intelligent jokes

As a woman, I know you’re young, but you gotta hear it now: the most valuable part about you is your brain. Get an education; don’t let anybody tell you that your body or the size that you wear or any of that BS matters, because it doesn’t. Your brain matters, so be the smart girl in the room. Because, to be funny, you have to be smart, because you have to get the joke.
—  Sophia Bush

Because all women need to hear this from time to time.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer’s wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the trash can, dousing the fire. Satisfied that the problem was solved, the engineer goes back to sleep.

Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in the physicist’s wastebasket. The physicist rushes to the bathroom, whips out his calculator, frantically does a few computations, pulls out a cup, fills it to a precisely measured level, and rushes back to the wastebasket, pouring the water onto the fire. As the last drop hits the flame, the fire goes out. Satisfied that the problem was solved, the physicist goes back to sleep.

Finally, a fire breaks out in the mathematician’s room. The mathematician rushes to the bathroom, sees the ice bucket, sees a cup, sees the water faucet. Satisfied that the problem could be solved, he goes back to sleep.

Types of Humor
  • Gryffindor: dirty jokes, do-it-for-the-vine, loud and hearty guffaws, physical pranks, at themselves and each other, knee-slapping, random tickling attacks, tears of relief and joy, raucous celebratory laughter
  • Ravenclaw: high and clear, musical laughter, intelligent jokes, punchlines, horrible wordplay and puns, obscure inside jokes, mischievous twinkles, waiting for the other shoe to drop, elaborate pranks
  • Hufflepuff: warm and chuckling laughter, snorting milk, sputtering water, laughing until you can't breathe, teasing and ribbing, team-effort pranks, false innocence, irony, the onion headlines, dad jokes
  • Slytherin: dark jokes, lets-play-serious-or-joking, best friend insults, throw your head back laughter, red face and teary eyes, knowing smirks, weird news, lewis carroll, inventive pranks, dangerous dares

anonymous asked:

What if UT/UF Sans/US Paps crush had a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor and did not pun with him, but did smile at his puns? ... What if every once in a while the crush would outright snort at his puns only to cover their face in embarrassment? ... What if they eventually admitted that they do not pun because they can't think of puns on the spot like he does and thinks that his doing so is further proof of him being intelligent?


Sans shrugs off the fact that his crush doesn’t seem to enjoy his puns.  He’s not a fan of sarcasm, so he decides the two of them just have different styles of humor.  He doesn’t really think anything of it, but ever since the time he managed to tell a particularly craptastic pun and make them snort, he’s determined to see if he can do it again.  He lays it on thick over the next several weeks.  Whenever he gets them to snort and look away so embarrassed, well.. it makes him really happy.  Plus, his crush looks adorable when they’re embarrassed.

Eventually, when they break out the compliment, he’s shocked.  If anything, his brother’s the one that he’s used to directing compliments to, and his first impulse is to try to twist the remark somehow to apply to Papyrus.  But.. instead.. he blushes a light blue, chuckles, and keeps the puns coming.  Only now he’s switched to science puns to showcase his quantum physicist background.  

He’s also going to start encouraging his crush to come up with puns of their own.  He’ll laugh even if they suck.  In fact, terrible puns are definitely his brand of humor, so they’re in luck.


Unlike Classic!Sans, Red has a bit of a sarcastic streak himself, so he finds the dry sense of humor appealing.  He still makes puns, of course, but his tend to be darker and his sense of humor leans toward the more self-depreciating kind depending on his mood.  The first time he sees his crush snort over a pun and get embarrassed, he guffaws with gusto.. so much, in fact, that he falls off the couch and ends up wiping red-tinted tears away from his eyesockets.  

“stars, sweetheart!  ahahaha!  what kind of sound was that?!”

He teases them mercilessly and every time they laugh after that, he looks at them expectantly, a shit-eating grin plastered on his face.  It comes as a surprise sometime later, when they admit that they think his puns are a sign of intelligence.  What?  His shitty jokes actually make him intelligent?  They must be making fun of him; the boss always says his puns are a product of his stupidity!

Sans scoffs and waves it off with some dry remark, but his face turns red.
He starts to make more puns and less self-depreciating jokes after that day, however.


He’s so laid-back that he doesn’t even really notice the fact that his crush isn’t a pun-master like himself.  But he does purposely irritate them just to draw more sarcastic remarks.  He’s the type that enjoys picking at his crush just so he can tease them or watch them get riled up and sarcastically reply to him.  

