I’ve never read a book that treated its characters with more tenderness, generosity, and sympathy than Benjamin Sáenz’s Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe. Even when the characters don’t think they deserve it, especially when the characters don’t think they deserve it, the narrative holds out cupped hands full of love and patiently waits for them to take it. It makes my heart ache so much; it’s a book that genuinely makes me aspire to be a kinder person.
based on this suggestions blog. warning: these are pretty dark/angry & could be triggering to some people. please be cautious before proceeding!!
‘ all i want in my life is for my friends to be able to touch me suddenly & me to not flinch away without meaning to. when will this stop affecting me? ’ ‘ all i want is to be soft & gentle, but i’m made out of steel & anger. maybe in another life, i guess. ’ ‘ beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so choose to see beauty in everything. ’ ‘ burning it all to the ground & force them to start again. they made you lose everything. now return the favor. ’ ‘ do i ever even cross your mind or do i do all the thinking of us on my own? ’ ‘ do you trust me enough? do you trust me at all? ’ ‘ don’t you dare abandon me. ’ ‘ even after all you have done, i will always want you fighting on my side. ’ ‘ every time i see you smile i fall in love with your brightness all over again. ’ ‘ everyone i have ever loved is long gone. i sing to the sky alone. ’ ‘ everyone i touch gets hurt, but i can’t stop. i touch & i touch & i touch & people get hurt. why can’t i ever stop? ’ ‘ everyone says i used to be a hero, but i can still taste the blood in my mouth & still feel bruises blooming because of my fists & my eyes are still stretched wide & terrified. ’ ‘ everything i love has been taken from me. what do i have left to fight for? ’ ‘ fall in love with someone that makes you feel strong. ’ ‘ friends are more important than any material object will ever be. ’ ‘ i am aching to hold you & keep you safe, to be pressed against you so that nothing can harm you. ’ ‘ i am divine & you will bow before me. ’ ‘ i am fucking divine. ’ ‘ i am in control & i listen to no one. ’ ‘ i am not a good person. don’t pretend i am. ’ ‘ i am not accustomed to love. this is a learning experience. ’ ‘ i am not worth saving & i am not worth redemption. let me stay in the dark. ’ ‘ i am so tired all the time, all i want to do is rest. ’ ‘ i am too tired to deal with any of this. ’ ‘ i bow to no man. ’ ‘ i broke into sharp pieces when i broke & i expect someone else to hurt their hands on my edges just to put me back together. i’m sorry. ’ ‘ i can give you your wings back & i can show you to fly once more, if you only believe in me. ’ ‘ i cannot be saved. ’ ‘ i can’t ask for help because if i ask for help it hurts people. i can bear this weight on my own. i have to. ’ ‘ i could taste the lies in your mouth every time i kissed you, but i loved you too much to notice. ’ ‘ i crave affection in the simplest way. ’ ‘ i deserve to hurt. i deserve to bleed. ’ ‘ i didn’t ask for any of this so don’t you dare blame this on me. ’ ‘ i don’t care if you say my name like it’s poison or like it’s a prayer, as long as it leaves your lips. ’ ‘ i don’t fight for you anymore. ’ ‘ i don’t want to let go of you. not now, not ever. ’ ‘ i don’t want to talk about it. i don’t want to remember. i don’t want to heal. all i want is for it to go away. ’ ‘ i don’t want you to touch me. please don’t touch me, just go away. ’ ‘ i feel anger deeper than my bones. i feel anger in my very soul. ’ ‘ i feel nothing at all, except for when i feel everything all at once. ’ ‘ i have fallen & though i may miss the sky, i belong here now. ’ ‘ i have fallen from a height your mind cannot even imagine. ’ ‘ i have no home anymore. ’ ‘ i remember collapsing in the flames with a sword in my hand & then i remember nothing. ’ ‘ i see beauty in everything, but especially in you. ’ ‘ i should never have fallen in love with you. ’ ‘ i thought for a long time that i was so terrible no one would look at me. now i know it’s because i shine so bright they are forced to look away. ’ ‘ i was so caught up in the feeling that i forgot how to breathe. ’ ‘ i will never amount to anything. i am a failure in the worst type of way. ’ ‘ i will tell myself that the burn of my loneliness in my chest completes me & maybe someday it will be true. ’ ‘ if that’s what a hero is i’m glad i’m not one anymore. ’ ‘ if you ask me to, i will set the whole world on fire, my dear. it’s all for you. ’ ‘ is it my fault? it’s my fault. it’s always my fault. ’ ‘ it’s not murder if they deserved it, right? ’ ‘ i’m drowning in emotions that don’t belong to me, choking on anger & suffocating on sadness. ’ ‘ i’m in love with everything that hurts me. ’ ‘ i’m okay. i’m alright. this is all in my mind. ’ ‘ i’m ready to give up everything i’ve ever had if it means someone will love me. ’ ‘ i’m so cold & i can’t stop shaking. i am not who you think i am. ’ ‘ i’m so tired all the time & i just want to be awake again. ’ ‘ i’m tired of fighting against the pain of being forgotten. i just want someone to remember me. ’ ‘ i’m tired of fighting everything in my life. just make it stop. ’ ‘ i’m too tired to care. blow up, get angry at me. i’m sure someday i’ll realize i deserved it. ’ ‘ jealousy burns within me. ’ ‘ just let me go in peace for once in my damn life. ’ ‘ loneliness is a disease & it leaves me empty & hollow, like sound goes through my body & bounces back. ’ ‘ made of starlight & sunshine, i shine brighter than they all know. ’ ‘ my anger is righteous & my actions are pure. ’ ‘ my chest aches & my lungs burn. this sickness comes from the inside. ’ ‘ my chest hurts & all i need is some comfort & understanding. ’ ‘ my chest hurts & i ache to go back to the sky. ’ ‘ my shoulders are aching where wings used to be & all i want is for them to stop hurting. ’ ‘ pull me apart & piece me together in your own way. make me perfect. ’ ‘ righteous fury throws through my veins & if you touch the people i love i will destroy you. ’ ‘ rise up. you can’t keep being small when you were made for so much more. ’ ‘ say my name like it’s the only one that’s ever been on your tongue. ’ ‘ so much blood has been spilled in my name. time to make you believe it was in yours. ’ ‘ so you’ll worry about me when i fall silent, but not when i scream & plead for help? fuck off. ’ ‘ sometimes people have to get hurt for me to get what i want. ’ ‘ stay away from my fucking friends. stay the fuck away or so help me i will destroy you. ’ ‘ stop treating me like i’m an idiot. you aren’t better than me in any way & you better remember that. ’ ‘ the bitter taste of regret is ever present on my tongue. ’ ‘ the world is spinning far too fast for me to stay on it. ’ ‘ to love them is my divine right. ’ ‘ voices whisper from the shadows & they fill my mind with thoughts of you. ’ ‘ what did i to wrong to be so unloved? ’ ‘ what is the point of power if i’m not supposed to use it? ’ ‘ who the fuck do you think you are? ’ ‘ why can’t i ever fucking stop crying? ’ ‘ with a new year comes new tests & triumphs. let’s try to make the most out of it. ’ ‘ would it really kill you to be honest for once? ’ ‘ yes, i remember my wings breaking & being destroyed. i was powerless to stop it. ’ ‘ you are not required to love your parents, or to even like them. ’ ‘ you can’t hate me more than i hate myself, but you are more than welcome to try. ’ ‘ you may say you love me, but you love only a part of me. i am too complex for you to ever love my entire being. ’ ‘ you never fucking cared about me. don’t fucking lie about it. not to me. ’ ‘ you remind me of mint. fresh, sharp, kind of cold, but in a nice way. i always knew there was a reason mint was my favorite. ’ ‘ you shine light in even the darkest parts of me. you are my sun. ’ ‘ you should fear me, but you don’t. i will be eternally puzzled, yet grateful. ’ ‘ you touch me & my skin burns & it burns for you, always you. ’
OMG JACK THANK YOU SO MUCH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH MEETING YOU MEANS TO ME MY HEART ACHES BECAUSE I WANT TO HUG YOU AGAIN! IF YOU SEE THIS OR IF ANYONE GETS YOU TO SEE THIS THANK YOU SO MUCH!💚💚💚 @therealjacksepticeye
LITERALLY JUST IMAGINE FUCKING TEDDY LUPIN DECKED OUT IN HIS HUFFLEPUFF ROBES WITH THE HEAD BOY BADGE ON IT WITH HIS HOT BLUE HAIR AND THIS BIG BOY SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD SMIRK AND SMILE AS HE CROSSES HIS ARMS AND WATCHES LITTLE ELEVEN YEAR OLD JAMES SIRIUS POTTER BRAVELY WALK TO THE HAT AND SIT DOWN AND HEARING THE VOICE RING OUT GRYFFINDOR. AND TEDDY POUTS AND GOES ‘DAMN’ BUT HE WATCHES PROUDLY AS HIS YOUNGER FREAKIN BROTHER RELATED OR NOT WALKS TO THE GRYFFINDOR TABLE AND SITS DOWN WITH AN AWE FILLED FACE. AND HE WHIRLS AROUND TO WAVE FRANTICALLY AT TEDDY AND TEDDY GRINS AND WAVES BACK AND STICKS HIM A THUMBS UP BECAUSE ‘GOOD JOB, JAMES. MUM AND DAD’LL BE PROUD.’
