is the shiznit

anonymous asked:

How would reaper/76/mccree react to their crush taking a bullet for them?

//HOLY SHIZNIT I AM    A L I V E

Reaper:

  • Furious. Completely furious. He can ghost his way through a whole hail of bullets, why would they take a single bullet for him?
  • He yells at them the entire way to the emergency room, as they sit there, clutching their arm (which the bullet went through).
  • Gives them a huge, HUGE hug afterwards, telling them to ‘Never do that again’.

Soldier 76:

  • Well, he freaks out. Silently, but he freaks out.
  • He rushes over to them and drops a healing pod, even though the bullet just injured their right leg slightly. He starts the whole lecturing thing, but in the middle of the battle it doesn’t work out too well and they end up having to fall back.
  • You can be sure they have a lecture-off once they get to a secure location, though.
  • His S/O wins the conversation.

McCree:

  • McCree was in the middle of a close-combat fistfight, so he didn’t really see what was going on around him. All he registered was his S/O shouting his name, and the next thing he new he had been pushed to the ground. Once he shakes his head and realizes what happened, S/O already has his opponent to the ground, dead. But something’s wrong. His S/O is clutching their side and as he watches, they drop to their knees with a pained grunt.
  • It’s like a switch is flipped. He immediately bolts up and pulls his S/O to their feet, shouting for Mercy to come heal them. He drags them to a secluded spot and watches over them until Mercy arrives.
  • They’ve lost a lot of blood, but Mercy assures McCree they’ll be alright.
  • Once they recover, he makes sure to never leave their side during a battle.
I just watched all 13 episodes of Riverdale in 10 consecutive hours and

Originally posted by prettyboyaesthetic

charliepix337  asked:

Tomarry- "You leave, you can never come back!" Congrats cxxx

Fandom: Harry Potter

Pairing: Tomarry

Tags: Light Angst, Feels, Friendship, Possessive!Tom, Pre-Tomarry


All he’d wanted was a place to fit in. Instead, he’d learned very quickly that Hogwarts was just another tier to the hellstorm that was his life. It wasn’t just being unliked because the matron of the orphanage told everyone he was a bastard child born of a circus performer. There were more reasons to be hated there than when he was at the orphanage.

He was sorted into Slytherin. Everyone seemed to hate Slytherin. No one stood up for a Slytherin, no one told the truth about Slytherins. If one was sorted into Slytherin House, they could expect half of the school to hate them on principle.

He had a common name that was in no way magical, making him a ‘Mudblood’. Slytherins were notorious for not liking Muggleborn children and being incredibly hostile toward them. So even though he was in their House, his fellow Housemates treated him terribly for his supposed blood status.

He was brilliant. Tom had always been naturally talented and had a thirst for knowledge because knowledge was power. Many students could not fathom the fact that a Mudblood like him could be capable of such magical control or knowledge. And if it wasn’t the bigots who hated him for being a Mudblood who was smarter and better, it was the Ravenclaws who couldn’t stand having competition for ‘best in class’.

He was friends with a Gryffindor. And he used the term ‘friends’ lightly, but it was the best term he had to describe what Harry was to him. Harry had been sorted to the House directly opposing Tom’s. He’d always been inherently kind and merciful. Both being so similar, but while Tom was the punisher, Harry was the savior.

Harry’s name was magical. He looked like another member of his House, almost perfectly should he make his hair brown and eyes hazel. Everyone was convinced he was a misplaced Potter child and there were murmurs of adoption. However the other Potter who was a fourth year, had told Harry that he couldn’t be friends with Tom if he wanted to be adopted.

Harry had refused immediately, stating that Tom had been his friend for longer than he’d known of magic and that Tom was more important than some stuck up family who were just as biased as the people they claimed were the epitome of evil.

If those weren’t reason enough to hate him already, Albus Dumbledore hated him for more reasons than even Tom knew.

He knew the man didn’t like that Tom could speak to serpents. He knew that Dumbledore hated it that Harry and he conversed on a daily basis. He knew that Dumbledore thought Tom a bad example. It was in his body language, the tone of his voice, andhow his eyes followed Tom’s every move. Tom was not trusted in the eyes of a man who knew nothing about him.

The condescending, holier than thou attitude the old fool walked around with was frustrating.

Basically, Tom was hated by a majority of his peers for many reasons either beyond his control, or simply because they were pathetic and jealous.

And a chance to possibly lessen the hatred had arrived that morning, offering to take him away from that hellhole he called a place of residence and have him tutored in the proper magics befitting one such as he. However, it also meant leaving Harry behind.

Mr. Riddle, 

I have been informed of your astonishing ability
in your studies as well as your particular talent
involving serpents. These are not skills that should
be ignored, but praised. They should be allowed
to grow in a healthy environment, where you can
attain self-control of your power without stress.

I feel that my family and I could very well aid you
on your journey to greatness. It would take but a 
few pieces of parchment and some signing to see
your adoption through to the fullest. The Ministry
is very easy to handle in these matters and no one
would seek to have you placed back into your
former home.

