Waiting for Nothing
This is my entry for Day 3 of @fyeahpharmercy‘s Pharmercy Appreciation Week, “Flowers.”
Synopsis: Angela writes a letter to Fareeha when they can not be together on their anniversary.
If you are concerned about emotional triggers, click this image link and see if any might apply to you. I do this so that the story may not be spoiled ahead of time for people who are okay with most emotional literary themes and topics. If you would like to enter the story blind I highly suggest not opening the image above.
Dear Fareeha, meine geliebte Frau,
Not a day goes by that I do not long for your return, to come back into my arms warm and safe. For every day that you are away is another day in which I must confront the daily struggles of life alone, without your soothing presence to ease my anxiety and lift my spirits. Sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day is listening to your voice-mails I keep saved on my phone. I’m sorry I never told you, but I was always just so embarrassed. Every night I have Athena play one from random; sometimes it will be short and to the point, you calling to requesting a simple file or better yet, just to make small talk. Many times, it’s you after a long day out in the field, exhausted, speaking into the receiver about all the frustrations and hassles that plagued your day. In some you are calling just to say “I love you.” I like those the most.
Many of the nights I spend are curled up in our bed, with your favourite jacket wrapped around me as I sleep. It’s the only way I can feel like you’re still right next to me, even if the only thing remaining is your waning scent.
Oh, and I got you your favourite flowers too. The Daffodils look so pretty this year. I visited Ana to gather a handful from her garden, and she was nice enough to give me some seeds to hopefully begin our own garden. You know I’ve always found it funny that you of all people would love Daffodils, especially when you know their meaning. Narcissus. Though, I suppose it does partially apply; you were and always will be the most beautiful woman I have ever set my eyes upon, and yet you remained so selfless and humble. It’s almost unfair that all the good and beauty in the world could be concentrated into one person, and doubly so that it can be stripped away in an instant. It is unfair that someone so pure and so just can be taken from this world when there is so much evil and darkness that is allowed to remain.
Every day the dagger lodged within my heart twists. You were the light in my life, and I’m now surrounded by the shadows cast by the dim glow around me. Every day my mind is plagued with what-ifs, unanswerable questions that only seek to possess the mind and shroud it in darkness. Even knowing that, I still cannot help but think of all the possible ways things could have been different, how you could still return to spend the rest of our days together.
But I cannot change the past. I cannot change what we shared. I cannot change the aching I will feel to the day I die, and I would not change a moment.
If there is any evidence of the afterlife, our love would be it, for not even death can separate us. I will find you in the afterlife.
- Dein Ein und Alles
Angela clumsily folded the piece of paper along the creases, her hands shaking as she shoved the letter back in her pocket. In her other hand she holds a bouquet of pale white flowers, tied in a lavender silk knot, the stray ribbon flowing back and forth in the cool morning wind. A seldom few petals were lined with small droplets, not from the overcast sky above, but rather from the grief-stricken woman clutching their stems.
Goosebumps lined the extent of her arm, her body giving a small shiver, yet feeling nothing. Angela had grown numb to it all, she no longer found interest in her work, in her hobbies, in the friends she had made since the reformation of Overwatch. The research she did now was out of obligation, to which she mainly kept to herself, shutting herself away for hours on end without exiting her room. Ever since the newly appointed Strike Commander deemed her psychologically unfit for the battlefield, she saw no reason to do anything else but remain in her dormitory to feign a sense of purpose.
Another gust of wind came rushing across the horizon, sending her golden locks across her face. She slowly collapsed down to her knees, pressing into the soft layer of grass and dirt. She outstretched her hand to the sturdy headstone in front of her, tracing the lines imprinted.
2044 - 2093
Friend to Many
Protector of All
“I’m so sorry I could not be there for you when you needed me most, meine Liebe.” Angela choked out through bated breath. She held out the flowers in front of her, and slowly released them before the headstone. A fragile hand crept along her back and rested on her shoulder; Angela took hold and rested her cheek against it. “She loved you more than life itself, habibti,” a withered and broken voice softly spoke. That was the final crack in the dam necessary. Angela burst into tears, water freely flowing down her cheeks down to the grass below, her hand latching onto Ana’s like a vice. “Shh, it’s okay habibti, it’s okay. Let it out.”
And there they stayed, without a single thought to the passage of time around them. Ana gave the grieving widow as long as she needed. As the time between huffs of breath drew longer and the tears gently subsided, Angela gradually returned to the realm of reality. She slowly turned her head to Ana and nodded, in an affirmation she was prepared to go.
She steadily rose to her feet, the flowers remaining as an offering to her beloved. Shoving her hands in her coat pockets, she stood in front of the stone, looking down into the engraved lettering. “Fareeha,” Angela croaked, her voice rough and grated, “Next time I will make sure to bring seeds, to begin our garden together.”
Angela stepped forward and ran her hand along the top of the headstone, a solemn goodbye.
“Auf wiedersehen, meine Liebe.”