internets busiest music nerd

  • Anthony Fantano: *wakes up strapped to a chair in a dark warehouse* What the fuck, where am I?
  • Jigsaw: *rides out on his tricycle* Hello, Anthony. For years you have been reviewing music, deeming yourself the "internet's busiest music nerd", but the truth is that you know nothing about electronic music. You've never even been to England. Yet, you still judge it like you're an expert.
  • *psytrance starts playing*
  • Jigsaw: You have six minutes to correctly choose whether this track is full-on psytrance or soumisaundi psytrance. If you choose incorrectly or run out of time, you will be rendered permanently deaf by the power drills on each side of you head. Make your choice wisely. *tricycles back into the darkness*
  • Fantano: You're a fucking madman! This is IMPOSSIBLE!
Anthony Fantano in Wonderland

It was indeed a smashing day to lay eyes upon. The birds were humming the melody to in the aeroplane over the sea and the sun was just getting out of it´s bed made from the trees in the horizon. Not everyone was just getting out of bed though, there was one man who was always up before the roosters and that man´s name was…

”Hi everyone, Anthony Fantano here, the internet´s busiest music nerd” Anthony said with a smile on his face the exact moment he opened his eyes. The time was 4:20 am and it was still dark outside. The birds and the sun were sleeping and the only ones up were Anthony and the moon. Anthony rose from his sleeping position almost robotically with a perfectly straight back, he then proceeded to get out of bed and put on his clothes. As the digital clock hit the time 4:25 our friend was down in his kitchen cooking up a batch of some almost out of this worldly dank melonade. After all, it was in the middle of the summer and you gotta stay hydrated. When he was done he drank the entire thing, let out a slight burp and then threw the mason jar he drank it from in the sink with the ones from last night. Anthony brushed his glorious and strong seven spitting teeth and then walked out to the room where he recorded his videos kept his precious vinyls.

”Bliss and heaven, gorgeousness and gorgeousity made wax” He thought.

He took out his copy of the money store from his shelf and gazed upon the cover in pure awe for a brief moment. He thought back on his review and let out a sigh.

”Those were the days” He said quietly as a tear rolled down his cheek in memory of the dissolving of death grips.

He looked at his collection, then on the record in his hands and finally out the window. He thought for that moment that the world was a terrible place and not for him.

”If only I lived inside of my vinyl records, then I´d be happy. Inside of it MC Ride is still alive” He thought in despair.

He took out the sleeve and started to roll the record out from it, when suddenly… The record let go of the sleeve too fast for Anthony and it fell to the floor. Anthony nearly screamed, he was quickly down on the floor picking up the record but acted too quickly for him to notice that he put his sticky melonade fingers right on the grooves.

When Anthony realized what he was doing it was too late. He gently moved his thumb in chock and saw a big fingerprint on side B. Anthony fainted with the record still in his hands.

Anthony woke up to complete darkness. Then it turned a shade brighter, then another shade brighter and finally he could see what was before him. Next to him were two giant black rocky walls, from the looks of it unclimbable even with the early Schwarzenegger body which Anthony possessed. Above the mountaintops there was only light, no textures, only a white light shining down the valley but not lighting it up. Anthony rose from the ground, he had a slight headache. He tried to turn around to see what was behind him but it was tricky as the ground had humongous dust particles all over it forming a layer of sticky wet soil. When Anthony finally managed to turn around he saw the exact same thing as what layed before him, a dark valley leading to somewhere even darker. Anthony let out a loud hello but was only met with his own echo as an answer. That and a seemingly everlasting tone in the air. The tone began to enhance the headache that Anthony was experiencing so he began to move forward. He got nowhere on that crooked spastic line of a road, the only thing changing was the sound he was hearing which Anthony noticed was an incredibly slowed down version of Death grips´ bitch please. Right as Anthony was in the middle of MC Ride yelling ”ROCKS” he saw a figure before him. Seemingly a black man, very tall, age 25 to 30. Anthony said with a low voice:

”Hello?” The man turned around, Anthony saw now who it was, or at least who it used to be.

Before Anthony stood his idol Stefan Burnett (aka Mc Ride) himself in all his glory, the only odd thing about him was that he had the facial shape of a melon and that his face was pink with tiny black spots. Anthony gasped and got ready to tell him all about how he was in love with him and how different The powers that B part 1 was when he was disrupted by a very loud noise. It was Mc Ride screaming the lyrics to Bitch Please but louder than Anthony had ever experienced. Mc Ride began to sprint right towards Anthony while screaming, needless to say, Anthony lost his shit. A dramatic chase took place in the deep dusty valley back to where Anthony had woken up with a soundtrack involving Ride screaming the lyrics to bitch please backwards and Fantano screaming in terror.

”Help! Somebody! I hate it here!” He sobbed loudly. ”I´ve changed my mind, a record is a terrible place and no place for a melon like me! Please get me out!”

Anthony opened his eyes, still in his bed, drenched in sweat. He was shaking. Anthony looked around and saw beside him only his girlfriend from that one video and his nightstand with a picture of Cal on it. He started to regain a grasp of reality and realized that it had all been a dream. We are now back in the beginning of our story with the birds singing and all that. Anthony rose from his bed more human than he had ever felt and more at peace than he had ever felt. He walked over to the window, looked out of it and said:

”What a day to be alive, I´m feeling a strong 9… to a 10 on this one”

The end