is that a diary

  • Lizzie: I bet you’d look great grasping at the sheets on my bed
  • Darcy: Dear, I’m not making your bed for you
Staccato

Today like this a year ago, at this time I woke up shivering from cold air of the basement in Vancouver.

I wasn’t know if I had woken up or still been asleep of all those nights, only thing I remembered was the dim indigo sky reflected through small window.

Yesterday like this a year ago, I flew almost 4,000km. from Toronto to Vancouver. I arrived around midnight and she had drove 60km. from her workplace to pick me up.

We met the first time in the chill air and light rain at the airport.

She remembered that I looked fatiqued from tears over countless time.
But she told me I was smiling all the time since we met.

My life has changed completely, and I was the one that changed it by myself. There are beyond words I could explain the difficulty just for the simple decision.

In the past I was lost, the others when I left were broken. Everyone was suffering and scattering. In my life I’ve been trying to make others happy, I thought so that I was happy too but I wasn’t. I only kept convincing myself to believe that I could be who they wanted. Taking all the guilts and torn myself apart when I realized that it was just a lie.

Was I wrong that I am also a human, deeply looking for the happiness for myself. Through places and people who crossed roads with me would know that I have been always sincere at the end. For that one chance in my life I met someone who let me be myself without expectation and condition.

Though there are many beautiful and kind people in my life and I appreciate for knowing them, like you.

The sound of rain recalled flashing back of those nights after 2 weeks from today a year ago, I was walking in the snow whole night alone back in the empty street of Toronto. Was I wrong that I couldn’t be happy enough to make others happy when I was with them.

I couldn’t go back and I could only go forward. So I decided to let my conscious slept and followed my mind. Thousands of apologies I have said and done for just to give myself a chance to breath. Was I wrong that I want to be alive.

So that I walked, I moved across the land.

The pink light through window indicated the morning like last year, but today I woke up in the warm room. Beside me I saw her who has been taken everything to be with me. It wasn’t not everyone that accepted who we were, hurt by unapproved of her family. I’ve been through that too so I knew it well.

That day, she held my hand tight saying clearly in 2 languages to her parents that she loved me, please let her go to be herself with me. She was the bravous girl I’ve ever met. Because even myself when I told my parents that I was gay, I could barely speak properly soaking and weeping.

She hasn’t gone back home since then, and I haven’t gone back home for 6 years.

We echoed each other, complimented of who we are. I arose to be a better person, learned of how to live simply and be quiet when there are hundreds of sound surroundings us.

Please let us be together freely, only to be ourselves that’s all I’ve begged for.