it gets a bit old for me

15 random facts about me
1. I used to be a star in the girls fast pitch softball world and was considered the best pitcher in Oregon. I was invited to try for the Olympics, but I was burnt out and quit

2. I was a stripper/exotic dancer for several years, I met my husband there, we’ve been married 15 years

3. Every year I go to Oregon Country Fair, people always think it’s country like cowboys and shitty music, but it’s actually a Hippie festival in the woods. It is my second home ♥ and I feel so ME when I’m there.

4. I’ve have two abortions and I don’t regret either one even a little bit. Possibly the best decisions I ever made.

5. I took ballet classes from an old school, hard core, Russian ballet teacher. I was good enough to get a small part in a ballet with the world’s prima ballerina at the time. I was young and not so impressed, but my mom was! Although miss prima ballerina was kinda a bitch.

6. I haven’t spoken to my father in about 8 years and I don’t plan to.

7. I dye my hair so often my husband says he doesn’t know what color it is naturally

8. I am a fire dancer, I spin Poi. Mostly just in the summer.

9. I am happiest in the woods at the river with someone I love.

10. I moved out of my parents house at 16 and never went back.

11. I like having a fast car. My first car I loved was my ‘85 Mustang Gt, I now drive a Dodge charger with a 5.7 hemi

12. I almost never wear makeup or do anything with my hair. Party because my skin hates makeup, also I’m lazy, I like the way I look just fine without it.

13. I have been a vegetarian for 24 years. I am one of those that would be vegan except I love cheese.

14. Tori Amos is my favorite musician and Neil Gaiman is my favorite author. I love that they are good friends.

15. I named my daughter Saphira after the dragon in Eragon, it also happens that her birthstone is a sapphire so it is perfect.

I was tagged by @quadsasaurus-rex @armsintheair and @fatgirlgetsfitatlast for this. I tag @pocketfulofpralines @swimmingtofrance @nietzchesabyss @jeremygnfsk @marines-sweat-hard @hustleformuscle

Can’t we be happy for Moonlight without shitting on La La Land in the process? Moonlight deserved this win, fully and completely. I’m glad that was set straight. But it’s “cool” to hate La La Land and that is getting a bit tiring. I get that it’s not the most unique story or most diverse cast. I understand that. I get the issues people have with it. But it was still good for what it was: a light musical that tried to bring back the feel of old cinema. I thought it was outstanding in what it set out to do. And saying that doesn’t negate its flaws or mean that it was better than the other films in its category. It just means it was a good, fun, entertaining film that brought me a lot of joy and made me cry. I don’t get why people are so unable to just appreciate things for what they are sometimes. 

Hello again witchcraft/pagan community. Calling for help again. So, I wanted to make a post about this on here because I thought this site would be one of the better places to get help in this particular bit of information I need.

Could anyone kindly point me to any and all reliable resources on the Norse pantheon and anything else related to the old Norse traditions? I’ve heard that many of the myths have been rewritten in the past so not a lot of accurate information remains, but anything that is accurate would be preferred.

I ask here because I tried to find channels on YT first about Norse gods and runes and the like and while some had some okay info, some of them turned out to be racist and/or misogynistic/lgbtphobic in their views and I didn’t wanna have to sift through such channels and risk getting information from people with harmful bias.

Any help would be very appreciated as I feel a pull to this pantheon in particular and would like to know more about these deities. I’ll literally take anything be it websites, blogs, books, youtube channels and even other people on tumblr who post accurate information regularly. Thank you very much for your time. Bright blessings.

30 Day Blog Challenge

In March, I’m starting on a 30-day blog challenge with the following prompts. Feel free to join me if you would like. While this is for me personally, you all will get to know a bit more about me. :) 

I’ll also be partaking in a 30-day photo challenge on insta. While I’ll be sharing some of it here, feel free to follow me on instagram for the entire challenge: tori.alexide xD

So, without further adieu, here are my prompts.

