” His voice spoke your name with such love and devotion that made your heart beat faster. “Sweetheart, would you go to Hogsmeade with me next week?” You put your finger on your cheek, pretending to be thinking.

“Well, I’m going to think on your case.” You moved closer and kissed his cheek. “See you on the great hall in five minutes, Black.”

He stood there for a minute, not understanding what was happening but decided to follow what you said. Sitting on the Gryffindor table, with the marauders all looking at him with questioning eyes. He searched for your face and stood frozen when he felt a warm breath on his neck.

“Yes, Black, I’d love to.” You smiled when he turned to look at you and headed to the ravenclaw table, while he had the goofiest smile on his face.

“What the hell was that?” James asked and Sirius, proudly, told them everything. His smile getting bigger at each word.

“Can you believe her?” He spoke at the end, all of the boys looking with smiles on their faces.

“Pads, you are so in love with her.” And for the first time, Sirius Black was not afraid of this statement.

Tell me if I’m wrong, tell me if I’m right
Tell me if you need a loving hand
To help you fall asleep tonight

To Make you Laugh

AN: Loosely based off one of @taterdraws drawings. I love these boys too much, someone help. & @willrolandhypesquad asked me to tag them in the finished product so they could find it, hope you all enjoy the fic!

“Dear Evan Hansen, my mind and body ache when we’re apart- JARED!” Evan’s face was flushed a deep red as he read what was on the screen. “Your dead boyfriend was expressing his affections and you’re screaming my name? I mean I’m flattered, but that’s harsh!” Jared was laughing at how embarrassed Evan was, but what else was new?

“This isn’t a joke! I know you don’t think this is serious but it is! Like, I know that youdon'treallycareaboutthisoraboutmebuthisisreallyimportantsocanyoupleasejustdothisonethingandtakeitseriously?” Evan said, rushing through his words and starting to hyperventilate.

“Evan, man, calm down! I have the real email I plan to use already typed out and pulled up. Here, have a look,” Jared said, offering the laptop to show Evan. He took it from his hands, reading it over. He inhaled deeply, slowly letting it out as he replied “Sorry. It’s just that I’ve been dealing with alotofstufflatelyandI'vebeenstressingoutandoverreactingandlike, I know you don’t have to be doing this for me, but it reallystressesmeoutwhenyoudostufflikethisand-”

Jared stood from his chair, placing a hand on his shoulder. “If it really bothers you that much I can stop. Well, not stop completely, I’ll still slip innuendos in here and there, that’s just who I am. But, I can try toning it down if you’d like.”

Evan was taken aback. He honestly hadn’t expected Jared to comply to anything he said. “I-er-um, could you?” he stammered out.

“Yeah, I mean, you won’t get all the steamy details of your fake love life, but I think we can still leave some things to the imagination,” Jared said, winking and nudging Evan with a laugh. Evan chuckled, but only because he didn’t knew what else to do. It was an automatic reaction for when he had no clue how to respond. “You know you don’t have to do that, right?”

Evan, startled from his thoughts, jumped and looked at him with wide eyes. “D-do what?” he asked, confused as to what he could mean. “You know, that weird, forced, chuckle thing you always do,” Jared clarified. Evan laughed awkwardly, “I don’t do that.”

“You just did it!” Jared exclaimed. “Point proven,” he said proudly. “But do you ever really laugh? I mean, I’ve kinda known you for years but I don’t recall a time of you ever laughing, and I only remember a few instances of you genuinely smiling.”

“I just, don’t have a sense of humor, I guess,” Evan said, looking at the ground and shrinking in on himself. “That’s not true, everyone has a sense of humor. You just aren’t sure what yours is,” he explained. “Y'know, the only reason I write the emails like that is to try to get you to laugh, or hell, even just to smile. I didn’t think it’d be that hard because I’m so funny and charming” he said, gesturing to himself.

“Yeah… charming…” Evan said whilst picking at a loose thread on the blanket covering his bed. Jared plopped down next to him, “Wait, was that, SARCASM? Do you think I’m NOT charming?” he joked, scooting closer to Evan. Evan subconsciously scooted away and started to apologize.

“Oh n-no it’s not that I don’t find you charming, I mean, youcanbeverylikableattimesIguessbutImadeitsoundlikeIdon'tthinkthatbutIdothinkthatand-”

Jared chuckled, cutting him off, “Relaaax I was just kidding. Man, you really need to lighten up,” Jared said with a poke to his side. Evan curled away from his touch with a yelp, covering his mouth with wide eyes. Jared grinned evilly, “I think I know how to get you to laugh.”

