it makes me want to break everything

Um okay so the work situation and like every other situation is really stressing me out and what was already a very difficult anxiety time is becoming unbearable

I can’t sleep I can’t just sit down and do nothing I can’t focus on anything my brain is just charging ahead at 5000 miles an hour whether I like it or not

Do I need to find a general doctor or a psychiatrist first which one is more likely to give me something to just shut my brain the fuck up or to make me feel fucking nothing for a while because I’m doing badly

I feel like I shouldn’t be anxious about all the things that I’m anxious about but I already am so things like don’t worry about work are not very useful because I’m already well immersed in being anxious about the shit going on at work

I want a break I want things to just stop for a while I feel like I can’t handle everything that is happening all at once

Even stuff that I should be looking forward to I’m just looking at like okay there’s an obligation I need to get through on Saturday

I just want to be unconscious for like a week

YUURI IS SUCH AN EXTRAORDINARY CHARACTER BECAUSE HE’S NOT ONLY INCREDIBLY COMPLEX AND RELATEABLE BUT ALSO 

SO BEAUTIFUL 

SO CUTE

SO HANDSOME

AND SOMETIMES ALL OF THE ABOVE 

not to be over dramatic but I’d die for Katsuki Yuuri he’s so 

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH HE’S THE BEST BOY 

Aries: “The floods have passed. You won.you stand victorious now, gold medal around your neck. You have conquered and won every required.  Let the flames come roaring home. Let them carry your spirit, because I know you’re tired. Let joy fill you again. The time for war cries have passed, it is now time to sing. Let the flames drape you in warmth and illuminate world. Let them restore all that has been laid to waste. It is the healing era.”

Taurus: “You’ve been at war against change for so long, ironclad in your stubbornness. If only you could see that this time is going to bestow your wings upon you. Preparing for you to take flight; from a caterpillar cemented to the ground, into a stunning butterfly. You just have to be willing to take the leap and enter your chrysalis first. This is no easy feat since there is no instant gratification here. You must put in the effort and persevere. You can do it.”

Gemini: “Time to grow quiet and reflect. You’ve wallowed in naïveté, and played in a childish mindset for too long, my dear. Being loud, screaming and laughing, jumping up and down until the ceilings rattle with joy. It’s time to silently ponder and deliberate carefully; especially in regards to what fate has in mind for you. It may not always be easy, the road may be rough. But hold on. Have faith that it all changes with time.”

Cancer: “I know sometimes the change looks scary, but it’s time to let it come. You already wore the crown and your reign was glorious. Let someone else take the stage, and pass the baton. You aren’t stepping down, just stepping aside. You don’t always have to be the image of sheer perfection. Let yourself fall every once in awhile. Being held up on a pedestal has to get exhausting every once in awhile.”

Leo: “This is it, your shining moment. All eyes on you, watching you light up the room like the sun. Take the risk, step up to the plate and give it your best shot. Aim your arrow and point it true. You cannot miss. Be sure of your steps because you’re heading in the perfect direction for you. We are all cheering you on. Can’t you hear us? We want nothing but the best for you right now.”

Virgo: “The world applauds you for all that you’ve done, but the time has finally come. Lock the door, lay down, close your eyes and breathe. Feel the weight of the world fall off your shoulders.  You do not have to carry the burden of everyone’s sins anymore. You are not responsible for kissing every single scraped knee better, and mending each broken heart. Allow yourself to focus on what you need. You can’t expect to save anyone if you yourself are drowning, my dear.”

Libra: “I know the storm is raging. The thorns sprouting from your blooming roses deprive your buds of the little sunlight they initially had. You’re feeling just as suffocated and trapped right now. Everything around you is a whirlwind of chaos, but don’t let that break you. Stand stronger than the storm pounding against you. Learn to make yourself big, even in the smallest of places.. Purchase some weed cutters; treat yourself to a solution, even if it’s temporary. Have faith in knowing that the storm will pass and the sun will radiate once more.”

Scorpio: “Heed my warning you stubborn child. Listen to me, I’ve been here before. This isn’t criticism or condemnation. It is just firm advice from someone who only wants to see the best in you. Who only wants to watch you succeed. By allowing the red haze of fury to cloud your mind, you surrender your better judgement. Every time you drink the poison you lose another piece of yourself to make room. The pressure builds inside you like a volcano and when you erupt; your pride, and joy will be your only casualties. You’re strong enough to let this shit go so, do it.”

Sagittarius: “Your words drip like venom from your fangs, digging under others skin. I know you think it shouldn’t hurt, but god does it ever. And yet, here you are, a beacon of optimism with a grin plastered on your face. What a beguiling cluster of traits you are. I can’t figure you out, and I suppose I’m not meant to. But if we could find some kind of peace that doesn’t give me anymore scars or leave you any more upset, I would call that a victory.”

Capricorn: “You’ve locked yourself in a tower for so long. Thinking that the only way to stop missing the sun’s warm glow is to never feel it in the first place. Open yourself up again. I know it terrifies you inside. But just because it gets rather cold some nights doesn’t mean the heat isn’t worth it. You can’t survive on your own forever. Eventually you’ll need to reach out. Just know I’m here waiting. Hand outstretched, waiting for your firm grasp.”

Aquarius:  "Time to look forward to a new sunrise. Grab your jacket and let’s go! You have so much to show the world and so much to accomplish. The church bells are ringing for you. Your time has come. They are calling you, coaxing you into glory. Do not be scared, this is the blank page you have been craving for. You just have to take the risk and jump. To push your fears aside, leave them behind. They won’t do you any favors.“

Pisces: “Use your innate strength as fuel for your inner flames and utilize them. You are a goddess and you own that shit! Time to start acting like it. Make these flames dry your tears, make them dance for you beneath the spotlight. Use them as a shield, or a deadly weapon. Make them your tool to carve art onto every inch of your world. Whatever you do, just make it yours. Because, Honey if you can tame the roaring flames within you- you can tame anything”

—  This Week In Astrology (Co-Written by @babygirlastro )
ask me things!

1. What’s one thing you would like to change about yourself?

2.  Are you religious or spiritual?

3.  Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?

4.  Are you more into looks or brains?

5.  What is a relationship deal breaker for you?

6. What’s your favorite book of all time and why did it speak to you so much?

7.  Would you ever take back someone who cheated?

8.  How do you feel about sharing your password with your partner?

9.  When do you think a person is ready for marriage?

10.  What kind of parent do you think you will be?

11.  Have you ever lost someone close to you?

12.  If you are in a bad mood, do you prefer to be left alone or have someone to cheer you up?

13.  Are you confrontational?

14.  Would you relocate for love?

15.  Did you ever write a journal?

16.  What’s the one thing that people always misunderstand about you?

17.  What did your past relationship teach you?

18.  What are your thoughts on online dating or tinder?

19.  What’s on your bucket list this year?

20.  What do you define as a family?

21.  Are my parents happy with the person I have become?

22.  What relaxes me?

23.  Can you handle the rigors of a long distance relationship?

24. What will people say at your funeral?

25. If you lost everything tomorrow, whose arms would you run into to make everything okay?

26. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing?

27. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

28. What were you doing when you last lost track of the time?

29. What can you do today that you couldn’t do a year ago? What will you be able to do at this time next year?

30. If you could ask for one wish, what would it be?

31. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?

32. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

33. Where would you like to live? Why haven’t you moved?

34. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking?

35. What bad habits do you want to break?

36. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence

37. Do you consider yourself the hero or the villain in your story?

38. How much control do you really have over yourself?

39. When did you last push the boundaries of your comfort zone?

40. What is something you believe is too serious to be joked about?

41. ask a different question, make it your own!

My mother tells me
that when I meet someone I like,
I have to ask them three questions:

1. what are you afraid of?
2. do you like dogs?
3. what do you do when it rains?

of those three, she says the first one is the most important.
“They gotta be scared of something, baby. Everybody is. If they aren’t
afraid of anything, then they don’t believe in anything, either.”

I met you on a Sunday, right
after church.
one look and my heart fell into
my stomach like a trap door.

on our second date,
I asked you what you were afraid of.
“spiders, mostly. being alone. little children, like, the ones who just
learned how to push a kid over on the playground. oh and space. holy shit, space.”
I asked you if you liked dogs.
“I have three.”
I asked you what you do when it rains.
“sleep, mostly. sometimes I sit at the window and watch the rain
droplets race. I make a shelter out of plastic in my backyard for all the stray animals; leave them food and a place to sleep.”

he smiled like he knew.
like his mom told him the same
thing.
“how about you?”

me?
I’m scared of everything.
of the hole in the o-zone layer,
of the lady next door who never
smiles at her dog,
and especially of all the secrets
the government must be breaking
it’s back trying to keep from us.
I love dogs so much, you have no idea.
I sleep when it rains.
I want to tell everyone I love them.
I want to find every stray animal and bring them home.
I want to wake up in your hair
and make you shitty coffee
and kiss your neck
and draw silly stick figures of us.
I never want to ask anyone else
these questions
ever again.
—  Caitlyn Siehl, “Three Questions”
Hey.

Just listen to me for a sec.

Breathe. Breathe deeply.

Stretch for a minute, straighten your back, have a drink and maybe a snack if you need it. Wash your face if you want to and freshen up, maybe rest once you’ve finished reading this.

Whatever you’re doing will still be there when you get back.

You’ve been working hard and doing a good job and I’m proud of you. You deserve a break for a second.

Just trust me on this, okay?

You’ve survived everything that’s happened to you up until this point.

That’s a lot of things, isn’t it?

You’ve gone through all that, and it doesn’t matter if you fought through it or cried through it or nearly didn’t make it.

It doesn’t matter because you’re here now.

You’re real, you’re here, and you’re okay.

And if you’re not okay right now, I promise you will be again sooner or later.

Because I believe in you.

I love you.

I’m so proud of you for being here today.

I’m so proud of you for existing here right now.

It’s a scary, painful, difficult world. I know. And sometimes it gets hard to exist and want to exist. I know.

Let out the emotions you’re bottling up. Let yourself breathe. Let yourself feel. Let yourself rest. Let yourself be you.

Just always keep existing. ‘Cause I’d miss you if you ever stopped, and there’s so much left in the world that you haven’t seen yet.

And always remember to breathe.

please help me

i really hate doing this i really really do but it’s come to the point where i physically, emotionally and mentally cannot take it anymore.

my family physically, emotionally and mentally abuses me.

long story short, i live in an abusive household. my parents are forcing me into debt by threatening me to go to university (when my job career path does not call for it). 

i cannot come out, i am not safe. they do not believe in mental illness and have THREATENED ME (physically as well) if i chose to take medication (which i desperately need for my mental illnesses, i still take it even with the backlash from my parents). they have threatened to kick me out and block my bank card and phone if i do not go to school, even when i dont need and and they make me take a ridiculous amount of classes, hence digging my own grave of debt. ALSO, adding to the school thing. i will have NO INSURANCE AND NO FINANCIAL AID (if i drop out) for my mental and physical illnesses in which i need medication for.

basically, im living in a house that in inhibiting me from transitioning, draining me of all my money and forcing me through an expensive education and debt and threatening me to do so . im sorry if this isnt making sense but im so tired and stressed.

i’ve done my part though, i have gone to school (from highschool, summer classes and university without a break), kept up my grades, DROPPED ALCOHOL AND SUBSTANCE ABUSE, i am now straight edge (this has saved me tons of money and has helped my emotional state tremendously, ive spent more time being productive and less time in the hospital and in therapy which also costs money) and even gotten 2 JOBS. i do commissions and i work COUNTLESS HOURS at mcdonalds, unfortunately because i have mcdonalds, my parents are now trying to make me pay for EVERYTHING, even things they want, and i really REALLY CANT AFFORD THAT.

my goal is to move out into the apartment with my boyfriend @animeadult and our awesome friend @cruciphix by april. however, my family has already drained my first paycheck and yet they take it out on me (even though it wasn’t a lot in all honesty, it was a lot to ME), ive been trying to earn DOUBLE by taking in more commissions and snagging as many hours as i can from mcdonalds.

im so tired and so desperate to leave my abusive family, and find a way to pursue my transition in a safe environment for me physically, emotionally and mentally. i genuinely apologize that it has come to this but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE if you can 

please donate to my paypal, its kaidenmichaels@gmail.com

and if u cant please spread this i just need to get out so badly i need to leave i really need to leave please help me.

if anything i will send a small drawing to those who donate as a thankyou, and you can even commission me its the same paypal just please.

i really need help and i know tumblr is a great place to go when someone needs it.

thank you for reading this and please share for me.

