it gets worse* every time i look at it

“If your going to fall in love with me, here are some of the things you should know beforehand. I cry often. Whether it’s during a movie, a sad song on the radio, or a regular Sunday morning. I’ll cry even when I speak of things that have hurt me, even if they no longer hurt anymore. I am afraid of being left. And I am afraid of not being good enough. I will tell you the ways in which I hate myself, and not believe a single word you say when you disagree with each and every reason. You can tell me you love me countless times, but I will still be afraid of you learning me. Don’t blame yourself. I have to expect the worse, because I always get the worst. When I fall in love with you, I will love each crack in your skin and every freckle of light in your eyes. I will fall in love with the way you look while you’re sleeping, and the way your mouth curves when you say my name. I can be difficult to love, but for me loving you will always be so easy. All I ask is that you don’t give up on me, and in return, I will never give up on you. And I will love you with my entire heart. And if one day you decide to leave, I will still think highly of you. I will still remember the kind hearted person you are.”

-anonymous

pixeldemographics  asked:

For Snowdrift: What’s the best part in being a detective?

S: Answers. The more you look into things, the more knowledge you gain. You can never have too much knowledge, if you ask me. Knowledge is power. I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time, it started with my dad writing quite a lot of crime articles when I was a teenager. He could only go and interview whoever was working on the case…or worse, look, describe, and assume. Intriguing, but not satisfying, at least not in my opinion. I love observing, looking for clues, reorganise everything I know until I can see a link. Like…isn’t it fascinating? You take all these tiny, random details, move them around, add some of your own knowledge…and suddenly they get you one step further. The feeling that you get when things suddenly start to line up…I couldn’t imagine my life without it. Every time I solve a case, I feel like I could do anything for a while. No detail would escape me, no mystery would remain uncovered. Of course, that’s not how it really works, but I do come pretty damn close. I guess you just need to think a certain way, and me, investigating is my life. Every asshole I take from the world is an asshole for me to study. I know, that sounds creepy, but…there is so much more behind all the crime than we think. The more I find out about different cases, motives and criminals, the more correlations I will see…hopefully. Patterns they follow. I want to get behind it, behind everything. I love mysteries, I can’t stand it when they stay mysteries. They’re just waiting to be uncovered, and I’m here to uncover. I watch, I take, I learn. It’s that simple.

today’s mood of the day

complete lack of faith in your artistic ability and just a smidge of existential crisis.

Steven’s Mental Health in Season 4...

…and why he didn’t save the Rubies, unbubble Bismuth, or confront his feelings about Jasper.

Because there is a reason, brought to light by the events of I Am My Mom, and it fits rather well with Steven’s character as of late.

Throughout Mindful, he doesn’t want to think about what he’s gone through because his personal trauma from it is just too great. But then it all comes crashing down at the end, and he forces himself to confront it, right?

Well no, actually. At the end of the episode, Stevonnie just lands in the field and smiles at the sky. At the time, I criticized this for being a quick resolution, but now I realize that that was never a resolution at all: It was just Steven burying his emotional problems even deeper so that not even Stevonnie could be affected by them.

That’s why he doesn’t immediately go to make amends with Bismuth or Jasper or Eyeball: The traumatic stress he associates with their encounters override any sense of empathy he has towards them, and he subconsciously tries to forget so he doesn’t feel that guilt and can just go back to the way things were before (much like a certain singing Diamond he’s heard so much about…)

I think that once Steven’s mental state improves, he’ll consciously try to make amends.

Take a look at the next time Steven’s issues came to a boil, Steven’s Dream: This time, all it takes is a simple question from Steven and a panicked outburst from Garnet to drive Steven into an angry rant about “everyone lying” to him. The problems from Mindful were still eating away at Steven, he probably just didn’t realize it because he was pretty much avoiding those thoughts altogether, and for a while, it was working.

So, Steven goes to Korea, Greg gets kidnapped, and now Steven has a whole new set of things to be guilty over. No matter how justified his actions might have been, Steven’s biggest character flaw is his guilt complex, so he inherently feels responsibility for what happened. (And this isn’t recent, we saw a glimpse of it in Message Received when he blamed himself for Peridot’s supposed betrayal)

However, in the episode Steven’s just too busy worrying about his dad to hear “Oh Steven we’re so sorry” and he rushes them into space. They run into the Rubies and Steven does say “We’ll pick them up on the way back” but pay attention to his tone of voice: It doesn’t sound like he’s saying “Oh no they’re out here we have to save them,” he’s saying “Yeah yeah those guys yeah let’s get back to work and save dad okay” because Steven wasn’t exactly in the best emotional state at the time. I can completely understand his subconscious just NOT wanting to think about the Rubies at all because the events of Bubbled leaving a lingering negative connotation.

After Steven gets back, he’s forced to confront his demons yet again in Storm in the Room, but hey! Everything’s fine in the end because Greg got pizza and it’s all smiles…

Until we get to Lion 4 and he’s right back in the thick of an existential crisis. Sure, he gets a talk with Greg and this is resolved in the end…but is it?

Because by the end of that very week, Steven is giving himself up to be executed in his mother’s place. And all it took was a small mistake he made long ago, and a scenario in which there were no other immediate options.

So, to answer the question of why Steven supposedly let others suffer throughout season 4, it’s because he is suffering himself. He’s been wallowing in it all season, and he hasn’t done anything substantial about it because in his mind that’ll just make things worse and make himself a burden to others. I mean, look at what happened every time his true feelings rose to the surface:

- Mindful Education: Connie almost fell to her death.