“H-how?” Evan asked somewhat nervously, squirming in his seat but not moving away. Jared smirked, “I think it’d be better if I just demonstrated.” He gently shoved him onto his back, pinning him so he couldn’t get away. “W-what are you doing?” Jared rolled his eyes, setting his hands on his hips, “I literally just said I’d show you.”

“Oh well h- AH! Jahahahared!”

“Wow, you’re really ticklish!” he exclaimed happily. He skittered his fingers lightly over his stomach, evoking loud shrieks from Evan. He thrashed underneath him, arms flailing about uselessly. It had been years since Evan had been tickled. His mom used to do it to make him laugh, but she only did so for a few seconds. He didn’t even know he was still so sensitive. And as he laid there laughing freely for the first time in ages, he couldn’t decide if it was a blessing or a curse.

“What’s so funny Evan? Why are you laughing?” Jared teased, wiggling his fingers under his arms. His laughter increased in pitch as he tried to speak, “You’re t-t” Evan couldn’t seem to get the words to come out of his mouth. Jared grinned, “I’m what? I can’t exactly understand you when you’re laughing this hard.” His words only served to intensify the feeling, and Evan was completely helpless to defend himself. He was able to turn on his side and curl in on himself, but that didn’t deter Jared in the slightest.

“Aw, are you blushing?” he asked leaning closer and tickling his neck lightly. Evan’s deep laughter turned to light airy giggles, “Shuhuhut uhuhup!” Jared gasped, “Never thought I’d hear Evan Hansen tell someone to shut up,” he said. “Buuuut, because I’m so nice, I guess I can give you a break.” He rolled off of him, letting him catch his breath.

Evan laid on his back panting, residual giggles slipping from his mouth. Maybe Jared was right; he did need to laugh a bit more. And it seemed like with Jared, he would.

Honey Works Just As Well

@lynnialljohnson asked: Loved the latest Ian and Jenny. I think its about time Claire learned something naughty from Jenny! Maybe using a bit of honey to make things sweeter? ;)

Weel! I loved this. So so much. This is a canon divergence where Wentworth didn’t happen and Jamie’s pardon came through. Hope you like it darling!

I walked around the garden, observing the growth of my herbs. They were doing well, I thought. Wiping the dirt off my hands onto my skirts, I turned to the house. I stopped when I heard voices.

“Ian, Come and sit a while. I can see from here how much yer leg pains ye.”

“Ach, dinna fash, Jenny. I’ll be fine.”

“Sit. Down.”

I heard him groan and ease himself onto something. I felt like an intruder, listening to them this way, but these tender moments with Jenny were rare. And I had it on good authority that Jenny herself had observed some of my own interactions with Jamie. Turnabout was fair play, after all.

“Mo maise,” Ian whispered. “Mo ghaol.”

I wandered around the corner, careful to keep out of sight. Ian sat on a wooden bench, his peg leg stretched out to one side. Jenny stood in front of him, looking down at him with a fondness that brought tears to my eyes. No matter how prickly she might be toward me, she loved Ian as deeply as I loved Jamie.

“I wish ye wouldna work so hard, mo luaidh.”

“Aye, I ken that. It’ll be easier now wi’ Jamie and his wife here.”

Jenny’s eyes rolled.

“That wee trollop hasne run a house afore.”


“Aye, Jamie loves her, only God kens why.”

“Janet Murray, that is no way to speak of your good sister.”

Ian’s arms wove around Jenny’s waist, pulling her closer to him. The fondness and adoration in his own eyes was just as deep as hers.

“Ian, ye’ve gone soft. Why the hell would he marry an Englishwoman? After how they’ve treated us?”

“Oh ye just dinna like another woman having power o’er him. And ye can see clear as day that he’d lay down his life for her.”

“Aye… He would.”

“He’s happy, mo nighean dubh. Try and be happy too?”

Jenny’s lips pursed, but she nodded.

“I say again, ye’ve gone soft, Ian Murray.”

“Not all soft,” he said, his mouth pulling into a wolfish smile.

“Oh? Aye, ye’ve a head as hard as Jamie’s.”

I felt my own cheeks flush when Ian’s hands slid down to squeeze Jenny’s backside.

“Ian! What are ye doing?!”

“Fondling my wife’s sweet arse, what does it look like?”

“Here?! Wi’ yer leg hurtin’ ye?”

Ian’s smile grew.

“Ye’ve always taken such great care of me, Jenny. Making me walk again because ye’re so damned stubborn. And look at all the bairns ye’ve given me. I have loved ye all my life, Janet. Coming home to ye takes the pain out of my leg every time.”