I like to think that Saitama and Genos have the sort of relationship where they’re a package deal. Like if you invite one of them to something then there’s like a 99% chance the other one goes too. Maybe the Hero Association gets upset because Genos keeps bringing a B-Class hero to S-Class events and Genos is pretty much like “fuck off”. Or maybe their friends don’t bother giving them both invitations to things because they know that invitation automatically includes the other. And on the rare occasion where only one of them shows up to something people just freak out and ask a billion questions like “What happened?” “Did you two get into a fight?” “Is everything alright?”. And their responses are always so domestic or mundane like “Genos is parking the car” or “Saitama has a stomach ache” or “Genos is over there. Jesus, calm down. We’re fine.”
hello ! if it isn't too much trouble, could you compile a list of your absolute top 5 fics ? (that you've read so far) thank you !!!
Hey, friend! Thanks so much for this request! Disclaimer: THIS WAS SO HARD TO DO BECAUSE I LOVE SO MANY FICS! But if I have to narrow it down to just *gasps* 5 fics, then here they are! These aren’t in any particular order!
My Top 5 Victuuri Fics (So far!)
Until My Feet Bleed and My Heart Aches by Reiya, 147k (WIP) Rivals AU where Yuuri’s main goal, ever since he was a child, is to beat Victor and win the GPF. SO MUCH ANGST (like, so much) and deliciously hot, hot, hot! You might die from reading this… it’s that good. This is SO GOOD! Seriously, it’s better than most published novels I’ve read!!! I AM 1000000% TOO OBSESSED BUT I DON’T EVEN CARE IT’S SO AMAZINGSFLA
ebony & ivory by wbtrashking (fan_nerd), Explicit, 20k A little longer than your average one shot, but OH MY GOD THIS FIC IS AMAZING. Yuuri, a pianist, moves into a new apartment complex to play with the ASO. Not long after he starts practicing, he starts getting requests from his mysterious upstairs neighbour. THIS FIC CLEARED MY SKIN AND SAVED MY SOUL IT’S SO SO AMAZING
The Fundamentals of Caring by braveten, Explicit, 20k One of my favourite hurt/comfort fics! Yuuri comes down with a nasty cold and Victor tries to take care of him the best that he can. Full of hilariously delusional Yuuri, caring Victor, and ALL THE FLUFF! So cute, definitely recommend! LOOOOOVE!!!
Amateur or Expert? by Watermelonsmellinfellon, Teen, 1.9k AU where Yuuri is a ice skating instructor and Victor is thirsty for him and will do whatever it takes for Yuuri to get to know him. Even if that means pretending to not know how to skate at all, even though he’s a five-time world champion. VERY cute, lots of fluff, and Victor is hilarious in this. I CAN’T STOP SCREAMING!
all the world’s a stage by braveten, Explicit, 112k AU where Victor is the the most famous actor in Hollywood and Yuuri is a silver medalist at this year’s GPF… and also has a huge crush on Victor. Yuuri auditions to become his skating coach for a movie with the help of Pitchit and cuteness ensues. Fun, great writing, good plot. Lots of fluff, some angst, and a little bit of smut. SO FREAKIN’ GOOD ASHDGALSJFHGSJ
I’m healing, healing from the broken heart I never understood, from the jump my chest made at the mention of your name, the longing late night prose and grasping at the tiles of my bathroom floor. I’m healing, we spend our entire lives doing so. I’d never admit to loving you, maybe now I can. Maybe now I can read what you inspired without feeling the ‘almosts’ consume me. But my heart still hurts and my eyes still ache I don’t think that’s something you get over. I feel so much and I felt too much for you, you are a love packaged in with pain. Thank you, thank you for being a muse to my suffering and just that, thank you for being my suffering. I felt the depths of my heart and without that i’d be unaware of how far to leap so thank you for taking me to the edge. Now I know i’m able to do so without throwing myself off, that’s always the fear, I love heights a little bit too much. You were my cliff, my god I loved you. I jumped day after day until It broke down all I had left to catch me, still hoping one day it would be you
Now, in this post, we will be tying these threads together by looking at the WHAT and the HOW. You’ve examined the roots, you’ve gotten rid of the pesky little bugs living down there, so… WHAT is procrastination really and HOW do you defeat it and actually start studying?
Procrastinaton, for me, is a state of mind, a surround sound and most of all: a place - it’s LIMBO. It’s physically being unable to do something. Being caught in a web (very often the world wide one). Drowning in water. Being pulled apart, gaining momentum, losing control, cotton in my ears, the heat of shame in my chest, a thousand voices in my mind that I try to silence.
“You should be -” “You have to -” “You must -”
“Do something, do something, do something, anything, anything, anything, anything” “You loser, you can’t even -” “YOU USED TO BE GREAT and now you’re just-”
I hate myself while doing it. I feel horrible. I feel useless. But at the same time, at the very bottom of my mind, there is something that I’ve refused to acknowledge for the longest time: a sense of pleasure. Why do I feel this weird sense of pleasure when I procrastinate? Why do I feel pleasure when I know I’m sabotaging my future through inaction? When I’m digging myself into a deeper and deeper grave? When I hate myself at the same time? Why do I procrastinate at all? Is it because of that underlying ironic pleasure?
Well, to find the answer to those questions, we first need to ask ourselves a bigger one: what is the OPPOSITE of limbo? If limbo is being caught in the middle of nowhere, floating, glitching, slowly imploding, then what is the opposite? I’d say it’s movement, direction and action - you being in charge and moving things along, having agency, being alive and powerful and energetic and hot. I’d say it’s FLOW.
When I was a child, I had little to no problem syncing in and out of flow. It just came to me like second nature and I LOVED it. I loved the way my brain buzzed and I completely forgot about my surroundings. I loved disappearing into ideas, books, stories, video games, homework, a teacher’s lesson, a friend’s story, my own projects. I went in and out as I pleased and could turn it on and off like a light switch. It was so. much. fun. and I was so, so lucky to have had the privilege of such a talent.
Back then, I used to ache and hunger for a challenge. Things were smooth and easy and fun, but I wanted MORE - harder exercises, deeper questions, more challenging teachers. When I told my father about that, he smiled and said
“Be happy. You have put so much work into this. This is the moment it’s all paying off - you’ve turned and turned and turned your wheel and now it’s running smoothly along the street without even noticing how uneven the ground is.”
He was right, of course, but as time went on, I became more and dissatisfied with my smooth little wheel and started to procrastinate more and more. Why? And, again: where does the pleasure at procrastinating come from?
