it makes me cry every time i read it

My All-Time Top Ten Favourite Fanfics

I’ve thought about doing this list for quite a while now. Let me tell you why. 

Being part of a fandom is, for the most part, quite awesome. However, being a fanfic writer can be quite daunting and discouraging, especially if you don’t get the feedback you’re looking for. As a writer myself, I just want to spread the love and point people towards some amazing, amazing works I’ve loved and have been inspired by since I was a mere thirteen year-old discovering ff.net for the first time. I really, really hope you guys check these stories out. In my humble opinion, they are even better than some original novels that have been published over the years. (*cough* Twilight *cough*) 

At the end of the post, I’ve tagged TEN people here on Tumblr. I hope these people who are tagged will share ten of their all-time favourite fics and tag ten more people, and hopefully, we can keep this whole ‘support for fanfic authors’ thing going for a while yet. Fingers crossed! :) 

Originally posted by applekisses

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1. The Life and Times (Harry Potter) by Jewels5 ( @itreallyatemyhand ) - The story of James and Lily’s sixth and seventh year at Hogwarts, and how they fall in love. This fic remains THE fic for me; it is practically canon in my mind.  If you’re a long-time Harry Potter fanfic reader, you’d probably have heard of TLAT. This fic has its own fandom, for God’s sake. (It’s even been mentioned in a Buzzfeed article? Whattt?) But if you haven’t heard of it, START READING IT NOW. I can’t gush enough about how well-plotted and well written this story is. It has inspired my own writing throughout the years and I’ve reread it more than five times. It physically pains me that it might never be finished, but don’t let this stop you from enjoying these 36 chapters. They will make you laugh, they will make you cry, they will make you fall in love, and trust me when I say - you won’t ever be disappointed. I still come back to this story every now and then, and every time, I fall in love with it a little bit more. - Multi-chapter on ff.net

2. The Queen Susan in Tashbaan, Part 2 of the Stone Gryphon (Narnia) by @rthstewart - The Pevensies aiding the British war effort in WWII. If you’re a history lover and a Narnia fan, you MUST read this story. The amount of history woven into this series is simply awe-inspiring. The plot still floors me, even after all these years. And the characters - both the canon ones and the original ones - are written and expanded so beautifully. Not only that, there is a lot of heart to this story and a very real, very palpable sense of bittersweetness to everything. - Multi-chapter on AO3

3. A Sea of Golden Sand (Narnia) by Andi Horton - The events of “The Horse and His Boy” through the perspectives of the Pevensies. This is everything - I repeat - EVERYTHING you’d want from a Golden-Age Narnia fic. This story chronicles the events leading up to the final battle at Anvard, from Rabadash’s visit to Narnia to Aravis and Shasta coming to Archenland. It is incredibly, incredibly well-written, filled with humour, heart, and amazing characters. And although it was published in 2007, most stories in the Narnia fandom don’t even come close to this level of badassery! Edmund, one of my favourite characters ever, is pretty much swoon-worthy in this. I’m legitimately in love with this version of Edmund. - Multi-chapter on ff.net

4. Troubles Melt Like Lemon Drops (Narnia) by Francienyc - The Pevensies navigating life in England after they’re not allowed to go back to Narnia. Lots of sibling bonding in this one, but by God, the simplicity and the subtleness of their pain! It has been years, but I still think of this fic every once in a while, and it still chokes me up a little. - One-shot on ff.net

5. Hung Out to Dry (Narnia) by @rthstewart - Jill/Eustace but with an angsty, heartbreaking twist. Despite how short it is, it is still one of my favourite things I’ve ever read. The aesthetics, the silences, the unrequited love - this story has it all. Every time I read it, I find myself still getting emotional by the simplest of sentences. In short, just exquisite. - One-shot on AO3

6. Fools (Harry Potter) by lyin’ ( @thegirlwholied ) - The First Order of the Phoenix, with the Marauders, the Prewett twins, and Marlene Mckinnon. I remember crying my eyes out the first time I read this story, years and years ago. Yes, there are a ton of First Order fics out there. But please trust me when I say - none of them is quite like this one. This story will undoubtedly shatter you, but in the best of ways. - Multi-chapter on AO3

7. In Their Autumn Beauty (Harry Potter) by lyin’ ( @thegirlwholied ) - The teenagers of the First Order of the Phoenix as seen through the eyes of the much older, much more jaded Dorcas Meadowes. This story is only 2,000 words long, but it has stayed with me for years and years. It is so, so beautiful. Please. Just read it. I beg you. It’ll take you only ten minutes, maybe. You won’t regret it. - One-shot on ff.net

8. Joy in the Mourning (Narnia) by Andi Horton - The Pevensies during the Blitz in London, after they’re not allowed to go back to Narnia. I also remember crying when I first read this. (Yes, there really is a pattern here; I do cry a lot.) This story really captures what the Narnia books are about: finding joy and hope amidst despair. - One-shot on ff.net

9. The Death of Kings (A Song of Ice and Fire) by La Reine Noire  ( @poorshadowspaintedqueens ) - The events leading up to and of Robert’s Rebellion through the perspectives of the Dead Ladies Club, primarily Lyanna Stark, Ashara Dayne, and Elia Martell. Usually, I’m not a fan of fics about Robert’s Rebellion; I find most authors’ take of the events hard to believe and the characters not well fleshed out. This story, however, is EPIC and SO well-written, you’d think it was canon while you’re reading it! I cried buckets at the end, of course. If you’re a fan of the ASOIAF books, definitely give this one a try. - Multi-chapter on AO3

10. Corellian Gin (Rogue One) by guineapiggie ( @ruby-red-inky-blue ) - Jyn/Cassian surviving Scariff, with bits told through the eyes of Bodhi. Of course, I had to squeeze in a Rogue One fic somehow, but I really had a hard time choosing ONE story from my old writing partner, guineapiggie. I nearly chose “The World Through A Scope”“Beinahe”, or something from the series that we wrote together (”Happy Endings”/ “Where’s My Love?”), but I settled on this one instead because it is one of the first Rogue One fics I read that made me tear up. I LOVE a bit of well-written romantic angst, and this story has it in spades. - One-shot on AO3

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HONOURABLE MENTIONS (because I can’t quite help myself):

Harry Potter - Anything by lyin’ ( @thegirlwholied ), especially Brackets (Sirius/Marlene), Stray Thought (Sirius/Marlene), and the No, Nay, Never series (the First Order of the Phoenix). 

Narnia - Firstly, anything by Andi Horton, especially King’s Champion (Edmund-centric) and The Better Part (Pevensies bonding). Secondly, The Delight of My Eyes (Aravis/Shasta) by Francienyc. And lastly, Rat and Sword Go To War (Pevensies in WWII) by @rthstewart , as well as the rest of her The Stone Gryphon series. 

Rogue One - Resistance is Built On Hope (WWII AU) by ChronicOlicity, Floating, Sinking (fix-it fic) by @shu-of-the-wind, the violet hour (Jyn/Cassian modern au) by caramelle or @mellamymake, the road that sets into the sun (a beautiful Jyn/Cassian in the SW Legends-verse) by lyin’ ( @thegirlwholied ), and all the angsty Jyn/Cassian stories by guineapiggie ( @ruby-red-inky-blue ). 

Originally posted by jpaddey

TAGS: Now, to join me in this venture of spreading fanfic love (yes, I’m perfectly aware of how weird that sounds), I’d like to invite these ten awesome individuals who I have interacted with here or on AO3: @ruby-red-inky-blue, @operaticspacetrash, @yavemiel, @rxbxlcaptain, @rapha-senna, @thenewleeland, @pingou7, @jeroncassianandor, @lclrgsl and @rebelcaptainfics. And don’t worry! You guys don’t have to write these long reviews for each of your recommendation like I did; I was simply bored and overzealous! :) 

If you’re not tagged, but have seen this on your dash and want to jump in on the action, please feel free to make your own list and tag ten more people. Let’s show appreciation for fanfic writers who put so much work and time into writing these stories we love so much! <3 

IN A SENTENCE: book recs and why you should read them

FANTASY

  • carry on by rainbow rowell: it’s harry potter but gay and with extra scones and dumbledore wears tights
  • the raven cycle series by maggie steifvater (everyone has heard of this already so): delightfully weird with the strongest set of characters in anything i’ve read and lots of cars and bees
  • shades of magic series by ve schwab: whimsical fantasy and cross-dressing pirates and again, brilliant characters and just excitingness
  • monsters of verity duology by ve schwab: so so dark with savagely beautiful imagery and creepy nursery rhymes and almost horror writing in book 2
  • villains duology by ve schwab: moral ambiguity!!! edginess!!! subversion of the superhero genre!!! characters you both like and hate!!! gritty urban settings!!!
  • six of crows duology by leigh bardugo: more moral ambiguity and an absolutely stellar cast of six with an insanely well-crafted heist
  • the great library series by rachel caine: a book about books do i need to say more also christopher wolfe is my dad, the worldbuilding is insane and this is SO underrated
  • the girl at midnight series by melissa grey: the poetic justice makes me cry every time i think about it and honestly it’s just worth reading to see the character development dorian goes through
  • magisterium series by cassandra clare and holly black: harry potter but so much darker even though it’s mg not ya, and it has already made me cry my entire soul out so considering it’s written by 2 of the most popular authors this is criminally underrated honestly
  • strange the dreamer by laini taylor: i’m only halfway through this but the worldbuilding is amazing and the writing is absolutely gorgeous and it actually has a plot unlike some books this reminds me of

CONTEMPORARY

  • all for the game series by nora sakavic: so dark and so quick-paced and exciting with more amazing characters and more jaw-dropping plot twists and a mc who likes to destroy people on live tv
  • one of us is lying by karen m. mcmanus: criminally good ending that might be a direct comparison to a certain other popular tv series around rn with also a good cast of characters
  • troublemakers by catherine barter: really poignant narrative on protesting and things and it really helped me come to terms with the attack on my city in may
  • release by patrick ness: ok this crosses over into fantasy but it’s like 80% contemporary and it’s just a really good story on coming out into a homophobic environment and coming to terms with being loved and stuff
  • a list of cages by robin roe: just straight-up made me cry until i couldnt breathe honestly it has lots of narrative abt child abuse but if that’s not bad for you it’s really really good

HISTORICAL

  • the song of achilles by madeline miller: again, i straight up cried by the end of this one. the dramatic irony (cough cough what has hector ever done) is honestly the best dramatic irony in any book ive ever read ever
  • the gentleman’s guide to vice and virtue by mackenzi lee: just a really fun whimsical book with pirates and a cute relationship and good side characters and things like that

PLEASE SEND ME MORE I’M RUNNING OUT OF BOOKS TO READ

To Maggie Stiefvater - thank you

Dear @maggie-stiefvater,

A year ago this month, you replied to my ask about how you deal with the fact that your OCD will never go away. I wanted to tell you how much that reply​ means to me, even a year after you wrote it.

I cried when I got that response, and then laughed and literally went for a run around my neighborhood because I was so excited. I had been struggling for so long, and hearing from someone who understood - and who was my favorite author - was more amazing than I can tell you. I printed that reply out and hung it up on my wall beside my bed so that I can read it whenever I’m struggling.

And I went though a lot of struggles in the past year since you wrote that reply. I started seeking help for my OCD, and that involved a lot of unhelpful and even rude therapists and medications that made me sick and even more anxious than I already was. I lost my best friend. The social anxiety that accompanies my OCD got so bad I couldn’t even talk in school without almost having a panic attack. I almost quit school. I stopped writing because I couldn’t do it without my OCD making me hate every word I wrote. Even reading became hard because my brain was too stuck in a loop of obsessions to focus on what I was reading. I started having awful suicidal thoughts and urges to self harm. Every day, I wondered how I would make it to the next. If I would.

Your words - whether they be in the response you wrote to me, in your books, or what you’ve posted on tumblr - helped to give me hope. There were times that I’d lie on my bed crying with my Raven Cycle books next to me because they reminded me I wasn’t alone. I read about Gansey and his anxiety in BLLB and felt like someone understood. I read about Ronan in TDT and found enough hope that I, too, would survive the suicidal thoughts. In the midst of being extremely lonely, I read about all love and friendship between the characters and felt like I had a friend in them, too. Sometimes at night, I would take the response you wrote to me on tumblr down from my wall and read it to remind myself that I’d be okay. Sometimes it didn’t feel true. You said my OCD could be a super power, but at that time it just felt like it was trying to kill me.

Even though it didn’t feel true then, it feels true now. I kept working to find the right medication and therapist, and it worked. The suicidal thoughts began to fade. They only really come back when I’m having a bad day, and they’re much easier to control. I can sit at my computer and actually write. It’s still hard sometimes, but I’m finally finding joy in it - and the rest of life - again. Also, I’ve realized that when I’m not in the midst of being controlled by my OCD, I’m driven and can get a lot of work done quickly. I don’t think I would be this way if I didn’t have this disorder. That doesn’t mean I love having it - there are still times that it feels like torture - but it is slowly becoming something I can control and use instead of something that controls me. Sometimes it still feels like a curse, but now I’m starting to see that yes, sometimes it’s also a super power​.

So thank you. Thank you for that response and your books and your honesty. Thank you for giving me hope. Thank you for helping me choose to stay. - theletterem

PREFACE: I wrote this back in January of 2015. Up until this point I had dealt with stalkers to a varying degree- but this was the first time one had found my apartment and sent packages to me at work in the same amount of time. It was my first attempt at achieving a restraining order. I couldn’t finish the post, so it ends abruptly, but I think it’s important to share in this climate of #MeToo. 


Courthouses: the great equalizer. Every person shuttled through security is subjected to the great rule of the admitting guard; we’re all criminals in her mind. My to-go mug of coffee is a complete abomination, my clear ignorance to these rules indicative of my moronic nature. I ask a few times if I can leave my multitool with security and pick it up on the way out - she barks, repeatedly, I have to throw it away. When I start again, saying “please-” she cuts me off and tells me to toss it in the bushes outside, get it when I leave. I walk out, dump my coffee in the nearest snow-covered potted plant and bury the tool next to it. I’m positive someone picks it up before I’ve reentered the building. 


