it wants to eat your soul

ok so let’s talk a bit about jobs vs passion. my last fulltime job was at a big game development studio; the kind of job you’re (supposedly) passionate about. most of my colleagues adored the games we made, and so they didn’t care that the company had a major diversity problem, that our salaries were below average, that we didn’t get overtime compensation yet stayed ‘til 11PM more often than what’s healthy, and that the company promoted an unhealthy alcohol culture. because we were passionate. this was the kind of job you grow up dreaming about; don’t go throwing it away because some colleagues are harrassing you or because you get no recognition for your efforts!

for more than a year I was tired. stressed. in constant pain. my anxiety was through the roof. I worked on these “dream projects” and I felt dead inside.

when I quit that job I started freelancing as a writer. I got some really good jobs. I also got a bunch of small-time, low-paid, “hey at least your name is on it so isn’t it enough to pay 10$ for this text?” kind of jobs.

with the typical millenial housing situation of an apartment that I could barely afford on a fulltime pay and a constant stream of job offers that were underpaid I spent four months doing what I love, while constantly overwhelmed by stress. my insomnia got really bad, and when I managed to fall asleep I would dream about my bank balance. I would dream of losing whatever stability I had left in my life, simply because I couldn’t afford a “normal adult life”.

and so, today I got a job. it’s a fairly standard QA job at a medium sized game development studio. unlike any other game companies I’ve been at they offer humane working conditions. they don’t expect me to show up too early and stay too late because I’m passionate. the hours are nine to five, and they disapprove of overtime. the pay is slightly above average, and I get health benefits. I’ve been through several interviews, and at no point has someone tried to belittle my career or tried to convince me to work for less than I’m worth.

for the first time in many years of my career, I’m happy. I’m at ease. I applied for this job because I wanted to get away from the passionate part of the industry. I wanted a job where I could go home at five and dedicate my freetime to my own writing projects. I wanted to work at a place that didn’t eat my heart and soul and energy as I contributed to projects that wouldn’t even bear my name in the end credits.

so what I’m trying to say is that there’s nothing wrong with having a “normal” job. you’re not giving up on your dreams if you take a job outside your main interests. if it offers stability in your life, it’s enough.

I have such a fascination with being alone. I like hiking, running, sleeping, biking, eating, going to the movies, cooking, reading, walking, drinking coffee, going to museums, adventuring, and living by myself. I like being by myself because that is the time I am able to reflect on what I want out of this life of mine and who I want to be. People struggle to understand this. Being alone is such an incredible time to spend with your soul. 

Writing Prompts - things my friends and I have actually said

1.       “Oh wow, I’m really gay.”

2.       “You are beneath me, SQUID!”

3.       “I’m really glad I’ve never had an anxiety disorder.”

4.       “Shut the hell up! I have depression!”

5.       “Wow, I’m glad [name] is asleep, otherwise they’d be really upset right now.”

6.       “You’re gay!? Woah! I never would have guessed.”

7.       “We’re going out to dinner. Have fun masturbating.”

8.       “I’m too ace for this shit.”

9.       “You know you don’t actually live there, [name].”

10.   “He’s lecturing! SCREAM!”

11.   “All hail Florence Nightingale, our lord and savior – hallowed be her name.”

12.   “To invoke her name, thou must wash thy tiny hands before the final”

13.   “Freud is bullshit and our theories are all obviously named.”

14.   “We were waiting on [name]’s Splatoon-loving ass.”

15.   “A plate! A plate! My kingdom for a plate!”

16.   “I’m at Cook Out because I make bad life decisions but whatever.”

17.   “Come to the kitchen in the next 30 minutes if you want an ass kicking and by an ass kicking I mean brownies and/or ice cream.”

18.   “He has been talking about the Grateful Dead and their literal religion for, like, an hour and a half.”

19.   “I need your soul. And by your soul, I mean I need to see you to give you a key.”

20.   “You should lure [enemy] into my den of iniquity so we can start reprogramming him.”

21.   “How many condoms is it safe for me to eat?”

22.   “Answer me, you fool!”

23.   “The fact that I’m the responsible one here is hysterical.”

24.   “What would I need to do to get you to curse someone?”

25.   “I saw [enemy]. His hair isn’t ugly, but it was so much better before. What a fool.”

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
—  Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
8

Your mother is never coming back. Your father will never love you. The only reason he wanted you was to use you. You wanted a brother so badly, because then at least you’d have someone to share in the pain. That empty feeling that eats away at your soul and makes you feel like you want to die, day after day after day, it never stops.

1. Losing people hurts. Friends, lovers, soul mates. You will cry into your pillow and lose sleep, and your eyes will hurt more than ever. Don’t let it affect you so much, you will be okay. Your heart is learning to love and forgive and so is your brain.

2. Eat that pasta you want but don’t just sit back and eat three more plates. If you want that ice cream bar eat it but don’t go crazy on sweets. You deserve a healthy body along with your mind and spirit but you don’t need to keep yourself away from the things you love.

3. Take a shower. Wash your body with hot water and wash your hair with cold. Make your bed and spray lemon scent perfume on your pillows that you stole out of your mom’s bathroom. It’ll help you breathe and sleep better, you’ll have better dreams too.

4. Don’t rely on other people as your happiness. If they make you happy that’s great but what about when they leave? Have your hobbies as your happiness, or even yourself. Be a whole person on your own.

5. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Do you know how many things you have survived and gotten through? You are a brave person and you shouldn’t be so rough and hurtful. You are a piece of art.

6. Don’t focus too much on outer beauty. Those stretch marks don’t make you ugly, neither do your bruises and marks. It shows you’ve been through life and have experienced many things that tied themselves to your body to tag along in life with you.

7. Don’t just wait around for something to happen. Go out there and make it happen and face scary things you would have ran from in the past.

8. Most importantly dance and love and
live and thrive. There is beauty within the ugly and the light will always outshine the dark. You only get one shot at this life, how do you want to spend it?

—  Tips from Blossite Part 2

i. domesticity

I drink milk every day because my doctor says I need it to grow. Kind of like I need this calcium rush in order to make my bones stronger so I stop cracking them so easily. Preventing them from ever reverting to the weak, knobbly knees of last summer when a boy I had a crush on. Had a crush on, crushed me. Like a pulp. Into grains. Like a spoon grinding up soggy cereal swimming at the bottom of a bowl. I wake up in the middle of the night, remembering I didn’t drink 3 glasses today, and run to the refrigerator in my socks and chug it straight from the gallon, barbaric and yearning like a schoolgirl hitching her skirt up too high, and picture the white flowing through my veins. Softening me. Rounding me out. Giving me curves. I get a brain freeze instead and pray I’ll stop crying over spills and that I can sleep with this cold lurching in my stomach.

ii. vicinity

Maybe one day my hair will stop being so limp in the heat, but I don’t think that kind of thing can be anticipated, so I just have to wait. Girls like me live in the back of an un-air-conditioned convenience store, ratty sweatpants, tight tank tops, and crawl out with week-old receipts bursting from their pockets. Like glued ribcage kind of girls, like elastic hair tie, red marks around the wrist kind of girls. The cashier doesn’t mind when I snag a magazine from the rack and browse through it without paying because no matter how hard I try, I end up looking pre-pubescent anyway. And they let things slide. For a girl like me, at least. I’m saying, lopsided bun, wide eyes, a mouthful of crooked teeth, stars pulling them into their places, I was always too scared to get braces. The cover has some headline about how to enlarge your breasts naturally, which I think might be useful, and another about how to communicate effectively with others without saying hurtful things, which makes me laugh. I flip to the back to check my horoscope and eat that prophetic, adolescent shit catered to the teenage soul up like Eucharist laid under the tongue. Swallow down a spoonful of March’s: “Prepare to face some stress this month, but that’s okay! You’ll be able to get through it and find time to relax.” I want to rip out the page and shove it into my bra, like keeping these soft, meaningless words close to my chest will make them seep into my heart and change me. Stop making me think so much, fill my brain up with Arizona tea and static instead. But I’m cheap, and I shove the magazine back. I think my chest will stay flat forever.

iii. mobilization

I seek healing. Mending. I’m fingernails deep, sitting in the back of a subway at 3 a.m., pressing crescent moons into the leather seat, trying to dig up salvation. You can’t find that here, you can’t find that in the cracks between the tiles, you can’t find comfort in the ground up cigarette butt stamped into the floor. I’m wishing against this fogged up glass I could say anything, anything that would make sense for once, so someone could help me. Like please, my mind is bending in backwards, like please, I don’t think this underdeveloped chest can take any more of this resentment or it’s going to explode through my ribcage, out of my flesh, like please, I don’t want to hurt anymore. And it’s not my fault that I launch myself around like I’m in some sick little competition, pretending I don’t care, like I’m having the time of my life. Of course I’m not, of course I’m not, I don’t think having your hands shake and your brain go fuzzy whenever you think a little too much is fun, something to be documented for the world to see. I guess I’m different from other people that way, I’d rather people think I’m having a good time than actually have one without anyone knowing. I wish I knew how to sew, so I could stitch up my fibrillating heart, no matter how sloppy and crooked, but the needle jabs my finger as the subway lurches left, and I bleed, I bleed, I bleed.

iv. unearthliness

My mom told me not to walk naked in front of the altar. Disrespectful, she called it, and even though I agree, sometimes I test my divinity and emerge from the bathroom, the steam from the shower wafting off smoke like the incense in its pot. Young god, skin tinted green from fake gold. Young god, empty stomach, fruit scooped out of its rind, leaving me seedless. This hatred has roots, and I don’t know whether I want to dig out my insides with my hands or fill myself up until I’m close to bursting. I let people think the scratches on my knees are from a night of alcohol and a boy tugging my hair. Of course, it’s that and not child worship on a scratchy rug, not begging for forgiveness, not praying for glamour and glory, not hoping for. Of course it’s not hoping for something better.

—  this pain lasts in every location
Lana Del Rey: Wild At Heart

Courtney Love: Is this the mysterious Lana Del Rey?

Lana Del Rey: Is this the one and only Courtney Love?

Lana Del Rey: So, we could just talk about whatever… Like those burning palm trees that you had in the ‘Malibu’ video. I didn’t think they were real!

Courtney Love: Back when rock’n’roll had a budget, you mean? Oh my God, Lana, setting palm trees on fire was so fun. You thought they were CGI?

Lana Del Rey: Yeah.

Courtney Love: God, you’re so young. I burned down palm trees. In my day, darling, you used to have to walk to school in the snow. So, since I toured with you, I got kind of obsessed and went down this Lana rabbit hole and became – not like I’m wearing a flower crown, Lana, don’t get ideas – but I absolutely love it. I love it as much as I love PJ Harvey.

