it made me dizzy

anonymous asked:

Seokjin's cherry lips and Hoseok's forehead made me dizzy. What a beautiful day to live.

Jin’s cherry lips

Originally posted by myjaebutt

Namjoon’s sexy dimples

Originally posted by suga-mon

Jhope’s flawless forehead

Originally posted by myjaebutt

THE best booty; THE Jibooty

Originally posted by ofhairandthighs

V’s rude collarbones

Originally posted by mysteriousarmy

Jungkook’s muscular thighs

Originally posted by btshada

And the most powerful one: THE tongue technology maker

Originally posted by minyoonggi

These were the 7 deadly sins of Bangtan

10 Things I needed after Top Surgery

1. A place to stay and someone to stay with.  Seriously, recovery is not something you can do on your own.  If you know a nurse who is willing to hang out with you it makes life 10X easier because they are used to seeing blood and helping people and cleaning up messes.  My friend even helped me wash my hair over his kitchen sink and changed my dressings for me.  No reaching, no stretching, no bending over, it’s great.

2. Something soft and comforting.  The pain meds made me woozy and a little emotional.  I couldn’t control when I slept, when I was awake, I couldn’t even keep my eyes open sometimes.  I lost track of time, started conversations I didn’t remember, etc.  Having something around that was constant like a specific blanket, a drink you like, a tv show you can binge on that you’ve watched before (you’ll fall asleep and no remember what happened), helped make me feel more stable.  I chose a blanket and pillow that I particularly like.  And have some Arizona tea always around.

3. Bendy Straws.  This is pretty common but they’re really a life saver.  I didn’t have to pick my arms up for anything really. 

4. Something to keep toilet paper closer to the toilet in the bathroom.  Whether this is a cheap toilet paper rack or even a small bucket or stool, I had issues reaching the toilet paper roll because it was either too far in front of me or on the wall behind me.  Consider where the toilet paper is in your bathroom and make adjustments if you need to.  

5. Glass cleaning cloth.  With how much I fell asleep and woke up, my glasses were constantly on and off my face, falling on the floor, and of course I had to pick them up with my toes if I was alone because I couldn’t bend them over.  At some point I was ready to safety pin a cloth to my surgery binder so I didn’t have to keep asking for one when I couldn’t see through all the smudges.  This is also helpful for computer screens and phone screens especially if you aren’t wearing normal clothing like a soft tshirt or jacket.

6. Easy access medications.  If your meds come with child locks on them, you might not be able to open them.  Find a jar or something with a really easy access lid - something that screws off with you having to push buttons or pop anything - and LABEL things according to what you use them for.  Pain meds really clogged my thoughts so seeing words like “OW” and “BLEH” on the top of bottles helped me distinguish which med was for pain and which med was for nausea.  Have fun with this one.

7. A pillow that won’t run away.  If you’re sleeping in a bed, try body pillows around you.  If you’re sleeping on a couch, make sure it’s not a couch that will swallow you between the cushions.  I spent most of my time in a recliner with a travel pillow around my neck.

8. Meditation music or something quiet.  After the first 12-24 hours I found myself holding my shoulders up trying to reduce the pain on my incisions which caused a lot of tension in my back, neck, and shoulders.  At some points they were more painful than the incisions.  Take some time to really meditate and relax your muscles or the tightness will impact everything around you - pain levels, mood, etc.  

9. Easy access snacks.  I love clementines so we found some that were easy to peel.  Chip bags that are small and easy to handle are nice too.  Light plates, bowls, plastic cups, things that don’t require a lot of coordination work well because it’s hard to get situated and then have to reach for a ton of things.  Eat food that only requires one utensil.  Etc.

10. Short Walks.  March in Michigan is cold, so we went to stores to get one or two things, I leaned over a cart and hobbled through.  It made me dizzy and painful, it sucked most of the time, but once I sat down and relaxed I felt so much better than pre-walk.  I wasn’t fidgety anymore, I felt like I could actually sit still and let myself heal rather than getting up every 10 minutes or asking for water or reading a book or scratching or painting my nails.  I slept better after walks, I ate better after walks, and I felt more emotionally stable after walks.  

