My fault || merlin
Request: Merlin x agent!reader, where Harry knows Merlin has feelings for the reader and continually reminds Merlin he can’t act on them as Kingsman agent. Also absolutely love all of your writings!
Word count: 2079
Warnings: swearing, alcohol, blood
(a/n: this got so so angsty, I got out of hand, sorry!!)
Everyday was a struggle for Merlin; he would watch you and everything that you did and would fall even harder for you. But he couldn’t tell you, he wasn’t allowed to.
He was reminded of that everyday by Harry. He could tell by the way Merlin stared at you that the scotsman had feelings for you but Harry needed to remind Merlin of the rules and so everyday, he did.
You had noticed that Merlin had started to act strange towards you; he would be rather blunt with you sometimes or not even talk to you at all and it genuinely upset you. You liked Merlin, maybe a little more than just friends but you would never tell him, you just couldn’t imagine Merlin reciprocating those feelings back.
You walked down the corridor and formally greeted everyone who walked past you before entering the meeting room where Eggsy, Harry and Merlin were. You gave a quick apology for being late before you sat down and listened to what Merlin was explaining, you noticed he was avoiding eye contact with you.
Once the meeting was over and the other two had left you walked over to Merlin.
“Everything okay?” you asked, he nodded, typing something on his clipboard and looking at the wall. You crossed your arms over your chest, before sighing a little and walking out the room and to where you needed to go.
Merlin watched you walk out the room, his heart feeling heavy; he hated to see you upset because of him, but he knew he couldn’t explain why. Harry watched you walk out the room, he knew you were upset but he knew that this was better for you and Merlin.
“You alright, y/n?” Harry asked softly, stopping you.
“Urm-, yeah” you replied, flashing him a small smile before walking off.
Weeks went by and Merlin still hadn’t spoken to you and the both of you hated it. You believed you had done something or said something without realising to Merlin that upset him but you didn’t know what but you obviously couldn’t ask him because he wasn’t talking to you. Merlin wanted to talk to you but he didn’t in fear he’d tell you what he wanted to, he didn’t want to make himself fall for you even more.
Harry could see everything that was going on and he honestly felt terrible about it but after all, he was only telling Merlin the rules of being a Kingsman but then again, who listens to rules nowadays, anyway?
You needed to talk to Merlin, you didn’t care if he didn’t want to talk to you, you just needed to talk to him. So, one day after a meeting, after everyone had walked out, you shut the door just leaving you and Merlin alone.
“Merlin, we need to talk” you said, Merlin didn’t respond, he just carried on typing. “Look, I don’t know what’s happened between us but can you just tell me what’s wrong?”
“There’s nothing wrong” Merlin replied, not looking at you.
“Well there is something obviously because you never talk to me anymore” you said, sounding a little harsh. Tears began to gloss your eyes but you didn’t want to cry; you didn’t want to make a bigger scene.
“I’ve been busy” Merlin said quietly.
“Merlin, why are you not talking to me? If there’s something I’ve done just tell me” you said, fighting back the tears, “If you hate me, then just tell me to leave because I will”
Merlin didn’t respond. He shifted his gaze from his laptop to you, frowning a little as he saw the tears in your eyes before looking back at the device in front of him.
“So that’s it?” you asked, feeling the tears roll down your cheek, “All you’re going to do is just look at me and not talk? Do you expect me to know what’s going on? I’m not a mind reader Merlin! Just talk to me! It’s not that hard to open your mouth and say something?”
“Y/n-” Merlin started.
“Don’t ‘y/n’ me! Merlin, just tell me whats going on with you!” you said, getting angry.
“Y/n, you don’t understand..” Merlin said quietly as he looked at you, pushing his glasses back up his nose.
“You don’t know that!” you said, “Merlin it’s been weeks since you and I have spoken and all you tell me is that I ‘wouldn’t understand’? Maybe if you told me I would”
Merlin didn’t respond. The room went quiet for a couple seconds.
“So you’re not going to say anything?” you asked, crossing your arms over your chest.
You were met with silence.
You sighed angrily before opening the door and storming out; you passed Eggsy and your way out and they tried to talk to you but you stormed away from them.
“Y/n!” Eggsy tried to call out but you kept walking away, wiping away your tears.
You walked out the tailor shop, and down the quiet streets of London; you vigorously wiped away your tears and tried to stop crying, getting looks from the various people around you.
The hours went on and you found yourself sitting in a pub, drinking. You felt kind of stupid for storming away and you felt bad for yelling at Merlin but it wasn’t your fault.
“‘Ello, love” you heard a voice next to you say. You looked up at the man, he was big and looked quite drunk, he sat opposite you - his friends followed suite. You sighed, rolling your eyes - you just knew this was going to end in a fight.
“Can I help you?” you asked looking at the group of boys who sat in front of you.
“We just thought you looked a little lonely. So me and the boys decided to join you” the man said, chugging back his larger.
