it has a chainsaw

Gardener AU!! 

(I’m a bad writer, but if you’re interested in some rambling, read more)

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anonymous asked:

Hey Thomas! A few days ago you tweeted "Well, cluck me gently with a chainsaw," and it has been stuck in my head ever since because I have no idea--- what on earth does that mean? It's driving me nuts, pls respond.

Did you see what it was connected to?? It was connected to a picture of three hens in sweaters the same colors worn by the Heathers from the movie and musical of the same name. It was a multi-layered joke, I know, but there ya go lol

overwatch hero concept: her name is willow shes a big lumberjack and has a chainsaw and her ultimate is that she just jumps up real high and shouts TIMBER and then falls on people

Heathers starters:
  • "Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw."
  • "My teen-angst bullshit now has a body count."
  • "Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs."
  • "The extreme always seems to make an impression."
  • "What is your damage, _____?"
  • "That 'what a cruel world, let's toss ourselves into the abyss' type of ambience."
  • "The only place different social types can genuinely get along with each other is heaven."
  • "Did you have a brain tumour for breakfast?"
  • "I say we just grow up, be adults and die."
  • "Why do you have to be such a mega-bitch?"
  • "Now that you're dead, what are you gonna do with your life?"
  • "Some people need different kinds of convincing than others."
  • "She's my best friend. God, I hate her."
  • "Nice guys finish last, I should know."
  • "If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being."

Directed by Ana Lily Amirpour (A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night) the film has been described as a combination of Mad Max and Texas Chainsaw Massacre – and follows a character named Arlen as she becomes immediately captured by a cannibal gang, has a few limbs removed, and makes an escape while strapped to a skateboard. Per post-apocalyptic law, this automatically makes her a Furiosa-style badass.

From there the film turns into a revenge plot and weird friendship between her and a walking-bicep named Miami Man. And since the character requires tough-guy long hair, some stupid tattoos, and the surname “man,” there was really only one person to play him.

Also, somewhere in the mix Jim Carrey shows up looking like grandpa hobo in a completely non-verbal role, followed by a “Jim Jones-like spiritual leader” played by Keanu Reeves with a porn mustache. Because God is real and wants us to be happy.

7 WTF New Movies Nobody Told You About (Spring 2017)

Listen, My Hero Academia Smash is amazing.

theguardian.com
Czech zoo to remove horns of 18 white rhinos following French attack
Zoo deems danger to animals from poachers to be ‘really intense’, with black market rhino horn selling for more than gold or cocaine

A Czech zoo has said it will use a chainsaw to remove the horns from its herd of rare rhinos after a brutal attack last week in a French zoo where poachers shot dead a white rhino and hacked off its horns. “It’s for the sake of rhino safety,” Andrea Jirousova, spokeswoman for the zoo in the central Czech town of Dvur Kralove nad Labem, said. “The attack (in France) put us on alert, the danger is really intense,” she said, but declined to reveal when the surgery would take place.On 7 March, the zoo in Thoiry near Paris said unknown intruders had broken security barriers and killed a male rhino of the critically endangered southern white subspecies for its horns.The Dvur Kralove zoo currently has a herd of 21 black and southern white rhinos, including three calves who will not undergo surgery.

Okay I want to talk about the Barns for a minute

Specifically, I want to talk about animals and Ronan’s agricultural management

I’m as fond as everyone else of the idea of strange dream-creatures roaming the fields, of Ronan setting up a magical menagerie.
But I just don’t think it’s likely.

Even if they wake up Niall’s sleeping animals (which I believe they will, at some point), I don’t think Ronan would add to them. There’s always the chance that, when Ronan dies, they won’t be able to recreate the feat (we know it took the whole gang to wake the skeletons in the cave, and presumably doing it again would need that. Scientific method, baby). Who is going to be left to look after the farm? Adam. I wholeheartedly believe that Ronan would not want to leave him with that alone.

