You know what, fuck it, here are some of the definitions from the Uxbridge English Dictionary from I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue
  • Icicle: A bicycle made by Apple.
  • Immunised: To be innoculated against Emus.
  • Impale: Alcoholic beverage for a small goblin.
  • Implement: Funeral dirge for a small goblin.
  • Important: Buy an ant from abroad.
  • Importune: Unable to sing properly.
  • Incandescent: Rolling downhill in a tin.
  • Increment: The opposite of excrement.
  • Ignorant: To totally disregard an insect.
  • Insolvent: A small covered duct at the back of a shoe.
  • Investigator: To include a crocodilian in the New Years Honours list.
  • Juniper: Did you bite that woman?
  • Justice: Nothing other than ice.
  • Kaleidoscope: New traffic camera which only captures accidents.
  • Kingdom: A contraceptive specially made for royalty.
  • Kindred: Fear of one’s own family.
  • Knowing: Unable to fly.
  • Kowtow: To drag a large farm animal.
  • Lackadaisical: A bicycle made for one.
  • Lactose: A person missing two or more of the five foot digits.
  • Lactose Intolerant: A person who becomes very angry when missing two or more of the five foot digits.
  • Lavender: Someone who’s sole purpose is to destroy toilets.
  • Lobster: Someone addicted to throwing things.
  • Locomotive: A plea of insanity.
  • Ludicrous: What happens when you lose at ludo.
  • Magistrate: Madge isnt a lesbian.
  • Malcontent: What you find in your local shopping arcade.
  • Malediction: Irresistble compulsion to spend all your time in a shopping arcade.
  • Malinger: A person who hangs around shopping centres.
  • Mandrake: A mythical creature, half man half duck.
  • Manganese: A condition affecting the leg joints of Japanese comic artists.
  • Miasma: The reason I carry my inhaler.
  • Migrate: The speed that a Russian fighter jet travels at.
  • Minister: Only moving the teaspoon very slightly.
  • Myspace: The velocity of rodents.
  • Noble: Really true.
  • Nomad: Not at all angry.
  • Nostrum: Misplayed guitar chord.
  • Notable: A complete lack of desks.
  • Nudity: A song to sing when the old one gets stale and boring.
  • Oasis: A card player’s cry of delight.
  • Odyssey: A slightly stranger ocean.
  • Okapi: All right, a pie.
  • Operated: A classical music loving soft toy.
  • Orphanage: Anywhere between about 3 and 18, usually.
  • Ostracised: To be innoculated against Ostriches.
  • Panache: Residue in the skillet due to excessive heat.
  • Paperback: What a masseuse earns.
  • Paramedics: Two doctors.
  • Partridge: Just a bit of a hill.
  • Pearly: A bit like a pear.
  • Penitent: Extremely inexpensive camping equipment.
  • Perversion: The cat’s story.
  • Phantom: To waft air over a male cat.
  • Piccalilli: To take a flower.
  • Pipette: A very small pip.
  • Pirate: A very angry pie.
I'd like to play a game of Mornington Crescent.

If any of my followers know how to play the game, please reblog and make your move. If any of your followers know how to play, they can make the next move.

I realise that may end up with rather a lot of players (I hope) but if we play by Oswald’s extended rules that should make it work. Let’s play fair and have a nice interesting game everybody.

Starting nice and easy for any newcomers to the game,


Delilah (take 2)
Rob Brydon

This is the same round and the same song as the previous clip, but that was from an old episode whereas this was from a current one (at the time).  The rerun aired on BBC7 a couple days before the new episode aired on Radio 4, amusingly enough.  They were both impressive but this one was epic.

Delilah (take 1)
Barry Cryer

Pick-Up Song is a round on I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue where a panellist sings along with a recording, then the volume is turned down, and they have to keep singing unaccompanied, trying to keep with the unheard music well enough that when the volume is turned up again they have not strayed more than ‘a gnat’s crotchet’ from the original.

Sometimes the audience helps.

World War Two Chat up lines from Stephen Fry on I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue
  • Stephen Fry: All POW's are welcome to share my tunnel
  • Stephen Fry: You don't know what a dishonourable discharge is? Well, let me enlighten you.
  • Stephen Fry: Stop, or I'll shoot!
  • Stephen Fry: Those Fokkers have given me an idea..
Coconuts from Ipanema
BBC Radio 4

And now we are into I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue, the antidote to panel games, which has been running so long it’s practically built up its own subculture and mythology.  I won’t try to explain Samantha, or the Lionel Blair running gags, but I will tell you that one of the frequently recurring rounds is called One Song To The Tune Of Another.  This is always explained to the audience by the host in as confusing a manner as possible, but does what it says on the tin.

I’ve already featured one song from this round, Bob the Builder to The Girl from Ipanema … This has the same tune but substitutes the lyrics of “I’ve Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts” instead.

Yes, fellow young(ish) people, it is an actual song, and was not invented for Zazu to sing in The Lion King.  I was surprised, too, the first time I heard it.