I’ve managed to keep my cool the last two weeks, only bothered by the typical late-night nagging of my usual anxieties. Maybe I just didn’t dwell on the realities of this situation long enough for them to set up camp and create a full-blown breakdown. It was on the cab ride to the courthouse that my resolve started to thin, as I was reading through his nonsensical Facebook rants and I saw he made mention of the night he came to my apartment. He was referring to my tone of voice as “bitchy” when I had finally answered on the third call from his unlisted number. Sitting at the dinner table with my family, the day after Christmas, I could feel my face paling as I tried to comprehend his words. He gave an alias - said he had a package for me. I asked how he got my number and he said it was in the building directory, as if he was entirely entitled to this grotesque breach of my privacy. I checked the time: it was 9:27 in Chicago, definitely not an hour for innocent deliveries. I told him never to call me again, and hung up. He called back a few more times and when I had a chance to perform a reverse look-up on the number, I realized he was calling from the directory outside of my building. 


When I got back to work after the holiday break there was an envelope waiting on my office chair, listing a P.O. box on the return address. It was from him, saying we should get together, play some music. He wanted to meet that week, so I should let him know when I’m free. He’d like to come see me. He listed his full name, phone number. It wasn’t difficult to pin down his identity on Facebook; he’s wearing a shirt reading FUCK YOUR OPINIONS, holding a sort of wimpy looking knife, posing aggressively, pale arms flexed, large stance. One of his ‘liked’ groups was something like “I Hate Whores!!!,” and occasionally he’d post a video of some woman being beaten, commenting how he longed to do the same to ‘that dumb bitch.’ He’s got ESP; he’s controlling the country with his mind. Jack White stole all of his musical ideas, cashed in, got famous. Same with Die Antwort, same with pretty much every successful musical genius, it seems. For a reason that perplexes me, he’s got more than a hundred Facebook friends and every one of them is a gorgeous young woman, posing for selfies half-naked in front of their bathroom mirrors. I want to message them all, alert the masses, fire a warning shot. Maybe it’s none of my business.


By the time I get in the courthouse security line a second time I’ve suddenly and inexplicably started crying, much to the chagrin of the admitting guard. She pulls me aside and instructs me to spread my arms and legs, wanding me over, probably checking to see if I stashed that multitool in my bra after all. Once I get through the queue I realize I have no idea what I’m actually supposed to do, and scanning the building directory reveals no secrets to the inner workings of the domestic dispute county court system. I’m close to hyperventilating and having a difficult time discerning why. The woman at the lobby counter, annoyed, points me to the double glass doors across the hall when I blubber out that I’m there to file a no contact order against a stalker. I can hardly spit the words out - even admitting I need to take protective action against someone feels like giving credence to their intent, validating the fear instilled in me. Letting them win. When I push through the doors the concerned court clerks purse their lips and three of them simultaneously pass me tissues across the desk, wordless.


For some reason I was anticipating the filing to be a more private affair but instead the room is filled with people - individuals, a father with his teenage daughter, three girls all sitting in a circle with their knees touching, heads hanging, holding hands.The clerks are busy, annoyed - one man is arguing with one of them about how long he’s had to wait, how he doesn’t have time for this, he needs to get back to work. She snaps at him, 
“Then go back to work - there are people in here fearing for their lives, they don’t give a shit about work right now,” and for a moment I’m filled with pride for her. He sits back down. 


I fill out paperwork, penning in details pulled from the detective’s background search. Eye color, height, weight? I don’t know. They ask, do you know this person? No, aside from their tyrannical rants on Facebook and a nagging feeling of dread in my gut. Every time I’m questioned in that lobby I start crying again, hanging my head, embarrassed to not have filled out a basic form correctly. 


Hours pass. I spend the time staring at a cardboard recycling bin that reads “Together, we can make a difference!,” ignoring the ambient bickering around me. Eventually my name is called; I’m given a court room number and told to go there immediately, which I was more than happy to do - if ever I had been ready to leave a place, it was the county courthouse that morning. Upstairs, the courtroom was drab - “In God We Trust” in silver letters on the wall. Again, we wait while four more groups of people file in, all ready to give their own statements for whatever unfortunate situation has called them there. I’m sworn in first and the presiding judge briefly looks over my paperwork - I ask the court clerk for a tissue 

lovemarvey ficrecs

Here are some of the marvey fics that I love a lot. I tried my very best to remember all the fics that I like and their storyline but I’m not really sure if I properly sorted the fics using the primary tags that I picked/used. 

List sorted beginning from GA, Teen and Up, M then E. Includes word count. Sometimes followed by a note.

5+1 Things (All One-Shot)

A/B/O Dynamics (All are Chaptered Fics)

D/s Dynamics (All Explicit)

Different Job AU – Fics where Mike and/or Harvey is/are not lawyer(s)

Fics Where the Boys are being Cute Dorks/Nerds (Both Explicit, One-shot)

  • Pwned by orphan_account (7,085) – Harvey is a secret gamer.
  • 5U175 by Closer (26,409) - Harvey and Mike have internet alter-egos. Have a bonus 5 Things chapter after the main fic. NOTE: This is my favourite Marvey fic. :)

Fake/Pretend Relationship (All One-shot)

FLUFF! FLUFF! FLUFF! (Most are One-shots)

Jealous!Harvey

Kid!Fic

Kitten!Fic (All One-Shot)

Marriage!Fic

Angels and Demons verse

Clumsy!Mike

Historical/Fantasy AU

Humour (I’m not really sure if this is the correct primary tag for these fics. All One-shot)

Hurt/Comfort

Fics Where the Boys go to an Official Work-Related Trip (Both Explicit, One-shot)

Porn with Plot (All Explicit, One-shot)

Romance

Soulmates AU

Sentinel/Guide AU

Serial Killer (Both One-shot; Explicit)

My favorite parts of the movie, Call Me by Your Name

This is INSANELY long (so obviously an insane amount of spoilers), jumbled, and in order of when I thought of each item (except for the Montaigne stuff) As long as this post is, there are tons of other moments that stick out, but one has to make choices! I tried to keep comparison to the book at a minimum as one can judge adaptations on their adherence/truthfulness to the source material or completely as its own thing (both are valid), and it’s easier to do the latter in this case. I’ve also kept it mostly positive, though as I’ve mentioned previously, I did have a few issues with the film (feel free to ask any questions you might have about that or anything else CMBYN related). Also, I need to see it again. As soon as possible.

*When Elio has the nosebleed (no footsie though ugh), he goes inside and sits on the floor and Oliver comes looking for him. The way Elio asks Oliver to sit with him breaks my heart. Just a subtle hint of plea. Everything that happens during that sit-down also fucked my life. It’s burned into my very being. Every look, kiss, touch, word.

* There’s this wonderful housefly that, throughout the movie, shows up occasionally to hang out with Elio when he’s thinking about Oliver. I could probably write a paper on what I think the significance of the fly is, and my feelings about the fly, but really, it was just a fly- a nice touch by either Luca or Ivory.

* The desperation in Elio’s kiss after he breaks down crying during the peach scene. How is Timothée not actually feeling that at that moment? Talk about acting. It was spectacular. Everything about his reaction was spectacular. The crying, the sad embarrassment for crying, the clutching at Oliver. (Aside:Oliver not eating the peach was unacceptable and Elio’s reaction being switched from being overwhelmed that someone felt something for him so strongly that they would do such a thing to being upset that Oliver is leaving soon was annoying.)

* The hilarious lunch conversation with the extremely talkative, not very polite, guests. This conversation needs to be witnessed and experienced, because it’s so funny. At some point they start insulting each other- someone gets called an “asshole” I think, but the expressions and tones of voice of everyone involved stay exactly the same, so it’s hard to even tell who’s being called an asshole, etc. Like this is just everyday conversation.

* After Elio says goodbye to Oliver at the train station, he sits around for a bit trying to process and calm down and then, because what else to do in this lovely family?, he calls his mom. As he asks her to come pick him up, he breaks down (I did, too). The shot is perfect. He’s in the phone booth and we’re outside and a bit away. He starts off the call facing us, but during the emotional bits, he turns his back. He’s hiding his crying from the world (including the viewer), but not from his mother, who can hear him losing it. This is a lovely private family moment, one of many that we’re privy to throughout the film.

* On Elio and Oliver’s trip, there’s a shot of Oliver’s face as Elio sleeps, looking completely at peace. Oliver is sitting on the bed, looking wrecked, and remorseful, and like he wants to stop what’s about to happen. The next scene is their goodbye hug at the train station. I wonder if Oliver sitting there that night knows that very soon he’s going to break Elio’s heart. Not just by leaving, but in telling him that he’s getting married (Over the phone? Really Oliver?) I’ve never been totally sure just how “on and off” Oliver and his future wife actually were. We never really get to know much about Oliver. In both the book and the movie, he’s more a mirror of Elio than a separate character. We only know him through and via Elio. So, in that way, is Oliver’s “on and off” relationship the same as Elio’s “on and off” relationship with Marzia? Where they hang out and fuck, but Elio holds back everything important? I don’t know.

* On the phone call when Oliver tells Elio he’s getting married, Oliver asks, “Do you mind?” A perfect, though strange, bit from the book to carry over- those are the words someone uses when asking permission to do something. What if Elio had said yes? Was Oliver seeking an admission that Elio loved him and wanted to be with him? Was he looking for an ego boost? Was he just asking an awkward question? Oliver is such a mystery to me.

*Anytime Armie/Oliver danced, I laughed. Man, that was some awful, but adorable dancing. The only time I didn’t laugh was when Elio got up on the dance floor and danced with Marzia right next to where Oliver was dancing. That time, I held my breath.

*The morning after they have sex (make love?) for the first time and Elio goes after Oliver into town. They walk a bit to have some privacy and while walking, for a few seconds they “hold hands” with just a finger or two tangled. So insanely lovely.

*After Oliver and Elio talk about how open Oliver is about showing his Judaism by wearing his Star of David, the next image is of Elio coming up for air while swimming in the lake, his Star of David around his neck. It’s a rebirth via water being symbolized, so a baptism of sorts. Oliver, simply by being Oliver, allowed so many hidden parts of Elio, parts Elio felt ashamed of, to be reborn into things that were not shameful, that were beautiful, things to be celebrated and nurtured.

*After Elio receives the note that they’ll meet at midnight and subsequently becomes seriously obsessed with his watch, they’re sitting outside, Oliver, Elio, and Elio’s mother. Elio gets up to leave the table and Oliver, so nonchalantly, asks Elio for the time. It’s such a sexy and funny way of Oliver reminding Elio what’s going to happen that night. And ratcheting up their respective anticipation.

*Sufjan. Sufjan. Sufjan. I can’t even.

*The way Elio says Oliver’s name. So often he says it as if he’s asking for everything he’s ever desired. There’s so much longing and affection.

*The sight and the sound of Oliver eagerly removing his belt the first night that he and Elio sleep together is super sexy. He’s kneeling over Elio, who’s lying between Oliver’s legs and they both look desperate. The sound and look of the leather as it’s being pulled quickly through Oliver’s belt loops is the perfect symbol for that desperation.

*It was completely genius, whoever’s decision it was, to have Elio constantly pressing himself against Oliver, whether it’s Elio’s head against Oliver’s chest or Elio’s whole body as he’s, literally, climbing Oliver, jumping into his arms, pulling Oliver against him as Elio leans back against a wall, etc. It’s like Elio is trying to absorb Oliver into himself. Like he can’t possibly ever get close enough. Like he wants to crawl inside Oliver and make himself a little home in his tummy or in his chest, by his heart- maybe take a nap surrounded by Oliver. Like he simply cannot get enough of this man.

*Elio’s hairstyle at the end of the movie & every single time Elio did his slide dance move. What glory was that?

*That one lovely shot of snow before the last scene. Foreshadowing the cooling off of Elio and Oliver’s relationship, and letting the viewer know that their summer, which was, vicariously, ours, is officially over. Also, snow is just beautiful.

*The night that Elio confesses his feelings to Oliver, Oliver comes back late. Elio, thinking that Oliver has been out with someone else, is restless in bed, and mutters, “Traitor,” as Oliver uses their adjoining bathroom. Then when Oliver closes the bathroom door without acknowledging Elio, Elio rolls over again says, sadly, “Traitor.” The word enlarges Elio’s desire- makes it so much more than just lust. He’s saying that they have something important together, something that can be betrayed. The fact that he doesn’t consider his actions with Marzia to be traitorous makes perfect sense to me. He knows his own feelings, that Oliver is, for whatever reason, infinitely more important to him than Marzia. But what Oliver feels is, at that time a mystery.

*Elio tells Oliver that they have to sit in the backseat of the car because Anchise usually drives as Elio’s father navigates. Then Elio’s father comes along and tells Anchise that he doesn’t need to drive and then invites Oliver into the front seat to be navigator. Elio is adorably upset that he doesn’t get to ride shotgun (understandably!). But also probably a bit unpleased that he doesn’t get to share that small backseat with Oliver. Ha.

*This part right here, when Elio asks for a truce and Oliver offers the hand of the statue. It should have been funny, but it was actually just very sweet and hurt my heart a bit.

*As Oliver and Elio leave on their trip, Chiara rides up on her bicycle. She’s late, though, and they’re already on the bus which is pulling away. The borderline sarcastic wave that Oliver gives her is pretty funny and Elio’s mother inviting Chiara to dinner with a thrown in, “Bring Marzia with you” is just ouch. But the look on Elio’s face as Oliver sits beside him, like this is everything. He’s sitting here with Oliver, going away with Oliver (!!!) and he seems so joyful, but also overwhelmed by that joy, and like he’s seconds away from crying. Lovely lovely acting by Tim.

* Elio’s father is pretty much perfect at fathering fatherly. And Michael Stuhlbarg is magnificent in this film. His final speech to Elio about Oliver, and love, and life is spectacular, both in the book and the film. The line that always makes me cry, whether reading, listening, or watching is:

We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new.

I’ve had one of those lives where this would have really been nice to hear when I was younger. But since I kind of want to rip out every memory I have of this book/movie, to cure myself of too many feelings, it might not have mattered.

* Also in Elio’s father speech is my favorite quote about love. I was ecstatic that it was in the book so having it in the movie made me doubly ecstatic. The quote, by Montaigne about his platonic male friend, is untranslated in the book (& I don’t know if anyone bothers to look that stuff up), while in the movie, there are subtitles (the translation in the movie is different than my preferred which is below, but whatevs). Below is a larger portion of the quote, the part in bold is the bit in the book/movie:

Si on me presse, continue-t-il, de dire pourquoi je l'aimais, je sens que cela ne se peut exprimer qu'en répondant: parce que c'était lui; parce que c'était moi.