Lana Del Rey: That’s amazing because, maybe it’s slightly well documented, but I love everything you do, everything you have done – I couldn’t believe that you came on the tour with me.

Courtney Love: I read that you spend a lot of time mastering and mixing. Is that true on this new record?

Lana Del Rey: Oh my God, yeah, it’s killing me. It’s because I spend so much time with the engineers working on the reverb. Because I actually don’t love a glossy production. If I want a bit of that retro feel, like that spring reverb or that Elvis slap, sometimes if you send it to an outside mixer they might try and dry things up a bit and push them really hard on top of the mix so it sounds really pop. And Born to Die did have a slickness to it, but, in general, I have an aversion to things that sound glossy all over – you have to pick and choose. And some people say, ‘It’s not radio-ready if it isn’t super-shiny from top to bottom.’ But you know this. Whoever mixed your stuff is a genius. Who did it?

Courtney Love: Chris Lord-Alge and Tom Lord-Alge. Kurt was really big on mastering. He sat in every mastering session like a fiend. I never was big on mastering because it’s such a pain in the butt.

Lana Del Rey: It is a pain in the ass.

Courtney Love: I think my very, very favourite song of yours – you’re not gonna like this because it’s early – is ‘Blue Jeans’. I mean, ‘You’re so fresh to death and sick as ca-cancer’? Who does that?

Lana Del Rey: I have to say, that track has this guy Emile Haynie all over it. I remember ‘Blue Jeans’ was more of a Chris Isaak ballad and then I went in with him and it came out sounding the way it does now. I was like, ‘That’s the power of additional production.’ The song was on the radio in the UK, on Radio 1, and I remember thinking, ‘Fuck, that started off as a classical composition riff that I got from my composer friend, Dan Heath.’ It was, like, six chords that I started singing on.

Courtney Love: You have that lyric (on the song), ‘You were sorta punk rock, I grew up on hip-hop.’ Did you really grow up on hip hop?

Lana Del Rey: I didn’t find any good music until I was right out of high school, and I think that was just because, coming from the north country, we got country, we got NPR, and we got MTV.

Courtney Love: What I hear in your music is that you’ve created the world, you’ve created a persona, and you’ve created this kind of enigma that I never created but if I could go back I would create.

Lana Del Rey: Are you even being serious right now? I don’t even know if your legacy could get any bigger. You’re one of the only people I know whose legacy precedes them. Just the name ‘Courtney Love’ is… You’re big, honey. You’re Hollywood. (laughs) Touring with Courtney Love was, like, an Elizabeth Taylor diamond (for me).

Courtney Love: You know, I met Elizabeth Taylor. I was with Carrie Fisher at Taylor’s Easter party and she was taking six hours to come downstairs.

Lana Del Rey: I love it.

Courtney Love: I looked at Carrie and I said, ‘This is not worth it,’ and Carrie said, ‘Oh, yes it is.’ So we snuck upstairs and, Lana, when you go past the Warhol of Elizabeth Taylor as you’re sneaking up the stairs and it says ‘001’, you start getting goosebumps. And then you see her room and it’s all lavender, like her eyes. And she’s in the bathroom getting her hair done by this guy named José Eber who wears a cowboy hat and has long hair, and I’m like, ‘What am I doing here? I’m not Hollywood royalty.’ And the first words out of her mouth are, like, ‘Fuck you, Carrie, how ya doin’?’ She was so salty but such a goddess at the same time.

Lana Del Rey: She was so salty. The fact that she married Richard Burton twice – and all the stories you hear about those famous, crazy, public brawls – she was just up for it. Up for the trouble.

Courtney Love: You know what, darling? I started real early. I started stalking Andy Warhol before I could even think about it. And you kind of did the same, from my understanding. That ‘I want to make it’ thing. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Lana Del Rey: No, there’s not. There’s nothing wrong with it when you do the rest of it for the right reasons. If music is really in your blood and you don’t want to do anything else and you don’t really care about the money until later. It’s also about the vibe, not to be cliched. And the people. I think we had that in common. It was about wanting to go to shows, wanting to have your own show – living, breathing, eating, all of it.

Courtney Love: Can I ask you about your time in New Jersey? Was that a soul-searching time?

Lana Del Rey: Oh, I don’t even know if I should have said to anyone that I was living in that trailer in New Jersey but, stupidly, I did this interview from the trailer, in 2008.

Courtney Love: I saw it!

Lana Del Rey: It’s cringy, it’s cringy. (laughs)

Courtney Love: You look so cute, though.

Lana Del Rey: I thought I was rockabilly. I was platinum. I thought I had made it in my own way.

Courtney Love: I understand completely.

Lana Del Rey: The one thing I wish I’d done was go to LA instead of New York. I had been playing around for maybe four years, just open mics, and I got a contract with this indie label called 5 Points Records in 2007. They gave me $10,000 and I found this trailer in New Jersey, across the Hudson - Bergen Light Rail. So, I moved there, I finished school and I made that record (Lana Del Ray A.K.A. Lizzy Grant), which was shelved for two and a half years, and then came out for, like, three months. But I was proud of myself. I felt like I had arrived, in my own way. I had my own thought and it was kind of kitschy and I knew it was going to sort of influence what I was doing next. It was definitely a phase. (laughs)

Courtney Love: But you have records about being a ‘Brooklyn Baby’. You can write about New York adeptly and I cannot. I tried to write a song about a tragic girl in New York, going down Bleecker Street – this girl couldn’t afford Bleecker Street, so the song made no sense, right? (laughs) I did my time there, but it chased me away. I couldn’t do it because I wouldn’t go solo. I had to have a band.