You would have access to the best private tutors
available. You would be coached in the proper 
manner befitting a member of Slytherin House.
Perhaps we could purchase you a serpent familiar
of your own so that you may harness your ability.

All of this, plus the benefits of our family name, 
would place you much higher in status among
your peers. Meanwhile, you may be able to learn
about your magical history. Your special language
is in no way common, even among the magical
community.

Your agreement to this proposition would in a
way benefit both parties. We would be honored if
you accepted our offer.

Lord Arcturus Black
The Most Ancient and Noble House of Black

It was a tempting offer. So very tempting. They had something he wanted. Had wanted for years.

“If you leave, you can never come back!“

Tom’s head jerked to the side, seeing Harry standing in the doorway to their shared room at the orphanage. The other boy looked crazed and slightly wary.

“I would be adopted,” said Tom, “of course I wouldn’t come back.”

But Harry’s head was shaking. “If you leave me,” he clarified, “you can never come back.”

It was a startling realisation. Because Harry had denied the chance of a family. A room of his own and full meals. Non-second hand clothing and probably a chance to peruse any shop he wanted without having to worry about funds. Harry had done it for Tom’s sake and their… friendship.

Tom not doing the same would mean abandonment. It would mean leaving Harry to face the horrors of the orphanage without his protection. And Tom knew about the Blacks. They were as extreme as the Potters but on the very opposite end of the spectrum. They did not like Gryffindors and while it was not mentioned, he had no doubt he would be trained into hating Harry for simply his robe colours eventually.

It was more difficult for Tom to make the decision, than it was for Harry. Tom was cruel and self-centered. Until Harry came into his life, he’d only thought about himself. Harry was so free and careless about his own happiness most of the time, that he would willingly give things up for others. Such as a chance at a family all for a child who was a bit too possessive and Dark.

He couldn’t lose Harry though. Harry was the only person who was truly Tom’s. Even if he had trouble defining their relationship, Harry was still Tom’s no matter what.

Looking at the letter, Tom pursed his lips. He didn’t need the fame of another to become great. Besides, Lord Black had revealed a few things in his letter, whether he noticed or not.

  1. Tom’s ability was rare and considered a magical language. It also had ‘history’.
  2. For some reason, having Tom in their family would benefit them, meaning something about him made them consider adoption.
  3. People out there wanted people with Tom’s skills. 

Tom would become great without them, because they’d already given him some answers, and helped him formulate new questions that he could properly research now.

He folded the parchment in half and tucked it back into his trunk. He would reply later.

“I am none too fond of the Blacks,” he confessed. “Walburga caterwauls louder than any Banshee ever could.”

Thankfully, Harry understood what he was saying and knew very well that he was often a deflector when in emotional situations.

The other boy skipped into the room and plopped onto Tom’s bed in order to throw his arms around Tom’s skinny shoulders.

“We’ll take the magical world by storm, Tom. I just know it.”


A/N: This was long. Holy shiznit.

Suitors at the Beach!!!

It’s summertime! I hadn’t seen this before, I apologize if someone else has done this.

Leo -
God help him, and someone get the SPF 150, is there a higher SPF? He needs it.
Wears some funky colored board shorts.
Stays under the umbrella all day and reads. Burns anyway.
Beach towel has parrots on it.
At night he and MC search for seashells, he steps on a Jellyfish and asks MC to pee on his foot 😂

Giles -
Makes sure everyone has sunscreen, sunglasses, and plenty of water.
Wears weirdo short shorts and ties his hair up (haaawt).
Wears a huge ass wide brimmed straw hat.
Brings a fan and one of those misting things- mists MC while she tans 😏
Bless him, he cannot swim well.
Cheetah print beach towel.

Robert -
Wears green swim trunks and unbuttoned floral shirt, and a hat.
Builds huge fucking sand castle and other sand sculptures.
Collects seashells with MC at night to make her a bracelet.
Paints a sunset one evening. 😙
Did he even get in the water?

Albert -
Self conscious of his body. Wears tank top and swim trunks, and sunglasses with the thing around his neck so he won’t lose them.
Wears typically thick dab of sunscreen on his nose.
Researches local shark attacks before getting in the water.
Helps Robert build a sand castle.
Only one MC trusts to rub sunscreen on her, and she asks if her boobs look ok in this swimsuit… 😳
Brings picnic blanket and lunches. 😁

Nico -
Runs away before Albert can put sunscreen on him.
Demolishes sand castles and sculptures.
Likes to scare the shiznit out of MC when she’s on a floaty in the water.
Gets super sunburnt; asks MC to rub aloe vera on him 🙃
Chicken fights with Sid, Leo, Alyn, Louis, Rayvis, and MC.
Loses his swim trunks in the ocean for a bit, has to run down the beach naked to get them where they wash up 😂
Wears himself tf out and sleeps like baby (so precious).