  1. You, your blog’s name, and the meaning behind the name
  2. Discuss your current relationship
  3. 10 songs you love right now
  4. List your fandoms, old and current
  5. An old photo of you
  6. What are you currently reading?
  7. Something you miss
  8.  The best thing to happen this year so far
  9. What are your worst habits?
  10. List your OTPs
  11. What makes you happy?
  12. A short story about what would happen if you won the lottery.
  13. A picture of your handwriting
  14. Put your music on shuffle: first 15 songs that play
  15. What are you currently watching?
  16. Bullet your day
  17. Your biggest regret
  18. Discuss your views on religion
  19. Write about something you don’t understand
  20. Favorite characters
  21. Draw one of your favorite characters
  22. What is your earliest memory?
  23. Recommend a book for others to read. Why do you think it’s important?
  24. What will others find on your blog?
  25. List 5 long term goals and 5 short term goals
  26. What’s in your purse/bag?
  27. Write a short story relating to a difficult time of your life
  28. Features you’re complimented on a lot
  29. Handwrite your favorite quote
  30. A picture of you today

ok don’t get me wrong the ‘salt and pepper diner’ bit is hysterical, but john mulaney has so many more hilarious stories that no one seems to talk about:

•the party at the house of the teacher that everyone hated

•the dog trainer

•meeting bill clinton

•“hUSH!”

•“-too old to be a duckling, quack, quack!”

•“eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs.”

•literally any story involving his parents (especially the black coffee one)

just please, do yourselves a favor, don’t just stop at ‘salt and pepper diner’, listen to all this guy’s stories because they are gold

You think you can’t love Yuri Katsuki more...

…and then you realize that in Episode 2, when he gets anxious seeing how Yurio is more comfortable with Viktor… he goes to the Ice Castle to practice Figures. 

Originally posted by gameraboy

Let me geek out for a bit: 

School Figures or Compulsory Figures are an old staple of figure skating, that were taken out of competition after 1998 - lots of people didn’t like them because they were repetitive and boring to broadcast (Each skater had to do the exact same 6 to 12 figures (depending on the year) one after another, alternating both feet). Plus, historically they amounted anywhere between 20 and 60% of the total score. 

Very few skaters learn them anymore, as they are no longer deemed necessary to be competitive. 

Though they are believed to help develop stronger skating skills and give better symmetry  to the body and a better line, since you learn to use both legs rather than just favoring your dominant one. Many also think it helps to reduce injuries, particularly to the ankle. 

Anyway, when Viktor finally tracks Yuri down at the Ice Castle, Yuri is seen skating slowly in the background. He’s not just stroking or doing cross overs, he’s repeating the same pattern while alternating feet. 

Originally posted by keigoo

It makes total sense that Yuri does this to calm down. As I said, figures are repetitive in nature, and when you got anxiety problems, repetitive tasks can actually be quite soothing if it’s something you enjoy doing (I knit, for example). 

That he took the time to learn them when he didn’t have to (Yuri is 23 and the figures have been discontinued for almost 17 years by that point), say something both about him and about the people who coached him as a kid. His technique must actually be quite solid. 

Originally posted by kinbari14

Leoprintlevel over 9000 

So Yuri on Ice is over, and 2016 is about to end, too. This year has by far been the worst for me, especially healthwise and that may sound a bit cheesy but yoi kinda helped me to keep going lmao? Motivated me to draw after YEARS? I’m still not a 100% back to my old self but I hope 2017 will be better. Also artwise I hope, since I still have zero confidence in my art (ok sorry this is getting too personal BYE). Anyways I love the yoi fandom it has been by far the best and I’m looking forward to season two! And I wish you all a happy new year!

Btw, I’m kinda having an artblock rn, so feel free to drop me an ask with suggestions of what I could draw next (yoi of course!!)?? Thank  ♡

- damn, think about Victor and Yuuri adopting a baby and then they take him over to see Yakov like okay baby, time to go meet your dedushka!
- and Yakov was grumping about it earlier because dammit Vitya, you can’t just decide that I’m a grandfather all of a sudden, I’m not related to your child in any way and I’m busy and you’re bothering me with this nonsense-
- but then they show up as his place with the baby and let him hold the baby and his cranky old heart just melts
- ‘Yakov, are you crying?’
- 'No! I-I’m…just allergic to…baby powder.’
- 'Okay, you don’t have to keep holding him, we’ll take him back-’
- 'Don’t be stupid, I know you’re exhausted with this parenting business. You two go take a break and get lunch or something. I’ll…stay here and watch your brat for a bit.’
- Later they catch him making faces at the baby.
- He absolutely denies doing that.
- The baby loves him too and laughs whenever he sees him
- GRANDPA YAKOV

a fanchild of colonna and tutol in @blogthegreatrouge‘s genderbend au i designed.