The first time he watches his crush get embarrassed over that cute little snort, however, he ends up covering his face with a hand.  His shoulders shake while he tries not to laugh, but he can’t help it.  Yeah, he just has to tease them.  He tries to snort himself, but he ends up laughing so hard that it just comes out as a wheeze.  The next week is spent with him on a mission to make them laugh, and his puns are on-point.  

So, when they finally admit to him that they find his puns as a sign of intelligence, he laughs.  He ends up leaning over them, resting his weight on a palm pressed to the wall just past their head, while he rolls a sucker between his teeth.  "that’s really your o-pun-ion of me?“

They groan, and he chuckles, leaning in closer.  They press closer to the wall, and he notices with a lazy grin. “heh, here i thought my puns really drove you up a wall.”

He ends up stepping away, but he spends the rest of the day teasing them.  Any sarcastic remark toward him is met with a “nah, you don’t mean that.  you think i’m highly intelligent, after all.”  By the end of the night, he’s claiming that they called him a “bone-ified genius.”

I wish people took glinda’s character seriously and valued her like they do elphaba

dan vs. is so good and everyone should watch it

i swear if it hadnt aired on the hub, it would be so popular online

listen it has everything, a relatable angry loser, a kindhearted best friend, a kickass beautiful woman, a mangy intelligent kitten, subtle adult jokes and commentary on the state of our world,

its the best show ever i swear its so good


please please please

watch it if you haven’t already

I want It.

In movies Tonks doesn’t exist and when she’s present she’s not Tonks at all…Where the fuck are her Pink short hair? And her intelligent and ironic jokes? Why is she dressed as a trash bag? And why is she married to Remus in the sixth movie?? God, give me a TV series about HP where characters are equal to the books! (I want a solemnly cool thirtyfive-years-old Sirius, a sweet, scarred, complicated and with gray hair Remus and a grunge, iconic, strong, young and pretty Tonks).

  • Also the right: Why didn't you put Effort into your response to Me, the 45 Year Old Intelligent Brony, also DON'T JOKE ABOUT PUNCHING US IN THE FACE YOU'RE ADVOCATING VIOLENCE YOU CUCK
This Feeling.



Part I: White Boy

Part II: Fucking Gallaghers

Part III: Is She Telling The Truth?

You awoke in your bedroom staring at the ceiling trying to find an answer, was she telling the truth? Did her and Carl really hook up again? You turned over to your side trying to close your eyes and get the imagine out of your head but it kept on going like if it was stuck on repeat.

Just the image of Carl and Dominique in bed together, it hurt you and you couldn’t fully understand why and before you could try and make up any reason you heard a soft knock at your door which caused you to turn and then it was wide open revealing a white- your white boy with his hair all in a mess, he combed it back and smiled at you.

Seeing him smile, it warmed your body but you didn’t want to accept the reasons why this white boy did so much to your mind and heart. “Carl, just got out of work?” You asked watching him take off his shoes and lay in your bed “Yeah, I’m exhausted. You know I miss you being in school.” He said placing an arm under your neck laying straight with his face looking at your plain ceiling “I miss doing something with myself, doc says I’ll be good for school next week.” You said looking up at him hoping for him to make eye contact with you, but nothing. “Good, I’m lonely without you (Y/N/N) I need you.” He said pulling you closer to his side.

This shocked you, it was the first time you and him had done anything physical since your kiss in the hospital but you didn’t object to the contact because you craved his warmth and comfort, for some odd reason this little white boy made you feel safe. “You need me? Or my petty attitude towards certain females?” You asked rolling your eyes and this time Carl looked straight at you cupping your face with his other hand gently “No (Y/N) I need you, you’re my only .. friend and I need someone who’s going to keep it real with me hundred percent.” He said kissing your forehead softly “Well the hair is truly your best asset, and the smile.” You said winking at him laughing causing him to laugh “You don’t know how good it is to laugh with someone.” He said as he began to play with your hair gently lacing his fingers around your hair.

You laid your head on his chest and began to listen to his heartbeat which was bringing you closer and closer to sleep, until you allowed your body to fall into a deep sleep which is exactly what the doctor ordered. Nearly ten minutes had passed until Carl finally realized that you had fallen asleep, he smiled and continued playing with your hair as he heard his phone buzz continuously and when he finally gave it and grabbed it with his other hand being careful not to move he realized it was Dominique who was calling him he declined her call and laid the phone back on the nightstand.

