is an emotion

after you’ve been in abusive situation long term you have no idea how much stress and burden it’s inflicting into your life, it becomes normal that your biggest worry is anticipating your abuser’s mood and actions, and not your own life and your own achievements.It becomes normal to dread what they’re going to think or say about you, what they’re going to do if you take a step outside of what they allow you to do. Always feeling trapped and suffocating becomes the new normal, wanting to get away and not knowing from what becomes just “life” and it’s impossible to even imagine how your life would look like if you were free. Abusers can make freedom seem scary, wrong, even stupid, as if you don’t deserve it, as if everything you would do on your own, from your own will, is silly, dumb and wrong, like a free will of your own is a ridiculous thing for you to have. Like you don’t deserve it. Even when it’s your first human right.

concept: i’m not terrified of recovering. i can get better without feeling like i’m losing myself, i can improve without thinking i faked the whole thing, i can do well without believing that i’m completely Cured™ and am not allowed to feel bad, ever, at all, anymore because nothing’s wrong anymore. i don’t find the mere thought of not being terribly and debilitatingly sick disgusting because i feel i don’t deserve to be okay. i let my wounds heal instead of reopening them on purpose just to feel it all again, i let things that keep me bound to this state go and cut the strings i tied to stop myself from flying away from the pain.

and i’m okay.