i asked her if i can create one and she allowed me.her design was kinda based from one of my old nextgens,all in all im pretty happy with how she looks~

i named her corala because i wanted her name to be a bit close to colonna, she is a very curious kid and takes pride in her skills,she is kind and but sometimes can get into petty fights with other kids.

also her horns and ears levitate above and beside her head.thats all for now

art and design by me

parents belong to the great rouge

Light

Pairing: Steve x reader

Summary: Steve and reader are the only ones left in Stark Tower this holiday season. It’s cold, cuddling happens, confessions happen. 

Words: 1.5k+

A/N: Tell me to stop being so dramatic pls. All these love declarations I keep writing are probably getting old by now. Anyway, I hope you enjoy regardless! For @crazychick010, my darling. Happy fifteenth! 

Warnings: Teensy bit of angst, but really just fluff and sugar cookies. 

Originally posted by esgaroths

Steve and you were the only ones left in Stark tower this holiday season. The others had either gone home to their families or away to tropical islands with their significant others to escape the cold. It wasn’t just that you didn’t have family to go visit, but you’d also never spent Christmas time in the city. It was something you’d always dreamed about. You’d seen it in countless Christmas films as a child. The real thing though? Absolutely breathtaking. The blankets of snow covering the streets, people all bundled up in their warmest winter clothes. The lights. There were lights everywhere

You were sat in the common room wrapped up in a thick blanket. You were completely enraptured by the light snowfall visible through the glass walls surrounding you. And then Steve entered the room. You didn’t have to see or hear him to know he was here. Awareness prickles at the back of your neck and you know he’s watching you. You didn’t really know when you’d first become so in tune with him, but everything felt a little different when he was around. Like something in the air changes with his presence.

“Is the emptiness of the tower finally getting to you?” you ask, gaze still fixed on the outside world.

“You know, I should be worried about how detectable I am to you. I’m trained to be light on my feet.”

You turn around and lock eyes with him before smiling softly. “You are light on your feet. It’s just… different with us.”

Keep reading

5

OMGG !!

Trans by @velvetrouge

JY: Is it very weird for me to ask him out on Valentine’s … Don’t be nervous…… Just greet him like usual…….

(slaps ZX’s butt)

ZX: What are you doing?

JY: Helping you… get rid of some dust on your butt……

JY: The aquarium doesn’t seem open yet… We came early…
(The atmosphere seems a bit unnatural)

ZX: Chocolate. Want some?

JY: Zhang xixi……

JY: I’ll eat it!!!!!!

HT: I ordered something for you, to help soothe your lonely heart~

HT: No need to thank me~

GS: Fuck you…

(Two hours later)

GS: Fuck! What in the chicken balls!!?

Help me change my legal name + gender marker!

Hey folks, I’m in between jobs at the moment, and currently have no form of income in the meantime. I have enough saved up to last me until my next job starts. I would very sincerely appreciate any and all help I can get towards changing my legal name and gender marker.

A bit about me, I’m a 23 year old trans woman, I’ve had a letter from my doctor for a bit, but because I worked 44+ hours a week as a barista, I never actually got around to doing the whole name change/gender marker process. Now that I’m out a job, I think it’d be best to just try to finish this whole thing as quickly as possible, but I need some help.

In the state of MN, it costs $324 to change my name and gender marker, along with two witnesses who have known me for over a year to essentially back me up on whenever my court date ends up being. I have the two witnesses already, and I just need the money.

If you want to donate, you can donate to one of these two things: 

  1. Cash account at $rheaisawesome (rhea is awesome, for readability)
  2. My Paypal at paypal.me/rheahartford

Thank you for any amount of support you can offer, whether it’s donations or reblogs or whatever.

<3333333333

5

I’ve been itching to play with the portal assets in SFM! I always liked the aesthetics, and they did not disappoint (SO MANY KINDS OF PANELS).