Enemies to Lovers meme

WARNING: Some phrases are toxic and can be taken as possessive behavior!

  • “This changes nothing… I’m still me, even if I’m with you.”
  • “That kiss… did you really mean it?”
  • “No one has to know about us, I know this could ruin you.”
  • “Yes, I love you, but I can’t ignore everything you did in the past.”
  • “Listen. We have to move on. Past is past, what we have now is everything.”
  • “Are you messing with me, because if you didn’t mean what you said, I will kill you.”
  • “Was that ‘just a fuck?’ I don’t think so.”
  • “You don’t have to say you love me. No one means it anyway.”
  • “Just let me love you, and you can pretend to love me. I don’t mind.”
  • “Don’t leave me now, I can’t bare it. We can go back to hating each other if it makes it easier, just don’t leave me.”
  • “I don’t expect you to change. I don’t want you to.”
  • “People will talk. Let them. Their opinions mean nothing to me.”
  • “It’s us against the world now, isn’t it?”
  • “Every time you kiss someone else, you’ll be thinking of me, I know it.”
  • “If fighting tells a person’s true nature, than no one knows you better than me.”
  • “If anyone lays a hand on you, I’ll break their every finger.”
  • “Nothing like years of unbridled hatred to make for the best sex you ever had.”
  • “I’ve wanted you for so long, I could never say before.”
  • “I can’t go back to the way things were before, being with you changed everything.”
  • “We can pretend that nothing happened last night,  but it did. And now we have a choice to make.”
  • “You know every time you made me angry, I fantasized about you… “
  • “I don’t regret one single moment, not one. It led me to you.”
  • “I guess this means we belong to each other now, hm?”
  • “If anyone tries to talk me out of this, I won’t hear them. I promise.”
  • “Are you sure you want this? There’s no going back now.”
  • “If you break my heart, I will deny everything and erase you.”
  • “This may be the worst decision I ever made, I don’t know. But we have to see if we can work.”

✰ * º ❛ even more popular text posts ask meme. ❜

‘  my kink is getting some fuckin sleep.  ’
‘  omg here goes your lil crybaby ass.  ’
‘  the beatles wouldn’t even fucking exist if big time rush hadn’t paved the path for them so shut the fuck up.  ’
‘  don’t start buddy. don’t you dare.  ’
‘  gay rights? true, as a gay, i am always right.  ’
‘  not to vent, but: fuck.  ’
‘  the worst pain is to make small talk with someone you once told everything to.  ’
‘  i think i accidentally break my own heart a lot.  ’
‘  sometimes ‘brb’ stands for ‘be ready bitch’ so you have to be careful.  ’
‘  i want to kiss you in a way that makes you not want to kiss anyone else ever again.  ’
‘  shout out to the people who are still friends with me even though i’m a fucking idiot.  ’
‘  it’s safe to assume that at any given moment i want to go back to bed.  ’
‘  i’m a big fan of anything that will help me chill the fuck out.  ’
‘  i don’t go through people’s pictures on their phone cause i wasn’t raised in the jungle.  ’
‘  i think we, as a people, just need to have a glass of water.  ’
‘  i don’t have enough black clothes.  ’
‘  sweetie, i could sleep for ten years and i’d still be tired.  ’
‘  i would sleep so much better with your arms wrapped around me.  ’
‘  me??? tired??? sleepy??? yes, constantly.  ’
‘  i’m pb&j – petty, bitter, and jealous.  ’
‘  the fact that sloths aren’t extinct somehow proves that if you go at your own pace and mind your own fucking business you too can succeed.  ’
‘  i wish i could be the person i want to be, but i’m too tired.  ’
‘  i always look sleep deprived. is that hot?  ’
‘  just because there’s always room for improvement doesn’t mean you’ll never be good enough.  ’
‘  my heart is a soft and sensitive mess.  ’
‘  all i want is a big garden and no responsibilities.  ’
‘  honestly someone not liking beyonce is a deal breaker and not for any political reasons, but just like you’re probably, definitely really boring.  ’
‘  hey guys, i’m a huge fan of genuine love and affection.  ’
‘  now i’m falling asleep and she’s calling a crab and he’s having a smoke and she’s kissing the crab.  ’
‘  i’ve been ever since i heard ‘lonely’ by akon at 9 years-old.  ’
‘  my new years resolution is to stop.  ’
‘  i’m irritated cause i’m not lovable in a romantic soulmate way.  ’
‘  i hate knowing that people that ruined parts of me still live and function like nothing ever happened.  ’
‘  i know i’m cute, but you can remind me.  ’
‘  hey, just wondering, but are you fucking kidding me????  ’
‘  i can’t wait to be in love with someone who is also deepfuck in love with me and we love each other forever n’ ever.  ’
‘  me? clingy? yes. please don’t leave me.  ’
‘  girlfriend application compatibility question: do you keep your depression pile on the bed or on the floor?  ’
‘  anything heart shaped is automatically 200% better. this is a fact.  ’
‘  today’s agenda: screaming into the abyss.  ’
‘  going from ‘today is a good day’ to ‘i hate my life’ takes me approximately 2.6 seconds.  ’
‘  everyone needs to wash their face and go to bed.  ’
‘  i’m worth so much more than the ways i’ve been treated.  ’
‘  hey, can i claim you guys as dependents on my taxes?  ’
‘  i really just ignore phone calls. like leave a message. i don’t check those either but like  ’
‘  i honestly just want to pack my bags and go travel the world and see and explore everything possible.  ’
‘  remember being little and thinking dandelions were fun or a pretty color or something and every adult in an 80 mile radius wouldn’t let you say that without screaming IT’S A WEED.  ’
‘  why did we just accept catdog?  ’
‘  my ‘stay in bed all day’ game’s too strong.  ’
‘  you deserve to be loved without having to hide the parts of yourself that you think are unlovable.  ’
‘  i always forget that i literally don’t owe anyone anything!  ’
‘  i wonder what it feels like to know what the fuck is going on.  ’
‘  honestly… us girls? us women? we always out here, knowin.  ’
‘  would an alien think i’m pretty?  ’
‘  i love boys, but only as a concept.  ’
‘  why do parents get mad when you sleep in all day? like i’m staying out of trouble and i’m not spending your money like what’s the issue here????  ’
‘  i identify as an inconvenience to the world.  ’
‘  i seriously regret telling anyone, anything, ever lmao  ’
‘  dating me is like dating a five year-old. i need all of your attention and i’m cranky if i haven’t had a nap.  ’
‘  i’m literally tired of myself.  ’
‘  don’t introduce me to ur parents unless you plan on marrying me because they’re going to love me and ask about me for the rest of your life lol  ’
‘  what the hell is a straight person? only straight thing i know about is the edge of my beloved sword.  ’
‘  i highly recommend never having feelings.  ’
‘  self care is going into a cornfield at night to get abducted by aliens.  ’
‘  staying up late with another human is such a weird thing like you get this special bond and a what-is-this feeling  ’
‘  do u ever feel like ur not even friends with ur friends?  ’
‘  um no offense but whom’st’ve going to loveth me?  ’
‘  date a girl who fucks everything up.  ’
‘  not all who mcfreakin wander are mcfreakin lost.  ’
‘  i may legally be an adult but don’t be fooled. i have no idea what i’m doing.  ’
‘  a fun and interesting fact about me is that i’m a fucking idiot.  ’
‘  you can start again anytime!  ’
‘  all you can do is learn your lesson. there’s no point in wishing you had did differently. the past is the past.  ’
‘  i can’t believe an angel like me has to suffer so much.  ’
‘  you’re all so obsessed with love and being loved. what about just going to sleep?  ’
‘  i’m smart, but i do dumb shit anyway.  ’
‘  tbh i never deal with my emotions. i just let them ravage my body and then go to bed and then i wake up and do it all over again.  ’
‘  first of all: i don’t know shit, so jot that down.  ’
‘  i’ll just ¯\ _(ツ)_/¯ my way through life.  ’
‘  i’m tired of things costing money.  ’
‘  don’t you hate it when you’re dead inside and run out of apps to refresh?  ’
‘  who cares? do better, move on.  ’
‘  i don’t need a significant other. just a significant income.  ’
‘  appreciation for everyone who’s ever talked to me bc i’m annoying and dumb.  ’
‘  thnks fr th mntl llnss.  ’
‘  what  hasn’t killed me has just made me overly sensitive and defensive.  ’
‘  i don’t know shit ya’ll!!!!! i’m just out here.  ’
‘  binge-watching is great until you run out of the show and have to start watching it weekly like some sort of medieval peasant.  ’
‘  i’m in the wrong realm and i think everyone can tell.  ’
‘  this might come as a shock but I’m Not Feelin too good my dudes.  ’
‘  i’m alive, but only ironically.  ’
‘  there she goes again being over dramatic and by she, i mean me.  ’
‘  do you ever feel like have tried Too Hard to a friend and now you have become That Obnoxious Weirdo?  ’
‘  lgbt: lasagna! garfield’s beloved treat.  ’
‘  my favorite phrase in the english language is ‘i shit you not.’  ’
‘  i’m a real boring bitch! a snoozer!  ’
‘  i honestly look so good lounging in an oversized t-shirt and no pants. when will someone experience the blessing of domestic living w/ me?  ’
‘  you don’t understand how hard it is to take a selfie when you’re ugly.  ’
‘  you son of a mumford!  ’
‘  hi, i’m here to ruin everything.  ’
‘  you can tell a lot about a person by looking at their hands. for example, if it’s a skeleton hand then they’re dead.  ’
‘  the year is 2020 and i am found guilty of treason against the united states for vague blogging that i hate someone and donald trump thought it was about him.  ’
‘  everybody calm down, we’re going to be fine! :))) we’ve weathered worse than this! :) :) :) :) really all this panic just seems like a huge overreaction imho   ’
‘  no beta readers. we publish our crap writing like men.  ’
‘  i need $$$$$ not feelings.  ’
‘  ‘idk imma see’ = i ain’t coming, never was coming, never considered it, never gave it a single thought, only remembered cause you asked again.  ’
‘  oops, i don’t care lol  ’
‘  why girls always crop the halo out of their selfies? stop being so modest. we know the truth.  ’
‘  maurice, you’re not gonna fucking believe this,  ’
‘  i always get told i look like a bitch bc i’m always glaring while i walk, but i’m not glaring, i’m squinting. i have sensitive eyes. they’re watering.  ’
‘  concept: it’s 3 am. candle lit room. a record is spinning. you’re kissing me. we have no worries in the world. we’re warm and content.  ’
‘  i need to go into the forest and scream for an hour and a half.  ’
‘  pls kill all men who yell at girls from cars.  ’
‘  life really isn’t what i expected it to be. less quicksand. almost no quicksand to be honest. lots of metaphorical quicksand tho.  ’
‘  i have a question for u: like are u done… like is it over?  ’
‘  we all have that one person who ruins your day by being alive.  ’
‘  we all have that one person who ruins your day by being alive. for me, it’s myself.  ’
‘  whenever i see police i always try not to act suspicious and fail internally even though i never did anything wrong.  ’
‘  new years resolution: less bitter, more glitter.  ’

Stories I enjoy

I wanted to make a list of Harry Styles one shots I really love. These are genuinely stories I reread often and plots that have made me either shed a tear or laugh. I always find recommendations really fun and helpful and wanted to do one of my own. I think I recommended some of these one shots in the past already but there are some new ones as well. Hopefully you’ll like them as much as I do. :) 

‘Mess o’Mine’ series and ‘Break my own rules’ - @hardliquorhaz

‘Proud of You’ - @greeneyesfournips

The ‘Separation’ series and the ‘Confession’ series - @4everinsane

Pretty much everything written by @softharrysquad

‘DFMO’ series - @roseonhissleeve

The ‘Break’ series  - @harrybutterflies

‘It’s because I love You’ and the rest of that series - @harry-writings

‘Writer in the Dark’ series - @pendantstyles

‘Pretty Baby’ series - @rue-by-another-name

‘Heartbreak Hotel’ - @harryforvogue

‘Tired of being alone’ - @goldennstyles

The ‘December Birthday’ series, ‘Are we friends or are we more’ series and ‘Worry’ by @bubblecumhxrry


But it’s not fair,
you’ve got “I love you’’s
in your mouth, not in your heart,
while my whole body sings of you,


But it’s not fair,
you smoke cigarettes,
because you enjoy it, while
I smoke them just to make you like me,


But it’s not fair,
you give me attention
only when you’ve got some free time,
while I free my time just to spend hours with you,


But it’s not fair,
one day you say you love me,
you say you want me in your life,
but when I need you, you disappear,


But it’s not fair,
that someone always loves more,
that someone always tries a little harder,
that someone always ends up hurting,
even when they gave everything they could.