Sid -
Swears he’s gonna show up in a speedo, fortunately wears some dark colored board shorts, and a pair of aviators.
Brings Jess and she loves to swim.
Likes to show off all his tats.
Likes to surf, and pretty good at it.
Brings cooler of drinks.
Also ties his hair back.
Is freaked out by crabs because he thinks they’re creepy. 🤣

Louis -
Ewww sunlight and ppl.
Has the best beach hair, wears some blueish board shorts and LV sunglasses.
Plays volleyball with Alyn, Rayvis, and Byron.
Only one who MC will sit on his shoulders for chicken fights.
Loves sunsets the most.
Drinks coconut water with a straw
Finds the biggest most beautiful sea shells. ☺️

Rayvis -
Wears grey board shorts, and Oakley sunglasses, and has a plaid towel.
Builds a campfire at night for s'mores.
Likes walks along the beach and watching the sunset or stars at night.
Gets a splinter in his foot and MC removes it for him and gives him a band aid.
Pokémon beach towel.
Does not like being in the water if he can’t see the bottom - constantly creeped by “something touching his foot” 😆

Alyn -
Ripped. Best beach body. But super humble.
Kills it at volleyball, and can also surf.
Plays frisbee with Arthur.
Wears board shorts- actually has quite a few pairs.
Gets some super cute freckles when he tans.
Brings a picnic basket with baked goods.
Best swimmer also. 😳

Byron -
Wears speedo (stop staring) and eyepatch (until everyone makes him take it off, because tan lines)
Has a Hello Kitty beach towel and cheapo sunglasses… still hot af.
Swims like a damn dolphin.
Likes to sit in the inner tube and chill.
Sits up all night with MC to look at the stars and watch the sunrise. 😊

anonymous asked:

omg an aethelrik blog, thank you for existing! If it isn't too much trouble, could you break down all the stuff in the books that were not present in the show, relating to aethelflaed and erik's relationship? I haven't read the books and I am dying to know! Thanks in advance!

OMG anon just doing the Lord’s werrrk, thanks! First, just to let you know, the book was written in Uhtred’s POV, so the aethelrik shiznit only started when he went to Beamfleot for the hostage negotiations. Most of what happened in the show are almost the same as in the books but there were some major changes tho, like TV!Aethelflaed was not carrying Aethelred’s child during her captivity. This is going to be a long post anon, so stay with me:

  • When Uhtred first sees Aethelflaed, he was expecting her to maybe look like crap and run to him joyfully as soon as she sees him [cue record scratch sound effect] nooope, before greeting him and asking if daddy was pissed, she and Erik were busy heart-eyes-ing each other that Uhtred just went:
  • In the books, Aethelflaed was treated way better as a prisoner and had 5 maids at her disposal, plus all of her guards were old fogeys. Erik wouldn’t allow any dane without a senior citizen ID to go near her…sorry Haesten :(
  • Had they escaped successfully, Erik would have converted to Christianity, as what he promised Aethelflaed (ಥ‿ಥ)
  • Also Erik said all he wanted was to live peacefully tilling in the fields and taking care of their future farm animals.
  • The conversation Uthred had with Aethelflaed in the show was almost the same as in the books, except that they were in a dining hall celebrating the closed deal with all the Beamfleot squad. She and Erik never even looked at each other the whole night, Uhtred was so amazed he was like, dayum these two are pros [plays footage from the night before]:
  • Erik was willing to swear an oath to Ragnar once they’ve escaped from Beamfleot. He was all, “I’ll join Ragnar’s crew if he lets us crash forever for a bit in Dunholm”. Uhtred considered it and imagined Ragnar to be amused by their love story.
  • Aethelflaed revealed that she didn’t want to like Erik, that to fight the attraction she even resorted to praying… Good try princess, prayers ain’t gonna help you fend off that Danish charm & charisma.
  • There was no cage-the-princess scene in the book. Also, Sigefrid was totally oblivious to his brother’s feelings for the princess, he thought Erik was just using her for sex and would eventually drop her for some saxon bling.
  • Haesten was the one who set fire to the camp so he could whisk away Aethelflaed and go solo on the incoming ransom money. This so enraged Erik that he went total Terminator mode on Haesten’s men, killing everyone in his path without even a shield, it made Uhtred go, “that’s the most badass shit right there the gods are probably loving it.”
  • Sigefrid was the one who recovered Aethelflaed from Haesten’s goons and kept yelling, “I have the bitch”, and Erik was like, “GIVE HER TO ME” twice and that’s when all really went to shit.
  • Sigefrid was also pissed that he didn’t know Aetherik was a thing and that his brother and Uhtred became BFFs so when Erik said he’ll take Aethelflaed and pay the share of ransom money, Sigefrid was like ~hell no! you betrayed me by joining Uhtred’s boyband and wtf happened to bros before hoes? Bitch bye~ not verbatim but you get the drift.
  • Aethelflaed was weeping and shrieking from the time of Erik’s death until the battle was over, that the fighting men around her were spooked af, even Uhtred described it as “a sadness to fill the world”.
  • When Erik died and his body was being arranged and prepped for a viking burial, they had to pry a still-sobbing Aethelflaed away from him.
  • TV!Aethelflaed went home pregnant alright, but thank JesusMaryJoseph it’s Erik’s baby *throws confetti* 

That’s all I can remember, hopefully I’ve covered just about every little detail. We can all go back to being sad now thanks for the hurt anon

22 reasons you should see OneRepublic live:

1. The energy they bring to the stage is unlike any other act I’ve ever seen. While other artists often start out strong then wind down, OneRepublic keeps it up and it’s amazing from beginning to end. They carry the energy they feel from exploring the area onto the stage.

