intimate questions to ask your partner

“Choose her everyday or leave her.

I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.

I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.

Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.

As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.

I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more.

Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her.

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less.

Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.

She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task.

You can’t make someone choose you even when they might love you.

To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.

I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.

Actually, I did abandon her.

By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.

Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.

I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.

It’s torture for everyone.

If you’re in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question: “Why am I choosing my partner today?”

If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”

If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.

But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.

Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.

You do, too.

Choose wisely.”

- Bryan Reeves

Special (Castiel x Reader)

A/N: Hey guyss!! Yay a Cas oneee, a jealous Cas one in fact. I kinda enjoyed writing it so I hope you guys will too!!😊 Enjoy!!!

Request: Hello! Could you write an imagine where castiel sees you grooming another angels wings and he gets insanely jealous and you ask why and he explains how intimate grooming an angels wings are? I would love if so much!


You were lying in bed, reading a book Sam got you when you heard the sound of fluttering wings. Ignoring the sound, you continued reading your book, knowing who it was.

“A guest appears and you don’t even bother acknowledging him? Rude much?”

“Well, Gabriel, for starters, you’re the one who appeared in my room without any invitation,” you countered.

“Touché,” Gabriel said as he plopped down at the end of your bed.

Sighing, you put your book down. “What do you want?”

Keep reading

Dancing & Jealousy [Tim Drake x Reader]

A/N: Hey guys! Sorry updating has been scarce, school has just been a handful! I don’t know why but this fic was inspired by the song “Something Just Like This” by Coldplay + The Chainsmokers. It’s an awesome song! I hope you all enjoy this loves!

[P/n] - Partners Name

_____

It felt like a normal day enough, you had a new job from you manager. You’re a dancer and have been casted to dance in a new music video. It’d be an understatement to say you ‘like’ your job. This is your dream job, you absolutely adore it. Getting to meet famous people, do what you love, and to make new friends with the people you meet at jobs, it’s amazing!

Tim supports your dancing 100%. You’ve been dating for about three months now. Both of you do your own thing a lot of times. Yes, you hang out and go on dates but you both aren’t very needy. He needs time with his work for Bruce and as Red Robin and you have rehearsals and training almost every day.

Today was no different. Except one thing, Tim decided he wanted to come watch your filming the video. He was finally pulling away from his computer for once. It left you a bit surprised when he asked if he could join you today, you warned him saying it’d probably get boring because there would be a lot of planning and working out steps today. Probably little filming.

But he was okay with it, saying he just wants to see what you do first hand. Which made you grin at him, very happy that he has interest in what you do. Maybe you could even teach him some moves some time.

Walking on to where you’d be shooting many people questioned who Tim was. Finding it adorable that your boyfriend wanted to come and watch you dance. Though Tim’s demeanor changed when you introduced him to your partner.

“[F/n]!” A familiar voice yelled. Looking over to it you saw your partner. He’s tall and muscular, definitely an attractive guy.

“Hey [P/n], ready for today?” You asked while walking over to him. He nodded, “Yeah, I’m ready to knock this out. They want to see a run through of the choreography though before we start planning the actual dancing in the video and recording.” Explaining what the director of the video had told him to relay to you.

“Who’s your friend?” he nodded to Tim behind you. Turning around you noticed his rather angry demeanor. Not thinking much of it you introduced him, “Oh, that’s Tim my boyfriend! Tim come here!” you waved him over. Reluctantly he came to your side, you missing the glare he sent at [P/n]. “Tim this is my partner [P/n].”

“Nice to meet you” [P/n] stuck out his hand. Tim took it strongly, “Yeah” replying shortly. “I’ll be over here” he kissed your cheek before retreating and leaving you confused.

“Uh excuse me a minute, I’ll meet you at the rehearsal” Quickly excusing yourself before chasing after Tim.

“Hey, Tim wait up!” Calling while catching up to him. “Where are you going?” Stepping in front of him to cut off his course. “To call Bruce really quick.”

“Is everything alright?” Your brows furrowed in concern. He nodded, “Yeah I’m fine.” Though you were unconvinced, “Well we’re about to rehearse, want to come watch and call Bruce after?” Intertwining your fingers with his. “[F/n] I-” He began but you cut him off, “Please, that’s why you came. No?”

He sighed in defeat before allowing you to lead him over to where you were rehearsing. Leaving his side you joined [P/n] to begin. The director calling out what he wanted to see, skipping over portions where they would be showing the band during the video. The song you were doing is “Something Just Like This” by Coldplay + The Chainsmokers.