- Steven’s Dream: Greg got kidnapped.

These were things that were resolved in the immediate, sure, but long-term? Steven doesn’t want anyone to get hurt, and he’s been indirectly led to believe that by confronting his problems, he’ll just cause others harm.

So we get to I Am My Mom, and he’s given a way out: Sure, he *thinks* he’s doing it to save the Earth and his friends, but subconsciously he’s doing it because it’s his ticket out of the mess he’s been stuck living in for the past four seasons.

The takeaway I get from Season 4 is that Steven’s emotional issues are much bigger than anyone could suspect, and that a million “Sorry’s,” “It’s not your fault’s,” fusion therapy sessions, and sweet words & smiles can only help him so far.

This isn’t the season of Steven letting people suffer for no reason; It’s the season of Steven suffering himself without anyone taking enough notice to do anything, to the point where he inadvertently lets people suffer out of his own desire to not make things worse.

“Don’t worry,” Greg & the Gems probably told themselves after Bubbled, Mindful Education, and the Zoo arc, “Steven’s fine now. See? He’s happy, he must be fine. We told him it was alright, he must be fine. If there was something wrong, we would know about it. He’s doing fine.”

Well he wasn’t.

Have you ever stopped to think about why you really want to lose weight?

And I’m not talking about the obvious reasons of,
“I want to feel better” or “I want to look good”.

Every time you come up with a reason, ask yourself why.

Eventually you’ll come down to the REAL reason of why you want to lose weight.

I’ve mentioned it in previous posts about how weight is just a symptom of a deeper pain.

Here’s my weight cycle:

Feeling unworthy of love and acceptance.

Then going on a diet to achieve a certain body that I thought would get people to love and accept me.

I would fail at that and feel worse.

Even more unworthy than when I started.

So what would I do?

Try again.

Go on a diet, fail, feel like shit, hate myself and repeat.

If this you, it’s time to take a different approach. Contact me me and let’s work to find the root issue of your weight struggle and unhappiness.

instant gratification 03 (m)

Originally posted by bangtan7beyondthescene

➾10.8k 

➾ smut, angst, fluff

➾the final part of this series, please read the first three parts if you haven’t!

instant gratification 01 | 02 | 2.5


It’s like time has slowed to an ambling crawl, and all that ever exists has ceased to matter; except in this room with the three of you standing, facing each other like fighters in a ring. All you’re aware of is the way your breath has frozen over in your chest, and the way Jeongguk is clutching something so tightly in his hand, mirroring your own fisted palm.

“Jeongguk, no,” the sound of your voice pierces through the tense atmosphere, and is that really your voice? Why does it sound so unconvincing, so lacking in resolve, so broken? You clear your throat and attempt to try again, because your eyes are locked on Jeongguk’s own milky caramel ones, filled with a murky rage that threatens to break past the surface. “Jeongguk, this is not what it looks like, I swear-“

He only responds with an acerbic laugh that’s short and cutting, and it makes every breath you take feel razor sharp.

Keep reading

I realized belatedly that this looks like a Progression of Fucks Given by Elim Garak, from ”ZERO FUCKS GIVEN to “FAR TOO MANY FUCKS FOR THIS LIZARD’S COMFORT” to “SISKO WOULD YOU STOP PUNCHING ME FOR LIKE ONE MINUTE”

…every time I look at it, the watermelon outfit gets a little worse.

Acting - Dylan O’Brien (Smut)

Song: Alessia Cara - Wild Things

Rating: MA (17+ for Explicit Content)

Pairing: Reader x Dylan O’Brien

Word Count: 3,191

Warning: Exhibitionism(sort of), Oral (M>F), NSFW

NO LONGER TAKING REQUESTS!

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

I really loved your I Love You, Bambette! Series, and I just wanna know if you have any tips for new writers. :000 I LOVW YOUR ARTT

Thank you! I’m so glad you read “I Love You, Bambette!”; it’s my proudest accomplishment. Looking back at it, even I’m impressed!

Writing Tips

I’m not an expert on writing by any means, but here are some things I learned from making “I Love You, Bambette!”:

  1. Starting is the hardest part
    A blank page is any artist’s worst enemy. I had to force myself to put something on paper, no matter how stupid or messy it sounds. Everyone’s first draft is garbage, but that means it’ll only get better, never worse. 
  2. Build off a few essential scenes
    Before writing the final arc, I had a list of “must-have” scenes. Think huge, climactic moments. One such scene was Oda floating in a sea of stars. This guided the course of my story and kept me inspired. 
  3. Every story has a beginning, middle, and end
    Seems obvious, but the key point is clarity. There should be clear points where the story began, the story escalated, and the story got resolved. Look into the three-act structure for details.
  4. Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite
    I rewrote the final arc about eight times. With each draft, I waited a few days, then a better story would come up. Take the plunge: ditch the old story and work on the better one. It’s tedious and frustrating, but the end result pays off.
  5. Use dialogue with purpose
    Dialogue is a story device, not a way to dump information. People don’t always say what they feel. They do stupid things, tell lies and wear masks. Sometimes even they don’t know what they’re thinking. Try to favor action over words, but realize that even talking can be an action.
  6. Write from the heart
    More than anything, the final arc of “I Love You, Bambette!” is a confession. It comes from a personal place, which means it’s a story that only I can tell. Anyone with a brain can write a good story, but until you put your heart on the line, you can never write a great story.

If you want more concrete story tips, there are a lot of resources online. Read essays and watch interviews from your favorite creators (Miyazaki’s essays are great). The “Once upon a time…” game is a good way to exercise story structure.