Lana Del Rey: I wanted a band so badly. I feel like I wouldn’t have had some of the stage fright I had when I started playing bigger shows if I had a real group and we were in it together. I really wanted that camaraderie. I actually didn’t even find that until a couple of years ago, I would say. I’ve been with my band for six years and they’re great, but I wished I had people – I fantasized about Laurel Canyon.

Courtney Love: I wanted the camaraderie. The alternative bands in my neighbourhood were the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Jane’s Addiction. I knew Perry (Farrell, Jane’s Addiction frontman) and I went to high school for, like, ten seconds with two Peppers and a guy named Romeo Blue who became Lenny Kravitz. I remember being an extra in a Ramones video and he stopped by when he was dating Lisa Bonet from The Cosby Show and it was a big deal.

Lana Del Rey: See? You didn’t really see that in New York. When I got there, The Strokes had had a moment, but that was kind of it. LA has always been the epicenter of music, I feel.

Courtney Love: LA is easier. People have garages. And then as you go up the coast, in Washington and Oregon people have bigger houses and bigger garages, and people have parents. I didn’t have parents, and you – well, you had parents, but you were on your own.

Lana Del Rey: Yeah. You know that song of yours (Awful) that says, ‘Just shut up, you’re only 16’? I think there are different types of people. There are people who heard, ‘What do you know? You’re just a kid,’ and then there are people who got a lot of support from the line, like, ‘Go for it, go for your dreams.’ (laughs) And I think when you don’t have that, you get kind of stuck at a certain age. Randomly, in the last few years, I feel like I’ve grown up. Maybe I’ve just had time to think about everything, process everything. I’ve gotten to move on and think about how it feels now, singing songs I wrote ten years ago. It does feel different. I was almost reliving those feelings on stage until recently. It’s weird listening back to my stuff. Today, I was watching some of your old videos and this footage of you playing a big festival. The crowd was just girls – just young girls for rows and rows. I was reminded of how vast that influence was on teenagers. And – going back to enigma and fame and legacy – you know, those girls who have grown up and girls who are 16 now, they relate to you in the exact same way as they did right when you started. And that’s the power of your craft. You’re one of my favourite writers.

Courtney Love: You’re one of mine, so, checkmate. (laughs)

Lana Del Rey: What you did was the epitome of cool. And there’s a lot of different music going on, but adolescents still know when something comes authentically from somebody’s heart. It might not be the song that sells the most, but when people hear it, they know it. Are you a John Lennon fan?

Courtney Love: When I hear ‘Working Class Hero’, it’s a song I wish to God I could write. I wouldn’t ever cover it. I mean, Marianne Faithfull covered it beautifully, but I would never cover it because I think Marianne did a great job and that’s all that needs to be said.

Lana Del Rey: I felt that way when I covered ‘Chelsea Hotel (#2)’, the Leonard Cohen song, but when I was doing more acoustic shows, I couldn’t not do it.

Courtney Love: I don’t have your range. I’ve tried to sing along to ‘Brooklyn Baby’ and ‘Dark Paradise’ and this new one, ‘Love’. You go high, baby.

Lana Del Rey: I’ve got some good low ones for you. You know what would be good, is that song, ‘Ride’. I don’t sing it in its right octave during the shows because it’s too low for me. But I’ve been thinking about doing something with you for a little while now. Then after we did the Endless Summer tour, we were thinking we should at least write, or we should just do whatever and maybe you could come down to the studio and just see what came out.

Courtney Love: When we were on tour, our pre-show chats were very productive for me.

Lana Del Rey: Me too. That was a real moment of me counting my blessings. I just wanted to stay in every single moment and remember all of it, because it was so amazing.

Courtney Love: Likewise. It was really fun coming into your room. My favourite part of the tour was in Portland, getting you vinyl that I felt you needed. (laughs)

Lana Del Rey: When you left the room, I was just running my hand over all the vinyl like little gems, like, ‘I can’t believe I have these records that Courtney gave to me, it’s so fucking amazing.’ And we were in Portland, too. It felt surreal.

Courtney Love: Yeah, I don’t like going there much but I went there with you. We have this in common, too: we both ran away to Britain. If I could live anywhere in the world, I’d live in London.

Lana Del Rey: If I could live anywhere in the world other than LA, I’d live in London. In the back of my mind, I always feel like I could maybe end up there.

Courtney Love: I know I’m going to end up there. I know what neighbourhood I’m going to end up in, and I know that I want to be on the Thames. I subscribe to this magazine called Country Life which is just real-estate porn and fox hunting. It’s amazing. OK, so, if you weren’t doing you, what would you do?

Lana Del Rey: Do you have a really clear answer for this, for yourself?

Courtney Love: Yeah, I would work with teenage girls. Girls that are in halfway houses.

Lana Del Rey: That’s got you all over it. I’m selfish. I would do something that would put me by the beach. I would be, like, a bad lifeguard. (laughs) I’d come help you on the weekends, though.

Courtney Love: Do you like being in Malibu better than being in town?

Lana Del Rey: I like the idea of it. People don’t always go out to visit you in Malibu. So there’s a lot of alone-time, which is kind of like, hmm. I’m not in indie-rock enclave Silver Lake but I love all the stuff that’s going on around there. I guess I’d have to say I prefer town, but I’ve got my half-time Malibu fantasy.

