the morning after you kill yourself:
your little sister comes to wake you up so you can make pancakes. she shakes you to wake you up; most of the time you won’t move so she’ll try again until she realizes something is wrong. she’s seen this in movies, she knows you’re not breathing. tears fall from her eyes and she can’t breathe. then suddenly she’s breathing too quickly and she falls to the floor, not knowing what to do.
your mother comes to your room to see what’s happening. she sees your sister on the floor and you laying lifeless in bed. she can see blood stains and she gets a sinking feeling in her stomach. she carries your sister to the room and tells her to remain still as she comes back into your room. she removes the sheets to see the cuts and burn marks on the sides of your stomach and on your left wrist. she blames herself for all the things she’s said to you. she blames herself for not helping you, not knowing you were hurting, not being there for you. she can’t move any longer but somehow she calls your brother and tells him to drive over.
your brother comes into the house with a smile on his face, he seems happy. then he sees your mother’s face and the smiles disappears. he barely has a chance to mutter your name when your mother begins crying again. he slowly walks into your room and what he wanted to prevent, the one thing he tried to make sure would never happen is right in front of him. he tried so hard to be there for you, tried so hard to let you know he was on your side, that he would always be on your side. he falls to his knees and tries to stay in control of his emotions but he cannot.
the rest of your family finds out one by one.
your father’s sisters and brother don’t know what to do. they always thought you were happy; they knew sometimes it was hard but they thought you were strong. how were they supposed to explain this to your cousins? how were they supposed to believe this themselves?
your mother’s sisters and brothers can’t put into words the emotions they feel. each of them waking up thinking it was a normal day, wondering what they would do today, only to find out they would be helping your mother plan a funeral.
your friends and co-workers would find out later in the day. they can’t believe it either. you were such a nice girl, always kind and smiling, hardworking too. it would affect your boss the most, the one who thought of you as a daughter.
the word would disseminate and people who knew of you but didn’t know you will feel a small sliver of hurt, remembering good things they noticed about you.
you see, you think that with death, your pain goes away, but in reality, your pain gets dispersed into the lives of all the people you loved, all the people you knew, and all the people who knew you. there are so many people here for you, look around. you’re loved, don’t wait until it’s too late to realize that.