it invalidates your

Because I feel that I am a woman, therefore you must treat me as if I actually am, otherwise you are transphobic. As I insist on participating as a woman in your groups, gatherings, or spaces you also must forgo discussing anything about your female socialization, female anatomy, or female functions because it hurts my feelings. It hurts my feelings because I was neither socialized as a girl nor am I capable of experiencing what the female body experiences from cradle to grave. But if you about this I am reminded then that I am not female, and therefore not really a woman. My experience of feeling like a woman must not be invalidated by your experiences of being a woman, therefore I will shame you for being female, teach you in university to estrange your body from your mind, make your distinct physicality and oppression that is specific to your sex irrelevant in the laws of the land or anything that names our differences until there is only the mind. Now only how I think about about your body is real. Mind over body. Mind over matter. Spirit over matter/mater/mother. A woman is anyone who says they are a woman. My word is now more real than your mitochondrial DNA. Accept that by my word, you really don’t exist.
—  Ruth Barrett

anonymous asked:

Tuafw your parents leave the dog alone at home and when you get back from con, balancing a bunch of stuff in your arms, you have to rush to turn off the alarm and keep the dog from escaping and hold everything and then the dog gets into your room and almost destroys something really special to you and you have a meltdown but they wouldn't understand why you're "so upset" so you just hide it ⚫️⚪️

peanutbutterpumpkin  asked:

Ok so like.,, I came out to all my teachers saying I want to be called Rion this year but after I did it just made me uncomfortable and nauseous as if I felt more comfortable being 'Marilyn',, is this wrong?? Am I not really trans??

No, not at all! Many trans people take a long time to get used to a new name. It’s not uncommon to do a double take when you hear somebody calling you something you haven’t ever been called before, it doesn’t invalidate your gender identity.

The name Rion might also not be right for you, so don’t be afraid to try a few names if you have to, figure out what fits you and works for you.

There’s also no problem with going by your birthname and being trans, it’s okay to have a traditionally feminine name and not be a female.

Hope this helped!

-Avin 👽

Gentrification creates a stifling homogeneity in urban areas that makes it less suited for the everyday lives of the lower class and more suited towards the leisure and tourism of those with expendable income.

An old, decrepit laundromat gets replaced by an upscale bakery? And people are mad? It’s not that the poor hate organic vegan cupcakes, it’s that most of us don’t have a way to do laundry in our own home.

Run-down corner stores replaced by hand-made designer clothing boutiques? We don’t hate your eco-fabric shawl, but I can’t eat that for dinner after work like I could have a can of beans I grabbed from that corner store when I don’t have time to take the bus to the real grocery store after work.

What gentrification brings in and of itself is not typically bad, it’s that gentrification brings institutions of leisure and pleasure and makes it so that the poor have to go farther out of their way for basic necessities. It turns low-income living spaces into local tourist attractions. It can even create food deserts by putting restaurants, grocery stores, etc. in that the majority of the lower class cannot afford.

Imagine if someone totally renovated your house and turned it into a mini theme park - they took away your sleeping space, where you prepare food, where you clean yourself and get ready for your day, and replaced it with things that will please people who are visiting, who have their own homes they can go back to, who are here not for their entire life but just as a distraction from their otherwise mundane existence. It’s not that you hate theme parks, it’s not like you’ve never been to a theme park and vow to never visit one again. It’s just that you need to live! To survive! And the leisure of those who have more than you should not invalidate your existence.

Even if they say “they didn’t mean it”, they’re still responsible for what they did.

Even if they say “they don’t remember it”, they’re still responsible for what they did.

Even if they say “you’re delusional, I would never do that, you made it up”, they’re still responsible for what they did, and for trying to gaslight and invalidate your memories.

Even if they say “I didn’t do it, and even if I did, I would be right to do it”, they’re still guilty for what they did.

Even if they have excuses, they’re still responsible for what they did.

Even if they act like it would have been crazy to expect from them to act any different way, they’re still responsible for what they did to you.

Even if they come at you with an entire agenda of how you should perceive what they did so it actually “benefits you”, even if they insist they did it for your own good, they’re still responsible for what they did to you, and for lying about it.

Even if they cry about how much it pains them to be accused of hurting you, they’re still responsible for what they did to you.

Even if they cry about how much they love you and how they did it all out of love and never meant to hurt you, it’s still their responsibility for what they did to you.

