Summary- In which Dan ruined what him and Phil had and made his last video.
Word Count - 1.7k
The flat the two shared used to be full of life and happiness, now it was only full of sadness and regret. Dan had messed up big time, him and Phil fought. Now Phil was gone and Dan couldn’t forget him. He was everywhere he looked. Dan couldn’t bear though to get rid of the things they had together. He couldn’t even be bothered to pick up the engagement ring Phil threw back to him just before he left. “Fuck you Dan. I trusted you with my life and agreed to marry you and you went sleeping around?” Phil scoffed, twisting the ring off his finger. His face was tight, the veins in his neck popping out as his eyes watered. “Here”. He threw the ring at Dan, hitting his chest. Dan watched it fall to his feet along with his heart. “I changed my mind. I’ll get my stuff over the week.” He turned and walked out, slamming the door, leaving Dan standing there with tears falling from his eyes, landing around the ring on the floor.
About a month ago it hit Dan, he was getting married. He wanted to marry Phil, god he did. He was scared and did what he usually did. Dan ran. He ran from his fear, ran from everything and into the arms of another person. A few actually. Thinking back now, Dan realized they all had one thing in common, they were just like Phil. Every woman he went home with was a huge kid on the inside with the sweetest smile. If Dan went home with a guy he noticed things about them to, they all were nerdy and had the sweetest personalities.
Staring at the ceiling as his fairy lights shone above him, illuminating the room with a melancholy mist. Dan hadn’t done much of anything since Phil left. He hadn’t gotten out of bed unless he needed to use the bathroom or wanted a drink or snack. Even then he just started hoarding bags of maltesers and water bottles in his room so he wouldn’t have to leave as much. Unlike the rest of the house, Dan’s room was black and white basically. The less color he had the better. To Dan, Phil was like a bunch of colors that shone brightly making everyone happy. Except Dan, the colors only made him sad now.
Tears slipped from his eyes and slid down the sides of his face. He didn’t want to continue YouTube alone, he didn’t want to abandon the gaming channel, let alone his own but he couldn’t do it. He met Phil through YouTube, and it ended on YouTube.
Sighing, Dan found the strength to climb out of bed. His head throbbed in pain as he walked to the bathroom, his head dropping once he saw his appearance. His hair was greasy and curled, bags and dark circles were under his eyes. His shoulders drooped and his clothes hung off his body. He was wearing grey sweatpants that were big on him alone and a jumper that was way too big for him.
Tears fell from his eyes again as a sob crashed through his body. Dan leaned against the wall and slid down, fully sobbing now. “I-I’m so sorry P-Phil.” He gasped through every cry to himself. He doubted he’d ever get to tell him how sorry he was. Phil was right in Dan’s mind to leave. He didn’t deserve Phil, he never did and he proved that.
Dan couldn’t do this. He wasn’t happy. YouTube doesn’t make him happy anymore. It’s been a week, almost two now since he even logged on. He sat there on the bathroom floor for hours thinking it over.
Music blasted in his headphones, and he stared at the tiled wall. Was he doing this? “I guess I am,” he mumbled, the life drained from him. He pulled himself up and trudged back to his room, setting the camera up in front of his bed. Turning the camera on he sat there for five minutes before saying anything.
“Hello internet,” he waved his hand. His voice wasn’t happy like it usually was when he did his intros, then again he wasn’t happy anymore. “I look like a literal rat right now, and I deserve to.”
Dan sighed and hung his head trying to think of how he wanted to explain everything. The fans never knew that him and Phil were together, so how was to explain what happened without outing them. Hopefully Phil wouldn’t hate his anymore than he already did..
“As you guys probably have noticed, Phil and I are no longer gonna be living together.” Dan bite his lip and looked down. “A-And it’s all my fault.” He looked into the viewfinder for a brief moment to see how he was doing.
“Phil and I were a couple. I asked him to be my boyfriend back in 2011 and he said yes.” Dan smiled but that smile was nothing but sadness anymore. “We went through tough times like any other couple, as you all know we grew apart in 2012, but we came back around.”
