it gives me lost feels

I don’t think we like to acknowledge how difficult it is to deal with jealousy and impatience. It’s so hard to look around you and feel like things are working out for everyone else while you struggle to get footing. Whether it’s for a job, a romantic relationship, or for life in general, it’s hard to persevere when you feel like you’re going nowhere fast while everyone else seems to have things going well.

3

“How are you to question me?” (x)

“This is my life. Observe and fight. Interrogate and meditate. On the bad nights, skip the meditation. Hard to focus with sixty levels of traffic echoing below…
… not to mention the bruises and other distractions.”
» Theron Shan, The Lost Suns

I crave your intamacy. I want to feel your skin pressed against my naked body, your tongue piercing my neck with its soft, yet vivid tip. Outline my body with its wetness. I want you to make my body tingle with excitement, while I’m dazed and lost in the physical feeling that you give to me. The sensation you give my entire body as you slip in gently. Touch me. Make me scream.
—  @alexiscpeckham

This may sound, stupid, but I need some reassurance.

Yesterday, I mentioned to my mother at the dinner table that I went to the occult shop. After all, the friend that told me about it had mentioned she wanted to go in, but with someone to back her up, so that’s the excuse I gave her. Being with there for a friend and curiosity. I talked about the pretty statues I saw, the books on mythology (which is a theme, that everyone who knows me, knows I’ve always loved), the beautiful rings, necklaces and “rocks”. 

When I said that part, I was surprised when she corrected me. Apparently she knew someone in high school who was into geology, and got pissed when people called crystals, “rocks”. 

I also talked about how it had an incredible variety of incense, and that I would surely go there when my stock ended. She laughed, saying she was surprised I got out empty handed (I got kinda nervous when she said that, because I got the amethyst, but didn’t tell her).

But then she said “But, you remember that is all a fraud, right?” She didn’t use exactly that word, she used an untranslatable Portuguese word that means the same thing. My stomach sunk, and I nodded. 

I come from a family that was raised as catholics, but don’t take it as seriously as they could. Science and facts, are above that. Everything, even the things with no explanation, has a scientific explanation. We just don’t have the resources to understand it yet. That’s how I feel about magick. It’s something we can’t exacly grasp yet. 

But for the people who surround me, it’s just a thing in stories and it doesn’t exist. Crystals don’t heal anything, that’s absurd. Meditating is just good for you. Pendulums are just gravity working. Tarot is a full on scam. Astral projecting is just your brain doing weird shit because you’re breathing in a certain way. Any weird occurrence or legend, is just something that people couldn’t explain at a certain time.

I always had hope, there was something more. Maybe some stories aren’t just stories (even if they’re exaggerated), maybe there’s something like the String Theory or the Placebo Effect, maybe we can shape the world around us in a strange way, maybe we have more power than we think. 

Three years ago, I found out that if I’m not feeling low, and start to sing (out loud, or in my mind) I can make the wind blow. Not much, but enough to give me some relief when the days are too hot. And that’s the story of how I found that aerokinesis is a thing. But most of the time, I actually constantly forget I can do that… It’s also a thing I don’t really understand. But, for some reason, I don’t feel the need to understand.

When I found witchcraft, it made sense to me. Not to mention I was surrounded with people with so much faith in what’s believed in. It felt so great. Sure, there are scams and coincidences, and I’ll never put science under magick, for they are at the same level, but there’s also real magic, right? 

I’m sorry for this rant-ish. I just feel lost and confused. Please give me some reassurance and some faith in what I’m doing. Maybe you also felt like me, once. If you did, please tell me.

I keep thinking about Sam Wilson

Sam Wilson, who has wings made of metal and human imagination.

He was a paramedic. The maneuverability of his wings, the speed of his flight are all so he would be able to bring help to places no ordinary man could reach.

Imagine a soldier, stuck somewhere in the Alborz mountains, injured and dying, knowing that no helicopter can reach them, that no one would dare. Imagine looking up in your fever and seeing a pair of wings silhouetted against the sky.