“Weel,” she said, brushing hastily at the moisture on her cheeks. “When ye put it like that.”

“Come here, my love,” Ian said, his hands drifting even lower.

I ducked away quickly, not needing to witness what came after such declarations. Without thinking, I went in search of my own husband. 

I’d only told him that I loved him the night before, something I hadn’t expected to say to him. Words of affection weren’t things that came naturally to me, but I could make an effort.

The first place I looked for him was the stable. I found Rabbie putting fresh feed in the stalls.

“Rabbie, have you seen Jamie?”

“Aye, he’s out at the miss, mistress.”

“Has the wheel stopped working again?”

“Aye, mistress. The laird said he’d get it working in no time.”

“Thank you.”

The lad smiled at me and I picked up my skirts to hike out to the mill.

His coat, sporran, and sword belt hung on a peg by the door. The sleeves of his shirt were rolled up to his elbows, his broad shoulders flexing as he worked on the wheel. I watched how his kilt swung around his legs, perfectly pleated as always.

He turned around after a moment, wiping sweat from his brow.

“Sassenach! I didna expect to see ye out here.”

“I finished with my planting a little early.”

“Aye? Did Jenny leave ye enough space?”

“Oh plenty. Thank you. It feels good to be working with plants again.”

His smile radiated at me from the darkness of the mill.

“Good! I kent ye’d feel at home here. I’m glad Jenny hasne scart ye off yet.”

“This isn’t my home,” I said, walking toward him.

His face fell and he looked at the ground nodding.

“I ken it isna an easy life, here; that ye’ve things ye miss from your own time. I just thought… Maybe… If I loved ye enough, ye might not miss it s’much.”

I put my hand on his chest, just over his steadily beating heart.

“This place isn’t my home because you are my home, mo ghaol.”

His eyes narrowed for a moment before his smile returned.

“Was that the Gàidhlig?”

“An attempt at it, at least.”

“And where did ye learn that one?”

“Well… You’ve said it. But I heard Ian say it to Jenny.”

He looked happier now.

“We really need to work on your Gàidhlig.”

I took his hands, which had wound around my waist, and placed them on my stomach.

“Perhaps you can teach us.”

He frowned down at me.


“Well me and… our baby.

His eyes went wide as he looked between my face and my stomach.

“A… A… A bairn?”

“Yes. Jamie, I’m pregnant.”

“But ye said…”

“I thought, but…”

“A bairn!”

“We’re going to have a baby!”


“I can’t believe how happy I am!”

He picked me up and swung me around in circles. When he set me back on my feet, he crushed me against the wall with a heated kiss.

“Wait,” he said, pulling back so suddenly I nearly fell.


“Is it… Is it safe? Wi’ the bairn?”

“Is what safe?”

“If we… Ah… Ye ken.”

His hips nudged mine, unconsciously I thought, and I felt the stiffness beneath his kilt.

“Oh yes. It’s hardly bigger than the head of a nail right now.”

“But it’s growing? You’re sure?”

“Yes, I am. My cycle is very regular and I should have bled a few days ago. It’s really happening.”

My bodice sprang open and his hands moved up my torso.

“I thought these were a wee bit larger than usual.”


“More sensitive too.”

His mouth found mine while his hands continued to play with my breasts. I was pressed hard against the wall of the mill, his body nearly trembling beneath my hands.

“Jamie,” I very nearly moaned.

“Aye?” he asked, breathing hard.

I held his face between my hands and looked in straight in the eye.

“I love you.”

“I canna tell you how long I’ve wanted to hear ye say that.”

“I said it just last night, didn’t I?”

“Oh aye, ye did. And it sounds just as good today as it did then.”

He fumbled for a minute with his kilt and my dress until we connected. Both of his eyes closed slowly, his mouth slightly open. I couldn’t resist my urge to kiss him, smiling a little at the sound he made.

“Did you fix the mill?” I asked.

“Why do ye care about the mill just now?” he asked, grinding against me roughly.

“I just don’t want someone walking in on us.”

“Sometimes I think ye talk too much, Sassenach.”

Just as I opened my mouth to complain, he stole it. I honestly couldn’t remember the last time he’d been quite so excited. His body was practically vibrating while he took me, his breath hot on my neck. I surrendered to it, to him.

We hit a soft conclusion together, neither of us needing more than that. He held me to the wall still, both of us breathing heavily from our exertions. But he was grinning from ear to ear, his eyes glittering with joy.

“I can scarcely believe it, Sassenach. A bairn of our own.”

“I can’t believe it either. I think you’re going to be a brilliant father.”

If it was possible, his smile got wider.

