internet dates

philosophy-and-coffee  asked:

The question you asked about the Garlfied post: I would read the SHIT out of a story about a starving artist making a deal with an eldritch horror from beyond and accidently ending up getting some otherworldly dick.

okay so here is my pitch

it would be called Lionel James Wants To Be Famous

leo is a young man who, as the title suggests, would really like to be famous. and he has a lot of ideas about how he could like to be famous. but unfortunately for leo, he has approximately no talent, and not even in an interesting wiseau kind of a way.

he tried making a webcomic, which went approximately nowhere. he tried making flash animations, back when that was a thing. he returned to the well of webcomics. he tried stand-up. he tried self-publishing young adult novels. he made two episodes of a podcast. his latest venture has been an attempt to make it as a famous youtuber.

but he fucking sucks. not even in the fun way that some people suck. if he went viral for being shitty, he would be ecstatic. he would sell t-shirts celebrating his own humiliation. there is just nothing even remotely interesting about leo. there is not a creative bone in his body. he has no vision or drive. he is the guy who thinks he’s funny because he’s really good at repeating stand-up routines he saw on comedy central. he’s just. he’s not great.

so he does what any young man with minimal ambition that exceeds his even more minimal talent would do, and he summons a demon. which takes the form of a cat. a very round and fluffy black cat, with red eyes.

he names it taft.

taft the cat is a photogenic cheese-loving internet sensation. leo monetizes everything. there are shirts. there are ad-covered videos. taft gets their own comic book. sponsorships. leo gets to go on talk shows with his ridiculous fat cat from hell.

here is the thing about taft: they have been doing this for a long time. artists are easy marks. they’ve never taken the form of a lolcat before, but generally, acting as a muse is a quick way to get a soul. because sooner than later, an artist will realize how unfulfilling it is, how much it sucks to know that all their success is actually because of their demon muse, etc etc.

obviously getting artists to kill themselves due to lack of creative fulfillment isn’t exactly nice, but, demon.

leo, however, fucking loves this arrangement. because leo is not an artist. he just wants to be treated like one. and with dawning horror, this hideous shadowterror comes to realize that they are going to be stuck with this asshole for a really long time. and no matter what they do to try to make leo uncomfortable, or renege on the deal… it never works. he just rolls with it.

taft must now try to find a way to make living with an obnoxious manchild into something tolerable, and so far their plan is 90% ‘annoy the everliving shit out of him’ with a 10% side of ‘well, at least he’s not bad-looking’.

anonymous asked:

what did they write in the autograph book...?

phil about dan:

“Dan Howell, whose name rhymes with hand towel, bland scowl, and sand owl, was created when a woodland creature had a baby with Liam Payne from one direction. When not procrastinating by eating the entire fridge or staying awake until 6am, he makes youtube videos on the channel danisnotonfire (which was his username back in the lolrandom bebo days.) Before becoming a Youtuber, teenager Dan worked in a DIY shop until one day he sold an axe to an eight year old. Dan’s Greatest Hits include “what not to do at the beach” (where he actually went outside), “sexy internet dating” (where he invited a naked 58 year old man called Manesh to our house), and “what is my life” (where he spent eight minutes pritt-sticking various meat products to his face). I know what you are thinking, “I want some Dan facts!” WELL HERE THEY ARE, JENNY! (I just totally freaked out anyone called Jenny) Dan is scared of trees. Dan eats cinnamon cereal every day (except the days I steal his cereal). I am sat next to Dan now and he said if he could have any dog it would be a Shiba Inu. If you haven’t checked out his videos yet then you are missing out - a LOT. Also you might want to check out his pretty cool friend Phil.

Get his autograph below! or find someone else called Dan and get him to forge it. Just convince yourself it was true.

Ok bye.”

dan about phil:

“Phil Lester is the by-product of two related grandparents and a haircut that was cool in 2006, but that’s okay because he has a lovely personality. His quirky videos and idiosyncratic editing sets him apart from other YouTube vloggers - that and his unique life which seems to attract a worryingly large amount of strange people and situations (which he relives for your enjoyment). If you look at yourself in the mirror and think “wow i am so weird, how do i function?” - Phil’s the guy that teaches you to embrace your individuality.

If you see Phil this weekend, do not be alarmed if his hand is facing backwards towards his pocket in a claw shape, he can’t help it. And he was does not condone irresponsible use of a permanent marker on your face.

Remember, normalness leads to sadness.”

listen i could fucking die

10

2017.07.01. | Happy birthday, child!