To new followers: if you haven’t read it already, you can click here to read my webcomic “I Love You, Bambette!” If you like what I do on this blog, I think you’ll like it!

anonymous asked:

idk if this has been done but how about mc lyric pranking the rfa+v+saeran? can be sfw or nsfw!

Saeran: Little Did You Know by Alex and Sierra 

You: Little did you know...

Saeran: Don’t tell me you ate my ice cream. 

You: How I’m breaking while you fall asleep, Little did you know… 

Saeran: Muffin, what are you talking about? Tell me, please remember no secrets between us 

You: Im still haunted by the memories…. Little did you know I’m trying to pick myself up piece by piece…

Saeran: Look I know I don’t deserve you okay but please tell me how can I help you because (y/n) you helped me pick up my pieces please babe please let me know how to help you… your scaring me…

You: Underneath it all, I’m held captive by the hole inside, Ive been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind…. 

Saeran: Please.. don’t tell my.. my biggest fear is coming true… please.. noo.. lets talk about this when I get home… please..

You: Im ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight 

Saeran: NO PLEASE NO IM SORRY PLEASE (Y/N) IM SORRY PLEA-

You: COOKIE IM SORRY ITS JUST A SONG I LOVE YOU… I ATE YOUR ICE CREAM IM SORRY… 

Saeran: @$#%! HDFGJQN GD^!*@ 

Jumin: Ego by Beyonce 

You: Aw, baby, how you doing? You know I’m gonna cut right to the chase, huh? Some women were made But me, myself? I like to think that I was created For a special purpose, You know? What’s more special than YOU? You feel me?

Jumin: Continue Kitten

You: It’s on, baby let’s get lost, You don’t need to call in to work ‘cause you’re the boss, For real, want you to show me how you feel, I consider myself lucky, that’s a big deal, Why

You: Well, you got the key to my heart, But you ain’t gonna need it, I’d rather you open up my body, And show me secrets you didn’t know was inside, No need for me to lie

Jumin: Keep going my love, you have my full attention *he exits the limo* 

You: It’s too big, Its too wide, its too strong, it won’t fit, its too much, it’s too tough, You got a big ego, such a huge ego, I Love your big ego..

*you hear the door open and then you felt your back lightly hit the couch* 

*You see jumin licking his lips and suddenly you felt his hot breath tickling your neck* 

Now now my kitten, lets see you stroke *grabs your hand and puts it on his crotch* this ego and lets make it fit shall we? 

Seven: Acquainted by The Weekend 

You: Baby you’re no good, caused they warned me bout your type, got me ducking left and right

Seven: You got that right ;)

You: You got me touchin on your body, to say that were in love is dangerous, but seven I’m glad we’re acquainted 

Seven: Really having my d**k in your mouth means that we are just acquainted.. WE ARE NOT EVEN FRIENDS. I THOUGHT WE WERE DATING. FINE IF YOU DONT APPRECIATE ME.. ILL FIND SOMEONE WHO DOES!! I AM HURT THAT YOU DEGRADED EVERYTHING WE HAVE TOGETHER 

Seven: Oh and if I was you, I would pick a song that we didn’t fuck to :) love you see you in 10 mins!! 

V: Gotta Catch em All - Pokemon Theme Song 

You: I want to be the very best, like no one ever was 

V: Hello my precious angel :) I hope you can accomplish your dreams and be the best in your field! Know I love and support you always! 

You: To catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause! 

V:  …… 

You: I will travel across the land, searching far and wide!

V: Teach Pokemon to understand!!!! The power that’s inside!!!! Pokemon, (gotta catch them all) its you and me!!!!!!! I know its my destiny!!!!

You: Pokemon, (gotta catch them all) its you and me, I know its my destiny
Pokemon, oh, you’re my best friend!!!!! In a world we must defend, Pokemon, (gotta catch them all) a heart so true!!!Our courage will pull us through

V: YOU TEACH ME 

YOU: AND I TEACH YOU!! 

V: POKEEMOOONN

YOU: POKEEEMOOOON !! I never would of that the amazing, carefree, would know the Pokemon theme song! I never knew you liked those stuff :

V: I like to be a bit mysterious… it goes with me.. Me and Jumin use to battle each other all the time..We still do…. I started with popplio.. he started with Rowlet… 

You: Dont fuck with my litten.

Yoosung: Burn by Usher 

You:  Its going to burn for me to say this but its coming from my heart 

You: It’s been a long time coming, we da been fall apart 

Yoosung: Baby do you need me to call an ambulance!! ARE YOU AT THE APARTMENT A HEART BURN SOUNDS SERIOUS 

You: I really want to work this out but I don’t think you’re gonna change

Yoosung: Have I done something wrong? :( I know you are out of my league, I hear my classmates whispering how can a pathetic guy like me have someone so beautiful as you :( 

You: I think its best we go our separate ways… 

Yoosung: I always dreamed of this day coming.. first… sally left… then Rika… and now you… I… respect your wishes (y/n).. can you please.. just wait till my last class is over? May I have permission to buy you your favorite flowers and food because if this is going to be my last time seeing you, I want to have a good memory of you….

You: *dies* *guilt* *his heart shattered* *your heart is shattering* YOOSUNG IM SORRY IT WAS A JOKE A LYRIC PRANK IM SORRY!!! YOU KNOW IM IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!! IM SORRRY 

Yoosung: WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO PLAY WITH MY HEART WHEN YOU KNOW ITS YOURS *SENDS CRYING EMOJI*

Zen: Pullin me Back by Chingy 

You: Every time I try to leave….something keeps pulling me back, Telling me I need you in my life

Zen: What do you mean ‘leave’. Define it and use it in a sentence. 