I’d argue that there are two main factors and one huge reason:
FACTOR 1: The wheel didn’t deliver on its promises
I already mentioned this in the very first post, but basically: disillusionment. I loved working hard, but I also expected it to pay off at some point. However, apart from the occasional pat on the head from a teacher or my parents’ smiles, there wasn’t all that much to be gained. There were no harder exercises, no special treatments, no big revelations - even university, my very last bastion of hope turned out to be a glorified bouncy castle. I was just bored and the work I put into it wasn’t worth the outcome anymore. The system had failed me.
FACTOR 2: Suddenly, there were a lot of wheels
It is easy to glorify my younger self, but, really, child-me had it a lot easier. Child-me only had one wheel to spin (school) and as I grew older, I realized that there were, well, many other wheels I had neglected. I had a lot of catching up to do in areas like empathy, charisma, self-confidence and self-worth outside of academia, humour and fashion. And when I left school, there were even MORE wheels: suddenly, I also had to keep my job, my apartment, my much more complicated social life, my manifold hobbies and a somewhat healthy sleep schedule going. I wasn’t prepared for this abundance of wheels. I’d grown up thinking that as long as I could keep the one wheel I was good at spinning (academia), I’d be juuuuust dandy. Well, I was wrong and I realized that, once again the system had failed me.
If only I’d had better teachers. If only I’d listened to the good ones. If only I’d worked the problem earlier. If only I was part of a better system that would recognize and foster my talents. Who knows how much I could achieve? Who knows how much I could have ALREADY achieved?
And that’s where the pleasure of procrastination comes from. It is defiance. It is rebellion. It is a big “FUCK YOU” to the system that failed me. It is a “Look at me! I’m operating outside the system and I’m STILL getting semi-good grades. I don’t need any of you. I don’t need any of this. I’m playing by MY rules. I’m getting shit done MY way. Because YOUR way disappointed me. Because I am FREE.”
If, at this point, you’re starting to feel sorry for me (or yourself for being in a similar situation) …that’s exactly the problem. There’s really no way to say this nicely, so here we go:
PROCRASTINATION IS NO MORE AND NO LESS THAN A GLORIFIED VICTIM COMPLEX.
Let me explain. When you procrastinate, doesn’t it feel like you HAVE TO do things? Like you’re being FORCED to do something? Like you’re POWERLESS? Like you’re STUCK? Like you’re SUFFERING? Like you’re AT THE MERCY of your negative thoughts, the system or you’re conscience? Like you’re being WHIPPED AROUND? Like you crave recognition of your SUFFERING? Like you don’t have a choice except RUNNING AWAY and not facing what you’re FORCED to face?
All of these thoughts and emotions put you in the position of a sufferer - a victim.
You see yourself as a victim of the system, the school, the state, the assignment you should be working on. You deliver yourself unto their power. You submit to a simple dichotomy: I HAVE to do this or I SHOULD FEEL like shit. I HAVE to do this, so I MUST suffer and accept the infringement of my freedom.
Well, let me tell you something that just about changed my life when I fully, deeply and profoundly realized the truth behind these words:
YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO SHIT.
…or a bit more eloquently put:
You’re the one in control.
No, honestly. You are.
If you wanted to, you could throw it all into the wind, take the next train to nowhere and see where life takes you. But do you want to do that? And, the even bigger question: why do you feel SO powerless that this small, stupid act of rebellion against The System is enough to intoxicate you SO much that you keep coming back to suckle on its sweet, sweet bitter nectar?
It’s because you feel trapped. It’s because you feel lost. It’s because you feel like you have so much potential and it’s all going to FUCKING waste and if somebody were to just give you a FUCKING hand you could really show everybody just how much you can FUCKING do and-
-let me stop you right there and let me ask you 4 questions:
QUESTION 1) You keep going on and on about how intelligent you are …but what’s the use of your intelligence if you can’t use it to improve your own life?
If you’re anything like me, you find it very easy and rewarding to help other people with their problems. You easily see the roots of problems and the ways that conflicts could be resolved. You’re an excellent trouble-shooter and a strategist in video games and for your friends… but what about your own life? Why do you ACCEPT playing the role of the victim in your own life?
Why do you accept this suffering?
Long story short: because you’ve grown used to it.
You’ve forgotten what it feels like to make active choices, to exert your full agency and to take full responsibility for whatever mess might come of it. Leading me to…
Question 2) You keep going on and on about how intelligent you are… but what’s the use of your intelligence if you don’t take anything seriously?
Be honest: when was the last time you took anything seriously and gave it your all? …no? Nothing?
Well, if you’re anything like me, I’m sure you know the neat excuse of “eh, I was just winging it, but if I REALLY tried-” and do you know what that is? It’s cowardice and it’s self-victimization.
I know I’m coming on very strong. But the truth is this: I know this. I know this because I’ve been living this. I’ve been living a second-hand life that I allowed to be ruled by “the system” and guilt and made-up obligations …and I almost lost myself in the process.
Maybe you can realize it with me: It’s some time ago, I wake up in the middle of the night and randomly feel like taking an IQ test online. I’m still half-asleep, I roll onto my stomach, I don’t even sit up, I meander my way through the questions. Shit. I realize that time is running out and I haven’t even finished ¾ of the questions! I panick. I feel guilty. I finally sit up. I start trying harder. I’m getting faster and faster - faster than I ever thought possible. And despite 5 minutes of good effort - I fail. Hard. And as I sit there in my dark room, my unbelievably sucky result glowing on the screen of my mobile phone and I look out of the window, I realize: this has been my life for the past 5 years. Winging stuff at not even 50% of my capacity and being hurt by the results. Honestly, when WAS the last time I took anything really seriously?
The next day, I get 8 hours of sleep, sit down in front of my laptop with a bottle of water, search for the most professional IQ test I can find and concentrate from the very beginning. I score 30 points higher.
Let me repeat that: I scored 30 points higher on an IQ test because I actually tried. Magical things can happen if you take stuff seriously.
Leading us to
Question 3) You keep going on and on about how intelligent you are… but when was the last time your intelligence has brought you joy?
Maybe you’re familiar with the phrase “The burnt child dreads the fire”? When I thought back on my academic progress in the last years, I realized that there really hadn’t been much joy anywhere. Pretty much everything had sucked.
Of course I wouldn’t want to invest my energy into something that didn’t yield any good results … right?
Wrong. Mylack of good results was only an indicator for the real problem: my lack of effort. The simple truth is this: We are smart. We enjoy doing what we are good at. We enjoy hard mental work, REGARDLESS of the results. But once I started to focus too much on the results and thought it was all about having a great CV and min-maxing my grades… I just didn’t have fun anymore. I didn’t allow myself to have fun anymore. To disappear into a world of thoughts like I used to as a child. To invest way too much time into a project, to have an absolute BLAST creating something complex and outstanding and super cool.
Bringing us to…
Question 4) You keep going on and on about how intelligent you are… but can you really create something extraordinary?
See that’s the thing: when I was a child, I didn’t just take school seriously. I wanted to go the extra mile. And honestly? That was the whole secret. I wanted to create something that wasn’t just special but mind-blowingly special. It’s not like I knew I had it in me, but rather that I wanted grow to have more and more in me and I knew that the only way to do that was to challenge myself again and again. That’s the difference between viewing your intelligence and your capabilities as stagnant or growing. There is no joy and no truth in regarding yourself as stagnant - the best of violin players started out sounding like a dying cat and the best athletes kept stumbling. If you want to create and become something extraordinary, you need to know that it will not happen overnight. You need to know that it will be a slow, hard and challenging hike up a hill and the only thing that keeps you climbing is your willingness to go the extra mile so you can see the view become more and more beautiful.
The real pleasure of studying is not getting good results and bragging rights - that’s just a cool side-effect. The real pleasure of studying is studying and that means working and knowing that working gets you one step ahead one step at a time.
So HOW can you change? HOW can you regain control? How can you consciously go from limbo to flow? First of all:
1) RECLAIM YOUR RESPONSIBILITY AND YOUR PASSION
The first thing I tell myself in the morning is “My life is in my hands.” That’s not always an easy sentence to start with, especially if I haven’t slept well or if I’m sick or in the middle of a fight or an existential crisis or just crabby. But it’s always true. It’s MY life and it’s my responsibility to make the best of it.
