"I'm a misunderstood bad boy"
So forgive me for the self-projection here but while I was writing my post in reply to the last Anon submission it made me remember some stuff from when I was in high school.
So I like video games and Grand Theft Auto is one of my favourites, oddly enough it was via that game franchise I discovered I am trans and I just feel a need to explain this one given the games awful representation of trans people;
So when I was 9 years old I begged my Mum for a PS2 and Grand Theft Auto III, at the time I had been going round to a friend’s house and playing it and it was just so much fun. Quite frankly, the thing I enjoyed most was having a huge world to explore that wasn’t this one. Anyway for my 9th Christmas my Mum gave in and got me a PS2 but there was no GTA III as she was still really iffy about getting me an 18 rated game. In the end she gave in and got me the game but sat down and had a talk with me and explained that what I do in the game, I shouldn’t ever do in real life.
So anyway, I was so happy and it wasn’t long before I came across cheat codes and GTA III had a “Change Character” cheat code and so I scrolled through it until it landed on this blonde girl in a long blue jacket carrying two shopping bags and something in my head just clicked “That should be me, I should be a girl. That is me, I am a girl.” A few weeks later in my 9 year old vocabulary I asked my Mum, “Can people change sex?” She must have assumed I was asking out of curiosity as she said “Yes” (as some of you might recall from my post Wednesday evening, my Mum is transphobic). Anyway, at that point I didn’t tell my Mum I wanted to be a girl but I just remember being so happy and thinking, “one day I’m gonna be a girl”.
Anyway, tangent over. So yeah, I like video games and my first year of high school was way back in 2004 when GTA: San Andreas was released and I kid you not, my career plan at that time was to move to Los Angeles and become a gangster (at that age I had no idea that would not be a career plan that would get me through US immigration). I think part of it was escapism and part of it was me exaggerating my masculinity. I wasn’t popular in school (well not when I started high school) and I was a target of bullying and I wanted it to stop. I had it in my head that if anyone ever found out or suspected I was trans they would bully me even more, so I tried to exaggerate my masculinity. Wanna know the real irony though? When I finally came out as trans all the bullying stopped. So all the years of forcing masculinity for nothing.
But yeah, I used to stroll about the school pretending I was a gangster and getting people to call me CJ. Yet at home I would go to bed at night praying that God would let me wake up the next morning as a girl which of course never happened.
And it is me projecting but Marco’s insistence they are a “misunderstood bad boy” feels very much the same. And sure, maybe it links in to some other insecurity and they aren’t trans, but we know Marco is insecure and we know Marco is keeping secrets about their life, even from Star and based on all the evidence so far I choose to believe it is cos Marco is a closeted trans girl.
Feel free to disagree and post your opinions. Hope you enjoy this post.