Courtney Love: The only bad thing that can happen in Malibu really is getting on Etsy and overspending.

Lana Del Rey: Oh my God, woman… (laughs) Tell me about it. Late-night sleepless Etsy binges.

Courtney Love: Regretsy binges. OK, so, lyrically, you have some tropes and one of them is the colour red. Red dresses, scarlet, red nail polish… I kind of want to steal that.

Lana Del Rey: You need to take over that because I think I’ve got to relinquish the red.

Courtney Love: Well, I overuse the word ‘whore’.

Lana Del Rey: You take ‘red’. I’ll trade for ‘whore’. I’m so lucky.

Courtney Love: I love this new song ‘Love’.

Lana Del Rey: Thank you. I love the new song, too. I’m glad it’s the first thing out. It doesn’t sound that retro, but I was listening to a lot of Shangri-Las and wanted to go back to a bigger, more mid-tempo, single-y sound. The last 16 months, things were kind of crazy in the US, and in London when I was there. I was just feeling like I wanted a song that made me feel a little more positive when I sang it. And there’s an album that’s gonna come out in the spring called Lust for Life. I did something I haven’t ever done, which is not that big of a deal, but I have a couple of collabs on this record. Speaking of John Lennon, I have a song with Sean Lennon. Do you know him?

Courtney Love: I do, I like him.

Lana Del Rey: It’s called ‘Tomorrow Never Came’. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt this way, but when I wrote it I felt like it wasn’t really for me. I kept on thinking about who this song was for or who could do it with me, and then I realized that he would be a good person. I didn’t know if I should ask him because I actually have a line in it where I say, ‘I wish we could go back to your country house and put on the radio and listen to our favourite song by Lennon and Yoko.’ I didn’t want him to think I was asking him because I was namechecking them. Actually, I had listened to his records over the years and I did think it was his vibe, so I played it for him and he liked it. He rewrote his verse and had extensive notes, down to the mix. And that was the last thing I did, decision-wise. I haven’t mixed the record, but the fact that ‘Love’ just came out and Sean kind of finished up the record, it felt very meant-to-be. Because that whole concept of peace and love really is in his veins and in his family. Then, I also have Abel Tesfaye, The Weeknd. He is actually on the title track of the record, ‘Lust for Life’. Maybe that’s kind of weird to have a feature on the title track, but I really love that song and we had said for a while that we were gonna do something; I did stuff on his last two records.

Courtney Love: Do you have a singular producer or several producers?

Lana Del Rey: Rick Nowels. He actually did stuff with Stevie Nicks a while ago. He works really well with women. I did the last few records with him. Even with Ultraviolence which I did with Dan Auerbach, I did the record first with Rick, and then I went to Nashville and reworked the sound with Dan. So, yeah, Rick Nowels is amazing, and these two engineers – with all the records that I’ve worked on with Rick, they did a lot of the production as well. You would love these two guys. They’re just super-innovative. I wanted a bit of a sci-fi flair for some of the stuff and they had some really cool production ideas. But yeah, that’s pretty much it. I mean, Max Martin –

Courtney Love: Wait, you wrote with Max Martin? You went to the compound?

Lana Del Rey: Have you been there?

Courtney Love: No. I’ve always wanted to work with Max Martin.

Lana Del Rey: So basically, ‘Lust for Life’ was the first song I wrote for the record, but it was kind of a Rubik’s Cube. I felt like it was a big song but… it wasn’t right. I don’t usually go back and re-edit things that much because the songs end up sort of being what they are, but this one song I kept going back to. I really liked the title. I liked the verse. John Janick was like, ‘Why don’t we just go over and see what Max Martin thinks?’ So, I flew to Sweden and showed him the song. He said that he felt really strongly that the best part was the verse and that he wanted to hear it more than once, so I should think about making it the chorus. So I went back to Rick Nowels’ place the next day and I was like, ‘Let’s try and make the verse the chorus,’ and we did, and it sounded perfect. That’s when I felt like I really wanted to hear Abel sing the chorus, so he came down and rewrote a little bit of it. But then I was feeling like it was missing a little bit of the Shangri-Las element, so I went back for a fourth time and layered it up with harmonies. Now I’m finally happy with it. (laughs) But we should do something. Like, soon.

Courtney Love: I would like that. That would be awesome.

I. Choke up the depression
Feel it shape-shift to mania in your larynx
You’re drinking bottled happiness now

II. Find someone that scares you more than you scare yourself
Rip your own heart out of your chest and put it in her hands
You’ll only feel real when it hurts

III. You’ll be a mirror
The girl that dropped out of physics–
Bend her light through your focal point
Show her what she wants but does not need
Your friends will say nothing about the bruises
They all know reflected images are not real

IV. Sink deep into your own body
Search
For the soul you convinced yourself was never really there to begin with
Sickness eats at your brain and shreds the lining of your stomach
Self diagnose, self medicate, self destruct

V. Tell the boy in gym class about the pills you pop on the weekend
Two years later he’ll crash his car rolling on the same prescription
Shatters his ulna on the driver’s side window
Quit those and started abusing his adderall
Another casualty left in your wake

VI. Continue to avoid yourself
Internal monologue is canceled today
Drown out any remnants of thought with music louder than your lungs when they scream for nicotine

VII. Today you’re the cool girl in all black
Tomorrow you’ll wear tie dye and soften your voice
Spending the day wondering if your bisexuality is an excuse to ignore the burning need to find your identity

VII. Music can’t drown out the intrusive thoughts
Stay up all night waiting for the floor to fall out from underneath you
Justify three days without sleep as a forced shift to mania
Realize you’re still wallowing in crippling depression

VIII. Switch to uppers

IX. Get clean under a microscope when she gets sick of carrying around your arhythmic heart
Detox in front of an audience
Spend March sweating and shivering
Dry heaving in the back corner of the girl’s bathroom between AP literature and AP psychology
There’s no time to talk about it

X. Spend a year learning to trust again
Make progress through regression
Hurt your friends
See a doctor
Keep an untouched bottle of pills on your nightstand
Let them pile up month after month
Is addiction okay if your name is on the prescription?