Think of the times Ronan has brought back living things: Matthew, Chainsaw, Opal. They were all accidental. (I don’t think much is mentioned about how deliberate the pale buck in TRK was, but correct me if i’m wrong).

He also knows how much of a drain on the line bringing back living things is. I can’t remember the exact quote since I don’t have the book on me at the moment, but there’s the bit in TDT where he says something about Cabeswater not appearing until after Niall’s death, because it couldn’t have the energy while Niall was carelessly dreaming an entire country for himself.

But imagine: 

  • Ronan working out that cross-breeds would probably stay awake when he dies, since he and Declan didn’t fall asleep when Niall died, being cross-breeds between a dream-creature and a natural being themselves 
  • Ronan going to cattle markets, trying to buy animals to breed with the dream cows at the Barns, realising he knows fuck all about farming and actual non-magical farm
  • Ronan reading up on farm management and putting his mind to studying it, because it matters to him and he knows it will have a practical impact on his life
  • Adam being so super proud of him for this, working for something rather than just being a gentleman of leisure, as he undoubtedly could be with his inheritence
  • Building up his own herd, partly his father’s but partly his own, just like he’s making the house his own and not just keeping it as a museum of his dead parents
  • There’s the odd animal that he brings back accidentally: a sheep with wool that can be spun into a garment perfectly waterproof that changes colour to match whatever you’re wearing, a chicken that lays gilded chocolate eggs he sells at the easter farmers’ markets, a cow that produces strawberry milkshake, but they’re few and far between
  • He dreams magic farm equipment that make things easier for him to manage, but don’t look too weird to inspectors

This is also why I really don’t like the idea of Ronan dreaming children for him and Adam. 

Because when Ronan dies, Adam will lose everything, and Ronan wouldn’t do that to him. I am 3000% certain of them deciding to adopt, because, apart from getting around that problem, both of them would absolutely want to help out kids in need (of course they get babies, because bringing in older kids to the magic of the Barns is going to be difficult in a secrecy “don’t tell your schoolmates that dad is magic” kind of way).

please add your own ideas about this!

Rosemary: The Ship That Sank the Homestuck Fandom

As you may or may not know, I was recently accused of hating lesbians. Seeing as how I ship Johnrose pretty feverishly, I get this a lot. As in, every time I fucking post something on the tag. So I decided to pull up one of my old essays on the matter. I posted this some months ago on Omegaupdate under the name ‘Salty.’ Enjoy.

Long post incoming.

I think the main reason I dislike Rosemary is for what it did to the characters in terms of progression; or, in this case, the lack thereof. Homestuck post-A5 always suffered from a certain kind of stagnation, wherein neither the characters nor the author really knew what to do next. John, Jade, and Davesprite stagnated on the Prospit battleship; the Trolls, Rose, and Dave stagnated on the meteor. Both of these derived from a lack of initiative to use this time in any constructive manner, i.e, not deal with the literal garbage fire of issues that they all had looming over them. Sure, they talked about Lord English and Bec Noir… kinda. Sure, they had a few confrontations with each other… kinda, and all those confrontations had to do with romantic entanglements which I can guarantee most of the fandom didn’t particularly care for. They didn’t even really have an antagonist–Gamzee never fit that role well, and was hardly utilized in such a way that made him anything more than another forgotten character, like most of the other trolls.

Not only were these conflicts uninteresting, however, but they never went anywhere. Like the characters themselves, they stagnated, and any hope we had for them to be resolved was washed away in the actual shitstorm that was the Retcon. Everyone got a happy ending off-screen where nothing was solved; ‘show-don’t-tell’ is a good rule of thumb for a reason, even if Hussie was so fixated on ‘subverting’ typical tropes like an A+ pretentious asshat too big for his britches. Which, along with stagnation, is a good way to describe A6 and beyond: too big for its britches. It tried too do much and stretched our characters too thin. Instead of being about four kids playing a game and being assholes on the internet, it became a teenage soap opera designed to pander to it’s most vocal demographic. And that killed the comic.