“You like her don’t you?” He heard a voice coming from the door causing him to jump a little, once he realized it was your brother he relaxed and began to stroke your face with his finger “My heart tells me yes but my mind tells me I’ll never be worth it. She’ll only see me as a friend but I appreciate you helping me out.” Carl said to your brother. Him and Carl had made a deal because your brother saw the way Carl looked at you when he would pick you up from school so your brother took it upon himself to approach Carl and make the plan that worked out beautifully in the end.

“Man, you can’t be that blind. She’s got a little something something for you man. She’s a girl who doesn’t take much interest in people but she’s fond of you, so that means something. I mean hey, it’s up to you both but don’t hurt my baby sister man she’s gonna need someone to protect her when I’m not here.” Your brother said leaving the room and making his way downstairs. Carl then looked down at you as you snuggled into his body causing him to wrap both of his arms around you.

“Damn (Y/N) it wasn’t suppose to be this way man. Fuck. Why’d you have to be so fucking smart, talented, kind, sweet, beautiful, caring, awesome. Fuck! I was suppose to get back him Dom for fuck sake but then you came and changed my whole life around and all you did was call me White boy. And now here I am at your side, gaining more feelings for you (Y/N). In school I think of you, at home I think about you, at work I think about you, fuck, you’re right next to me now and I’m thinking about you. What the fuck man.” Carl said softly trying to not wake you up but trying to collect his thoughts “If this is what loves is then I’m completely fucked.” Carl said kissing your forehead one last time before gently sliding his body away from your wrapping you up in blankets and leaving your house while walking to Kevin and V’s place.

He pounded on the door “Kev, I need your help man!” Carl yelled but when the door opened it was V he saw standing in front of him “Kev is busy Carl, you get me. What’s up little man?” She asked gesturing for him to come inside once Carl walked in he didn’t see the twins, he put two and two together and realized Kev was with them “I need help, but you have to promise not to tell Fiona or try and be slick and tell Kev.” Carl said sneering at her because of what she did last time.

“Are you in any trouble?” V asked full of concern “No, for once it’s not about trouble it’s about feelings that I’ve been having.” Carl said fiddling with his hands no feeling comfortable talking about his situation with anyone but he needed to know what he was feeling. “Go on.” V said leaning back into her couch watching Carl’s actions and face she knew what was happening to him before he even told her what was going on but she let him speak.

“There’s this girl (Y/N) who I was using to help me get back with Dominique because I really wanted to be with Dominique again, but I feel differently when I’m with (Y/N) than when I’m with Dominique. This shit is confusing. I love being around (Y/N), I like her smile, her laugh, her hair, her jokes, her intelligence, her caring heart, I like everything about her. When I’m with her I just want to keep her next to me forever, I feel invincible when she’s around me like I could be anything I want to be. Yet with Dominique it’s all about our history, how we started, what we did, what she did, what I did for her but she never appreciated a damn thing I did. Fuck she even cheated on me so why should I want that bitch back.” Carl said crossing his arms.

“You shouldn’t be calling no woman a bitch but I guess that little harlot is a bitch.” V said looking at Carl “Carl, you’re so young but it’s sounds like you’re in love. Everything you just said is exactly how I felt when I started dating Kev, have you told her you like her?” V asked with interest “No because she’s so stuck on the idea that I was only using her which I was but it’s so different than that now.” Carl said sighing running his hands through his hair “Fuck, why does this have to be so hard.” Carl said softly to himself before looking at V and giving her a hug “Thank you.” He said before leaving and walking to his house but when he reached the doorstep there was someone he wasn’t expecting on it.

“Carl, you left your sweater.. but I kinda got cold on the way here so I put it on” (Y/N) said smiling at him and before she could say anything else Carl dove in to kiss her softly on the lips “Looks better on you honestly. Keep it.” He said grabbing her hand helping her up from the porch “Want to stay for dinner? Foods probably going to be shitty but it’s better than nothing.” Carl said in a hopeful tone that she’d say yes. When she nodded he smiled warmly “Great, you get to meet the rest of the gang.” Carl said opening the door allowing her to step in first when he saw her walk in and watch Liam grab her hand he knew she would fit well in this functional dysfunctional family.

“I’m home guys! I brought a good friend of mine!” Carl said before closing the door behind him. If she could survive a night with the Gallaghers maybe she could survive a relationship with one, but only the night would be able to tell.