2. They are interested in finding out more about the city they’re in. They love to ask questions to the crowd and Ryan is a huge foodie and often talks about restaurants on stage. They also enjoy asking questions to clarify things they are uncertain of, such as the pronunciation of Macedonia.

3. Crowd interaction. These are only the things I’ve seen on video or live, I’m sure this isn’t all: bringing fans onto stage for livestreams, giving fans hugs, shouting out signs, answering “I love you” with “I love you, too,” talking about pop culture, posing for selfies…

4. Ryan is incredibly honest and funny. He mocks other celebrities, calls things “the shiznit,” keeps jokes running throughout the show, uses sarcasm, makes fun of how he writes every song on the radio, etc. At one of my concerts, the joke was about how we were all going to Nordstrom after the show and buy matching pantsuits.

5. This makes the other members of the band smile and it’s really cute.

6. It’s not all about Ryan. Brent is heavily featured on the cello, Zach has a beautiful flamenco solo, Drew plays about four instruments and Eddie has a drum solo either before "Love Runs Out” or during “If I Lose Myself.”

7. Drew. I’ve seen him whispering to Brent and Eddie, shamelessly tying his shoes, peeking out from backstage, smiling adorably, having to switch between instruments, huge fan appreciation, tapping Eddie’s drums, coordinating his sick moves with Brent, and it seems likes he’s having so much fun.

8. Eddie just looks so happy to be drumming, he gets so into it. During songs such as "Counting Stars” and “I Lived” he is smiling the entire time. He even plays on a different drum set during “Good Life.”

9. Ryan is so high on caffeine, he just jumps around stage. During a show in Grand Rapids he made it all the way from the stage, through two aisles, and has able to high five people on the 200 level. He also enjoys climbing up by Brian and Eddie and singing on top of the piano. His instrumental talent really shines through on songs such as "Stop and Stare” and “Apologize.”

10. Zach being talented and cute as heck. At the Lone Tree concert, Ryan was telling the story about how they met, and since high school Zach’s been able to play flamenco music. This was great at parties and attracted a lot of girls… ;)

11. Brent being musical. From just looking at him, he is a true musician. I love watching him change from bass guitar to cello, and I love how they give him lots of solo opportunities. He is excellent at bringing out these parts you don’t really hear in "Apologize” or “What You Wanted” studio versions. He is also great at harmonizing!

12. Questions you’ve always wondered about are answered. How Ryan and Zach formed the band, Ryan’s dating experiences, favorite food, brands, opinions on other celebrities, the concerts tell all. Fun fact: Ryan was the new kid senior year of high school and lots of girls thought he was really hot!

13. They play their big hits from older albums, current singles and non-singles from the latest album. I’ve seen other bands live and often they only play their radio hits, but OneRepublic has a really nice balance.

14. Variety. They start the show typically with an explosive mix of “Don’t Look Down” and the very differing song of “Light It Up” and weave through the concert with major instrumental changes and end with a party in their EDM attempt “If I Lose Myself.” I promise: you won’t be bored by them.

15. Their influences shine through heavily but they are themselves. I see performance qualities similar to U2 or even Coldplay, but they stay true to the musicians they are. It is a very unique show that many people will never forget, and I’ve met so many people who say it’s the best concert they’ve been to.

16. OneRepublic picks their openers very carefully. It’s not always artists similar to themselves but its bands and singers that they feel need more recognition. Personally, I love hearing their openers, and several of them I am now fans of. (The Makemakes, The Script and Josh Kaufman were my favorites!)

17. Covers. "With Or Without You,” "Take Me To Church,” "Seven Nation Army,” "Budapest,” "What A Wonderful World,” the list goes on. They usually do one cover near the end of the show, and it’s usually "What A Wonderful World” in America. Sometimes they even mix songs together…it’s always a fantastic take on a song they wish they had written.

18. It’s a light show. Especially on their most recent tour, they have special input into how the lights and colors work. The effects definitely add to the experience, unlike some artists who think lights are a second thought. With OneRepublic, it blends perfectly.

19. It’s rejuvenating. Lots of concerts are like this, but with OneRepublic, regardless of if you know of the band or not, you feel this immense amount of energy. I have this appreciation, this passion for living in the moment, this love for music being played. And I know I’m not the only person to feel this way.