Now, you may be asking 'but Salty, what does this have to do with why you dislike Rosemary so much? You’re just talking about the problems with the comic itself, not the relationship!’

Well, like almost everything in Homestuck, these all correlate pretty close together.

To simplify, we’ll start at the beginning: I think Rose Lalonde is the best character pre-A6. She had a level of depth and nuance to her personality that inevitably made her the most interesting character. We actually gave a shit about that happened to Rose. I mean, we gave a shit about all the kids at that time, but especially Rose. Her Grimdarkness? Coming to terms with the fact that her Mother wasn’t the monster she thought she was, and that she hadn’t had nearly enough time with her? Just watching the way she grew as a person? Act 5 and before, she’s honestly the reason I think the comic was so successful, or at the very least a large contributor. Her character helped tie the others together, especially Dave and John.

Then we get to Act 6, and Rosemary becomes canon.

All that development? Thrown out the window. Rose becomes a drunk, and it never gets resolved; Rose admits she was a terrible daughter, has tremendous guilt over the death of her mother, but who cares? Time to make her the comic relief! Her powers are never truly utilized again,nor her connection with the Horrorterrors: her personal growth is stagnated, her intellect and, quite frankly, most of her defining personality traits are cast haphazardly by the wayside. Her entire personality begins quite rapidly to revolve around two things: drinking and… Kanaya.

Kanaya, her badass, chainsaw wielding GF, who has her own character slowly “develop” into a full-on Mary Sue. Kanaya, the troll she had the most contact with, but they were never shown to have anything more than an established friendship between them. Hell, their trope was originally supposed to be one of moirailship.

Rosemary suffered, albeit in a far lesser sense, what Davekat suffers from: it came out of nowhere, and then never went anywhere after. Sure, they were friends, and sure, Kanaya admired her, but what about Vriska? What about John? What about her other friends, and the game she just lost her mind to? What about all this buildup to these other relationships that never went anywhere, and seemingly got dropped off the face of the paradox space? Are we to believe that Rose and Kanaya are really so callous as to forget the others even existed, going about their day-to-day in a sick mockery of 'second best?’ I wanted to see those story arcs come to something.

I wanted to see John and Rose bond over losing a parent. 

I wanted to see Kanaya finally help Vriska turn her life around, and Vriska help Kanaya become less meddlesome. 

These are problems that were never solved because of Rosemary.

Hussie wanted so desperately to appease his 'fans’ that he forgot about plot-lines; character arcs; relationships; story. He made Rose gay not because he wanted to make her gay, but because he backed into a corner and gave into the mouth-frothing rabidness of his following. He didn’t know what to do with her. This would be the first time Hussie changed his script, but would not be the last. This is the first step, as I see it, into the downfall of the comic; it’s maddening descent into stagnation and Hussie’s continued reluctance to finish the story the way he wanted, to the point where he handed the comic over to 'funny twitter man’ Cohen because he just couldn’t deal with it anymore. 

Honestly, I can hardly blame him.

Do I have a problem with Rose, or any other Homestuck character for that matter, being gay? Of course I don’t. In fact, I would have loved it! I crave positive homosexual representation in the media. But for the love of god, what I didn’t want was forced, stagnated homosexuality just for the sake of having it. As a bisexual myself, I honestly found it insulting – are we really that easily pandered to, that easily placated? Is our community so obsessed with this backwards idea of 'representation’ that we don’t even care for it to be portrayed in a decent manner? Are we so desperate and shallow that we’ll scramble towards the most lackluster, half-assed content and call it genius just because it has two people of the same gender kissing? Others might – fuck, I know others will and have – but frankly, I like to think I have higher standards than the bottom of the barrel. No artist, no writer should ever have to jeopardize the integrity of their story in order to appease the arbitrary wills of some vocal group of fans who, frankly, don’t know jack-all about romance. 