Okay, those are my top 10 things.  I’m sure there are others depending on your situation.  Some people recommend cough drops for your sore throat after anesthesia, I didn’t experience this.  I also experienced a little more draining than a lot of guys do and thus needed some extra gauze and bandages.  Long phone chargers, comfy slippers, and loose-fitting clothes are often recommended too.  I used my regular 6ft charger, had some slippers but mostly only wore them when my feet were cold, and I wore shorts and my surgery binder for most of the week after because it was easier to regulate my temperature with blankets than take clothes on and off.  

If you have any questions feel free to message me.

Jaws - Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Bucky accidentally punches you in the face during a training session, which somehow leads to your first kiss and the promise of a date.

Warnings: Kissing.

Words: 1 328

A/N: Very boring drabble that is kinda similar to Lift in terms of the layout. Tell me what you think and please request!


Originally posted by you-didnt-see-that-cuming

She ducked under his punch, getting back up just as quickly and trying to elbow his chest. He grabbed hold of her joint and pushed her back. As she came rushing back in for a straight punch to his face, his metal hand flew right to her jaw.

She staggered back before falling to her knees. Her hair fell in front of her face and a few strands stuck to her glistening forehead, a long groan escaping her.

“Oh fuck, Y/N. I’m so sorry!” Bucky panicked, surprised as he thought she would have been able to see through his techniques as always and dodged his incoming attack.

He rushed to her side and knelt beside her, wrapping his arm around her back and using his free hand to remove the hair from her face. She whined in pain, trying to force a smile to not make him feel so bad but not being able to. “Okay, that one hurts… I’m not gonna lie.”

“Shit, I’m so sorry.” He carefully tilted her head to get better lightning on her jaw which was red, bruising and already swollen. “Fuck. That’s bad.”

“I don’t know if it’s anything serious, but I can taste blood?” She looked up at him. “Maybe that’s just normal. Also, my left ear is ringing, or it might be my entire head actually, I can’t tell the difference right now.”

Bucky kept repeatedly mumbling curses as he softly placed his bionic hand over the bruise. She winced in pain at first but the cooling of the metal was better than not having it there at all.

“Remind me to wear a hockey helmet for our next training session or something…” She began to push herself up from the floor. Bucky tried to help her by continuing to hold his arm around her back, which turned out to be very helpful.

“Woah!” He exclaimed as she almost fell forward, his grip of her tightening and keeping her on her feet. “You okay?”

“I just got punched in the face with a hand that’s literally made out of metal. Pardon me if I’m a little dizzy.” She chuckled, her voice strained from the pain radiating up her jaw and numbing the area around it. She turned to face Bucky, her hand carefully touching the swollen bump. “Does it look bad?”


“No.” He lied. “It looks alright.”

“Liar.” She could see straight through him, of course. She always could. “Oh man, and Tony’s birthday party is this weekend.”

“That’s five days away.” Bucky tried to remain hopeful.

She looked over at him, her eyes hooded and her eyebrows raised high, circulating the area where he had punched her. “By the sheer agony I’m in right now, I can tell this isn’t going to go away in five days.”

“I’m sorry…” He pleaded and she dropped her sarcastic attitude, feeling bad for the poor guy.

“I know you are. It’s okay. I’ve had worse. Remember when I got shot in the damn hand in Serbia? When I had to drive the car to the hospital with that hand, the gear lever nearly went through the bullet hole.”

He chuckled after seeing her smile at the brutal recall of a mission two years prior.

“Or when you went two weeks in pain because you thought your body was “healing slowly”, when in reality you had a completely broken arm?” He remembered and she nodded, quietly chuckling before suddenly closing her eyes, grabbing his hand. She pulled it towards her jaw and held it still over, leaning into it whilst still not looking.

Bucky watched in admiration as she dozed off for a few seconds in the comfort of his touch.

“Alright. I’m gonna call this a day. It’s getting late, I think. You must have punched my sense of time out of me.” She smiled and broke loose from him, heading for the gym door slowly.

“Maybe sleeping isn’t that good of an idea? You could have a concussion!” He warned, worried about her health truthfully.

“Don’t think so highly of yourself.” She joked, making it seem as if giving her a concussion had been something Bucky had strived for. He wanted to oblige and take her to Bruce, or anyone else that might be awake at two in the morning and have the skill to properly help her. “So goodnight, or good morning, or whatever.”