I had a ball with it, and then proceeded to over-saturate the poor thing. It was supposed to be… not this… but I like the magical look! Even if it doesn’t quite fit Rattmann and Wheatley’s journey through grief.

The fic idea behind this was sorta like… I dunno… the same old same old ‘GLaDOS gets Wheatley back from space’ scenario to quench her inexhaustible boredom, except the real story is that Doug’s trying to escape and uses Wheatley to help (???).

I like the dissatisfied GLaDOS bit still. It reminds me of King Solomon’s lamentations, honestly. Vanity, vanity… 

Poster was rendered in sfm, processed in GIMP. All assets were either from portal 2, except for maybe some misc junk and the black mesa scientist model (shopped into doug). COLORS!

My Thoughts on TFP

(after rewatching)

  • Can we all applaud Honor Kneafsey for her amazing acting as the girl on the plane. And also for her spectacular name.
  • Hearing Moriarty on the phone made my heart leap and my stomach drop.
  • Mycroft memorising old films <3
  • Then smiling at his childhood videos MY HEART
  • SWORD IN A CANE
  • the bleeding pictures… Sherlock is so extra
  • Why a clown?? That felt a bit too weird
  • GUN IN A SWORD IN A CANE
  • His little “help me” MY HEART
  • The theories about Eurus were right :D
  • They kind of threw away the whole ‘shooting John’ bit… it didn’t really make sense and just feels like a cliffhanger for the sake of it. I get that she’d want to get away but still… it was just a bit anticlimactic.
  • Poor scared Mycroft not wanting to be left alone :’(
  • John’s suddenly really spiteful. I guess he’s angry about being shot? Maybe I should watch the series all in one.
  • Mycroft’s disgust at being a client is wonderful.
  • The skull poster looks normal and dull again…??
  • Mycroft is so scientific and so dramatic at the same time, it’s great.
  • JOHN IS FAMILY
  • So is Eurus the middle child or Sherlock?
  • Mycroft picking up a stone while in his memory, like his younger self ^-^
  • Little Eurus had the same drawing board as me! I’m a bit terrified…
  • Sad Mycroft makes me want to cry.
  • I really want to meet this Uncle Rudi. He sounds interesting.
  • The idea of the patience grenade really freaks me out.
  • MRS HUDSON IS AMAZING
  • I love that Mycroft still cares about his childhood acting ^-^ he’s just great.
  • The explosion looked.. so fake…
  • Why does the radio play “Sherrinford”??
  • YES PIRATE HOLMES YEESSSSSSSSSS
  • I get that it’s all to trick us, but why do they lockdown the prisoners if Eurus is actually in control?
  • How the cheese were they uninjured from the explosion?? And How’s Mrs Hudson?
  • Wait. Did Mycroft get some poor bloke and explode him so that he could sneak onto the island??
  • So Mycroft’s still got his acting skills! :D
  • Why aren’t Mycroft and John suspicious that the Governor doesn’t send out a message to detain Sherlock?
  • I may be in love with Scottish Sherlock.
  • So Sherlock’s suit doesn’t have a single crease or damp patch after taking over a ship in stormy seas??
  • WHEN HE STEPS CLOSER AND SHE PLAYS THAT AWFUL QUICK RISING THING ON THE VIOLIN HOW IS THAT SO SCARY
  • “bottoms aren’t really pretty” I agree mate.
  • WHY AREN’T MYCROFT AND JOHN LISTENING IN ON EURUS AND SHERLOCK’S CONVERSATION. BAD IDEA.
  • THE LAUGHING SCREAMING STORY. SHE DELIVERS EVERY LINE PERFECTLY
  • EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THE GLASS TWIST IS COMING IT’S LIKE I’M BEING PUNCHED IN THE STOMACH HOLY CHEESE THEY PULLED IT OFF SO PERFECTLY I WAS SO SURE THE GLASS WAS THERE
  • YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS MORIARTY THAT IS SO PERFECT OH MY GOD I LOVE HIM BEST ENTRANCE EVER
  • HOW COULD THEY “5 YEARS AGO” US THE MONSTERS
  • Moriarty ships himself with literally everyone he meets.
  • MORIARTY BEST AWESOME FACE EVER
  • I’m so confused, she says “Redbeard” and then Moriarty starts doing some weird separated making-out thing with her… what??
  • Moriarty’s messages are amazing. End of. I wonder what his brother is/was like…
