Probably Gre/aysexual PoC?
Most of my life has been focused on the visible stuff. Oh, you’re Asian adopted to white parents. (That’s the real definition of transracial, BTW). Oh you’re Jewish (But you’re adopted/Asian….). Oh you’re a woman. Oh, you have a black cousin–I don’t believe you. But your aunt is white— are you *shock* biracial (with a face that says, That’s so wrong)
You were poor?
Why can’t you speak English well? Do you speak English well? You speak English well, but I’m not going to believe you. I’m going to compliment you on your English.
Why are you Asian and horrible at math with a learning disability?
Being this intersectional I didn’t have time to pay attention to the fact that my sexual attraction and romantic attraction was so-called “not normal”. People were on my case for everything else. I was liminal on a bunch of other things, why did I exactly have to pay attention to this too?
I’ve felt physical attraction before. There was a guy in high school I felt physical attraction to. 2 more with no desire to date them. But intense physical attraction wasn’t, OMG, I want a relationship and to sleep with them. And for that time period I thought that was normal and everyone else was kinda strange.
So I came up with the idea of what if I could cut out all attraction to anyone. And I really didn’t think that was a thing. I thought I invented it. I wrote it into a story, tried to trouble shoot it, and then found out it *is* a thing–before asexuality.org opened up.
OK, so it is a thing, but all the asexual people I met were aro ace or sex repulsed ace. (Still trying to write the Phoenix story with a clear PoC female aro ace as a lead. Because Phoenixes are naturally aro ace according to myth, and I couldn’t make the rider *not* aro ace. PoC, ‘cause well, Feng Huang, and other versions of it from East Asia got thrown in and I need to represent the people as much as the mythology.) I wasn’t that so I didn’t think I was asexual. Besides, when you have people calling you from their cars sexist and racist things, why should I care about it? People are being prejudiced about everything else, so I can afford to ignore it.
Still, I saw people who went to bed on their first dates in movies and I thought, “Well, that’s not real” and one night stands… neither I understand.
It wasn’t until I took a demisexuality test for fun, thinking I would get allosexual, that I scored an impressive 80-something… and people below that score were identifying as demisexual, that I realized something was different. I took it again two more times at different times with the most conservative answers and still got in the 80’s. Took another test and still got a high rating. Did more reading, and it was more instead of a clicking moment, a “!@#$ another interesectionality–I don’t !@#$ing need this.” Let’s be clear that’s not denial, that’s more of this is a pain in the butt because of the other intersectionalities I’m already getting prejudice for.
Still, I think I fit more into the gre/ay area. And I still don’t give a damn, which might be a part of my sexual attraction/romantic identity anyway. I have more pressing things to worry about and most people aren’t going to say acephobic things to me, when they can chase after me for my religion, my mental health status, my race, my ethnicity, my womanhood, how much I do speak or don’t speak English, my learning disability, or say rude things about poor people–which gets to me since I have been poor. They could victim blame me in a number of ways, which I don’t feel like detailing that there is a set script for. And they could say while I’m listing the intersectionalities that I often forget the entire list for that I’m making it up. I mean even *I* think I look like one of those diversity characters you plug into a novel to *badge* prove you aren’t prejudiced in any way. I couldn’t even dare to plug all my intersectionalities into one character because I’d be staring at that character and not believing them and I’d accuse that character of the giant pathetic sob story, which I frankly hate, which is why I don’t usually air all of the intersectionalities at once. But somehow I exist. They have a plethora of crap to chase after me for most of which they know how to apply, versus asexual which is barely known yet, and so of the order of things on my list because of it and because romance and sex aren’t high on my list anyway, I pretty much leave the whole ace identity behind. I can take or leave romance, and I can take or leave sex. And I have restrictions on both that probably leave most men (since I’m heteroromantic.) cold. I need mental and emotional attraction in order to feel anything romantic or sexual, and it might take a while to get there too.
And even if I do get there, I still want to take it slower than the “normal rate” Something like the rate of a Victorian Romance Novel, which was pretty extreme fiction, even for the Victorians.
I think I can sum up my ace-ness this way: I hate dopamine addiction, but love me the oxytocin and serotonin, but to get there, I need certain mental and emotional connections met.
BTW, I still can’t write allosexual people. I DON’T UNDERSTAND. I’ve been working on it since I was a teenager and I still can’t do it. All those stories fizzled. The only way I can remotely do it is if the allosexual people are already married and in love, which, frankly, is cheating. I think I’m stuck writing ace people or ace-ish relationships for life. If I get published in addition to what I’ve already published (Which frankly was cheating on the allosexual), I don’t think I’ll be writing allosexual people. Sorry. I can’t do it. I tried. I failed repeatedly. Will they identify as ace? I have no idea. Maybe I’ll figure out allosexual people some day and then write it in.