20. You meet the nicest people ever at these concerts. Its a really nice crowd, even Ryan has commented about it. Young and old, any gender, there are so many great fans in the crowd. They seem interested in the music and the people and they are really kind. They may not know all the members by name but they have an appreciation for the band. It’s not just people who go to concerts for the sake of attending a show.

21. The band looks really good in those black skinny jeans. ;)

22. Even if you know the music or not, there will be something you recognize. The band has said this themselves, they hope you are introduced to their unique, genreless music. They know the importance of each show to everyone and make each one special. OneRepublic knows they can’t disappoint, and they don’t.

I wrote this post in August of 2015, right after my third concert. I really hope they carry these qualities into their next tour and more people will get to see them. My first show of theirs was how I got into them; it was really special to me. If OneRepublic’s in town, take the opportunity and see them. You won’t have any regrets!

.:GOOD AND BAD NEWS!!:.

Good news first~ <3


I almost end da pilot of underLOVE just i need this animation 

And one more to end dis shiznit


Bat News


Premiere pro is a beootch and don’t let my sister end da episode 10 so i can’t edit my pilot so….. If i end the animations before my sister end the episode 10 of Creative!tale….. I will start to do the episode 1 of underLOVE 8′Y

So…I just started watching Ellie’s streams about a week or two ago (some time around the release of AToTS) and she totally got me into this adorkable show/skit/animated short? idk (Amongst other things…my brain is chalked full of madeon and electro swing now, haha). I also wanted to credit the colouring style used in this picture to her because it’s actually a really fun colouring technique that I had only used for pencil drawings up until now, so…uh, yeah! It’s real awesome and makes the whole process really interesting! It’s really flipping great!! xD

But yeah, anway. *whispers* This little film is the best so you should really go watch it. At some point. Ye.

Bonus!

We don’t even know if i’ll actually do it.

Top of the Flops - Cursed (2005)

A brief introduction: I watch a lot of movies, and specifically, I watch a lot of terrible movies. On purpose. Perhaps it was growing up on Adam Sandler movies that did it, but I am naturally drawn to the mistakes of cinema. Making friends that are equally as obsessed with the annals of acrid cinema helped encourage my plight, as did the great podcast, How did this Get Made? I’ve learned to embrace my love of the hot garbage, yet all my terrible film watching tended to just fall into a well deep inside my brain where it’d remain, only to occasionally crawl back out and force me to admit: “Oh shit, I think i’ve seen that”. And so, with this feature, I will attempt to look these movies dead in the eye and say “…..alright then”. These films won’t necessarily be the traditional flop, but they will exist in one of three categories (or hopefully, all three): Financial Flop, Critical Flop, or Flop inside my own Heart. And we start with a movie that swipes at those three categories with a badly animated paw and succeeds at being all of them.

Budget: $38m

Gross: $29.6m

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 16%

When you think about something being cursed, sure, you might think of someone bitten by a Hollywood Werewolf. Or, you might think of a film that is produced by Bob and Harvey Weinstein, the unsurpassed ineffectual tinkerers of Hollywood Movies. Cursed has a lot of curses, but it is hard to find one more damning than that of the Weinstein curse, which put this movie through years of production hell while they desperately attempted to lower the rating and stuff it full of stars so that people would actually go and see it. They failed wildly. Pandering is the bread and butter of Horror Cinema of the mid-2000s (let us not forget that Paris Hilton starred in the House of Wax remake that year) and boy does this film come off as a parent trying to access your love by accessing your CD collection (shit, ‘CD collection’? Sorry, this film has put me into 2005 mode, when I actually owned CDs by some of the bands in this soundtrack).

How pander-ific does it get? The film opens with a Bowling for Soup concert. Y’know, the guys who sang Girl all the Bad Guys Want? Yeah, them. Whether or not they were a voice of a generation, this film skews pretty young, and in case you were worried that they’re just aiming for the kids who ride skateboards, worry no more: the singer Mya is at the concert. Yes, the singer Mya. And the strangest thing is, the singer Mya doesn’t sing at all. Which is what, if anything, she was known for. It is entirely possible she showed up to the production, Wes Craven didn’t recognise her and instead cast her as “girl who flirts and therefore gets violently killed”. And later, the trifecta of “WHY ARE THEY THERE” musicians is complete when Lance Bass has a wordless cameo. Oh Bass, you truly were the Alfred Hitchcock of cameos! (Alfred Hitchcock was also the Alfred Hitchcock of cameos, as well as the Alfred Hitchcock of Alfred Hitchcocks). 

