it needs to be rubbed

These legs aren't mine.

It’s been a brutal winter/cold season. I haven’t shaved my legs since November. Ain’t no body got time to wear cute dresses and shorts when it’s that cold out. No one’s gonna see my legs.

It’s nearly the end of March and I finally let myself shave my legs.

What began to bother me was the fact that as I walked around in shorts within the warming comfort of my own home, I could feel the air weave in and out and between the hairs on my legs.

But what really pushed me to shave was that my bare hairy leg brushed against a rogue spider web I didn’t see as I moved through the basement to grab something.
It clung to my leg hair for dear life and had I not been wearing slippers because my basement is cold, I would not have been able to fend off the spider that was coming right for my ass because I had disturbed it’s web.

That was it.

That was the last straw.

I finally shaved.

And now I’m laying in bed where it’s safe and warm™ beneath my blankets and I’m rubbing my legs together.

I don’t think my legs have ever been this smooth. Like, if someone could have a dissociation with their legs, this is it. Because they’re so smooth they don’t even feel like they’re even my legs.

6

David Tennant + Tumblr [Part 1/6] (insp.)

Unlike most Hobbits, Bilbo did not care very much for the hard work of gardening. At most, he could grow a rather tasty tomato. That was enough of his interest in the matter. He enjoyed flowers and their ilk, of course, and that was why he’d kept a gardener around. 

It made for a lovely scene outside Bag End. One which he could enjoy by settling himself onto the bench, pipe in hand. Some days, the especially sunny ones, he’d snag a sunhat. It was a day like that, though the sun had begun setting its way down the horizon. He had the hat’s brim pulled down over his eyes. 

That sometimes kept passing neighbors and busybodies from bothering him, for they presumed he’d fallen asleep. 

Not always, though, as he heard the telltale sound of someone approaching. His ear twitched, somewhat muffled by the sunhat. Regardless he could recognize the footfalls as they closed in on him. Hobbits rarely made so much noise. 

And, also, unlike any Hobbit, he had a dwarf for a husband. 

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I’m starting a Masturbation Movement because some of you mens need to exercise self love and understanding and y'all need to stop rubbing one out just because you’re bored. Learn yourself. Buy toys. Put a finger in your butt. Buy a blow up doll. Play with oils. Play with wax. Play with chastity (the kinky kind). Love yourself because being this bitter over women loving themselves and pleasuring themselves is ridiculous. Get a pocket pussy that lights up and vibrates. Learn how to make yourself cum in a fun and more pleasurable way. Love yourself.

26 Reasons to Watch Heathers: The Musical

( A.K.A some of my favorite funny/weird lines ) 

1. “Homo! Homo! Homo!”

2. “Seems every time I’m about to despair, Theres a 7/11 right there!”

3. “Who needs cocaine?”

4. “Let’s rub each other’s backs while watchin’ porn on Cinemax”

5. “There’s no alcohol in here! Are you trying to poison me?”

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Sick Yuuri, Part: 1

*Viktor is taking care of Yuuri, who is sleeping on the couch with a very high fever*

Yuuri: ….*suddenly wakes up and faces Viktor*

Viktor: *is visibly startled* y-yes, what’s wrong, Yuuri? Do you need me to get you anything?

Yuuri: *wide eyed, and rubbing his cheek on a glass cup* …. statistically…….

Viktor: …… Yuuri?-

Yuuri: *still rubbing his face on the cup in thought* ..statistically….. someone must have a Zamboni kink, right…?

Viktor: *softly* …holy fuck, Yuuri….

Yuuri: ….do you think it’s Yakov?

Viktor: oh my god…

“Laying Low” Glamour

To avert eyes from you or something about you

Items needed:

  • A mirror
  • Something to write on the mirror with that can easily rub off (lipstick, eyeliner, etc.)

Step 1) Stand in front of the mirror. Close your eyes and think of what you are trying to hide from others, be it yourself, a quality about you, etc.

Step 2) While focusing on what you want to hide, draw several eyes in the mirror. Make sure the eyes have pupils, don’t just make them circles.

Step 3) Say the following:
There are eyes focused on me,
But that is not how I want it to be.
Take their gaze and point it away,
So I can go about my day.

Step 4) Scratch out the eyes, so that their gaze is clearly blocked. Visualize their eyes passing over you or the quality you are trying to hide. You’re done!

Alt: if you can’t find anything to mark on the mirror with, you can use a piece of paper and a pencil. Just tape the paper to the wall in front of you and use it like the mirror.

on the malec date

Magnus: okay, before we start, I have a confession to make

Alec: okay

Magnus: i have children

Alec: I thought warlocks-

Magnus: adopted children no need to rub it in A L E C

alec: ….

Magnus: anyway, you’ve met my youngest before, his name is Simon, Simon say hi to your new dad- i mean Alec

Simon: idk whats going on but hi Alec

Alec: I- M-

Magnus: and then there is raphael, he’s a little older and at that stage when they only think about one thing

Alec: sex?

Raphael: murder

Magnus: then there is Clary, but I’m still fighting Garroway for custody, he’s not letting her go

Alec: wait, how many kids do you have

Magnus:

Magnus: *under his breath, really fast* all of the downworlders in brooklyn who appear with rich clothes after turning are my kids

Alec: wtf

Magnus: hey alec, look at this magic trick

Magnus: *fucking disappears*

ok but!!!! more people should ship tj and magnus (jefferchase) can i get an amen

  • once x peaces out to be odin full time and mallory and halfborn start dating/fighting mango starts hangin out with tj more (u know just guys bein pals)
  • magnus makes all sorts of his smartass comments and gets shit thrown at him by mallory
  • he starts to realize that he likes making tj laugh
  • tj has such a nice laugh his whole face scrunches up and his shoulders shake and he just has this tiny little giggle he does 
  • and magnus is like “…oh”
  • so of course he immediately runs and starts yellin to samirah like “sam!!! sam help!!!! what is this”
  • and sam is just like “…those are called feelings magnus”
  • “gross”
  • they sneak out of valhalla just constantly to watch red sox games
  • they like to go for long walks along the harbor and talk about life
  • tj tells magnus all about growing up in times of slavery / fighting in the civil war and stuff
  • except he has to stop talking about it bc magnus gets so enraged at the injustices poor tj had to go through that he punches a wall and breaks his hand that nerd
  • tj loves to listen to magnus talk!! he’s the best listener ever he just sits there as magnus tells him all about natalie and growing up and being homeless and just takes it all in what a sweetheart
  • they always team up during battle practice at hotel valhalla!! except without fail literally every day magnus ends up dying by jumping in front of a sword or w/e for tj 
  • at first tj is flattered but eventually he just gets exasperated
  • “magnus please i know you’re trying to be noble and i appreciate that but i actually don’t mind dying seriously i mean it”
  • they watch movies together!! magnus always ends up falling asleep halfway through though
  • tj tries to focus on the movie but mostly he’s just trying not to panic over how cute magnus looks all curled up on the couch next to him, his long hair all messy 
  • their first kiss comes during battle training, surprise surprise
  • they’re bickering over some battle tactic or w/e while hiding behind a bush and magnus knows he’s just gonna lose his mind if he doesn’t kiss this nerd asap
  • so he does
  • tj’s brain just short circuits he has no idea even what to do about this
  • of course this leads to them both getting stabbed, but at this point they don’t even care 
  • tj takes a few hours longer than magnus to reform and it’s like the longest few hours of poor gay mango’s life
  • tj finally reforms and magnus goes “so… kissing?” and it is ON
  • cute