Their story is their own; people read them because of what they wrote, not because of what others wanted, which is a lesson that Hussie seemed to unlearn post-A5 – hell, maybe even post-Problem Sleuth.

I honestly attribute this to the massive decline in Homestuck readers overall. This kind of pandering, along with the stagnation that followed, and, of course, the frequent pauses, turned off at least 75% of the readers by the end of the comic, and that estimate is generous at best. A7 didn’t even reach one million views. 2011 through 2013, you couldn’t even go on the internet without seeing something Homestuck related pop up out of nowhere. /hsg/ got banned on 4chan, something that hadn’t happened since the rise of /mlp/. Tumblr was constantly pumping out new content that stretch as far and wide as Homestuck itself. The subreddit was at an all-time high. Homestuck and it’s huge fan projects dominated the internet like no other piece of media had done before.

And then people couldn’t deal with it anymore, so they left. The fanfic writers, the artists, the theorists… almost all gone, with only a handful of good content creators still around to fill an ever-growing hole.

And guess what?

It all started with Rosemary.

anonymous asked:

I don't know why, but I feel like if Pap and Metta were to go to see a horror movie, both would want to try and act brave for the other. But two would end up just holding each other and screaming the entire time instead.

You right, but I think that depends on the horror movie.

Let’s not forget that Papyrus constructs puzzles and rigs traps for a hobby and Mettaton is a LITERAL CHAINSAW WIELDING MANIAC. If the movie has any campiness or outlandish methods of conflict, the dorks might actually enjoy it.

3

Imagine:

Living with Wade Wilson
•••

Dread consumed you as soon as you opened the door to your shared apartment. The smell for something burning wafted from the kitchen, a game of footie was playing on the TV and Wade Wilson, the infamous merc with the mouth, was no where in sight.

“Wade!” You called, kicking the door closed behind you with you foot before dumping the bags of groceries on the floor. “Where the hell are you?!”

The next second you found yourself almost shrieking at the top of your lungs, stopping yourself in time before any of your neighbours heard you by slapping a hand over your mouth.

Wade was rushing towards you at full speed. Or rather jumping as fast as he could towards you in the blood stained sleeping bag he was wearing, his arms sticking out where he had ripped holes along the sides.

“The fuck kind of kinky shit have you been up to?!”

Wade stopped mere inches away from you.

“Oh this?” He asked, looking down at the blood that covered his front. “It wasn’t anything as fun as that. Although it has given me a hard problem that you could help me solve.”

“Nah ah.” You said, side stepping him. “You can go find your unicorn and take care of yourself - in your room this time.”

“I can’t,” said Wade. “There has been a unfortunate accident involving pancakes, a chainsaw, and a very nasty man with a hideous goatee in there.”