XI. Become enchanted by the boy in your ceramics class
Let him shatter the mirror you hide behind
Force yourself to face the tough questions
He’ll hold your hand as you navigate the shattered glass
Lead him to safety–he doesn’t wear shoes

XII. 2 a.m. on a school night and you’re sitting in his car looking up at the stars
Wrapped in the blanket he keeps just for you
Laughing at nothing and feeling everything
This is it
This is you
And you are enough

—  Thank you for holding my hand while I find myself
It is so easy to starve yourself
in the same way she starved you of love.
It is so easy to withhold nourishment from your body
in the way she withheld nourishment from your soul.
It
is
so
easy
because that feeling of emptiness, of nothing inside 
is all
you have ever known
and so to feel full is so frightening, so unfamiliar
and apparently you are undeserving of that sensation
for how else can you defend her deprivation?
How else can you explain the fact
that the same woman who brought you into the world
the same woman who was your world
is the same woman who brought it crashing down around you?
How else can you explain that
if not by diminishing your own worth?
But darling,
what I wish you would realize 
what I wish you would open your eyes wide enough to see
is that none of
this
is your fault
but rather hers, 
rather due to her own inability to peer beyond her own demons
and see the angel that you are.
Darling, this is not your war
and your body is not a battlefield
nor are calories a crime.
Self-starvation is not your salvation
for it only continues the cycle she set
in motion.
The only one who can save you now
is you
and the only way out is to eat,
to fight through each tearful bite and merciless meal
to fight back against the urges and her voice shouting in your head,
to feed yourself and fight this sickness,
not the other way around.
Stop punishing your beautiful self for the cruelties she committed - 
the soul that should be serving time is hers and hers alone.
Darling, you are so much more 
than the unmothered child 
and
the unwanted daughter.
If you want to define yourself as un-anything,
be unbound, unleashed and uninhibited -
be more than the perfect puppet she wanted you to be.
Somewhere beneath the lies she laid upon you
and the criticisms and insults she said make up who you are,
somewhere beneath it all is YOU.
There is an innocent little girl and a powerful young woman
waiting to be released.
So darling, take a breath and unchain her,
darling, set yourself free once and for all.
Stop waiting for her to give a love she is incapable of ever giving
and learn to love
yourself
instead.
—  on overcoming an abusive mother, S.R.N.

anonymous asked:

Hi i'd like to make a request pls if that's ok! Ok so you know V is like blind, well, what if he walked in on MC naked, and she like froze from shock, and obviously he didn't notice so he just walked in and went to touch her casually and whoops he grabbed her tiddy, how would he react???? <3 thanks bby

You knew V needed your help especially since he moved to a new apartment. After the incident with Rika, he wanted to move to a new place because he was haunted with memories of her. Who can blame him? The person he was in love with for so many years was the cause of his destruction. She ruined the lives of the many RFA members and you hated her with every single cell in your body. You hoped a bear would eat her for breakfast in Alaska. You shared your head trying to not think about the wrecked witch. You went to the pantry and took out the spices you needed to make lunch for V. You cared a lot for V in ways you shouldn’t, but you couldn’t help but fall for a gentle soul. You pushed your feelings aside because you don’t want things to get awkward between you and V. 

You heard his bedroom door open and you knew the scent of your cooking dragged him to the kitchen. Before you could turn around to guide him to the kitchen, you heard him grunt because he ran into the couch. You just smiled and gently grabbed his hand “How was your nap Jihyun?” you smiled and went slowly around the living room. His grip tighten around your hands “It was good but I was thinking about the conversation we had last night.” he extended his hand to reach for the chair so he can sit “I decided to have the surgery because I need to live my life again. I need to see the beautiful sky and I would love to stare in your eyes”. You turned into a tomato and just coughed “My eyes are basic Jihyun” you giggled while you turned to cabinets to get the plates. You served him lunch and it was peacefully. V really loved your cooking so he just stuffed his face with it. 

You notice the spaghetti sauce was all over his mouth and you reached for a napkin so you can wipe his mouth. V felt the sauce all over his face and he reached to hopefully grabbed a napkin. You put his hand down and leaned over to wipe his face. He hoped to grab your shoulder to get you a tight squeeze so you can know that he was grateful to have you in his life. He thought he was squeezing your shoulder but instead he grabbed your tit. His face had a confused look while he kept squeezing it “MC I think something is wrong with your shoulder, it feels a bit soft and squishy. We need to take you the doctor”. He kept feeling and squeezing till he felt a hard bump. You were just a mess. 

Originally posted by nyanpasuminasan

“Jihyun um thats my” he stopped squeezing and you heard him gasp “tit” you stuttered. 