The door slammed shut behind her, leaving Bucky alone in the gym, feeling more guilty than ever.

He was sat at the kitchen table, eating the scrambled eggs which surprisingly enough, Vision had cooked. Steve sat across Bucky, Peter beside Steve, and Tony and Natasha on both short ends when Y/N came sulking down.

“Good morning- Jesus Christ.” Steve gasped as he got a look of her. “What happened to your face?”

The entire left side of her jaw was covered in a rich, purple bruise. As she smiled, she clearly did so more on the right side than the other. “Why don’t you ask Mr. I-Have-A-Metal-Arm?” She said, pointing to a Bucky.

“I’m so sorry.” Bucky repeated and she tried to smile wider but winced, letting it fall back.

“I know, Buck. Heard you the first, hundred, times.” She attempted to reassure him although it had little effect. “You better buy me something amazing to cover this up tho.”

“I don’t think anything can cover that up. That’s brutal.” Natasha said, her nose scrunching up in slight disgust at the vicious color of Y/N’s jaw.

“Thanks.” Y/N sighed, rolling her eyes, and taking a seat by the table. Vision left the stove and came to her aid with a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon. “And an honest thank you to you, Vis.”

“You want some ice for that?” Tony tried to help as Y/N grabbed the chilled glass of orange juice in front of her and held it against her jaw. She shook her head subtly and shut her tired eyes, propping her elbows on the table and leaning her head against her free hand.

“I’m good.” She said and pulled herself together, opening her eyes widely to wake up and taking a sip of the orange juice already by her mouth. “I’ll avoid training sessions with Bucky for awhile though.”

“I’m s-”

“Cut it. I’m alive, aren’t I? Still breathing. Heart’s still pumping.” She said and shoved a fork full of bacon in her mouth. The breakfast carried on, following up with an overly large glass of chocolate milk on Y/N’s part. They all chatted, bickering as usual, before everyone retreated to their own corner of the Tower  to continue their days separately.

As Y/N made it to her room, there were two knocks on the door. She didn’t have to guess who it was. She knew it was Bucky and she knew he would try to apologize once more.

She pulled the door open and barely had time to confirm it was him before a pair of soft lips crashed upon hers. She staggered backwards and Bucky broke loose, eyes blown wide. “Let me take you out to dinner, as an apology for punching you.”

“And you had to kiss me to ask me out!?” She questioned, out of breath. Bucky shrugged.“

“No, I just wanted to.” He said like it was the most normal thing in the world to walk around kissing.

“Well damn…” She closed the space again and savored another kiss, sighing in relief. She tried to not cause herself too much pain, letting him do most of the moving.


“Don’t you dare say that word one more time or I swear to god I’ll punch your jaw.” She threatened and he chuckled, lips hovering in front of hers.

“It wouldn’t leave as much as a scratch.” His lips curled around hers, tasting the sweetness lingering to them.

“You’re so cocky, you know that? It’s tiring.”

i. i used to color my rainbows only in six colors and the sun and ripe mangoes and bananas orange when i was in kindergarten and my teacher never believed me when i said that it was because the color yellow made me feel dizzy.
ii. when i was sixteen i met a girl in a bright yellow sweater and i remember how i felt like i was going to throw up–it is the yellow sweater, it is, it is, i kept telling myself as she grabbed my hand as we ran up the escalator and got excited about the christmas lights and i almost forgot about the bright yellow sweater because it was the first time another girl held my hand and it felt like a crime, like a winter storm in my palm.
iii. i have had kissed a few other girls and am now more comfortable in my skin and it was only this year i learned what synesthesia means. i still hate the color yellow but eight years after, when the city is dressed in wonderful lights and the snow begins to fall, somehow i still wish to hold hands again with the girl in the bright yellow sweater.
—  kabalintunaan // and maybe this time it would feel like home is in my hands



