is this how my brain deals with stress

April 25, 2015

Currently amidst of dealing with our research paper that is - in fact - due next week. How can our teacher be so cruel and.. heartless. Wow.

Its stressing me out and draining all my brain energy because not more than a week to go, I’ll be dealing with THE real problem — finals. 

Anyhoo, I miss tumblr and everybody I have forgotten or who have forgotten about me (seems fair enough). I’ve been busy with college and I hope I’ll be working on here soon, again - well, maybe.

Goodbye x

I am ready

I’m dealing a lot with dealing with things. Death, love, loss, stress, organization, life, work, school. These past few months have been testy and hard and terrifying. Realizing how much I absolutely fear being forgotten by people I love. Learning to look past broken relationships and move on. - move on. move. on. I want those words to resonate in my mind and stay tattooed on my brain. // man Jesus has pressed in lately. He totally shook me up one night while taking a bath (I always take baths, but that’s besides the point) and he literally told me I HAD to move on from my last relationship. I HAD to stop analyzing every little detail of why it didn’t work out and MOVE THE HECK ON. So I wrote to myself. And to God. And to him. A letter to myself, reminding me of how much I am worth and all the value I contain simply within my hungry heart alone. A letter to Jesus letting Him know I was ready to finally trust Him. No matter what that means, I was ready. Life of singleness? Bring it on. (This scared me for the longest time) what if? What if I was alone forever? Then I realized how incredible my father is and IF he called me to it, it would be a DAMN good life. 2 Timothy 4:6-8 days, “All that’s left now is the shouting—God’s applause! Depend on it, he’s an honest judge. He’ll do right not only by me, but by everyone eager for his coming.” // Jesus won’t leave me hangin. Bottom line. So what’s there to be scared of? He’s always come through, he’s ALWAYS been loyal, so I give you my trust. Fully and completely. - a letter to him. Saying goodbye. With every letter I pressed into that page, I let go with my heart. Little by little, then all at once. I am no longer chained to you. You can no longer hurt me.

Jesus is shapin me, transforming me. And I love every second of it. Painful or not, I am hungry for Jesus. I wish to know him more and for that alone- he loves me. I’m grateful tonight for change and patience. I’m a tough one to break and yet Jesus waited until I was ready. / I am ready.

So a quick review of my first 3 months of 2015 its been one hell of a couple of months

-mum was diagnosed with her illness so I have to make sure she is okay

-moving house which is always stressful

-farther being agrresive so I have to deal with it to protect my family

-having a bleed on my brain

-breaking up with my gf so I could be friends wiht a girl then yeah let’s just leave that one at that

-then revision is getting stressful

Top it all off I found out I’m a dick who doesn’t know how to treat a friend properly

Other then all that the past 3 months have been pretty normal so yeah cannot wait for the next 9 yay

My brain keeps randomly telling me to panic because of cookies, and then I have to go into manual override and calm myself down because I don’t work there anymore and I never have to deal with them again. It’s all so surreal.

What’s rad is that I basically don’t need any training for this job and I’m already doing super well and my boss keeps stressing to me how important and great that I am. Yaaaay.

3

We got in an argument yesterday. That’s it. A tiny little argument. It was over in fifteen or twenty minutes, but it came from nowhere and disappeared. I cried. We forgave each other. I still love him, probably more than before because I know how he has to deal with me sometimes.

Why does my brain refuse to let me just accept that he has forgiven me? He has said everything he needs to, I heard him say it. I heard him getting choked up apologizing. I just don’t understand what’s going on in my head.

It’s probably stress from school mixing with tiredness. The argument was just a catalyst. But if this is like a chemical reaction, it’s not constant. There’s nothing else to feed it, and all that’s left is a product. I think the product of this is knowing more about each other.

I wouldn’t worry. I don’t need to. He’s in love with me as much as I am him, and there’s nothing that I ever want to change that. I will never stop hoping that we will stick together. People fight. I just need to accept that he’s moved past it. Somehow, I need to just accept it all and move on. Because God knows, I want to.