Portions during the chorus were when you and [P/n] would be recorded and a few other parts. Getting ready to start you sent Tim a smile before the music began to play signalling for you to start.

Tim stood by watching, in awed by your dancing and the skill you have. However, he couldn’t help but feel angry. The dancing was rather intimate at times, not dirty dancing, just close. He didn’t realize he was the jealous type until right now. His blood would boil anytime [P/n] had his hands on you.

He understands that it’s supposed to seem like you’re a couple in the video but do you have to be so close? He about exploded when it came to a slower portion in the song where the both of you were touching noses. He had to step away about halfway through the first takes.

Walking away from the crowded area and finding a quiet space a ways away. The music barely audible. Sighing he pulled out his phone and dialed Dick’s number. He’s always been good to talk to when it comes to relationships.

He was tapping his foot impatiently while waiting for Dick to pick up. “Hey Timmy!” Dick’s cheery voice came over the phone. Tim was a bit nervous to talk about this, he had only told Bruce and Alfred about you.

“Hey Dick, can I ask you for some advice really quick?”

“Shoot”

“So, uh. Do you ever get jealous? Like about a relationship?” Tim asked quietly even though he was alone. There was silence on the other end before he heard a gasp, “ARE YOU DATING SOMEONE AND DIDN’T TELL ME?” Dick yelled, causing Tim to pull the phone away from his ear, wincing.

“Um, maybe.” Scratching his neck nervously. “We’ll talk about this later, but what’s your question?”

“So, her name’s [F/n] and she’s a dancer. We’ve been together for about three months. Right now she’s recording this music video and her partner is Mr. Tall, Tan, and Handsome. And it’s intimate and I don’t know. I just feel like she could do so much better than me! I mean this guy has to have girls all over him and he can dance like her, I just gah! Dick what do I do?!” He babbled on in his frustration.

“Whoa, Tim slow down. First take a deep breath.” Tim did so before Dick continued, “Now if this girl didn’t like you she wouldn’t be with you, right? And who cares if the dance is intimate, it’s not like it means anything, it’s acting. Tim you’re a great guy and she obviously sees that, don’t sell yourself short.”

“Thanks Dick but I just can’t help but think that I’m not good enough for her. I trust her more than anyone and she know’s about Red Robin. Dick she’s perfect and I don’t want to screw it up.” Tim leaned against the wall. Though he hadn’t realized that everything had wrapped up and you were around the corner, trying not to eavesdrop.

“You won’t, just be yourself. I know that sounds cliché but it’s what works. If you trust her with your job as Red Robin then she must be something special. Just have confidence. Now I have to get ready for patrol tonight, if you’re really nervous and jealous about this guy just talk to her.” Tim smiled at the advice his brother had given him. “I will thanks Dick”

“No problem, now I better get to meet her. I can’t believe you’ve been together for three months and we haven’t met her. Am I the only one that knows?” He asked as Tim laughed nervously. “Uh, Bruce and Alfred know of her. Bruce wasn’t too happy when I told him that she knows, but he’s over it.”

“YOU TOLD BRUCE BEFORE ME?! WHAT THE HELL TIM!” Dick yelled again. “I didn’t necessarily tell him, he learned it himself, he is you know who.”

“Yeah but I better meet her soon! Got it?!” Dick laughed on the other end. “Yeah you will, I promise. Thanks Dick see you at home.” He heard him chuckle over the line, “No problem, go get your girl Timbers” He finished before hanging up.

Sighing he dropped his phone in his pocket before turning to see you standing there. You laughed nervously before walking up to him, he noticed the bag hanging over your shoulder. “I, uh, didn’t know you were the jealous type.” chuckling nervously.

He scratched the back of his neck, “Yeah I uh, didn’t know it either until I met Mr. Tall, Tan, and Handsome.” He noticed your smile drop, “You don’t think you’re handsome?” looking at him incredulously.

“Well I know I’m not as tall as him, or as tan, and I’m –” he began but you cut him off. “You’re handsome, smart, caring, strong, you believe in me and trust me, you treat me better than anyone ever has and I love everything about you. Yes, maybe you’re not 6 foot and don’t go to a tanning bed every weekend, but that doesn’t make you any less attractive. I find you 10x as amazing and handsome than anyone on this planet. Please don’t ever feel like you’re not good enough for me because you’re wrong. If anything I don’t deserve you.” Cupping his face in your hands.