— 

http://writies.tumblr.com/

love me, don’t break me

based on this post where lardo and shitty are accidentally pregnant

She was five weeks in and nothing was showing, but she’d been puking almost everyday and had refused Bitty’s pumpkin pie yesterday. Lardo hadn’t told her mom yet, and Shitty refuses to tell anything to his father, but she knows that his mother knew. Jack had called her immediately after Shitty freaked and told him a week ago, before freaking out himself and telling Bitty, who had broken into their apartment in order to make sure she was okay.

“I’m okay, people should stop asking me if I was okay, I’m pregnant, not sick.” She complained to Jack, who only answered by giving a silent nod.

“Shitty’s freaking out,” Jack said instead.

“I know.” She groaned and put her face in her hands. A moment of silence passed between the two before she lifted her head again. “I don’t want to chain him down like this or jerk him around emotionally. I know he wants me to keep it.”

“He wants whatever you want,” Jack said.

She knew that, but she could also read Shitty well enough to know that he was ecstatic and wanted nothing more than to have her keep it. And the scary thing was, she could also feel herself being as excited as he is.

“How are the two of us even remotely qualified to be parents? He’s just starting his job, and I have my job.” And Lardo wasn’t sure that her bosses would let her take a maternity leave. And even more terrifyingly, she just realized that she wasn’t on the life track that she had envisioned for herself with this job. Sports management paid a lot, and Lardo knew she was on the fast track to a good promotion, but now this forced her to look at her life, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to spend it all on picking up after athletes. But she wasn’t sure if she could provide proper care if she didn’t have this high paying position. And it was a downward spiraling mess of disaster.

It was as if Jack could read her mind, or at least the mood in her mind, because he puts a hand on her shoulder and leaned back on the sofa that they were sitting at.

“Maybe you’re thinking too much,” he said. “Just concentrate on whether or not you want to keep it, and trust in your friends to help you no matter which choice it is. We’re a team.”

She sniffed, and suddenly Jack found himself with an armful of Lardo. She let her tears and snot stain his sweater, and he held her through her trembling. When the two of them extricated themselves from their situation, Jack extended a fist, and Lardo bumped it.

“Got your back,” they said together.

Keep reading

You’re His Ex Girlfriend and You See His New Girlfriend Wearing Your T-Shirt: Part 4

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Masterlist linked in bio


Harry watches the wall clock as he waits patiently on his couch, counting the minutes until Y/n finally wakes up.

He’s barely slept all night, feeling a mix of anxiousness and misery as he thought of all the outcomes that could happen today. He also found himself looking at Y/n all night, watching her in her calmest state of mind and feeling a sense of tranquility as he sees her in her most beautiful form.

He could never get tired of it—admiring her in her sleep. But as the morning passed and the late afternoon started approaching, Harry didn’t know what the hell was going on.

She was still asleep, crashed on top of him as snores raided her mouth and the only movement being the slight rise and fall of her chest against his. He started to worry, solely for the fact that she slept at a completely reasonable time last night and was known to be an early riser. And since he barely got a blink of sleep, he knows she didn’t wake up for a second during the night.

At first, when it hit 12 hours since she’d fallen asleep, he tried to brush hair out of her face in an attempt to wake her from her slumber. Nothing came to his avail, however, when all he got was a slight shake of her head and a small smacking of her lips.

When the afternoon started to approach, he started to move his fingertips along her back and neck. But again, nothing; just a slight groan and a movement of her hips to get away from the sensation.

He gave up after that, helpless in disturbing her sleep and trying to get some sort of reassurance in the midst of his worrying. He really needed something, because his nerves were getting the best of him and he needed to rid the anxiety building inside of him.

That’s when he decided to call Gabby.

“She fell asleep at around 10:00 last night and it’s nearly 2:00 now. She’s barely moved, she’s still right on top of me and doesn’t even flinch when I turn. I’m really worried.”

Harry lifts his hand to her hair, softly brushing the knots out with his fingers, waiting to see if there’s any sudden movement. But there’s nothing, just the movements of her soft breath and the occasional repositioning of her neck.

“She’s barely slept in months, Harry. She’s not fully comfortable here, no matter how much she tries to tell me she is. There are nights she doesn’t sleep at all. She’s completely incapable of being alone anymore, she’s always thinking and it doesn’t let her calm down in the slightest, you know? And mixed with everything that happened last night, she’s probably extremely exhausted. Just let her get her sleep, yeah? She really needs it, trust me. Besides, you being there is helping her in the most.”

He looks down at Y/n, where her cheek is pressed against his chest as her eyes are closed in a dream. She looks most beautiful this way. It’s the peaceful, angelic side of her that he always remember her being.

She looks safe, too—away from any potential hurting and pressed so close against him as if he were the protector of her heart. He almost laughs at the irony of it all, how she’s the exact opposite of peaceful and nowhere near protected from any harm—especially in his arms.

And there’s a part of him that wishes he could stay in this moment forever, holding her to him as he watches her in her must vulnerable state. She doesn’t push him away, or tell him to stop staring at her, or cry because he still can’t figure out what to say. She’s oblivious to his admiration, and the second she regains consciousness in her reality, he knows this moment can’t last much longer, no matter how badly he wants it to.

“Yeah, of course I’ll let her sleep. You think I can move from underneath her without waking her? Might make her some food, can feel her stomach growl.”

“Yes, please make her something. She gets really upset sometimes and forgets to eat. They’ll be days I have to remind her. She really needs you to provide for her right now, more than anything. She shouldn’t wake up, though.”

It doesn’t take much convincing to get Harry up from the couch. Although it was a bit of a struggle to maneuver himself from underneath Y/n’s body and out of her tight hold on him—especially between her occasional whimpers and groans from the sudden movements—he managed to do so without waking her up too much.

He decides to make her her favorite breakfast, as well. He knows it won’t distract her from the problems they have to face, but it’s something—it’s something as opposed to all the nothingness he’s been giving her.

It doesn’t take much longer than half an hour before Y/n finally wakes up from her slumber. She’s confused upon her awakening, groggy and the remaining amount of exhaustion still present in her body.

She’s comforted, though, when she acknowledges that she’s back home with the aroma of breakfast filling the air. It reminds her of old times—mornings of her anniversaries with Harry and mornings of their birthdays or purposeful events. It’s everything that she’s missed and it brings a soft smile to her face. Only for a second, though.

“Afternoon.” He smiles softly, eyes watching her every movement as she leans against the doorway of the kitchen.

In any other circumstance, he would have greeted her with a proper kiss and held her against him for a while; but as he observes her red eyes, her tear-stained cheeks, and her overall broken down structure, he knows not to overstep his boundaries.

Y/n frowns, watching what would normally be the most heartwarming sight of her life—Harry cooking in the kitchen of their home, a smile on his face while the sun peeks through the windows—but is now only seeing it as something that could have been.

She wonders if this is how he spent his mornings with Jessica.

He frowns slightly, too, when he sees her in the way she is now. There’s absolutely no life to her. He can tell that the Y/n that he knew is long gone—now replaced by a much more miserable soul. It almost brings tears to his eyes, seeing how much damage and destruction he’s caused onto her. He feels as if he’s taken away Y/n’s heart entirely, only leaving her to suffer through the loss.

“I, uh—" he mutters softly, realizing that he’s been staring at her for longer than he’s probably supposed to, “I made you some chocolate chip pancakes. I know it’s a little after lunch time but Gabby told me you haven’t been eating as much and well, I kind of figured I’d make you something I know you can’t resist.”

She wants to appreciate the gesture, she does. She wishes that she could look past the gloomy side of the situation, and instead focus on the fact they’re together again. Even if it’s the bare minimum—where Harry does all the speaking while she just listens with a stupid pout on her face—there’s a reflection of what their relationship was like before their time apart, and she feels as if it should be making her feel something other than sick to her stomach.

But she just can’t, no matter how hard she tries. She can’t quite understand how he’s doing so well. Not a part of him resembles her ruined self. He’s so put together, even after everything that’s happened. He’s still alive, which is almost the exact opposite of how she feels; and she can’t help but to wonder if he ever felt the way she did—broken and helpless. She wonders if he even cared.

And if there’s anything that can make her feel worse than she already does, it’s if Harry continues to pity her—to treat her like a charity case when he was the reason for all of this. He should be the one sulking from his mistakes, on his knees begging for mercy, but it’s her. She’s suffering the pain for the both of them and she doesn’t know how much longer she can bare it.

“Is this how it’s going to be?” She whispers, tears flowing from her eyes and she’s genuinely surprised that there’s still some left to cry.

Harry’s heart stops as he watches her break again. He doesn’t want to witness her in that form again, he doesn’t even know if he can; and imagining the pain that must be bursting through her veins is only making this harder for him.

“You’re just going to pretend like everything is okay? While I stand here, practically begging you to say something to me about all this, you just continue to show off how perfectly fine you are?”

“What?” He asks, nearly dumbfounded by her accusations. “No, baby. That’s not—no.“

He doesn’t know exactly where all this came from, considering there isn’t any part of him that’s feeling any sort of sanity. He’s been suffering, too, no matter how much he tries to hide it for her sake. The masking his hurt has been hiding under has been wearing thin over the past couple of weeks, but he couldn’t bring himself to show her how much this affected him.

He was always the one to stay strong for the both of them. No matter what came their way, he was always the one to bottle up all of his emotions and get them through whatever it was bringing them down. He couldn’t break, especially not in front of her. He has to be the one to mend them back together; he doesn’t have a choice, considering he was the one who broke it up in the first place.

“You think I’m fine? You actually think I’m okay with all this? You haven’t even—you haven’t even seen me before last night, and even then I was a wreck. Y/n, how could you even think like that?”

“Look at you!” She yells, eyes widened and teeth clenched as she speaks. Her hands are at her head, pressing at her temples in complete hysteria and despair. “All fucking pretty and perfect! I don’t see anything wrong with you, like there’s nothing gripping at your throat or feeding your insides with the guilt that should be eating you fucking alive right now!”

“Y/n—“

“And look at me! Just take a goddamn look at me and how fucked up I am! Do you see what the problem is? Do you see how none of this is fair to me? Fuck you and fuck your precious happiness, and fuck your selfish decisions and just fuck you, Harry! Fuck you!

Her voice is harsh and loud enough to nearly echo from the walls. The cries and whimpers haven’t stopped, either, and there’s a certain type of tension building between them that’s nearly sucking the air from their throats.

But she’s not stopping, not yet. She still has so much to say and nothing is getting in her way, not now.

“How did it feel, Harry?! How did it feel to love on some other woman while your ex-girlfriend was alone and breaking on her bed?! Was it nice?! How did it feel?!”

Harry’s jaw clenches once the words leave her mouth, and his hands are balling to fists at the side of his thighs. He’s frustrated—frustrated because she’s so blinded by her own pain that she hasn’t eve acknowledged his. And the way she’s making it sound—like he doesn’t love her, like he doesn’t care—almost makes him throw up.

As much as he fucked up, he never imagined to be perceived as such a villain. She’s looking down on him, digging into his insecurities and accusing him of being a man he knows he’ll never be capable of being, and he doesn’t like it one bit. As much as he had done wrong, he never found pleasure in her pain and he doesn’t even want to think about how that thought processed through her brain.

“Are you being serious right now? You really need to tell me this isn’t some sort of sick joke.”

Her eyes narrow up at him, and for the first time since he’s seen her, she starts to laugh.

It’s a habit she’s obtained whenever she tries to hold back all the anger boiling inside of her. It’s a rare occasion, considering she never really gets mad, especially at him. But she’s on the edge of complete rage, and she feels it building inside of her.

She still has tears falling from her eyes, and they’re both unsure whether it’s from the laughter, the pain, the anger, or all three of them.

“You think I’m joking? You want to hear a real joke, Harry? You saw me. You saw me at the grocery store, you saw me looking at Jessica wearing our shirt and you didn’t do anything! You did absolutely nothing, you just fucking stood there and watched me fall apart. What kind of twisted shit was that, Harry? Did it make you feel good about yourself? Or was it a nice image to look back on while you fucked Jessica the following night?”

All his frustration subsided when her voice started to crack and shake between her words. Her emotions are scattered, along with his, but he can’t help but feel an aching in his chest when he sees how helpless she looks.