He still had his hand on your tit and slowly went up to your heart “I was grabbing your heart MC” he gave your chest a few pats and retracted his hand. You bursted out laughing and he did too. You were wheezing and you grabbed his thigh “Im grabbing your heart too Jihyun” and he started to wheeze from laughter. You were rubbing his thigh and gave it a few pats and continued to eat your spaghetti. You picked up the dishes and noticed he had a tint of redness on his check. You just smiled because your dream of Jihyun touching you came half true. 

  • sebastian: tell me what it feels like to have your entire family ripped away from you
  • clary: what?
  • sebastian: your mother is never coming back. your father will never love you. jace is not your brother.
  • clary: stop it!
  • sebastian: feel it clary, feel it. that empty feeling that eats away at your soul and makes you feel like you want to die day, after day, after day, it never stops
  • alec: what the fuck

my friend was upset tonight so naturally I decided to spam them with pictures of fish costumes and honestly I had a ball

so I’m gonna share them with you now. Get ready for a wild ride.

let’s start simple

real simple

“haha see I have fins! haha help me

lots of nemos going around

some of them more terrifying than others

it’s like he’s wearing horse blinders I’m

okay well this one has the colours I guess

are you serious

how many sexy fish costumes could there possibly - 

okay but surely - 

are you serious WE ALL KNOW YOU DIDN’T NEED TO GIVE THE JELLYFISH EYES

not sure how the fuck we’re supposed to feel about this one

BUT HEY WHILE WE’RE GETTING FREAKY

someone save him

give em the ol razzle dazzle

this is why NASA won’t explore the ocean

like what is this A DEMENTOR FISH?? IT EATS SOULS BUT ALSO FISH FLAKES???

alright let’s get back to some friendlier content

we agreed this one would be me

this guy’s just happy to be invited to the party

this one’s kinkshaming you

this one is very possibly my favourite

and these guys are the grand finale because I have so many questions?? But I don’t want a single one answered look at this. Fish on segways. Amazing.

Okay thank you for your time.

BTS Reaction to You Not Being in the Mood to Cuddle

Request: nemogirl02 ⇒ Can you do a “BTS reacting to you not being in the mood to cuddle” like you’ve just had a really bad day and you’re not really in the mood to be touched type thing?

Note: Exams have been eating at my soul, all I can do is repost things lol..but one more week of school and I’m free for like 4 months; meaning more gaming (& *whispers* possibly writing) for me! *credit to gif owners*


Jin All you wanted to do was sleep comfortably while being wrapped in a bundle of fluffy blankets alone but the one beside you kept throwing his arm over your torso. No matter how many times you threw it off, the arm kept coming back until you finally had enough. You growled obnoxiously loud, throwing the arm away harshly and Jin immediately gulped. “Keep this up and you’re gonna have to sleep on the couch.”

He began to pout, turning in his spot to face away from you. “All I wanted to do was show you some affection..”

Originally posted by jinful


Suga ➳ He realized how quiet you were being once you got home, and kept pestering you to watch a movie with him until you finally gave in. You were becoming annoyed when not even thirty minutes into the movie, Yoongi started to bother you; trying to pull you into his chest to cuddle no matter how many times you told him no. You roughly pushed him aside, surprising him while he stared towards your annoyed state impassively. “All I wanted was to get away from humans from work but I just had to run into the most annoying one of all.” You hissed, walking towards your bedroom and slamming the door.

Yoongi sighed, yawning and looking back to the TV. “Your loss.”

Originally posted by jeonbase


J-Hope ➳ You didn’t know what it was and why you blew off on him when you knew all he wanted was to cuddle. You felt a rush of regret run through your veins and as you saw him laying down innocently on the bed with his laptop on his lap you wished you hadn’t been so rude to him. You sulked while walking over to him on the bed, plopping yourself onto it and slowly creeping closer to him before throwing an arm over his chest.

He narrowed his eyes at you, wondering what the sudden change of attitude was. “Oh,” he started, closing his laptop, “so now you want to cuddle?”

Originally posted by sunbaejin


RapMonster ➳ He was having a horrible day and all he could think about was getting into bed and having you in his arms. Little did he know was that you were also having a horrible day and just wanted to be alone. So when he tried to be loving to you and you snapped at him while glaring at the man—he began to get worried at never seeing you behave in that sort of way. He gulped while blinking erratically, giving you a nervous smile to try and calm you. “So,” he said, stepping back just in case you decided to give him an unexpected explosion once again, “are you sure you don’t want to cuddle?”

Originally posted by yoonminnie


Jimin You two went out with some friends to the amusement park, and you felt absolutely exhausted from being forced to ride terrifying rollercoasters that drained all the energy from you. It didn’t help that it was almost midnight, and Jimin forced you and his friends to get into a long line to get on the scariest ride of all. He kept his arm around you to let everyone know you were his, and as he teased you while pushing you around; you growled and threw his arm off you. “Leave me alone.” You spat, being nervous enough as you stared at the high drop of the ride. Jungkook began to laugh at seeing Jimin flustered, slowly inching away from you as you tried to calm your nerves.

Originally posted by reneemallen


V ➳ You saw the way his shoulders slumped and the was he was slowly dragging himself towards you. You knew you cared about him deeply but at that time you were just tired of Taehyung always wanting affection from you and glueing himself onto you like some kind of child the moment he saw you. “No!” You yelled in defense, going into a karate stance and he groaned, stomping away in defeat to the room. He was locked in there for the rest of the night and when you finally decided to call it a night from the long day, you walked into the room just to find the man sprawled out sexily while he smirked.