Tim smiled, speechless. He leaned down and connected his lips to yours softly. Both of you relishing in the moment before he pulled away, “Thank you” he whispered. You giggled, “No problem, now let’s go to my place and watch a movie” taking his hand and tugging him with you.

Grinning he met your side and you leaned on his shoulder. Kissing your temple he thought, ‘Dick and everyone is going to love her, but not as much as me.’

list of reactions I wish I’d get from straight people when I come out to them as bisexual:

  • “Okay. Cool….. wanna go watch a movie or somethin?”

list of completely inappropriate reactions I actually got from straight people when I came out to them as bisexual:

  1. “What? I thought you liked men?”
  2. “So are you… like… a   l e s b i a n   now?”
  3. “Does that mean you don’t like men anymore?”
  4. “Did you even ever have sex with a woman?”
  5. “You can’t know you’re bi if you’ve never had sex with a woman. You have to try it to know!”
  6. “That’s hot. We could have a threesome!” (said to me by my male intimate ex-partner)
  7. “Do you prefer men or women?”

list of things I wish I had been able to say in response but anger and fear got stuck in my throat instead:

  1. Yes, I like men. And woman. Bisexuality means that I am able to feel attraction to two or more genders. Liking men does not mean I can’t also like women.
  2. No, see 1.
  3. No. Again - see 1!
  4. That’s none of your fucking business, you nosy little brat. Would you have asked the same questions if I had told you that I’m attracted to men? Or would you have accepted that without expecting me to prove my attraction to them?
  5. I also knew I liked men long before I ever had sex with a man but because our heteronormative society expects me to be attracted to men, no one told me I had to “try to be sure”. Remember: Sexual orientation does not equal sexual experiences.
  6. Sure, man, do you know a hot dude who’d be up for it? My sexual orientation is not there for straight men to jerk off over. Stop sexualising me! Bisexual people are not an invention of the porn industry - we really exist. Everywhere. And degrading us to sexobjects is hurting us!
  7. Sexuality is fluid and preferences can change. And I can feel attracted to different genders in different ways. But to be honest I feel like you are just asking me this to question whether my sexual identity is valid enough.

anonymous asked:

Aizawa's S/O meets his class scenario?

yay for aizawa’s pain!

Aizawa Shouta
“You can’t shake me off that easily, Shouta-kun!” A voice calls, sickeningly sweet from outside of the door of his classroom. Aizawa hasn’t even gotten his greeting to the class out yet and he already wants to craw into his sleeping bag and sleep. 1-A looks around, confused, and then suddenly the door slides open- almost to the point where it unhinges itself.

“Of course I can’t, with your strength. If you break the door, you buy it too.” He groans, rubbing at his temples as his lover waltzes in, sunhat and beach bag and sunny smile. He’d really, really tried to not have them come visit his class, but he knows that when they’re adamant about something, they wont. give. up

They wrap their arms around his shoulders, and quickly pecks his cheek. The class literally blows up in chatter. His lover just snickers when he tries to dislodge himself from their iron grip.

“Hi 1-A!! I’m your teacher’s partner. Nice to meet you all~” 

“WHAAAAAAAAT?? NO WAY?? SOMEONE LIKE AIZAWA-SENSEI?!” A redhead is the first one to scream, jolting out his seat.

“Hey, I’m still here, you know.” Aizawa clicks his tongue. He just wants to finish homeroom and get out for a while. This is so complicated. It’s like having a second Present-Mic around him– only more intimate. He doesn’t even want to see them stick around for English.

They ask questions all through homeroom. If Aizawa had things he needed to announce, he’d be really upset about it, but they’d already turned in the last assignment. He tries to screw off into his sleeping bag, but they keep him glued.

“So, is Aizawa-sensei like, totally romantic??” Tooru inquires, and Aizawa can almost see her somewhat mischievous expression. His lover smiles clumsily.

“He’s actually a real sweetheart. You wouldn’t expect it from this log, but he loves to make me smile~ He’s so great~!” 

Okay, well butter him up. He’s listening.

“Really?? How does he make you smile??” Mina follows up.

“Well, sometimes he buys me flowers, and he likes to cook me dinner cause I’m a klutz in the kitchen, haha.” They blush. It’s insanely beautiful against their nape. “He’s not much one for PDA, but he loves hugs. He’s a big ol’ Teddy Bear!”

Okay, that’s enough, never mind the butter.

“Look. Homeroom is almost over.” He points at the clock, and starts to push them out the door.

“Ehh, but homeroom’s not over until–”

“Page 241 of your textbooks. Study it and be quiet.”