Aside from Christina Ricci and Jesse Eisenberg leading the cast, (who no teen on earth cared about in 2005), the film’s attempt to celebrit-ise the cast list is, erm…weird? There’s Shannon Elizabeth (who was 5 years past being popular), Joshua Jackson (who was 10 years past being popular) and Scott Baio (who was literally never popular). As Bart once pointed out: “What’s a Chachi?”. And, if it had been released ten years later, the film could’ve had something on their hands with this cameo…

It’s odd that the film should be such a cynical Hollywood cheap-fest because writer Kevin Williamson (scribe of classics like Scream and…not classics like I Know What You Did Last Summer) is quite the meta lover, and is excitedly peppers the script with lots of digs at Hollywood. They’re not good digs: Jesse Eisenberg suggests that as the werewolf is from Hollywood, it might have breast implants, an image that’s so stupid, yet so viscerally disgusting, that I wish Eisenberg had never opened his bastard mouth to say it. Williamson is not much of a satirist outside of Scream, but you get the feeling he thinks he is. “I’m gonna make fun of dumb old Hollywood whilst making a film that is the most clear cut example of dumb old Hollywood. Haha! Take that, me!”.

The film has promise in its names: Wes Craven behind the camera and Rick Baker on makeup, but in reducing the film’s certificate, The Weinstein’s rid the movie of almost any of that great Baker body horror makeup, and any of that Craven intelligence. I can’t blame it all on them: the scariest thing about it is how horrifically directed it is: it looks like a TV Movie, and I genuinely would not surprised if Craven was napping through 80% of filming. And it’s an odd decision to rely so heavily on cheap looking CGI when Baker is around - it’s like they said “Great, we’ve got Rick Baker on board! Now, lets lock him in that cupboard over there for two years”. Because this film literally took over two years to make. A film taking a long time, a film having reshoots, and a film having rewrites, are three signs your film is in trouble. Cursed has all three of those. I mean, did it really sound promising when Men in Black 3′s rewrites were going so badly that they got Will Smith on board to help out? It damn well didn’t, and we ended up with a film with lines like “I will pimp-slap the shiznit out of you”. In 2012. 

You can tell Cursed was filmed over gigantic periods of time, which would explain why nobody in the film appears to give a shit about anything that’s happening. Ricci, Eisenberg and Jackson seem so entirely bored and quite honestly, sleepy, that it’s baffling that Wes didn’t say ‘Hey can we try that once more but this time not shitty?’. Not that he cared too much - how do you direct a film from someone’s else’s script for nearly THREE years and still care? How do you maintain a solid and consistent directing style over three years? The answer is: you don’t. 

I can not blame the bad performances. The script is so dire and laughable that caring about it requires energy which could be better spent on things such as making some lunch or clearing out your junk mail folders. I mean, what could Ricci possibly see in her character Ellie? She’s a talk show producer which never plays into her story, and after she and her brother are attacked by an LA Werewolf, what exciting changes in her occur? What emotional developments does she have to grapple with? Well for a starter, she wears a new shirt to work. It’s the most nondescript shirt imaginable, and yet it causes her co-worker to tell her she looks “Saucy”. Did I mention that this movie has no idea how people talk or act? She does so little else, except sniff the odd bit of blood, and worry that her brooding boyfriend, Joshua Jackson, isn’t happy with her. His story isn’t much better, the crux of his arc in the first half is “He loves to fuck so much, but can he learn to cut back on all the fucking?”. Oh, and he has a club to open, which is a bizarre Madame Tussauds of horror movie mannequins, but also Cher and Xena, and also a house of mirrors, and also a DJ. And Lance Bass attends the opening. It feels like the weirdest and laziest shoehorn of “Hey here’s some horror movie imagery so we can tie our movie to much better horror movies!”, and the twist is so predictable that I wrote in my notes “If Joshua Jackson doesn’t turn out to be a werewolf I will eat my own hands.”. 

         IF ONLY there was some framing to give me a hint! Darn it!

Meanwhile, Jesse Eisenberg plays Jimmy, who knows he is turning into a werewolf because he went on “internet search” and typed in the words “Werewolf L.A”. He doesn’t seem very bothered, though. As soon as they get home from their initial attack (during which Shannon Elizabeth is in a fiery car wreck and then dragged off to her death), he says, with casual indifference “Well. G’night”. After he saw a woman killed. And after they were attacked by a gigantic wolf. Nobody seems to care about anything that is happening, but why should they? Jimmy’s werewolf transformation is only marginally more exciting than Ellie’s, because he gets the Spiderman 3 style hair makeover (although this is spiky rather than floppy) and he can now suplex his bully. 

Ellie’s transformation means she can catch a fly in her bare hand, y’know, just as werewolves are always doing. The film seems to forget that they’re actually supposed to be werewolves because they never actually turn into werewolves, and it never seems to affect their lives too badly. The traditional impetus for werewolves’ story arc is that they want to stop becoming a werewolves because they don’t want to kill people. That isn’t even hinted at with either Ellie or Jimmy - they never even try to kill anyone, they never fully transform, and the most dangerous Ellie gets is when she yells “Don’t start with me!” at a producer who doesn’t want Scott Baio to be bumped for Carrot Top. Seriously. A moment that is supposed to showcase Ellie’s newfound animal fury involves a conversation about Carrot Top and Scott Baio. For most of the film she doesn’t really believe she’s a werewolf, which gives us a contender for worst line of 2005: “Everybody’s cursed. It’s called life”. Her story is thoroughly underwritten, meanwhile you wish Jimmy’s story was not written at all.