Except, it’s not an angel coming to ease your way. It’s a black man, voice calm and reassuring, bandages and shots of antibiotic in his gear. He says his name is Sam and he asks you for yours. He asks you about your lover, about your kids, about the places you grew up in. Then he flies you off the mountain, trying to be gentle, but it’s jarring, because you’re alive.

You wake up in the hospital on your army base and you recover. You meet the man again and learn that there are more people with wings, a whole team and that when they take those wings off, they show you pictures of their dogs and buy you a beer.

Sam Wilson is a paramedic with wings. A healer and a savior.

Now, imagine Sam losing those wings. No, first, imagine him losing a soldier.

‘Is this the first time you lost a soldier?’ No, there were many, when the wings weren’t fast enough or when the blood flowed too freely. There were plenty of times you’ve sat down with someone who was saved by a different type of angel.

But losing someone who shares your sky? That’s different. That’s the sunshine melting the wax on your wings until they turn to feathers and you’re in freefall.

So you go back to Washington. It’s not the City of Angels, but it’s your city.

After a month spent sleepless, watching the skyline for some hint of a star, you walk into a Veteran’s center and you sit in a room full of people whose wings are clipped like yours.

You’re grounded now, but you can still heal, so you use your voice and try not to think of screams and broken metal feathers.

You take up running, because when you go really fast, it reminds you of the wind rushing against your face in freefall.

There, you meet a man that shines like the sun, blindingly enough to cover up his cracks. But you’re used to being closer to the sun than most. You see.

So you do what you were meant to: you heal and offer solace. First, with your words and then, when words aren’t enough, with your wings.

You take them out of storage and they call you Falcon.

Many of you were Falcons in the dry heat of the desert. Now, in a familiar skyline, you are alone.

You defend and you fight, because there can be no healing if there’s no one left to heal.

You are Sam Wilson and you have wings.

On dedicating yourself to the Goddesses of Hyrule

Dedication to a deity is a very personal and serious rite. Oaths are taken very seriously in pretty much all paths, and it’s specific to the relationship between the deity and the devotee-to-be. Such vows should be carefully worded and thought over, as they can easily become a burden rather than a joy with too many loopholes.

Vows in Hyrule seem to be taken pretty seriously as well. Link often comes across wayward spirits and cursed people on his travels, trapped because they took an oath that they have yet to fulfill, or they broke one. Based on this, death does not seem to release you from a vow in Hyrule, at least not immediately. So be careful in the wording of any vow you make.

At first, I was going to try and write out individual vows for each Goddess, but after doing a little research and asking Hylia for guidance, I realized that, at best, I can give people a jumping off point. But I can’t really write it for you, because it’s going to be different for everyone. So, below, you’ll find the jumping off pieces I wrote. These are meant to be modified, changed and expanded to fit you, your needs, and your relationship to Hyrule’s goddesses. I hope you guys like them.

Din: “I come before you, Din, Goddess of Power, to dedicate myself to you. When you lift me from my own darkness with your red arms, I will know it is you. When you guard my peace I will know it is you, and when you upheave it to expand my comfort zone I will know it is you. I pledge myself to honor and serve you, and to uphold your virtue within my capabilities.”

Nayru: “Nayru, Goddess of Wisdom, I have chosen this day to dedicate myself to you. Your wisdom knows no bounds and it is you who guides me. When there are truths to behold you reveal them, gently when they are difficult and sternly when I may ignore them. I vow to honor and serve you within my abilities and uphold your virtue.”

Farore: “Dearest Farore, Goddess of Courage, I come before you to dedicate myself to you. You give me courage and hope when I feel lost. You encourage me to step outside my comfort and to improve myself, but also remind me not to be reckless. I vow to serve you and honor you to the best of my abilities, and to uphold your virtue.”

Hylia: “Hylia, her Grace, goddess charged with guarding the Triforce, this day I come to you in dedication. You defended the Surface from Demise and his horde, and guided the Hero. So do you guide and defend me. As you helped the Hero grow and guided him to balance in the virtues of the Golden Goddesses, so you guide me as well. I vow to serve you and honor you within my capabilities, and uphold the virtues of the goddesses.”

anonymous asked:

Hi! Could you give me some direction with Sexton's poetry please? I feel so lost..

