Also, 1. “Oh go sit on a cactus.” for any and all combinations of Sasori/Sakura/Gaara in Stumble!verse. Requested by @rhosinthorn
There are some days when Sasori wonders if being canonized as a saint requires an application, and if so, how many people he has to eviscerate to get his hands on it. On days like today, he hopes he can choose who he can murder because the first person on his list will be the constant pain in the ass that is Gaara.
“Oh, go sit on a cactus.” Sasori sneers. ‘Sasori, the patron saint of patience’ has a rather nice ring to it, he thinks. Between putting up with being slingshot to another timeline with his murderer/current best-friend (ew) and dealing with Gaara going through puberty, he damn near deserves that and a golden plaque - no, a statue. A statue smack in the middle of Suna made of quebracho so his memory can live on eternally in the most beautiful of art forms. He’ll force shinobi to keep it constantly reinforced with chakra so it will never shatter and generations can revel in it.
“You go sit on a cactus.” Gaara replies. Sasori raises a brow when he spots the jinchuuriki’s fingers curling into tight fists at his sides. This is the closest he’s ever gotten to throwing a temper tantrum. Sasori makes mental note of this day for posterity. Perhaps he can get Sakura to pull another miracle and convert his memory into a video that they can laugh at later.
“Fine,” Sasori replies simply. “You have several in your room, right?” Gaara’s aquamarine eyes widen just a fraction.
“Don’t blame me for calling your bluff. Scared I’ll desecrate your little greenhouse?”
“You wouldn’t have to call your bluff if you would stop being so stubborn.”
“I’m trying to look out for your health and I’m the bad guy? Again, just because Naruto can eat fifty bowls of ramen doesn’t mean you can. Or will. Go eat something green and be healthy.”