  • I feel like shooting the Guvernor wouldn’t be hugely hard, but then I guess it’s not something I’d have any idea about.
  • Numpty didn’t read the terms and conditions.
  • Mycroft stop being a dick.
  • The Garridebs bit looks really quite fake, and was fairly predictable, but I still liked it.
  • Of course that wouldn’t be Irene’s coffin, hers would be huge and black and silver, covered with roses.
  • OH GOD THE MOLLY BIT IS SO FREAKING TENSE I HATE HOW SCARED IT MADE ME
  • OH GOD MOLLY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I JUST WANT YOU TO BE OK THIS ISN’T FAIR. WHEN HE SAYS IT AND HE ACTUALLY MEANS IT OH GOD MY HEART I CANNOT COPE
  • WHEN EURUS SAID “saved her?” I THOUGHT SHE WAS STILL GOING TO KILL MOLLY AND EVERY PART OF ME FROZE
  • Eurus looks kind of sad right after the phone call. I think she wishes someone would say it to her, that someone would love her like Sherlock loves Molly.
  • Coffins are surprisingly destructible…
  • The “Kill John or Mycroft” bit was really predictable, but I think that’s maybe the point. We knew it was coming so we were scared of it, wishing it wouldn’t happen. It was the same for the characters. I love stuff like that.
  • For the tiny moment that I believed Mycroft actually wanted John to die it shattered my heart. Then when I realised he was baiting Sherlock it pulverised it, and then when John agreed with him it made it into a smoothie.
  • God Moriarty is such a creep… how do we love him so much?
  • SHERLOCK CARES MORE ABOUT JOHN AND MYCROFT THAN FINDING OUT THE ANSWERS GOD I LOVE THIS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
  • Mycroft’s lip wobbling as he realises his brother might be about to die D’:
  • How were they all so perfectly positioned for the darts?
  • HOLY CHEESE SHE KILLED A CHILD THIS IS SO DARK OH MY GOD
  • Little Eurus playing with a plane… I guess it’s always been something on her mind.
  • Why wouldn’t the police have been called and done a full sweep of the grounds?
  • HOLY HECKINS THAT REVEAL WITH THE PLANE BEING LIKE SOME CRAZY MIND PALACE
  • Soo… how did she help him save John? The water is still pouring in when the police drop the rope down, so she hasn’t stopped it, but that leaves no time for getting to the well, calling the police etc. That bit just makes no sense.
  • Greg! A bit cheesy, but that’s why I love it!
  • Sooo… the grenade didn’t damage the floor at all? Mycroft expected it to, and he’s bought them before.
  • Putting the headphones back on the skull was a wonderful touch.
  • When I saw the MISS YOU disk I got all excited about another plot twist, having had so many this episode. When it came up as Mary, I just felt a bit disappointed, which is a shame because I really loved her character. I think they overdid that idea a bit. Plus it didn’t make a ton of sense in the story.
  • What does she mean “who you are, it doesn’t really matter” ??? The show is so much about their relationship and development. That’s what feels important, more than the cases. The story is a catalyst for the characters’ development, but it is not the main reaction.
  • Putting the smiley back and shooting it is such a lovely touch, I’m glad they included that.
  • THAT ENDING MUSIC
  • What a happy family <3
  • HAPPY MOLLY
  • That ending narration feels a bit… off. I don’t really know. It just sounds too much like the end of a series, rather than a realistic message Mary would send. I’m all about cheesiness, but it has to have purpose and make sense in the world of the story.
  • If they had been holding hands as they ran at the end, I would have forgiven the previous point. Like when they were handcuffed together, it’s such a perfect image for them, but instead we got general running which doesn’t really feel personal enough.

Overall, I like the episode. I found myself incredibly tense with fear and excitement the whole way through, the plot twist were delightfully horrific and manipulated my emotions perfectly. Lots were predictable but I think that actually added to the experience. There were quite a few issues, particularly towards the end, which did feel forced and quite disappointing.