Looking back at it, Y/n gets the same exact feeling she did that morning—betrayed, broken, and completely hated. There is no other explanation for it. He had to have hated her, for whatever reason it may be, it’s the only thing that makes sense.

The Harry that loved her would never leave her to fend for herself. He wasn’t the same man she remembered him being. The kindhearted, selfless, loving man she fell in love with was not the man she came to contact with—standing with a mysterious girl, showing her off in the t-shirt that meant everything to him and Y/n.

He had to have hated her.

“Is that—“ his voice cracks, and he has to swallow the lump building in his throat before he continues to speak, “Is that what you think? That I just watched because I’m heartless?”

She sighs, shaking her head softly. She crosses her arms at her chest, tucking her hands beneath them as her eyes drift away from his.

She never thought he was heartless, but there must have been something he had against her for him to not say anything to her. She deserved an explanation, or even a half-assed apology at the slightest. But she got nothing. All she got silence and heartbreak and everything inside of her knew that she didn’t deserve it.

There had to have been something.

“No, I just—I never felt so hated before. It was like—like you found some sort of comfort in watching me suffer. You never did that, Harry. You never did that to me, not in all the years that I’ve known you and knowing that you didn’t want me anymore was like all the life was sucked out of me all at once.”

She closes her eyes as she sobs, clutching the fabric of her shirt in her hands right where her heart is.

“Just imagine feeling your heart stop beating and your lungs collapsing all at once. I thought you hated me, Harry. Nothing was worse than feeling that, nothing.”

An inhumane sound emits from Harry’s chest—something between a sob and a growl—a sound she’s never heard before and it’s utterly pitiful.

He’s never thought of it in that way. The thought of Y/n thinking he’s hated her never crossed his mind, always just assuming that she was so upset because Jessica crept her way into his life. But the more he thinks about it, all the more it makes sense.

When he saw Dan wearing Harry’s ring, all the hope that Y/n was ever going to love him again was ripped away from him. The feeling of betrayal and heartbreak was so overwhelming because while he was suffering from the loss of her, she was finding comfort in somebody else and nothing brought him more pain than thinking she didn’t love him anymore.

And that’s exactly what he did to her. She was waiting for him—waiting for him to come back and fight for their relationship. She was alone and hurt all throughout the nights while he was finding pleasure in another woman to get him through the pain.

He’s put her through so much that she didn’t deserve, and he doesn’t know how he can live with himself for it.

He whimpers, tentatively reaching out for the hand that’s decorated with his rose ring, and slowly brings her against his chest. She buries her face in his t-shirt as she weeps out the rest of her tears, tugging at the back of his t-shirt in agony.

“No, baby. No. Please don’t ever think that. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know what to say, and everything that I wanted to say was getting so scrambled inside of my brain that I couldn’t even understand what was happening. There were so many things, my love. There were so many things I wanted to say to you but I just couldn’t, and it’ll be something I have to live with for the rest of my life.”

He presses a kiss to the top of her head, squeezing her a little tighter in his arms as he brushes out her hair between his fingers.

She feels his tears at the top of her head, but she doesn’t pay any attention to it. All she can wrap her head around is that Harry’s holding her again, shielding her from any other hurting that could get to her. And as much as she does want to push him away, she can’t, because she can finally fucking breathe again.

“And I’m so sorry, Y/n. I’m so sorry for all of this. I could never hate you, my love. I love you so goddamn much, you have to believe me. You don’t deserve this pain, sweetheart. I’ll do whatever it takes to mend you, okay? If you give me the chance, I’ll take the time to fix you. You just have to work with me.”

She nods against his chest, pushing him away from her a little bit so that she can look at him in the eyes. They’re red and soaked with tears, but she’s missed them all too much and they still make her weak in the knees.

“This will be a slow process, do you understand me? There’s a lot of lost trust and a lot of work that needs to be done when it comes to our relationship. I’m not risking this again, so we’re taking this slowly. I’ll stay at Gabby’s for another few weeks until I can fully trust you again. You’re not pulling that shit on me where you call Jessica when you’re lonely, you hear me? You call me. We’re in this together and we’re in this for a long time, but we have to do this my way.”

He nods feverishly, closing his eyes as he does so. His fingers dig into her back as he exhales strongly, almost as if releasing a breath he’s been holding in.

“We’ll go at your pace, sweetheart, I promise.”

She smiles softly—a true, heartwarming smile that Harry swears he could look at for the rest of his life. It somehow mends the ache in his chest and he starts to cry from happiness, this time, and he’s never been so relieved in his life.

“We’re really doing this, huh?” She giggles, running her fingertips along his back. “We’re really starting this all over again?“

He smiles down at her, admiring the woman he’s loved with every bit of his heart. She’s never looked so goddamn perfect, either, in this moment of complete serendipity.

“Yeah, we are.”

“I’m just asking this one thing of you.” Her voice was calm, but it wasn’t enough to cover the storm that raged inside of her. He already knew what she was going to ask. To be frank, he’d been waiting for it, had thought it’d happen every time they locked eyes. But she’d given him the silent treatment, waiting for him to make the first move and explain. He hadn’t caved in, not to the coldness in her eyes or the stubborn tilt of her jaw. Yet. Apparently she’d run out of patience.
“Why do you keep pushing me away? Be honest with me.” Honest. That word alone drove a hundred needles into his skull. If there was one thing he sucked at, it was honesty, especially if it concerned people he loved. Especially if it led to him admitting to a weakness. Admitting to fear.
“Every time I think I managed to get through to you, it’s like you never heard me at all. It’s like you don’t even try to listen. You’re not making an effort.” How very wrong she was but that too was something she could not know. Something he could not say out loud because words had a funny way of backfiring and making things even worse.
“You’re right. I’m not making an effort. I don’t want to. I don’t care.” Her face fell and his heart sank. What kind of person was he to protect his own skin, to let her put her heart on the line and not give anything in return?
“I think you do,” she said quietly. “I think you see where this is going and you’re scared so you’re trying to make me leave on my own. But I won’t. I won’t leave you no matter how often you push me away.”
“You want me to be honest?” She nodded and straightened, throwing her shoulders back. Every inch of her was attentive.
“I fall in love hard and fast. It takes as much time for me to fall out of love. I open my heart, I get attached, everything is fine until it isn’t. Until someone ends up breaking my heart or I break theirs and it always ends in fights and screams and tears and I’m sick of it.” Without noticing his hands had balled into fists. Heat rose in his cheeks. Never had he meant to lose control like this. His tone softened. “If I don’t risk anything, I don’t lose. That’s it. It’s not your fault.”
She reached for his hand and squeezed, gentle but firm.
“But you don’t know how it ends before you start, do you? You cannot possibly know.” Every part of him wanted to pull away, had to pull away, but he couldn’t. He’d been running for so long, struggling so hard, twisting and winding and always escaping. But he was tired. His very soul was tired.
“Because if you don’t risk anything, you can’t win, either,” she whispered, pulling him closer and closer until the only thing he wanted to be was honest with her. Until he no longer wanted to escape.
—  I’ll risk it for you / n.j.
I Am Not Doing You

Request: @crownie-sr   Hello Ms. Taw, Would it be so kind if you could a Bucky drabble for #44 because I WOULD LIKE TO DIE FROM READING ONE OF UR WRITING BECAUSE THEY TOO GOOD FOR MY FUCKING EYES

Prompts:   44)  You didn’t do the dishes, I’m not doing you.” ( I changed a little bit, I hope you don’t mind)

Words: 1170

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: Fluffy and a little bit of smut but barely.

Thank you @widowsfics  you are the best and i love you.

As soon as you entered your apartment you knew something was wrong, the place was too silent and too cold for your liking. Your heart broke when you saw your boyfriend cuddling up with your pillow and blanket in your bed. 

He looked so vulnerable right now, he was relaxed but at the same time, he looked like he hadn’t slept in ages. Your heart breaks a little because he looks so adorable, that you can’t help to lay next to him and trace your fingers in his jawline and hair. 

Even being asleep you can see how tired he is, he has bags under his eyes and he still has his scruff for a few days ago. You plant a kiss in his forehead making him moan, you doubt that he even knows what is happening right now “Wake up, baby. I am here and I love you.” You say softly, making him know that he is safe.

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anonymous asked:

Hello there; I've been looking through your blog and, as many others say, I just ADORE your art! I was also wondering if you could give me some advice. For quite a few months now I've utterly lost all motivation to draw. I want to go into something with art, so this devastates me, and whenever I try to draw I just get so easily frustrated. I've been an avid artist since I can remember, so for me to suddenly not want to draw for months on end really concerns me. Any suggestions to fix this?

(hi!! apologies for the late reply. i hope this can still be of some help to you despite that!)

i think that’s a feeling every artist struggles with at some point. you love art, you love making art, and it’s immensely frustrating when that suddenly doesn’t work out despite all the effort you’ve been putting in. and then you start to lose motivation, question yourself and everything you’re doing, and it’s a vicious cycle that’s really hard to break out of. so what can we do?

well, here’s a thing. let’s call it the productivity branch.

i feel like my own creative cycles are very seasonal. not in the sense that my creativity depends on the season, but rather that my creativity itself goes through different seasons.

  • spring: new ideas, motivation, productivity still low 
  • summer: lots of ideas and very productive
  • autumn: still productive drawing leftover ideas, but new ideas are harder to come by. and then 
  • winter: nothing. art-block. lack of ideas, everything-sucks-syndrome, no motivation, the creative part of my brain is basically hibernating

that’s you up there. you’re in a creative winter right now. and without any inspiration or motivation it’ll be hard to find a way to cross that gap over to a new spring (pls bear with the cheesy analogies). and if your cut yourself off from inspirational influence you might start to think that, hey, this isn’t so bad. i mean, who needs spring right? just means you have to do things. be active. yikes. winter’s pretty chill. haha. 

but don’t do that. it’ll come around and bite you at some point, because that lack of motivation and activity might start to seep into other parts of your life, not just the creative one, and you don’t want that.

so! when you don’t have ideas and motivation to create, then don’t create. but instead make an effort to inspire yourself. inspiration entails motivation (and vice versa).

  • read books, short stories, poems, science articles, anything
  • go on walks, explore your surroundings, if affordable maybe even go somewhere farther away
  • let people tell you stories
  • listen to new music
  • try things you haven’t done before (deliberately break old habits)
  • go through other people’s inspiration blogs
  • collaborate with a friend
  • get really invested in something, talk to others about it
  • watch movies, animated shorts, documentaries 
  • or speedpaintings and art tutorials
  • try different techniques, or new brushes
  • look at art that’s so inspiring that you can’t believe you’re still just sitting there not drawing anything yourself
  • and most importantly, be receptive. take in the world around you, rearrange it in your head, and draw whatever you end up with. that’s the core of what creativity is

think about what you want to achieve. make your friends smile? draw something really cool you can print out and hang up in your room? touch people’s hearts? deliver a message? whatever it is, and however small or inconsequential it might seem, keep it in mind. it’s your light at the end of the tunnel.

if want to keep drawing for the sake of muscle memory while you’re still looking for your inspiration: 

  • illustrate your daily activities
  • draw a random shape or find one in a photo (clouds are ideal for this) and turn it into a character or object
  • pick different pictures and combine elements from each of them into one drawing
  • do plain ol’ studies 
  • basically don’t try to come up with things completely from scratch. find something to work with and go from there. that will save you the mentally draining task of coming up with a subject, so you can start actively drawing right away

if you still can’t make yourself pick up a pen, make a schedule. train your brain to turn its creative gears at a specific time of the day, make that a habit. do it for pavlov

approach drawing with the awareness that what you create might suck, especially when you’re out of practice, but this doesn’t mean that it will always suck, and it doesn’t mean you suck. if you learn to dissociate your current creative achievements from your worth as a person and your future potential you will get back to work a lot easier, improve faster, and be more resistant to setbacks. 

find something that makes it worth the effort of working through the frustration. 

you might need to try a lot of different things because everyone copes with this differently, and even when a method worked once that doesn’t mean it always will. so start trying! you can only find inspiration if you start looking for it. 👍

I could physically feel you losing interest in me. Our 3 a.m. conversations had turned into 3 minute chats. Everything was surface level, and it absolutely broke my heart because I wanted nothing more than to have you back in my life. I felt like screaming at you to just Speak to me, but I knew it was futile. Sometimes no matter how much two people want to make it work, it’s not meant to happen.
—  Losing a Friend Hurts so Much// a Excerpts From a Book I’ll Never Write
No decency II Pt.1

There were two things you despised in your current situation. The first thing accrued to be that your mom decided to move in with her new husband. The second one was that playboy number one Jeon Jungkook turns out to be your new stepbrother. As your parents spontaneously go on vacation you and Jungkook have to deal with the building tension between the two of you until an upcoming house party leaves you panting underneath him.


genre: stepbrother!jungkook, dom!jungkook, smut

word count: 9.8k

Originally posted by eatupbangtan

The music was loud enough to wake you up. With a tired hand you grabbed your phone from your night stand to see that it was just six in the morning. At least two hours of your holy sleep got taken and it made you furious. Who the hell was that ignorant to think of getting ready with such an amount of noises at this time of day. Sure thing it had to be Jeon Jungkook. Your dear new stepbrother whom you knew was the iconic playboy of your college had no decency. It was not the first time such a morning was presented to you.Groaning you tried to open your eyes against the light of your phone while shoving the warm sheets off your body. Heavy steps followed as you dragged yourself to the bathroom across your bedroom. It turned out that the suspect had forgotten to close the door so that the music flowed around the floor to your own bedroom. It was too much for you and this is why you just stormed inside. Why had he to fuck your mind at this rate? Your sleep was something you treasured and now you will not be able to get it soon. “The fuck! Jungkook! Turn the fucking volume down before I kill you”, you shouted brows furrowed with anger. But just at this moment your eyes accustomed to the bright light of the bathroom’s lamp. Shock traced your tired features. Jungkook looked at you with confusion and amusement as he saw why you were so shook. Your own fault for barging in on another person as he took a shower, he thought. One of his hands pulling up the towel around his waist a grin spread across his face.