I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.

I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.

Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.

As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.

I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more.

Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her.

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less.

Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.

She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you.
To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.
I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.

Actually, I did abandon her.

By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.

Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.

I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.

It’s torture for everyone.

If you’re in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question:
“Why am I choosing my partner today?”

If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”

If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.

But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.

Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.
You do, too.

Choose wisely.

—  Bryan Reeves

anonymous asked:

weird question. But actors do have real life partners and then they do these intimate scenes and their bodies react. Do you think they feel bad in a way that they're sort of cheating. Even though they're not.

I mean it probably depends on the person/couple. I think most actors know that during those scenes your body is going to react a certain way regardless of any actual feelings you may or may not have for the other person. I would think that their partners would understand that too but, again, it might depend on the person/couple. 

I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.

I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.

Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.

As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.

I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more.

Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her.

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less.

Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.

She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you.
To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.
I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.

Actually, I did abandon her.

By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.

Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.

I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.

It’s torture for everyone.

If you’re in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question:
“Why am I choosing my partner today?”

If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”

If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.

But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.

Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.
You do, too.

Choose wisely.

anonymous asked:

@Kyle, I'm not trying to be nasty but you guys are in intimate relationship, right? I just wanted to ask for your advice if you're experienced with this. I've been going out with my boyfriend for longest and I think we're ready to go to the next lvl. However, he never brings up sex when we're alone and I'm not sure how to bring up that I want to have sex.My question is how can I tell my partner that I'm ready without it being awkward and forced? Thank you.

You two are essentially in the same position. But you shouldn’t force those kinds of moments. If you feel like the moment’s right then try to initiate and see if he reacts well.
- Kyle

I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.

I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.

Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.

As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.

I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more.
Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her.

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behaviour. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less.

Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.

She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you.

To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.

I realise now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.

Actually, I did abandon her.

By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.

Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.

I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.

It’s torture for everyone.

If you’re in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question:
“Why am I choosing my partner today?”

If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”

If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.
But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.

Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.
You do, too.
Choose wisely. ॐ

“Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her)” by Brian Reeves.

Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her)

I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.

I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.

Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.

As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.

I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more.

Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her.

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less.

Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.

She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you.
To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.
I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.

Actually, I did abandon her.

By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.

Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.

I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.

It’s torture for everyone.

If you’re in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question:
“Why am I choosing my partner today?”

If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”

If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.

But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.

Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.
You do, too.

Choose wisely.

lilly-p-and-sweet-tea  asked:

Hi! I was just wondering what are appropriate topics of conversation and questions for the preferential round? I also just wanted to let you know that you've helped me so much with recruitment this week, so thank you so much!

The preference round is much more serious. The chapters will have several meaningful ceremonies to encourage the PNMs to join their sorority. It can be an emotional round for the sisters and the PNMs. The conversations will be more about feelings and the benefits of joining the sisterhood. There will probably be singing, poems, candles and lots of sisterhood sharing. The members will express their heartfelt beliefs about the sorority. It will be such a unique evening, you will spend most of the time listening and experiencing the sisterhood emotions. 

By the final round, you probably don’t have too many questions left. You will be paired with a sister you bonded with in earlier rounds. You may speak with one or two other members as well. But the evening is more about intimate conversations and symbolic traditions. If needed, these are the types of things you can ask the special sister you’re partnered with……

🌹 20 PNM Preference Night Questions to Ask Sisters: 🌹

  • Why did you join the chapter when you rushed?
  • What’s the most meaningful thing about your sorority?
  • What’s your favorite part of chapter life?
  • If you could do it again, would you join the same sisterhood?
  • Who has been the greatest influence on you? How has she shaped your life?
  • What makes a XYZ girl different from the rest?
  • Is sorority life what you expected, or different than you thought as a PNM?
  • What three words would you use to describe your sorority?
  • What are your happiest new member memories? 
  • What are you looking forward to this coming year?
  • How would you describe your membership so far?
  • How does your national organization influence chapter life?
  • What’s the biggest benefit of joining your sisterhood?
  • Why do you love your sisters? 
  • How have your sisters helped you grow?
  • What is the highest value held by the sisterhood?
  • Where do you see the chapter in 10 years?
  • Would you want your daughter to join XYZ sorority one day?
  • If you had to describe your chapter in one word, what would it be?
  • What makes your sorority a home and not just a club?

When you get to Preference you do not want to seem uncertain or anguished. At each house you should act impressed and truly blessed to be a final PNM. How lucky you are! You also want to be very interested and appropriately moved by the sister’s love. Your evening should be totally positive, moderately emotional (don’t go overboard) and all about your strong chemistry with the sisters.

