So, long time no update. Why? Long time no write *sigh*
This can be blamed on two things.
1. School. With two short stories (which all need to be perfect and transcendent and groundbreaking based on program standards fyi) and a TV pilot (which does not need to be transcendent but that I hate because I hate screenwriting) as well as other classes it’s been a lot of writing those things and not this thing. However, my short stories are both drafted (and they may not be transcendent but they’re both pretty good), and my TV pilot nearly done and due, I may be able to start drafting *tear*…something else.
2. I hated it! It was fun. I hated the first 4500 words of this book so much. Which would not normally hold me back but coupled with the school thing wasn’t a great combo. Each word felt like pulling teeth to write, and normally I’m great at beginnings, so it was weird to right off the bat totally hate a project, which is actually my favourite project in my mind.
I had pretty much given up because ya know…I was in a stressed mood because…stress :))) And guys I make reckless abandonments when I’m stressed, I drop classes and books and bail everything in my life. So stressed me (do not trust her she is my bad alter ego) was like “I can’t do this gahhhhhh” and poor @sssoto had to listen to that breakdown (I’m sorry I put you through that episode of my existentialism).
I’d pretty much decided that this book wasn’t something I could handle and I had given up on writing it right now.
But you know what I did.
I REVIVED IT HEYOOOO.
Last night I decided to re-read the 4500 words I’d written and to my great shock, they were not entirely awful like I thought. Sure the pacing is weird in the first chapter (but I can fix that woot), and I don’t like the dialogue because gah 5 characters talking in one scene is a lot (but I can fix that woot) and in her spoken dialogue Alice doesn’t sound like herself (but I can fix that woot). But it’s seriously not awful. There’s a voice there guys. That was my issue with it, I felt like Alice had no voice and the whole thing felt vapid and empty and presence-less. But she does have a voice eeepppp.
So we are back in business! I’m writing this book slow, with no deadline and no daily word goal. Being in school, and in 3rd year where my workload is heavy and I’m trying to immerse myself in my studies as much as possible, it’s too much to reach for daily word limits and I know I’ll have to take breaks, but I’m just happy to be writing it. If I takes me six months, whatever. That’s all cool. I just want to write it because now, finally, it’s making me happy to write.
In my rush of inspiration I also made a new character aesthetic.
I also reformatted the chapter headings to be in smallcaps because formatting is my one true motivation for all things. Also smallcaps are beautiful especially because I got that Garamond going yasss.
Time: 12:15am-1:20am (I know okay….I know.)
(for the record I would have started earlier if I hadn’t had a ton of homework to do during the day)
Words written: 800 // 6072
Ranking of this writing session: (stealing this from @coffeeandcalligraphy) 7/10. It was flowing pretty well, and the scene I got to write was super shippy #Jalice, and I’ve finally reached a point where the words are starting to flow without suffering involved. However, I still am not super happy with the way the scene was paced.
Tea drunk: decaf earl grey
Random thing I had to google: how to tie a tie
Thing that distracted me: talking to my roommate for two hours about how all our main characters are so problematic…but still favs. Such problematic favs.
Music: A selection from today’s playlist includes: Hurt for Me by Syml, Itchy Teeth by Marika Hackman, Closer by Emma Jensen, Erase by Copeland, Bare by WILDES, You Come Down by Marika Hackman, 21 Gun Salute by Half Moon Run
1st drafty excerpt of the day:
They’re all too drugged by the dust that floats thick in the air and seems
opiate in weight and fogginess.
I tug at the shoulders of my blouse—feel the seams through the
sweater—and readjust it until the the top button, already tight and high on my
collarbone, presses into the base of my throat. Throughout the whole class,
pencil flicking across the page, I tug the tail of the blouse so the button
presses, presses, indents, and makes it hard to breathe.
(also weird but like…the main character’s neck and throat is mentioned a lot in this chapter…)
Like, here’s more descriptions of Alice’s neck because apparently that was a recurring motif (am I using that word correctly…wtf is a motif even) in this chapter. Weird?
don’t know how to tie a tie, the final piece of my school uniform. It’s
unstrung on my desk. I know how to tie a noose—never have for practical or
personal purposes, this I promise—but not a tie, although they feel like the
same apparatus. They are both there to cinch around my neck and slide against
my throat, slide against my airflow, remind me of my fleeting pulse which beats
against the knot pressed to my jugular.
just because you don’t want the responsibility of having a child doesn’t mean you get to be fucking cruel to kids??? I don’t know why that’s constantly being brought up when what we’re saying here is ‘don’t be mean to kids’
‘well I don’t want kids and society pressures us into having a family’ okay??? that doesn’t mean you have to be a shit to kids???
“I’m beyond tired. I’m beyond scared. I’m standing on the mouth of hell and it is gonna swallow me whole. And it’ll choke on me. We’re not ready? They’re not ready. They think we’re gonna wait for the end to come, like we always do. I’m done waiting. They want an apocalypse? Well, we’ll give them one.”