I’d forgotten how much ucas applications stress me out. worse - I’ve completely forgotten how to write a personal statement which isn’t awful. and I know I am going to have to deal with student finance again soon and I HATE STUDENT FINANCE.

but on the plus side, I’ve been practising for these skills tests and it seems my mathematical brain is just about equal to a nine year old’s. yaaaaay!

❤ #Repost @zombiegogo
・・・
Wake up, coffee (and breakfast), workout until my heart breaks, more coffee. Repeat! I have suffered all winter with holiday - and being parachuted in unfamiliar territory- weight gain. Almost all of it was/is stress related, it’s how my stupid brain deals with being afraid of change. So I got mad and did something about it 💪🏼. Hello again abs, I missed you so!

You always ask me what my workout regimen is, and although there is no one answer (I constantly switch things up), right now I’m on a weight lifting, Les mills, p90x, yoga, and turbo fire hybrid that I just make up as I go.
If you’re not familiar with those names it’s just a HIIT, cardio, stretching, aerobics and “martial arts” mix, every week, 7 days a week. No rest days for this one!!! 👊🏼

{Personal}

I’ve been having intense trouble with anxiety this semester and one of my coping mechanisms is to talk about it as often as possible with people I trust and who understand what I’m going through. Recently I’ve had a couple people dismiss my worries by trying to normalize them… saying things like “Everyone gets stressed out” and “I wish you weren’t so upset about being worried and stressed so often, everyone has to deal with stress”.

And at first I had been trying to explain that my brain interprets stress differently than “normal” brains but it’s getting to the point where I’m feeling more like a burden and something that no one really understands so they’re just frustrated and annoyed with me all the time. 

And on top of that, I’m questioning whether or not I have anxiety (despite being professionally diagnosed with it)  or if I’m just blowing things out of proportion and using it as an excuse for how I react to things. 

But I try so fucking hard to not have anxiety attacks, to calm myself down when I start to notice the signs, to talk about my stressors instead of keeping them inside to let them multiply and grow and poison me. I try so hard to have control over this thing that I’m living with. Simply coming from high school to college, I’ve noticed a significant increase of anxiety in me over the past year. I know that it’s because I’m on my own now and as much as I enjoy living independently or mostly independently at least, it does cause a lot of stress because I am (almost) totally responsible for myself and where my life goes and what I do well and what I fuck up and that’s terrifying. I trust myself but…

Anyway, I’m just not doing very well recently and I’m worried it’s going to keep getting worse. And anxiety doesn’t get steadily worse. If it was on a graph, it wouldn’t be a straight diagonal line, the increase is a very narrow parabola because as it gets worse, I notice it getting worse and realizing that it’s getting worse makes it worse again and anxiety is a fucking avalanche that I can only put obstacles in the way of to slow it down, but never really stop it completely.  

My Forever

It’s nights like tonight that make me realize that I have the most amazing boyfriend ever.

Sometimes my brain goes into crazy girlfriend mode but he deals with me and loves me anyway. Even when he is having a crappy day, he takes the time to remind me how much he loves me and that he thinks I am prettier than that girl I am jealous about. He talks me though my stress about not being able to talk to him for a few weeks while I am away in Europe. He is willing to stay up and talk to me and make sure I am okay rather than go to sleep and have me be upset about something.

It’s nights like tonight that I know that he is my forever.

I'm about to share too much info

Ya'lol please ignore this and just take it as my brain overheating from all the finals craze. So I woke up this morning and realized that my period was 2 weeks late. Now this is a big deal because I have NEVER been late. Instead of thinking that this is due to me stressing over finals and shit. My initial thought were that I’m sure I am pregnant, I proceeded to spend about 10 minute trying to remember the last time I had sex and if I used protection. Get this ya’ll I’m a virgin… How the fuck did I forget that????
Finals have really got me going crazy