Actual footage of me doing maths

Poor Dentistry

Our party’s dragonborn fighter just won a brutal bar fight against a half-orc slaver

DM: “Your strike fells Baeshh Bloodhand, and he falls to the floor. Do you search his pockets?”

Player: “Yes, and I attempt to pull out one of his tusks as a prize.”

DM: “Roll a strength check.”

The player proceeds to get a nat 20

DM: “In an attempt to pull a tooth, your dragonborn accidentally rips the half-orc’s entire jaw off, sending it flying across the room and into the lap of a very disgruntled elf.”

Player: “I thought he was just asleep, but… not anymore?”

The entire party erupts into laughter

Player: “If I had a copper piece for every time I’d accidentally dismembered someone, I’d have two copper pieces- which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice.”

Licking the Carpets Clean

Background: The party had just moved into an abandoned keep and were a few days into restoring it to a liveable condition. It is now late in the evening and the hired housekeeper, a mid-twenties human woman, comes out of the kitchen to bring a quickly prepared dinner to the group. She had been receiving some grief from our tiefling paladin about the floors not being clean enough to eat off of all day. So when she sets the food before us she mutters under her breath, “I swear, if anyone drops any of this on the floor I will make you eat it off the floor and/or lick the carpets clean.”

Me (human druid): Do I hear this.

DM: It was muttered loud enough that you could hear it with your passive perception, yes. 

Druid: I would like to cast feather fall on the housekeeper and then make an attack roll to trip her with my staff.

DM: Okay, make an attack roll vs her dexterity saving roll, with advantage thanks to feather fall.

Druid: rolls 17 

DM: Well she rolled a 5 and an 11, so as she turns back towards the kitchen you lower the end of your staff catching it between her feet and she falls to the ground, quickly at first and then softly as feather fall takes affect. 

Everyone: (silence)

Druid: I look down at the housemaid, smirk, and then with my -2 modifier to charisma say, “Oops looks like I dropped you on the floor, I guess I will have to lick your carpet clean.“ 

(Everyone looks to me and then the DM, stunned, as this is the first time ever playing my character has done anything like this, usually being the serious one of the group)

DM: Roll a straight charisma check, with disadvantage. 

Druid: First roll Natural 20, second roll… another Nat 20!!

DM: Seriously, she rolled a 2 for her charisma saving throw!

Druid: The druid leans further down to her ear and whispers, "your quarters or mine”.

(Everyone loses it at this point.)

(The housekeeper and my druid have been dating ever since and may have a little one on the way.)

Sometimes I just want to know why every damn bastard in this industry feels the right to offend and disparage Louis Tomlinson. But the thing is that he ALWAYS stand out because he’s so beautiful and kind, he’s also so loved by his fans and bandmates, they talk about him with so much love and adoration. Everyone is watching him because he is so creative and talented, a true leader. I would go to war for him, because he’s worth it. So at this rate their comments are useless to me, He has shown that he cares about me, about us. I wouldn’t change him for anything, never

Can I just remind everyone that these boys are in fact idiots a lot of the time. And I 100% would not have them any other way.

Harry is not smooth nor cool.

Louis is not big or tough as he likes to think he is

Niall is….Niall

Liam is not actually cool or sexy

And together well….honestly it’s a bit of a mess

But so help me if you try and hurt these boys I will fight you. Because I love these idiots and they deserve the world.

None of these gifs are mine, all credit to the makers.