You: It was meant to be, You were meant for me, So that means we gotta make it work

Zen: I am legit confused. This is worse than an unpolished script. So you want to break my heart but then you want to make it work. We are talking about this when I get home. Im leaving practice right now. Just look at a picture of me and just remember all the good times we have. Please. 

You: It was all good at first, Spending money, going shopping, Eating at the finest restaurants,And then from club hopping

Zen:  So when you think and see a picture of me, all you think is materialistic things! REALLY! Wow, Jaehee was right about you, you were just using me. I’ll help pack your things when I get to my house. Thanks for breaking my heart. 

You: NO HYUN PLEASE IT WAS JUST A PRANK YOU KNOW I WOULD NEVER DO THAT PLEASE HYUN FUCK BABY PLEASE IM SORRY LOOK UP THE LYRICS AND YOU WILL SEE THAT ITS FROM A SONG AND AND BABY PLEASE 

Zen: *sends winks face selfie* Cute how my acting skills even work on you ;) I love you too baby, don’t ever think about messing with me ;) 

Jaehee: Come and Get It by Selena Gomez 

You: You ain’t gotta worry, its an open invitation 
Jaehee: Did you open my mail? 
You: I’ll be seating right here, real patient, All day all night, I be waiting standby 
Jaehee: Please (y/n) don’t stay up for me, Mr. DickHead has me working over time :( I don’t want you to sacrifice yourself for me :( 
You: Can’t stop because I love it, hate the way I love you, All day, all night, maybe I’m addicted for life, no lie.
Jaehee: You speak beautiful words hehe *3* thank you for making hell more bearable :) 
You: I’m not too shy to show I love you, I got no regrets. I love you much, too much to hide you, this love ain’t finished yet.
Jaehee:  What do you mean show me……. 
You: *sends nude* 
*jaehee in the office* 

Originally posted by kaaatana

anonymous asked:

yuuri is a witch in training and viktor is a prince!

guys. which one of you failed to inform me that yesterday was @beanpots‘s bday? this is dedicated to them now


The bell above the door tinkles merrily as it opens. Viktor steps in nervously, pulling his hood about him and closing the door quickly, before peering out the little window in the door to make sure he hadn’t been tailed.

After ascertaining that no one had, he steps out into the main part of this shop, looking around him at the dried herbs tied to the ceiling and gathered in baskets all around. A book lies open on the counter, next to a mortar and pestle and a small linen bag. 

A bengal cat comes leaping down from the rafters, landing onto the counter before flicking its tail and turning to survey Viktor with piercing green eyes. Viktor stands rooted to the floor, hardly daring to breathe. He only moves when the cat does; it leaps off the counter and pads away silently through a set of black curtains behind the counter.

Viktor returns to his examination of the room. Minako is taking such a long time to get out here, and he didn’t remember seeing a bengal cat familiar the last time he was here to be checked up by her. He sighs, finger skimming across a deer antler and a rabbit’s foot before coming to rest on a fox pelt. It feels unbelievably soft.

“Hey! I’m sorry it took me so long to get out here!” A voice startles Viktor from his reverie and he turns to see a young dark-haired man at the counter, wiping his hands on his apron. Viktor’s chest does an unpleasant-feeling lurch, and he heaves, caught off-guard by the sudden motion. The young man’s eyes widen, and he scrambles around the counter to catch Viktor just as he stumbles.

The young man smells like petrichor, Viktor muses, before he’s being guided to a stool and instructed to sit. The young man vanishes behind the curtains again, and reappears momentarily with a cup of some sort of hot beverage.

“It’s tea,” he explains, when Viktor clutches the cup and stares at it. 

“…Thank you,” mumbles Viktor, before he sips. It is scalding, but it is tea, indeed.

“You gave me a bit of a fright,” admits the young man. “What can I do for you?”

Keep reading

Imagine Harry and Ginny a few months into their marriage and they’re so happy and in love and then one day they go shopping for food and household items and Harry just casually grabs certain items before Ginny hisses at him to “Check the prices, Harry, God! That bed set is far too expensive, we’re not going to have anything left to get the food with!” And Harry starts to laugh and say “We don’t have to worry about -” and then he stops and he and Ginny look at each other. And Harry realizes that she’s grown up having to measure out all her money and decide what she can and cannot have for a certain week or month or year. And Ginny realizes that she is actually no longer obligated to worry about money ever again. 

Imagine Harry and Ginny eating dinner together and Ginny’s telling him about certain meals her mum made and teasing him about how he wolfs everything down and “Honestly Harry, you’re worse than Ron!” and Harry retorts laughingly “well old habits die hard, I had to fight Dudley for meals all the time, you at least knew you were going to eat every day!” And Ginny’s grin starts to fade and she asks “You…you didn’t get to eat everyday?” And Harry realizes what he said and he changes the subject quickly and Ginny looks at the plates in front of him and resists the urge to pile on some more potatoes. And the next day Vernon Dursley’s car is egged. 

Imagine Harry and Ginny both suffering from night terrors and PTSD and agreeing that maybe going to that therapist Hermione recommended isn’t such a bad idea, and that’s how Thursday night became Therapy Night when they go out to dinner or to the pub after each session and agree that  they need to talk to some Healers about introducing these sessions since therapy is still widely seen as muggle nonsense in the wizarding world.

