internet smiles


he/him, even with the hijab picture

tagged by the amazing @hubris-but-no-writing

i tag: @somekindoffan @smoltinypumpkinchild @treblingbass @perhaps-im-indecisive @hailwicked @hamiltonandfluff @ineedsomuchassistance @alexangery @thellamaduo @fillertexted @pixel-potato

[archaeologist in 2016]: ahhhh !!! a scorpion……goddang it sure is sweltering out here……oh look another midden

[internet archaeologist in 2994]: tub girl…..two girls one cup…..”when bae on fleek and you hittin it from the back”…..frog thing………..goddammit what am i doing with my life

Enviormental Hazzard

Thanks to my betas for going through all these stories!!!! 

Prompt: It’s Damian’s first mother’s day with YN and he wants to make her a present,and it’s super cute because he’s attached to her ever since her met her. What do you think?

Requested by: Anon

Words: 559

You were fairly certain that they were pancakes. You weren’t a hundred percent sure, but you know, maybe around eighty percent sure. Looking up into Damian’s eyes you smiled, and then you lied, you lied your ass off. “They look amazing Damian, thank you so much.”

          You watch as Damian beams a smile “The internet said that this is how mother’s day is done. Breakfast in bed, and an overall relaxing day, where said mother is pampered all day. And since Grayson, Drake, and Todd are all absent this mother’s day, I’ll do their share as well. I’ll let you eat now.”

          You kiss his cheek before he leaves the room, and a moment later Bruce slips into the room. He kisses you before wishing you a happy mother’s day. Scooting over a bit he sits down next to you and stares at your breakfast. “Are they even edible?” He asks.

          You shake your head “For all the amazing genetics that you passed down to that boy Bruce, you also passed down your inability to cook.”

          Bruce laughs. “True, but at least I eventually gave up.”

          You look him in the eye, and raise an eyebrow in scrutiny. “Only after you gave me food poisoning on our third date.”

          “Alfred banned me from the kitchen after that. I’ll see if he’ll add Damian to that list.”

          You sigh as you pick up one of the black pancakes. It’s burnt all the way through, and hard as a hockey puck, you’re almost surprised that it hasn’t turned to ash. As you raise it to your mouth, Bruce catches your wrist before you can take a bite. “You aren’t seriously going to eat it, are you?”

          “Did I eat your ‘lasagna’?”

          “Yes, and spent the next three days in the bathroom throwing up.”

          “Then what do you suggest?” You demand. He takes the plate and throws the pancakes out the window and you can hear them land on the ground with a rather loud thud.

          You smile. “He better not find those.”

          Bruce smiles as he climbs back into the bed and kisses you. “The raccoons will drag them off.”

          “That makes them an environmental hazard.”  

          Bruce just kisses you again before nuzzling your neck. “I’ll throw them away once you and Damian go out.”

          “I’m going out?”

          Bruce smiles. “He has the entire day planned, catered restaurants included.”

          You smile as Damian barges into the room, effectively stopping Bruce’s roaming hand. He’s glaring at his father, he’s never been one to share your attention, not even with Bruce. “Father, get off of mother, she needs to get dressed. We have plans to keep. After all, it’s mother’s day, not your anniversary.” He comes further into the room and places a white box on the nightstand “Grayson helped me pick out your outfit for the day.” He explains before vanishing out the door.

          Both you and Bruce grimace at the news after Damian is gone. If there’s anything worse than Damian’s cooking, it would have to be Dick’s fashion sense.  You just nod a bit “So… this is motherhood.”

          “I could spill some bleach on it.” Bruce offered.

          You just kiss your husband and say, “A bad outfit isn’t going to kill me.”

          Bruce just laughs, “Wait to make that statement until after you open the box.”

Is that a doggy smile I see?

The internet loves photos of ‘smiling’ dogs.  But is that dog really happy, and how can you tell? It’s important to know the difference between a stressed dog, an overstimulated dog, and a happy dog - both for your own safety and so that you’re not sharing incorrect information that could get someone else hurt. Before you scroll down, stop and think for a second - what do you think a happy dog’s face looks like?

If you answered soft eyes, slack mouth and lolling tongue, you’re right! Unfortunately, because we’re primates, humans are cued to see tension around the lips and exposed teeth as a ‘smile’ - and in dog language, that means something totally different. A quick google search for ‘smiling dog’ pulls up these:

None of these are happy dogs. All show signs of stress. The signs to look for are tension around the lips/edge of the mouth, nose wrinkles, bared teeth, hard or squinted eyes, ears held farther back on the head, and overall tension. The last photo is probably an appeasement behavior, and the second is definitely fear with a potential for aggression.

Let’s look at some dogs showing happy smiles! Here’s the first google image for happy dog that I got:

Much better. Doesn’t that look like a happy animal? The skin around the mouth is relaxed, the mouth is open, the eyes are soft and there’s no tension in the face.

Now let’s look at some slightly more complicated examples, starring angerinyourbones‘s Spike and zookeeping‘s Ace. It’s important to know the animal you’re viewing when you try to figure out if it’s happy, because each animal uses different body language.

Here’s a great photo of Ace being super happy and smiling:

Erect ears, soft eyes, soft edges of the mouth (even though it’s open because he’s panting, they’re not pulled back tightly), loose face, hanging tongue without tension. In contrast, here’s Ace when he’s very overheated, but still smiley and happy. You can see that his face is still pretty soft even though it’s stretched because he’s panting hard.

Contrast that with this last photo of Ace below - this face isn’t a smile. Note how much tension there is in his face, especially around the eyes and the corners of the mouth. The tongue is pretty tense, too. Zookeeping describes this photo as him being overstimulated and very intense, fixated on her hand.

So that’s a good examples of how different dogs show stress/intensity/smiles differently. Lots of people would say that the third photo of Ace is a smile and the 2nd might be stressed, but it’s actually flipped. Remember - the more tense the muscle of the face, the less likely it is to be a smile.

Let’s contrast this with Spike! Here’s a great photo of him being fucking adorable and smiley.

Notice the soft eyes and face and lolling tongue.

Now compare that to the photo below. In the second photo, his tongue is lolling more but there’s also a little more tension around his eyes and pulling back the corners of his mouth. This isn’t a doggy smile, it’s a combination of overheating and stress. My big giveaway on calling that is looking how far back the corners of his mouth are pulled, because it’s more tension than would be necessary with his mouth open to pant that way.

Here’s a photo of Spike when he’s just plain overheated and not stressed - you can see how his face is a lot softer than the photo above, and there’s not as much tension in his lips.

This concludes dog smiles 101! Basically, look for soft features and a loose tongue. Check to see if the amount of tension around the lips is about the amount needed for how open the mouth is (and it’s not a smile if the mouth is closed). Eyes should be soft, ears should be wherever they normally sit on the dog’s head when it’s active and alert.

I’ll leave you with a photo of my surrogate baby, Avalanche, and his killer smile.