You ask me time after time, and I tell you no, that I’m not ready for anything more. But you beg and beg, and ask me why I won’t. “I just don’t want that to be all you want” I say, looking away from your face. You take my hand and I slowly look back up at you. “That’s not all I want, that’s definitely not all I want. I’m happy just being with you” you say. Even though I know it’s true, I can’t help feeling as if I’m going to cry. I lay back down on your chest and hold back that sick feeling. “I won’t ask you anymore. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” I half-smile, like one of those smiles when you’re pretending to be okay, but on the inside you’re crying. “It’s okay”, I softly reply. Those were the words I needed to hear. Now, if only those were the last words I heard. Soon enough, you ask just one more time, and I reply with the same answer. No, I can’t, and I won’t. The whole thing scares me. It’s not that I don’t love him, it’s not that I wouldn’t do anything and everything for him, I’m just not ready yet. He needs to understand that. And I’m afraid that if I don’t do it, I’ll lose him. I’m afraid that if I keep saying no, he’ll eventually leave me for someone else who will. These worries flood my mind all the time. And although I know it’s not true, he wouldn’t leave me like that, I’m still afraid because I don’t know. I can’t afford to lose him. And if he really loves me like I know he does, he would understand.
— I just don’t want to lose you… 3.24.17