“I’m alright, actually” you said, giving him a fake smile, “but thanks anyway” you got out of your seat and walked out the pub, walking down the streets of london.
“And where d’you think you’re going?” The same man shouted as he stepped out the pub, followed by his friends.
“Away from you” you shouted back; the many drinks you had, had were taking an effect on you. Normal, sober you wouldn’t say anything back, instead you’d usually beat them up but drunk you had other plans.
The sound of people running started to get loud and you knew the men were coming for you. You ran off, running through parts of London that you never even knew existed - just like the alleyway that you found yourself in surrounded by the group of drunk blokes.
One of the men came forward to you, you ran up to him and kicked him multiple times in the stomach and flipped yourself over his shoulders; you punched and kicked the men around you, seeing as you didn’t have a weapon on you at all. You wrapped your legs around a man’s neck, suffocating him as you beat up his friend, smashing him against the wall, knocking him out cold. The man under your legs pushed you off and on to the floor, where you hissed in pain - you had definitely broke your wrist.
You stood back up, using your legs to kick the man unconscious as more of his friends came for you; you knocked most of them out even with a broken wrist and being very drunk.
Breathing heavily, you look around at all the bleeding men laying on the floor with a small smile on your face. You went to turn around but you felt a strong hand cover your mouth up, stopping you from turning around. You went to yell out as you felt something very very sharp stabbing you multiple times in the back; the man ran away leaving you bleeding.
Your back burned in agony as you felt blood seep through your shirt and some on your stomach - that’s when you realised whatever the guy had stabbed you with had made its way through your back and out your stomach.
Dropping to the ground, you let out a strangled yell of pain, your glasses smashing on the concrete floor. Your eyes drooped shut, the pain becoming unbearable.
- - - - - - -
Merlin sat typing away at his computers, blinking back the tears that threaten to fall; Merlin rarely cried, only you had seen him cry once - that is a long, long story.
The doors of his room burst open, a panting Eggsy gripping the door handle.
“Merlin, it’s y/n, she’s been fucking stabbed” Eggsy said.
“W-what?” Merlin asked in disbelief; surely someone with your amazing fighting skills wouldn’t get hurt.
“Y/n. Harry found out where she was and he went to find her. He found her bleeding to fucking death in an alleyway and n-now she’s in the infirmary and she’s still bleeding” Eggsy rushed out. Merlin abruptly stood up and practically, ran down the corridor to the infirmary, Eggsy following behind.
The room was full of many doctors and nurses, most of them yelling; Merlin saw you laying on the bed, unconscious, your body shaking, wires coming out of you and two blood soaked bandages on your stomach and upper thigh. Merlin tried to go over to you but was blocked off by a nurse who told him that no one could see you right now and that you were being rushed to have an emergency operation.
Harry, Eggsy and Merlin stood, watching as you were wheeled off in the hospital bed to theatre.
- - - - - - - -
Merlin’s hand gripped yours tightly as you slept for days on end; he couldn’t leave you alone.
The doctors had said that there was a chance that you would never walk again due to where the knife had stabbed you and that tore Merlin apart. He just wanted you to be happy; he blamed himself for everything.
“You’re going to be okay” Merlin whispered, stroking your hair back with his other hand, “I’m not going to leave you, y/n, I promise” He placed a kiss on your hand, trying to hold back his emotions.
Merlin sighed, watching you as you laid unconscious, your chest rising up and down; it was too silent. He hated to see you like this, he knew that it was all his fault. If he had just straight up told you why he was ignoring you then you wouldn’t have run off and you wouldn’t have been nearly stabbed to death.
“I wish I just told you” he said, “you’re so beautiful, you know that? I was an idiot not to tell you how much I love you. Stuff the rules, I love you, y/n, don’t leave me”
He heard a loud breath from you and looked up from your hand, to your face; he saw a distinctive, small smile on your lips.
“I love you too, you idiot” you chuckled, your voice sounding very hoarse and croaky. You opened your eyes, looking at him and squeezing his hand with the small amount of strength you had. “If I hear you blame yourself again, Hamish, I will hit you…”
Merlin chuckled a little bit but a single tear droplet rolled down his cheek, you lifted your hand up to his cheek and wiped it away with your thumb.
“I love you” you whispered, holding his hand as tight as you could.
“I love you, y/n” Merlin whispered back, kissing the back of your hand, “God, I love you so bloody much”
Weeks passed before you could get out of bed. It was a struggle for you to walk at the start but Merlin was always there holding your hand, feeling so proud of you as you began to walk. Merlin still blamed himself for everything but you reminded him that it wasn’t his fault; he also still cried but you were always there to hold him.
Many kisses and embraces were shared everyday between you and Merlin; and everyday you grew stronger. I mean, yes you still couldn’t walk properly and you couldn’t go missions but you had Merlin and he was everything you needed. It was just a shame of the circumstances when the truth came out.