One poem in particular has really helped me, so who knows, maybe it’ll help some of you guys as well:
No matter how deep the sadness or wide the pain, I vow to live for a brighter day will come again.
No matter how many mistakes I’ve made in the past, I vow to live and in the future avoid them, surefooted and fast.
No matter how many tragedies beyond my control take place, I vow to live and stay my course within this race.
No matter how poor or rich I may ever be, I vow to live and aspire to search for the dignity in simplicity.
No matter how much a lover may pierce the inner core of my heart, I vow to live for like spring I’ll get a new start.
No matter how isolated and alone I may feel, I vow to live and do something for someone else to heal.
No matter how hopeless my situation my appear, I vow to live and reflect until my viewpoint is clear.
No matter what happens in this life – good or bad I vow to live, do my best, and just for living – be glad.
– Malcolm O. Varner
If you want to find pleasure in studying again, you need to embrace your own passion. I know it’s a lot “cooler” to be indifferent towards studying, to procrastinate, to do it almost out of spite and at the last minute. But is it really? No one wins. It’s not rewarding. It’s not fulfilling. You’ll have forgotten it in a week. It just sucks for everyone involved. Love what you do. Love it like you would a lover. Be considerate, be tender and be patient. It must not feel like an obligation. It must feel like a passion - a fiery want for new horizons, mentals fireworks and lightbulb moments. It must come from yourself, from your bowels, your fibres, your blood - not from some ominous outside force.
“I have to do this.” -> “I want to do this!” “I’m losing time. There is so much I have to do, I want to be done with this already.” -> “I want to give this my time. This is absolutely worth it. I really want to be doing this right now.” “Be fast. Be faster.” -> “Slow down. Be patient. Cherish this moment.” “This is hard. I hate it. I hate it so much.” -> “This is challenging. I love it. I love it so much.” “I can make this perfect, it has to be perfect! I could give this my all, I can give this my all. If I’m not giving this my all, I’m a complete and utter failure. Better not try at all rather than screwing it up. Again.” -> “This is a work-in-progress, just like anything else. I am sure I can improve it bit by bit, by devoting some of my time to it. Even if I don’t get very far today, I’m sure the experience will pay off in the long run and I might find some unrelated ideas for other projects!”
You must go from this:
2) MAKE ACTIVE CHOICES.
(Like, maybe make the choice NOT to wear that speedo)
Because that’s really what it comes down to in the end: CHOICE. Nobody actively chooses to procrastinate. Procrastination is the absence of choice.
Years of little to no success make you feel like your choices don’t matter -> you feel like you cannot influence anything -> you might as well not try -> you procrastinate. But here’s the thing: your choices DO matter (DITCH that speedo!) and you must regain that trust in yourself.
We NEED to be able to make choices about their own lives. It makes us feel powerfuland like we are truly alive. It makes us feel like we are, you guessed it, in the flow.
Now, of course it’d be nice if I told you “Make conscious choices sweaty <3 ;*” and you’d go out and do it and that was it. But, truth be told, it’s hella hard to get there and it will take you at least a year of constant effort. For me, this year meant constantly asking myself “Wait, do I REALLY want to do this right now?” and establishing a neat rule for all media consumption that goes “Always enrichment, never escape”. But, as I said, that’s a work-in-progress and something that you will have to work on in your own time and at your own pace. Luckily, I found a shortcut :D
Now, the shortcut does not replace the year of constant effort, mind you, but it can help to make it a lot easier:
THE STUDY ROOM
What’s the “Study Room”? Well… You might have been wondering what the title “Layer Yourself to Merge Yourself” is all about. This was my thought process:
1) I want to get from limbo to flow
2) And I want studying to feel like a reward in and of itself
3) And it’d be nice if I could concentrate on just spinning one wheel at a time, so I can really lose myself in it
4) I also want it to be a conscious choice, so I can train my decision-making process
…”fake it till you make it” or what, haha?
….I guess what that really means is that you have to act like you’re already there until you’re there?
…so, like, you have to artifically induce naturalness?
…haha, wouldn’t it be neat if I could do that and “transform” into my “study-form” like the Avatar or a magical girl or a superhero or something?
…wait. Wait. WAIT. What if I COULD?
What if there was a “me” that was specifically always in the flow and already loves and is good at studying and which I only access whenever I want to study?
So I create a new “me”, so that, over time, we can become one again and I can change into that “me” whenever I want?
I could always go to a special place, but that would limit me whenever that place wasn’t availabe.
…..what if it was a place I could ALWAYS access?
…what if it was a place in my MIND?
And that’s how the “Study Room” was born. Below, I will detail the journey to my personal “study room”, but I wager that everybody’s study room will look a little different depending on what makes you feel most comfortable, rational and “in the flow”.
STEP 1 - DETACH FROM LIMBO
Close your eyes. Lean back. Do it with me now. Consider this your tutorial. Bring yourself to a screeching halt, throw an anchor into the the ground of the stormy sea, pull the brakes, just - stop. Stop. Slow down. Close your eyes, lean back, keep your eyes closed for a good minute - god, how long a minute can be, right?- and feel your breathing consciously, slowly, feel how you are alive and full of hunger, feel how your heart beats, feel how much tension has built up inside of you, how much energy has been stored and how much you actually ache to do something meaningful. Feel it. Keep your eyes closed until you feel it. Then, come back to me.
STEP 2 - BECOME AWARE OF REALITY
I don’t know if you’ll need this step, but I live very much inside my head and limbo just makes that effect even stronger. So, I like to remind myself of my physicality, of my spatial realness, of my ability to perceive and interact with the world in this step. I re-connect with the world and it slows me down even more - it’s a bit like hooking myself into this world, so limbo can’t claim me so easily. I drink a glass of water, I eat a carrot, I touch a cold tile, I feel the texture of a pillow, I play with my own hair - if I’m in public, like in a library, I usually just brush over my lips or grip the table unobtrusively. It’s a small step, one that usually doesn’t take longer than 10 seconds, but it’s one that has helped me a lot.
(When I’m really caught up in limbo, I usually lie down on the floor in my room. That works wonders)
STEP 3 - ENTER YOUR STUDY PLACE
At this point, I close my eyes again and visualize. I enter another world, the world of studying in my mind.
STEP 3A - THE DOOR
My eyes are still closed and imagine a dark, circular room: this is the entrance to my Study Room ™. I stand in the middle of the room - there is one door right in front of me, two to my left and two to my right. I have no idea what’s behind those other doors or why my imagination has conjured up a room like that, but hey, it works and here we are. I gather all my concentration and repeat “My life is in my hands. I take on the responsibility for my own life. I WANT to learn. I CHOOSE this.” to myself. Then, I consciously choose to walk in only one direction, channeling all my thoughts into a straight line: towards the door right in front of me. I enter through it - somehow, I never have to actually open it, so it might be more like an open doorway?
STEP 3B - THE WATER
I step through the door and find myself in a space filled with water. I have absolutely no trouble breathing and I can easily swim, turn, glide and spiral like a dolphin. The water washes the last remnants of limbo off me, I feel my tensions washing away, my mind waking up, the wheel starting to move, my chest feeling lighter, my heart feeling hotter, my breathing going slow and steady. I swim in this liminal space for as long as I need to, I revel, I breathe, I wallow, I luxuriate until I feel ready to emerge from the water. (wonder what psychologists would say about this little ritual - is it a literal re-birth? is this the womb? who knows? it works and that’s good enough for me right now …now that I think about it, that beach scene from Gravity might have been an inspiration. Man, I loved that movie already, but that ending?? Aaaaanyway, moving on…)
STEP 3C - THE WORLD
Then, I swim upwards and emerge from the water, head-first. The sun is warm and shines on my head and I step out of the water with bare feet, toes curling around grass and my lungs breathing in fresh forest air. Somewhere, a bird is singing, white clouds are languidly drifting by, all is warm, comfortable and good. I sit down on a giant mushroom by a tree (hey, don’t ask me, I don’t know), take a last deep breath and put pen to paper. At this point, I open my eyes in the real world. I am completely relaxed, a thousand miles away from limbo, in another dimension even, calm and happy to engage with questions and wonders.