“Jᴏɪɴ ᴜs ʙʀᴏᴛʜᴇʀs ᴀɴᴅ sɪsᴛᴇʀs. Jᴏɪɴ ᴜs ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ sʜᴀᴅᴏᴡs ᴡʜᴇʀᴇ ᴡᴇ sᴛᴀɴᴅ ᴠɪɢɪʟᴀɴᴛ. Jᴏɪɴ ᴜs ᴀs ᴡᴇ ᴄᴀʀʀʏ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴜᴛʏ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴄᴀɴɴᴏᴛ ʙᴇ ғᴏʀsᴡᴏʀɴ. Aɴᴅ sʜᴏᴜʟᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘᴇʀɪsʜ, ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ sᴀᴄʀɪғɪᴄᴇ ᴡɪʟʟ ɴᴏᴛ ʙᴇ ғᴏʀɢᴏᴛᴛᴇɴ. Aɴᴅ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴏɴᴇ ᴅᴀʏ, ᴡᴇ sʜᴀʟʟ ᴊᴏɪɴ ʏᴏᴜ.”

Hard At Work


Request - Can I have a Harry hook imagines where he goes to Aurodon with Uma & Gil and becomes like really shy and is like an sbo. Reader is really shy and doesn’t think he knows she exists (and thinks he likes Uma who is also really popular) but he’s been like in love with her since he first got there. Thank you so much your writing is my goals
Requested by - Anon
Tags - None
Word Count - 1, 708
Pairing - Harry Hook x Reader (Daughter of Snow White)
Warnings - Nope
Summary - I think I did this wrong because I made the reader the sbo, also I assumed sbo meant small business owner..You are best friends and share a business with Tiana and Naveen’s daughter, Tina. You like to keep to yourself mostly and don’t know how to talk to people. You think your life is perfect until he comes. Also, Will do a part 2 (The Date) upon request

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Heaven and Hell

Originally posted by frozen-delight

Demon Dean x Female Reader

An angel and a demon meet in a bar on Halloween, leading to a one night stand neither would ever forget.

Warnings: NSFW Mature content. Explicit Smut. Rough sex, spanking, oral sex, dom!Demon Dean. One night stand. Dirty talk, so many f-bombs. Alcohol. Roleplay. Demon!Dean being pure sex. I threw in a little bit of plot with this porn. WC: 2689 On AO3

A/N: This is for @sparklingcas Kinky Halloween Challenge. Prompt was rough sex in an angel costume with Demon Dean. This is also for Demon Dean Appreciation Day hosted by @butiaintgonnaloveem and @kayteonline. Thanks to my awesome beta @andromytta.  Happy Halloween! 

The pulsing beats of Top 40 met my girlfriends and I as we sauntered through the doors of our favorite bar. It was packed full of people dressed in a variety of costumes, including multiple versions of Negan, Wonder Woman, and Pennywise. Our group found a booth and I offered to go order the first round of drinks.

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Teenage Feysand

I saw the post about how 17 year old Rhysand would react to 17 year old Feyre. It’s my first fic so it is probably shit, but I just had to write it. 

Description: 17 y/o Feyre comes into the Illyrian camp that 17 y/o Rhysand and his mother are living in. All 17 y/o Illyrian males want to do is fuck and fight, and Rhysand is no exception, but darling Feyre won’t accept his advances.

I had had my fair share of good romps in the 17 years I’d been in the world, and it turns out that not many girls can resist the son of the High lord. Or so I thought…

           I was in the middle of sparring with Cassian when I caught an unfamiliar scent coming from the direction of the entrance to the camp. My brother must have caught it too because he looked at me with a devilish smirk. The scent was sweet like vanilla and something else, and it was most definitely female. At that moment, my mother came around the corner, her arm around what I assumed was the new mystery girl. I stepped out of the sparring ring and walked to where my mother and the girl stood.

“Ah, Rhysand, I was just looking for you,” my mother said as I approached, “There’s someone I’d like you to meet.” She motioned with her hand to the girl standing beside her.

Now closer, I could actually get a good glimpse at the stranger. She looked around my age, but nothing about her screamed ‘Look at me’. She lifted her face to me then, and my snarky remark died in my throat as I looked at the girl’s face. She was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. Her pale skin was clear, only marked by light freckles across her delicate nose. Her blue-gray eyes shone with a challenge that I was certainly up to accept.i allowed my eyes to roam further down her body. Slowly, I gave her one of my dazzling smiles that always worked on females, and held out my hand.

“Rhysand. It’s a pleasure to meet you…”

She took my hand gently and shook it once before letting it fall.

