it is 4am what am i doing

there is a particular type of emptiness that comes on a person between the hours of 11pm and 4am wherein your body sends steadily more confusing signals about what it wants, which you dutifully try to interpret. do we want a pink donut, you ask yourself? dutifully, a pink donut is procured and eaten, but the emptiness persists. do we want a toasted ham and cheese sandwich instead, perhaps to eat while reading a suitable fanfic, curled up in the kind of comfortable window-seat our house does not, in fact, possess? what do we want, brain-body?

here is the answer: what we crave in these moments isn’t nourishment, but acknowledgement freely offered, as opposed to covertly solicited. we sit awake while others sleep and hope our distant friends will sense, by some animal gnosis apart from us, that we want their company; will know to reassure us that we’re not wasting their time, that they’re thinking of us, that we’re valued and wanted. it’s a complex sort of hunger, and one the human body is evidently ill-equipped to convey to its resident ghost in any clearly distinguished fashion. 

so instead, we make terrible decisions involving carbohydrates while squinting at unsatisfactory literature. because existential crises.

AUs no one asked for
  •  I’m sleeping over at my friend’s flat from university after study group and just got woken up in the middle of the night by their roommate, who is sitting in the kitchen, listening very loudly to the dirty dancing soundtrack and crying. Like wtf, I didn’t even know they had a roommate and normally I would yell at you but damn you are cute. You really need to stop tho dude, its 4am, some people in this house want to sleep AU
  • I am a barista and you are a customer who comes in every day and orders the same thing and today my friend brought you with them, I didn’t even know we had mutual friends and WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT IS NOT ACTUALLY YOUR NAME HAVE I REALLY BEEN WRITING A NAME THAT IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO YOURS ON YOUR CUPS FOR OVER HALF A YEAR WHY HAVE YOU NEVER CORRECTED ME AU
  • The house party me and my friends threw kinda escalated and after throwing out everyone I found this half naked person passed out in my bed but I can’t be bothered to wake them up now so I’m just gonna go to sleep and deal with it in the morning, they are kind of cute anyway AU
  • (or alternatively) I just woke up in a stranger’s bed and I’m half naked, I cant remember anything about yesterday besides that the party was great and that I got absolutely wasted AND OH MY GOD THERE IS A HOT PERSON NEXT TO ME IN BED AND THEY ARE NOT WEARING MUCH WHAT DID WE DO YESTERDAY AU
  • You are my new coworker and I’m pretty sure I’ve never met you SO WHY ARE YOU LOOKING SO FAMILIAR FUCK I THINK YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE ANGSTY EMO KIDS I USED TO STALK BACK IN THE MYSPACE DAYS I CANT BELIEVE THIS AU
  • We work out at the same gym and you are my declared rival because we have the same workout routine and you are always better than me and on my way to the locker room I passed you in the shower where you were singing the opening of hannah montana and I can still hear you and you switched to the lion king now and even though I hate you I think I am kind of in love with you AU
  • I’m hiding in the bathroom of a restaurant from a spectacularly awful tinder date and you are in a similar situation because a guy at the bar just won’t stop hitting on you and now we are planning an epic escape together even though we only met ten minutes ago AU
Best and worst books I read in 2016

I definitely slacked on reading this year, and i’m not sure how extensive either parts of this list will be. 

Best: 

I don’t think I expected to like this book, I was a bit like ‘eh, it’s gay, it’ll do’ and then cut to me at 4am sobbing on the sofa because I had just fallen in love with such an amazing set of characters and an adorable love story that really resonated with me because I know what it’s like to fall in love with someone from just words on a screen. Please read this. 

I hadn’t heard anything about this book,  I bought it on a whim because I am always tempted by a ‘3 for £5′ book sale (who wouldn’t be), and I have to say it was a bloody good decision. This book highlights family dynamics in such a powerful way and deals with topics such as racism and misogyny so well. It’s safe to say that I cried a few times while reading this.#

I am conflicted on this book, the spell system was ridiculous and some of the Harry Potter parallels were a bit too much but overall it had to be on my favourites list. I fell in love with the characters, and the relationships, and I think I read it at a time where I was so tired of the lack of diversity in Harry Potter that I needed something like this, something magical and beautiful but something really fucking gay. 

Honestly, this is mainly on my list because anything with magic/powers/abilities is bound to make me fall in love. I love Mare Barrow, and I love the way the author makes you feel for the characters so that you’re genuinely shocked when something happens. I’ll fight if the love triangle I am sensing carries on though, I will riot. Mare Barrow to be a kick ass lady alone or end up with a girl 2k17. 