“Now are you ready for some Tae cuddles?”

Originally posted by aestaetically


JungkookHe had never felt so offended in his life. He never gave anyone or offered anyone his cuddles, so when he got home from an exhausted day of work and hugged you whereas you tried to push him away as if he was some type of germ—his hold tightened and he didn’t want to let you go. Eventually you licked his cheek and he pushed you away in disgust, making you snarl under you breath. “Forcing me to do something when I don’t want to is called abuse, get away from me.”

Jungkook clenched his fists and he was fuming. He looked at your small form and wondered who gave you the audacity to deny him. “Do you really want to play this game, love?”

Originally posted by jjks


Monster Rp starters

(This is for like monster people and Au’s, not something like a person so horrible they’ve become a monster)

“Hey you got your feathers all through my jacket again!”

“Did you just…eat that mouse…?”

“I just ate a mouse and I feel sick”

“Stop chasing your tail, your a grown (man/women/adult)”

“I know you love me but please let go of me, I can’t breathe”

“Jesus your a lot taller then I thought you were”

“Are you…making a nest? Why?”

“Do you need help putting your contact in?”

“What’s it like only having one eye?”

“So if your stomach has a mouth does that mean it eats too?”

“Your pointy ears are adorable”

“Please don’t steal my soul, I have class in like an hour and the soul stealing thing takes all day”

“Stop scratching the couch oh my god”

“Screw you I’m gonna scratch the couch if I want to”

“Please stop touching the light bulb, I know it’s pretty but you keep hurting yourself”

“Hey can you help me find my (body part)”

“Do you need help looking for (body part)”

“Hey I’ve lost my body! Help me look for it before it does something stupid!”

“Why are you eating catnip?”

“I just ate catnip and can’t feel my legs”

“Hey throw the toy I wanna catch it!”

“I don’t want to throw the toy…ugh fine give it here”

“I know it’s supposed to be cold today but the sun is out and if I go outside I’m probably going to catch on fire”

“I can make snow from my hands! Wanna see?!”

“Wow you can use magic?! Can you teach me!?”

“I know I’m not supposed to like a human, but I’ll make an exception because your cute”

“I just wanna tie you up in my web and cuddle you forever!”

“I need water, I’m getting dehydrated and I’m starting to smell like dead fish”

“I accidentally got slime all over your wall when I tried to kill a fly…I’m sorry”

“Hey it’s okay, it’s just a bit of slime”

“I accidentally set your clothes on fire when I was trying to fold them”

“Hey scratch my ear it’s itchy and you don’t have claws”

“I may or may not have got fur all over your couch when me and (random name) where playing”

“I accidentally broke your door and I’m sorry but maybe get a stronger door next time”

“This is the sixth door this month, stop slamming them please”

“Is it rude to ask if I could ride on you back?”

“What do you mean you want to ride me? I’m not a horse, well I mean, I’m not THAT kind of horse”

“How do you stop yourself from decaying? I mean, you are kinda dead after all”

“What’s it like having six tails?”

“Here, sit down and I’ll brush your wings”

“How did you get flees? Oh well time for a bath huh?”

“I wanna cuddle but I’m kinda scared I’ll crush you, so maybe you just sit in my lap and I hold you?”

“Hey I’m thirsty can I have some of your blood? Just to hold me off until we get home”

“Hey can you turn on the air conditioning? I know it’s like twenty degrees but I think I’m gonna melt”

“Hey pay attention to me! I want love!”

“I came here to get your soul but honestly I feel like if I take it, it’ll just Make me sad”

“Please take my Soul I’m so depressed”

“So I may or may not have accidentally broke my neck when I feel off the roof sooo, surprise! I’m a ghost now”

Surprise, Surprise

gif belongs to heavenofhell

Title: Surprise, Surprise

Characters: Lucifer x Reader, Chuck, Sam, and Dean

Word Count: 952

Warnings: fluffish

A/N: This was requested by an anon! I hope you all enjoy! I love you all so much! <3 Feedback is welcomed and appreciated!

Sam and Dean watched as Lucifer and Chuck talked to each other.  They thought that they would be at each other’s throats, but that wasn’t the case.  It felt weird for Dean and Sam to be in the same room as the two of them.  At first they were talking about nothing, but now they were talking about everything.

“Have you found your soulmate,” Chuck asked, curiosity evident in his voice.  “Where are they?”

“I decided to leave [Y/N] out of this,” Lucifer muttered, letting his arm drop onto his lap.  “I don’t need aunt Amara going after her to get to me, to get to you.”

“Wait, Lucifer has a soulmate,” Sam cut in, extending his gaze to Chuck.

“I’m still an angel Sam,” Lucifer noted, rolling his eyes.  “All angels have soulmates.”

Keep reading

pick:
do you want to be with someone
who loves you with their entire soul
in a home where you are cared for
where every day is happy
even on the days in won’t be?
do you want to be healthy
and functional and alive?
do you want to love?

or do you want to get high?
do you want to hurt everyone who cares
so bad they don’t care anymore?
alone in a new place every day
chasing feelings off of tin foil?
you won’t eat or sleep or think.
your mom will identify your body
she won’t recognize you, though.

did you pick? did you have to think about it?
it’s such an easy choice
so why is it so hard?

—  recovering