And Ginny murmurs over her fire whiskey that sometimes she can still hear Tom Riddle murmuring in her ear, and Harry whispers that he dreams about running after his mother and father and Sirius and Remus as they disappear behind the Veil in the Department of Mysteries and he doesn’t know if he wakes from terror or regret about not making it through. And they go back home and hold each other closer that night and both wake up with raging hangovers. 

How to study while struggling with mental-health

Em Português

  So, I’m new to this studyblr thing, but I haven’t seen something like this before. Studying can be hard while you go on and off with with your illness, and I believe the most important is bending your way of thinking. It’s hard word. But recovery is such a gratifying hard work. 


   You just can’t study sometimes, and that doesn’t mean you’re not being productive. Treat yourself, your body needs rest, food, exercise, relaxing. Everytime you do one of this, you can congratulate yourself. Congratulate yourself, even if it seems so small. In my bad days, texting my best friend is hard. And I let myself feel good when I do it. When I think that only if I’m studying I’m being productive, I tend to loose motivation, and get into the vicious circle of feeling bad brcause I don’t study and not studying cause I feel bad. So I find other ways to feel productive, and increase them until I can put small studies - and them increase them! This might take a few days, or weeks. But remember that you’re trying and that already is remarkable, so do congratulate yourself and do be proud that you got out of bad to brush your teeth. 

 You can try: 

  • Taking care of yourself 
  • Watching a TV show. 
  • Baking something! I love this one 
  • Stretching and walking. It can be just around your room, but it will wake your body up. Cuddle and playing with a pet if you have one. 
  • Reading anything. It can be the dumbest fanfic ever, but it will help you concentrate, so nice one! 
  • Playing a game. 
  • Sketching drawings or random quotes. And this ain’t meant to look pretty, just to be fun. 
  • Coloring.
  • Making yourself some tea. 
  • Anything really!

  “But others are so productive”. You know what is AWSOME? Living when your mind is fighting against you. You’re already formidable for anything you can accomplish because of this. Remember that you’re not to blame on how your brain works, and allow yourself bad days. And every time you do study, don’t ever think “finally, I lost so many times already” but be SUPER proud of you. I am. You’re doing great if you’re searching so much to find helpful tips already.


   Planing is great, but breaking schedules is ok. This happens to everyone, I promise. You wouldn’t blame yourself if you got stuck in the rain, or had to help a friend, right? So why do if you can’t get out if bed? You can’t always control it. So what I do is planing, and instead of feeling bad about what I haven’t done, I feel good about what I have done. Sometimes, looking at lost dates is hard. So I close my agenda and just make a to-do list, crossing the items when I get to them, and never following orders. And remember to put small tasks in your list as well! 


  Have a routine before studying, and have a routine before studying when you’re not feeling good. This helps your brain associate that it needs to concentrate. 

 I have three routines, for example:
 In my normal days, I just stretch, drink cold water and put some music I like and get straight to studying hard.
 On my sad days, I take a cold shower, eat a snack and play some concentration games. Only then I get to studying, and I start with baby steps - I tend to watching videos or listening to poadcasts first. It takes a while, but anything you can do you need to feel proud about.
  On my hipomaniac days, I go for walks or even runs. I need to tire my body a bit or I can’t focus. Then I take two glasses of water and a shower. Only THEN I study, and usually start with reading, to remind myself that while I have a lot of energy and feel good, it won’t do anything without discipline. 

  Find out what works for you. On bad days it will take a while, but if it gets you going, it is more than worth it. 


  Exercise. And again, it is okay when you can’t - and not a privilege of us neuroatypicals. But exercises are good ways to control your body chemistry. I have three exercise routines - again, for normal days in which I have energy, for days when I have less energy and for days in which I have WAY too much energy. You also don’t need to do this everyday, this is me, but have a schedule. And never fear to break schedules. Also, eat healthy.

  Remember: mental illness is all about chemistry, which is frustrating, but also means you can hack it. And not just with medication. 


  Talk about your feelings, and not only when they’re bad. If you can afford a therapist, great. If you don’t, regularly talk to hotlines or trustworthy persons. Or just write about it. It really works to reduce your number of crises.


  Power posing. Talking about hacking brain chemistry! I learnt this from a lecture called Our Body Language Shapes Who We Are, from psychologist Amy Cuddy - you can find it at TED. And it changed my life. Posing like Wonder Woman or all star spread for two minutes gets your cortisol (stress hormone) levels down, and your testosterone levels up! Sounds silly, but it does work. Also, it does look kinda silly so you can laugh and have fun while at it.


  Have safety plans for every bad emotion you feel. I make lists I can look at when an emotion is overwhelming and pick something to do. Things like anxiety crises, sadness, anger, apathy and self destructive thoughts. This will help you reduce the times of this bad emotions and refrain it from growing into worse things, such as episodes. 


  Motivation. Motivation is important to anyone. I love lists - especially because I can hide them if they’re making me feel bad - so I have one for this as well. Things such as: 

  •  I love learning 
  •  Studying is a way of having control over my brain 
  • I want to be a teacher that makes a difference

  I also love listening to Sia’s The Greatest, it’s kinda of my fighting song. If you have one, blast it and perform it ridiculously around your room until your dog is staring at you like you bring dishonor to the family - or is it just my life. 

  Find your motivation and keep it to your chest. ]


  Try out different study methods in different states. Look at posts at studying tips - always remembering that some might not work for you, and that’s not (just) because of your illness, and that’s ok, that’s why they are so many - and use them to build your study routines. Routines are great because they bring safety and help you when you’re lost. 