I’m in the flow.
In this world, I am a different me. A “study-me”. In time, this me and I will merge again and we have already merged quite a bit. My walk through the Study Room process has become faster and faster and I am quite certain that, in time, it won’t take longer than a fraction of a second and it will seem like I can switch my flow on and off again like I used to. My study wheel is rolling again.
But if yours isn’t just yet, then …this is it. This is how, this is why and this is the very moment I re-connect with my “study values”, my passion and my agency, again and again and I choose to do it. Again. And again.
It is, really, all about choice.
And that’s the advantage I have over the old me. The old me studied because I didn’t know anything else and because I thought that I had to. The me right now chooses to study because I want to. And that makes it ten times more effective, more freeing and more fun.
So run wild, enjoy, actively enter that world of studying in your head, no matter what yours might look like (rain? palm trees? other planet? go bonkers!), it’s about choosing this and wanting this. It is about YOU saying “Yes, there are other interesting things and wheels out there, but right here, right now, I want this, nothing else and I will give it all of myself for as long as I want to.”
As you might have guessed by the gifs, I really recommend watching Free! Iwatobi Swim Club if you’re interested in overcoming procrastination. (I swear I’m not sponsored by KyoAni, but for all their other shortcomings, their characters always have amazing character arcs when it comes to professionalism and passions) Both Rin and Haru are caught in their own versions of limbo and following Rin’s journey in Season 1 and Haru’s journey in Season 2 really helped me realize a lot of things about my own life and about how I dealt with passion, talent and my career.
The last part of this series will include a Q&A,so if there is something you didn’t quite understand or are unsure about, something you’d like to add or recommend to others, something you’d like me to explain in more detail or demonstrate through other examples, please, just write me a message (my inbox is absolutely open!) and I will answer it in Part 5 :)
Thank you for coming along on this ride! I hope some of my thoughts could help you and please, do let me know if my methods work for you - I’d love to know! :D
Summary: You Facetime Tom after finding out from fans he cut his hair. Your phone was off while you were landing home from a flight.
Warnings: SWEARING LIKE ALWAYS :)
Word Count: 1,700+
A/N: 400 more till 3k!! I love you all so much :)
I turn 21 in 2 months c: Which means I can buy alcohol, meaning I CAN WRITE FREQUENT SMUT IF YOU GUYS WOULD LIKE CAUSE I LOVE SMUT
“So how was your trip?” Your mom asks happily through the phone. Reaching for your bag out of the carrier you tell her to hold on. Sometimes she calls you at the worst times. She onetime called you while Tom and you were having sex and wouldn’t stop calling till you picked up. Your mother was relentless sometimes.
“It went well mom, I’m just back to be in London” admitting the truth with a smile on your face. You loved it here because you got to live with the love of your life.
“How’s Tom doing? Anything new since Spider-Man Homecoming?” she absolutely adored Tom, she claims he’s the best you’ve had out of the guys you’ve dated.
“Yes he’’s actually working on another film, he’s been gone for two weeks while I was away as well so we’re both out and about” you explain as you walk down the plane aisle. You could hear her talking to your dad about Tom. Mentally wondering why she just doesn’t put you on speaker so he can hear too.
“Hey I’m going to go so I can focus okay? Plus Nikki is picking me up from the airport with Tessa” Saying your goodbyes you hang up your phone. Slipping your phone into your purse you make your way out of the gate. The sound of your suitcase clicking against the bumps in the carpet.
Walking past people to head towards the baggage claim. Looking at the time on your Apple Watch you walk a little faster. Nikki said she would be here at a certain time and you didn’t like making people wait. Turning the corner you go down the escalator descending to the baggage claim.
Hearing a bark makes you search the crowd of people. A little grey blob pushes people out of the way. Nikki’s red hair standing out as she took off after Tessa. Opening your arms you get tackled by your favorite dog in the world. Her tongue laps at your face making you giggle.
“Tessa my love, I missed you so much” her body wiggling in your arms as you tried calming her down. People were looking at the interaction the two of you were having. Grabbing her leash you stand back up.
Nikki opens her arms to you which you gladly take her hug. She gives the best hugs in the damn world. Letting you go she kisses both of your cheeks , she’s like a second mom. Tugging your free hand she pulls you along. She took your extra suitcase even though you tried to take it but she insisted. Leaving thankfully no one was outside, if Tom was with you it would have been a lot worse. He draws big crowds full of his loving fans.
“c’mon Tessa lets get in the car” opening the door for her she jumps inside. Taking your backpack and purse off you set them on the floor of the car. You hear clicking sounds and turn around to see people with cameras.
Getting in the car you close the door annoyed with the cameras. You don’t know how Tom does it all the time, it’s got to be truly exhausting having your every move watched. Even his family has to deal with it. Nikki tells you to ignore them and starts the car pulling out of the parking spot. Tessa jumps back onto the seat and lays down next to you.
Smiling down at her you place your hand on her head. Your thumb stroking her head slowly to her ears and repeating it. Watching as her eyes closed from your touch. God you love her so much, probably more than Tom.
Taking your phone out you see notifications pop up. Clicking on them you see Tom’s tweet and your heart stops. Going to his Instagram you see he hasn’t posted anything. Clicking on his tagged photos you see his fans posts. Scrolling through they’re all freaking about his Bye Bye Hair tweet.
Exiting the Instagram app you open your messages and clicking on Tom’s name. Looking at the messages waiting for some sort of explanation. Typing and retyping the message you want to send. Normally he keeps you updated but he hasn’t said a damn thing. When he does that you start to feel like a fan yourself and freak out.
So what’s with the tweet, care to spill the secret like you do with every Marvel secret?
Locking your phone you know it’d be a while to get a message back if he was on set. The ride home was filled with conversation about your trip. The two of you talked as Tessa slept peacefully. Nikki told you stories about the boys and how mischievous they’ve been. She says Paddy has been getting into the sweets more and has grown a sweet tooth recently.
Checking your phone you see there’s still no text back. You ask Nikki and she explains she has no clue. Apparently Tom hasn’t even told her which she thought was odd. You knew it was very odd because he’s such a momma’s boy.
Nikki drops you off at Toms and helps you with your stuff. After you and Tessa are all settled she tells you to come over for dinner. Apparently Harry has been working on something and wants the family to see. He knew you were coming back into town so he told Nikki to tell you since you’re practically family.
Hugging Nikki goodbye you shut the door behind her as she leaves. Picking your phone off the table you see notifications again. Some were from Harrison and your friends messaging you. The messages consisted of screenshots asking why Tom was cutting his hair. Your thoughts get interrupted by your ringtone you made for Tom. It was him saying quackson.
C’mon angel don’t be like that, let me give you a call xx
Rolling your eyes you connect your phone to the charger. Your phone starts ringing flashing ‘Meme King wants to FaceTime.’ Clicking the answer you see Tom relaxing with a hood on his head. Normally his curls peep out which make you narrow your eyes trying to see his curls. His smile distracting as he cheers happily to see your face.
“Ah there’s my beautiful girl, I’ve missed you darling” his voice making your heart ache, you miss him so much.
“Hey baby, I’ve missed you more..” you pout looking at him snuggle deeper into the couch. You could hear Harrison in the background talking. Tessa’s tags jingle as she jumps onto the L shaped couch.
“There’s my little one! I love you Tessa soooo much” Tom cooed into the screen making a kiss face.
“Tom so are you going to tell me what that tweet was about?” You ask turning the screen back to you. The seriousness in your face made his smile fall.
“I uh.. well I can’t keep it a secret from you anymore” He pulls the hood revealing his hair of cur.. there are no curls. Just short hair that he fixed with his hand. Your jaw dropping at the sight because last night you talked to him and all the curls were there.
“Christ, you don’t like it do you” Tom sits up fixing the angle he had the screen at. You were in shock because you haven’t seen Tom with short hair, the only pictures you’ve seen are from when he was little. Nikki likes to show you pictures from her archive whenever you see her.