Hey! No reason to feel lost when it comes to Sexton; getting around her poetry is fairly easy. As long as you decide to take (as wholeheartedly as possible) the full dive, that is (!!)

I’d suggest having a go at:

and in case you find out that you like her writing, then you can by all means purchase her Complete Poems (a superb collection.)

The way yugi screams “mou hitori no boku” here gives me the chills I mean he feels so lost and worried frustrated even that he can’t find atem they will be the death of me
Now imagine this after atem is gone forever

  • Warrior cats tag: Welcome to the warrior cats tag! Feel free to like whatever characters you want!
  • Warrior cats tag: Except those ones. You’re not allowed to even talk about them without explicitly mocking, insulting, or referring to them in a negative fashion with every other breath because they’re awful! If you don’t, it means that you’re an apologist, and that’s problematic!
  • Warrior cats tag: And you have to love these other characters! They’re absolutely perfect in every way, and if you don’t love them, then you’re a victim blaming piece of scum!
  • Warrior cats tag: Make sure to spam your headcanons so that the tag gets oversaturated! If you don’t have any queer headcanons, then you're queerphobic, but in the meantime you can have a good laugh at people who complain about the overabundance of headcanons by "conceding" that the awful characters (and exclusively them!) are cishet, even if they weren't talking about queer headcanons!
  • Warrior cats tag: Remember that there is absolutely nothing redeeming about this series at all, so don’t worry about anything you might find in the books or from the authors that contradicts you!
  • Warrior cats tag: Otherwise, have fun liking whatever characters you want!
  • Warrior cats tag: Unless you're over 18, because your choice to exist in the same area of a public space as minors is harmful and harassment and it's your responsibility to make sure that we never have to interact with you!
  • Warrior cats tag: :3c
3

I redrew one of my favourite drawings, it was really hard because I’m trying to be more accurate with anatomy (using lots of references), adding a detailed background for the first time and trying to improve with my shading at the same time. I wanted to give up so bad -.- but doing little by little after 2 weeks I finished it (I usually finish a drawing in two or three days). Hope it was worth it u.u

Still Beating (Part 2)

I place my head over my folded hands on my desk, letting out a gentle sigh. I tell myself it’s just to get some brief rest, but my body has other plans and I can’t help but doze off in the few minutes before Ms. Wilson begins her lecture on pathetic fallacy.

My body is trying to make up for the lack of sleep I had last night. The whole damn weekend, actually. I tossed and turned for hours before I finally fell asleep on Friday night. The face finally had a name, and I couldn’t stop thinking about Harry. I don’t know him, I don’t want to know him, but he holds an odd significance to me. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t know about Aiden—or doesn’t treat me differently if he does—or maybe it’s because he’s one of the only people at this school I’ve actually had more than one conversation with this year. Excluding Liam and Maggie, of course.

The rest of the weekend was spent going farther-than-necessary ahead into each of the course syllabi. When I wasn’t taking a nap, I was reading textbooks, making notes on things I probably wouldn’t be tested on, but did so anyways to take up time. When the sky outside my window grew dark, I’d leave my things the way they were and crawl into bed, but sleep came only at the last possible second.

And now I’m paying for it.

My head snaps up as I hear the chair next to me scrape against the floor.

“Hey,” Harry says quietly.

I know it’s him before I even look. It’s that voice, and the chills it sends down my spine. I wrap my arms over my body protectively.

“Hi,” I say shortly, my lack of sleep eliminating my manners.

“Someone’s woken up on the wrong side of the bed.” I can hear the teasing smile in Harry’s voice. Once again, his feet are perched on the table in front of him and his arms are bent behind his head. Cozy.

I mumble something incoherent in response and focus on opening up my laptop—something I should have done already—and try not to get distracted by Harry’s loud huff. He wants to converse with me. Ms. Wilson begins and I dutifully take notes until a peculiar noise catches my attention.

I turn my head discreetly to the side and out of the corner of my eye see Harry pushing a take-away coffee cop across the table. It makes an unpleasant scratching sound.