 Sometimes you can’t control your sleep. It is important to try, however, don’t blame yourself if your brain just make it impossible some days. This is to the folks that are on the bipolar spectrum and like me can go 5 days straight with a maximum of 4 hours of daily sleep. If you know you can’t control it, don’t force it. It will make you feel anxious and you get MORE enrgy and impulsiveness. Tiring your body and brain helps. 

  There are days when it is three a.m. and I just can’t sleep but am not feeling bad. On those days, I work for a maximum of two hours. It is a nice moment for putting your reading in day. But never do this for many consecutive days, you’ll feel like a zombie later. However, it can help with getting something done. And it is especially calming for unrest. 


  Remember that bad days happen and you’re allowed to feel, to cry and rest. And that you’re never a burden when you need help or talk about your feelings. You are only human. Have routines, break routines. Do crazy wishes like decorating a Christmas tree in the middle of June. Pamper yourself. And just never give up. 

Hope some of this helped.

I Know Your Wife (She Wouldn’t Mind)

Summary: You’re nineteen when you get your first recurring acting role in season twelve of Supernatural. There’s an instant attraction between you and Jared, despite the age difference, but he won’t act on it because of Genevieve. When you meet Gen, she gives you the permission to act on your desires.

Words: 5.8k

Married!Jared x Reader

Warnings: smut (like 2.4k of this is porn), consensual infidelity, age difference, lust, teasing, the whole shebang

A/N: this is one of my fics for @loveitsallineed​‘s 1k celebration playlist challenge, this song was Cola by Lana Del Rey. It’s also a lil birthday gift for the beautiful @oriona75​. And finally, it’s part three of my Birthday Smutathon for @laurivcr​‘s birthday! You can find the masterpost here

Your name: submit What is this?

The casting directors at Supernatural only had one reservation when it came to casting you, that being you were only nineteen at the time of your audition. You and your agent worked together to assure them you were ready and serious about the role, and five months later you’d really proved yourself on set.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Typical female percussionist conversation: Me: I'm a musician Them: Cool! What do you play? The flute? Me: No, I'm a percussionist. Them: Really?? Me: Yeah What I'm thinking: BANG BANG PARADIDDLE BOOM BITCH Sorry if this isn't appropriate, but I get that a lot. "You look like a flute player." We discussed this in my Music Ed class and how much people, especially young students, tend to place instruments with a specific gender. There are 3 female percussionists in my studio of 25. It's crazy.

Percussion studio gender ratios are usually worse than low brass studios, which is both impressive and terrifying to me.

Kids do this a lot, which makes me upset. At a very young age they associate instruments with gender, because their parents or music teachers have already done this for them. Every time I would go to a new teaching placement in my degree program, I would have the kids guess what instrument I played. I would say that 75% of the time, they guessed flute. I actually had a little girl cry once because I was the first adult female trombonist she had ever met and she didn’t know that there were others like her out there.

That should not have had to happen.

i.
I used to think that would never be me.
stitched mouth and
drawn on smile. doll girl. call girl. something like that.

ii.
i say
“it’s never too far for me. you’re the one with a girlfriend”
he says
“i just wouldn’t acknowledge it” and my throat tightens but I click send anyway.

iii.
like I said that shouldn’t have been me.
he goes home to her and
looks at the pictures of me on his phone during dinner.
it’s not cheating he tells me and
i think of how it’s just survival and i’m the one trying to survive.
i feed off the attention like I’ve never had anything else.
i dig for it in places I shouldn’t and come up empty every time.

iv.
i say
“it’s not even that bad”
he says
“it’s been worse before. we’ve already bought tickets to hell so we might as well get on the fast track”

v.
so i was that girl. again.

vi.
i say
how do we forgive ourselves when there’s no guilt? how do we forgive ourselves for all the things that keep us alive?
he says
you know this means nothing. you know there’s no heaven anyway.

—  i echo it back and we’re both happy– lily rain

From the outside, a lot of people seem to view becoming accustomed to illness as ‘getting better.’

When I first developed POTS and Dysautonomia, I was an Actual Mess, even after dealing with illness for years, because HERE ARE ALL THESE NEW SYMPTOMS THAT ARE VERY SCARY AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM AND I HAVE TO LEARN TO DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN 'AM I DYING???’ AND MY 'NEW NORMAL’ ALL OVER AGAIN.

It’s been about a year and a half now, since I developed POTS and Dys.
And a thing I hear frequently, especially from people I haven’t seen since the SUMMER OF THE EPIC FREAKOUT, is, “You look like you’re doing so much better!”

Nah, fam.
I’ve actually gotten Significantly Worse.
The difference is, I’ve gotten used to getting dizzy and passing out/almost passing out LITERALLY EVERY TIME I STAND UP.
I’ve gotten used to my heart feeling like it’s trying to pound its way out of my chest.
I’ve gotten used to feeling nauseous whenever I don’t eat and also whenever I do eat.
I’ve gotten used to all the shit that terrified me when it first started happening.
I haven’t gotten 'better.’
I’ve just fucking adapted.

It’s Over

Part 1; Part 2; Part 3; Part 4; Part 5; Part 6


Kim Jongdae (Chen) x Reader feat. BTS

Summary: Your parents gave you up so you had no choice but to become his wife.