Because he’s Jesse Eisenberg, he gets bullied by someone who throws homophobic slurs at him even though, as Jimmy repeatedly reminds us, he’s not gay. Poor straight kid! That must be tough, being straight! Some of these insults include “Your dog is gay too!”, and “You ass wimp wad”. But it’s okay, because it turns out the bully is gay! And not only that, but he turns up on Jimmy’s front porch and tries to kiss him, which leads to another of the worst/best lines of the film: “i’m not gay….i’m a werewolf”. The nonchalant way he just reveals that information is ridiculous, and is another demonstration of the way that nobody seems to care very much about anything in this movie. The film doesn’t seem to care very much about its set pieces either, one of which happens moments after the porch scene. The family dog for no apparent reason is a werewolf now, too! A vague, fuzzily CGI’d ball of brown that throws itself through windows!

                                   “Ahh!! It’s an….onion bhaji?”

Meanwhile, Joshua Jackson’s secret kind of just falls out, as if Kevin Williamson was like “Oh RIGHT, there has to be an antagonist”. Joshua Jackson is a werewolf after all, and this draws the action towards the opening of his club, where Jimmy’s bully joins them for some reason, and proceeds to get knocked out instantly, a state in which he remains for the entire duration of the scene. 

  “My dying wish is that I one day star in a superhero show that is beloved for      one season and then the most hated thing on TV for the second season”

The great TV writer John Swartzwelder was known for using “for some reason” in his scripts, which worked beautifully for a solid, absurd joke. But Cursed is a supposed horror film that takes “for some reason” and bases its entire third act on it. Why are they all here at this club? Why is Judy Greer turning into a werewolf now? And why, by any stretch of the imagination, did the writers think that, after having her looks insulted, it’d be a good idea to have the Greerwolf do this:

Yes, Judy Greer is the last-minute big bad wolf, but to what end? Where was all the build up to that? What is her motivation? And how much longer if there left of this film? She gives an expository dump about how much she hates women and thus wants to eat her, and it carries about as much weight as the fly that Ellie caught earlier (callbacks!). The big fight between Greerwolf and Jimmy & Ellie feels totally unearned, and they don’t even use any of their Werewolf abilities. I mean, sure, it’s a fun sight seeing Jesse Eisenberg charging at Greerwolf with a sword and shouting “yyAAAH YAAAAAAAH”, but the scene ends without Ellie and Jimmy doing anything impressive at all, and instead a bunch of cops just shooting her to death. It’s not very clever or satisfying. At least she got to crack a few lines before her time was up, including “Showtime. Isn’t that what they say?”. Uhh…yeah I guess? Good one? The film cannot seem to make up its mind on what any of the characters think or want, and so Joshua Jackson goes from good, to bad, to good and back to bad again, and not for one second does the disinterest on his face let up.

      “I’m a fuckin wolf and uh, i’m gonna eat you now I guess. Or not. Wes!?”

The final set piece, which limps along after what feels like a 20 minute film (which is actually 100 minutes) occurs after 3 acts which involve zero emotional development, and zero cool werewolf moments. Surely now is the time for our protagonist, Ellie, to have both? Nah! Instead she slowly sort-of turns into a werewolf, by getting lumpy skin and big teeth. She never fully transforms (“It happens slowly at first” says Jackson, meaning “we don’t have the budget for a full transformation”) and doesn’t even get to overpower Joshua Jackson, which would’ve at least given her some agency and closure. That task is left to Jimmy who crawls around on the ceiling for a bit, (another classic werewolf attribute??) before eventually stopping Jackson with a shovel and a….cake serving knife. A cake serving knife that you see a lot of in the film, because apparently cake serving knives are really cool props to have as a sort of Chekhov’s Cake Server?

            “Teenagers LOVE cake servers, right” - Kevin Williamson

Jimmy saves Ellie with the help of the cake server, and once Jackson is down, Ellie at the very least she gets to smash Jackson’s head off, and his body burns. Kitchen RUINED. She doesn’t even seem upset that she’s had to smash her supposed love’s head clean off his body. And mere moments after this, Jimmy’s crush comes to the door having found their were-dog, and conveniently knowing that a) it’s his dog and b) where he lives. They have a kiss and walk off, with his bully in attendance because apparently he doesn’t have a family of his own. They all got over that evening pretty fast. After tearing a werewolf’s head off and having your sister nearly killed, would you not want to hang out for a bit longer? Just have a bit of a night in? Instead, it’s a casual “Well that’s done then, bye!”. And there’s his arc. He’s made a friend, got a girlfriend, and saved his sister. And what was Ellie’s arc? She wears a new shirt, has her life nearly ended several times, has her house ruined, and then, as Jimmy fucks off with his mates, she closes the film with the line “I’m just gonna stay here and clean”. Seriously. That’s her resolution. That’s how she ends the film. Bloodied, miserable, alone, and cleaning up the gore in her kitchen. I can’t wait for Cursed 2 to see if she managed to successfully hoover up all that werewolf fur!! 