“What are you doing?” I hiss quietly. But it’s not quiet enough, because a boy two rows ahead of us who is using his backpack as a pillow turns around and shushes me. I don’t acknowledge him.

Harry continues to push the coffee cup closer to me and the paper rubbing against the table continues to be bothersome. When I feel the warmth hit my hand, he speaks.

“It looks like you could use it more than me this morning, Sienna,” Harry says. He’s not smiling but there’s a tenderness in his voice that I think makes rare appearances.

“I don’t want your coffee,” I grumble.

“I think you do,” he says lightly, tapping the dark skin underneath my eyes.

The skin where Harry touched feels like it is on fire. It was more a caress than a tap. Involuntarily, I lean away from him.

“I’m fine,” I insist.

“Take the damn coffee, Sienna.”

I do. But only because I really need it.

“Thanks,” I say in between sips.

“No problem,” Harry says, extremely satisfied I accepted his gift. Like last week, he goes on to do about a billion little things to annoy me. He taps his pencils against the table, shoots paper balls into the recycling bin and generally looks smug like he has no care in the world. Because he probably doesn’t.

“What time did you get home yesterday?” I ask Evan, whose sitting across the table from me in Fresh Grinds, a small café on campus.

He doesn’t look any more rested than I do as he sips his coffee tentatively. I opted for an herbal tea instead, having just finished the coffee Harry gave me. I don’t share this with Evan. I want to keep it as a little secret between Harry and myself.

“A little after nine. I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible,” Evan says, tracing his finger along the lines on the wooden table top.

“Yeah, of course. How is your grandmother?”

Evan’s eyes widen and he turns to look out the window before responding. “She’s good, I mean, as good as she could be. It’s pneumonia but the doctors are still checking for complications.”

I nod, thinking about how uncomplicated it was with Aiden when the doctors first looked at him. Dead, they told us. It doesn’t get any simpler than that.

“So anyways,” Evan changes the subject. “How was your weekend? What did you do?”

“I mostly just studied, nothing too exciting. Although I did go to a party at the frat house on Friday night,” I add reluctantly. I remind myself that I shouldn’t feel guilty for having fun while others suffer. If everyone thought like that, no one would ever enjoy themselves.

“No way! The frat house? Man, those parties are the best! I’m glad you went. Was it fun?”

I take a sip of my drink. “Trust me, you didn’t miss much. Just a bunch of stupid kids drinking too much.”

Evan smirks. “Well, if it’s okay with you, I’d like to be one of those ‘stupid kids who drinks too much,’ this Friday night. And I kind of don’t want to do it alone.”

His eyebrows raise expectantly.

“Oh, no. God, no. One party is more than enough.”

“Come on Sienna, please?” He bats his blue eyes and I roll my own.

I give up my resolve. The last party wasn’t so bad. I ignore my subconscious who reminds me that’s only because I ran into Harry.

“Fine. But we leave by 9.”

“11.”
“7 o’clock.”

“10 o’clock it is,” Evan says under his breath.

When I step into Right Round Records Wednesday afternoon, there’s only two people in the store, and each of them is wearing a navy blue vest with a name tag on it.

“Well, business is certainly booming,” I mumble as I make my way to the coat rack.

Maggie nods her head and rolls her eyes good-naturedly. The one thing we manage to agree on is the fact that three employees is too much for a store that hardly has any customers. I say hello to Liam, who is his usual golden retriever-like self.

I go about my work quietly, concentrating on a task that is so simple I could do it in my sleep. Liam and Maggie converse amongst themselves, telling jokes and sharing anecdotes. I feel a crunched up ball of paper hit my back. I hear Maggie chatting obliviously in the background as I unfold it. I’m aware of Liam’s steady gaze on my body.

“You okay?” it says.

I smile a little and give Liam a half-hearted thumbs up. I’m not sure what I should do next, so I let our exchange die awkwardly.

It’s five minutes to closing and we’re just puttering by the cash, waiting for the clock to expire. The doorbell sounds and Maggie tends to the customer with the impeccable timing.

My phone buzzes and although I tend to not check my phone during work hours, I make an exception.