“Aye. And I ken the sort of mother you’ll be, my own. You’ll be brilliant as well.”

“Laird? Laird, I’ve the man who can fix the mill here. Are ye still here, laird?”

Jamie groaned and stepped back, helping me shake my skirts back into place. He eyed my open bodice and hastily rushed to the door while I tied myself back up.

“Aye, I’m here. I havena got it working just yet. Something’s still stuck, I think.”

“Aye, I’ll just take a look inside and-”

“No, I think something’s stuck in the wheel again. I’ve just checked inside. Verra weel, I assure ye.”

I bit back my giggle and waited for Jamie to come back. While the other men inspected the mill on the outside, he ducked back in.

“Ye best go now, Sassenach, or I’m like to take ye again. Just thinking of ye breeding wi’ my child… Christ I can hardly take it.”

“Well I’ll leave you to your work then. Perhaps we can talk about this again later?”

“Oh aye. We’ll have to tell Jenny and Ian. They’ll be verra pleased.”

“I’m sure. I’ll see you at dinner then.”

I wear my hair the way you said you liked it, half straight and half wavy, with little curls hanging around my ears. I wear a red hair tie around my wrist, the one where you said you liked that shade. I wear my black and white converse just in case you did too, so we’d be matching. I wear a new pair of earring, thinking you’d see them and compliment me, like you always use too when I wore my little green ones. it makes me sick thinking about you. i loved you so much and now there’s just an ache where the butterflies use to be. why didn’t you see me like you saw her? please come back. i miss you so much.
—  (goddamn it after all this time you are still in my mind. i can’t stand you. i hate you so much. you killed me with your mind games. i hate you so much i love you i love you i love you. god what is wrong with me. i never thought it would be like this. this isn’t how i imagined us. you were never supposed to forget about me. i thought you loved me. why didn’t you?)

As much as I’m hurt and heartbroken, I’m also so proud of him. Proud that he’s found someone, proud that he’s happy, and proud that’s he’s comfortable to finally share this with us. My heart is breaking silently, as I was a Michael girl from 2012 to 2015 before I switched lanes to Calum. My heart aches for the Michael girls. He loves her, and he loves us, just not in the same ways. But know, he does love us, he loves you, and again I’m so PROUD of him, no matter how much my heart is aching. ❤️


The headache starts while Shizuo is still at work.

It takes him a while to realize that’s what it is. It begins as irritability, a vague sense of discomfort that just increases with every passing minute; when he recognizes the pressure for the dull ache it is, it’s grown to a level that he can feel throb against his temples with every heartbeat. The last half hour of work passes in a blur; by the time he’s making his way home the headache has gotten so bad the whole world feels distant and hazy, like he’s watching a movie instead of interacting with his own life. Voices feel far away, sounds seem to bear down on him like physical blows his body is suddenly incapable of handling; the trip back to the apartment seems to take twice as long as it usually does, until when he finally comes through the front door he’s surprised to find it unlocked, surprised that Izaya hasn’t yet left for whatever it is Izaya does in the evenings.

“Welcome back,” a voice calls from down the length of the hallway. “You’re late, Shizu-chan.”

“I’m home,” Shizuo offers back in belated response. He tries to toe his shoes off as usual but the coordination the task requires fails him; he steps on the cuff of his pant leg twice, kicks himself hard in the back of the ankle once, and finally has to reach out and brace himself against the wall before he can work through the motion slowly enough to achieve success.

Keep reading

Home of My Heart - Part 7

Find previous parts here 

The smell of fresh pancakes filled her senses as she watched him cook.

“Jamie… You shouldn’t have. I can make breakfast myself, really.”

“Ach, I’m sure ye could. But I wanted to do this for ye. Before ye leave for work.” He set the plate down in front of her and sat in the seat across from her, watching her in the early morning light.

He took in the way the sun hit her hair in just the right spots and the deep brown turned to auburn. How had he only just met this woman and already loved her so much? He’d be damned if this would be a one night stand, she was so much more than that to him.

“Mm, this is good! Thank you.” She mumbled through a full mouth.

“You’re welcome, sassenach.”

She nearly inhaled the food, it wasn’t until she’d taken the first bite that she realized how hungry she was.

She got up to wash her dishes when she finished, but Jamie stopped her, taking the plate from her. “Let me.”

She smiled,” Thank you, Jamie. I better get ready for work. I’ll call you?”

“Aye. I’ll be waiting.”


She stood in the stream of hot water, letting it lap over her and wash all of her problems and fears away. It had been quite some time since Frank had occupied her mind day and night, but here she was again. Afraid of what he might do.