“Feyre. Nice to meet you,” she replied, completely unfazed by the look I had just given her. Challenge accepted, I thought as Feyre brushed past me and continued walking toward the barracks at the other end of the pitch.  

⃰           ⃰            ⃰

I tried for weeks to get Feyre’s attention, but none of my usual advances worked. She would just smile at me and shake her head and go back to whatever she was doing. The tension was driving me crazy. I had never been one to stumble over words, but this girl, this beautiful girl, with her full pink lips and stunning eyes made me want to roar in frustration whenever she shot down my advances.

I decided to try one last time, so I invited Feyre on a walk with me in the forest surrounding the camp. We had been walking for a good hour, and our conversation had been the same flirty banter that it usually was. Feyre seemed to be in a particularly good mood, so I decided to try my luck.

“You really should consider my offer, Feyre darling,” I said as we walked along one of the mountain streams.

“Oh, should I? Well tell me Rhysand, what would be so appealing about sleeping with you,” Feyre replied, rolling her eyes at me in the process. The way my name rolled off her tongue when she was being sarcastic…

I had to physically stop myself from pouncing onto her as I replied confidently, “I am the son of a High Lord, I am gorgeous, and I’ve never had a complaint about my skills in bed”.

Feyre snorted at this and shook her head, “Hard to get a complaint from your own hand, Rhysand.”

I smiled wickedly at her remark, “Such a foul mouth on such a stunning creature. Show me, Feyre, exactly what that mouth of yours can do”. She simply gave me a smile that left me feeling dizzy and continued walking along the stream.

I made to follow her when I slipped on a rock and lost my balance. I did not have time to catch myself as I fell backwards into the stream. The rush of the freezing water took care of any evidence of what I had been thinking about doing with Feyre’s mouth, along with any pride this amazing female hadn’t already crushed. Feyre stood on the bank now, laughing so hard that she had peeled over. I took this opportunity and grabbed her arm, pulling her into the water with me. She screamed at the coldness of the water, but I quickly pulled her against me before she could attempt to climb out of the stream.

“It’s not kind to laugh at people in distress, Feyre darling,” I said as I pushed back a wet strand of her hair.

She shivered, but I was unsure if it was from the touch or the temperature of the water. My answer came a second later when she took my face into her hands and kissed me gently. I was so taken aback that I forgot to kiss her back for the first few seconds, but I deepened the kiss when I felt her body melt into mine. I gathered her into my arms and laid her down onto the bank before covering her body with my own once again, kissing her like I needed the feel of our lips together to breath. At this point, I did.

Feyre flipped us over without breaking the kiss and straddled me. I made to run my hands over her back, but she grabbed my hands and held them down above my head. She broke the kiss then, and I didn’t realize what she had been doing with my hands until I tried to move them and felt the restraints now around my wrists.

She gave me a wicked smile as she leaned down and whispered in my ear, “If you can get out of these, come find me, and I’ll accept your offer”. I groaned as she nipped my ear and made to stand. She gazed down at me with those beautiful blue eyes and took off running back towards the camp.

I stalked back to the camp mere minutes after breaking the chains with my power, frustrated and cold. I looked for Feyre everywhere, but she was nowhere to be found. Cassian took one look at me when I finally came home and burst into laughter. I gave him the finger and made my way up to the bath. I could still feel the sensation of Feyre’s lips on mine, her body underneath me, the way she nipped at my ear before she left me on that bank. Shit, I thought as I sat down in the bath, this girl is going to be the death of me. Even as the thought struck me, I couldn’t help but think, maybe some things are worth dying for.

Joker Imagine - Singer Shot

Originally posted by ksenoglosja

Your P.O.V.

The club was packed with people, once again. I was happy that Joker’s club was so successful. It was Saturday and we were here after a heist gone well. He was wearing his golden jewelry, a white button up and a fancy red jacket. I was in a body hugging short black dress with red lace on it. Things were pretty great.

J’s hand was on my thigh and I smiled because I enjoyed his touch. ‘’The music is bullshit’’ He growled suddenly. I hadn’t even listened to the live singer. I decided to listen and I realized he was right. Some brunette woman stood on the scene in a white glittery dress. Her pink lips were moving and letting out sound that hurt my ears. 