“Y/n, don’t you think it’s rude to barge in on me after taking a shower?”, his low teasing voice filled the room, “If you really want to get a glance at my naked body you just have to ask. I won’t refuse such a wish of my cute little stepsister.”

Avoiding your gaze from his toned chest and those delicious looking abs was not an easy task. This is why you stared at him with wide eyes while his dark wet hair caused drops of water to fall onto his naked torso. A loud gulp was heard whereas Jungkook turned his body in your direction. Not even the small towel could hide what lay underneath it. The piece of cloth hung loose on his hips so that the outline of a light path of hair was left at the hem of it. Your eyes traced it only for a short time but long enough for him to notice.

“Like what you see?”, Jungkook’s voice got an octave lower. You seemed not to realize the missing distance that separated your bodies before his voice woke you from your trance.

“Fuck off, okay? Just turn this shitty music off. Have you no decency?”, you said, turning on your heels. “Better try to adapt in this family or you get a beating.” Those were the words before you pulled out the plug of his music box.

Jungkook clearly was amused as he watched your actions. He developed a thing for your little outburst the last few weeks. Low giggles escaped his throat:“How would she even try to beat me?”


Fuming you tried to get some more sleep but it was impossible. After discovering Jungkook half naked with droplets of water running down his perfect chest your thoughts hung upon this picture. Sparks of the moment appeared every time you closed your eyes wherefore you decided to go through your stuff for the upcoming exam. Concentrated work distracted you from the images of your stepbrother until your mother called for breakfast.

Slowly you got downstairs turning around as you saw that he appeared right behind you. Without saying anything your movements got faster. You would not deal with him twice a day. Jungkook only grinned at you actions. He knew that it would not be long before he would have you, he was sure about that. Right after meeting you he planed to crush your daily life and your oh so holy pretending of a happy family. Therefore he just had to wait for the right opportunity to catch you.

“Sit down, we have to announce something”, your mother made sure that you both had your breakfast as she and her husband sat across the two of you. “As you both know your dad and I didn’t have a chance to go on our honeymoon. Please, y/n, before you say something let me speak. A few days ago we booked a flight for two weeks to Australia. This means we have to speak about some rules while we are gone.”

Shock washed over you. Was she for real right now? They wanted to go on vacation, sure thing, but this meant for you and Jungkook to be alone for two whole weeks? Disbelief sneaked up to you face as you stared at your mom. There was no way you would both survive those weeks. Neither he would be thrown out by you or killed. Another option was just impossible.

“But this is wonderful! We will get along so well, don’t worry”, Jungkook spoke while laying his arm around your shoulders. Your natural instinct was to wiggled his arm down but to your surprise he gripped you even harder. “We won’t stand in your way if you want to have a romantic holiday.”

The boy’s eyebrows shot up while winking at your parents. Even your mom’s cheeks flushed at his actions. Was there anybody you could resist his charms? Satisfying enough, there was you.

“To be honest, we would fly even without your blessings my son”, his father interfered with a slight smile. “But you two have to follow some rules if you don’t want to be left with your grandma beside you.”

The boy next to you stiffened. It seamed he would never allow his father to organise some sort of babysitter for him.

“First parties”, he continued, “Throw them but if anything precious is shattered or some of your friends touch my car I will chop your heads off. Second cleaning. Just make sure that after we are back our house is sparkling.”

“We even made a list for the things you have to do. And y/n, if you want to use the pool, there is an annual on how to use the pump…”


After your breakfast you were more exhausted than this early morning as Jungkook woke you up. All the instructions were written down by your parents. It would have been so relaxing if there were not the hot dork you were forced to live with. Why had your parents allowed to throw parties in the first place? You knew there would not be a single evening without a huge amount of salacious girls and drunken boys running around the house. Even now you could feel how a headache loomed behind your forehead. On your way to your lecture you could hear how footsteps approached you.

“Y/n, just so you know let them have their awaited honeymoon”, a low voice began to speak. Your own eyes rolled up you stopped.

“You know what? I don’t even care just don’t get on my fucking nerves while they are gone”, your tone showed how annoyed you actually were. You really did not care if they were gone but you wanted a little peace from him even if it was just in college. That was the reason why you resumed your path to the huge building in front of you.

“Why so prickly”, a laugh followed, “I don’t want anything from you. But a few guys will be sleeping over for some days.”

With that he was gone. Could this day be any more worse? First you woke up at six in the morning, found Jungkook in the bathroom, your parents wanted to leave you with this womaniser and now you had to deal with guys you never got to know in your own house? Yes, it was definitely a headache you had.


“But y/n that is so damn awesome, what is your problem?”, Mina, your best friend, stated as you told her how you had a horrible morning. Even the news that occurred to be a nightmare to you let her light eyes sparkle. She had a thing for Jungkook and his friends unlike you even though you both knew that they played on another league as the two of you. They would never mind toying with the feelings of other girls. You knew Jungkook as well as his buddies had some kind of reputation as the hottest but most dangerous guys on the campus. You were even sure that they had more than half of the female population in bed.

“Don’t you get it, Mina? If my mom is gone I will be the one who has to look after all the mess he and his friends will make of our house. This is why I’m so pissed.”

Mina looked at you a half worried half excited expression on her face. The green grass you sat on quiet warm as you ran your hands over it nervous. In your head there were countless situations you were sure would be present in no time why you were uneasy and tried to find solutions before such things might happen.

“Y/n, I will be by your side. Let me stay at your house as long as his friends stay and everything will turn out to be alright, yeah?”, she tried to calm you down but you knew she just wanted to come over to spy on Jungkook.

“Promise me that you won’t play dirty tricks to get closer to them!”

A sneaky grin appeared on her face. Her green eyes sparkling brighter than before. “Oh you have no idea.”

The rest of your break you discussed on how you were able to make his life as hard as possible. After talking to Mina your head felt a little lighter because you knew you would not have to stand alone against the boys that would be at your house this evening. If you had known that this was just the smallest of your problems.


“So just be careful and protect your stepsister, Jungkook”, were the last words of your parents who waved at you through the window of your mom’s car. A fake smile plastered on both your faces you also waved them goodbye for their long awaited vacation. The foul feeling that spread through your body as you watched how their car left only got worse while you heard Jungkook laugh next to you.

“What’s so funny?”

“Y/n, you need to chill. Seriously I’m not gonna eat you”, the boy started with a flashy smile that showed his bunny teeth. If you would not know better you would have sort of it as pretty cute, “Unless you want me to eat you out.”

This guy was too much. With loud footsteps you marched back inside.

“For real leave me alone you dork”, you stated, “Mina is coming over so stay with the guys in your room. Unless you want me to kill you.”

“Copying someone phrases is a sign for adoration”, Jungkook grinned back at you an eyebrow pulled up.

“Just shut up.”

“Ah y/n, just so you know. Friday we throw a party. Your appearance Is highly appreciated. And your friends as well, so join us”, the good looking boy told you with a final glance in your direction before he went towards the garage. “Going to buy some stuff for over the weekend.”

You said nothing. At least the parties did no begin today or tomorrow. So you had time to prepare where to sleep because you did not want to stay when he partied with his friends and countless drunken girls who threw themselves at him.


Around evening the bell rang for the first time. In hopes that it was Mina who you thought was punctual one time it was not her as you opened the front door. The sight in front of you left you quite speechless. A boy your age maybe one or two years older stood at your entrance, some bottles of liquor in his hands. His hair had the colour of a light orange that perfectly fit his taint. His clothes were simple, a white shirt, black ripped jeans and black boots. Just the light blue leather jacket was what caught your eye except for the handsomeness of the guy. Confused dark eyes looked down on you as you just stood there in awe.

“Uhm..”, he cleared his throat and glanced at the address as well as your last name. “Isn’t Jeon Jungkook living here?”

Perplexed you shook yourself. So this freaking beautiful guy is one of the fuck boys Jungkook invited over? Another term was just not fit for his friends.

“Yes”, was the only word you spoke before pointing at the white staircase behind you. “Last door at the right.”

The boy’s eyebrows shot up. Jungkook had never mentioned that he actually had a sister. It was quiet a shock for him.

“I’m Jimin, sorry for the intrusion.”

Dumbfounded you nodded as he stepped in and smiled at you. Oh, he was attractive. The heart of yours began to race a little but before you could respond to Jimin a familiar voice was heard from above you.

“Hey Jimin!”

Annoyed you closed the door. Sure thing Jungkook would come run downstairs as he heard the voice of his best friend.

“Why have you never told me that you have such an adorable sister, Kookie?”, Jimin said while looking at you with dark eyes. Gulping you could not resist his gaze.

“Jimin y/n, y/n Jimin”, Jungkook pointed his hand towards you then to Jimin and back. Annoyance was heard through another feeling you could not grasp. “Nothing worth telling you.”

A little hurt you shrugged your shoulders: “He’s always like this. Maybe you should teach him some manners, Jimin.”

Jungkook stared at you in disbelief. You were in no position to say something like this in front of Jimin. He clenched and stuck out his jaw but before he could give you a heavy remark Jimin cleared his throat again.

“Guys chill out. We will go upstairs, Kookie”, the orange haired boy suggested. One last nod in your direction he pushed Jungkook in the direction of the staircase the boy came running down a moment ago.

“Dude, why have you never told me that after your dad’s marriage, you had to live with such a hottie?”, Jimin whispered in the boys ear as they strolled up the stairs.

“Don’t even think about it. She is off limits, understood?”, Jungkook’s voice was laced with a silent warning. As if to defend himself Jimin held his hands up.

“A little flirt is allowed, isn’t it?”

Jungkook closed the door behind him. “If I see you toying with her I’m going to rip that dick of yours out.”

With that the boys dropped the theme of you and began to plan the party they wanted to throw two day from now on.


It was nearly six as Mina finally appeared. Two other times you opened the ringing door just so see that some guys you knew slightly visited. Taehyung and Yoongi, two especially dangerous guys were now staying in your stepbrother’s room. Unfortunately it made you nervous to know that four extremely hot but characteristically low guys were in the room next to you.

Mina and you had decided to watch some movie as your TV was huge. Popcorn and Soda spread across the coffee table while the newest action movie was presented on TV. You had told her who was also in here already but as you wanted to drop the topic she continue sly tried to hold it up. At ten you heard as loud footsteps approached the big living room. Hadn’t you told Jungkook to just leave you alone and stay with his friends in his room? He already planned a house party to which you not even complained about in front of him.

“Ladies, what are you watchin’?”, a gruff voice reached your ears. Taehyung stood right behind the sofa you sat on. His cologne filling the room immediately. As well as Jimin Taehyung and Yoongi were utterly handsome you had to admit. The boy had light brown hair that fell onto his forehead. His clothing style was rather special as he wore a shirt with Petit flowers and tight jeans to brown flaps. Taehyung smelled rich and looked rich. But his actions were quiet poor, you knew.

“You know the new Marvel movie?”, Mina prompted before you had the chance to speak.