Dan could feel tears forming back in his eyes but he refused to let them fall again. “After being together for over 5 years, I decided I would ask him to marry me. I wanted to make it perfect, because that’s what Phil deserves. I planned a trip back to where it all started. You were so clueless. My heart was soaring, beating out of my chest. I was gonna ask you to marry me and I was terrified you would say no. Looking back? You should have, but for some reason you chose to say yes.”
Laughing a bit Dan remember how nervous he had been that day. “I took you to the train station where we met for the first time. I was nervous to get off the train that day. I was worried you would hate the me you would see in person.”
A single tear rolled down his cheek, “W-we planned to get married in May. We planned on recording bits of it, and uploading a vlog as a surprise to you guys.” Dan chuckled, “Some of you, many of you actually would have been expecting it.”
Dan closed his eyes and let the tears roll freely now. He brought his hand up and covered his mouth, letting sobs escape his body. His eyes were more than likely bloodshot as he looked back into the camera. “Then I fucked up big time.” Came from his lips in a whisper.
“Loyalty is something everyone deserves. T-trust to, and I broke both of those things. P-phil… If you by some chance watch this, not that you would want to see me again in any form, but I-I’m so sorry. You should never forgive m-me. I was scared. I s-still am now that I’m alone again because I-I’m so used to having you here. It’s not the same. There’s no dork to greet me when I finally crawl out of bed, no one to help when I fall into an existential crisis. I fucking took you for granted, and I will never f-forgive myself for that.”
Dan fell back onto his bed and let the sobs come, the tears pour. A good 15 minutes later once he composed himself, he sat back up and looked into the camera. “I che-cheated on P-Phil Lester. I fucking hate myself f-for it.” He wiped his eyes before looking back into the camera.
“It hit me that I was getting married and I started to panic. I started thinking about how Phil, how you could c-change your mi-mind any moment and it scared me. So, like any other time I was scared, I ran. Instead of running to you, I ran from you. Into the arms of others.”
“I want you guys to do me a favor. I want you all to, if you love somebody, make sure you tell them. If you get scared f-fucking tell them! Don’t do what I did. Don’t be stupid and cost yourself the one person you can’t live without. This? This hurts like fucking hell and it sucks. Phil, you mean everything to me an- and I’ll never get you back and I deserve that. I deserve to be lonely and to never hear from you again.”
Dan sighed, scared shitless to end this video. His face was tear stained, his sleeves were damp from crying and his eyes were bloodshot and puffy. “The last few things I w-want to say to end this on… I-I’m moving. I don’t know where, but somewhere. Hell, I don’t even know if I’ll stay in London, it all hurts too much. J-just like this… YouTube used to make me happy. Now it mocks me. I look and see most of the videos I created were with you Phil and I can’t do it. So, this is it. No more Danisnotonfire. No more live shows, no more updates. I’m going back to being Dan, and getting rid of my internet persona I’ve built over the years. Please, if you guys see me in public, please don’t come up to me. I don’t want this “fame”,” Dan put hand quotations around fame. He never considered himself a famous person. Just someone on the internet. “I loved meeting you guys, but when your other half is missing you just don’t want to continue.”
Dan sighed one last time and wiped his eyes before looking into the camera. “I’m Dan and this was Danisnotonfire. Goodbye internet.”
Dan had just finishing packing up the last box of things from his bedroom. He was moving back home, not too far from his parents’ house. Carrying the box out to the lounge, he looked around. What was once a happy place was now nothing but a bad memory. The ring he gave Phil lived in his wallet. The remains of his YouTube career were going with him. He had uploaded the video a week ago and wasn’t sure how everyone was reacting. He didn’t check the comments or look on any social media. He was too scared.
Dan’s phone went off in his hand and he looked at it.
YouTube: AmazingPhil has just uploaded a video: Phil’s Final Video Blog - 2nd March 2017