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how to win in jumpers (with steps)

1. groom horse
2. put your Ogilvy set, CWD saddle, running martingale, and bellyguard on horse
3. strap on the pinch boots
4. put on figure eight bridle (even if your horse doesnt need it you have to sorry i dont make the rules)
5. make sure to use the most unnecessary bit possible
6. step into your weirdly shaped/colored stirrups and get on
7. head to the schooling ring
8. once you’re there, start warming up
9. make sure to almost crash into other people multiple times to assert dominance
10. once you’re ready, go to the ring
11. go over the course
12. go over it again
13. draw it in the air
14. once you’re sure you know it, go over it again
15. walk into ring. or trot. or gallop. its the jumpers, who cares
16. while waiting for the buzzer, do a deformed serpentine around the ring
17. show your horse “scary” jumps even though they could care less
18. when the buzzers sound, head to the first jump
19. the entire purpose of the jumper division is to make the spectators have heart attacks. if you dont hear gasps at every jump, you’re doing it wrong
20. when jumping, remember distances don’t matter. neither do strides. just go clear
21. ignore your trainer’s desperate pleas to slow down
22. after your last jump, lay on the horses neck and kick them. galloping through the timers is key
23. if by some miracle you manage to go clear, draw your jump off course in the air
24. in the jump off, think of the jumps as speedbumps
25. go as fast as possible and rip off your horse’s face through the turns
26. remember step #19
27. make those weird sounds/grunts over some jumps that you think make your horse jump better
28. after last jump, repeat #22 and slap horse’s neck as hard as possible while smiling
29. try to go straight from canter to walk when exiting, as your horse is probably dead lame at the trot now
30. congratulations, you are now a successful jumper