“Are you for real? Did it begin just now? Mind if we join you?”

You gave Mina a glance that told her to shut up but as you knew her long enough she just smiled brightly at Taehyung: “Sit with us! We can just wind the movie back.”

Would it not be for the safety of your manners you would have asked her if she has lost her sanity but a second later you saw three other figures storming in the room. The boy seriously had no decency. Now the six of you shared the huge sofa of yours. Annoyed was not the right term to describe what you felt. More like a feeling of irritation and frustration at the same time. Even though the sofa of yours was one of the hugest Jimin, who sat next to you, leaned way too much on you. Not that you hated it. It made you nervous to the point you shifted your body in Minas on your right.

“Y/n, what the hell. I don’t wanna cuddle you!”, the black haired girl whispered.

“Me neither but put up with it”, you whispered back.

The handsome boy next to you had the nerve to lean in even closer. Just as you were about to ask what he wanted you felt his mouth dangerously close to your ear. His fragrance that was strong from the beginning filled your nostrils again.

“Y/n, don’t you like it?”, his melodious voice whispered into your ear.

You nodded to his surprise and leaned back immediately. Ah, he did not understand. You did like it too much but admitting it right in front of your stepbrother who stared at you two with a piercing gaze told you to hold back. Regret sneaked through you as you watched as Jimin sank down next to you.

“Jimin, I just think it is not so good in front of Jungkook”, you told him honestly.

“He doesn’t care, y/n. Believe me”, he smiled slightly as he leaned back in. His plump lips were so kissable, you thought. If you would not sit in front of his friends you would have no shame to do it. You knew what his character had to look like if he was best friends with your womanising stepbrother but a taste was a taste. So you also began to slip further next to Jimin. What other force was driving you? Because you pulled his head down so that he could hear you better.

“Are you here on friday, too?”, you asked in a whispered voice that was laced with a little excitement.

A small grin played around his lips: “Of course I am. Why do you ask?”

“With encouraging liquor we may hold an interesting conversation then”, you told him as he bit is plump red bottom lip. How you wanted to taste it.

“I hope you mean what I just understood”, he giggled eyes crinkled.

“Someone wanna grab a bite outside?”, Jungkook’s voice was pretty loud as he spoke. “The movie is over so let’s go, I’m hungry.”

To your surprise the movie was really over now. You had missed the last parts as you tried to find a good position next to Jimin and the few sentences you exchanged. The tension that was built between you two was as if it never existed as Jimin and the other guys stood up.

“Can you also buy me something?”, Mina asked but Jungkook was rushing out. “Guess this was a no.”

“See ya, y/n”, you heard Jimin who stood in the door, “I’m excited for friday.”

“Y-yeah”, you stuttered as you saw that Jungkook’s view was on his friend. And the expression on his face told you you had annoyed him for once as you flirted with his friend. Although Jimin was so damn hot you knew more than flirting was impossible. You were not as dumb as all the other girls that fell for their tricks. At least you thought you would be smarter than them but this aspect was destroyed as you did a grave mistake.


The next one and a half days later you and your best friend made yourself ready for the upcoming party you wanted to attend. Luckily you would not have to run around at night to get home because your stepbrother decided to throw one right were you lived. You already heard the boys who were preparing the technical things such as a fogging machine and the speakers. Food as well as plenty of alcohol was presented on a long counter the guys had set up in your living room. You did not know how many people were expected but at the amount of provisions a few. Jimin spent the last day at your house as well. The exchanged glances and short conversations made you quiver in excitement. Only the death wishing glances of Jungkook bothered you.

You found yourself in between a pile of clothes that Mina threw out of your closet.

“Can you stop throwing my stuff?”, you laughed as one of you tops hit your head.

“I wouldn’t have to throw it all out if you would have at least one fucking thing that doesn’t calls ‘mommy’s girl'”, Mina’s muffled voice came out of your closet. “How can you have a walk-in wardrobe without sexy clothes?”

Frustration pushed through her calm surface.

“In my opinion I have plenty of sexy dresses!”, you tried to defend your poor taste. “But why should I even wear something like this?”

Mina’s head popped up. “For real, y/n? You think you will ever catch someone’s attention if you dress like a grade schooler?”

You did not understand. Jimin was a flirt nothing more and except from him there was no one here who caught your attention. There is.., you shook your head. This thought should not come up again. “I guarantee you third will be slutty girls who are running around Jungkook”, a not expected bitterness was caught in your voice but you ignored it.

Your friend jumped out of her hideout. A seductive grin playing on her lips while unfolding the one piece of clothing you had hid in the last corner of your wardrobe.

“Forget it. I’m not weaning this”, you escalated whereas Mina held your arm. No escaping for you.

“It matches my own dress y/n, so chill out okay? You will look gorgeous.”

About an hour later you two were ready. Mina had done your make up, hair and even coaxed you into the outfit she had chosen. She herself wore a tight purple dress that ended a few inches above her knee. It suited her as she were a delicate girl with long black hair and light eyes. If the boys would not fly on her you would not believe in god any more. Although you knew that she was not an angel and had slept with numerous guys already she was so dear to you that you wanted to protect her like she protected you all the time. Her confidence had reached levels yours would never scratch at. And this was the reason why you tried to pull the way too short silk black dress down since Mina forced you into it. You found it too revealing because the back cut-out reached nearly to your coccyx as well as the shortness of its lengths. Anxiety flooded you while you thought that your butt might be shown to everyone in the room.

“Y/n, stop it. Nothing can be seen. Except for your legs, back and your boobs”, your best friend teased you. Nudging she threw her arm around your waist. “Let’s have fun. But give me the key to your parents bedroom. I will not fuck in here.”

Disbelief washed over your face to which Mina laughed even more than before. “A joke!”

“Do what you want but not in my room, Mina”, you warned but smiled at her.


The bass drowned the music as the both of you made your way downstairs. You had expected many people but the storm that filled your house was more than you would have conceded. Your eyes followed countless of girls and boys already drunk. Most of the female guests wore more revealing pieces of clothes than you had on with higher shoes than Minas. You both exchanged glances before laughing.

“Guess Jungkook knows how to party”, the black haired girl shouted next to your ear. A slight nod was all you could manage to do.

As you went from your living room to your garden more and more unfamiliar faces appeared before you. Maybe a hand full of girls and boys you could recognize but the rest were strangers you had never seen. They must be friends from the other guys, you guessed while walking further onto your terrace. Fortunately the pool still was untouched and you hoped this would be the case the whole time. Dancing people crossed your path as Mina and you made your way inside again. Neither Jungkook nor Jimin got in your sight so you decided to be the silent watcher at the moment. Mina went to grab some drinks before she joined you standing at the kitchen counter.

“Have you seen anybody familiar? How about the host? I have to tell him about the pool”, you raised your voice against the loud music. Instead of answering Mina shook her head.

As you waited for Jungkook to appear you girls drank a bit and started moving to the beats. The dance floor that contained the main space of your living room was overflowing with lascivious moving girls. Shouts of different groups of boys animated these female guests to move even slutty.

“Why are they degrading themselves like this?”, you shouted to Mina.

“Attention whoring”, her amused voice dragged it’s way to your own ears, “How about drinking this liquid courage and going down with the girls?”

You contemplated for a moment but decided to do as Mina said. Why not? You had not to roll your body down like them but a little dance session with your bestie was a nice idea. Swallowing the last sips of you courageous drink gave you enough confidence for going. The both of you run on the improvised dance floor all eyes on you girls. Maybe the female clients were rolling against each other but you and your friend had all the attention. Dancing like crazy Mina shouted at you what you unfortunately did not understand. But right that moment your gaze flew to a figure you hoped to see all evening. Jimin stood to your right side where you were just minutes ago. His orange hair stuck out of the mass just like the handsome boy beside him. Jungkook and Jimin seemingly flirting with a small group of girls. Of course he would not hold back even if he knew that you will be present at the party.

“Guess all the little allusion lead into nothing”, you say to Mina in a slightly disappointed tone. The girl followed your eyes and nodded sadly at you.

“Hadn’t expected nothing less from him, so it’s a'right”, you assured her with a wink.

To be pretty honest it was exactly what you had thought he would do anyway. He was Jungkook’s best friend so it was crystal clear that his actions would go in this direction. Better your rational judgement you caught yourself looking a few times his way. Of course he had his hands on two girls at the same time. Your head snapped around as you saw that his gaze scanned the room. To your satisfaction Jimin as well as Jungkook seemed bothered by something which caused a light smile to appear on your face.

“Y/n, I’ve seen some delicious looking guy at ten”, Mina wiggled her eyebrows, “Can I leave you for good reasons? I’ll be back in an hour.” With that, Mina danced her way around the other guests to get to her living destination. You had no doubts that she would wrap him around his little finger in no time so you turned on your heel to return to your previous place in the kitchen. A new drink was exactly what you needed although Jungkook and his friend were present, too. Unfortunately you have not seen anybody you knew enough to hang out with. So the alcohol was your friend for the next hour.

It was quiet difficult to find a way through the mass of people that stormed your living room. Mostly girls stood in your way but in no time you reached the kitchen. Kind of exhausted you searched for the next bottle of alcohol and found it at the top of your kitchen shelf. It was your mom’s husband’s expensive liquor you filled your glass with. Your first sip burned your throat but it was so good you did not mind. Satisfied you placed it back behind the cheaper bottles so that nobody would see it or try to snatch it away from you. Just as you were about to take another gulp someone pressed his body right into your own from behind. Perplexed you swallowed your drink a little too fast.

“How are you going to pay for something this expansive, Baby?”, a low melodious voice grazed your ear, “Why don’t you turn around to show me your beautiful face?”

What the hell, was he for real? You did expect Jimin or some stranger who would run straight to Jungkook to tell tales but he himself?

“Are you crazy?”, fuming you turned around as far as his body allowed you to, to see that shock traced the boy’s seductive features. Jungkook stood so damn near you that you could feel his breath on your face. His scent was laced with a strong cologne, alcohol and mint. Would it not be Jungkook who stood in front of you in his black shirt with tight black jeans and raven hair that fell softly on his forehead you would not mind getting closer to the boy. But it was not anybody. It was Jungkook.

“Oh fuck, y/n?”, disbelieving he stared down your body not moving an inch, “You look amazing!”

Compliments? Your eyebrows shot up. Was he that drunk already?

“I didn’t recognize you in this..man, this revealing dress”, Jungkook continued.

Flushed cheeks followed his words that seemed to be just a defence for his actions.

“Yeah, so, mind if you give me some space?”, your voice trailed off as he started to raise his hand to grab the bottle you have had in your hands. Leaning over you he picked up a glass and poured the liquidity in it.

“For real, y/n, since when are you having such a nice outfit? I didn’t know you were capable of pulling off such a sexy dress.”

As he would not move you tried to escape his warm body. It was too much for you. Not that he was one of the most annoying persons in your life, no, he also drove you crazy. The alcohol was not your saviour in this situation, you were sure.

“Jungkook, fuck off”, you scoffed, “I have not the nerves to deal with your so called compliments.”

Now you stood next to each other leaning against the counter of your kitchen. Then Jungkook moved in your direction to scan you again.

“Come on, I mean it. Sincerely, y/n”, he tried to calm you down, “I really did not know it was you or do you think I would flirt with you?”

His actions were suspicious. You have not figured out in what way but there was something.

You shook your head. Maybe the amount of alcohol he already had swallowed made him weak.

“So why don’t you wander off to your cute little toys and have a fun night?”, you said as you tried to avoid looking at him, “Just like Jimin does.”

Did you really say this right now? You cursed yourself. This drink was definitely the last.

“So this is what’s bothering you?”, a small smile played around his red lips. Only then you noticed that his bottom lip was certainly bigger then the one above. Since when had he closed the distance again?

“No it’s not bothering me!”, you tried to defend yourself. Without success because Jungkook leaned in again. This time brushing your hair behind your ear.

He was so drunk, you were sure about that. Never has he tried to touch you..or has he? Your mind was clouded.

“Maybe Jimin wants you but isn’t allowed to touch you, y/n”, the boy got closer until his mouth was brushing against your now free ear. Goosebumps made its way on your arms. The physically reaction was not unnoticed as Jungkook slid his big, veiny hands across your arms.

“Wh-what the hell, Jungkook?”, you whispered back eyes wide with shock. What was going on? Did he not see that it was you who stood before him? “What do you mean by ‘not allowed’?”

The golden boy’s lips turned upwards again. “I told Jimin you are off limits and as he is my best friend he will not try anything again.”