When it comes to the whole Johnlock clusterheck, I do ship them, but I was surprised that people were so adamant that they would kiss etc this series. I’m no expert and haven’t watched the thousands of videos on the subtext, but I know that it’s there and have suspected at least Sherlock to love John, but if they do end up being together, I wouldn’t expect it to happen this series. It would just make Mary seem like a throwaway character.

I get that a lot of people didn’t like this episode, and I see why, but I just wish that everyone would be a bit nicer and accept that everyone has different opinions. I’ve seen so much hostility and arrogance from both sides, and it’s things like that that give fandoms bad names. Someone disagreeing with you does not make them wrong or stupid, it just makes them different, which is kind of the point.

Sorry this ended up waaaaaaay longer than I intended, I just love Sherlock so much!

3

Hey guys, how are you all? I hope you’re all doing well. The holidays are almost here and this year is finally ending. My blog is four years old now and I wanted to make a follow forever for this occasion. I guess I just wanted to make this to thank you all. 2016 was a shitty year for me and I’m really glad it’s ending but you all made it a little easier and I’m grateful for that. I made many incredible and sweet friends on here and I love them to bits.

Followers: thank you for sticking and putting up with me during these four years, I love every message I get from you guys even though I suck at replying on time. If you recently followed me, then I hope you enjoy my blog. You’re all amazing and I appreciate every single one of you ♥

Mutuals: tumblr wouldn’t be fun without you guys, thank you for making my tumblr experience wonderful. I don’t really talk much but I enjoy seeing every one of you on my dash and secretly wish we could be friends.

Happy holidays ★ I hope you have a wonderful time with your family and friends and that 2017 treats you well!

Keep reading

Imagine Dean staying up all night with your daughter

You walked into the front room to see Dean lying on the sofa, your daughter curled against his chest, his arms protectively around her.

You smiled to yourself, sitting in the armchair and skimming through the local papers that you’d retrieved on your morning run.

The rustling of the paper caused Dean to stir, his eyes fluttering open and arms tensing before relaxing again.

“What time’s it?” he murmured, and you shrugged.

“Ten-ish,” you told him, “You can go to sleep, if you want. I can take Kate from here.”

He fake-glared at you, his arms tightening around Katie, “You will not take my niece from me.”

You smiled at his protectiveness.

“Isn’t she getting a bit old to be sleeping with her uncle?” you teased, mimicking his words from a few months ago.

He smiled, kissing your daughter’s forehead.

“I’ll take all the snuggles I can get.”

Daddy!Sam verse

when i was four years old, i was very obsessive about having my socks at the same length.
if they didn’t align to the t, i’d throw fits. and for the first few months, my parents saw this as a cute little quirk - something that made their darling daughter a tiny bit more interesting.
but what what was interesting was how my mind would refuse to let me step a foot out of the door if i dared to mismatch my socks, or god forbid, have them anything but at the same length. doctors would’ve jumped at getting the chance to examine me, and why i was so fucking obsessive. that’s interesting. that’s different.


when i was eight years old, i was teased for the way i ate. small, precise nibbles or else your family will die in a car crash in exactly ten minutes. oh, and you have to eat in twos or fours or tens otherwise you’ll get food poisoning. but my quirk made me different, right? and how could any of these people eat the way they did? weren’t they concerned about their loved ones burning to death because they forgot to take a fourth bite?


when i was nine years old, i was shouted at for using all the hot water. but i had to. i had to scrub and scrub and scrub at my flesh until it burned bloody and raw, otherwise the water would transform into acid when the next person used it. i had to, otherwise the bugs would squirm under my skin and lay babies there. i could feel them brewing, and so i scrubbed. i scrubbed. i scrubbed. i scrubbed-


when i was ten years old, i was grounded for changing the volume on the tv remote to an even number. my hand was quickly slapped away, and i was reprimanded immediately. but why? why were they so ungrateful? i was just trying to save them. thirteen is a bad number, you know; unlucky. do you want to be unlucky? do you love my quirk now?


when i was twelve years old, i convinced myself i was a murderer. i convinced myself that my favourite celebrities had hurt me and i wasn’t allowed to like them anymore. i became so sick with guilt that i was either throwing up or hiding in my bedroom. how did my friends do their homework when their minds were focused unwillingly on knives? why was my ‘quirk’ keeping me hostage in my own mind?