If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than it was because he was he, and because I was I.

From the book:

“You’re too smart not to know how rare, how special, what you two had was.”

“Oliver was Oliver,” I said, as if that summed things up.

“Parce que c’était lui, parce que c’était moi,” my father added, quoting Montaigne’s all-encompassing explanation for his friendship with Etienne de la Boétie.”

I can’t explain why I’ve loved particular people most in my life- we were just the kind of people who would love each other. We spoke to something in the other. I’ve always appreciated the joyful, but also, almost resigned (potentially tragic) quality of such an acknowledgement. “We were meant to love each other” alongside “I couldn’t have stopped it even if I’d tried.” It’s perfect for Elio and Oliver.

anonymous asked:

I went through some of your communism tag, and it is extremely relatable. It is a subject that makes me emotional almost every time that i read about it or think about it for a while and seeing ppl think it's cute or a funny meme or smth makes me wanna vomit and cry. I'm Latvian, so I take these kinds of things almost personally and I can't help it. Thank you for spreading awerness and spilling truth about this, I really appreciate it.

Given the fact that tumblr is extremely communist-friendly site, I sometimes feel like I’m talking to a wall.

But other times, when non-Baltics on tumblr say “You’re making us uncomfortable.” or “You should keep quiet about it.”  when I post about communist crimes committed against citizens of Baltic States, I feel like I’m doing the right thing.

They have no right to say so - this is our history, our countries’ past and no one can erase the truth.

The people who tell us such things have never been in our shoes - the kids in Baltic States learn about genocide of their ethnicity when they are barely in double digits at latest, often earlier.

People who tell us “It wasn’t that bad!” have never looked into eyes of a person who went to hell (Siberian labour camp) and back.

People who tell us “It wasn’t real communism!!” have never heard the fear in their parents voice as they tell about the suitcase under the bed, just in case, should they be deported to Siberia.

You have every right to take this personally - this is your country’s history, your legacy. 

As far as I see it - we the younger generation have to uphold the truth, demand justice for our ancestors, because if we won’t, who will?

Hello Tumblr. My name is Alex. I identify as FTM Transgender and I survived EX gay conversion therapy. I’m here to tell my story- A while back in 2011 for my 11th grade year of high school, my mother sent me to a Christian private school called Calvary Chapel. That was bad enough on its own with the constant states and remarks, being accused and disciplined for acts I didn’t do, and rebelling against the uniform code to wear pants instead of a skirt. Calvary Chapel was a bad enough place on its own but I also soon came to find out they held ex gay conversion therapy there courtesy of Exodus International, a cult which luckily closed its doors a couple years back because the main man admitted he still likes dudes. Let me put it out there that I like women and was out as lesbian at the time, but secretly I identified as Trans because If I had come out as Trans to my family I would probably be DEAD. So my mother literally tricks me, tells me we’re going out to eat and then instead takes me to my school. I knew what was up so I started to run. She chased after me grabbed me, held me down and dragged me into the conference room, and said “you better change your disgusting sinner ways” and left me there with this older blonde woman staring at me. I had no idea what the hell was happening so I said “where am I!?” The women said “you’re going to be converted to being straight by me, your mentor. Your mother thought it would be best to put you in gay conversion therapy” immediately I rose up and screamed “I was FORCED to go here you can’t make me!” The women said “your parents have every right to bring you here and there is no law stating they can’t they’re doing what’s best for you and your soul.” By that time I was about freaked out and ready to go, but instead I broke down crying my eyes out for the rest of the session basically staying silent otherwise. Future appointments consisted of me going straight to therapy after Christian school. Hiding my face incase anyone knew where I was going. Therapy was starting to shame me. Normal every day therapy would be starting out reading a verse from the bible, reciting it three times and asking God for my forgiveness. Then we would go over my conversion homework (which I will get into later), then she would make me lay down on a table while she prayed over me. She would ask me things like “have you had any lesbian urges?” “What do you think God thinks of those?” “What will happen if you act on those urges?” Afterwards she would sit me down in front of a computer and make me watch some type of hypnotism therapy. Daily, it was over and over “you will go to hell if you are gay” “why would you want to live the gay lifestyle” it also literally looked like hypnotism on the screen, not only that but the women would hypnotize me herself, which is partially why I’m having trouble recollecting my memories of this. A lot of it I blacked out during. Onto the homework. The homework consisted of huge pamphlets that I would have to read every day. All of stories of gay people who fell to their sin, or people who successfully “became straight”. After every story I would have to answer a page of questions such as, “what should John have done to control his homosexual urges” and “what would you have done in his situation” “WHY is homosexuality a sin and what will happen if you act on it” being as scared as I was at the time it actually started getting to me. For a while I rebelled and wrote “nothing nothing nothing” or “homosexuality isn’t a sin” but eventually I became afraid, the “therapy” started “working” and I wrote things like “I will go hell” “that character died and became a drug addict because they were gay” “that character went to college and got married because they were straight” and so on. One time I asked the woman who was counseling me, “have you ever been gay?” She gave me a long look and said, “never tell anyone.” “I used to be a lesbian but now I’m married.” I said, “have you ever even kissed a girl?” She said “no”. Right then she lost credibility to me that and it was sad. After every session she would make me read from the bible the verse where it says something like “nor the murderers, adulterers, or homosexuals, ect will enter the kingdom of heaven.” Don’t you like my word for word quote? Lol But seriously halfway through the year I hauled my ass out of there and stopped going because it started to have effects on me negatively. I became more suicidal, and the effects still last on me to this day. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night crying to my girlfriend asking her if I’m going to go to hell. I’m tied down by religion because I’m afraid of going to hell. This stuff did some serious damage to me, and although it might not be as bad as some of the stories out there I wanted to give people a look into what leelah alcorns life may have been like. When I heard of her passing I thought “that was me”. That’s why I want to put an end to conversion therapy! I need leelahs law to be passed! Please share my story. I want as many people to know the horrors and dangers of conversion therapy as possible.

PLEASE GO SPREAD MY RECENT SUICIDE POST!

Hey just fyi, I’ve received so many incredibly thoughtful, profoundly beautiful messages from you guys, and you’re so kind and encouraging that it makes me cry like a dumb baby sometimes. I wish so badly that I could respond to everybody, but I often don’t even have the words, let alone the time to give you the thanks you deserve. So even if you don’t hear from me right away, I want you to know that I read every message you send me and it means the world to me and I think about you all the time. ♥ ok thank you for listening

3

Eddie as Marius in  Les Misérables. On this date (30 June) in 1862, Victor Hugo completed the novel. I’m proud to say that I’ve actually read the novel - when I was about 16. It was good, but the movie is amazing! Eddie’s moving performance of “Empty Chairs At Empty Tables” makes me want to cry every time. 

Catarinalosss’ Book!Malec Fic Recs

Anonymous said: 
Hey! I love your blog, and I was wondering if you could recommend some malec fics to me? I can’t seem to find book malec fic anywhere. Thank you!



Ohohoh, you’re going to be sorry you asked, anon.

I have the same problem with finding good Book!Malec fics, since they’re all buried under the gargantuan pile of Show!Malec fics. Luckily, I have the procrastination skills of a teenager my age, so I was able to go through that enormous pile, and filter through the Book!Malec fanfictions. I’ll sort this masterpost with my favourite authors (because some people have the writing skills of a genius and I love all of their fics) , my favourite series’s, and my favourite fanfictions. Enjoy!

FAVOURITE AUTHORS

Spun on Fanfiction.net

Oh man, I could go on and on why the author is one of the best fanfiction writer I’ve ever seen, but I’ll keep it brief for everyone’s sake. The plots of the fics are so amazing, they’re short and to the point, which is an immediate winner in my book, yet they have so much detail. They’ve got the characters spot-on, they’ve got the right ratio of fluff to drama, and they have amazing Malec content. Keep in mind that those are all Book!Malec fics. Also, this author has a lot of work based off the first three books in the series, there aren’t that many after CoFA.

I could literally list all their fanfictions as my favourites, but I can’t really do that, so without further ado, here are my top five:        

*Pride Goeth  [T, 1/1]

Summary: Magnus is attractively arrogant. Alec is horrendously sick for two days, but he gets to be right for once, so it’s worth it. “We should call it a holiday. ‘The Day Alec Was Right and Magnus Was Wrong’.”

Notes: Definitely one of my top three, this is so amazing. Great storyline, well written characters, and full of fluff. 

*Snippets [T, 6/6]

Summary: One hundred and fifty one-sentence Magnus/Alec fics - everything from angst to crack to pure fluff. “I don’t think writing ‘Property of Magnus Bane’ on the back of my jeans is the ‘subtle sign of possession’ you were looking for.”

Notes: This fic takes you on a journey. It’s short and sweet, terribly angsty at times, and I love it

*Payment & Indebted [K+, 1/1] [K+, 1/1]

Summary (Payment): “There were some experiences that just couldn’t be bought, and being shyly hit on by a drowsy nine-year-old was one of them.” Because I am in love with the concept of Magnus and Alec meeting long before the party.

Indebted: Sequel to Payment. When Magnus told him “In nine or ten years, come find me and then we’ll talk,” he probably hadn’t meant “Nearly get yourself killed by a Greater Demon so I have to heal you again.” Alec was better at this when he was nine.

Notes: These are so sweet. I love the idea of Magnus meeting Alec as a child, and this author has captured the idea perfectly. The sequel is amazing as well, definitely check it out.

Understanding [K+, 1/1]

Summary: Robert gets rocks thrown at him, Valentine is occasionally not a total sociopath, and Max almost ends up being named ‘Templeton’ - in short, eleven people who impacted Maryse Lightwood’s life, in one way or another.

Notes: This POV so refreshing, they’re all really great stories and I love Alec’s especially, it’s such an unusual fic and I adore it. (Malec at the end)

Occupational Hazard [K+, 1/1]

Summary: Preseries. “It’s tragic,” Isabelle says, “but you’ve been demoted to family pillow. Deal.”

Notes: The family dynamic in this is so great, I love all the alluding hints to the series and how the Lightwoods interact with each other (this isn’t technically Malec but it’s still great)

CumberbatchCritter on AO3

I loooove this author so much. They have such an amazing way of telling a short, fluffy story. I re-read this authors works all the time, because I adore them so much, and the amount of Malec fluff in these is almost too much, but not quite. Again, these are all Book!Malec fanfictions. There are a lot of sick!fics, which I love, but other people may not like, so just a heads up, but they are extremely well written.

Here are my top five:

*Out of Character [T, 1/1] 

Summary: “… The city… was devastated and… there was a lake of blood… I saw you… reflected in it… and you were drowning…” He raised his head, looking blearily up towards Alec. “I think it’s a trap… and I can’t lose you… Alexander.

“Magnus has a dream. One of those dreams. When he comes to, all he can focus on is getting to Alec.

Notes: Usually these fics of Magnus-having-a-vision-of-Alec-dying are so overdone, but this fic comes in my top three, it’s so amazing.

 **Marred Beauty [M, 1/1]

Summary: Alec has scars.

He thinks that they’re not important.
Magnus calls them battle scars.

Notes: This is probably my favourite from this author, be warned, the Malec content in this is extraordinarily adorable. Tw - mentioned attempted suicide and scars.

Poison [T, 1/1]

Summary: Magnus knew there was something to be said about being on his knees in front of his boyfriend, but he guessed the effect was lessened slightly when he was on his knees because he hunched over the toilet, desperately trying not to throw up into it.

Notes: Magnus gets food poisoning. Fluff ensues. Enough said.

When in Doubt, Add Glitter [T, 1/1]

Summary: Magnus wanted to kill whoever had given Alec the flu, because he hated seeing his favourite Shadowhunter (and boyfriend) so miserable.

Notes: Alec contracts the Flu. Fluff-filled, very cute.  

*Wounds Left Open [T, 1/1]

Summary: “I’m serious, Alec,” Magnus said. “I had a knife against my throat and all I could think about was you… black hair, blue eyes, and the smile I fell for.”

Notes: Sort of a filler in between the return from Edom and the Malec make up, a little AU-ish, but still a favourite of mine.

Noisyhanners on AO3

AAAAA. This author is AMAZING. Their works are so sweet and nice and CUTE! If you like Lightwood-Bane family antics, this is the author for you. Max and Rafe are good kids, Alec and Magnus are great parents, fluff is STUFFED into these fics. All Book!Malec fics!

There are only four fics, so I’ll list them all as my top four:

*Rafe’s First Sleepover [K+, 1/1]

Notes: Rafael and Tavvy are future parabatai goals, featuring Emma and Jules. Very cute.            

*Max Goes to Prom [K+, 1/1]

Notes: My absolute FAVOURITE. They’re just a normal, happy, functioning family :“))

*Cat Comes to Dinner [K+, 1/1] 

Summary: Catarina not-so-secretly loves the Lightwood-Bane house.

Notes: Pure family antics, in Catarina’s POV. I highly recommend, super sweet.

*Total Bliss [K+, 1/1]

Summary: Alec and Magnus have a soft conversation over wine one rainy Saturday night-in.

Notes: DOMESTIC MALEC. ENOUGH SAID.

Thewholocked on AO3

I’m a sucker for alternate universes, and this author has tons. Hogwarts, Childhood Friends and just pure fluff drabbles, this author has a LOT. Keep in mind that there are some show!malec fics, but there are twice as many Book!Malec fics. The writing is a bit punctuated, but I don’t really mind. Pretty sure these are all Book!Malec again.

Top five:      

*Hitting (On) [K+, 1/1]

Summary: In which Alec and Magnus are Beaters of opponent Quidditch teams and hate (love) each other.

Notes: Ahhhhh. Don’t you just love enemies to friends to lovers AND Hogwarts AU’s?

*And This is How it Starts [T, 1/1] 

Summary: Basically Malec friend to lovers au.

Notes: Childhood Friends and drunken kissing. What could go wrong? 

The Champions [K+, 1/1]

Summary: Alec is from Durmstrang, Magnus is from Beauxbaton and they both happen to be the champions.