Your stare was showing many emotions at the same time. Confusing, anger, arousal.

“Who on earth gives you the right to-”

“I want you, y/n”, Jungkook interrupted your outburst, “Ever wanted you. Since moving in. Believe me or not but I have seen you watching me.”

Cold sweat ran down your back. Since when did he even notice that you were watching him? You always tried to hide your interest in the playboy who turned out to be your stepbrother. In college you and Mina watched his every step. But as he moved in with his dad you repressed your interest in him completely. All the bickering you have done was to avoid him and his good looks that drove you insane at night.

“So what? You are clearly drunk, go fuck off already”, your hand began to shake as he not moved again. It was not the right time especially since you would feel bad for finding him so deliciously sexy. How he stood there, a cheeky grin spread across his lightly tanned face. Dark, chocolate coloured eyes looking way too far down your body.

“Okay, I will not pull anything again but let’s talk. We never had a decent conversation.”

A sceptical expression was drawing your features. Both of you stared neither on the drinks or the people dancing in the big room in front of the kitchen.

Jungkook broke the short silence: “Where is your friend? Mina, right?”

You shot a glance at his watch. In your head you calculated the time she disappeared until now.

“Guess she is fucking some guy in my room.”

Jungkook swallowed hard as he tried to repress a laugh. Never had he thought that you would let someone fuck in your bed unless it would be yourself.

“And here I am, thinking how nice and cute your friend was. But afterwards she is just some naughty girl”, he shook his head lightly giggling.

“You don’t have to speak, Jungkook. Rumours say you fucked nearly all girls on campus.”

At this remark the boy went silent. You had to check if he was okay so you turned your attention to the boy next to you. To your surprise he was looking you straight in the eyes.

“And what about you?”, interest sparkled in his dark eyes while he watched heat rushing into your face.

“I’m not the type to fuck someone and throw them out afterwards and neither the other way around, if this is what you want to know”, you drowned your drink after this confession. After your first boyfriend you only had a one-night-stand once and it was an awful memory. Sneaking out of someone’s house in the morning, walking the walk of shame and having worse sex was not what you wanted. And after that seeing this person was rather awkward so you kept your hands off of those things.

“Love making, how boring”, Jungkook’s voice brought back, “No wonder you’re always so tense. You need a good fuck.” A loud snort followed.

Your hand in your hair you rolled your eyes. Yes it was two years ago you last had someone but to hear it from Mr. 1 playboy did not help.

“Jungkook that was over the top, I’m going to find someone just as you suggested!”, voice trailed with annoyance you turned to go. As if you would just go and find someone but standing so close to Jungkook while talking about your sex life was too much.

“Y/n! This was not what I suggested!”, his loud voice shouted behind you. How was you so dense, he thought. A little joke and you exploded. And right that moment you found Jimin. He was making out with a thin blond with huge tits. But as you walked past him his eyes shot open and he freed himself out of the girls claws. You ignored it just wanting to get some fresh air while waiting for Mina to finish her business. Behind you you could hear soft voices that drowned the bass of the music. A final glance back you saw how Jimin stared wide eyed at Jungkook. They both discussed something before your stepbrother took steps in your direction.

“Y/n!”, Jungkook was right behind you, “Come on, don’t be pissed about what I said. It was a joke! Don’t be a party pooper.”

“I’m not pissed”, you exhaled loudly, “Maybe you were just right about getting a good fuck.”

Silence answered you. You shoved this out burst on the way the cool air clouded your judgement. The time was ticking and as you wanted to make sure that Jungkook was still there an arm shot forward to pull you against his body. Dizzy you looked in Jungkook’s angelic face to see that his bunny teeth were showing.

“Just say yes, y/n. I make sure it’s worth your time”, he whispered closing the remaining distance of your faces. His nose brushed against yours while his hands slipped to your waist.

Before you could even think you pressed your lips on his. Unnoticeable shock turned into arousal as the boy smiled victoriously into the kiss. Heat rushed down your own body and as your tipsy mind evaluated the rights and wrongs in your actions. Your mind came to no solution as the golden boy pressed his hips into yours. If he would not hold you by your waist you might have fallen at the pressure of his own hips. The kisses you exchanged were soft delicate ones. Just with time lust washed in waves through your body until you clung on your stepbrother.

“Let’s go upstairs”, Jungkook loosened his grip to grab your shaking hand. His lips looked swollen and quiet red from your lipstick. You said nothing but let him lead you the way through the partying people to the beginning of the white staircase.

“Wait. My room is occupied by Mina”, you told him as you dropped dead in your tracks.

Dark unfathomable eyes focused on you. “My room.”

His free hand rushed down his stomach to the bulge in his pants. You guessed it was not the time to discuss the place. Large steps pulled you behind Jungkook as he rushed up the stairs. Noises came out of your room as well as out of the bathroom but you did not care. Your focus lay on the wide back of the boy in front of you. His raven locks moved with every strong step he took,you noticed for the first time. At the end of the floor he stopped fishing for the key inside his pocket. With fast hands he opened the door and dragged you inside. Jungkook locked the door whereas you headed straight for the bed. The black high heels were kicked off your feet as you slid further on the king sized bed in the middle of the room. Your surroundings were just a blur as the tall guy turned around lust in his chocolate eyes.

“I don’t think you have the right to sit so comfortably on my bed, princess”, his voice got lower, darker and seductive, “My room, my rules.”

You did not mind the pet name rather his comanding tone. You did not move what made Jungkook storm in front of you.

“Come here, right now. I won’t repeat it”, his low voice warned. The softness that laced his melodious voice was completely gone. This was the reason you obeyed his demand. Slowly you stood up, looking him right in his darkening eyes. His hands found their way to their place on your hips while he pulled you in for a passionate long kiss. His swollen lips moving furiously on yours that made you weak on your knees. Now that you were bare feet he had to lean down to give you his delicious kisses. Your own hands wrapped around his neck playing with his raven hair that was slightly curled. His tongue brushed softly at your bottom lip waiting for entrance and just a moment later he sucked your own tongue. The golden boy knew his way around as he made you moan with just his heated kisses. This sound alone drove Jungkook insane and he moved his hips into your stomach quite violently. He was hard since he got hold of you in the kitchen. This fucking short dress revealed too much to stay sane, he thought. Right then he could not wait any longer but so did you.

“On your knees, princess”, he demanded heavily breathing from all the passionate kisses you gave him.

Your obedience followed and in no time you sat in front of Jungkook who looked at you his body looming before your own. Your hand slid slowly from his calves to his muscular clothed thighs. He was tense you could feel it as his muscles twitched. While you gazed his toned legs and his prominent bulge with your hands Jungkook opened his belt. In slow motion he continued his actions with the rest of his jeans and in one go pulled them down. The outline of his dick was so strong that you reached out to brush your fingers against it. A muffled sound escaped Jungkook as he watched you in awe. Here you were on your knees, smeared lipstick looking hungry at his own dick how long had he wanted to have you.

“How about you undress me, y/n”, his voice woke you from your starring. Your eyes flew to his face fluttering with your eyelashes whereas you stood up the hem of his black shirt in your hands. You slowly pulled it up tracing every inch of new revealed skin with your eyes. Once his shirt was torn off you gave Jungkook a long sluggish kiss before you kissed his perfect jaw. Your lips wandered further down until they hung on his hot neck. Your tongue worked as soothing material while your teeth marked his skin. You knew he liked it because the grip he developed over the minutes became more forceful. Quiet whimpers left his mouth as you worked your way on his chest to his abs. The smeared red lipstick left a few wet marks that showed your path of kisses down his half naked body. You stopped at the hem of his dark boxers. At this point you wanted to be the one in charge this is why you pulled his underwear down. Jungkook seemed not to care as his hard member sprung free. He was even bigger than what you had imagined a pulsating vein drawing its line from the base to the top.

One last glance at the boys face you began to pepper kisses at his swollen tip. How long was he hard? You did not care and teased as you licked your way from his base over and over again. Sweet relief not given for the golden boy.

“If you do it again I’m shoving my dick in that pretty mouth of yours. So do it properly, princess”, his voice showed signs frustration but a way too sweet tone was covering it nearly completely.

“Don’t be rude otherwise you will get nothing, Jungkook”, you tried to go against him but without success. Jungkook only smirked down at you not believing any word you just said.

Snorting you pierced his eyes before leaning down taking the red tip in your mouth. You hollowed your cheeks and peered to the boys face. He returned your gaze with hungry wild eyes. Your two hands were brought to the outside of his big thighs as you deepened your mouth onto his dick. A loud moan reached your ears while you started to suck at his dick that fit partly in your mouth. Slowly you leaned in even further until his member hit the back of your throat.

“Stay still, princess”, Jungkook motioned to caress your cheek before he grabbed your hair in his big hand. His fist enclosed around it why you could not move one bit. “Hit my thighs if you have enough. And you have to inhale deeply if I say ‘now’.”

Wide eyes looked at him. The only deep throating you tried out was disastrous for your ex-boyfriend as well as for you. This situation was quite scary to you why Jungkook loosened his grip shortly for you to say something. With a loud plop his dick was free and you started to speak: “Please be gentle.”

Your were not even sure if he knew what this word meant but his mouth formed a rather warm smile as he patted your head to take away your fear. A slight nod signalized him to continue his plans. The former solid grip of his hand was back at its place in your hair. Trembling hands gripped the boys thighs again while his focus laid on your mouth. Jungkook positioned his dick right before your open mouth and he could swear it was the most tempting moment he had experienced since he discovered the opposite gender.

After a last check on you Jungkook’s voice filled the room: “Now.”

With that word you inhaled deeply before he glided his dick as deep in your mouth as he was long. The back of your throat was reached too fast for his liking why he pushed all of his length even further than that. He could hear a few gags before his member blocked your windpipe. Just then a loud animalic groan left his chest. Your throat contracted so deliciously around him that he would have come if you had not hit his thighs lightly. Without a second thought he slipped out of your mouth. You coughed a little while inhaling as much oxygen as your lungs allowed.

“Not bad, princess”, Jungkook’s voice was gruff but you could hear his lust in it. He panted lightly as he smeared your last remaining bit of lipstick across your cheek. Then he positioned himself again to begin fucking your mouth. You felt tears dwelling up as he slowly moved his hips in and out of you. He sped up as he saw that your saliva flowed out of the edges across your lips to your delicate chin. Why were you so damn hot, he had to stop countless times as he was so near to his release without even tasting you.

A plopping sound echoed trough Jungkook’s room as he pulled himself reluctantly out of your wet mouth. By this time your lace panties were soaked. Droplets of your arousal ran down your legs why you pressed them together. You needed at least a little friction you noticed. While sucking him your own desires wandered to the back of your head but were even more prominent right as he stopped penetrating your throat.

Whimpers left your mouth. “Jungkook, I can’t wait any longer. I need you.”

The boys actions were faster than light. In no time he removed the dress off of your body. With one swift move he lifted you from your place at his feet and threw you onto his huge bed. Your body was covered by his as he kissed you, elbows beside your head.

“You look stunning”, he grinned into the kiss. Big hands wandering over your skin to the sealing of you black bra. Experienced fingers opened it in one go. Your bra flew to your dress as well as your panties that were removed by his strong fingers as well. His body hovered over you with sparkling dark brown eyes, hungry for what will happen next.

How long you wanted him. All the months you had repressed the feeling Jeon Jungkook set free inside your stomach. You might not like his actions in general but right now you did not care. The tension that always seemed touchable finally got released and your anxiety turned into excitement as you saw him above you. His raven locks were wet and hung upon his unfathomable eyes that loomed centimetres away. Strong hands holding him up as his toned torso was laced with light sweat. Ethereal, is what you thought. Handsomeness on another level. Never did you want anyone as much as you wanted Jeon Jungkook right now.

“Will you stare at me the whole night?”, your voice dragged the golden boy back as he was in trance at the sight before him. You got pretty impatient because of the missing friction your tingling heat needed.

What followed were sloppy heated kisses before Jungkook’s hands traced the curves of your body. He wanted to take his time but you urged him in finally sleeping with you. A wet trail was left on your pale skin as he kissed his way down to your breasts. He marked you with hickeys and bit down on your delicate skin. Jungkook’s actions were rather rough as he played with your breasts. You ran your own hands through the boys locks while he played with your sensitive spots on your mounds. One hand slid down across your stomach, the other stayed at your breast massaging it with his big hand. Finally he reached between your legs to stroke your bundle of nerves. His thumb circled around it numerous times, every once in a while pressing hard onto it. The more the boys stroked you the louder your voice got. As he hovered two fingers above your folds you held your breath. Jungkook coated his fingers with your juices to see how ready you were. Satified he slipped both his long fingers inside your warmth. Immediately you felt how you tightened around him. Loud moans slipped out your open mouth and you could not stop yourself as he pounded his fingers mercilessly inside you.