when i was still twelve years old, i ended up confessing everything to my mother through a flood of tears after an extreme panic attack. and she didn’t really understand, but our doctor insisted i had something called obsessive compulsive disorder. and finally i could breathe, i could loosen the chains on my wrist and stop worrying. my quirk wasn’t so interesting as it was daunting, after all. my prison door was still locked shut, but at least i had the courage now to attempt to open it.


when i was fourteen years old, i would constantly be reminded of embarrassing situations. they’d play in my mind like a jukebox or a tape recorder, and i wouldn’t have the heart nor the wits to press pause. i’d be haunted by visions of my dead family, their graves a mock gift from one side of my head to another. and yet,why couldn’t i unlock the door? ocd had stepped into my mind without even shutting the door or wiping it’s feet, so why couldn’t i return the favour?


when i was fifteen years old, everybody would be staring at me constantly. they had to be, didn’t they? they could see the intrusive thoughts blaring in my brain and the neon sign above my head reading ‘FREAK’ and the note stuck to my back saying ‘KILL ME’. the prison door still won’t open.


when i was still fifteen years old, ocd had swamped my life like it wanted to consume me. and i let it; guiding it around like a shadow on a leash. the door is still locked, and whenever i try to open it, the shadow looms. i’m it’s prisoner, after all, and this quirk has booked me in for a life sentence.
i stop going to school. i stop posting stories online. i stop eating. i stop showering. the dishes pile up in the sink and my dog whines for a walk. i start crying.
i start dying.


when i was still fifteen years old, i began seeing a counsellor. for real, this time, and despite her and everyone else around me being tainted by my intrusive thoughts, i saw the glimmer in her eyes and recognised it as hope. i stopped trying to open the door. instead, i saw the hand poking through the slot in it, beckoning me to take a hold and trust. trust.
and so i did, and boy did i grip tight, holding onto her like she was my only hope from a next stop to insanity.


i stopped trying to open the door. and instead, i started looking for the key.

—  ocd

I am done hiding. This is me right now. Raw and unedited. No underwear or high waist leggings tucking me in. No extra tight top squeezing every bit of me. Just me and what I let myself get to.

And I have had enough. I just had a long conversation with my mum about my grandmother. See my grandmother is obese. Morbidly obese. Always has been and probably always will be. I have always seen her drag herself everywhere and thought that was just being old and being a grandma. The 20+ daily pills. The diabetes, osteoporosis, high blood pressure, arrhythmia, colitis and heart attacks. Old age. All while watching her eat herself to death.

She is now 72 and has given up on life. The doctors keep telling her that she needs to lose weight, that she can get WLS in order to get knee surgery for her osteoporosis. Her weight is literally crushing her bones. And she still refuses to do anything. She still choses to blame other people and everything else but her for what is happeningm.

And then I look at me. And at how everyone tells me that I look like her when she was in her 20s. But at this pace I will look like her in her 50s and 60s. And I don’t want that.

I don’t want a life of pain and of always feeling like there could be more. Should be more.

I keep preventing myself from having experiences. From living life. And why? Because of food? Why am I allowing that temporary pleasure to keep me captive for my whole adult life? Why am I allowing a few minutes of pleasure to prevent me from having a lifetime of health?

And before you tell me: yes I am beautiful. And yes I love myself. But I don’t feel it when I get winded going up the stairs at work. Or when my clothes dig into me and cut my skin. Or when my joints start to hurt. I don’t feel beautiful when I want to jump into my boyfriend’s lap and smother him with kisses but I stop and think I might hurt him. I don’t feel it when someone takes a photo of me and you can hardly see my eyes because they are being hidden by my cheeks.

This ends now. Not in the New Year or next Monday or at the start of the month. NOW. I am in this for the long haul and I have no time to lose.

This whole trend of underage girls literally counting the days until they can legally start doing sex work(sugaring) is sooo bizarre to me. 

Like “I cant wait until my dumbass turns 18 so I can make a SA profile so I can get scammed into fucking wrinkly old men for 150pm” It’s sad tbh. Don’t you guys even consider enjoying your youth for a bit? These old men will suck the life out of you.