When she came downstairs, Jamie was no longer there. Of course she knew he wouldn’t be, yet her heart still sank. There was no evidence he had ever even been there, besides the throbbing between her legs.

His face was ever present in her mind’s eye. His flaming red curls, how they felt in her hands when he brought her to her peak. The way his body went taut when he came to his own conclusion. There was no denying she felt something more for him than lust, yet she was so afraid. Afraid of getting hurt again, having her heart broken. He wasn’t the same man as Frank. Far from it. Yet she had built a wall around her heart, and she wasn’t ready to break it down just yet.


The whirlwind of ever present work in the hospital distracted her from her personal thoughts and problems. Frank and Jamie sat in the back of her mind as she focused on healing, and learning.

By the end of the day she was exhausted. She had to change her scrubs several times after they had been soiled with blood, vomit and several other bodily fluids. She was almost out the door when she saw him, and all of a sudden she forgot how to breathe. She put her head down and tried to walk past him, but he saw her.

“Claire!” She ignored him.

“Claire!” He shouted this time. She kept walking.

A third time and his hand was on her arm, forcing her to stop.

“Claire.” He hissed. “I need to speak with you.”

Her heart started to beat faster and faster as her mind went through all the possible scenarios this would lead.

She swallowed, “What do you want, Frank.”

He pulled her off to the side but he never took his hands off her.

“I miss you Claire. I need you.”

She laughed. “You need me? Well. You should have thought of that when you slept with another woman. I don’t need you. I’ve moved on. Let me live my life, Frank. I closed our chapter a long time ago. It’s time you do the same.” She bit back. She had turned around and started to leave but he tightened his grip on her arm.

“Claire.” He choked. “She never meant anything to me. You do. I love you. Only you. Please. Give me another chance.” He pleaded, tears starting to run down his cheeks.

“No,Frank.” And with that she ripped her arm from his grasp and walked away.


As soon as she got home she called Jamie to come over. She needed him. And now.

It wasn’t long until he was at her front door, a look of worry on his face.

“Claire, are ye alright?”

She smiled at the sight of him. “I am now.” She whispered as she pulled him into a kiss.

He was hesitant at first but he gave in to her. Her hands were on the buckle of his trousers and in an instant they were on the floor. He pulled back.

“Claire, no. We can’t.” He urged.

Please Jamie. I need this. It’s been a long day, I just want you.”

God, how could he not give into her? She was beautiful. The way her hair floated about her shoulders and how her breasts moved as her chest heaved. How round her arse was. He could still feel it in his hands.

No. He couldn’t. Not again. He shouldn’t have laid with her the first time. It wasn’t right. But how could he tell her his feelings without her turning and running the other way? He wanted to make her his, properly.

“No, Claire. I’m here for ye, but not for that. So tell me, what is it?”

She eyed him and looked down at his pants and raised an eyebrow.

“You’re sure, you don’t want me?” She asked innocently as her hand went to grab his very evident wanting.

“You’re bonny Claire. I can’t deny that I want ye. But it isna right.” He reasoned.

She bit her lip and began moving her hand along his length. “Then have me.” She whispered.

He grunted and pushed her off of him. “I said no!” He hissed.

He could see her face go from a look of wanting and lust to that of fear and anguish.

She stepped back, avoiding his eyes. “I- I’m sorry.” She whispered.

He pulled his trousers back up and buttoned them. “It’s alright lass. Now tell me, what’s wrong?”

She sniffled and went over to the sofa and he followed. They sat side by side and she began.

“It’s Frank. He was waiting for me after my shift and he said that he wanted me back. That he needed me.”

Jamie’s jaw clenched, biting back the feeling of hatred he had for this man that hurt her. “What did you say?”

She nearly laughed. “I told him no. Told him that I had moved on. That he should’ve thought about that before fucking another woman.” She blurted.

His hand found hers and squeezed it reassuringly. “Good. He doesna deserve you.”

Neither do I. But I hope to make you mine. He thought.

A hint of a smile pulled at her lips. “When I got home I was just so angry, so I called you. I’m sorry for… what I did.” She paused, looking up at him for the first time in several minutes.

He squeezed her hand again. “Ach, dinna fash.” He hesitated before continuing.



“Listen… Claire, I like ye. More than just a friend. I’m sorry if this seems a tad bit early but I canna hide my feelings. I was wondering if you would have me. As your boyfriend?” He asked shyly, afraid of her answer.

She smiled and he was glad to see that it reached her eyes. “Yes. Yes, i’ll have you.” She beamed.

“Oh Claire. Ye’ve made me verra happy.” And then his mouth was on hers.