“So eager, princess?”, he joked while focusing on your face, “Just look at you. Heavy panting underneath her stepbrother while throwing a party. And I thought your friend was the naughty one.”

You let his remark slip as long as he will not stop his movements. But right as your release approached he pulled his fingers out. Glistering wetness moistened his digits.

“So wet for me”, he stated while bringing his fingers up to his red lips. His tongue sucked at his digits until they were clean. “You taste absolutely sweet, just as I imagined.”

“I don’t care, just fuck me already!”, your voice was louder than expected but you did not care as long as he would finally move his hips into yours.

Jungkook went to the drawer of his night stand to get a condom. To your relief he was quick to put it on.

“Come here”, he said while pulling you down to the edge of his bed.

You propped yourself up on your elbows to see the actions that happened while your stepbrother positioned his hard dick at your wet entrance. One swift movement of his hips and he was finally filling you up. You both remained still as he let you adjust to his prominent size. A short while later you began to squirm underneath him.

“You know you are so fucking tight. How long had you no sex?”, Jungkook said breath stuck in his throat. The smallest movement of your hips might bring his explosion.

“Just..a while”, you admitted. Your head shooting up to the sudden rotation of his hips. Both moaning at the friction caused by his actions.

“Fuck, y/n, I can barely move.”

Instead of responding you grabbed his face between your hands and kissed him again passionately. The clash of your teeth was heard as you pressed your lips on his over ans over again. Your breathing stopped while the clashing of lips and his fastening thrusts. By the time he was pounding as hard as he could to get you to your climax. Meanwhile your head dropped on the sheets and your free hands grabbed them as hard as they could because of his violently thrusts that caused you to jump up and down. Mercilessly he held your legs in position.

“I won’t last pretty much longer”, he pressed trough gritted teeth.

Golden Jungkook freed one of his hands for you to come. His thumb found its way down at you clit to rub you over the edge. It came suddenly but as he furiously stroked it you could feel how the coin inside your stomach began to turn. The fire in the pit of your stomach spread through your squirming body. Your nerves were drawn together before loosening and turning the coin around.

“Jungkook!”, you nearly screamed as your orgasm washed over you. Like a mantra you repeated his name louder every time another wave flooded you.

Your voice calling out for him at this rate was enough for Jungkook to go wild. It was just like the most beautiful melody he had ever heard as he pounded even harder than before brows furrowed of exhaustion. You could see how sweat pooled on his toned and tanned body. Heavy grunts escaped him while you tightened around him. With the next moan of yours he himself felt his release shooting into the condom. Several sounds slipped out his mouth and with a last sloppy thrust of his hips he pulled out of you. The condom landed in the bin next to his bed.

You watched as his furrowed brows slowly began to relax.

“Wait here”, he demanded out of breath. With these words he slipped his jeans back on and made his way to the door. The quiet ‘click’ of the door was heard. Another moment later he got back a wet cloth in his hand.

“Wash up before you ruin my sheets”, was the only thing he said before giving you the warm cloth.

“Thanks though”, you responded slightly flushed.

While you began to clean yourself Jungkook threw himself onto the bed again. Arms crossed behind his head. He watched you out of his eyes with fascination. You felt his stare but continued your cleaning before you stood up and grabbed your underwear before changing into your dress. For you the atmosphere felt heavy and embarrassing but the boy did not seem to mind.

You turned around to go back to were all the other guests were but stopped dead in your tracks.

“Y/n”, Jungkook’s voice was pure amusement.

Confused you pulled your eyebrows up but looked at him.

“Look in the mirror before going back downstairs. You look a little..”, he searched for the right word but went with his first choice, “fucked out.”

Heat rushed into your cheeks again. You just hoped it was easy to fix but as you went straight to the mirror of his wardrobe you was shattered. It was the opposite of ‘easy to fix’. Not only your lipstick was smeared across your cheek but the mascara smudged around your eyes because of the sweat and tears from before. Not to mention your messy hair.

“Fuck”, you stuttered as your view flew to Jungkook again. By the time he was fully clothed and ready to leave his room.

“Y/n, I have to go downstairs, so would you mind going in your own room to fix that mess of yours?”, he stated with one gesture of his hand towards the door, “By the way, I guess this is my favourite state of yours.”

“Fuck you”, you spit and stormed out of his room leaving the chuckling boy behind.

“Let’s repeat it some time, princess”, he shouted while you made your way to your own room fuming.

Luckily nobody was inside any more, your sheets thrown off your bed. As you tried to fix your look to something decently you balanced the rights and wrongs in your head again. This time your head told you that, beside having some dick after a phase of dryness and late night sessions by yourself, it should stay by this one time. Maybe it was a mistake but you would only know when some time passed.  

The only thing you were very sure of was that this was the first as well as the last time that you followed your human desires.

But the near future had other plans with you. Your patience was put to test by nobody else but Jeon Jungkook.

One night // SHAWN MENDES

Overview: you’re in a relationship but you’re in love with Shawn- the only reason you’re not with him is because you’re scared of being hurt. One night things get heated between you and Shawn and feelings are confessed.

Requested: YASSS

Authors note: sooooo this is new


“So how’s Jeff?” his eyes glint mischievously as he turns to look at me, our attention quickly focusing on the other rather then the movie.

“Jeff?” I hum, raising an eyebrow at him.

“You know, your boyfriend?” the way he says it makes shivers crawl up my spine.

“He’s good,” I murmur, turning away from him.

“Just good?” he prods, nudging my side with his elbow making me squirm.

“He’s amazing,” I sigh, looking back a him. “He’s so kind and patient, never rushes me into anything I don’t want to do.” I pause, my eyes locked onto Shawn’s, his face blank of emotions.

“He listens to me, I listen to him. We work well together,” 

“Do you think he might be the one?” Shawn questions just above a whisper.

No words come out my mouth as I stare at him. Was my relationship with Jeff endgame? I had no clue.

“Why would you ask me that?” Instead comes out my mouth.

“Curious,” he whispers and in that moment it felt like the room heated up. It felt like the skin of my thigh that was resting against Shawn’s was on fire.

“I don’t know, its too soon,” I whisper back, unaware that I was moving closer to him.

“You’ve been dating for 7 months,” Shawn states, reciprocating my movement.

“Does that mean I have to know now?” I asks sarcastically and Shawn smirks.

“Its usually a good clue for a relationship,” Shawn looks like he wants to say something else.

“Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t,” I shrug. There was tension in the room, something that was unsaid between our friendship that was bound to come out soon. That time seemed to be now.

“Do you love him?” Shawn’s eyes blaze at the question, passion glowing in them.

“I don’t know,” I breathe the words, my face inches from his. I hadn’t even realize we’d gotten this close. The last time I’d been in a position like this with him was 9 months ago- before Jeff- where Shawn and I had kissed.

Deep in my soul, I knew I wanted to kiss him again. I wanted to feel his heated lips pressed against my own as my hands trailed up his back to tangle in his hair. I shouldn’t want this- crave this, especially when I had Jeff.

“Why did you run away from me last time?” Shawn asks me quietly, immediately I know he’s thinking about the same thing I am.

“I..” I can’t find the words again. “I was scared,” 

He freezes, his nose brushing the tip of mine and my cheeks burn at the contact, his presence did things to my body that never occurred when I was with Jeff. 

“Of me?” his eyes drop to my lips before flicking back up.

“I don’t think I could ever be scared of you Shawn,” the thought making a smile appear on my face at the absurd question.

“Then what?” His tone is soft, weary. This is the most we’ve ever talked about it. After our moment of passion I had fled- not wanting to see Shawn. After that searing kiss I had buried my emotions in fear of being hurt by him. 

“I didn’t want you to break my heart,” I gulp, the truth finally out in the open.

“Y/n, I would never dream of breaking your heart,” Shawn whispers, his hands reaching up to cup my face.

“I know,” For some weird reason I’m crying. Shawn however, simply wipes away the fallen tears.

“The last thing I want is to see you hurt because of me,” he whispers. Jeff doesn’t even cross my mind as my best friend inches closer to me until his lips are about to brush mine.

“I wish that what I knew now, I knew ages ago,” he says and its like time has frozen, its just me and him.

“I’m sorry,” I mumble and he smiles but it looks fake.

“I wish you were mine, I know I’m selfish to want this when you have a boyfriend but you do crazy things to me,” His words pull me in until its like I’m drowning in them.

“There’s nothing wrong-” I don’t even bother finishing my sentence, my breathing rugged as his hands crawl to hold my waist, my skin feeling hot where his thumb lazily rubs the exposed area.

“One night,” he mutters, to himself or me I’m unsure. “I want you for one night, all mine,” 

Then his lips are upon mine and its everything I’ve imagined from last time. He tastes the same, minty with a slight hint of the tea he always seems to be drinking.

My hands are in his hair as he’s pulling me closer, his lips feverishly pressing into mine and I’m shaking from the feeling of his body against mine. 

Not once do I think of my boyfriend as Shawn picks me up, carrying me to his bedroom to place me on the bed. 

I don’t think about how he’s at home right now, trusting me, as my shirt is being discarded on the floor. 

I don’t think about how he’s been perfect in every aspect that a boyfriend could be as my jeans are peeled off my legs and Shawn crawls between them, his skin flush against mine.

All that crosses my mind is how Shawn is here, right now, kissing me, holding me, touching me. Friends don’t do this. Friends don’t feel this way about each other. A girlfriend doesn’t feel this way when she’s in a relationship with someone else.

Shawn’s damp forehead presses against mine as he raises his arms to press my hands against the mattress, entwining our fingers together as I cry out softly at the feeling of Shawn.

“I’m in love with you,” My eyes snap to meet his in the dimly lit room, his eyes filled with adoration and love. Just like Jeff’s.

“I love you,” I can’t help but whimper back at him. He murmurs it again, repeating it over and over as the night slowly fades away and the morning approaches.

When I wake up, he’s not next to me. I sit up, my stomach a mess of emotions. I slept with Shawn. That same sentence on loop inside my head.

Chucking a shirt over my head I make my way to the kitchen where I hear Shawn’s voice.

“Yeah no sorry she’s still here, she fell asleep and it was late,” his tone is impassive and I feel my stomach drop to the floor.

“Yeah I’ll tell her you called, bye,” He puts his phone on the bench, running his hands through his hair and tugging on the ends in a stressful manor.

“Shawn?” I ask softly. He turns around at my voice.

“Hey,” He smiles at me.

“Who was that?” My voice tremors, both of us knowing that I already knew the answer.

“Jeff,” I still take a sharp intake of breath at the name.

“Y/n,” Shawn breaks the silence. “I want you to know that not for one second last night that anything I said was a lie, I meant every word,” he’s searching my face, looking for a sign that I feel the same.

“Shawn,” I whisper, I’m scared I’ve stuffed everything up.

“Y/n please, no, don’t tell me last night was a mistake,” He’s tearing up quickly and it makes my heart clench. “You told me you loved me,” His voice wobbles and it tips me over the edge.

“I’m sorry,” I sob, my hand wiping my watery eyes. “I’m so sorry,”

“No, no,” I’ve never seen Shawn cry until now. “Please don’t tell me you’re going back to him,”

“I never lied last night Shawn,” He tries to smile but fails miserably. “But I cheated Shawn, Jeff never deserved that.”

“I should have stopped it when I could have,” He turns away from me, his shoulders shaking slightly.

“Hey,” I walk over to him, placing a hand on his bare shoulder.

He turns slightly to me and I wipe away one of his tears and he sniffles, smiling, doing the same to me.

“Last night wasn’t a mistake for me, it was a mistake in a sense that we shouldn’t have done that when I was in a relationship but our feelings couldn’t stay hidden forever,” he pulls me into his chest as I comfort him with my words.

“I’m sorry about how it happened,” He mutters into my hair.

“I’m going to go home and talk to Jeff about everything, I just hope I haven’t ruined his trust in relationships,” I trail off, the guilt simmering in my stomach.

“We all make mistakes,” Shawn leans back to look at me, holding my face in hands. “You’re human and it happens, we can’t take it back,” A silence fills the room.

“I’m going to come back here tomorrow, we’re going to talk about us,” I tell him softly.

“There’s an us?” Shawn asks, shock written across his features.

“I love you, remember?”