Genre: Mafia AU, angst

Word count: 2,520

Originally posted by baekhyunsama

You tapped your finger on the table impatiently. You still thought this wasn’t the best idea you came up with but what other choice did you have. At least the meeting place was in a relatively public area, a coffee shop in the city centre, even though you were the only customer here. You also hadn’t seen any employees ever since you got your coffee. Strange… A ray of sunshine peeked through the window and it’s light reflected on the ring you were wearing. You stopped your tapping and looked at it. You took it between your fingers but after holding it for a while, you just sighed. It’s been more than two weeks since you found out the truth about him but you still couldn’t bring yourself to take it off. You wanted nothing to do with him, yet the ring was invisibly stuck to your finger, bonding you two together.

“Gold huh?”

Startled by the voice you quickly stood up from your seat. You didn’t even hear him come in. You weren’t even expecting him to actually show up.

“Please Y/N, no need to get scared. Sit down,” he said, taking a seat opposite yours. “I don’t know if you have heard this but I issued a reward for someone who would bring you to me. You should have seen my face when you contacted me yourself,” he laughed. “How did you even do that?”

“Don’t play dumb Jimin. Your men spotted me in the city. I’m pretty sure, they reported to you right away.”

“Clever girl,” he smirked as his eyes narrowed and he stared at you like you were his pray. You could feel the tension in the air, it really was a bad decision to meet him, he’s unpredictable… But just like that after a few minutes of silence he chuckled and clapped his hands.

“Coffee!” he shouted and an employee showed up out of nowhere carrying it for him. He set the cup down, his hands trembling. You met his gaze and he was so frightened, you started wondering what was going on here once again. Jimin noticed your look.

“I ‘rented’ the whole place out. That’s why there are no people here,” he started. “But let’s just say that I had some convincing to do.”

You understood completely what he meant but you weren’t here for that. You had business to take care of.

“Why did you want to find me?” you asked.

“You intrigue me. I wanted to get to know you better,” he smirked, sipping his coffee. “That would have never been possible with Chen around.”

He stopped and picked up your hand with the ring on, inspecting it closely.

“You didn’t have this one on when we first met… What happened between you two?” he questioned.

“I don’t have to tell you,” you said, pulling away.

“You don’t. But the fact that you’re here means you’re not with him anymore,” he spoke, rising his hands in defeat and leaning back against his chair. “Not that I care. It makes things easier for me.”

He looked at his wrist watch and then back at you.

“I don’t have that much time left, so let’s get straight to the point. Why are you really here?”

You clenched your fists under the table. It’s now or never. You have to ask him.

“I need you to do me a favour…”

▲▼▲▼▲

Jongdae’s POV

I was wasting time, being forced to attend these meetings when there was still no news about her. I kept thinking how it even came to this. I looked at my knuckles, they were still red from all the punching. I had to release my anger somewhere, if not in the gym then on other people. I was beyond irritated these past few weeks. What’s even worse, is that it’s all my fault and nobody else. I can only blame myself.

“Yah, snap out of it!” Baekhyun waved his hand in front of my face. I looked up and noticed everyone staring at me.

“What?” I mumbled. “I see no point being here. Every second I spend sitting here, she could be getting farther and farther away.”

“It has been like what, three weeks since she left now and despite having all these contacts in the city you hadn’t found her. Do you seriously expect her to show up now, after all this time? You’re an idiot,” Minseok glared at me.

“She’s smart, okay? Do you have a problem with that?” I asked standing up.

“They saw her,” Yixing interrupted. “My men saw her in the city centre just a few hours ago.”

“What?” I quickly came up to him. “Are they following her? You need to tell me where she is.”

“Don’t,” Minseok spoke before Yixing could tell me anything else. “Are you not forgetting something?”

I looked back at him.

“Yixing… Tell me.”

“She’s with Jimin,” he replied. “My men believe he took her to their headquarters.”

“Do you understand now?” Minseok began again. “You told me yourself, you weren’t hiding anything from her except the past, so she went to our biggest enemy knowing all our secrets. She’s a nuisance.”

I flipped the table I was standing near in his direction.

“You want to say that again?” I shouted.

“We have to get rid of her.”

I jumped over the table and shoved him into the wall, grabbing his collar I put my gun to his head.

“Minseok, do you really hate her that much because I swear to god, if any one of you would even try something like this, I will kill you all and then myself,” I growled but Minseok’s calm expression angered me even more. Soon Baekhyun and Chanyeol were at my side, dragging me away from him. He just brushed of the dust and fixed his tie.

“I told you many times over this was going to happen, yet look were this got you. Jongdae you’re delusional if you think she will ever come back to you after what you did. She’s been nothing but burden on you your whole life and you haven’t been able to concentrate and dedicate yourself to the gang, like the rest of us have been doing,” he said all in one go.

I stared at him. He was telling the truth, I myself felt sick thinking what I did to her but hearing this from somebody else. Especially him… I brushed Chanyeol and Baekhyun off and went to the door.

“If neither of you are going to help me, I will get her back myself,” I said, exiting and slamming the door shut. After all, if I don’t see her at least one more time, I might actually die. I can’t live without her. Not when I was so close.

“Good job,” Junmyeon told Minseok. “You sent him out to his death.”

“He needs to learn a lesson or two. He’s not some special snowflake. Being in the mafia for so long and he still doesn’t understand that in our line of work personal life is always at a second place.”

“But we’re still going, right?” Sehun asked, glancing at everyone.

Minseok sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He then looked at Junmyeon.

“Your call, leader,” he said.

▲▼▲▼▲

You felt kind of unsettling going through all of these halls with him. He led you to big wooden doors and pushed them open. He ushered everyone that was inside the room out of it, except for 6 other men. They stared at you as Jimin offered you a seat, he leaned down on the table next to you.

“This is where we usually do business,” he explained. “Now can you repeat to me again what you requested? Because man! Hearing it from you is exciting.”