Even if they act like what they did shouldn’t have hurt you and you’re the one responsible for taking damage, for being sensitive to being abused, it’s still their responsibility for what they did to you.

Even if they blame you for what they did to you, they’re still responsible for what they did.

Even if they insist someone else did it to them too, even if they insist they had it worse than you, even if they say it’s a cultural thing, they’re still responsible for what they did to you.

Even if it was long ago, and they act like you’re wrong for remembering such old wrong doing, it’s still something they did, and they’re still responsible for doing it.

They can lie and deny and accuse and blame and invalidate and gaslight. It doesn’t absolve them of responsibility for what they did. It doesn’t absolve them from guilt.

Nothing can absolve abusers from responsibility for their own actions. Nothing.

You deserve someone who gives a shit. You deserve someone who doesn’t take pride in being an asshole. You deserve someone who doesn’t invalidate your feelings by calling you annoying or sensitive. You deserve someone who’s all about you. You deserve someone who doesn’t play games with you. You deserve someone who makes you feel secure. You deserve someone who doesn’t purposely try to get you mad. You deserve someone who compromises. You deserve someone who’s there for you when you’re feeling down. Remember that.

some of the things i've been told since coming out as asexual in 2015

-“you’re too pretty to be asexual”
-“you just haven’t met the right guy yet”
-“you’ll change your mind once you’re in a relationship”
-“if you ever get in a ‘relationship’ your partner will just cheat on you so he can have sex”
-“is there something wrong with you?”
-“it’s just a hormonal thing. doctors can help you fix that”
-“so… you’re gay?”
-“here’s the name of my doctor you should see him about your homone levels”
-“that’s not a real thing”
-“there must be something wrong with you”
-“you’re probably gay but too scared to tell anyone”
-“i can fix that ;)”
-“i called my pastor and he said he’s going to put you on the prayer chain”
-“the bible doesn’t necessarily say that asexuality is wrong, but it’s wrong because it’s an identity thing. you should just identify as a child of God, regardless of whether or not you actually get these feelings”
-“you’re basically just straight”
-“so you’re just gonna be alone forever?”
-“so you’ve never loved anyone?”
-“ohmygosh is this because of your past trauma?!”
-“i’m so sorry, this must be because of all you’ve been through”
-“you don’t look asexual”
-“so you probably masturbate a lot then…”
-“asexuals aren’t part of the lgbtqia community… the A stands for 'ally’. stop pretending like asexuals are descriminated against”
-“isn’t that a plant thing?”

(feel free to add some of your own experiences)

the boy who lived

2

If they “don’t think people are really bi/ace,” or if they think they can’t trust you because you’re bi/ace, you deserve better. Invalidating your identity or using your identity against you is not okay, and having a partner who does that might feel like it comes with the territory of being bi/ace, but I promise you it doesn’t.

  • To the aro lesbians: youre not feeding the stereotype or sexualizing lesbians. Its not your job to desexualize lesbians. You deserve the world and more 💚
  • To the aro gay men: youre not feeding the predatory gay stereotype. Its not your job to end the belief that gay men are predatorial 💚
  • To the aro bi and pansexuals: youre not emotionally manipulative or abusive for being aromantic. Its not your job to end the belief that bisexuals and pansexuals are sex hungry and emotionally null. Youre deeply emotional and complicated and no one can take that from you 💚
  • To the aro heterosexual men: youre not inherently mysoginistic or a "fuckboy" for not being interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with a woman youre sexually attracted to. Its not your job to single handedly tackle the belief that men who like to have sex with women but not engage in a romantic relationship with them are predatory misogynists. You identity is not problematic because it overlaps with these negative stereotypes 💚
  • To the aromantic heterosexual women: Your aromanticism is not an obstacle for men to hurdle and "defeat". You are not a prize to be won 💚
  • To the aromantic asexual people: you're aromanticism/asexuality does not make you a waste. Your companionship is no less valuable than that of alloromantic allosexuals 💚
  • To the aromantic people who feel broken: you're not, aromanticism isnt the character flaw that media makes it out to be. It is a valid identity, not a quirk or mistake. Its an identity 💚
  • To the aromantic minors: youre not immature, you wont "realize when youre older". Aromanticism isnt a childish thing that you grow out of as you mature. Your identity is just as valid NOW as it will be in twenty years. Just because people get up in arms about a-spec identities in minors doesnt make you any less aromantic. 💚
  • To the aromantic abuse survivors: whether your aromanticism is related to your trauma or not does not invalidate it. Whether youre aromantic because or despite your trauma youre still aromantic and no less than those who arent survivors 💚
  • To the romance repulsed aromantics: its okay. YOURE okay. Romance being shoved down your throat every way you turn is hard, and people ignoring your feelings about it hurts but youre just as valid as those who dont experience it. You deserve to be as comfortable as everyone else 💚
  • To the autistic aromantics: your autism doesnt discount your aromanticism whether theyre closely entwined or not. You deserve better than allistics policing your identity and how it interacts with your autism 💚
  • To the popular aromantics: its not a competition as to who can be .~*the one*~. to "fix" you no matter how much it may feel that way. You are so much more than a challenge for people to overcome 💚
  • To all aromantic people regardless of all else: i love you. I promise you'll get through this 💚
2