Weekend happenings at work:
  • It seems the rival chain store has stopped selling guinea pigs. I get 3-4 calls a shift asking if we have them, and at least two people that come in and ask. Sadly, we have none, except the two in the back that have some sort of god-awful skin infection. And we have to treat them for four weeks.
  • Related: whatever mill breeder we get our animals from continually sends us sick guinea pigs. They always have respiratory infections or some sort of skin problem. Always. They have to go to a vet and get treated before they can be eventually sold, 2-5 weeks later. I’m concerned no one else but me seems to think this is a problem. =.=
  • A woman came in asking ‘what animals we sold’ claiming she’d never been in the store before. I swear I’ve seen her before. She’s almost eerily thin and has a voice like a chainsaw, smells faintly of smoke. Kinda distinct. I think she may have been here before and just didn’t remember.
  • That same woman hassled me for over an hour to show her almost all our animals. The rabbit up for adoption, all the cats (which we’re not supposed to show unless you’re serious about adopting them, which I could tell she wasn’t, but she wasn’t going to accept ‘no’). Talking to her, I learn she wants ‘an animal’ for her two year old daughter. Just for the two year old. I didn’t have the patience to explain to her why getting a random animal (she was seriously considering the rabbit, rats, a cat, and a snake) for her TWO YEAR OLD was a bad, bad idea. rabbits are such a huge commitment, for example - I turned her off the rabbit by telling her it could easily take her two year old’s finger off.
  • My manger pulled me aside and informed the ‘coupon woman’ was back, and not to bother with trying to tell her no. Intrigued, I watched the resulting transaction from over the cashier’s shoulder - this woman peeled FIFTY FIVE of the one dollar manufacturer coupons off of cat food cans and proceeded to use every. single. one. No only did the cashier have to stand there and scan them all, but later the manager has to count them all in the back when she closes the register. The kicker? those coupons are supposed to be one per transaction. But we all knew she’d demand fifty five transactions if we stuck to that rule, and no one present considered themselves paid enough to start an argument with her.
  • A woman and her two kids tried to purchase two gerbils from me, with two of the smallest kritter trail habitats we sell in their cart. (one for each child’s room). You have to understand, these ‘habitats’ are tiny death traps. They’re not even a foot long. They’re about as big as the boxes we send the animals home in. Bad bad bad. I managed to talk to her into buying two ten gallon aquariums, screen tops and silent spinner wheels, chews, and a decent food. Not how I would keep gerbils by a long shot, but better than the tiny death traps. It still left with me a queasy feeling as they left, mostly because the woman complained about all the money she spent along the way.
  • The story above is a best case scenario. An hour later I had to sell a hamster to a pair of kids who had just barely turned 18 (so I couldn’t decline on the basis they were minors) with the same habitat in their cart who wouldn’t hear anything from me. Of course they still got polite and dedicated customer service, but this kind of thing wears on me.
  • A good story: I sold a normal ball python to a woman who was surprising her husband with it. Surprising isn’t quite the right word, though - he had gotten the entire setup for Christmas, and they had waited to get the animal until he had done enough research and gotten everything set up. I was delighted beside myself. Her setup sounded good, she knew their humidity needs and asked what the snake was eating, frozen/thawed or live and was visibly relieved to hear it was taking f/t! For once, I was delighted to sell to her.

I don’t need to explain the plot to you. Teenagers get lost on the road, but find the chain saw that was in their hearts all along. What I do need to explain is what director Tobe Hooper did a decade later. After making Chain Saw, an alligator vs. hillbillies movie called Eaten Alive, a Stephen King adaptation, and (possibly) Poltergeist, he got hooked up with an insane little film production company called Cannon. Now, Cannon didn’t really have a strategy, unless you can call “More ninjas and robots and Chuck Norris!” a business model. But regardless of all of this, they were successful. Esque.

Tobe Hooper made three films with Cannon: Lifeforce, which is about a naked alien vampire woman, Invaders From Mars, which is about the non-naked type of alien, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, which is apparently the movie that Tobe Hooper had wanted to make to begin with. For years, he’d lamented the fact that people had ignored all of the jokes in the original Chain Saw, and for once, I’m on the side of the people. Kind of hard to find the punchline in a scene of a woman on a meat hook watching the love of her life get butchered in front of her. But maybe that’s just me.

To rectify this, Hooper filled Chainsaw 2 with black comedy. The movie starts with a yuppie half decapitation set to “No One Lives Forever” by Oingo Boingo, which I’m convinced is the greatest opening 10 minutes in horror history. And on the other side of the film, Dennis Hopper, whose five food groups in the 80s were all cocaine, has a chainsaw duel with Leatherface. And in between that is one long, echoing shout into the void of insanity. And the fact that Tobe Hooper made this because he saw his original, where a crippled boy gets sawed to death for no reason, and thought “WHY IS NO ONE LAUGHING?” makes it a beautiful piece of cinema.

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