“Shoot,” I say aloud, reading Evan’s message.

“What’s wrong?” Liam asks, all too concerned.

I sigh. “Nothing, really. Just Evan and I had plans this Friday night and he’s just cancelled.”

“Idiot,” he says. A light pink flush covers his cheeks when he realizes he’s said that aloud.

I give a small smile. “It’s okay, I didn’t really want to go to another party, anyways.”

Liam’s eyes light up. What is with these boys and parties anyways? “I can go with you if you want,” he offers.

I want to say no, but saying no to Liam is like saying no to an innocent child. “Sure,” I say finally. “Maybe Maggie wants to tag along.” I don’t particularly want Maggie there, but I also don’t want Liam getting any ideas from us going together, alone.

His face falls. “Uh, actually, I heard her say she’s busy this Friday.”

I don’t care enough to question if that’s actually true.

Maggie returns to the register just as the clock strikes nine, signalling the end of our shift.

“What did I miss?” she asks, red hair bobbing as she walks.

“Not much,” Liam says, smiling, giving me a quick look.

I feel bad when I see Maggie’s cheeks flush, thinking that his smile was directed at her.

The party starts off similarly to the last one. The lawn is practically destroyed and I can hear the music blaring from inside the car as we pull onto the grass to park. Surprisingly, I’m relieved to have arrived because that means there’s now more than two feet of space between Liam and myself. I didn’t put in much effort into my appearance tonight to hopefully quell any of his feelings for me, but even with my old converse and messy ponytail, he still tells me I look beautiful when he picks me up.

I decline the red cup as I walk in the door and I’m thankful when Liam does the same. He’s driving and I’m glad he didn’t give me that bullshit ‘it’s only one beer excuse.’

I feel lost at the party, like I’m waiting for something and I follow Liam because I sure as hell have no clue where to go. We walk to the backyard, where Liam apparently likes to spend most of his time at these things.

As we walk through the living room, my eyes land on Harry and my insides flip. His presence excites me for some reason, although it’s not exactly a shock to see him here. I’m thinking of him as the cool air hits my face. The backyard smells heavily of cigarettes and beer. We find a bench to sit on and I pat it to make sure it’s dry before I take a seat. Liam and I make small talk about the new shipment of band merchandise we expect to receive but I know there’s something else on his mind. He seems nervous, and I purposely bring up Evan to discourage him from saying something that’ll make us both uncomfortable.

A cool breeze runs through, sending a shiver down my back. Liam scoots closer so that our knees are touching. He makes a facial expression like he’s savouring the moment and I can’t take it any more.

“Do you mind if we go back inside?” I say suddenly, jumping from my seat.

“Yeah, sure. It’s pretty chilly,” Liam says easily.

I nod and purse my lips, figuring there’s no harm in letting him think that.

The main floor is more crowded than it was when we arrived. Part of that is because more people have showed up, but it’s also because some kid decided he wants he live out his dream of being a DJ for a night and is corralling people onto the “dance floor.”

My body gravitates to the edge of the room but Liam pulls my hand, a huge grin on his face. “Come on, let’s dance!”

The pretend DJ isn’t half-bad and I find myself genuinely enjoying dancing stupidly with Liam. Pretty much every other patron is drunk, so that helps me to feel more comfortable with my two left feet.
Liam is doing some cheesy two step and I laugh out loud, my body bending forward. In the spur of the moment, he puts his hands around my back and squeezes gently. I take a step back and the look of dejection on Liam’s face makes me feel guilty. My head looks side to side, looking for a distraction and I see Harry near the front door with a cup in his hand. I feel a wash of heat when I see that he’s been watching me. He’s giving me that smirk as he cocks his head to the side, signaling me to leave with him.

“Hey, Liam,” I say distractedly, “There’s someone here I want to talk to for a bit, okay? I’ll be back, I promise.”

Before I even give him a chance to respond, my feet are leading me to Harry as if there’s an invisible string between us.

“Your boyfriend looks sad,” Harry says, leaning his tall frame into me as we walk side by side out the front door.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” I correct, not shying away from the proximity.

