ishouldntevenbehere

I wake up every morning always feeling the same, wanting to feel like I deserve a place in this world. I never feel good enough, except at school I feel at ease when I’m with my friends. Talking to the people who care about me, even though I’m a little odd. I feel a bit better but then I start to subconsciously doubt myself. “Why do they want to be my friends, there are plenty of other people who are a lot better than I am”. 
I know that all of my problems are caused by never thinking I’m good enough for anything, except I can’t feel any other way. I try my best at so many things and I’ve never really felt good enough about anything. Out of all the things I could have been I’m just ‘this’. Ever since I had surgery I’ve non-stop thought about how terrible it was, it made me feel socially degraded, as though I was inadequate to be around the people I used to enjoy being around. I used to love going out with people but now I don’t even want to leave home… 
Every day at school acting like nothing is ever wrong, pretending to be the happiest carefree guy in the world because I couldn’t deal with any of it. I wanted to tell people how I felt but I don’t want to 'bother them’.
If I keep going I’ll always feel like a failure, but I just don’t know how to feel any other way….