Magnus didn’t know why he was awake. There were no lingering thoughts of nightmares or other demons rambling off in his head. He was empty. And that’s what bothered him. He slipped silently from the silk sheets and left his peaceful Alexander to the wistful grasps of sleep. He smiled at the soft little snores that came from his throat, even though he consistently denied the act. Magnus loved every part of him.
He made his way to the kitchen and noticed the time: two in the morning. It was never too soon to start the day, Alexander had told him once. He’d have to use that. He barely even noticed the passing of time, hour after hour, until he heard his name being called from the bedroom in attempt to gain his attention. “I’m in the kitchen, darling.”
Alexander appeared soon after with an apparent bird’s nest wrapped around in his hair. The poor locks were pointing every direction. “Why’d you leave?”
“Again?” This was not like the first time. He wasn’t able to sleep in the nights following the after effects of Azazel’s spell and ever since then Alexander was worried whenever he didn’t get a good night’s rest. He tried to hide his wince, but Alexander’s hand on his arm told him it hadn’t worked. “Tell me.”
“There’s nothing to tell. I promise.”
“Okay. I trust you. You know I do.” Alec reassured him with a kiss to the forehead. Magnus could feel the instant relief and warmth that always came with it. “Coffee?”
Magnus poured him a grateful cup of just coffee. “Isabelle called an hour ago or so.” Alec groaned just before taking a greedy sip of the bitter brew. Magnus could never understand how he could drink the stuff. He preferred just the right amount of sugar and cream. “Patrols. Are you using me as a means to get out of your job, Shadowhunter?”
Magnus elicited a growl of sorts from Alexander’s throat. He knew exactly what the nickname did to the man. His darkening eyes surfaced over the rim of his cup. “No comment.”
He took a moment to take a long drink of his cup before saying the choice words he’d decided on: “Well fuck me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that a Shadowhunter’s job? To protect people?”
“You’re wrong,” he spit out without missing a beat. He nearly cut the man off after the first question. “You’re wrong.”
“Am I?” Magnus coyly kept his gaze low on the prowling Shadowhunter. He stepped closer and closer to the magical man, side stepping the counter and gracefully setting both of their cups out of harm’s way. They had already broken too many cups. Alexander picked him up with one swipe of his arm and Magnus in turn wrapped an arm around his neck, keeping the other free to stroke the stubble on the underside of his jaw where it met his neck. He almost earned a low purr had it not been for the small yelp when he rear touched the surface of the dining room table.
“You said a Shadowhunter’s job,” Alec corrected, and expertly started to lower the both of them until Magnus was completely parallel with the table. “It’s not just me, Magnus. It’s the both of us. I’m the man running the streets, the shadows. You are my eyes in the sky and the power thrumming through the city. We protect the people. Shadowhunters and Downworlders.”
Magnus’ mouth ran dry. “I…. I stand corrected.”
“You lay corrected. And oh so wrong.”
“Alexander…” Magnus’ brain practically short circuited when he placed his open lips to the hollow of his collar bone. He was thankful he was able to get the chopped words out, “What do you plan to do to me now?”
His dear Alexander didn’t have the room to say anything else. His lips were all too preoccupied with the exploration of open fresh skin. The junction of his neck, the curve of his shoulder, the center of his chest, the smooth skin void of his belly button, and more. So much more. Magnus’ body arched to the touches, licks and kisses that Alexander had become well-adept in. He would be happy to say that they only broke a chair that morning, and Magnus had the best sleep in his life.
If you got out of bed today, I’m proud of you. If you ate breakfast today, I’m proud of you. If you took your meds today, I’m proud of you. If you did one good thing today, for you or for someone else, small or big, I’m proud of you. I know how hard it is, you’re doing great.
Hi All, I know I haven’t been active in a while and I want to explain why. I know I’m going to lose some followers for posting my thoughts, but I truly want to be transparent with all of you. I made a decision last February to take my endometriosis and PCOS’s specialist’s advice and began the process of getting ready for a bariatric sleeve surgery. I thought I was in a good place mentally and was fully prepared for the outcome of the surgery. Now, three weeks after my surgery, I am uneasy with this choice.
After seven months of monitored weight management and medical consultations, my surgery was approved for late December 2017. I still felt at this point that the surgery was the only way to truly have a life without chronic pain. Every day hurts, as cheesy as it sounds, and as much as I did not want my weight to interfere with my chronic illness, it actually exasperated it in multiple ways. While I know this decision was the correct one for my chronic illness/pain, I have come to realize that I am not fully accepting of this decision because my motives were not completely body positive. I know there were sometimes I thought to myself, “Well losing a few pounds wouldn’t hurt my love life” or “Maybe people will respect you more once you have lost weight”. I recognize how drenched my subconscious is in weight-loss culture, even though I am a huge proponent of body positivity.
Because of these thoughts, I have been weighed down in guilt. I am not a role model to younger generations struggling with body image, because I’m still struggling. How can I post about body positivity while I am battling weight loss culture (and sometimes losing)? I believe every body is beautiful, but have a hard time recognizing myself as having a body that should be loved. I care about others so much and never want anyone to have the thoughts that plague me at low points in my mood.
The struggle to love yourself and be gentle with yourself is not easy to battle with. I hope my sharing this shows many of you that you are not alone out there. I try my best to raise awareness for body positivity, but I am far from perfect. I fall prey to advertisements. I am easily persuaded into believing I’m not good enough or I’m too much. Trying to find a balance between chronic pain, weight loss, and body positivity is not easy. To be honest, I’m not sure when I’ll find a balance between those things.
This is extremely hard for me to express out loud, but I feel you all should know who you are following: a human being. A person who is flawed but trying every day to break societal norms and degrading policies. A person who doesn’t have all the answers, but is searching for them and sharing as I go.
I love you all and thank you for all of your love and support. This blog has been cathartic in many ways, and I plan to keep it up. But, I also plan to track my thoughts. I’m not going to talk numbers or “weight loss progress”, but I’m going to talk about how I’m dealing with life and society since the surgery. I am still a firm believer that EVERY SINGLE BODY IS PERFECT AND SHOULD BE CELEBRATED 💜 I believe in the body positivity movement. I will forever be a part of the bopo revolution. I am growing in the movement and I hope to find a true, unfaltering love for myself within this revolution. I hope you choose to stay with me while I nurture my self-love 🌻
Thanks to a special person that gave me the courage to put this on my blog. Thank you for setting me free 🌙