I’ve been having intense trouble with anxiety this semester and one of my coping mechanisms is to talk about it as often as possible with people I trust and who understand what I’m going through. Recently I’ve had a couple people dismiss my worries by trying to normalize them… saying things like “Everyone gets stressed out” and “I wish you weren’t so upset about being worried and stressed so often, everyone has to deal with stress”.
And at first I had been trying to explain that my brain interprets stress differently than “normal” brains but it’s getting to the point where I’m feeling more like a burden and something that no one really understands so they’re just frustrated and annoyed with me all the time.
And on top of that, I’m questioning whether or not I have anxiety (despite being professionally diagnosed with it) or if I’m just blowing things out of proportion and using it as an excuse for how I react to things.
But I try so fucking hard to not have anxiety attacks, to calm myself down when I start to notice the signs, to talk about my stressors instead of keeping them inside to let them multiply and grow and poison me. I try so hard to have control over this thing that I’m living with. Simply coming from high school to college, I’ve noticed a significant increase of anxiety in me over the past year. I know that it’s because I’m on my own now and as much as I enjoy living independently or mostly independently at least, it does cause a lot of stress because I am (almost) totally responsible for myself and where my life goes and what I do well and what I fuck up and that’s terrifying. I trust myself but…
Anyway, I’m just not doing very well recently and I’m worried it’s going to keep getting worse. And anxiety doesn’t get steadily worse. If it was on a graph, it wouldn’t be a straight diagonal line, the increase is a very narrow parabola because as it gets worse, I notice it getting worse and realizing that it’s getting worse makes it worse again and anxiety is a fucking avalanche that I can only put obstacles in the way of to slow it down, but never really stop it completely.