‘‘You’re right J’‘ I muttered and looked at the woman, sneering. J chuckled and looked at me closely. ‘‘You should go there’‘ He told me. At first I thought he was joking, since he was the Joker. But the look he gave me let me know he was serious. ‘‘Oh Puddin ya know I can’t sing’‘ I laughed nervously. He clenched his jaw and let go of me. Then he whistled and pointed at the singer, telling her to go. The music stopped and she ran off, embarrassed or scared, perhaps both.

‘‘Go on kitten’‘ He purred to me. I couldn’t just sit here, so I did as told. All eyes were on me as I nervously walked to the stage. The lights shone on J so I decided to focus on him. I grabbed the microphone and looked at the man who played the karaokes. ‘‘W-what do you want to sing?’’ He stuttered, obviously afraid of the queen of madness and Gotham. It gave me a little confidence.

‘‘Mad Hatter’‘ I said and looked at my boyfriend. He was looking at me very intensely while holding his purple cane. ‘‘By Melanie Martinez’‘ I added and then took a deep breath. The music started playing and I got ready to sing. 

‘‘My friends don’t walk they run..’‘ I started to sing. My muscles were tense and I was really nervous but I kept going. Somehow it wasn’t as bad as I thought. J grinned, flashing me his beautiful smile. I sang more and then forgot the audience, almost entirely. I focused just on J, no one else.

‘‘Where is my prescription? Doctor doctor please listen..’‘ I sang more confidently by now. Everything was fine. Damn, I even had fun. ‘’So what if I’m crazy, the be-’‘ I got to the higher parts. I shut my eyes and tried to sing, but it was cut short. I tried to make a noise, but I couldn’t breathe. The music had been so loud but now everything was dead silent. I opened my eyes and that’s when I felt a stinging pain in my abdomen.

I inhaled sharply and then looked down, seeing blood. A lot of blood. It was running down my legs but most of it squirted out of my abdomen. My trembling hands touched the wound and I felt the warmth of the blood. I was so shocked. Everything happened so fast and I wasn’t even sure what happened. Then I collapsed on the stage,  spasming in pain.

The silence disappeared in gunshots. I heard multiple gunshots and people screaming. I tried to move my head weakly so I could see, but the pain had made me too weak. I could barely keep my eyes open. I was scared. What if I’d die?

I wasn’t sure how much time passed but suddenly J was by my side. He pressed his shirt against my abdomen and he looked quite mad. He had blood splatters on his pale skin, but God knows whose. His mouth was moving but I couldn’t make any sense of his words. I was in so much pain that it was impossible to focus on anything else. All I knew was that I was shot and J tried to tell me something.

‘‘Y/N!’‘ He yelled my name. For some reason, his voice got clearer. I tried to breathe, but it was hard. I had no idea what to do. ‘‘Breathe, goddamnit’‘ J growled at me.Oh, if he knew that I was trying. ‘‘Boss’‘ Another deep voice said. J didn’t even budge. He looked like he could kill, yet he was trying to keep me alive.

The thought of dying now and never seeing him again made me sad. I was crying, of course but now I noticed it. I tried to move my hand on his but it took a lot of strength. ‘’I..l-love you’’ I muttered, not sure if he heard me. Luckily, he did. He stared at me in disbelief. ‘’Don’t you fucking dare to die Y/N’’ J told me so angrily it almost scared me.

I finally found his hand and I held onto it. Then I coughed up blood. It hurt to cough because I had to use my stomach muscles. It made me dizzy. ‘’Y/N! No, you’re not going to die!’’ J yelled loudly. I wish I could have kept my eyes open but they got heavier every second. Soon, I was only seeing dark. I heard J’s muffled voice and my own heart beat. It started beating slower and the pain almost faded.

Everything faded.

/PART 2 *click me*

Author’s Note: This was requested. I’m not sure if there will be a part 2 which would give the answer to the ending. Do you die or stay alive? Who shot you? Why?

I’m supposed to be asleep but all I can think about is. what if Michael had left the door unlocked. What if Jeremy had walked in because he had to pee. What if Jeremy walked in right on the “wish I’d off myself instead” line. What if Jeremy heard his best friend wanting to die. What if Jeremy had known that he caused his best friend, his only life companion to want to end his life. What if Jeremy knew that he caused Michael to want to fucking. die. What if