It’s a real failure of a film in every regard. It does lean towards trying to be fun rather than trying to be scary, but couldn’t it have tried to be even a bit spooky? Could the jump scares have not been so endless and predictable. I mean, ten points for anyone who can guess where the jump scare is coming from in this scene:

Yes, a cuckoo clock is about as scary as it gets. I could tolerate the lack of care put into the story and the characters if the action and horror were there, but they really aren’t. There is nothing tense, well crafted or smart in the film. It’s baffling to think this is the guy who made Scream and A Nightmare on Elm Street, because this doesn’t just feel like it was directed by someone having an off day, it feels like it was directed by someone whose only experience is directing episodes of MTV’s Cribs. It doesn’t attempt to subvert, improve or even just successfully repeat the werewolf formula, instead it just throws random iconography from those movies at you with Dashboard Confessional songs playing loudly enough to distract you from this terrible film with an even more terrible soundtrack. Terrible, and yet I did have fun with it. It actually benefits from being flimsy and light as air, and as dreadful as it gets, I did appreciate it not taking itself too seriously. There are enough unintentionally funny and simply bizarre moments to make it an enjoyable watch, and it’s not the most hatable of films. It could almost have had a charm, if it wasn’t really, really, extremely bad. 

Worth a hate watch?: Yes

Worst/best line: “I’m not gay….i’m a werewolf”

Worst film of 2005?: Son of the Mask, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, Doom, XXX 2, The Pacifier and Bewitched all came out in 2005, so no. Cursed might be a bad film from a bad year, but it is not the worst. Rob Schneider knows very well which film is the worst of 2005. 

Cali Classics Track list

Dr. Dre - Keep Their Heads Ringing (Intro)
Sam Sneed - U Better Recognize
The D.O.C. - It’s Funky Enough
RBL Posse - Bounce To This
Militia - Burn
Dogg Pound - Let’s Play House
Dogg Pound - Big Pimpin
Dr. Dre - F#ck You
Xzibit - Paparazzi
Westside Connection - Hoo Bangin’
Dr. Dre ft. Knocturnal - Bad Intentions
The Whoridas - Get Lifted
2pac - So Many Tears
2pac - Me Against The World
2pac - Lost Souls
2pac - Hit em Up
3X Krazy - Keep It On The Real
Ice Cube - You Know How We Do It
Snoop Dogg - Doggy Dogg World
Warren G - Regulate
N.W.A. - Express Yourself
Dr. Dre - Nuthin’ But A G Thang
Ice Cube - We Be Clubbin’
Ice Cube - What Can I Do
Snoop Dogg - Gin & Juice
Snoop Dogg - Tha Shiznit
Dr. Dre - Deep Cover
Dr. Dre - Next Episode
Snoop Dogg - Lay Low
Volume 10 -Pump
JT The Bigga Figga - Game Recognize Game
Ray Luv - Get My Money On
Ice Cube - Jackin For Beats
The Dogg Pound - What Would U Do
DJ Quik - Tonite
Souls of Mischief - 93 til Infinity
MC Breed - Ain’t No Future in Yo’ Frontin
N.W.A. - Straight Outta Compton
Dru Down - Pimp of the Year
Mac Dre - 2 Hard 4 The Fuckin Radio
Rappin 4-Tay - Playaz Club
Too Short - Money in the Ghetto
Spice 1 - Welcome to the Ghetto
Cypress Hill - How I Could Just Kill A Man
Total Devastation - Many Clouds of Smoke
Dr. Dre - Lets Get High
Snoop Dogg - Ain’t No Fun
N.W.A. - Dope Man
N.W.A .- Boyz N The Hood
Too Short - Life Is
Too Short - Im a Player
E-40 ft Too Short - Rappers Ball
Mac Mall - Sic Wit Tis
Rodney O & Joe Cooley - Everlasting Bass
Eazy E - Real Muthaphukkin G’s
MC Eiht - Straight Up Menace
2Pac - Hail Mary
E-40 - Sprinkle Me
Too Short - Gettin’ It
Dr. Dre - Xxplosive
Luniz - I Got 5 On It Remix

Made with SoundCloud
archiveofourown.org
anniversaries - shiznit - The Dark Artifices Series - Cassandra Clare [Archive of Our Own]
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
By Organization for Transformative Works

Chapters: 3/3
Fandom: The Dark Artifices Series - Cassandra Clare
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Tiberius Blackthorn/Kit Rook
Characters: Tiberius Blackthorn, Kit Rook, Julian Blackthorn, Livia Blackthorn
Additional Tags: Fluff, Mild Hurt/Comfort, like really mild


I finally got around to finishing the fanfic I wrote for Aliyah’s birthday ! I’m sorry this is super late but I really hope u enjoy it :) 

@tiberius-herondale