Hi. Question that I bet you've already received and answered re: your post about being attracted to women but being unable to visualise a relationship with one? For you, if you don't mind sharing, what was it that brought you to pursue a relationship with a woman in the first place? Personally I'm in a place where I think there's a potential for a relationship, but I don't know if I want it partly *because* she's a woman? Anyway, thanks for sharing your original post. That was meaningful to me.
I’m in a position where she likes me and I’m quite attracted to her but the idea of a relationship with a woman is strange and foreign in the same way that you expressed in that original post. Anyway, it’s not like you’re Ask Annie or anythin like that. Just curious what got you from “I’m attracted to women” to “I’m married to a woman.”
hey anon, sorry for the delay — i’m pretty bad about answering asks in the simplest of cases, and this was one i wanted to knock around in my head for a bit.
i realized i liked girls when i got a crush on one in high school, completely unexpectedly. but she lived far away and thought she was straight and so while i accepted this new thing about myself it was easy to think that i’d never really have to confront it again. when i graduated my favorite teacher, to whom i’d come out as bi, said something about hoping to come to my “wedding or commitment ceremony” one day, and i remember scoffing. looking back on that moment is strange. there i was, lucky enough to have a lesbian mentor actively envisioning this future for me when no one else was going to, yet even she didn’t go so far as to imagine that i’d have the right to marry a woman, and the alternative she suggested seemed absurd to me, like something belonging to a different world from the one i knew.
going to college helped. my best friend from high school, who is gay, went to the same college and i got to watch him date in a way he hadn’t been able to before. it was a small school and by chance, he ended up in a dorm where it seemed like no one was straight, and that’s where i met her. i didn’t expect my feelings, but neither could i ignore them.
it’s a cliché, but if you’d asked me then, did i love women?, i don’t know what i would have said. but i would have been able to say that i liked her, and soon, that i loved her.
now, of course, i know that i do love women, and that that thinking was a form of denial. but in a way i think this denial had a kind of usefulness, in breaking down one of the big questions of life into one small enough for me to handle. it’s hard to grapple with whether you want Relationships With Women. it’s a lot easier to think about whether you’d like to try a relationship with this woman. the rest can wait.
i want to let you know that you have my permission to think that way, if it helps. it might not seem like the most ideologically correct thing, but as i’ve said before in this space, your job isn’t to have ideologically correct feelings, your job is to be ok. if you’re attracted to her, then questions about women in general, or the concept of womanhood, or whatever, are just kind of beside the point, at least for now. focus on what you feel about this person, specifically, and trust yourself to figure the rest out in due time, knowing that there’s no rush.
also, i have no idea what your situation is, but as always i think it’s a good idea to spend as much time around other lgbt people as possible if you’re not already, though i know that’s often easier said than done. a meetup, a hobby or volunteer group, a sports team, a band, a chorus — these things have made a world of difference to me in terms of making me feel that not being straight is normal and good, and that being true to myself is fully compatible with a rich and happy life.
my experience, of course, is just one experience, and so if others reading this would like to share your experiences around this, i encourage that. in any case, i hope this answer is helpful, anon, and that it finds you well.