“N-No baby, I’m just thrown off is all.. you look very handsome I’m just going to miss the curls” you give him a smile as you see his features relax. Did he really care that much about what you thought of his hair?
“I know how you like gripping onto them when I go down on you” he sighs tilting his head back. Your cheeks tinting pink from what he just said.
“Oi! I’m right here and you’re going to talk to her in front of me like that man? you two are like rabbits” Harrison’s voice fills your ears making you face palm yourself. God dammit Thomas.
“It’s the truth so now she has to wait for them to grow back” Tom defends himself laughing at his best friend. Harrison pops up behind Tom flipping you and him off.
“Awww Hazeroonie don’t be mad you don’t have a sex life” you tease sticking your tongue out. Harrison lets out a small scream taking off out of the frame.
“Okay yeah I’m definitely going to miss your curls now” you sigh thinking of the last time you two were alone together. Your thighs clamping together tightly at the thought.
“I’ll be home when I can love, I’ll FaceTime you every night till were together.. then when I’m home you can give me some personal FaceTime” his smirk making your heart rate pick up again.
“PLEASE GET A ROOM THOMAS” Tom’s head is then hit with a pillow causing him to drop his phone. In the background you hear the two getting into a little fist fight. Knowing them they’re going to sound like children any second with their banter.
“cut it out you twat I’m talking to my girl right now” Tom huffs after a slap sounds echoes through the air. The phone is kicked around making the room look like it’s spinning.
“Ow don’t pull my hair!” Harrison whines followed by a thud. Laughter filling the air making you sigh. These two were actual children.
Tom picks up his phone that fell from before. Harrison says he’s going to the store leaving the two of you alone. The two of you talk about how long it will be till you see each other again. It was hard while he’s away but you really enjoyed these FaceTime calls. It was the only time you’d see him when he wasn’t busy and it made the wait worth it.
Hi love! IDK if you will reply, but may I ask for some angsty Viktuuri fics? HIT ME WITH UR BEST SHOT 💜
YOU GUYS ARE KILLING ME WITH THIS ANGST… but I’m trash for angst so I’m not even mad. Get ready for lots pain and some amazing writing!
Until My Feet Bleed and My Heart Aches by Reiya, Explicit, 147k (WIP) Pretty sure everyone’s read this one… but if you haven’t, do! Rivals AU where Yuuri’s main goal, ever since he was a child, is to beat Victor and win the GPF. SO MUCH ANGST (like, so much) and deliciously hot, hot, hot! You might die from reading this… it’s that good. My personal favourite!
Submerge by cryingoverspilledvodka, Mature, 38k The pining and angst is real in this one! Full of angry Yuuri and an equally frustrated Victor. Takes place after their first argument. Relationships aren’t easy, and Victor and Yuuri are no exception.
On My Love by RikoJasmine, Teen, 48k (WIP) Time travel AU where Yuuri and Victor are happy aged and married, but an accident occurs and suddenly Yuuri wakes up back in Detroit, in a time before he had even met Victor. Yuuri competes against him again, a completely different skater this time. Amazing fic!
Between us by Vitavili, Mature, 169k Love hurts. Love heals. Sometimes it’s really easy to love. Sometimes it feels like hell. You can forget to love yourself because you are too busy with loving someone else. Stunning fic with heavy angst but a happy ending.
Gods of Circumstance by Ritequette, Mature, 17k (WIP) During his Free Program at the 2016 Barcelona Grand Prix Finals, Yuuri suffers a freak equipment malfunction and falls, hitting his head on the ice. When he wakes up, he’s back at the 2015 Sochi GPF. Get ready for angst, angst, and more angst. Thumbs up!
Break the Cycle by SigmundFreud, Explicit, 26k College AU where ex boyfriends Yuuri and Victor can’t stay away from each other. LOTS of mutual pining, arguments, miscommunication, and, of course, angst. Thumbs up!
“let’s (not) end this” by YuuriVityaNyan (NarryEm), Not Rated, 1.7k It’s as though Viktor’s world came crumbling down. All that they have built up to in the last eight months: gone. Okay, this physically hurt me to read this… like it’s pure angst… that’s it…
Never Enough by ireallyloveicecream, Mature, 35k All Katsuki Yuuri wanted was skate on the same ice as rising star Viktor Nikforov. But when his dream comes true and they meet, his awe for him mutates into a cut-throat motivation for retaliation, sending the two of them into a rivalry that should’ve burned into the history of figure skating. Intense rivals AU!
Hold Me Tight by smudgesofink, Teen, 11k To say that Victor is touchy-feely is the understatement of the century. So when Victor just stops touching Yuuri, without explanation, without reason, it makes for a painfully jarring experience. It’s all fluff… then goes straight into the depths of angst.. *cries*
but all they ever, by webbedfeet, Gen, 3.7k Yuuri could do anything for Victor’s sake, even if what he had to say felt like ripping out his own heart and tearing it to pieces. He just never thought he could do the same to Victor’s heart. wHY DO I PUT MYSELF THROUGH SO MUCH PAIN????
First Fight by apollosoyuz, Gen, 2.4k The first time they fought was loud and then quiet. In which Yuuri panics and blames Viktor, and Viktor doesn’t realize the impact his petty response will have on Yuuri until it’s too late. Fluffy ending!
You are very sweet as well! Hope you like this! ^^
MC comforts RFA + Saeran
always so honest and direct about everything.
it’s easy to tell when he’s sad since he tends to shut down
he’s like this, your first thought is recurring to the obvious methods: beer,
cigarettes or teasing the beast.
it doesn’t work, wow… he’s really down, huh? You’re getting hurt by seeing him
though he’s upset and frustrated, he would still never ignore you. So when you
ask him to go help you with something in the rooftop, he promptly goes.
you look above and say: “The stars are beautiful tonight… remember the first
time you brought me here? I was so happy you were opening up and telling
everything on your mind… I love when you open up to me.” Take the hint, Hyun…
just sighs, and your heart aches. “So much has happened a few days after that
night, huh? So many bad things you overcame, Hyun…” you place your hand on top
right, a lot has happened. And he overcame all of that, but he didn’t do it
alone, you helped him.
you will help him again, right?
tries to hide it from you as much as he can, because he doesn’t want to worry
he not saying anything and spacing out when he thinks you’re not looking only
makes you get more worried.
could offer to play some LOLOL with him, but… he doesn’t play LOLOL much these
you can think of a million things you could do like going out to the movies, ask
him to help you cook some new dish or buying him small things that make you
remember him like a comic book or a new hairpin.
if nothing works, time to go for the simplest and most effective measure:
just hug him and place your legs between his on the couch and his eyes
immediately change, gleaming lightly
rest your head on his lap, and boy is even smiling softly running his fingers
through your hair and venting.
sure you will overcome it. You’re so mature and smart, I… almost feel like you’re
comforting me with my head on your lap like this.” Ahhh, he’s feeling so cool
after that he really feels like he can do anything!
stress can have a much stronger effect now that she’s not that used to it
it’s stress mixed to frustration, since she thinks she’s not allowed to feel
like this anymore now that she doesn’t have a strenuous job. So… why does she
still feel bad?
can read her pretty easily since it’s all over her tired features, but just
coming to her and saying “Hey, sometimes things will still suck, you know?”
doesn’t seem it will be much of a help… much on the contraire.
saying something won’t do, but what about doing something?
make her tea (get her away from coffee, just today!) give her a massage, or
bake some sweet treat like a cupcake or a muffin.
usually works, since she’s relaxed. But what about the frustration?
She watches as you moves the couch away, her
eyes widen when she sees you just put a Zen DVD with a sing-along version.
on, let’s be cheesy and just let everything go!” you beam, offering your hand
to her. And after some very embarrassing
duets, you two plop on the couch, where she finally vents to you.
that was the point, right? Jus helping her let it go?
and deep sighs. That’s all you need to hear to know something is off.
way he hugs you and leans his head on your shoulder, staying there for a while,
usually is also a sign
first moves include dismissing the chef and cooking a meal yourself, playing
with Elizabeth while he watches it or making him rest his head on your lap
while you stroke his hair and, as he requests, tell him about your day.
really loves to hear about your day, but man… can’t he tell about his so you’ll
know what’s wrong?
proceed to tell about something that bothered you. “…and that makes me feel frustrated. How would
you feel if it was with you?”
