is a turd burglar

Bad Lip Reading; A New Hope Starters

“Once upon a time, in a super rad corner of outer space….”
“Ready to hit the cantina?”
“Give me your e-mail, I’ll send you some of the high-res versions.”
“Dude, I don’t want your dirty e-mail.”
“The better Jedi would not send selfies.”
“Is this something that we have to do or is it more of an optional thing?”
“Amazing things happen, you should go find one right now.”
“I don’t got a big attention span.”
“Remember what I said about that? That was your shadow.”
“That tickles.”
“No, listen to me, I’m going to oil myself.”
“Hey, you shut your mouth, ‘kay man?”
“Don’t be so jumpy, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t hurt you.”
“I want a wooden snowman. But no one sells them.”
“Holy chicken. She’s beautiful.”
“Hey guys, we’re collecting donations for the Jawa orphanage. Do you have any spare change?”
“You should know that you stink kinda like fish.”
“I can’t really smell anything in this helmet.”
“You’re just creeping me out. Get out of here.”
“I don’t want your sass.”
“Well why don’t you just move to Nevada? Dude.”
“Because I heard it was a bad part of Mexico.”
“Did you hear him? He doesn’t even know geography.”
“Listen, I’ve been sent here to collect all your fireworks, okay?”
“Well maybe I will if you give me your grilled meat.”
“Does your monkey go, ‘Hoo hoo HOO’?”
“You know, I should build a baby Taco Bell. Besides, it’d be kinda cute.”
“That song doesn’t make a bit of sense, and I don’t like it.”
“I’m going crazy I’m so hungry.”
“Well I could make grilled cheese.”
“No offense kid, I don’t think you even know how to boil water.”
“So you know the princess and I are engaged, right?”
“Oh, you make stuff up still, huh?”
“Your mom’s got weird eyes.”
“Did you take my wallet?”
“I can’t wait to go back there to try my brisket because I’m really sure nobody ate it.”
“I like bread.”
“Yeah great, thanks for reminding me of what I can’t eat because of the mask.”
“You shouldn’t have called me a big turd burglar at the gym.”
“I also want a chipmunk, a gumball, a friend, a horse…”
“Hey, how’d my father die?”
“Forty nine times, we fought that beast….your old man and me.”
“It had a chicken head with duck feet. With a woman’s face too.”
“Aw, that’s rad.”
“It was waiting in the bushes for us, then it ripped off your dad’s face. He was screaming something awful.”
“You see his blood had drained into the boards and we had to change them.”
“We’ve all got a chicken-duck woman thing waiting for us.”
“Everyday I worry all day.”
“Something’s waiting in the bushes of love.”

Mom: Give me a kiss before you go 

Lil bro (turd burglar): Mom! Come on not in front of my friends

Mom: I don’t care who is there you better give me a kiss before I’m gone and dead in the ground. Who gonna wash them stains out your underwear then huh

Me: (Oh snap the stains tho)