You looked around and then focused back on Jimin.

“I want you to get rid of Jongdae,” you finally said.

“There!” he laughed. “She said it! It’s hilarious,” he told the others. “Can you believe his wife actually comes to me out of all people to ask that?”

“Will you do it?” you asked eagerly. Why did he even bring you here?

“I would love to. After all, we were planning to kill them all anyway. They have been bothering us for a long time now,” he said. “But! But I can’t do it for free,” he smirked.

Of course. What did you expect? It’s never this easy.

“What do you want?” you asked. He took a strand of your hair and lifted it, letting it fall gently.

“I want you,” he grinned, putting his hands on the side of the armchair you were sitting in, practically trapping you, so you would look at him. You opened your mouth to reply but some kind of commotion started right outside the door. Soon after Jongdae was bursting in through them, another man in his arms, a gun to his head.

“What do you know, you actually led me to the correct place,” he said before shooting him and throwing him aside. He then pointed his gun at Jimin but the other six men that were in the room took theirs out as well.

“Where is she?” he just asked. He still couldn’t see you, the armchair blocking his view.

“You have no fucking manners, do you? Ruining the fun every time,” Jimin spoke clearly annoyed, he stood up straight and you quickly followed him. Jongdae’s eyes widened.

“Y/N…” he stuttered. “I…”

“What are you doing here? How dare you show your face to me?” you shouted but he ignored you and took a few steps in your direction.

“Y/N please, hear me out. I need…”

“I don’t need your excuses. Do you seriously think that I will listen to you after what happened? Please, just get out of here…”

“I can’t,” he said, staring at you when he noticed the ring on your finger. “You… You still have it on.”

You quickly realized what he was talking about. You looked down at your hand. You wondered if you can actually do it. If you take it off, what will that mean for you? You got a good grip and after waiting for a few seconds, practically ripped it off your finger once and for all, throwing it at him.

“You can take it, I don’t need it anymore,” you could see his heart breaking into a million pieces. “Get out of my sight,” you said and turned around.

“You heard the girl,” Jimin finally spoke. “It’s the perfect chance, get rid of him-“ he started when a loud shot interrupted him.

“I hope you go to hell you piece of shit,” Jongdae said and you watched Jimin’s lifeless body fall to the ground. You gasped at the sight, a large pool of blood already forming underneath him and a small hole burning in the middle of his forehead. Just like your sister. You felt like puking, you took a step back and tripped over the armchair, falling to the ground when somebody caught you. It was him. You felt disgusted being held by him right now.

“Why you!” one of the six men shouted, he was about fire when shots began flying from all directions. A bunch of other men entered the room.  A shootout has started.

“You found her, now get her out of here,” Suho shouted, but you quickly got on your feet and ran out of the room but Jongdae tackled you and dragged you under one of the nearby tables to avoid you getting hit. You could feel the panic creeping up on you. You wanted to be anywhere but near him.

“Don’t touch me!” you shouted, pushing him off. You looked at yourself. The only thing you could see was blood. How did it even get on you? You started wiping your hands when he stopped you.

“Y/N calm down,” he begged you but at this point it made you sick looking at his face. You had to get out of here, fast. The hallway you came from was close by. You stood up again and rushed down it.  You saw the door at the end of it and pushing them open you finally got outside. The night wind welcomed you. You started breathing deeply, taking in the air. You turned around to look back at the building. Shots and screams could be still heard. You noticed a figure coming your way. He had his hands up.

“Y/N…” he slowly approached you. “Baby…”

Your legs gave in and you slumped down on the floor.  It seemed like all of your strength has left your body. The only thing you felt now was guilt. You never meant for this to happen. You never wanted to get rid of him in the first place. No matter how badly you lived, you always knew that violence is never the option. You could never hurt somebody.

He got on his knees in front of you and cupped your face, wiping the tears that were threatening to spill out.

“Jongdae… I… I…”

“Shhh… It’s okay, it’s okay.”

You wanted to believe that, you truly did but how can anything be okay after this? After you found the truth? At that moment a loud sound from a distance, pierced your ears.

“Shit,” Jongdae hissed as he fell on top of you. You quickly rolled him over, still not sure what happened. He was bleeding, badly. You laid him down on the ground and opened his shirt, a hideous wound could be seen on his chest.

“No no no no,” you said, placing your hands on it, frantically trying to stop the bleeding. You looked at him. He was barely conscious, the light starting to fade from his eyes. He gripped your arm.

“Y/N… Love…” he tried speaking.

“Jongdae, don’t move, it’s going to be worse,” you cried out when a strong force, shoved you off him. You clenched your shoulder and shouted in pain. Somebody shot you. You saw Jongdae staring at you from the corner of his eyes. His mouth slightly open. He was so pale. You started crawling to him. You need to reach him. He can’t go just like that. He needs to hold on. Come back. To you. Because you still hadn’t told him.

You were about to touch his hand, your fingertips brushing over it when somebody stomped on yours, breaking at least a few fingers.

“Persistent,” the young man said. “Still clinging on to life.”

You wanted to push his feet off of you but you couldn’t even lift your arm up. He just sighed and started loading a new set of shells into the gun. Sniper. A shot from such proximity will be more than deadly.

“Jongdae,” you sobbed with all the strength you still had.

“He’s dead,” the man told you. “You will be joining him soon.”

You stared him in the eyes as he aligned his gun to your head.

This is it. 

“For our boss. There could never be peace between us after all,” he said as he pulled the trigger.

It’s over.


~ Part 8 ~