I suppose I would feel bothered as well…” “Really? Why is that?” “Because it’s
frustrating when people don’t take you seriously, for example, my father today…”
he starts venting, but always talking like it isn’t about him. Well… not ideal,
but he still has a long way in showing his emotions.
when he finishes it, you just smile and kiss his forehead. “I’m very proud of
you.” And though he has no idea why, he’s feeling… so much lighter.
so easy to tell when he’s sad.
will shut down and stay away from you, telling you he needs it before he’ll
take it on you or something.
yeah, you wouldn’t like that, but you know he won’t really snap at you. He
doesn’t do things like this anymore.
just aloof because he doesn’t want to look sad in front of you.
out for the emotional eater! Yep, he eats when he’s upset, so offering him food
and waiting for him to talk usually works
can be something you made or just the good ol’ HBC
you prefer trying to cook something, because the smell will make him get out of
his isolation and go to the kitchen.
seeing the dirty dishes in the sink, he’ll offer to help you wash it, and that
will be when he’ll talk to you.
that he’s feeling much better, he even suggests you to clean the kitchen, he
still has a few more things to say… (Vanderwood is somewhere crying with pride)
him can be super easy or super hard
on which mood he’s in.
he’s feeling clingy, he’ll ask you to take some ice cream with him, then he’ll
talk about what’s making him feel sad.
he’s grumpy, it can be a little harder, he’ll be rude and tell you to leave him
you do, personal space is what he needs the most.
leave him alone and try not to worry too much, he will calm down and come to
you at some point.
try to distract yourself as you wait, usually going to your laptop to watch funny
videos or read bizarre articles.
scroll slower! I didn’t get to read fact number 17!” he’s behind you, then you
pull manage to sit on the couch with the laptop in your lap for you to read it
after a few soft laughs, he gets serious and looks at you: “You said I could
talk when I felt like, can I?” Oh… listening to him will be way more satisfying
than any list Buzzfeed could ever make.
A/N: Man, oh man. I just can’t stay away from writing, can I? Well, at least majority of my holiday stuff’s packed. This is another fic inspired by a conversation with the lovely @chrisevans-imagines We have some very weird, but oddly inspiring conversations. Don’t we, Ava? 😂
You pushed your way through the crowd as you searched the overly packed party for your best friend, Chris, who had drunkenly called you ten times in the last hour; it was 2:19AM. He could count himself incredibly lucky that you were finishing up some paperwork at the hospital otherwise you would’ve killed him for interrupting your much needed beauty sleep. You’d been pulling quite a few late nights over the past week as you were about to take leave and go on your holiday, so things hadn’t been particularly easy on you. But you knew before you went into med-school that being a doctor wasn’t going to be easy, what you didn’t know was how much harder it was being a doctor who was best friends with Chris Evans; a man who had the equivalent energy of his puppy, Dodger. If you weren’t so in-love with him, he wouldn’t get away with half the things he put you through. But you were, so here you were at the party.
“Hello beautiful.” An arm hooked around your waist and pulled you into him; you groaned and pushed the drunken stranger off you. “Geez, lighten up!” He called after you as you disappeared further into the room. If you didn’t find Chris in the next five minutes, you were outta there.
“Hell yeah I’ll get it in!” You heard Chris’ voice and you followed it, chuckling when you found him by the ping pong table. “Don’t you worry, I'mma get it into that cup.” He bounced the ball off the table and balanced it on the back of his hand as he swallowed another gulp of his beer. “Watch me nail this th-” He spotted you and his smile tenfold. “Y/N, you came!” He downed his drink and tossed both ball and red solo cup aside before making his way to you, waving off the protests that came from the other players. “Sorry guys, I’m done. My girl’s here,” he draped an arm around you and pulled you closer to him.
“I’m not your girl, Evans.” You reminded him, but made no effort to push him away from you like you had with the other guy; you were very glad that the dim lights hid your deeply flushed cheeks. “I’m just here to make sure you don’t drink and drive, the last thing I need is to be called back in because someone got into a car accident.”
“Awww,” he cooed, squeezing you tightly against him. “Was someone worried about little old me?” You rolled your eyes, but failed to hide your smile. “Don’t be, my best friend’s a very good doctor. She’s very pretty too, like- she could be on Grey’s Anatomy.” He slurred then grinned when he heard you chuckle. “And that’s you,” he booped your nose, “I’m talking about you.”
“I know, and I’m talking about me too when I say I’ve had a very long night and I’m ready to go home.” He nodded with furrowed brows, really trying to process your words. “C'mon,” you wrapped an arm around his waist and directed him towards the exit, “you’re crashing at my place tonight. I’m not leaving you here when someone could literally tap beer out of you.”
“Yes!” He cheered. “I love your apartment, it smells like Christmas because of all the candles you have.” You hummed in acknowledgement at his drunk thoughts. “Hey, you know what’s really funny?” He didn’t wait for a response. “When I read your texts, I read it in an Australian accent because you’re from Australia. I do the same with Chris Hemsworth’s,” he told you then laughed to himself. “G'day mate,” he mimicked a tradition Australia greeting then laughed again.
“I’ve never once texted that to you, nor have I said that to you,” you chuckled. “And since when do I have an Australian accent? I’ve been living in America since I was eighteen, and you know I watch too much American television and too many Hollywood films to have an Australian accent.” The two of you found your way out of the party and into the much emptier parking lot where you car waited patiently. “But then again,” you glanced at him, “you are very wasted, so I won’t hold that against you.”
“Chuck a shrimp on the barbie,” he continued mocking the Australia accent and laughed when you did. “You’re right,” he returned to his normal accent as he pulled away from you, “you don’t sound like that.” He moved in front of you and took your hands in his, smiling like a love sick idiot which made your heart flutter despite knowing it didn’t mean what you wanted it to. “You sound perfect because you are perfect and I love you.”
“I love you too,” you responded with a chuckle, ignoring that ache in your heart. This wasn’t the first time he’d told you he loved you while he was drunk, in fact- he said it all the time when he was sober too. But it wasn’t the confession you longed for, it was just another platonic expression of affection that you shoved aside with your true feelings. “Let’s get you in bed, shall we?” You tried to pull your hands away only to have him tightened his grip.
“No,” he shook his head, furrowing his eyebrows. “You don’t understand, Y/N. I love you,” he said again in a more serious tone that made you sigh. As much as you wanted to reciprocate that feeling and kiss him, you couldn’t take anything he said seriously when he was drunk. Even if you did believe that drunk minds spoke for a sober heart, it was Chris; he was your best friend and you couldn’t ruin that friendship over a drunken slur of the moment. “I want to be with you,” he told you and pulled his hands away to cup your face.
“Chris, no,” you turned away when he started to lean in, taking a small step back. “We’re not going to do this.” You frowned when he did. “You’re drunk, I don’t want-” you cut yourself off before you said more than you should. “Let’s just go home, okay?” You brushed past him and headed for you car, stopping when he called out.
“I’m sober enough to have this conversation!” He walked in front of you with a frown on his face. “I’ve been trying to tell you I love you since the moment I met you, Y/N. But you keep brushing me off, like you think I’m not worth your time.”
“Chris-” you couldn’t believe you made him feel that way.
“Am I not good enough for you?” He asked then asked again before you could get a word in, “are you holding out for another doctor?” You opened your mouth to speak only to get cut off again, “what is it, Y/N? Why won’t you give me a chance?!” He growled and you flinched. “I don’t understand,” he shook his head, his pretty blues glistened with tears. “I’m not an idiot- I can see the way you look at me, so why won’t you be with me?”
