I gained followers so quickly, it sort of shocked me. This blog is relatively new, but I’ve had so many nice people follow it, leave comments, and even converse with me. It’s been a very pleasant experience so far.
I had joked with myself that, should I ever make as many posts as I have followers, I’d just quit this blog. That moment has finally arrived. It took way longer than I thought it would.
Even then I’m joking of course. I’m not gonna ditch a blog when I have so much drive and so many ideas. THERE’S TOO MUCH TO DO RIGHT NOW.
The need for clinical distance, popular science and hours in the dark.
Not missing in action, just missing out on the action.
There are times when all I can stomach between social things, work things, my own brain and the signalling errors within are books or audio books about brains. I am not certain why, but there’s something so unemotional (yet very much not boring at all) about it, and when I’m too tired of feeling to listen to podfic or read fic, these things are my refuge. A mental place where all the chaos around and within almost make sense and where the pieces almost fit together and where connections can be made. It’s restful, but not “ocean waves” mind-numbing. Amongst synapses and case studies and popular science and articles I can push everything aside, because after all, that’s all it is. Neurons and impulses and sensory data. Receptors and signaling errors and everything else that’s so impersonal, clinical and yet so… freaking amazing.
And so I listen to audiobooks, because reading is still a bit hard. I watch - well; listen - to lectures on YouTube. I drown my mind in facts about minds, and I try to rest my eyes in-between work, selling of flat, of social things that I really shouldn’t say yes to at this point and all other things that I will just make it through. And I rest, and it’s yet to pay off, but it will. And therapy starts again in two days and I’m stressed about that too, because it’s terrifying at times. Insight therapy, because insights hurt. And yet. It gets better. But I don’t always like my insights. And talking about my… emotions with someone who is there to do just that will never not be scary. She calls me out on my intellectualisations. How could that be anything but exposing?
In the dark of my bedroom, I hear people walk by outside my window, hear SO’s even breaths and feel my own heart beat (it’s a bit too rapid, too palpable; cutting back on beta blockers). I am currently mostly lost in my own head, and self-absorbed, my defenses up and my nerves on the wrong side of my skin. A bit hard to reach, but intellectually aware of the fact that there are people I probably miss and things I probably miss doing, but at the same time still too tired to afford feeling it. A bit numb from all the overloads and a few odd meltdowns. A bit frayed from having too little short time memory - even for me - and having to compensate for it constantly whilst also being too tired to bother regulating my emotions at home. I listen to the night outside, and it feels distant, but then I think that that’s just what I need it to be. Distant. Because everything that comes too close will get right under my skin right now. It’s not the way things usually are. It’s a consequence. A tell-tale sign that some something’s wrong and needs fixing.
And so I’m working on it. Less demands, less social, less input. More neuroscience. Because it makes more sense than anything else. Clinical. Fascinating.
What a lovely day to remember that asexuals and aromantics are included in the LGBT on pure virtue of being asexual or aromantic alone, regardless of their romantic (for aces) or sexual (for aros) orientation in addition to their asexuality/aromanticism. Truly a lovely, marvelous day.
I’m super proud of this because this took like a whole week and [insert weird noises here] I’m just so happy tbh. Hopefully people get to see this because i did my best and i’m just super freaking happy it’s done ok. i love my boys very much and they deserve all the happiness in the world
AU in which Newt brought Credence along to look for creatures, and real!Graves is in recovery inside the case. Let everyone be happy today :’D This started out as a sketch when the first heatwaves hit and took way too long to finish haha Art blog: questionartbox [Print available!]