If you have any doubts, or serious misgivings, please discuss them with your Rho Gamma/Gamma Chi after the pref rounds. Your mind could change several times throughout the night and you don’t want to make a wrong move. Save your final ranking decisions for a private moment with your recruitment counselor’s help if needed. As a PNM you want to be on the A-list at each sorority, which means giving your all to the chapters during the final round. xoxo ;)

anonymous asked:

how can i tell if someone is gaslighting me or if they truly don't remember the incident i'm talking about?

This is a difficult question and I’m not sure I can give a simple answer. Abusers often pretend to have forgotten things (particularly their abuse), sometimes they forget it because it simply wasn’t important to them and didn’t impact them the way it impacted their victim/s, some are able to convince themselves that certain things didn’t happen (denial).

It might help to consider if there are multiple things they claim they don’t remember and if there’s a common element between them, e.g. if they only forget incidents where they were abusive. If they always deny or “forget” their abuse but remember other interactions fairly consistently, that may be a sign that they’re lying. Another helpful approach is to consider what they gain or lose by saying they remember or don’t remember; abuse usually has a payoff, it achieves something and gives the abuser something they want. If all the things they forget work in their favour, that’s potentially a sign that they’re lying. Two of the primary ways abusers benefit from lying about their memory is that it enables them to escape responsibility for their abuse and it makes the victim doubt their own reality. The latter is a form of psychological abuse and, as you mentioned in your ask, gaslighting.

In terms of memory, there are a variety of different conditions that can interfere with it, too many to list, in fact. In general though, these memory issues will come up across the board and interfere with the person’s life, whether they can’t remember important events, what their schedule is for that day or where they put their keys.

I hope this answers your question. I’m going to think more about this and hopefully add some more information to this post. One book that discusses abuser tactics very thoroughly is Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, which you can read and download for free here. It’s framed in terms of intimate partner violence with male perpetrators and female victims but the tactics abusers use are largely the same regardless of the situation so its well worth a read even if your situation is different.

anonymous asked:

hey do you have any ideas on how to navigate disclosing sex work to partners? I'm seeing someone who I really like but am not sure if there's a point at which I either have to tell them what I do or keep it a secret forever, and I've been burned by both approaches before (and obviously people who freak out probably aren't going to end up being great partners anyway, but I worry that I'm also possibly just handling the disclosure the wrong way and have told previous partners too soon or too late)

Oh my gosh, SO MANY IDEAS. Sit down, grab some popcorn, let’s talk about people and all their weird feelings about touching junk for money when you also touch their junk. 

A lot of it depends on what position sex work holds in your life.  For me, for instance, it’s my primary source of income, has been for seven years, and will continue to be so for the foreseeable future. For me, there’s not a lot of negotiating room — being okay (more than okay, frankly) with dating an active sex worker is a cost of entry for dating me, and so there is no gain to delaying the disclosure. I don’t give a lot of detail, but I mention that I’m a sex worker in my okcupid profile, to hopefully weed out as many unsuitable folks as possible before we even get to the messaging stage. Like you mention, if someone’s not okay with what I do, then no amount of careful massaging of the admission is going to turn that person into a good partner for me, and I’m not too interested in trying. (seriously. there are SO MANY amazing, beautiful, astounding people out there who will also not be assholes about your job. do not lose hope.) Personally, I come at it with a very “take it or leave it” approach.

But for probably the vast majority of sex workers, sex work is a much smaller piece of what they do with their day — whether it’s something that they’ll only do for a couple of years, or that they only do once in a while to cover the occasional gap in the bills getting paid. In those circumstances (or if you’re just less of a weird hardass than I am), it’s understandable that you might want to finesse things a bit more.

(I will also note here that, if sex work is a rare moonlighting type of escapade, or you’re in the process of transitioning out or planning to, I’m not 100% sure that you really do have to disclose, if you’re not so inclined. The first question to ask yourself when trying to figure out how to tell your partner probably is “What is my goal in sharing this information, and do I actually need to share it in order to have the relationship I want to have?” Probably most people will say yes, but it’s a question worth examining.) 

I think that the most important thing to do, if you’re trying to lead someone through understanding and accepting what you do, is to mirror the reaction you would like them to have. At the end of the day, most people know precisely sweet fuck all about the realities of sex work — so, when you tell someone that you’re a sex worker, they will be looking to you for clues as to how to handle that information.  If you approach the subject like you’re hesitantly drawing the curtain from a horrifying and shameful Big Secret, they’re more likely to react in kind. If you treat it like it’s no big deal, then you are at least giving them the option to follow suit.  