“Chris,” you sighed as you took his hand in yours. “I didn’t know you felt that way about me, I honestly thought that you were fine with us just being friends.” He didn’t say anything, he just squeezed your hand ever so gently. “That’s why I didn’t say anything- that’s why I brushed you off. I figured you were joking, it’s not because I don’t think you’re worth my time.”
“Do you realize how long I’ve been waiting for you?” He asked with a breathless chuckle. “From the moment we met- I’ve wanted to be with you. I was just so terrified I wasn’t good enough, that you wouldn’t want to be with an actor so- I took it slow, I started out by being your friend. But God,” he started to cry and your heart ached, “it hurt seeing you with other people. It sucked saying I love you when you didn’t know how much,” his hand tightened around yours. “I’ve wasted so much of my life not being your other half and I hate it, Y/N.”
“You are my other half, Chris,” you caressed his face with your other hand and brushed the tears rolling down his cheek. “I love you too. I’m so in-love with you that it’s ridiculous,” you told him and he smiled. “There is no one I’d rather see at the end of the day than you. You are my person, you are all I see when I look towards the future,” you assured him. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I’m sorry-” He pulled you into his arms and kissed you, cutting you off in the best possible way.
“Wow,” you let out a breathless laugh when he broke the kiss, pressing his forehead against yours.
“Yeah,” he chuckled softly, rubbing small circles into your sides, “I should’ve done that years ago.”
OK BUT LIKE HOW DID WE GET SO BLESSED TO SEE OUT OTP GO THROUGH THESE INCREDIBLE THINGS BECAUSE LIKE THIS IS FUCKING EPIC ROMANCE TERRITORY AND I AM SO FUCKINGEMOTIONAL BUT LIKE OK LOOK
I LOVE EMMA SWAN LOL AND HOW HER INSTANT REACTION IS LIKE THE FUCK?
ALL HAIL THE MAGIC CONCH
T B H
HER FACCEEEE SHE’S HEARING HIS VOICEEE
AND THIS ASSHOLE. I AM SO MAD AT HIM AND HIS PERFECTNESS. HE LOVES HER SO FUCKING MUCH I WILL BREAK MY KEYBOARD I SWEAR ONE OF THESE DAYS BECAUSE I LOVE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH.
AND IMMEDIATELY, LIKE HE DOESN’T EVEN FUCKING KNOW IF SHE’S LISTENING OR WHAT AND HE JUST HOPES. LIKE THE TIME HE GAVE UP HIS FUCKING SHIP FOR A HOPE TO SEE HER. THIS MAN LOVES HER SO MUCH, IT IS A PERMANENT ACHE UPON MY SOUL.
I WOULD NEVER LEAVE YOU. I WAS COMING BACK TO YOU LIKE WHAT IN THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS WHY DO I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. HOW CAN YOU LOVE HER SO MUCH YOU ASSHOLE.
AND SHE’S LIKE IMMEDIATELY IN TEARS BECAUSE FUCK ALL SHE WAS GONNA MOVE ON. MOVE ON MY ASS TBH. SHE WAS TRYING SO HARD TO DO IT THOUGH BECAUSE IT WAS HURTING SO MUCH BUT THE RELIEF IN HER FACE AND THE TEARS AND I AM JUST A PUDDLE LEAVE ME HERE
I LOVE YOU HE SAID. HIS VOICE CRACKED AND HE’S JUST DESPERATE AND HOPING AND TELLING HER HE LOVES HER WITHOUT KNOWING IF SHE’S EVEN HEARING HIM AND IT HURTS ME SO FUCKING MUCH I CAN’T EVEN DEAL WITH THIS NONSENSE
AND HER FACE AND THE RELIEVED SOB AND THE FACT THAT SHE WASN’T WRONG TO TRUST HIM AND THAT SHE ISN’T GONNA BE ALONE AND THAT SHE WAS RIGHT IN HER LOVE AND HE LOVES HER HE LOVES HER HE LOVES HERRR
AND I’M TRYING TO GET HOME TO YOU LIKE OH MY GODDDDDD WHAT AHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME WITH YOUR VOICE AND YOUR FACE AND YOUR LOVE FOR EMMA SWAN WHAT IS THIS WHYYYY
I LOVE YOU TOOOOO SHE SAYS AND I AM JUST SO IN AWE OF THIS SCENE BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT EVEN NEAR EACH OTHER AND I FEEL THEIR LOVE AS THOUGH IT WERE A TANGIBLE THING AND I AM IN SUCH PAIN AND SO EMOTIONAL AND I CANNOT EVEN UGH I LOVE HER AND HIM AND HOW SHE LOVES HIM AND HE LOVES HER
AND THIS FACE BECAUSE HE CAN’T HEAR HER LIKE THE FUCKING LEVELS OF ANGST JUST WENT SO HIGH UP AND I AM FEELING SO MANY EMOTIONS AND IT IS WONDERFUL BECAUSE LIKE THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW A STORY HAS TOUCHED YOU BECAUSE I LITERALLY CANNOT STOP SCREAMING RN BUT ALSO THE FUCKING FUCK HOW DARE YOU SIR? HOE DARE?
AND SHE’S TRYING TO LET HIM KNOW THAT HE IS LOVED TOO. THESE TWO LONELY HUMANS HAVE FOUND ONE ANOTHER TO LOVE AND THEY’RE STUMBLING THROUGH THE WHOLE THING BUT FUCK IF THEY DON’T LOVE EACH OTHER WITH EVERYTHING THEY HAVE AND IT MAKES ME HURT IN MY TINY HEART
LOOK AT HER FACE AND HOW MUCH SHE IS TRYING OH MY GODDD
ALSO LIKE YOU KNOW YOUR OTP HAS REACHED EPIC ROMANCE LEVELS WHEN THE BIG BAD OF THE SEASON SPECIFICALLY TARGETS ONE HALF OF YOUR OTP TO GET TO THE OTHER HALF WHILE THEY’RE BOTH FIGHTING TOOTH AND NAIL TO GET BACK TO ONE ANOTHER.
CAN WE FUCKING SAY EPIC ROMANCE THOUGH?
IT’S AMAZING LIKE I AM IN PAIN AND YET I AM HAPPY BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH THEY LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND I AM EXCITED TO SEE THEM FIGHT FOR EACH OTHER AND I JUST NEED A HUG
I haven’t had too much time to read fics this week due to exams!
Masquerade by Ashida, Explicit (WIP) Yuuri is part of Japan’s most notorious mafias. Victor is the head of the Russian mafia. After brief meetings throughout the span of five years, they decide to go off together and leave everything behind. I AM OBSESSED WITH THIS FIC!
Until My Feet Bleed and My Heart Aches by Reiya, Explicit (WIP) Rivals AU where Yuuri’s main goal, ever since he was a child, is to beat Victor and win the GPF. SO MUCH ANGST (like, so much) and deliciously hot, hot, hot! You might die from reading this… it’s that good. JUST UPDATED TODAY!
in need of melted marshmallow cuddles by Hitsugi_Zirkus, Gen “Viktor. You’re Russian. How is it that you’re always so easily cold and– Wait,” Yuuri’s eyes fell onto Viktor’s bundled up form under the comforter, “are you wearing my jackets? How many layers have you got on?” SNUGGLES AND CUDDLES DO YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING I LOVE THIS FIC
Hashtag Perfect by phoenixwings, Gen Sometimes the insecurity that was ever-present in his youth creeps back in and hits him tenfold when he thinks about how much his body has changed. Can I get an amen for supportive boyfriend Victor Nikiforov? AMEN!
Maelstrom by feelslikefire, Explicit Victor Nikiforov is poised to win gold in his fifth consecutive Grand Prix Final. He has the world at his feet, is unparalleled in the sport–right up until a snowstorm blows into Sochi, and he finds himself repeating the same day over and over and over. He stumbles over Yuuri Katsuki, and everything changes.
(˃̶͈̀＿˂̶͈́)੭ꠥ⁾⁾( ﾉ_ಠ)₍₍ (̨̡ ‾᷄♡‾᷅ )̧̢ ₎₎
Here’s to another week of great fic reading! Be sure to give the authors some love!