“Ah. One of your many admirers I’m assuming,” he winks.

I duck my head to hide my blush, but the corners of my mouth betray me by turning upwards.

“I’d say ‘many’ is a bit of a stretch.”

“Tomato, tomato,” he says, waving his hands as if to say ‘pish-posh.’ “But that’s too bad,” Harry continues. “I think the two of you would make a cute couple. Like a puppy and a deer.”

I raise my eyebrows at him. He shrugs. I try to ignore the weird sting that comes from Harry saying he wouldn’t mind me being with someone other than him. But then the thought that I actually have a boyfriend—who is neither Liam nor Harry—hits me like a ton of bricks.”

“You kind of remind me of Babmi. I thought that as soon as I saw you. Like a cute little wooden creature.”

My head is pointed towards the ground because it’s so dark I want to make sure I don’t trip on anything hiding in the grass. We’re walking towards the far area of the lawn, where the long driveway hits the road. Even without looking at Harry, I can hear the tease in his voice.

I admit, the odd nickname suits me. “Well, looks like Liam and my ‘many admirers’ are out of luck. I already have a boyfriend.”

I get a secret thrill of pleasure at the way Harry’s face falls momentarily, but he recovers quickly.

Someone across the lawn calls Harry’s name and he tells me to hang tight before he jogs over to them. I don’t want to stand alone awkwardly, so I take a few more steps so that I blend in better with the crowd in front of me.

There’s no more than twenty faces. They’re all are unfamiliar and none seem particularly friendly. Several cases of beer are scattered across the area and some people are sitting on milk crates while the others are sitting in their cars with the doors open.

An unpleasant feeling is gnawing at my insides and I can’t shake it. Aside from a few perverted glances, no one really addresses me. A guy wearing a beanie with hair sticking out at the back tosses me a can of beer and I let it fall to the ground.

No one is paying anyone much attention and it takes me a few moments to realize that they’re watching something. I turn around to see where Harry is and I can make him out under a street lamp still deep in conversation. The sound of two cars screeching against the road as they turn the bend recklessly grabs my attention and the small group erupts in drunken applause.

My heart climbs into my throat.

“Alright, who’s next?” The asshole in the flannel shirt driving one of the cars says as he steps out of his vehicle. He points to his friend driving the other and says, “You owe me fifty bucks, fucker! I won fair and square.”

“A hundred dollars this time!” A guy says, standing up from the grass. He can barely get up on his own and with my own eyes I saw him crush two cans of beer. The crowd oohs and aaahs at the apparently high wager.

“Alright, we need someone to take on this asshole,” the flannel shirt ring leader declares. A guy with his hat on backwards approaches him and Flannel Shirt gives him a once over. “No way man, you’re too sober, it won’t be an equal match. How can we tell who is the better drunk driver if you’re not even fucking drunk man?”

I’m not sure what I’m trying to accomplish but before he can utter another word, I’m in his face and my hands are colliding with his chest.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I scream. Moisture is pooling in the corners of my eyes out of anger. “Are you fucking crazy?”

He gives me a look like I’m bat shit crazy and just as I’m about to smack my right hand across his cheek a pair of strong arms wrap around my waist, pulling me back.

“Sienna!” Harry yells. He’s standing so close to me but the ringing in my ears make his voice sound like a mere whisper. Momentarily I’m thrown off by his touch and I let him pull me away like a ragdoll. His hands are firmly gripping the tops of my arms.

“What the fuck is going on?” He says, his green eyes wide.

“Harry, my man!” We’re uninterrupted by the bastard I assaulted. “We’ve been waiting for you. You’re up!”

I shoot daggers at Harry. He knows I know what’s going on and looks mildly afraid. “Are you apart of this?” I demand.

He stutters, not forming a coherent response. “I don’t drink,” he says, as if that somehow gives me something to hold onto. “Here, take my cup, it’s only water.” He picks up the red cup from the small table from where he was standing earlier.

I bring the cup to my nose, and his words are confirmed. I’m glad. It makes throwing the cup in his face that much easier.

Harry is standing soaked and shocked when I hear my name being called.