Notes: Magnus is from Beauxbaton, Alec is from Durmstrang, and they’re competing in the Triwizard Tournament. Fluff. 

In Love [K+, 1/1]

Summary: ‘A diaper. An actual freaking diaper. I was looking for that last night, I wrecked our sock drawer trying to find it and-it’s not funny, Alexander!’
But Alec was laughing so hard he couldn’t even respond, his voice musical, his head thrown back and Magnus starting smiling too because Alec’s laugh was so contagious and so utterly honest.

Notes: Tooth-rotting fluff.

One Step at a Time [K+, 1/1]              

Summary: Alec and Magnus teach their son how to walk.

Notes: Adorable.   

thewarlocksbitch on AO3

This author does some amazing fanfiction, but be warned, there are a load of smut fanfictions. The non-smut and smut ones are REALLY cute, and well written, and some of my top 10.

Top five: 

like a mischievous teenager [E, 1/1]

Summary: 'my parents hate you so I’m sneaking you in at night for sex shhh’ malec high school au

Notes: Cute, and very smutty. 

fearless [K+, 1/1]

Summary: kiss in the accords hall from Alec’s pov

Notes: Hall of Accords. Need I say anything more 

surprise PDA [K+, 1/1]

Summary: prompt: i wasn’t gay but then i kissed you in front of some homophobes to piss them off and now im im kinda gay au (well actually I am gay but I’m closeted and didn’t know how much I like you)

Notes: ahhhhh this is so cute omg, I love how Alec is written in this.

*sleepover [T, 1/1]

Summary: 
“we’re in college and living in the same dorm, and I find you passed out in the elevator after a night out with friends” au

Notes: I just love college AU’s. Very cute.

*truth or dare? [T, 1/1]

Summary: malec highschool au with best friends to confused crushes after a truth or dare kiss and “Looks like we’ll be trapped for a while…”

Notes: Childhood BFF AU’s are the best. Really well written. 

LastHope on AO3

This author has everything. I love them. I feel as if most of what they write is canon in my mind, because it’s that good and that well written. There’s loads of Malec fics which are AMAZING, and some Heline fics which are SUPER GOOD and you should definitely check out. These are all Book!Malec.

Top five:

*A Conversation on Immortality [T, 1/1]

Summary: Aline comes to a realization, and seeks advice from the only person she can think of who knows what to do. Post-CoHF

Notes: This fic makes me cry every time I re read it. Amazing Malec, Heline, and Alec/Aline brotp. Highly recommend.

*Where Thou Diest, I Will Die [T, 1/1]

Summary: …and there will I be buried: The Angel do so to me, and more also. - Parabatai OathWhat happens to the other half of the parabatai bond when one dies?Alec’s side of the Battle of Brocelind Plain, after Jace was stabbed.

Notes: another heartbreaking fic, with Malec and platonic Jalec feels.

**Bewitching Bouquets [K+, 1/1]

Summary: All Magnus wanted was the cute blue-eyed man’s phone number. All Alec wanted was to be able to breathe.

Notes: AAAAAA I LOVE THIS FIC. FLOWER SHOP AU’S ARE MY WEAKNESS.

To Love Someone That Much [T, 1/1]

Summary: Helen imparts some words of wisdom on Magnus about his past, and current, relationship with Alec before she leaves for Wrangel Island.

Notes: Pre-Malec make-up, when Helen kicks Magnus in the ass to get his act together. Another amazing fic.

*Secret Fights [K+, 1/1]

Summary: Alec and Magnus were supposed to have a happy relationship, not one like Mom and Dad’s. Isabelle hated hearing secret fights occurring in the middle of the night when the couples in question thought no one would hear them. She heard. Isabelle always heard.
Series

Notes: During CoLS. THE ANGST.

Rena on AO3

Again, an amazing author which I highly recommend, they’ve got everything from sentence fics to chaptered. Such a beautiful writer.

Top five: 

Fragments [T, 1/1]

Summary: One hundred one sentence pieces of Magnus/Alec from angst to fluff. “Okay, I’m giving you exactly one minute to explain to me why and whereto all my clothes have vanished – and 'because they were black’ is not a valid answer.”

Notes: Amazing sentence fic, cute & funny

Five Times…. [T, 1/1]

Summary: ..Magnus Bane saved Alec Lightwood, and one time he couldn’t.

Notes: Hilarious fanfic, not what you think it is. 

These Fragments I Have Shored Against My Ruins [T, 1/1] 

Summary: In which Magnus lies wide awake at night and ponders over the fragility of their relationship.

Notes: Angsty af, but I love it.

Letters From Nowhere [T, 11/11]

Summary: A mysterious letter at the front door, with no indication who might have sent it. And if Alec wants to find that person, he has to solve the puzzle laid-out for him… 

Notes: Such a cute AU, I recommend this fic so much.

Kaleidoscope [T, 1/1]  

Summary: “At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities.” Drabble-collection.

Notes: Drabble collection. Very cute and occasionally angsty

FAVOURITE STAND-ALONE FICS

Finding Out by jennynivea [T, 1/1]
How the different people in Alec’s life find out that he is engaged to Magnus. Includes Izzy and Simon, Jace and Clary, Aline and Helen and Maryse and Robert. With a dash of fluff, humor and heartfelt feels. 

Notes: Very funny, especially the Izzy and Simon section

Instruments of Chaos by pissedofsandwich [T, 1/1]
It all started with, “Marry me today.” Or, the one where Alec and Aline kicked ass in the Clave meeting. Or, basically, all of the official pairings cramped in one fic and caused chaos. 

Notes: This one is a bit cheesy, but I still love it. Notice the use of the unidentified snippets.

A Soft White Damn by twahtohnedskee [K+, 1/1]
She bet he was waiting for someone. Boys like that always were. She hoped that the girl was pretty, at least. By now, the boy’s cheeks were starting to color due to the cold. It was kind of adorable. She didn’t understand why anyone would keep a boy like that waiting. 

Notes: A beautiful fic, told in an outsiders POV.

We Can Try by prodigaldaughter13 [T, 1/1]
Jace is causing trouble once again, plotting to get Magnus and Alec back together. 

Notes: Basically someone’s take on how Magnus and Alec were going to get back together, it’s an adorable fic and I love it so much.

The Other Side by saraubs [T, 1/1]
Alec finds an old trunk full of mementos in Magnus’s closet and is upset to find that there’s nothing in there to remind Magnus of him. Or is there? Inspired by the short story “Magnus’s Vow”. 

Notes: Where Alec finds Magnus’ box of memories and gets a vision of all the moments featuring him important to Magnus. Very good ff.

Ask Me by himekohimura [K+, 1/1]
A short of the City of Glass scene. 

Notes: Aaaaa so cute!!!! I love re-reading this one.

Bits and Pieces by Take_Me_To_My_Fragile_Dreams [T, 3/?]
A collection of 1000 prompts all centering around Magnus and Alec.
Practical: “Magnus, sliding down a rainbow to reach the altar isn’t really the best idea, it’d probably spook the flying horses you’re so keen on having.”
 

Notes: A lovely sentence fic, ranging from fluff to angst

Don’t Touch My Heart (I Was Taken From The Start) by Take_Me_To_My_Fragile_Dreams [T, 1/1]
In a world where everyone has a soulmate whose name is tattooed on their wrist, Alec and Magnus are just trying to find one another among the masses. 

Notes: This is SUCH a beautiful fic. Honestly. If you like soulmate AU’s, this is the fic for you. 

Some Day by Take_Me_To_My_Fragile_Dreams [K+, 1/1]
Some day he’ll stop blaming Jace. (But not today). 

Notes: Hella cute phone conversation fanfic.

Of Weddings and Surnames by fakeditfromthewordgo [K+, 1/1]
'“I’ve met a lot of men–“ Jace snorted, and Magnus’ eyes narrowed– “but I don’t think anyone could forget Will Herondale.”’ 

Notes: Jace is nervous on his wedding day, and Magnus tells him about his ancestor. Not really Malec, but a cool fic anyways.

Flicker by may10baby [T, 1/1]
Set during the main battle of COA. Magnus’ POV as he rescues Alec from drowning. 

Notes: I have nothing to say except :“(((.

The Memory Room by ElvenAvari [K+, 1/1]
Imagine somebody who’s immortal having a gigantic room where all the walls are completely covered up with photos. Each one is of a different loved one whom they have outlived. 

Notes: *violent sobbing*

Open Doors by gigi_marlee [K+, 1/1]
The day Alec moved into Magnus’ loft in Brooklyn was the day he told his mother he was moving out.
It was easier to do when he practiced with Magnus.

Notes: Cute Mayrse and Alec dynamic, I really like this one.

Across the Realms by KataraAlchemist [T, 10/10]
It’s happened before, a shadowhunter moved wrong or just didn’t move fast enough, and the next moment they were gone. Sucked into another realm. And they never came home, not alive or in one piece anyhow. Now it is happening again, Alec is gone. 

Notes: This is such an emotional fic, it says in first person POV though, so don’t read if you don’t like.

things we’re good at by alicelightwoodbane [T, 1/1]
Notes: Post-CoHF. This is such a CUTE AND ADORABLE FIC! I cannot recommend this more.

Day 6: "Take my strength” Day by Malteser24 [K+, 1/1]
Notes: This fanfiction made me bawl like a baby, it’s such a sweet beautiful fic. Malec weddings are the best.

Very Good News by Kimmy [K+, 1/1]
Never had a phone call at three in the morning spelled good news. 

Notes: This is an amazing fic, adorable and sweet. :“))

Kiss the Teacher by Aristola Gracewell [T, 1/1]
Rainy days makes for lazy mornings. Magnus tries, and fails, to bribe his boyfriend to take a day off work. Being the sweetheart that he is, he offers to make-up for lost time by giving a nearly-tardy Alec a ride to work.
(Or: This is what happens when Alec’s students catch him kissing Magnus in the entryway.)
 

Notes: AAAAA I’M IN LOVE WITH THIS FIC. TEACHER AU.

Boyfriend’s Lesser Talents by Aristola Gracewell [T, 1/1]
You hate cooking” Alec blurted out.
“But that doesn’t mean I’m not any good at it.”

Notes: Super sweet and domestic, I’m in love with this.

The Descent by GiveUpResistance [E, 10/10]
He brought a splash of colour, of life, to him when he sat down next to him with a graphite smudged face when he was fifteen, and after seven years of being his friend, Alec loves him still, falling harder and harder with each passing moment, with every word and look, every fight and every apology, a steepening descent. Malec AU set over seven long years of falling. 

Notes: Oh god. This fic made me laugh, cry, and everything in between. This is my favourite fanfic at the moment. It’s super angsty, sweet at the end, and will probably make you sob. tw for self harm.

A Splash of Colour by irie_eerie [K+, 1/1]
Alec always felt invisible, an outsider watching from the sidelines. Then he meets Magnus, a street painter who lives his dream in a world of color. “It just takes one person to make you feel like you belong. To make you feel special.” AU-AH, Malec. Inspired by the movie The Giant Mechanical Man. 

Notes: THIS IS SO ADORABLE AND SWEET. ONE IF MY FAVOURITES.

Harder Things to Say by Diabolus_Invictus [T, 1/1]
Following the events of 'City of Heavenly Fire’, Alec returns to Magnus’s apartment for the first time to figure out how this is going to work in the aftermath of… well, everything. 

Notes: This is such an amazing fic, it’s so good I consider it canon in my mind. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

We’re Gonna Be Okay by Inrainbowz [K+, 1/1]
Isabelle observes Alec and Magnus and thinks that maybe, just maybe, everything will be fine. 

Notes: :“)))))))

Keep This Love in a Photograph by blushingkurt [K+, 1/1]
Magnus Bane, being immortal, had a hard time remembering things that have happened in his past. That’s why he turns to photography - to capture the more important aspects of his life so he can look back and remember them forever.

NotesThis is an amazing short fic, it’s a million times better than what the description says.

Frankly, Catarina by A_Graph_You_Look_At [K+, 1/1]
You are aware of the immense inequality in the dynamic of your relationship, aren’t you?”

NotesLovesick Magnus is one of the best Magnus’. Great fic.

Six Stages of Falling in Love by vulturemomen [T, 1/1]
Notes: This fic does not get enough credit. It’s so well written and beautiful.

They Go in Pairs by Inrainbowz [K+, 1/1]
All I want is the knowledge that I won’t ever have to chose between the two of you.“
Alec tries to understand the problem between Jace and Magnus. He is not asking them to be the best of friends, but he needs his boyfriend and his brother to get along a minimum.
 

Notes: A great fanfic. :)))))

Hold Onto Those by Inrainbowz [T, 1/1]

“Do you want to make a wish?” “Fuck off.” “Come on, it’s just a question. What would you wish for? If you could ask for anything.” “I would wish for this pain to disappear.” “Ah. A classic. My wish is to have the sentence "Be careful of what you wish for” tattooed on my forehead. But for now, it’s all about you.“

Notes: This fic doesnt get enough credit, and its so much more than the description. A take on post-CoLS

slow, steady and a little unusual by softlightwood [T, 1/1]

Isabelle blinks slowly.

"He kissed me, and i- i fell. Down the stairs”

Notes: tHIS IS SO CUTE, a take on the aftermath of malec’s first date, a little au-ish.

hold onto me by softlightwood [T, 1/1]

Is this the worst of it? Are you hurt anywhere else?" "I think I may have sprained my ankle” Magnus answers thoughtfully. “And my pride. But that’s the main source of the problem, I imagine”

Notes: Magnus gets hurt, Alec takes care of him :”) 

we’re good, we’re solid, we’re gold by softlightwood [K+, 1/1]

A rune comes to Clary in a dream. She knows exactly who it’s meant for.

Notes: If this doesn’t become canon, I’ll cry.

kiss me until the morning light by alicelightwoodbane [M, 1/1]

There are lots of different kisses.

Notes: post CoHF and adorable.   

Priorities by Pendragon2601 [M, 1/1] 

When Alec is badly injured after a routine patrol, Magnus is called to help save his life. Once he is cured, they then have a much needed talk about their prioities as parents. 

Notes: :”)

FAVOURITE SERIES’S

The Lightwood-Bane Chronicles by alecdvnpt
Three amazing stories following the life of the Lightwood-Bane’s. I would highly recommend this series, it’s so fluffy and adorable and great, I love it so much.