I went off on twitter. This was mostly about sexuality, but it fucking applies to gender too, Melissa.

Transcript:

“Why are there new terms for sexualities? They sound made up.“ 

 Yes, Susan, that’s language; A BUNCH OF MADE UP SOUNDS THAT EVOLVE OVER TIME

This isn’t the 40s, Bob; I’m not a hep cat homophile, I’m a tired lesbian who wants you to leave the nice demi/pan/aro/ace/etc queers ALONE.

All they wanna do… is have a nice succinct name… and a nice little flag… AND WALK IN THE PRIDE PARADE LIKE THE REST OF US, MIKAELA.

I’ll put it this way: 

 "If thou dost protest thine word’s natural evolutions, mayhaps THOUST GET THEE TO AN INN FOR THINE ELDERY, HORATIO.”

Perhaps… have some empathy & maybe think about how people are different from you & that doesn’t invalidate either of your feelings, Chad.

“Everyone has to make an emotional connection before they’re sexually attracted to someone.“ 

 No, Lucy, I’d bang hot total strangers.

But hey… if you think that… maybe… YOU SHOULD LOOK UP THESE SEXUALITIES YOU’RE SAYING ARE MADE UP AND REASSESS YOUR’S, SHAKIRA.

We make up new words b/c we need a new word. That’s how you know that an "app” is the word for the application on your microcomputer, Lou.

So I’m sorry if you’re lazy/new words scare/threaten you in your  old age. But these are my queer sisters/bros/NB kin & they’re REAL & VALID

one thing that’s hard about being a lesbian, is that regardless of your gender presentation, you are simultaneously conforming to and disregarding societal expectations. if you’re butch, people may see you as less of a woman, but you’re “such a stereotypical lesbian”, and if you’re femme you may be criticised for acting to girly/ wearing too much make up/ whatever, while also hearing, “but you don’t LOOK gay”.

to all lesbians (especially trans lesbians), how you choose to dress and express yourself does not invalidate your identity as a woman or a lesbian, and nor is it bad to conform to stereotypes of your gender or orientation. you are all beautiful and valid, every one.

Tips on dating for when YOU have BPD

I’ve seen so many articles and posts on “how to date someone with BPD”, or worse “warning signs your partner has BPD” or “how to recover from dating someone with BPD”. But I could only find ONE article giving advice to people WITH BPD in relationships. So, I’ve made my own. Here are some tips on maintaining a good relationship when YOU have BPD:

  • Be open. I know you’ll be scared that if you’re too honest, you’ll scare the partner away. But you need to be truthful, or you’ll end up bottling things up, and then they explode.
  • Saying that, sometimes it’s okay not to express your fears. Small fears such as how your partner hasn’t texted back as fast as normal, don’t need to be expressed when they occur. Once you’ve calmed down, take the time to express it. Say “It makes me a bit sad when you don’t reply fast, but I understand that sometimes that happens” This way, your partners understands your fears, but also knows that you understand their limits too. Sometimes our fears are small and go away if we wait, so take a minute to thing logically (if you can).
  • It’s okay to show symptoms! Don’t be mad at yourself if you have a mood swing in front of your partner, it;s not your fault
  • Avoid expressing when you’re splitting. It’s hard not to let every things out when we’re mad and splitting, but try not to if you can. Try and suppress for a little time and express your feelings once you’ve settled. This way you can express them neutrally, without bias, and make sense when you do so.
  • Keep reminders of your partner’s care for you. Screen shot texts and keep them in a folder. When you feel unloved or the person isn’t responding, read through these to remind yourself that they love you
  • Ask your partner to give you small reminders. Ask “every now and again, can you remind me you love me?”. This isn’t a big ask- a small text once a day is not manipulative or needy, and your partner should be ahppy to as this makes you happy
  • Set guidelines. It’s okay to have certain things you get paranoid about. Tell your partner that there are some things you don’t like- e.g. “I don’t like it when you use full stops, it makes me think you’re angry, could you avoid doing so? I understand if you mess up though.” A relationship is about caring for each other and making each other comfortable, so your partner should be ahppy to make small changes to make you happy, just as you’ll make small changes to make them happy!
  • Be prepared to compensate. Sometimes we get paranoid about things that we just have to let happen. We get worried when our partner talks about other people, when they see other people. It’s okay to express this, but we have to learn that we can’t stop our partners doing this. This is hard, and something I struggle with myself, but it’s needed to make our partners feel comfortable. If your partner is out doing something you don’t like, distract yourself. 
  • Find someone else, with BPD is best, to vent to. I have a close friend or 2 who I vent my worries to, and they have BPD as well. They understand and validate my fears, so that I don’t feel needy or mean. This way you can express these fears without controlling and hurting your partner. E.g. I say to my friends “My partner is seeing his ex today. I get that’s his right to but it’s pissing me off and I just wanted to tell someone.” 
  • Remind yourself it’s okay to express yourself. Telling your partner you’re scared they’re going to leave you isn’t automatically abusive or manipulative, it’s true.Tell them you feel suicidal isn’t manipulative, you deserve support and love.
  • When splitting, learn to distance yourself. If you notice you’re splitting for an unfair reason, it’s okay to distance yourself. It’s okay to walk out a room, to stop replying for a minute to compose yourself. This way, you won’t lash out, and you can avoid getting more angry. Inform your partner you are splitting, so they can give you space.
  • Don’t let yourself be invalidated. If your parter says something invalidating, mean, or hurtful, tell them. We get scared that if we tell our partners they hurt us they may leave, but it’s important not to let our partners hurt us.
  • Tell your partner about your BPD- and if not that- about your symptoms. Tell them you split (you sometimes hate people for no reason), tell them you have abandonment fears (get scared they’ll leave you). This way your partner can adapt and help you. Give them tips to help you. e.g. “If I’m scared you’ll leave me, tell me you love me, and tell me why you love me”
  • Learn to say sorry. Sometimes we lash out, sometimes we get irrational and hurt our partners. this may not be our fault, but it is our responsibility. Learn to say “I’m sorry I lashed out”.
  • You deserve someone who’s willing to help you. You deserve someone who is willing to send you little messages, who is willing to validate and support you. Don’t settle for someone who gets mad at you for your mood swings or invalidates your feelings.
    We deserve a kind, loving, supporting relationship as much as anyone else.

anonymous asked:

How can I tell if I'm actually going through emotional abuse and not just being overemotional?

well, here’s a few signs:

  • if you are scared of somebody 
  • if they call you names, invalidate your feelings, apologize insincerely for upsetting you, or manipulate you
  • if somebody has ever called you “worthless”, “useless”, “good for nothing”, or any other variation of telling you that you don’t have value
  • if you think about all your actions in words in terms of “will this make them mad at me” because they tend to get mad over small things
  • if you feel like you have to change your demeanor and personality to suit them because otherwise they’ll be angry
  • if you can’t set up boundaries like “take time to cool down when you’re mad so you don’t call me names”
  • if you don’t have a space that is just yours for at least some time during each day because they invade it
  • if you fear they will go through your phone, diary, journal, etc
  • if you are asking “am i being emotionally abused” that’s also a pretty big indicator that you are

That awkward moment when you realize as a result of being emotionally neglected and abused as a child you never learned how to vocalize “what’s wrong” because no one ever cared enough to ask…
Or when they did they didn’t take the time to understand, or used it against you to bully you, invalidating your experience and minimizing your feelings labeling you “too sensitive” so as an adult you keep everything inside to the detriment of your own mental health and relationships 🙃🙃🙃