Honourable mentions that I would need pages to write reviews for: Everything Leads to You by Nina Lacour, The Art of Being Normal by Lisa Williamson and More Than This by Patrick Ness.

Worst:

I really bloody love The Selection series, and I always find Kiera’s writing to be very easy to read and enjoyable, but this was not my shit. It was incredibly rushed, and the choices that were made and the plots that were highlighted above other ones were not the best. Also……… what the ever loving HECK were those names. 

No. Just…. no. I have nothing to say that wouldn’t fill up your dash ten times and get me brutally murdered. Scorpius Malfoy is a good egg, that is all. 

Books I never finished: Finding Audrey by Sophie Kinsella and The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern 

Crushing on a friend (Damian Wayne headcanon)

Requested: Yes
Request: Could you do a headcannon where Damian realizes he has a crush on the reader? Like they’re good friends and he’s like, “oh shit.”

  • “I AM DAMIAN WAYNE, Son of BATMAN! I don’t have time for such petty feelings!”
  • DAMN BOI were you wrong
  • would have the toughest time determining what he’s actually feeling
  • like “AM I SICK”, “Maybe it’s the Ivy.” 
  • But like why do I feel this way every time I see them
  • Like you were so close anyway so he thought nothing of it
  • Till one day, at 4am at night it hits him
  • He’ll be hella shook, like WHAT AM I GONNA DO
  • Will not address it for the longest time
  • Want’s to find out if you have someone/ Have a crush on someone first
  • SO any new partners catching your eye lately?”
  • Insert eyebrow raise *here*
  • He’ll be slightly less rude all of the sudden
  • Not that he was ever super rude to you (Never on the level that he’s on with his family)
  • But some snarky comments are left unsaid
  • Insert eyebrow raise nr 2 *here*
  • You finally end up asking whats up
  • He’ll try act all cool like he doesn’t know what’s going on
  • Then you list all the shit you’ve noticed
  • He is low-key impressed with your observational skills
  • But also petrified
  • I might have, as of late, developed these strange feelings toward you, to which I don’t know what to do.”
  • Like you too Dami,” 
  • Like look forward to an amazing first date
  • Since he knows you better then the back of his hand 

Masterlist
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With love,
-K

The Stages of  Grief (Herpes Edition)

Denial.
I woke up on a Monday morning; after a Sunday night of rough sex. I went to the bathroom and could barely get anything out. Great, I have a UTI because I fell asleep right after. *Eye-roll*
Days go by, I’m drinking tons of water, drinking sugar-free cranberry juice. My UTI is not letting up. I should go see a doctor.
Thursday comes along and I have to go to the ER because I am in so much pain when I do pee. Extreme burning. Extremely fatigued. My bladder is spasming - which is painful. I get some antibiotics, and some medication to help with the bladder spasming. I am informed that if I vomit, I need to come back.
Friday at 4AM, I projectile vomit all over the bathroom. I resort to peeing in the shower because water helps take away the sting. I cry. I touch my labia, and that’s when I notice it… a bump. What the fuck is this? I take a picture (after getting out of the shower). Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I have herpes.
Friday at 10PM, I work up enough courage to go back to the ER. I get the visual diagnosis, and swabs done to confirm.

Anger.
In the moments following the visual diagnosis. I am crying. My life is ruined. No one will love me. My boyfriend is going to accuse me of cheating, and I have done nothing wrong! Why does this hurt so bad? I should go over to his house and confront him! How is he going to do this to me?! He told me he got checked for STD’s and was clear! I shouldn’t have trusted him.

Bargaining.
Why can’t I have chlamydia? What about gonorrhea? Why did I have to get something that’s incurable? Why me? What did I do wrong?

Depression.
I didn’t move for days; with the exception of going to my partners house to inform him of my 2AM diagnosis. We cried together, and he apologized. I went home, called off work, and laid in bed. I cried. I wondered how I was going to tell my mom. What was she going to think of my boyfriend that she already didn’t like? Should I just commit suicide? Is life even worth living at this point?

Acceptance.
This only came with research. Ninety percent of people have HSV. One in Five have genital herpes. I am not alone. I am not a minority. I can still have children. I can still live a normal life. I am a human being. I am not dirty. I did nothing wrong. Life is still worth living; it is beautiful, even when it’s painful.
Not everyone is worthy to know of my diagnosis. My mom doesn’t need to know. My gossipy friend does not need to know. The only person that needs to know is myself, my partner, and any future partners. Herpes does not change me, it does not make me.

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The world needs more happy Tommy Sheperds and definitely more awesome dancing moves. why not with some Uptown Funk.