So that’s all! I’ll definitely add to the list when I come across, enjoy!

Favorite Smut

Hi everyone. I just wanted to compile all my favorite smut in one place for anyone who is interested. All the stories are linked down below and all the authors are credited (I highly suggest you check out these authors because their work is art) THIS IS IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER I JUST THOUGHT OF MY FAV STORIES AND TAGGED THEM :) I will keep updating this btw. 

1) Mr. Min- @ellieljade - Ok this has to be one of my all time favorite stories. When she says she’d upload I stay up all night waiting for her lol. Seriously the plot is great and the story is very well constructed. I highly highly highly suggest you give her blog a look and read Mr. Min too.

2) BTS Smut - @kpop-bts-smut Ok this one is an entire blog lol but it’s ok.  I have a slight biased towards this blog cause they make audios too lololol I feel a connection. Anyways it’s a great blog so go check it out and I cry at the audios every time so you can cry with me at the same time. 

3) Sin City- @btssmutgalore - WOWOWOWOW ya’ll already know about my love for this series because of that video I posted lol but guys if you don’t read anything on this list at least give this story a try I promise you will not regret it. Also I’ll be posting an audio that was inspired by this story tonight :) also you should drop by the blog and leave a couple nice words to Dee she’s sweet and she deserves it.

4) @seokvie this one is another blog and I like everything on it so I’d say go give it a look and you’ll love it. Tension had me on my knees pls pls pls read it. 

5) Our Little Secret - @avveh I can’t say enough about this story so instead imma let ya’ll read and cry. 

There’s about 170382083028 more so I’ll keep updating this when I can think of more but these are just quick recommendations :)

.̴ ̵. .̷
( antisepticeye )
.̴ ̵. .̷

@septicdreams: After hearing Dark comfort someone who’s crying, could Anti be comforting someone? You don’t have to do it, just an idea!

@wildhorsewolf: Dark comfort someone was so cute could we get anti calming someone down from a panic attack

anonymous: Could you do Anti comforting someone? Thanks!! <3

anonymous: Hey Anti How would you calm down someone who was crying? It be nice to hear something “Caring” Coming out of your mouth when Im sad.

anonymous: Can you do more like the “listen closely I need you” one that Anti did a while back (before the group started)? It’s my favorite

( @anti-support-group )

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anonymous asked:

Do you have any fluffy headcannons about how the members of Goat and Kaneki would treat Touka if she's pregnant? XD

OH MY GOD

  • i need to start with Naki. Imagine Naki being super overprotective of Touka with the silliest things, at first it looks cute but then Touka gets easily irritated because it’s… way too much. If she’s going to take a seat somewhere, he’s like “oohhh!! let me help you manager!!” grabbing her by the arm and helping her sit even if she doesn’t need help. If she tries to make some coffee he’s like “let me do it manager you are pregnant you need to rest,” and she’s like… no, you’re gonna break the cups/machine and he’s pushing her towards the couch “don’t worry manager, i got this” …. 3 min later he breaks almost every mug. Poor Naki just wants to be useful and help the king’s waifu but he’s always messing it up and one day Touka screams at him to leave her alone for once and Naki can’t help but run away and cry. Touka feels super bad after that.
  • Hinami is super sweet all the time, she usually reads books for the baby and she’s always hugging her tummy.
  • Ayato’s face turns into a huge red tomato when Touka invites him to feel the baby with his hand for the first time, at first he’s putting excuses but she grabs his hand and places it on her tummy and he’s literally about to cry
  • the aogiri kids are super excited for the baby and they’re always placing their little ears on Touka’s belly and whenever they see her they suggest new names for the baby.
  • the garden kids are also very protective of Touka just like Naki, they’re always following her around and creating some type of shield around her body to keep her safe, lol.
  • Touka loooooves to use Nishiki as a slave with the excuse of “i’m pregnant, i can’t move, my back hurts, i feel dizzy” so she’s always like “hey, nishiki, make me a coffee. Could you bring me the blanket? i’m cold. Nishiki, go and buy more coffee beans. Hey, pass me the pillow. Nishiki, rub my back a bit, i can’t even move..” and at first he’s trying to remain calm but one day he loses his shit and he’s like I’M NOT YOUR FUCKING MAID and Touka is like ;-; how dare you to scream at a pregnant woman… for Nishiki’s bad luck, Yomo and Ayato where there when he screamed at her so yeah, rip nishiki.
  • Tsukiyama buys a ridiculous amount of baby clothes almost every day, he always comes to her with almost 10 bags of super expensive garment and Touka doesn’t have more space left to put all the bags. 
  • Koma can’t stop dreaming of the day the baby borns to finally have someone willing to hear all his Devil Ape stories. 

enjoy reading this because it’s never going to happen and the baby will die, adios! *flies away*

Tower of Dawn reaction

So I just finished ToD and I have a lot of feelings. I made a few notes while reading it so here it goes

Spoilers under the cut

HELLO CHAOL PLEASE DONT MAKE ME CRY ON THE FIRST CHAPTER

Ok… the setting of the atmosphere and the new continent and Antica are very interesting. It is very Mongolian I am so here for it

I still don’t know how i feel about the royal family

OK BUT EVERY TIME SOMEONE MENTIONS DORIAN OR AELIN I SCREAM

when Chaol was thinking about the witches’ attack on Rifthold and how Manon probably led it I laughed so hard lol IF HE ONLY KNEW

NESRYN’S SO CONFLICTED SHE FEELS LIKE AN OUTSIDER IN ADARLAN I AM SO EMOTIONAL RIGHT NOW

Kashin and Sartaq… ok I like you don’t screw it up

HELLO YRENE

SHE WANTS TO HELP IN THE WAR I AM CRYING SHE IS TOO GOOD  I am on her first chapter and i am literally crying

“A note, written by a stranger who had saved her life and granted her freedom in a matter of hours. Yrene had never learned her name, that young woman who had worn her scars like some ladies wore their finest jewelry.” AND I THOUGHT I WAS EMOTIONAL BEFORE DAMN AELIN I haven’t read The Assassin’s Blade lol

NESRYN AND CHAOL NEED TO TALK ASAP

CATS IN THE LIBRARY

the vlag followed them didn’t they

So is Nesryn and Sartaq and Chaol and Yrene now

The girls at the Torre fangirling over Chaol lol 😂

Chaol poor baby i am very emotional… how useless he feels
HIS MEMORIES I AM CRYING THE PAIN IS REAL

“Good color. Good posture. Certainly good sass.” I SHIP IT

“Skull’s Bay” REALLY CHAOL

DORIAN TORTURING AND KILLING CHAOL’S MEN WHEN HE WAS CONTROLLED BY THE VLAG … CAN YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING AND CRYING

Sartaq is BABE

DAMN THOSE SPIDERS LOL THEY REMIND ME OF MANON AND HOW MUCH I MISS HER

PROTECT BORTE AT ALL COSTS

CAHOL WALKING AND CAHORENE KISSING THAT WAS SOOO INTENSE

I like Kadara but Abraxos is still my babe

THE HEALERS ORIGINATED FROM THE FAE

Hasar and Renia !!! ENOUGH SAID

CHAOL TALKING ABOUT AELIN AND THE ROYALS PISSING IN THEIR PANTS IS MY AESTHETIC

CHAOL DEFENDING ROWAN IS EVERYTHING

THATS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU SHITTALK ABOUT AELIN-YRENE PUSHING HASAR IN THE POOL 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

RENIA SAVED THE DAY

CHAOLANDYRENECHAOLANDYRENECHAOLANDYRENE I TOTALLY KNEW IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN

SARTAQ IS BREAKING MY HEART

JWHDGWNCECJD FREAKING MAVE WTFFFFFFFF

OK but these chapters with the spiders were so intense I CAN FINALLY BREATHE 

I KNEW IT I KNEW IT WE KNOW LYSANDRA’S PARENTAGE

Chaol and Yrene are so horny and touchy lol

FINALLY SEEING CHAOL’S PERSPECTIVE AND FEELINGS WITH EVERYTHING WITH AELIN
HIS EMOTIONS TOWARDS HER AND ROWAN AND HIS DEVOTION TO DORIAN WTF THIS CHAPTER IS BREAKING MY HEART

DORIAN AND CHAOL ARE EVERYTHING!!!

CHAOL EMBRACING HIS INJURIES AND REALIZING HE IS NOT LESS BECAUSE OF THEM IS MY NEW JAM

SHE SAVED HIM THEY ARE TIED TOGETHER

“NEVER DUVA” THE ROYAL FAMILY IS
GIVING ME THE FEELS

SARTAQ YESSSSS  

YES NESRYN DESERVES SOMEONE WHO PUTS HER FIRST 

SHE IS GOING TO BE AN EMPRESS YALL

“LADY WESTFALL” I AM SCREAMING

Lol in ToG one of  Dorian’s biggest problems was that his mother wanted to marry him off and now his friends are married before him and didn’t invite him to the weddings HE IS GOING TO BE SOOOO PISSED 😂

Manorian wedding in tog7 BUT DONT CUT IT OUT SARAH

“There was something to be said about the prospect of charging down Morath foot soldiers atop a horse named Butterfly” BEST LINE OF THE BOOK 

HE KNOWS IT WAS AELIN WHO WROTE THE NOTE 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

FIREHEART WHY WHYYYYYY

“Let’ begin” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I WAS NOT READY FOR THIS

Buffy moments that made me cry

Oi! This post contains spoilers, read at your own risk or whatever.

So, this is gonna be a fun, happy time. 

Sike, because I’m gonna crush your hearts. And keep you here for a long time, because damn is this long. It’s important to understand that, when making this list, I was going off of memory so that could be a reason as to why not every terribly sad scene is in here. Another reason a scene could be left off is because I don’t like certain characters, so their sad moments didn’t cause me to emotionally explode like these did. For example, I’m not a huge fan of Faith, Joyce, Dawn, or Riley. I like them all, but I wasn’t invested enough in them as characters to warrant their hard times breaking my soul. Make sense?

Also, you will notice a common theme here, and if you’ve been following me for a while, this will come as no surprise (and neither will me talking about scenes I’ve already talked excessively about a million times): Spike, Spike, Spuffy, Spike. Spike is my all time favorite character from any show. So, it stands to reason that I feel his pains and woes more heavily than the other characters. Building on that, Spuffy is my ultimate ship. Ergo…you get it. In fact, most of this post will be about Spike, Spuffy, Twillow, and Xanya (is that their ship name?). You’re probably tired of hearing about the same scenes everyone (me) talks about, for example, a lot of the stuff from S7. And honestly, I’m getting a little tired of talking about them, but this list wouldn’t be complete without it, so bear with me.

So, I’m also gonna rate these by level of tears and soul-breakage (whether for happy or sad reasons). A scale of 1 to 5. Allow me to demonstrate with Dean Winchester gifs. 

1 - Prickly eyes, very deep feeling of sadness

2 - Eyes brimmed with tears about to spill over

3 - Tears fall

4 - Tears won’t stop falling

5 - All hope of composure is lost

Fair warning: there are only two 5s on here. So. And keep in mind that a 1 doesn’t mean it’s a bad scene. Think of 1s as very good scenes and 5s as mind-blowing, fuck me up scenes. Also, they’re just how I reacted. I know some of these hit harder with some or fell flat with others. And of course, there’s other scenes that were very sad to watch but didn’t quite make me tear up. For example, when Willow first sees that Glory took away Tara’s sanity or when Spike tells Buffy he’d risk his life to go after someone that hurt her. Okay, let’s get into it.

Okay, before the Buffy, I want to start with a few scenes from Angel that really got me. Not a lot in Angel did get me because I wasn’t as invested in it, but these were hard. 

Doyle dies

The episode: “Hero” 

My rating: 1/5

The moment: There’s a magical bomb about to explode so, Doyle decides to sacrifice himself to save everyone.

Why I cried: Doyle is one of the few characters on Angel that I had a really protective attitude with. Much like I did with early seasons Willow or with Tara, sort of just a sweet character that I want to keep safe. So, because we see Doyle struggle since the beginning with his identity as half-demon, this heroic last act means so much for his story. Not to mention, his last goodbyes with Angel and Cordelia were very heartfelt and sad.

Buffy forgets Human!Angel

The episode: “I Will Remember You”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Angel had become human for this episode and was able to spend a whole day with Buffy, consequence free. However, realizing he couldn’t protect the world as a human, he opted to erase the previous day. This moment is Angel explaining to Buffy that only he would remember their day together.

Why I cried: This scene got me for a number of reasons. One of the primary reasons is the behind the scenes information surrounding it. Sarah couldn’t hold herself together, David whispered her name (that you can hear in the scene) to calm her. That proves the power of this moment. Additionally, understanding that Angel will have the bear the memory of this day, cut me pretty deep. So did seeing Buffy so broken and panicked. All together, a gut-wrenching scene.

Fred dies

The episode: “A Hole in the World”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Fred has a run in with an ancient coffin containing the Old One, Illyria. She kills Fred by cooking her organs, causing her to slowly fade away while being watched over by Wesley, her current love. 

Why I cried: Fred is another one of those pure characters that doesn’t deserve the fate she receives. Wesley and Fred spend so long dancing around each other, being with other people before finally connecting…only to have it violently ripped away from them. Requited love resulting in immediate tragedy is something Joss Whedon is a master of, and this certainly isn’t the last example on this list.

Wesley dies

The episode: “Not Fade Away”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Wesley fights his final battle for Angel and the greater good, resulting in a serious wound that took his life. In his final moments, Illyria transforms herself into Fred to give Wes peace as he dies.

Why I cried: Honestly, the main thought running through my mind with this scene is that Wes and Fred will finally be together. His end is bittersweet for me, as he struggled so much in Angel. Adding on to this, seeing Fred weep over Wesley and knowing that it was equal parts Fred and Illyria feeling grief for him hits home as much as anything else. 

Okay, that’s Angel done. As I said, I wasn’t as invested so I don’t remember all the intense scenes, for one, and I also didn’t care about the story as much in general. Let’s move on to Buffy.

Buffy quits

The episode: “Prophecy Girl”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy overhears Angel and Giles discussing the prophecy that Buffy is to die if she faces the Master. She makes her presence known and decides to quit her role as Slayer because she’s afraid of dying.