A thing I like to do is test the waters (not with my romantic partners, but with people who I have less choice about associating with) — I try to bring sex work into the conversation in a general, theoretical way (I often say I volunteer in sex work advocacy, which is true).  This both gives me a little insight in to how they’re likely to react, and gives them some space to ask questions and air potential misconceptions in a less pressured setting.

While disclosing will pretty naturally lend itself to your partner asking a lot of questions, just because you have chosen to tell someone that you’re a sex worker, it does not mean that they suddenly have an all-access pass to every intimate detail of your working life.  You can make space for them to ask questions, and to hopefully gain a better understanding of what led you to make your particular choices, and why they work for you, but you still are allowed to draw boundaries, and say “hey, that’s private,” or even just “I don’t want to discuss that right now.”  If you want to give them information about sex work generally, without necessarily holding a Q&A about yourself, come prepared with some copies of Prose and Lore, or some links to awesome sex worker tumblrs — there are lots and lots of us talking about the huge diversity of experiences, and framing what you do in the context of thousands upon thousands of people who have all made similar-but-different choices can be a very demystifying experience without putting your life under a microscope. 

On the whole, I do think earlier is better, because if it’s a problem, it’s a hard, if not impossible one to come back from. Even if you quit working to assuage your partner’s issues with it, that doesn’t guarantee you freedom from the stigma of sex work, and if it’s enough of a problem that your partner wants you to quit, I promise it’s going to come up in a fight one day in a really ugly fashion. So, it’s better to get it out of the way when there’s less emotional investment from all parties concerned.  Much better to say “Oh my gosh, I went on this nightmare first date with a SWERF!” than “Oh my gosh, I’ve been dating a SWERF for six months and now my heart is shattered into itty bitty pieces.” 

However you decide to disclose, don’t be too hard on yourself. If someone fundamentally does not support sex workers, there is not magic “right way” of telling them that you are one that is going to change that. You can make it easier on them, and more importantly, easier on yourself, but picking the perfect moment is not going to make a big difference to how they react.  If someone’s first reaction is “you didn’t tell me soon enough” then there was never going to be a “soon enough” (and, on that note, anyone who gets mad at you for not leading with your job description is not thinking critically about all of the super pragmatic reasons why you need to assess how safe someone is before doing so). For your own wellbeing, try to free yourself from the burden of willing the right reaction into existence. No matter how gentle and tactful you are, your partner’s reaction is ultimately their responsibility, and in their control. 

In your particular instance, please know that I am wishing you all of the luck in the world, and will be crossing my fingers that the person you are seeing appreciates how completely fucking awesome and ingenious and tenacious you are, if you decide to tell them. 

On a final note: You do not owe disclosure to anyone, no matter what. Disclosing your status as a sex worker, even a former or occasional worker, can have unpredictable and dangerous consequences. If you have any reason to suspect that someone will react by lashing out, either violently or by outing you elsewhere, do not tell them.  You do not owe jeopardizing your safety to anyone, no matter what the circumstances. 

Alter etiquette

One of the requests we’ve received quite a lot of is alter etiquette - how to treat alters and what/what not to say

We love this idea and I believe it’s the main one we’re going to run with =]

We do need your help however to get some experiences this and it would be great if people could reblog this with ideas

We need:
1) things that have been said to you that generally were inappropriate (e.g. Are you an alter ego like Britney Spears)
2) the correct ways you think an alter/system should be treated and what to say - this can be in therapy or socially
3) and/or the oddest questions you’ve been asked! You know - those ones where people want to know the answers to but aren’t quite sure of what to say xD (e.g. Is your partner intimate with all of you)

Thanks a bunch all =]

In a world where sex education is often basic, and porn is everywhere, author Christa Desir wants young adult fiction to be a place where kids can find answers and also questions about consensual sex. “What do you want? What’s pleasurable for you?” she asks. “And what’s pleasurable for your partner? And how can you be intimate and it not be awkward?”
"Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her)" by Brian Reeves

I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.

I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.

Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.

As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.

I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more.
Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her.

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behaviour. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less.

Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.

She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you.

To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.

I realise now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.

Actually, I did abandon her.

By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.

Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.

I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.

It’s torture for everyone.

If you’re in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question:
“Why am I choosing my partner today?”

If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”

If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.
But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.

Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day. You do, too.

Choose wisely.