“Sienna!” Liam says. “I’ve been looking for you! You said you’d be back!” It’s the first time Liam’s ever been angry with me, but when he turns around and sees my tear stricken face, his face contorts into an expression of concern.

“Let’s just go,” I whisper to him. “I’m sorry.”

“You! I don’t know what the fuck you did but stay the hell away from her!” Liam yells at Harry.

I’m a few feet in front of Liam when he begins to walk back to his car. I begin to walk faster, almost at a jog, and wait for him to catch up. I fight the urge to kick the tire of the innocent Civic.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

We’re parked in front of the dormitory and as much as I want to crawl under my bed for the remainder of the year, I can’t find the energy to move. I barely shake my head.

“Well, can you at least tell me what was going on? Who that guy was?”

I decide Liam deserves some answers. “He’s no one, trust me,” I say, talking about Harry. My stomach churns. I feel betrayed somehow, like I’ve lost someone all over again. But I know it’s bizarre. Briefly I explain the fun party game they were playing.

“Wow, that’s pretty fucked up,” Liam says finally, staring straight ahead. “I’m really sorry you had to go through that. All of it.”

I close my eyes and nod in response. I feel a gentle hand touch my shoulder.

Liam inhales loudly. “Look, Sienna. Seeing you that upset, right then, like, it did something to me. I can’t really explain it without sounding like an idiot, but I care about you. I just care about you so much. And I know you have a boyfriend, but I swear to you if you’re with me you won’t hurt nearly as much…” His words form one long mumbling blur.

You can’t be doing this right now, I want to scream. He can’t be doing this. I don’t want him to be doing this. Because I know how this ends. And it doesn’t end well. Because the last person who said this to me was my best friend. And I rejected him like I want to do to Liam. We’re friends, I said. I get it, he said. But he didn’t, because if he really did get it Aiden wouldn’t have gone to the bar as soon as our conversation was over. And he wouldn’t have drove home drunk. And he wouldn’t have crashed into the tree. And I wouldn’t have been obsessing over our conversation, wondering if maybe my feelings were the same as his. But in the middle of the night I got the call, and now I’m obsessing over the conversation because it’s the last one we’ve ever had.

“Um, Sienna, you’re looking a little green. Are you okay?” Liam asks. I’m snapped back to reality.

“Just a little dizzy,” I say. “Look Aiden, we’re friends, and while I’m flattered, I just want to be friends.”

Liam looks at me funny. “You just called me Aiden.”

“Liam. I meant Liam,” I say robotically. I shift in my seat uncomfortably. “And I meant what I said.”

He slumps back in his chair. “Figures. No nice, beautiful girls like me.”

Liam feels sorry for himself. He feels sorry for himself. I feel partly responsible. Again.

“Look, that’s not true. I’m not the girl for you, but I know someone who happens to really like you. And I mean really.”

Liam’s brows knit together, intrigued.

“Maggie,” I say casually. All of a sudden I’m a matchmaker.

“Huh,” is all Liam says. I can see him thinking of her in that way and his lips curl into a smile.

I want to leave on this good note so I quietly thank Liam for driving me home. He apologizes for the night, but I tell him it’s not his fault.

It’s mine.

Here is Part 2! I’d love to hear from you! x

what makes me sad about the whole scandal surrounding top is that it supports this feeling I had about him for a few years now - that he is actually a sad man deep inside. now, I personally don’t really judge him for smoking weed. there are far worse things he coud’ve consumed imo. nevertheless it IS a crime in korea and I’m sure he is aware of that. I don’t quite understand what made him do this. but it gives me this weird feeling that he is just feeling lost or even lonely. someone who had reached all his dreams, seen it all, done it all and who just doesn’t care anymore. that’s why I think he’s drinking and smoking so much, too. 
I could totally see too much in this. maybe he just acted impulsively. everyone makes mistakes. but just thinking about this breaks my heart. 

Am I trying too hard to hold onto relationships that I should just let go of already? I feel like I try so hard to stay friends and to stay in touch when I get 0% effort from the other person. Is that a sign that these friendships are over? Should I just let these people go…?