Why I cried: This is the first time we see Buffy terrified of anything. Really terrified. And understandably so. I think the thing about this scene that gets me the most is that Buffy is supposed to be this tough girl, not afraid of anything, least of all dying. Which is quite unfair to ask of anyone. So here, we see the rational reaction to dying that we don’t expect her to have. Hearing her tell Giles that she’s sixteen and doesn’t want to die is almost shocking because she’s right, but that’s something we don’t totally register before this scene. And it’s almost made sadder by the fact that we know she doesn’t really have the choice to walk away from her calling. No matter how hard she fights, it doesn’t matter.

Buffy and Giles cry together

The episode: “Passion”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: Right after Giles goes after Angelus for killing Jenny, Buffy pulls him out of the burning factory and screams at him for risking his life.

Why I cried: It’s just the combination of knowing Giles’ pain is so real and seeing Buffy’s fear of losing him. Giles, being a Watcher, hadn’t really had the opportunity to live a life outside of books and Slayers. Jenny was his chance to do that, and he lost her. He lost her right after he’d decided to take her back after the whole Angel/Angelus debacle. Remember that requited love turns to tragedy thing? On top of that, it isn’t often we see Buffy express her affection for Giles. This rare moment of vulnerability, for both of them, makes this scene crushing.

Buffy kills Angel

The episode: “Becoming: Part 2″

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Buffy resigns herself to killing Angelus, as it appears they won’t be able to ensoul him, and he plans to release Acathla and destroy the world. At the last moment, after the door to Hell is opened, Angel regains his soul. Unfortunately, the only way to close the portal is to the kill the one who opened it. Buffy, then, is forced to kill her love.

Why I cried: The acting. That’s what it is. Other than the fact that it’s terribly tragic that they have to lose each other after so long apart,–*coughs* requited love–it’s just the fact that I can see it all on their faces. And Angel is so confused by what’s happening, and Buffy doesn’t explain. She just says goodbye, a goodbye cloaked in loving words. And then Angel’s confusion turns to shock, and Buffy’s expression of responsibility overrun with pain…it’s all a part of why this scene is so, so sad.

Buffy cries in Willow’s lap

The episode: “The Prom”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Just after Angel breaks up with her, Buffy confides in Willow. She conveys that she’s trying to keep from dying, that she feels like she can’t breathe. Willow holds her head in her lap while she cries.

Why I cried: On a personal note, for me and I’m sure many others, this spoke to me. It related almost exactly to one of my break-ups in the past. Because of that, it was more than just watching these characters bleed and cry on TV and trying to understand it. This, I did understand. And it hurts. And seeing our hero weep like this over something so…mundane…that’s pain.

Willow and Oz break up

The episode: “Wild at Heart”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Oz has made the decision, after a few nights with a fellow werewolf, that he will leave Sunnydale to try and tame the beast inside of him. As a result, he has to initiate a painful goodbye with the woman he loves.

Why I cried: This is the ever-present struggle with relationships. You want to be together, you want to be with them, but when it comes down to it, sometimes you need to take care of you. And that’s a tough choice to make. The thing about this scene is that neither of them fell out of love with the other (despite Willow asking Oz if he had). Oz had to tear himself away from the one thing he’d loved all his life so that he could better himself. Which means, for me anyway, that you can’t blame Oz. And an ending relationship where neither party is to blame, well that’s a hard blow. 

Oz’s final goodbye

The episode: “New Moon Rising”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Oz returns to Sunnydale, hoping to reignite his flame with Willow. Upon returning, he realizes that Willow has fallen in love with someone else–Tara. In his final scene, he says a tearful and final goodbye to Willow.

Why I cried: You know that feeling when you’re watching something and you just know that this is the end for a character? Like, you feel the deep sorrow that this is the last you’ll see of them? That’s what I was feeling. And I’m sure that’s what Willow was feeling. Because Oz didn’t fall out of love with her, it’s saddening to see him so wilted because he wasn’t able to get back together with Willow. But at the same time, it’s amazing to see how understanding and caring he is regarding Willow’s love for another person. Happy goodbyes can be just as tearful as the sad ones.

Willow chooses Tara

The episode: “New Moon Rising”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: After leaving Oz, Willow goes to Tara’s dorm room. Tara worries that Willow is coming to tell her she’s chosen Oz. She assures Willow that she should be with the one she loves, to which Willow replies, “I am.”

Why I cried: Oh my goodness. Tara is just so happy in this moment. And so is Willow. After all the confusion, after all the concern and tiptoeing and worry, Willow and Tara finally choose each other.

The gang defends Tara  

The episode: “Family”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Tara’s family comes to take her home because they claim (falsely) that she is part demon. She’s prepared to leave to spare her friends the shame of knowing her. In a twist, the Scoobies–even Spike, to an extent–defend Tara and protect her against her family.

Why I cried: This is the first time Tara is ever officially welcomed into the unofficial family of the Scoobies. And we get to see characters come to her defense, not because she’s connected to Willow, but because she’s connected to all of them. It’s a very warm family moment that gives me the warm fuzzies.

Spike comforts Buffy 

The episode: “Fool for Love”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: After a long night at each other’s throats, Spike vows to kill Buffy despite the complication of the behavior chip. Upon arriving at her house, Spike finds Buffy crying because of her mother’s worsening illness, a fact unbeknownst to him. He asks what’s wrong, if there’s anything he can do and ends up sitting silently with her in the moment.

Why I cried: Why would I cry so much over such a small thing? Well, because of the little things. Spike looks…curious. Instead of this big, swanky, know-it-all vampire, Spike is intrigued and curious concerning Buffy and how he feels about her. It’s almost like Buffy is this magical, foreign creature that he can’t look away from lest it run away, never to be seen again. And when he pats her back, he’s so gentle with her, somehow understanding what she needs without knowing the situation. And it helps. You can see Buffy’s face, see that she’s comforted to have someone to be with her there. It’s a very serene, tender moment.

Buffy finds her mom dead  

The episode: “The Body”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy comes home to find Joyce lying on the couch, dead. In a panic, she calls 911. After that, she calls Giles. All the while, moving from confusion to alarm to shock.

Why I cried: This is a very real reaction to death. Especially the death of a close loved one. And it’s very strange for us to see Buffy this shattered, even with all the pain she’s gone through before this moment. It’s a hard scene to pick at, but we feel the same sort of surreal blankness that Buffy does.

Buffy tells Dawn about Joyce  

The episode: “The Body”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy goes to Dawn’s school to tell her about their mother’s death.

Why I cried: It’s just…I didn’t and don’t care for Dawn very much…so that alone should tell you why this scene made the list. Seeing her that sorrowful and knowing that she still feels, if only in this case, like a little girl that still needs her mommy…it makes this scene heartbreaking.

Willow and Tara embrace

The episode: “The Body”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Willow worries over what she should wear to the hospital to meet Buffy and Dawn. Her sadness and cries escalate until Tara goes to her, and they share their first (on-screen) kiss.

Why I cried: For one, it’s a good reminder that Joyce touched more people’s lives than Buffy’s and Dawn’s. Also, it’s a good moment for us to be there with Willow and Tara and feel their love and compassion. Just the way that they hold each other and breathe into each other’s embrace…it’s beautiful. 

Anya asking why Joyce died

The episode: “The Body”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Tensions raise between Willow and Anya, as Anya doesn’t completely understand the actions taken by humans when a loved one dies. Anya soon breaks down and exclaims that the mortality of humans is nonsensical and stupid.

Why I cried: Anya is meant to be this confused, blunt, and uninformed character that never really grasps the spectrum of human emotions and mannerisms. But here’s the thing: in her ramblings about the stupidity of death and her confusion over why Joyce had to die, she makes the most sense of all. The beauty of her confusion and bluntness and uninformed nature is that she hits on the exact thought that everyone has when someone passes on: why? 

Buffy cries with Dawn 

The episode: “Forever”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: After Buffy stops Dawn from resurrecting their mother, she hears a knock on the door and runs to it, hoping it’s her mother. Dawn tears the photo of Joyce up that was used to bring her back in the first place, cancelling the spell. Realizing that they are truly on their own now, the two break down in front of the door and cry openly together.

Why I cried: It’s some of the first common ground we see with the two of them, especially since Joyce’s death. It’s horrible yet heartwarming to see Buffy and Dawn, at least for the time being, come together as sisters.

“I know you’ll never love me.”

The episode: “The Gift”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike and Buffy return to her house to pick up some weapons for their fight against Glory. Upon arriving, Spike offers to take the weapons over the threshold, having been locked out of Buffy’s house previously. Buffy invites him in for the second time and tells Spike she’s counting on him to protect Dawn. He replies that he will–“’til the end of the world,” even if he dies doing so. He then tells her that, even though he knows she’ll never love him, he’s grateful that she treats him like a man.

Why I cried: Oh my God, so many reasons. From the top, Spike’s willingness to cooperate with Buffy’s wishes to stay out of her house and then Buffy’s subsequent invitation to enter back in says volumes about how far they’ve come in such a short time. Spike’s facial expression when she invites him back in began the trail of tears for me. When Spike proclaims he will protect Dawn “’til the end of the world,” that solidified the notion that he’d really changed, which overwhelmed me with emotion. And finally, when Spike says “I know you’ll never love me. I know that I’m a monster, but you treat me like a man and that’s…” That moment really touches me, firstly, because of the respect you can see on Buffy’s face. Whether or not she even likes Spike, she respects him now, after it all. Secondly, Spike is expecting to die. Whether by himself or alongside everyone, he’s expecting that this night is the end for him. And his final words to Buffy tell her: it’s alright that you don’t love me, I’m just happy to be in your life. He doesn’t try and convince her one last time, doesn’t try and persuade her. He’s a complete gentleman, and that’s the best part.

Willow finds Tara 

The episode: “The Gift”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Willow is finally able to get Tara back after so long without her because of Glory’s magic keeping Tara from being in control of her own mind. In a rush of joy, the two embrace, Willow telling a previously lost Tara that she’ll always find her.

Why I cried: The happiest tears come from this scene. Can you imagine being separated from your true love for so long without ever actually being physically apart from them? Having to see them every single day struggling against their own mind? That must be the hardest fate you could have. But Willow stuck with Tara, and it paid off in the end. The found each other in one of the happiest moments of the show’s run. 

Spike sees Buffy dead

The episode: “The Gift”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: After a long and hard fight against Glory, Buffy sacrifices herself to close the portal opened up by Summers blood. Her friends and family show varying signs of grief for their loss.

Why I cried: So, Willow and Spike had the two strongest reactions to seeing Buffy dead. Dawn was crying, but she’d already talked to Buffy and knew she would be dead when she reached the bottom of the tower. Anya was blank, seemingly because Buffy dying was almost expected. Xander and Giles showed emotion–sadness–but didn’t cry. Willow and Spike were sobbing. But why does specifically Spike make me cry? Two reasons. First: Willow is known to be very sensitive, so it’s expected that she’d break down immediately and not need time to register that Buffy had died. She went instantly to grief. Spike is known to be sensitive as well, being a poet and often shedding a tear when Buffy rejects him. But this. Spike doesn’t do this. He doesn’t absolutely break. His body doesn’t heave and convulse with sobs and sorrow. The reason Spike reacted so violently leads into my second reason, a reason James Marsters himself has stated: Buffy wasn’t just a loved one; she was his only loved one. The only person he had. That’s why what I said earlier on comes into play: Spike expected to die alone or die with everyone. He never expected to be left alone in a world without Buffy. Never. 

“Be brave. Live. For me.”

The episode: “The Gift”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: As Buffy is preparing to sacrifice herself to save the world, she gives her little sister, Dawn, some final words of advice to live on with after she’s gone.

Why I cried: I think it’s safe to say that this scene is one of the most remembered scenes from Buffy. And rightfully so. The reason I found this scene to be tear-inducing isn’t because Buffy is leaving her little sister or even because she’s dying willingly not only to save the world but to save herself from life. The reason this scene is so powerful is because it speaks to everyone. It tells everyone that they can be strong and live in a world so prone to kicking us when we’re down. It tells us that we can all choose to be like Buffy–a warrior. So, when I watch this scene, Buffy is speaking to me. And hearing something like that come from one of my greatest heroes, that’s a dream come true.

Spike sees Buffy alive 

The episode: “After Life”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike storms into the Summers home, frantic to see if Dawn made it home safely. After scolding her for running off previously, Dawn draws his attention to a newly resurrected Buffy walking down the stairs. 

Why I cried: Two words to describe his expression: shocked and elated. It is so phenomenal the amount of emotion communicated through Spike’s eyes here. As soon as he sees her, you can see so many things pass over his face. Joy, disbelief, the effort not to cry, the urge to touch her, the need to be careful with her. All of that combined makes these few seconds something to talk about. No words, just…them.

“147 days yesterday. Uh, 148 today.”

The episode: “After Life”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Buffy asks Spike, who is examining her bloody hands, how long she had been gone for. Spike replies, “147 days yesterday. Uh, 148 today. Except today doesn’t count does it?”

Why I cried: Let’s just…he counted the days. He counted the days. Not weeks. Not months. Days. And the way he’s looking at her. His expression screams that he’s so happy to see her…but also that he’s not going to hurt her or push her. Which is the very first time this season that Spike does something for Buffy that no one else can or could. This man was so broken when he saw her lifeless body, and yet he’s able to compose himself enough to make sure Buffy is comfortable and safe. That’s love right there.

Spike blames Willow

The episode: “After Life”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: Spike corners Xander after a pointed comment about Spike returning to his days of stalking Buffy now that she was alive again. Spike expressed anger that no one told him about the plan to revive Buffy. Xander, unable to come up with a reason as to why they didn’t tell him, is baffled when Spike proposes that Willow kept it from him on purpose. Spike suggests that Willow knew Buffy could come back from the grave other than herself and they’d have to send her back. However, since Spike wouldn’t allow that to happen if any part of it was still Buffy, he guesses that Willow kept him in the dark to keep him from interfering in the case that Buffy’s reprieve was brief. 

Why I cried: This is a little moment, I understand. But the fact that it’s implied that Spike, of all people, wouldn’t allow the gang to get rid of a rabid Buffy, that’s pretty impactful. In fact, I would’ve guessed that Spike would be the one to opt for putting Buffy back in her grave, that he wouldn’t want Buffy to live and suffer. The shocking revelation that Spike wouldn't do just that is what rocked my emotions enough to include it on this list.

“Every night, I save you.”

The episode: “After Life”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Buffy visits Spike in his crypt, likely looking for a break from the Scoobies. After an attempt from Spike to make small talk, he sits down and begins telling her what it’s been like since she died. He tells her he blames himself for her death and that ever since that night, in his mind, he never stopped saving her. 

Why I cried: Aside from character deaths, I’d put this scene in a top 5 list for Buffy’s saddest moments. He reminds her that he never stopped protecting Dawn, but then he backtracks on that idea, talks about the night she died. The way he blames himself…he erases everything else and only sees that he should’ve died protecting Dawn so Buffy wouldn’t of had to jump. And then he tells her he did save her, like it’s a sure fact, before saying he didn’t save her when it counted but he has every night since. This part is so easy to imagine: Spike laying in bed at night, maybe thinking, maybe dreaming about doing something different. About finding some other way to save Buffy, about pretending the last 147 days didn’t happen. He loses himself in his explanation, finally assuring Buffy, “Every night, I save you.” 

Giles and Tara’s duet 

The episode: “Once More, With Feeling”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Willow and Giles share a song, both expressing the need (but not desire) leave the one person they love the most. Giles, singing as a father; Tara singing as a lover. Both grieving the future loss of a relationship they wish they didn’t have to let go.

Why I cried: This little tidbit of a song gets me every time. Individually, Giles and Tara singing about losing Buffy and Willow respectively is heartbreaking on its own–but together…they both have to leave but for separate reasons, they both don’t want to leave for separate reasons, they both recognize the ending of their separate relationships. The power in this song is how a father and a lover can sing about a daughter and partner, say the exact same thing, mean the exact same thing, but for completely different circumstances. 

“You have to go on living, so one of us is living.” 

The episode: “Once More, With Feeling”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: As Buffy is dancing, about to go up in flame, Spike catches her. He sings to her about life and tells her that, even though it’s hard, she has to keeping living because that’s the only way she’ll heal.

Why I cried: This is another moment where Spike seems to know just what to say. He’s simply telling Buffy to keep fighting, like she’s always done. He’s telling her that she has to live so at least one of them is living. It’s as close to selfless as we’ve seen from Spike thus far or will see from him until his soul. It’s all for Buffy.

Tara realizes the truth

The episode: “Tabula Rasa”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: Xander accidentally steps on the crystal used to facilitate the memory spell, thus breaking it. Tara, realizing Willow had again cast a spell to affect her memory, cries for the loss of their relationship.

Why I cried: It’s a very sudden moment, and that makes it harsher to watch. Willow had previously fallen on top of Tara and was still there when the spell was broken, so Tara shoved her off and stood up immediately. The jolt of the movement punctuated the possible finality of Willow and Tara. 

“Goodbye To You”

The episode: “Tabula Rasa”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: As Michelle Branch sings “Goodbye To You,” we see two endings and a beginning. Giles flies out for London and Tara leaves Willow. Simultaneously, Buffy and Spike indulge in each other for the second time. 

Why I cried: Let’s start with Giles. So, the saddest part about Giles’ portion of this moment is that he’s alone now. No more Buffy, no more magic shop, he’s totally alone. Dawn feels betrayed by the crumble of Willow and Tara’s relationship. Tara feels guilty about that, but she also feels sorrow for having no other choice but to leave. Willow feels remorse and pain. Meanwhile, Buffy seemingly turns Spike away after he tries to comfort her from the spell being broken, as she was slammed back into her life that she’d described before as “painful”–until she decides she wants him. And Spike gets to indulge in his need for her. Through all of these goodbyes, at least someone got the (albeit brief) happiness that they needed.

Willow’s breakdown

The episode: “Wrecked”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: After meeting with Rack, a black magic dealer, Willow crashes a vehicle with Dawn in the passenger seat. Dawn subsequently is nearly killed by a demon, saved just in time by Spike and Buffy. Spike takes Dawn home as Willow has a breakdown, exclaiming that she can’t stop using magic, that she ruined everything.

Why I cried: When you see a character, especially one you love, completely shatter in front of you, that has an impact. Willow was just so limp and weak in that moment, a moment where she admitted that she was wrong and that she needed help. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for her to come to that conclusion, how much the guilt of nearly killing Dawn was eating at her. And yet, in this moment of weakness, she asked Buffy for help. And that is the strongest thing she could’ve done.

“I could never be your girl.”

The episode: “Dead Things”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Johnathan, Warren, and Andrew devise a plan to frame Buffy for the accidental murder of Warren’s ex-girlfriend. After their plan was successful, Buffy planned to turn herself in. Spike, however, wasn’t going to let Buffy throw her life away because of an accident. She began hitting him as Spike egged her on, told her to put it all on him. When she did, he said, “That’s my girl.” To this, Buffy hit him faster and harder, screaming that she could never be his girl because he was a soulless, evil “thing.”

Why I cried: The first part of why this scene is so emotional is because Buffy is trying so hard to deny that she enjoys being with Spike. Combine that with the guilt from “killing” that girl, and Buffy’s portion of this scene is extremely intense. Now, for Spike’s. Seeing Spike get insulted and beat on and emotionally torn up, crushes me. Considering all he’d done in the past, yes, he deserved it. But considering that he was trying, he definitely didn’t deserve it. And even after all that, he still tried to keep her from going into that police station. And Buffy looked horrified when she took in what she’d done to Spike. “You always hurt the one you love, pet.”

Buffy confides in Tara

The episode: “Dead Things”

My rating: 3/5 

The moment: Buffy had previously asked Tara to test her and see if she’d come back from the grave wrong. When Tara confirmed that nothing was wrong with her, Buffy broke down, insisting that there must be for her to let Spike touch her. Tara assured her that it was alright and that she understood. Buffy, not wanting to be forgiven, laid her head in Tara’s lap and begged for Tara not to forgive her.

Why I cried: The small thing here is that Buffy and Tara’s relationship is being built up by this, which is the one positive thing. But, it’s just overwhelmingly sad that Buffy feels so horrible for being with Spike and increasingly more sad that she thinks she should be punished for it. Of course, there’s more in her that’s broken aside from her attraction to Spike, but the sheer shame in her eyes is completely heartbreaking.

“You glow.”

The episode: “Hell’s Bells”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: Spike and Buffy attempt to be civil after their break-up. Spike tells Buffy that it’s nice to see her happy, even if it isn’t with him, because he doesn’t get to see it a lot. He tells her she glows, and then she does.

Why I cried: The thing that kept running through my mind during this scene was that if they had simply treated each other like this before, they would’ve been beautiful together.

Xander leaves Anya at the altar 

The episode: “Hell’s Bells”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Xander, afraid of ending up like the man in his falsified vision or even like his parents, leaves Anya at the altar on their wedding day. 

Why I cried: Anya was supposed to be the one to leave. Anya was supposed to be the scared partner, afraid of getting hurt. Instead, Xander was the one to leave. Because he was afraid of hurting her. Unfortunately, both Xander and Anya did or got exactly what they didn’t want. 

Xander and Buffy catch Anya and Spike

The episode: “Entropy”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Due to a camera put in the Magic Box by the Trio, Xander and Buffy see Spike and Anya having sex. Xander, determined to kill Spike, is chased down by Buffy who stops him. Xander and Anya argue about Xander’s choice to leave Anya at the altar. Xander says he can’t look at her anymore because she’s been with Spike. It’s at this moment that Spike reveals his previous involvement with Buffy, causing a rift between all four of them.

Why I cried: It’s just one of those scenes that all you can do is sit back and watch as it all crumbles in front of you. You want to agree with Buffy and Xander because they’re the traditional “good guys,” but they are the ones who left Anya and Spike out in the cold. A lot of conflicting emotions for the viewer.

Spike attempts to rape Buffy

The episode: “Seeing Red”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike goes to apologize to Buffy for hurting her because of his encounter with Anya. Buffy tells him that, although she has feelings for him, it isn’t love. This is misconstrued by Spike, leading to an attempted rape that is quickly derailed by Buffy kicking Spike off.

Why I cried: I could go on about this scene. The very first time I watched this, I didn’t cry. I didn’t do anything. I just sat there, completely frozen. I felt helpless, hopeless. I couldn’t stop what was happening, I couldn’t look away. I understood fully and entirely what was going on in this scene, what the point was. I knew that Spike instantly regretted what he did, that he didn’t even register until afterwards what it was that he’d almost done. I knew Buffy knew that too. But all I could think was, “This is it. This is how Spike and Buffy’s story ends.” And it just saddened me so much. It made me so empty to think that this was how the greatest love story I’d ever seen before got it’s end. I just felt like the world drained away and all that was left was hopelessness. I remember I had to shut off my computer afterwards and sit in silence for hours, not moving, not thinking, just hurting. And then the tears came. Because of all that I mentioned above, it all hit me and once and I broke. I couldn’t and, really still can’t, touch that scene. To this day, it just brings back the feeling that nothing matters and hope is lost.

Tara dies  

The episode: “Villains”

My rating: 5/5

The moment: After Tara is shot and killed by Warren, Willow weeps over her body.

Why I cried: It’s Tara. It’s Tara and it’s Willow and it’s not fair. It’s not fair that they only got to be happy again for a moment before it was all ripped away. It isn’t fair that Willow has to feel pain like that. It’s just not fair.

Yellow crayon

The episode: “Grave”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Xander goes to Willow, who is bent on destroying the world. He tells her that if she plans on destroying the world, he’s going with her. He repeats that he loves her, angering her at first, but eventually getting through to her as he tells her one last time.

Why I cried: It’s just a very powerful moment coming from Xander. After all both of them have been through: losing their loves together (whether that be Cordy and Oz or Anya and Tara), growing up together, staying together through all the pain. Of all the relationships on the show, Xander and Willow have got to have the strongest one. 

Willow cries in Xander’s arms 

The episode: “Grave”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: After talking her down, Xander is finally able to embrace Willow as she comes back to herself.

Why I cried: He did it. Xander saved the world. Xander, the guy who always considers himself useless. He saved the world. And he saved Willow. How amazing is he? 

The church scene

The episode: “Beneath You”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike reveals to Buffy that he got his soul back. He first tells her that his soul has been torturing him ever since he got it back, that he doesn’t blame her for not loving him, that he feels terribly for trying to hurt her. He then asks why everything isn’t fixed, confused by the fact that his soul is causing more trouble than it is fixing him. He then rests on a cross, burning himself as Buffy watches in the distance.

Why I cried: The whole scene, Spike is saying seemingly nonsensical things that all add up to him telling Buffy about how miserable he’s been since he got his soul back. Knowing the pain he went through to get his soul in the first place and that he’s in pain still is enough to tear anyone up. But my pain comes when Spike says he wasn’t a good man–or rather, a man at all–before he got his soul. That moment when his voice breaks and he tells Buffy he got his soul for her so that he could be worthy of being. And then he lays himself on the cross, a symbol for the fact that he’s still a monster, still worthy of pain and unworthy of love. And Buffy looks to be a combination of horrified and guilty as she stares on at this man that went through Hell for her and can’t find his way back.

“Stay here, and help me be quiet.”

The episode: “Help”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Buffy comes down the basement to ask Spike for his help in saving a girl that is meant to die on that day. She asks Spike if there is any evil in the basement, and he identifies himself as the evil because he hurt Buffy. Once Buffy realizes he has nothing useful for her, she begins to walk away. Spike calls after her and asks her to stay with him to help him be quiet. Buffy replies that it’s worse when she’s there and walks away.

Why I cried: Spike just looks so beaten. When Buffy speaks to him, he uses her voice to ground him and keep him in reality. You can see him trying to think, trying to stay there in the moment. Trying to understand what she’s asking of him. And he says that he’s paying (with the pain from his soul) because he hurt Buffy. He doesn’t want to hurt the girl. Finally, as Buffy walks away from him, he pleads with her to stay there, to help him keep the voices out. She denies his plea and leaves him sitting alone.

“It’s still all about you.”

The episode: “Sleeper”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy accuses Spike of killing the girl he went out with the night before. Spike tells her he couldn’t have, because he got his soul. Furthermore, he’s offended that she thinks he would go to the trouble of getting his soul back just to kill again. He tells her he does go out and talk to women, but only because he can’t talk to her. Spike continues, saying that, unlike the chip, the soul he got on his own, for her. As Buffy’s telling him she knows that, Spike says that he only passes time with other women because at the end of the day, it’s still all about her.

Why I cried: Spike is trying so hard here to make her believe that he’d really, undeniably changed. And he looks so hurt that she really thinks he’d kill someone after all he went through to be better. More than that, he’s so terrified that somehow he did do it. Because he doesn’t want to be the bad man anymore. This whole scene is just pure emotion.

“Do it fast, okay?”

The episode: “Sleeper”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike asks Buffy to kill him in this scene. He mentions that “He” said she would do it, prompting Buffy to ask him what he remembered about the killings. Spike, upon saying that he doesn’t remember anything, begs to forget what he’d done. Buffy tells him that something mystical has been messing with him, to which Spike responds by asking her to help him, and Buffy agrees.

Why I cried: He looks so small. That’s not something we’re used to seeing. This big, bad, 100+ year old vampire is cowering in the corner, begging for death by the hands of the Slayer. And the way his voice breaks when he asks Buffy, “Do it fast, okay?” just breaks my heart. All he wants to do is stop the pain, whether that means ending his life or forgetting it ever happened. 

“I believe in you, Spike.”

The episode: “Never Leave Me”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Spike insists that Buffy kill him before he can hurt anyone else because of the First. Buffy assures him that if he hadn’t really changed, he’d already be dead. She tells him that he fought every evil instinct he had to be the good man standing in front of her. Right before the Bringers break in and kidnap Spike, Buffy looks at him and tells him she believes in him.

Why I cried: During this scene, all I think about is how much they’ve grown, namely Buffy. I think about all the negative feelings she had towards Spike, how she realized that she didn’t need to feel those things anymore. She let go of the hate she had for him and instead put faith where hate had previously resided. Faith for Spike. That’s a damn big change. Just the way Spike looks back at her… He is totally and completely surprised by what she’s said. It’s hard to put that into words, but he’s so taken aback by the fact that she believes in him. In my opinion, it isn’t, “You believe in me?” It’s, “You really believe in me?” That’s what makes it magnificent. 

Spike resists the First

The episode: “Bring on the Night”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: The First interrogates and tortures Spike, who refuses to give over to whatever the First has planned. The First challenges him, asks him why he thinks he’ll be any good at all in the world as something other than evil. Spike simply says, “She does. Because she believes in me.”

Why I cried: So, for one, resisting the most powerful force of evil ever is hard enough, especially since Spike, as a vampire, is supposed to be evil by nature. But Spike isn’t resisting because the First hurt him. He isn’t resisting because he wants to be a good man. He’s resisting because Buffy believes he can be a good man. And that’s enough. 

Buffy saves Spike

The episode: “Showtime”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike, becoming doubtful that Buffy would risk her life to save him, looks up to see her standing in front of him with a knife in her hand. Sure that it’s the First playing with his emotions again, he insists she’s not real. Buffy, without a word, cuts him free of his bonds. They look at each other, relieved, and walk out of the cave, free.

Why I cried: Look at his face. He was so scared that Buffy wouldn’t come for him, even though he’d tried to convince himself that she would. When she does come for him, he just looks so happy. Almost in awe of her and his love for her and his elation at seeing her and knowing she cared for him enough to save him. And Buffy. I think upon seeing Spike that joyful, she got overwhelmed herself. Almost assuring him with her eyes that, “I’m here,” but also feeling that heavy emotion with him. All together, a peaceful and beautiful scene.

“I’m not ready for you to not be here.”

The episode: “First Date”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Spike suggests that he leave town in the case that the First wasn’t done using him yet. Buffy tells him he’s not going to leave. Misunderstanding, Spike tells her that with Wood around, she won’t need him in the final fight. But Buffy corrects him and tells him that’s not why she needs him to stay. Spike asks her what her reasoning is and she says, “’Cause I’m not ready for you to not be here.”

Why I cried: Let’s talk Spike first. He looks as though he’s discovered for the first time that Buffy feels something more for him. And I think it confuses him. Buffy doesn’t just disregard the idea that she only needs Spike for the fight, she doesn’t even make that a possibility. She could’ve said she needed him for the fight as well, but also because she just needed him. But instead she implies that the only reason he has to stay is because she needs him. That is…wow.

Andrew closes the Hellmouth 

The episode: “Storyteller”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: Buffy tells Andrew that, unlike other people’s blood, his will close the Hellmouth rather than open it. Andrew fears that Buffy is going to kill him, and Buffy makes him see how horrible it was that he’d killed Johnathan. She holds him over the Hellmouth as he cries, and as his tears hit the Hellmouth’s opening, it closes. 

Why I cried: Andrew’s redemption arc was something that I took very well and appreciated. Knowing the First’s affect on people can shed some light onto why Andrew would’ve killed Johnathan, no matter how bad of a decision it was. So, seeing him repent like this is hard. At the same time, you can see Buffy feels a little bad for causing him pain, even though she was mostly only doing it to close the portal to the Hellmouth. It’s also the first real time we see Andrew gain any acceptance from Buffy. It’s very touching.

Buffy gets kicked out

The episode: “Empty Places”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: The potentials, Buffy’s friends, and fellow Slayer, Faith decide to vote Buffy out of her leadership role. They state that she’s too reckless and controlling and that they’d much rather be under Faith’s command (much to Faith’s dismay). Buffy then leaves with one last plea for Faith to protect them.

Why I cried: Here’s the thing, it’s hard to watch because everybody in this scene is right. Buffy is right about the vineyard holding something important to their battle. The group is right that she’s been too brash and bossy about her decision making. Buffy is wrong in assuming that her opinion is the only one that matters, and the group is wrong to throw her out of her house. Just knowing that there’s a better solution to this situation makes it horrible to watch.

Spike gives Buffy strength

The episode: “Touched”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Spike finds Buffy in an abandoned house, saddened by the realization that she had lost herself in her journey as Slayer. As a part of Buffy confiding in Spike, she mentions that he only wanted her because she was unattainable. This prompts Spike to sit her down and tell her why it is he loves her, giving Buffy back the confidence that she needs to finish the fight.

Why I cried: All this scene is, is Spike totally and utterly being there for Buffy. He’s not doing it for selfish reasons. He’s not doing it as a backdoor way to tell her yet again that he loves her. He’s only saying these things to Buffy for Buffy. He only wants for her to see herself the way he does, the way many do. And, for the first time, he tells her why he loves her, not just that he does. Which is something I don’t think he could articulate before his soul. And Buffy is just so touched by what he’s saying, she’s washed away by this man sitting in front of her. There’s nothing better.

Spike holds Buffy

The episode: “Touched”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: As Spike prepares to sleep either in another room or on a chair in the same room as Buffy, she calls to him and asks him to hold her. The two spend the night together in each other’s arms.

Why I cried: It’s just lovely, isn’t it? To see them be intimate? Especially amidst every other character in this montage making love. Spike and Buffy had their turn to be physical, now they get the chance to just be with each other. Spike goes to Buffy with no hesitation after she asks him to hold her, at first prepared to do whatever made her comfortable. It’s another moment where Spike removes himself from the situation, only there to be there for Buffy. Absolutely lovely.

“Terrified.” 

The episode: “End of Days”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy asks Spike how he felt about the night before, the night they spent together. He tells her he’s terrified. He says that the night before was the best night of his life. Buffy tells him she was there with him just before the two decide to leave the rest of this discussion until after they “go be heroes.” 

Why I cried: Goodness, where do I start? Both of them are afraid the previous night didn’t mean as much to the other as it did to them. Buffy finally decides that she wants to lay out her feelings for Spike and know his feelings for her. Spike is terrified that he loves her so much, that he might lose her, that she may not want him. And when Buffy tells him she was completely in that moment with him…oh my God, Spike’s face. He’s just so hopeful. After all the Hell they’ve both been through, they find hope in each other.

Buffy calls Spike a champion

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy comes home, after her talk with Angel, with an amulet that is meant to be worn by a champion to save the world. The champion is meant to have a soul but be more than human, so Spike tells Buffy that if Angel wasn’t staying to wear it, then he should instead. Buffy tells him that it’s meant to be worn by a champion, and Spike’s expression falls just before Buffy steps forward and places it in his hand.

Why I cried: Buffy set that up on purpose specifically to show Spike how deeply she felt about him and to make him happy. You can see in her eyes that she’s trying to convey the way she feels, and Spike glows when she implies that he is a champion. This little moment between them is breathtaking. 

Buffy and Spike spend their last night together

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike and Buffy look at each other fondly before spending the night–what they assume to be their last night alive–together.

Why I cried: All together, these silent few moments mean so much. They could’ve spent their last night with anyone, but they decided to spend it with each other. That alone shows how much they mean to one another. A happy moment to preface the end of their story on Buffy.

Anya dies

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: In her heroic effort to save Andrew’s life, Anya sacrifices her own.

Why I cried: Anya finally got to be brave. She wasn’t running away anymore, she took her stand and became a warrior. It’s a bittersweet goodbye knowing that she and Xander could’ve come together again, but in the end, Anya died a hero.

Spike and Buffy’s goodbye

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: As Spike’s amulet activates, Buffy rushes over to him. Spike tells her he’s staying behind to finish the job, and Buffy grabs his hand, igniting a flame. Buffy then says a long awaited, “I love you.” Spike responds, “No you don’t, but thanks for saying it.” 

Why I cried: Why did I cry? I cried because Buffy loved him as soon as their hand’s clasped. I cried because Spike didn’t believe her. I cried because they’d come so far just to lose each other. I cried because within this tragic moment, this made me happier than anything. I cried because it’s Spike and Buffy.

Spike dies

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 5/5

The moment: Spike sacrifices himself to save the world.

Why I cried: I was in denial that he was dead up until the end. I couldn’t believe it. Spike’s journey is the single most amazing thing ever to be shown, not just on Buffy, but anywhere. In his final moments, he gets to be a good man–a champion. Spike isn’t just a secondary character. He isn’t just someone Buffy had a relationship with. Spike became so important to the show and to its viewers that he got to save the world in the biggest, baddest final battle. And he didn’t just save the world, he saved himself. And he saved Buffy. He saved his world, and that was enough to give him peace in this final moment. 

“That’s my girl.”

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Andrew tells Xander what happened with Anya, that she died saving his life. Xander bears a sad smile as he says, “That’s my girl.”

Why I cried: Xander didn’t get angry or cry or break down. He was just proud. And even with all the pain Xander and Anya caused each other, she never stopped being his girl.

“Spike.”

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Buffy reunites with the gang, and Giles asks what caused the massive destruction left behind after the Hellmouth was destroyed. Buffy simply replies, “Spike.”

Why I cried: Spike deserved to be the last word said from Buffy’s mouth. And, much like Xander’s reaction to Anya’s death, Buffy looks to be a combination of sad and proud. So proud that Spike saved them all in the end, even if she had to lose him.

The End

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Buffy looks on at the remains (or lack thereof) of Sunnydale, her home, destroyed. But, as the gang asks what they do now that the battle is over, Buffy smiles, excited for this end and for another beginning.

Why I cried: Because this is the end. It’s that feeling of punctuation, of finality. You reflect on all that has happened before this point and all it’s done for you. And then you realize that it’s over. But at the same time, you know that nothing ever really ends. 

Okay, I hope you enjoyed this depressingly wonderful post, and I hope I made you cry. Honestly, I do. In all seriousness, it’s everything about this show, not just its sad moments, that made me (and so many others) better than we were. I’ll always look to Buffy because, even in its tragedies, it makes me stronger.

Soulmates - Tommy Shelby

I just read the ask about soulmates au and I WANT ONE WITH TOMMY. Idk how, but I trust you to make me cry over my most loved au of all times with the man I love most. Thank you @danyodonoghues

Soulmates - Tommy Shelby

The first one had disappeared while he was in France. Underground, crouched in a tunnel with Freddie and Danny, dirty and scared as he waited for the signal. He had glanced down to his wrist for reassurance, the same subconscious action he’d taken every day he’d been in France, only to find the mark gone. It was a small scar that had appeared out of nowhere that he knew must’ve belonged to his soulmate. That was his only explanation for the otherwise unexplained scar that etched itself into his skin overnight. But then he was down in the tunnel, muted sounds clogging his ears, and his only hope of staying sane was that little scar.

Keep reading

Fanfiction Appreciation Post: Haikyuu!! (KageHina)

I am super grateful for all the wonderful people who put all their hard work into writing fanfiction beautifully. So, since Fandom Fic Rec Days are coming soon, I’m going to make a couple of posts dedicated to my favorite fanfics! I have too many in Haikyuu!!, so there are subsets based on the main relationship in the fic. Enjoy!

Works

sometimes your heart will ache but that doesn’t mean you’re weak by takokun (G; 6.6k; English; Complete)

When Kageyama wakes up he finds tears on his pillow.

Disclaimer: This is endgame HinaYachi, but honestly the KageHina portrayal requires this fic to be in this post too. 

Comments: I NEVER thought I would have one favorite fanfic in all the fanfiction I have read, but this is IT. Every now and then I go back and read it again, and it still makes me feel the way I felt the first time I read it. I cry throughout the whole story now, but honestly, I’m so glad this exists. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

Painting With Words by iwillstillopenthewindow (@iwillstillopenthewindow(G; 5.1k; English; Complete)

Hinata just can’t seem to write anything these days, until he gets an invitation to an art exhibit.

Comments: I have no words for this one. It’s just such a wonderful piece of art. In fact, the whole series is awesome, if you choose to read it.

and i would say i love you but saying it out loud is hard by calliopinaround (@calliopin-around(T; 1.6k; English; Complete)

No matter how hard he tries, Kageyama thinks, he always ends up like this.

Comments: Just… the simplicity in getting together. I love it when ordinary antics and moments lead to extraordinary developments. 

you’re the wings on my back, and together we conquer the sky by earlgrey_milktea (@puddingcatbae(G; 5.1k; English; Complete)

“Oi. Your turn to make dinner.”
“No, it’s your turn.”
“No way, I made it last night. Remember? We had ramen.”
“Instant ramen. Which doesn’t even count as cooking.”
“I did it in a pot on the stove, so it does count.“
or, kagehina in their twenties;
adulting is an everyday adventure when you’ve got your best friend right there next to you.

Comments: I read this right after I got into a QPR myself (and I got my lovely QPP to read it too), and it just blew my mind. The realistic portrayal, on-point characterization and relationship development, amazing. 

Count by someonestolemyshoes (@someone-stole-my-shoes(G; 5k; English; Complete)

Kageyama’s first kiss was with a volleyball.

He was six, and the smooth, cool leather stung where it smacked to his mouth. It tasted like dirt, like dust and gym shoes and a little bit like sweat, too, and it stole the breath from his lungs and took his two front teeth away with it.

It…probably doesn’t count as a kiss, honestly, because balls don’t even have lips to kiss with, but it made him fall in love with volleyball the way real kisses make boys fall in love with girls on the playground, so Kageyama thinks it’s probably good enough.

It didn’t matter that it hurt - that it bled, bust his nose and ripped his gums and stained his mouth in red and blue and purple - what mattered was that it was his first kiss, his best kiss, and nothing was ever, ever going to change that.

His second kiss is with Hinata.

Comments: I don’t even know why or how I came to like this one, but I do. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I counted the kisses I received just like Kageyama does here.

Series

love and victory by bigspoonnoya (2 works; 36k; English; Complete)

Comments: This entire series just… gave me the feels so bad. Gosh, if you ever need lots of angst but also happy tears and you like the college AU and have enough time on your hands to read a ton, this series is for you. Actually, even if you don’t have time, this series is worth all the procrastination in the world. (Be sure to check the warnings on each work first; I haven’t put them up here.)

This list is in no way complete. These are just a handful of the several fics that have given me the feels, warmed my heart, made me melt, brightened my day, and/or inspired me. Even if those fics aren’t up here, I really appreciate the hard work of all those writers.

Stay tuned for appreciation posts of fics with other Haikyuu!! pairings, and for appreciation posts of fics for other fandoms!

For KuroTsuki fic recs, go here!

For poly ship fic recs, go here!

For TsukkiYama fic recs, go here!

For a masterpost of my fic recs, go here!